Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 242

"I have sought rest everywhere, and have found it nowher...

"I have sought rest everywhere, and have found it nowhere, save in a little corner, with a little book."

-- Thomas à Kempis

That's one thing I plan to spend a lot of time doing this vacation -- reading. Never enough time to read! Back in a week.

* If you've never seen my one-minute video, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy it. Of all the things I've written and created, this is certainly one of those that most resonates with people.

Treat Yourself Like a Toddler.

We're about to head off to Kansas City, and I can't wait. As I think about vacation, I've realized something about my approach to traveling -- or any situation, really. I'm going to try to treat myself like a toddler.

I remember reading somewhere that writer Anne Lamott thinks about herself in the third person, to take better care of herself: "I'm sorry, Anne Lamott can't accept that invitation to speak; she's finishing a book so needs to keep her schedule clear."

Similarly, I'm going to imagine how I'd view myself as a toddler. "Gretchen gets cranky when she's over-tired. We really need to stick to the usual bedtimes." "Gretchen gets frantic when she's really hungry, so she can't wait too long for dinner." "Gretchen needs some quiet time each day." "Gretchen really feels the cold, so we can't be outside for too long."

The fact is, if you're dealing with a toddler, you have to plan. You have to think ahead about eating, sleeping, proper winter clothes, necessary equipment, a limit on sweets, etc. Because with a toddler, the consequences can be very unpleasant. In the same way, to be good-humored and well-behaved, I need to make sure I have my coffee, my cell-phone charger, my constant snacks, and my eight hours of sleep.

I mentioned this new approach to a friend, who laughed and said, "As a toddler, I don't handle noise or crowds well. I can't be in that kind of situation for long."

It's easy to expect that you "should" be able to deal with a particular situation, and of course, to a point, it's admirable to be flexible, to be low-maintenance. But I realize that I'm much happier -- and more fun to be around -- if I recognize my limits.

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* If you're looking for a way to make a quick, handmade present for someone, or just a way to have fun yourself, check out Wordle -- a playful way to generate word clouds from text. So fun!

* Follow me on Twitter, @gretchenrubin.

"I Guess I Shouldn't Be Perfectionistic About Getting Rid of Perfectionism."

Happiness interview: Oliver Burkeman.

Oliver Burkeman's work caught my eye because I loved the title of his column, "This Column Will Change Your Life." He's English, and writes for the English newspaper, The Guardian, but he lives here in New York City. We've met for coffee a few times; because he writes about "social psychology, self-help culture, productivity and the science of happiness," we have a lot of interests in common.

I'm a big fan, so I was pleased to hear that a compilation of his columns was published as a book: HELP! How to Become Slightly Happier and Get a Bit More Done. I just started reading it, and I love it.

Oliver writes about happiness all the time, but I was curious to hear how he'd answer these questions.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Oliver: Spending time in wild nature, and spending time with close (and old) friends. I realize that's not staggeringly original, but I sometimes think we invest far too much time and energy looking for staggeringly original happiness strategies. I'm a huge sucker for "lifehacks", clever new time management tricks, and all that stuff — but it's crucial to remember that the only sensible measure of their value is this: do they cause you to actually spend more time engaged in the small number of fundamental activities that you already know make you happy?

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?

Among many, many other things: I no longer think of perfectionism as one of those traits you should be secretly quite proud to possess ("Oh, I'm a perfectionist, yes, I'm just not happy unless I'm producing brilliant work!"). Perfectionism is 100% bad and evil. As Anne Lamott says, it's "the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people; it will keep you cramped and insane your whole life". Working as a newspaper journalist on deadline has drummed much of it out of me — there's nothing like a screaming editor to make you abandon all hope of a perfect opening sentence — but it's an ongoing challenge. I guess I shouldn't be perfectionistic about getting rid of perfectionism, though.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

Stressing out about potential problems that haven't actually happened yet. Eckhart Tolle recommends asking yourself "Do you have a problem now?" — as in, right this very moment? The answer is almost always no. I need to get this tattooed somewhere prominent on my body.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to "Identify the problem.")

I love the late Japanese psychotherapist Shoma Morita's advice to stop trying to fix yourself and start living instead: "Give up on yourself. Begin taking action now, while being neurotic or imperfect, or a procrastinator, or unhealthy, or lazy, or any other label by which you inaccurately describe yourself. Go ahead and be the best imperfect person you can be and get started on those things you want to accomplish before you die." To some people this sounds depressing, but to me it's the exact opposite: utterly freeing.

If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children's books).

Honestly? Really good beer, in modest quantities. Perhaps with some good cheese. I know I should say meditation or volunteer work, but as often as not, it's the beer and cheese.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that detracts a lot from their happiness?

Positive thinking. I'm certainly not an advocate of pessimism and negativity, but the fixation on achieving exactly the right frame of mind is usually a big distraction from doing what matters, and frequently hugely counterproductive. And don't get me started on the notion that you can "attract" things just by thinking the right thoughts. All these efforts at thought control are the exact opposite of the wonderful Buddhist notion of becoming less attached to thoughts, of "grasping" them less and thus being grasped by them less.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn't – or vice versa?

Keeping a gratitude diary. I'm *so* not the kind of person who does corny stuff like that, and I only grudgingly tried it out so that I could write about it and honestly say that I'd given it a shot. Turns out, though, that it's an incredibly effective way to step off the "hedonic treadmill" and re-appreciate things that have become so familiar they've stopped giving pleasure. I never thought I'd feel so happy again about a morning cup of coffee or a meal with a friend. It's annoying, but sometimes the cheesiest advice is actually the best.

* If your book group is reading The Happiness Project -- or considering it -- I've prepared a one-page discussion guide for book groups, as well as a guide tailored for church groups, spirituality book groups, and the like. If you'd like either discussion guide (or both), email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com.

13 Tips for Sticking to Your New Year's Resolutions.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: 13 tips for sticking to your New Year's resolutions.

New Year's Eve is just a few weeks away, and that means it's the season for resolutions. I've always been part of the some 44% of Americans who make (and also break) New Year's resolutions; I'm a big believer in the power of small changes to make us happier.

Along the way, and especially since I started my resolutions-based happiness project, I've hit on some strategies for helping myself stick to resolutions.

1. Be specific. Don't resolve to "Make more friends" or "Strengthen friendships"; that's too vague. To make more friends as part of my happiness project, I have several very concrete resolutions like: "Start a group," "Say hello," "Make plans," "Show up," and "No gossip."

2. Write it down.

3. Review your resolution constantly. If your resolution is buzzing through your head, it's easier to stick to it. I review my Resolutions Chart every night.

4. Hold yourself accountable. Tell other people about your resolution, join or form a like-minded group, score yourself on a chart (my method) -- whatever works for you to make yourself feel accountable for success and failure. (If you want to see my Resolutions Chart, as inspired by Benjamin Franklin, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com.)

5. Think big. Maybe you need a big change, a big adventure – a trip to a foreign place, a break-up, a move, a new job. Let yourself imagine anything, and plan from there.

6. Think small. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that only radical change can make a difference. Just keeping your fridge cleared out could give you a real boost. Look close to home for ways to improve and grow.

7. Ask for help. Why is this so hard? But every time I ask for help, I'm amazed at how much easier my task becomes.

If you have an especially tough time keeping resolutions, if you have a pattern of making and breaking them, try these strategies:

8. Consider making only pleasant resolutions. We can make our lives happier in many ways. If you're struggling to keep your resolutions, try resolving to "Go to more movies," "Find more time to read," or whatever resolutions you'd find fun to keep. Often, having more fun in our lives makes it easier to do tough things. Seeing more movies might make it easier to keep going to the gym.

9. Consider giving up a resolution. If you keep making and breaking a resolution, consider whether you should relinquish it entirely. Put your energy toward changes that are both realistic and helpful. Don't let an unfulfilled resolution to lose twenty pounds or to overhaul your overgrown yard block you from making other, smaller resolutions that might give you a big happiness boost.

10. Keep your resolution every day. Weirdly, it's often easier to do something every day (exercise, post to a blog, deal with the mail, do laundry) than every few days.

11. Set a deadline.

12. Don't give up if something interferes with your deadline.

13. "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Thank you, Voltaire. Instead of starting your new exercise routine by training for the marathon, aim for a 20-minute walk each day. Instead of cleaning out the attic, tackle one bureau drawer. If you break your resolution today, try again tomorrow.

What else? What are some strategies you've discovered, to help you stick to your New Year's resolutions?

If you're getting geared up to do some happiness resolutions next month, to make 2011 a happier year, join the 2011 Happiness Challenge! I'm still working on the sign-up page; stay tuned.

* The bluebird is a symbol of happiness, so it's one of my auspicious symbols. A thoughtful reader sent me a link to this fabulous display of Tiffany & Co.'s holiday windows, with bluebird.

* Sign up for the Moment of Happiness, and each weekday morning, you'll get a happiness quotation in your email inbox. Sign up here or email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. I've thrilled by the response to this -- I started it just a few weeks ago, and almost nine thousand people have signed up already.

I Was on the Today Show!

I was thrilled to be on the Today Show to talk about holiday stress.

Ann Curry interviewed me back in January, when The Happiness Project first came out (here's that video). I really enjoyed doing that segment, so I was very happy to be speaking to her again.

With me was Dr. Catherine Birndorf -- which was a lot of fun, because not only is she the co-author of a book on happiness, The Nine Rooms of Happiness, she's also a good friend! So the conversation was fun and not too stressful -- very appropriate, given that we were talking about how to avoid stress.

* Join the happiness discussion on the Facebook Page.

Video: Do a 24-Hour "Boot Camp."

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- this month's theme is Boot Camp. Last week's theme was Do something every day. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week's resolution is to Do a 24-hour boot camp.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Put yourself in creativity boot camp.

How to stick to your New Year's resolutions -- 12 tips.

A surefire way to make yourself happier.

Have you ever tried to blast through a challenging task with twenty-four hours of intense focus? (Or some version of that.) Did it help?

We're nearing the end of the Happiness 2010 Challenge! Hard to believe. You can continue -- or join in -- for the Happiness 2011 Challenge.

* Have I ever mentioned how much I crave getting gold stars? Oh right, I think that may have come up before. Well, now I can have my gold stars and eat them too -- a thoughtful reader pointed out these edible glitter gold stars. Yum.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:

-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, "Email me for new uploads." Or...

-- Go to your main drop-down box, click "Subscriptions," find the GretchenRubin channel, click "Edit Subscriptions," and check "Email me for new uploads" there.

"Happiness Does Not Consist in Things Themselves But in the Relish We Have of Them."

"Happiness does not consist in things themselves but in the relish we have of them; and a man has attained it when he enjoys what he loves and desires himself, and not what other people think lovely and desirable."

-- La Rochefoucauld

Along the same lines, one of my Secrets of Adulthood: Just because something is fun for someone else doesn't mean that it's fun for you -- and vice versa.

* Recently, I've become very interested in the power of smell as an element of happiness, and I was intrigued to see that New York City's Museum of Arts and Design is planning to open a Center of Olfactory Art. I'll be one of the first through the doors when it opens next year.

* Volunteer as a Super-Fan, and from time to time, I'll ask for your help. Nothing onerous, I promise.

Consider Giving "The Happiness Project" Book as a Gift.

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Warning: self-promotion post!

The holiday season is coming fast. If you're looking for gift ideas, let me suggest my book, The Happiness Project.

Obviously, I like the book, but I'll also point out that it's a #1 New York Times bestseller, and stayed on the bestseller list for months; it's an international bestseller that's being published in 31 foreign editions; it has inspired people to launch their own happiness-project groups; and it has been read by hundreds of book clubs. It was even a question on Jeopardy!

You can read sample chapters here and listen to a sample of the audiobook here. You can watch the 30-second TV ad (!) here.

Or, if you like the blog, consider asking for the book as a gift for yourself. "Um, why should I read your book," some people have asked, "when I can read the blog for free?" Other people have asked, more delicately, "I read your blog regularly, so isn't reading the book just more of the same?"

Here are some reasons to read the book:

1. One friend who has read both said she thought the blog was process, the book was conclusion. The ideas in the book are presented in a more distilled, thoughtful way, and the book framework allows me to tell longer stories and explain more complicated ideas. I'm able to show how different ideas fit together, which can be tough to do in one blog post. The book goes deeper.

2. On the blog, I write about whatever subject interests me that day, so it skips from topic to topic. The book is organized by subject matter: Energy, Parenthood, Work, Marriage, Play, Spirituality, Mindfulness, etc. If you're interested in particular subjects, you can focus there.

3. If you've been enjoying the blog, and you'd like to share it with a friend, you can give the book as a gift. You can't give the experience of reading a blog as a gift, but you can give a book.

4. In a book, you can more easily underline and take notes. (You can do this electronically, but many people still find it easier to do with old-fashioned pen and paper.)

5. I'm more forthcoming in my book. I call my family members by their true names. I talk about juicy episodes that I've never mentioned on my blog. I reveal a very major fact about my life that I've never discussed on my blog.

6. Many of my readers have written that they want to buy the book to show their support—a "thank you" for everything I've done for free. Which I very much appreciate.

It has been enormously gratifying for me to hear from readers who have enjoyed the book -- and who say that it has helped them become happier. Perhaps The Happiness Project is something that someone you know -- or you -- would enjoy as a gift.

Ok, enough with the self-promotion!

* On the holiday theme, I loved this Muppets version of "The Carol of the Bells" (one of my favorite carols).

* Speaking of gifts, if you'd like a free, personalized, signed bookplate for a copy of The Happiness Project, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com (be sure to include your mailing address). I will try my best to send these out right away, but I can't guarantee when they'll arrive. I'll be as fast as I can.

"Sometimes You Have To Work Through Pain To Get To Happiness."

Happiness interview: Theo Pauline Nestor.

Through a group of great writers that I've gotten to know, I "met" (virtually) Theo Pauline Nestor. I immediately wanted to read her book, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, because it's a memoir of divorce -- and one of my happiness-project resolutions is to Read memoirs of catastrophe.

I loved this memoir and read it in two days. Divorce is a major happiness challenge, and Theo's account of how she got through it, and made her way back to happiness, is riveting.

Theo also has a great blog, Writing Is My Drink, where she writes about books and writing -- two of my favorite subjects.

What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Walking in the woods. There's a trail about 10 minutes from my house that takes about an hour to walk. Most of the way, the trail winds through a mix of deciduous and evergreens but halfway through it breaks into an open meadow overlooking the water. Whenever I reach that water view, I feel happier. I try to keep a pair of sneakers in the car so when I have a spare hour, I can nip over there for a quick walk.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?

Oh boy, yes. The first thing I didn't know was that sometimes you have to work through pain to get to happiness. When I was 18, there were many things that had made me sad that I hadn't identified, and so while I was very capable of having "fun," I had a fairly low general happiness level. In my case, I had to root out some of that sadness (through therapy), so that I could be happier.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

Yes! Here's the short list: worrying, obsessing, stressing, forgetting to breathe, spending too much time on the computer.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to "There is only love.")

"Mind your own business," is something I say to myself quite often. While it sounds rather rough, it helps raise my overall happiness level. Sometimes, I obsess about the actions and non-actions of others—someone did something that bothers me, someone else didn't do something I think they should have. "Mind your own business" reminds me to bring the focus back to myself and what I can change and control. It also can stop me from judging others, which never makes me happy. [I love this! I've been thinking a lot lately about how to stop being judgmental, and this is a great reminder.]

If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children's books).

One of my comfort activities is watching TV shows on DVD's. I don't normally watch much TV, partly because I don't have time and partly because some of the shows I really like (Mad Men, Weeds) aren't appropriate for kids. It's a big treat to be home all alone and make a cup of tea and watch TV shows for an hour or two.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?

The people I know who are most contented are those who have work that is an expression of who they truly are. Yes, family's important too and a good relationship. But work is at least 40 hours a week (many more for some), and if you love your work, you've got a leg up on feeling good about life.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?

A few times I have been unhappy in my life because I lived in a place where I had little in common with most of the people around me. In those cases, moving away from those places to places where I was able to meet like-minded people brought up my happiness level overnight.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?

I work on being happier by letting go of the desire to change and control others. It was through attending Al-Anon that I realized that this desire to control was stopping me from living my own life and enjoying it. Learning to take the focus off of others and put it on the job ahead of me has been—and will continue to be--an ongoing process.
I also work on being happy by working on my long-term goals. While it's important to have fun and relax, a lot of satisfaction for me comes when I've accomplished something that I've long worked for. I am a big believer in delayed gratification.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn't – or vice versa?

Yes. Last year a few new babies came into my social circle, and I decided that whenever someone I know has a baby, I would make them a blanket. I've never really done much sewing, but these are very simple, and I've found it very satisfying to pick out the material, sew the blankets, and then send them off to their new owners. It makes me really happy. I even have a picture of one of the babies with her blanket on my phone and every time I look at it, I smile.

* Books make a great gift. If you need a book suggestion, try using the Recomm-engine on the site She Writes. Type in info about the recipient where it asks, "+ Who is the book for?" and get great suggestions.

* Want to launch a group for people doing happiness projects together? Email me at grubin @ gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "starter kit" in the subject line.

8 Tips to Beat Holiday Stress.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: eight tips to beat holiday stress.

'Tis the season to be jolly -- and also stressed out. If you're feeling irritable, rushed, resentful, lonely, or overwhelmed, keep these strategies in mind to help boost your happiness:

1. Get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation is a major disturber of people's moods. Jet lag, traveling, parties, and over-excited children all make it hard to get your usual number of hours. Making an effort to get to bed at a decent hour really pays off.

2. Exercise. Studies show that one of the quickest and surest ways to boost your mood is to exercise. If you're away from home and can't do your usual routine, even a short walk will help. Even better, exercise outside, where the sunlight will help improve your mood and focus.

3. Stay in control of your eating. It seems to me that guilt about holiday binging is a major source of the blues. As an abstainer (as opposed to a moderator), I've decided that I won't have even one sweet during December. It's easier for me to abstain altogether than to be temperate. It may seem Scrooge-ish not to have gingerbread cookies or bites of a Winstead's Frosty, but I'm happier when I'm not worrying about it.

4. Take your time; plan ahead. Hurrying to pack, rushing through stores, sprinting to make a flight – these are sure to put you in a bad mood. Try to give yourself plenty of time to do what you need to do.

5. Learn from the past. What has made you unhappy in years of old? Think back. Avoid your triggers. Stay out of the kitchen, stay out of the mall, stay away from Uncle Billy – sometimes there's a weird triumphant satisfaction in getting worked up, yet again, by a particular situation. Don't do it! Don't expose yourself to known happiness risks.

6. Make time for real fun. Sometimes holiday vacations, which are supposed to be "fun," are actually a huge hassle. Figure out ways to have fun. In my family, we decided to reduce gift-giving. All the adults "draw" for each other's names, and we each buy stocking presents for just one other person. Also, include time for things YOU like to do: going to a movie, taking a nap while everyone else goes skating, going to the gym. I plan to spend a lot of time drinking coffee with my sister.

7. Behave yourself! If you sulk, snap, tease, or shirk, you're not going to feel happy. It may feel good, but only for a moment. Then you're going to feel bad. Instead, try to help out, bite your tongue, clean up, or run to the store. Look for opportunities to say, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it," or "This is fine," or "What should I be doing?" Do good, feel good—this really works! The way we act shapes the way we feel, so if you act in an affectionate, thoughtful way, you'll feel more affectionate and thoughtful.

8. Fill your heart with love. My Twelfth Personal Commandment is "There is only love." If you're heading into a difficult situation, take a moment to fill your heart with love. Think of all the reasons that you're grateful to your family and friends, and the happy memories you've shared, and how things might look from other people's perspectives. This can be hard to do, but it will make you happier. And if you're happy, you're going to be better able to make other people happy. That is the mystery of the Second Splendid Truth.

Holidays are supposed to be a time of peace, love, and fun -- and we can't bicker, complain, and nag our way there. Figure out what YOU need to do to keep a holiday spirit. Number One on my personal list: everyone must GET ENOUGH SLEEP.

What stresses you out during the holidays? What do you do to keep yourself feeling calm and light-hearted?

* I love looking at book jackets, and I really enjoyed this post with the 25 outstanding book covers of 2010.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month's material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "newsletter" in the subject line. More than 50,000 people get it.