Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 240

14 Tips for Holding a Productive Meeting.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: 14 tips for holding a productive meeting.

Nothing drains happiness faster than a long, unproductive meeting. You're bored; you're not getting anything done; emails are piling up while you sit, trapped. Just think: if you cut out just one hour of meeting time each week, you'd have an extra week for work – or fun – by the end of the year.

On the other hand, I disagree with people who argue that we should have no meetings. A productive meeting can be tremendously valuable, a big time-saver, and even exhilarating.

Here are some strategies I try to deploy:

1. Very obvious: Start on time, and end on time. Once people see that meetings are starting late, the bad habit builds, because people see there's no point in showing up promptly. Here's one solution: a friend worked at a law firm that fined partners $100 if they were late to a meeting, which turned out to be very effective. If the meeting has to run long, say, "We're not through with the seven points, so can everyone stay fifteen extra minutes to wrap up?" That way, people know that the end is in sight.

2. At the same time, remember that it's helpful to spend a little time in chit-chat. For a long time, I didn't believe this to be true, and I tried to be hyper-efficient, but now I realize that it's important – and productive – for people to have a chance to relate on a personal level. People need to build friendships, they need a chance to show their personalities, they need to establish rapport. Meetings are very important for this process.

3. If some people hesitate to jump in, or stop talking if interrupted, find a way to draw them out. Ability to grab the floor doesn't necessarily correlate with capacity to contribute.

4. My father once gave me a brilliant piece of advice: "If you're willing to take the blame, people will give you the responsibility." Meetings often involve blame-giving and blame-taking, and although it's not pleasant to accept blame, it's a necessary aspect of getting responsibility (if deserved, of course). Proving my father's point, one of my best meeting experiences ever was a time when I took the blame – rightly – for something done by a team of people working with me. Doing this ended up dramatically increasing my organizational credibility on all sides.

5. Share the credit. Along with blame, a meeting is also a great place to give people credit. Be quick to point out great work or to call for a round of applause for a colleague. People often act as though credit is a zero-sum goody, and if they share credit, they'll get less themselves. From what I've seen, sharing credit not only doesn't diminish the number of gold stars you get, but adds to them – because people so admire the ability to give credit. (Gold star junkie that I am, I pay close attention in this area.)

6. Making people feel stupid isn't productive, and it isn't kind. A friend has a good suggestion: "Be cheerfully, impersonally decisive."

7. Have an agenda and stick to it. If possible, circulate the agenda in advance, along with anything else that needs to be read to prepare for the meeting. Make sure people know if they should bring anything. Along the same lines…

8. Never go to a meeting if you don't know why you're supposed to be there! This seems obvious, but it's a situation that arises surprisingly frequently. I just made this mistake recently.

9. Regular meetings should be kept as short as possible and very structured. Have rules for canceling the meeting when appropriate – if such-and-such doesn't happen, if only a certain number of people can attend, etc.

10. Don't say things that will undermine or antagonize other people. Guess what? Turns out they do in fact notice this, and they don't appreciate it. If you wonder if you're an offender, check yourself against this list.

11. If a meeting is long, schedule breaks when people can check their email and phones. Otherwise, they get very distracted by feeling they've been out of touch for too long (for some people, this takes about ten minutes), and they start sneakily emailing under the table. As if no one will notice. Which they do.

12. Meetings should stay tightly focused. If people want a chance to discuss side issues, theoretical problems, or philosophical questions that aren't relevant to the purpose of the meeting, they should meet separately.

13. Here's a radical solution: no chairs. In Bob Sutton's terrific book, The No A****** Rule, (written that way not out of prudery but to avoid spamblockers), he points to a study that showed that people in meetings where everyone stood took 34% less time to make an assigned decision, with decisions that were just as good as those made by groups who were sitting down.

14. Perhaps most important: Be very specific about the "action items" (to use the business-school term). Who is agreeing to do what, by when? Make sure someone keeps track of what is supposed to happen as a consequence of the meeting, and at the meeting's end, review these items so it's crystal clear to everyone. I now never leave a meeting without my own list of what I need to get done, for whom, and by when.

What am I missing? What are some other strategies for improving meetings?

* For an amazing visual display of information, check out this fascinating, encouraging video about the health and income trends of the last 200 years -- animated graph and animated discussion.

* Need a good book? Need a gift idea? Please consider The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).

Order your copy.

Read sample chapters.

Watch the one-minute book video.

Listen to a sample of the audiobook (read by me).

Video: Hold Yourself Accountable.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month's theme is Resolutions, and last week's resolution was to Set concrete goals. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

The resolution for this week is to Hold yourself accountable.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

One key tip to help you be happier, lose weight, have more fun, be a better parent and spouse, and be more productive.

Six tips to hold yourself accountable for keeping your resolutions.

How to stick to your New Year's resolutions -- 12 tips.

If you watch the video, you'll hear me talk about my Resolution Chart and about the usefulness of accountability groups. If you're curious, and you'd like to see my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. Or, if you'd like to request a starter kit for launching a group for people doing happiness projects together, you can also email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com, and request it. (Don't forget the "1"!)

If you're new, here's information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* On the fabulous site Swiss Miss, I was intrigued by a post about the "mappiness" project, which maps happiness across space in the U.K.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:

-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, "Email me for new uploads." Or...

-- Go to your main drop-down box, click "Subscriptions," find the GretchenRubin channel, click "Edit Subscriptions," and check "Email me for new uploads" there.

Assay: Why Does Happiness Have Such a Bad Reputation?

Assay: One surprising thing about happiness is that it has such a bad reputation.

Yesterday, I was reading to my younger daughter from Shel Silverstein's classic book of children's poetry, Where the Sidewalk Ends. We came to this poem – which caught my eye, for obvious reasons.

The Land of Happy

Have you been to The Land of Happy,

Where everyone's happy all day,

Where they joke and they sing

Of the happiest things,

And everything's jolly and gay?

There's no one unhappy in Happy,

There's laughter and smiles galore.

I have been to The Land of Happy —

What a bore!

Happiness, many people assume, is boring – a complacent state of mind for self-absorbed, uninteresting people. Consider the scene in Woody Allen's movie Annie Hall, when Alvy asks a happy couple how they account for their happiness, and the woman answers, "I am very shallow and empty, and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say," and the man agrees, "I'm exactly the same way."

In fact, however, studies show — and experience bears out — that happiness doesn't make people complacent or self-centered. Rather, happier people are more interested in the problems of other people, and in the problems of the world. They're more likely to volunteer, to give away money, to be more curious, to want to learn a new skill, to persist in problem-solving, to help others, and to be friendly. They're more resilient, productive, and healthier. Unhappy people are more likely to be defensive, isolated, and preoccupied with their own problems.

Some people are argue that it's better to be interesting than happy. But that's a false choice.

It's true that if you're trying to tell an interesting story, unhappiness makes a much easier subject. There's more conflict, more drama. Unhappy circumstances hold our attention. But real life is different.

I often think of Simone Weil's observation, adapted for unhappiness and happiness: "Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating."

I'm not arguing that a happy life should be free from all negative emotions -- not at all. I think there's much value in bad emotions. Nevertheless, while the Land of Happy might be a boring place to read about, I imagine it would be a nice place to live.

* I love the delightful blog 1000 Awesome Things, and I'm looking forward to meeting Neil Pasricha for the first time when I go to Toronto on January 17-18. So I was eager to check out his TEDxToronto talk on The 3A's of Awesome. Funny, thought-provoking...dare I say it? awesome!

* * If your book group is reading The Happiness Project -- or considering it -- I've prepared a one-page discussion guide for book groups, as well as a guide tailored for church groups, spirituality book groups, and the like. If you'd like either discussion guide (or both), email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. (Don't forget the "1.")

"If You Think About Yourself, That Very Fact Changes You."

"If you look at a thing, the very fact of your looking changes it…if you think about yourself, that very fact changes you."

-- Robert Penn Warren

* A challenge for people who, like me, love to read is figuring out what books to read next. So many books, so little time! I was very happy to discover the New York Journal of Books -- an online resource of book reviews. A terrific place to go to find out about new books.

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation -- like this quotation by Robert Penn Warren -- in your email in-box. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com (don't forget the "1"). I'm thrilled by the response to this -- I started it just a few weeks ago, and more than twelve thousand people have signed up already.

Video: To Stick to Your Resolutions, Set Concrete Goals.

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This is the first week of the Challenge. (Usually these videos will appear on Tuesdays, but the holiday threw me off.)

The theme for this month is, appropriately, Resolutions: how to make effective resolutions and then, once you've made them, how to keep them.

This week's resolution is to Set concrete goals.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

13 tips for sticking to your New Year's resolutions.

5 questions to help you make effective New Year's resolutions.

The secret to keeping your resoutions: is there a magic formula?

What resolutions have you made? Have you found that making resolutions as concrete as possible made it easier to keep them -- or not?

If you're new, here's information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas for resolutions to try, check out the archives of videos here.

* Heard of the fabulous Six Word Memoir? I'm collaborating with Smith Magazine to do "Six words on the secrets to happiness." You can add your six-word secret to happiness here -- what's your secret? (Tip: you're more likely to be featured if you include a profile picture.) It's creative, it's thought-provoking, and it's fun. I keep writing new ones.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:

-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, "Email me for new uploads." Or...

-- Go to your main drop-down box, click "Subscriptions," find the GretchenRubin channel, click "Edit Subscriptions," and check "Email me for new uploads" there.

Join the 2011 Happiness Challenge! With Videos.

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

When I started my happiness project, I asked myself, "What do I want less of in my life?" Among many other things, I decided I wanted less yelling at my children in the morning, less nagging of my husband, less feeling guilty about eating fake food. I also asked myself, "What do I want more of in my life?" I decided I wanted more time reading, more time imitating a spiritual master, more hugging and kissing my family. Then I made specific, manageable resolutions aimed at helping me make these changes.

I like trying lots of resolutions at once, but for many people, it's more effective to pick just one thing. And it can be a very small change! One small change can be enough to launch your happiness project. You can change your life without changing your life.

If the idea of making resolutions appeals to you, consider signing up for the 2011 Happiness Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year. Studies show that taking an action, like signing up, will help you hold yourself accountable for your resolutions. Thousands of people have signed up for the Challenge already.

Each month, I'll identify a theme, and each week, I'll post a two-minute video about a specific, manageable resolution aimed at that month's theme. Even if that particular resolution doesn't resonate with you, it may help you think of a resolution that would suit you better.

Although it's fun to make resolutions, it's very challenging to keep resolutions. There's something about the accountability of being part of a group (even an invisible group, like this one), and the enthusiasm that's generated, that makes it easier to keep up the resolution-keeping momentum.

Here's the introductory video to the 2011 Happiness Challenge:

But whether you follow my suggestions or not, remember, pick something small and manageable! Something you can really do. And then do it. My own experience with a happiness project, and with resolutions-keeping, has convinced me that it is possible to become happier, by making small changes to everyday life.

I'm curious -- what are some resolutions (small or big) that people are undertaking for 2011?

* I was thrilled to see my friend Kamy Wicoff profiled in the Wall Street Journal. Kamy is founder of the great site and resource She Writes, as well as the fabulous New York Salon of Women Writers (a group from which I've made many writerly friends). The article focuses on Kamy's support for Girls Write Now, another terrific organization which pairs high-school girls from underprivileged New York City schools with writer-mentors.

* Sign up here for the 2011 Happiness Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year.

"I'm Not Saying This To Appear Virtuous. I Have Plenty of Unhealthy Habits Most Other People Have Outgrown. But My Day Is Better If I Exercise."

Happiness interview: Ruth Davis Konigsberg.

I've known writer Ruth Davis Konigsberg for several years, and I couldn't wait to read her new book, The Truth About Grief: The Myth of Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss.

One of my happiness-project resolutions is to Read memoirs of catastrophe, so I've thought a lot about how different people experience grief.

The book includes many interesting arguments. For instance, the notion that people generally go through the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) isn't supported by research. This is one of the chief points of the book, so Ruth discusses at great length. but I was particularly struck by the observation that this model doesn't include "pining" (yearning for loved ones), which is such a strong element of grief.

The Truth About Grief also makes the comforting observation that most people cope with grief more readily than is often portrayed in literature and movies. For instance, The Year of Magical Thinking is Joan Didion's account of her extended, desperate grief at the death of her husband John. Although the book is beautiful and masterful, Didion's experience isn't typical of most people. (Slight non sequitur: look closely at the cover of Didion's book. It took me a long time to notice the ghostly J O H N spelled out in the letters of the title.)

I asked Ruth to talk about her thoughts on happiness.

What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Exercise, hands down. If I can manage to exercise, I always feel better. I'm not saying this to seem virtuous. I have plenty of unhealthy habits most other people have outgrown. But my day is always better if I exercise. It's the best anti-depressant there is.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?

I wish I had exercised! I barely broke a sweat until I got to college and discovered aerobics. I also wish I had known that dwelling on things usually just makes them worse. I used to indulge my dark side, especially as a teenager, reading lots of Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton, that kind of thing. There is now good evidence that rumination, or "the chronic, passive focus on one's negative emotions" as defined by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema at Yale, contributes to depression by interfering with problem-solving. Most people think that negative emotions have to be expressed in order to heal, especially emotions surrounding loss. The opposite is actually true. While working on my book, I discovered that bereaved people who are able to damp down their negative emotions, known as "repressive coping," actually have much better outcomes physically and mentally than people who express their anger and sadness. (So much for catharsis!) Those who are able to conjure happy memories or smile and laugh when talking about the deceased fare even better.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

I tend to remember my failures and forget about my successes (see "rumination," above.) Thankfully, my husband reminds me of them.

If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children's books).

I read enough books to my children as it is! [Ah, but that's not the same as reading them for yourself!] When I'm feeling blue, I try to do something just for myself. It could be something really trivial (go to Target and buy some moisturizer, make some homemade soup for the week) but it can't be too frivolous or else I'll feel guilty. Something that's somewhat indulgent but not just lying on the couch. At night, when I really need to recharge my batteries, I retreat to my bedroom with a book and some dark chocolate.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn't - or vice versa?

It seems inevitable to be disappointed by things we expect will bring us great happiness. But the flip side is also true. Even the worst thing we can imagine eventually passes. I don't buy the "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger" argument, but the good news is that we have an innate resilience to help us handle whatever comes our way.

* If you received The Happiness Project as a gift -- or if you bought if for yourself! -- and you'd like a free, personalized bookplate, for yourself or for someone else, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. (Don't forget the "1".) Be sure to include your mailing address, feel free to ask for as many as you like, and yes, I'll mail them anywhere in the world.

Six Questions To Help You Keep Your Cool -- Instead of Losing Your Temper.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: Six questions to help you keep your cool.

One of my worst faults is my tendency to "snap" – to react sharply, in a minor but harsh way. This trait clouds my happiness and the happiness of everyone who feels the lash.

The conventional advice for mastering your temper is to "Count to 10" before reacting. My problem is that, in the difficult moment, it never occurs to me to count to ten.

Figuring out ways to control my snappishness has been one of my chief goals for my happiness project. To try to rein it in, I've tried everything from getting more sleep to the Week of Extreme Nice to hypnosis.

I also came up with a set of questions that kick into my brain (sometimes) in time to affect my behavior.

When I feel myself losing my temper, if I can muster the mindfulness to be self-reflective, I ask myself these questions:

1. Am I at fault? I hate to be criticized or to be in the wrong. Often, I'm angriest when someone is chiding me about something that I am, indeed, guilty of. When I'm about to hit back, I remind myself to accept criticism politely, if grudgingly.

2. Will this solve anything? I often snap when I feel like I'm confronting the same annoyance over and over. Fact is, people often have irritating habits that aren't going to change. Failure to meet deadlines, failure to return phone calls, untidiness, etc., etc. I try to remember that snapping isn't going to make any difference, but will only make me feel bad.

3. Am I improving the situation? This is particularly important with my younger daughter. If I lose my temper with her, the problem just escalates to a whole new horrible level. She dissolves into tears and wails, "You talked to me in a mean voice!" It's far more effective to stay calm. Also, nicer.

4. Should I be helping you? Often, I lose my temper because I'm actually feeling guilty about my own unhelpfulness. My guilt makes me crabby, but it's really a sign that I should be taking action.

5. Am I uncomfortable? Discomfort shortens my fuse. I've become much more careful to dress warmly (even when people make fun of my long underwear and double sweaters), to snack more often, to turn off the light when I'm sleepy, and to take pain medication as soon as I get a headache. The Duke of Wellington advised, "Always make water when you can," and I follow that precept, too.

6. Can I make a joke of this? Using humor is extraordinarily effective, but I usually can't find the inner depths to laugh at an annoying situation. A distant goal for which I'm striving.

It's tempting to dwell on questions like, "Whose fault is it?" or "Why am I upset?" but in the end, these tend to stoke my temper instead of soothe it. I try to remind myself that no behavior is annoying if I don't find it annoying. A hackneyed observation, but true.

Have you found any good strategies for keeping your cool?

* My friend Erin Doland is the editor-in-chief of the fabulous site, Unclutterer, and now the excellent Simplifried --"a blog about ending mealtime stress. If your nerves are fried, we'll be your simple, delicious, and nutritious cooking guide." The Simplifried Manifesto says it all!

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation in your email in-box. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com (don't forget the "1"). I'm thrilled by the response to this -- I started it just a few weeks ago, and almost twelve thousand people have signed up already.

Kristin Davis Talks About the TV Comedy, "The Happiness Project," on the Craig Ferguson Show!

Very exciting -- plans are underway to make a single-camera, half-hour comedy TV show based on The Happiness Project. With Kristin Davis to star!

Kristin Davis appeared on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and she talked about the possible show.

I still can't quite believe this project is underway. It still has a long way to go, so keep your fingers crossed.

* Join the Facebook Page! Lots of interesting discussion there.

Assay: The Good in Bad Emotions.

Assay: I'm surprised by how often people say to me something like, "Well, of course, you think people should be blissfully happy every minute of every day" or "You argue that people should aim never to experience negative emotions."

But I never argue that. I don't believe that.

For me, at least, the aim of a happiness project is not to eliminate all forms of unhappiness from life. Given the reality of existence, as well as human nature, that's not possible, and even if it were possible, it's not desirable.

Negative emotions -- up to a point -- can play a very helpful role in a happy life. They're powerful, flashy signs that something isn't right. They often prod me into action.

The First Splendid Truth holds that to be happier, I have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

"Feeling bad" is a very important element. In fact, one reason I started my happiness project was to stop bad feeling such as guilt, resentment, and boredom. Guilt for losing my patience with my children. Resentment toward my husband for his failure to feed me gold stars. Boredom with activities that I thought I "ought" to find fun. Importantly, the pain of seeing others' pain acts as a prod to action -- whether the pain of people in my life, or out in the world.

Figuring out ways to eliminate these bad feelings led me to a happier life -- and a more virtuous life, as well.

Also, one key to happiness is self-knowledge, and yet it's very, very hard to know myself -- especially painful aspects that I'm trying to deny or cover up. Negative emotions shine a spotlight on things I'm trying to hide. For example, when I was thinking of switching careers from law to writing, the extremely uncomfortable emotion of envy helped show me what I really wanted; when I read class notes in my alumni magazine, I felt only mild interest in most careers, including the people with interesting legal jobs, but I envied the writers. My guilt about the way I snapped at my family makes me stick to my many resolutions aimed at helping me feel calm and light-hearted.

Along the same lines, the anxiety to deny your true actions can be an important signal. A friend of mine said, "I knew I had to get control of my children's TV time when I heard myself lying to the pediatrician about how TV they watched each week." Another friend admitted, "In my new job, I can walk to work. I kept telling people I did walk to work, but really, I'd only walked a few times. I realized that the idea of walking must be important to me -- or else I wouldn't bother to lie about it -- and also I needed to be truthful with myself about what I was really doing. So finally I really did start walking."

Of course, as Samuel Johnson pointed out, "The medicine, which, rightly applied, has power to cure, has, when rashness or ignorance prescribes it, the same power to destroy." The bitter medicine of negative emotions can be helpful within a certain range, but if it creates severe unhappiness -- or certainly depression -- it can become so painful that it interferes with normal life. And that's when you need serious help.

A big part of being happier, I've found, is finding ways either to eliminate the causes, or if that isn't possible, to deal constructively with negative emotions and difficult situations.

Have you faced a situation where a negative emotion helped push you to a beneficial change?

* If you haven't checked it out yet, "Share your six words on the secrets to happiness" is here. So engaging! It's fascinating to see other people's six-word secrets, and very fun to try to devise your own.

* It's the first Monday of 2011, when the year really gets started. If you want to join the 2011 Happiness Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year, sign up here. Each month, I'll suggest a theme, and each week, I'll post a video with an idea for something to try.