Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 243

Video: Do Something EVERY Day.

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- last month's theme was Attitude, and last week's resolution was Make the positive argument.

Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This month's theme -- the final theme for 2010 -- is Boot Camp. This week's resolution is to Do something every day.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Do something EVERY day.

Do you have trouble sticking to your resolutions? Turns out that it really does matter.

Frustrated? Stuck? Put yourself in creativity boot camp.

It's time to start thinking about the 2011 challenge! Just a few weeks until the new year.

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation in your email inbox. Sign up here or email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. I just started this -- and am thrilled that thousands of people have signed up already.

Explore the "Prompts" at Reverb 10 -- and Identify a Prompt for Yourself.

Last week's suggested resolution was to Choose one word to set the tone for next year.

If you're intrigued with this approach, check out the fabulous site of Reverb 10 – the annual initiative to inspire people to reflect on the past year, and to decide how to approach the next year. You can follow along, or you can sign up to join officially. (To follow on Twitter, @reverb10).

At Reverb 10, for each day of December, a different writer suggests a "prompt" – one word or phrase to consider as the year moves from 2010 to 2011. I was thrilled to be asked to suggest today's prompt, and my prompt is "Make." "What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?" Other prompts so far have included "Let go," "Wonder," "Moment," "Writing."

My friend, the brilliant Gwen Bell, is the founder and one of the organizers of Reverb 10.

Mindfulness! Always, with happiness, mindfulness. The more mindfully I reflect on the past, and consider how I would like to shape the future, the happier I am.

Tools like Reverb 10's prompts for self-reflection, or a one-word theme for the year, are helpful as creative and provocative ways to stimulate mindfulness.

What prompt would you offer?

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation in your email inbox. Sign up here or email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. I just started this a few weeks ago -- and am thrilled that thousands of people have signed up already.

"Why Is a Picture of Something Real Eventually More Exciting than the Thing Itself?"

"Why is a picture of something real eventually more exciting than the thing itself?"

-- Jamaica Kincaid

* Want a copy of my Resolutions Chart, to see what it looks like? Email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "chart" in the subject line.

Choose One Word to Set the Tone for Next Year.

Happiness resolution: Choose a one-word theme for the new year.

I love New Year's resolutions – and I'm not the only one. Some 44% of Americans make New Year's resolutions.

There's a kind of resolution that I've never made before, but that has always fascinated me: identifying one idea, often summarized in just one word, as an overarching theme for the entire year.

My sister often does this kind of resolution. One year was the year of "Free Time." Another year was "Hot Wheels" -- that year, she got a car and started driving; she and I have both struggled with a fear of driving, which was much tougher for her, given that she lives in Los Angeles and I live in New York City. (Warning, non sequitur: follow her on Twitter, @elizabethcraft.)

Another friend of mine does the same thing. One year, I remember, was "Dark," another was "Make."

I've never tried this approach before, but this year I want to give it a try. I knew exactly what word I wanted to pick. My theme for the year is "Bigger."

I have to fight the urge to simplify, to keep things manageable; this word will remind me to think big, to tolerate complications, to expect more from myself. Many people work to simplify their lives, but I struggle against the tendency to simplify too much. As Albert Einstein observed, "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."

Have you ever tried this choose-a-theme approach? Did it help you direct your year?

I heard from someone who chose the theme "Finally Breaking Old Bad Behaviors." Great idea. Now, it's true that some ideas can't be distilled into a single word, but I do think there's a special power to the one-word theme. It's so direct, so memorable. For example, "Finally Breaking Old Bad Behaviors" might be distilled into "Free."

My challenge, starting in January, is to figure out what to do differently, according to the theme. What will allow me to think "Bigger?" I'm still trying to puzzle that out. My usual strategy is to make concrete, manageable resolutions that will help me bring about a larger change. But for "Bigger," I've decided that instead of translating it into resolutions, I will use it to frame my outlook – the way I invoke my Twelve Personal Commandments.

I'm fascinated to get more ideas for themes. What theme or word would you pick?

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* Why is this short video of a train leaving a station -- slowed down to 210 frames per second -- so mesmerizing? Not sure why, but it is.

* Join the conversation on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting discussion there.

"I Have Zero Tolerance for Self-Inflicted Drama."

Happiness interview: Tina Roth Eisenberg.

A few weeks ago, I heard a fascinating talk given by Tina Roth Eisenberg, who runs a well-known design blog/studio called SwissMiss. Her site is a mesmerizing collection of beautiful design which is highly addictive -- once I start looking, I can't stop. She spoke a lot about the power of good design, and also about the creativity and energy sparked by being around other creative people. Also, in all her spare time, she also helped create a terrific, simple, browser-based to-do app called TeuxDeux.

Of course I had to ask her some questions about happiness.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Tina: Coming to my studio, a collaborative workspace in DUMBO [a neighborhood in Brooklyn], with a beautiful view of the East River and Manhattan and filled with magnificent people. My studio is my happy place.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?

I had no idea how happy the Internet would make me. Did it exist already? And I had no idea how happy my family (husband + 2 kids) would make me.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

I keep going to bed later than I should and then I am not happy in the morning when I have to get up at the crack of dawn. (My youngest, 9-month-old Tilo Red, thinks that getting up at 5am is a great idea.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to "Spend out.") Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?

I have this Goethe quote I find myself going back to:

"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."

[I love that passage too, and in fact, quoted it in The Happiness Project.]

I try to remind myself that I am the decisive element. I try hard not to be a complainer but a problem solver. If I don't like something in my life, or think something is missing, I try to create it, actively go after it.

And then, of course, there's my all-time favorite Happy Visualization by Marc Johns.

If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children's books.)

- Hang out with my kids.

- Read through my archives of the Made me smile category of my blog.

- Eat mashed potatoes (made with lots of butter).

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?

I love surrounding myself with people that are doers. I mentioned that my studio is my happy place. It's filled with doers. Everyone here has cool ideas and goes after them. I am surrounded with people that make things happen. And we are all happier for it.

I try very hard not to have people in my life that talk bad about other people and attract drama. I have zero tolerance for self-inflicted drama.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?

I think I have always been a pretty happy person, an optimist at heart. But ever since I started my own company my happiness level has gone way up. And since I started saying no to clients (9 months ago) and am only working on my own products and services, my happiness level has even more increased. Being my own boss is definitely a happiness catalyst.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?

I think it's a daily task:

Focus on the good and the things you can change/improve in your life.

Appreciate what you have and surround yourself with good people.

Live in the moment.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn't – or vice versa?

Oh yes. And out of this I learned that the secret to a truly happy life is to not have expectations.

* Speaking of online tools to build happiness, if you haven't looked at the Happiness Project Toolbox, check it out. Eight free tools to help you start and track your own happiness project.

10 Tips to Beat Clutter…in Less Than 5 Minutes.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: 10 tips to beat clutter -- in less than 5 minutes.

It's a Secret of Adulthood: for most people, outer order contributes to inner calm. I agree, in the context of a happy life, a crowded coat closet or a messy desk shouldn't much matter. Nevertheless, I've found that getting control of clutter gives me a disproportionate boost in happiness, and other people seem to feel the same way.

Having a clutter-filled home makes me feel overwhelmed. Everywhere I look, I see little chores that should be done. No one task is particularly difficult, but together, they add up to a big headache and a big jumble. Pretty soon, it's easier just to add to the piles than to try to attack the problem. That's another Secret of Adulthood: tidy areas tend to stay tidy, and messy areas tend to get messier.

Here are ten easy, quick tips that, if followed regularly, will help keep your clutter under control. And none of them takes more than five minutes – if that. I mostly follow these, and I'm a lot happier when I do.

1. Make your bed.

2. Get rid of the newspaper each night, even if you haven't read it yet. Or am I the only one still reading a paper newspaper?

3. Follow the "one-minute rule" – push yourself to do any chore that takes less than one minute. Throw away the junk mail, put the peanut-butter jar back in the cabinet, close the cabinet door, put your dirty socks in the hamper, hang up your wet towel.

4. Identify a place or person to whom you can give things you no longer need – it's much easier to get rid of unneeded stuff if you can envision someone else getting good use from them. Also, figure out a place to store those things until you hand them over. We have a special shelf for books that we're taking to the Housing Works thrift store.

5. Be very cautious about letting yourself "store" something. Storing something means you don't intend to use it much. Other than holiday decorations and seasonal clothes, you should strive to "store" as little as possible.

6. Beware of freebies. Never accept anything free, unless you're thrilled with it. A mug, a tote bag, a hand-me-down toy, the lamp from your mother-in-law -- if you don't need it, don't take it.

7. Get rid of things if they break. When I went through our apartment, I was astonished by how many things I'd kept even though they didn't work.

8. Don't keep any piece of paper unless you know that you actually need it. I have a friend who, for years, carefully filed away the stubs when she paid her gas bill. "Why?" I asked, mystified. "I have no idea," she said. Along the same lines, don't keep anything that would quickly become dated -- like travel information. Remember the internet! If you can easily find information online, you don't need to keep a hard copy.

9. Hang up your coat. I have a lot of trouble with this one, so now I use a hook instead of a hanger.

10. Before you go to bed, take five minutes to do an "evening tidy-up." Don't tackle anything ambitious, but just stack up the magazines, put your shoes away, shove the chairs into place, etc. Just a few minutes of tidying can make your house look a lot better, and it's a calming thing to do before going to sleep. Plus it makes the morning nicer.

What are some other quick, easy tricks you've found to make your life more clutter-free? Again, I realize that this issue seems fairly trivial, but it does seem to be a source of low-grade irritation for a lot of people.

* I met so many great people at the PSFK salon yesterday, including Maria Popova of the great site Brain Pickings -- "curating eclectic interestingness from culture's collective brain." She created this terrific piece about happiness from TED soundbites and kinetic typography. Fabulous.

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation in your email inbox. Sign up here or email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. I just started this -- and am thrilled that thousands of people have signed up already.

Video: Change Your Attitude by Making the Positive Argument.

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- this month's theme is Attitude, and last week's resolution was to Re-frame. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week's resolution is Make the positive argument.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Make the positive argument.

Act the way you want to feel.

What do you think? Have you ever been able to argue yourself out of a mood of resentment, anger, irritation, or the like? I have to say, I find it a bit uncanny how effective this strategy can be.

If you're new, here's information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman's Day.

And yes! There will be a Happiness Challenge for 2011. I hope you'll join in.

* This morning, I gave a short talk about happiness at a salon organized by PSFK, the trends research and innovation company here in New York City. It was a huge amount of fun, and I've been poking around at all the interesting material on their website.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:

-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, "Email me for new uploads." Or...

-- Go to your main drop-down box, click "Subscriptions," find the GretchenRubin channel, click "Edit Subscriptions," and check "Email me for new uploads" there.

Video: Change Your Attiude by Making the Positive Argument.

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- this month's theme is Attitude, and last week's resolution was to Re-frame. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week's resolution is Make the positive argument.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Make the positive argument.

Act the way you want to feel.

What do you think? Have you ever been able to argue yourself out of a mood of resentment, anger, irritation, or the like? I have to say, I find it a bit uncanny how effective this strategy can be.

If you're new, here's information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman's Day.

And yes! There will be a Happiness Challenge for 2011. I hope you'll join in.

* This morning, I gave a short talk about happiness at a salon organized by PSFK, the trends research and innovation company here in New York City. It was a huge amount of fun, and I've been poking around at all the interesting material on their website.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:

-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, "Email me for new uploads." Or...

-- Go to your main drop-down box, click "Subscriptions," find the GretchenRubin channel, click "Edit Subscriptions," and check "Email me for new uploads" there.

In Which I Introduce a New Feature: the Assay.

During my parents' last visit to New York City, my mother pointed out a limitation of my blog. "On your blog, it's easy to find certain things, like tips and quotations," she began. "They're set off and labeled, so you know exactly where they are."

"Right," I said. "I try to make it easy."

"I like those, but the posts I like best don't have a label. My favorites are the ones where you talk about a big idea, or have a really thoughtful discussion."

"Often I put those posts on Mondays," I said. "That's when I post a 'big idea.' I don't always manage to express a big idea, but when I'm trying, I usually write it for a Monday."

"Well, I didn't know that. I wish it were possible to go back to find just those most thoughtful pieces. They aren't identified for the reader."

I realized that she'd put her finger on something that had bothered me for a long time. "You are so right," I told her. "The posts that I consider my best aren't tagged or grouped together in any way. But what should I call them? What's the term for what they are?"

We brainstormed for a while with different ways to identify these pieces. Nothing seemed right. Then, as we were standing by the elevator, ready to put the discussion aside until later, my mother said, "What about an 'assay'?"

"That sounds good. Though I'd better make sure I'm right about the definition of 'assay.'"

We looked up the word. "Assay" turned out to be a brilliant suggestion. An "assay" is "an examination and determination as to characteristics" or "an analysis or examination," in particular "an analysis (as of an ore or drug) to determine the presence, absence, or quantity of one or more components." Yes!

I particularly like this term for two reasons.

First, an assay is often done in a scientific context: an assay of a metal. My study of human nature often feels that way. Particularly when I wrote my first book, Power Money Fame Sex, I seemed to be writing the Periodic Table of the Elements of Human Nature. (And of course, I often do study the scientific underpinnings of human behavior.)

Second, and more important to me, the word "assay" is a tie to the great writers about character and the conduct of life. While my work is sometimes described as self-help (and I certainly do try to be self-helpful), I aim to write in the tradition of figures like Thoreau, Tolstoy, la Rochefoulcauld, Francis Bacon, Aristotle, St. Therese of Lisieux, and of course, my favorite, Samuel Johnson.

One of the towering masters in this line is Montaigne, who wrote short meditations about human nature, using himself as the chief point of study.

Around 1578, in the first use of the term, Montaigne called his attempts his "essais," to indicate that his writings were a series of trials, attempts, or tests of his judgment. Now, of course, these are called his Essays.

So I love using a similar word, "assay," to identify my own best attempts to understand human nature by understanding myself. (As Thoreau remarked, "I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.") By identifying and labeling these posts, I'll make it possible for them to be found more easily.

So from now on, I'll identify such pieces as "assays." What might be an assay?

A problem in happiness: drift.

Are you annoyed by excessively cheery people? Or extremely gloomy people?

The sadness of a happiness project.

The movie "Twilight" inspires me to do a better job with some of my resolutions.

Ten myths about happiness -- which do you believe?.

Be happier: embrace the paradoxes of a happiness project.

Now I feel a lot of pressure to come up with a very big idea, so I can call it an assay. Of course my mind is going blank.

* If you love to read, be sure to check out DailyLit. Quick literary fixes in your email inbox!

* If you're giving The Happiness Project as a holiday gift, I'm happy to send you a a personalized, signed bookplate to put in it -- and just as happy to send one for you, of course. If you'd like a bookplate, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Remember, this is an actual bookplate, so be sure to include your mailing address. Feel free to ask for as many as you like -- and they're free.

Eight Tips for Dealing with Difficult Relatives over the Holidays.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: Eight tips for dealing with difficult relatives over the holidays.

For many people, the holidays are a joyous time; for many people, the holidays are a dreaded holiday. One factor that can make it tough is spending time with difficult relatives. Here are some strategies for keeping family dinners pleasant:

1. Before you walk into the situation, spend a few minutes thinking about how you want to behave. Don't just react in the moment; consider how you want to act. If you've had unpleasant experiences in the past, think about why they were unpleasant and what you could do to change the dynamics of the situation. You may just need to be more careful about getting enough sleep! If you want a peaceful dinner, think about how to contribute to a harmonious atmosphere. In particular…

2. Think about how topics that seem innocuous to you might upset someone else. You may think you're showing a polite interest, but some questions will rub a person the wrong way: "So do you have a boyfriend yet?" "When are you two going to get married/start a family?" "Didn't you give up smoking?" "Can you afford that?" "When are you going to get a real job?" Show an interest with more open-ended questions, like "What are you up to these days?" or "What's keeping you busy?" Also…

3. Avoid strife. Some families enjoy arguing passionately amongst themselves; however, most don't handle arguments very well. If you know Uncle Bob's views on politics are going to drive you crazy, don't bring it up! And if he brings it up, you don't have to engage. Try to make a joke of it, and say something like, "Let's agree to disagree," "Let's not talk about that, and give the rest of the family something to be thankful for," etc. There is a time and a place for everything.

4. Don't drink much alcohol. It can seem festive and fun to fill up your glass, but it's easy to lose track of how much you're drinking. Alcohol makes some people feel merry, but it also makes some people feel combative, or self-pitying, or lowers their inhibitions in a destructive way. I basically had to give up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent.

5. As best you can, play your part in the tradition. For some people, traditions are very, very important; for others, no. You may feel irritated by your brother's insistence on having exactly the same food every Thanksgiving, or by your mother's extreme reaction to the possibility that you might not come home for the day. Try to be patient and play your part. In the long run, traditions and rituals tend to help sustain happiness and family bonds. On the other hand...

6. If you're the one who wants everything to be perfect, try to ease up on yourself and everyone else, so you can enjoy the day, whatever happens. Make the best of the situation. Even f the day isn't exactly the way you hoped it would be, try to enjoy what it is.

7. Don't stuff yourself. Research shows that in fact, most people add just one pound during the holidays – but then they never lose it. You'll have more fun if you're not feeling uncomfortably full and then guilty about having eaten too much. Think about strategies for staying in control of holiday eating; feeling bad about having eaten too much can make you feel irritable and angry, which spills over into your interactions with other people.

8. Find reasons to be grateful. Be thankful that you get to cook, or that you don't have to cook. Be thankful that you get to travel, or that you don't have to travel. Be thankful for your family or your friends. Find something. Studies show that gratitude is a major happiness booster. Also, feeling grateful toward crowds out emotions like resentment and annoyance.

Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don't tell you how to deal with your difficult relatives -- they tell you how to behave yourself. Well, guess what! You can't do anything to change what your difficult relatives are going to do; you can only change yourself. Also, in many situations, people behave a difficult way in reaction to something else. So you may think your niece flies off the handle without any reason, but she's furious because she thinks you're needling her about her appearance. If you behave differently, she will too.

Have you found any helpful strategies for dealing with a difficult Thanksgiving situation? What more would you add?

* Yes, it's holiday time! If you're giving The Happiness Project, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com, and I'll send you a personalized, signed bookplate for the recipient. Or ask for one for yourself! Just be sure to include your mailing address. Feel free to ask for as many as you want, and yes, they're free.