Sam Pink's Blog, page 50
January 2, 2014
FIRST CHAPTER TO 'WITCH PISS: A NOVEL' LAZY FASCIST PRESS 2014
'damn, can't believe i'm a werewolf now,' he thought, walking down the street looking at his hairy paw.
but he'd known all along he was a werewolf, in some way. much like how an omelet knows it's an omelet, in some way.
he smiled his fangy smile and slicked back his luxurious werewolf hair with his claws.
'fuck it jo,' he thought.
just then, a clown jumped out of an alley and stood before him, menacing.
the clown did that side to side neck cracking motion then cracked his knuckles and said, 'well well, werewolf man. seems like it's time to settle some old business eh?'
'who the fuck are you?' said the werewolf.
'you mean you don't remember?' said the clown, rolling up his clown sleeves. 'perhaps you remember me by my old name, dr. scribblius q. choppletoots. i pinched your butt at a 311 concert many years ago.'
the werewolf touched his butt and whispered, 'you motherfucker.'
the werewolf went to run at the clown, but the clown pulled out a small laser gun and said, 'not, so, fast. impetuous aren't we?'
'it ends here,' said the werewolf.
'my my my,' said the clown. 'look who suddenly became a werewolf and grew some balls.'
then he began pacing, keeping the laser in his hand.
'werewolf,' said the clown. 'let me be clear, there is nothing i'd love more than to laser you in the nipples and finish off what i started long ago. but to be frank, i simply must return to my laboratory to finish work on my Klaktonius Decimator. so i think,' --he laughed-- 'why, i think i'll let my friend deal with you instead.'
and with that he snapped his fingers.
out from the alley there came a giant anthropomorphic muscular lobster with a mohawk and nose ring.
'meet my friend, Nogzor,' said the clown.
Nogzor snorted like a bull and stepped forward menacingly.
the clown said, 'i'm sure you two will be good friends.'
and with that he pocketed his laser and got on his rocket-powered segway and took off, laughing like 'snee hee hee hee.'
the werewolf smiled and did that neck cracking motion and said, 'it's just too bad i ain't got no butter with me.'
then they both rushed towards each other and performed simulataneous jumpkicks.
but he'd known all along he was a werewolf, in some way. much like how an omelet knows it's an omelet, in some way.
he smiled his fangy smile and slicked back his luxurious werewolf hair with his claws.
'fuck it jo,' he thought.
just then, a clown jumped out of an alley and stood before him, menacing.
the clown did that side to side neck cracking motion then cracked his knuckles and said, 'well well, werewolf man. seems like it's time to settle some old business eh?'
'who the fuck are you?' said the werewolf.
'you mean you don't remember?' said the clown, rolling up his clown sleeves. 'perhaps you remember me by my old name, dr. scribblius q. choppletoots. i pinched your butt at a 311 concert many years ago.'
the werewolf touched his butt and whispered, 'you motherfucker.'
the werewolf went to run at the clown, but the clown pulled out a small laser gun and said, 'not, so, fast. impetuous aren't we?'
'it ends here,' said the werewolf.
'my my my,' said the clown. 'look who suddenly became a werewolf and grew some balls.'
then he began pacing, keeping the laser in his hand.
'werewolf,' said the clown. 'let me be clear, there is nothing i'd love more than to laser you in the nipples and finish off what i started long ago. but to be frank, i simply must return to my laboratory to finish work on my Klaktonius Decimator. so i think,' --he laughed-- 'why, i think i'll let my friend deal with you instead.'
and with that he snapped his fingers.
out from the alley there came a giant anthropomorphic muscular lobster with a mohawk and nose ring.
'meet my friend, Nogzor,' said the clown.
Nogzor snorted like a bull and stepped forward menacingly.
the clown said, 'i'm sure you two will be good friends.'
and with that he pocketed his laser and got on his rocket-powered segway and took off, laughing like 'snee hee hee hee.'
the werewolf smiled and did that neck cracking motion and said, 'it's just too bad i ain't got no butter with me.'
then they both rushed towards each other and performed simulataneous jumpkicks.
instant author credibility if the author does a serious p...
instant author credibility if the author does a serious photo wearing one of those 'dr. seuss/raver' hats.
giving a reading where, while you're reading, you spritz ...
giving a reading where, while you're reading, you spritz yourself in the face with a small watergun filled with urine
keep picturing myself in a small control room inside the ...
keep picturing myself in a small control room inside the sun, driving the sun around and shooting lasers out of it, killing an entire planet whose inhabitants look exactly like me.
urge to become a 'regular' at a grocery store where i go ...
urge to become a 'regular' at a grocery store where i go in and nervously ask endless questions of the employees, like walk up holding some peanut butter and say, 'um, yes, i was interested in buying this nut-based spread but i fear it will not be good on its own, do you have any pairing suggestions?'
new law in 2014 where it's ok to murder a white 30-someth...
new law in 2014 where it's ok to murder a white 30-something L.L. Bean's catalog looking motherfucker if s/her makes eye contact with you or is just generally acting uppity.
December 31, 2013
much love to the guy pushing a shopping cart full of bags...
much love to the guy pushing a shopping cart full of bags down western ave. the other night when it was 10 below zero.
Moving in directions that if seen from above spell out ‘d...
Moving in directions that if seen from above spell out ‘don’t help me’ in a secret language.
suicide note: 'wish you were here.'
suicide note: 'wish you were here.'
two types of eye-contact: none and fuck you
two types of eye-contact: none and fuck you
