Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 246

13 Tips for Dealing with a Really Lousy Day.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: 13 tips for dealing with a really lousy day (note the fittingly unlucky number).

We've all had terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. A bad work evaluation, a disappointing grade, a potential crush who turns out to be interested in someone else, a fight with your mother, a worrisome report from a doctor, a broken resolution…lousy days take many forms.

Here are some strategies I use for coping with a lousy day:

1. Resist the urge to "treat" yourself. Often, the things we choose as "treats" aren't good for us. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt, loss of control, and other negative consequences just deepen the lousiness of the day. So when you find yourself thinking, "I'll feel better after I have a few beers…a pint of ice cream…a cigarette…a new pair of jeans," ask yourself – will it REALLY make you feel better? It might make you feel worse.

2. Do something nice for someone else. "Do good, feel good" – this really works. Be selfless, if only for selfish reasons. A friend going through a horrible period told me that she was practically addicted to doing good deeds; that was the only thing that made her feel better.

3. Distract yourself. When my older daughter was born, she had to be in Neonatal Intensive Care for a week. I spent every hour at the hospital, until my husband dragged me away to go to an afternoon movie. I didn't want to go, but afterward, I realized that I was much better able to cope with the situation after having had a bit of relief. Watching a funny movie or TV show is a great way to take a break, or I often re-read beloved classics of children's literature.

4. Seek inner peace through outer order. Soothe yourself by tackling a messy closet, an untidy desk, or crowded countertops. The sense of tangible progress, control, and orderliness can be a comfort. This always works for me – and fortunately, my family is messy enough that I always have plenty of therapeutic clutter at hand.

5. Tell yourself, "Well, at least I…" Get some things accomplished. Yes, you had a horrible day, but at least you went to the gym, or played with your kids, or walked the dog, or read your children a story, or recycled.

6. Exercise is an extremely effective mood booster – but be careful of exercise that allows you to ruminate. For example, if I go for a walk when I'm upset about something, I often end up feeling worse, because the walk provides me with uninterrupted time in which to dwell obsessively on my troubles.

7. Stay in contact. When you're having a lousy day, it's tempting to retreat into isolation. Studies show, though, that contact with other people boosts mood. So try to see or talk to people, especially people you're close to.

8. It's a cliché, but things really will look brighter in the morning. Go to bed early and start the next day anew. Also, sleep deprivation puts a drag on mood in the best of circumstances, so a little extra sleep will do you good.

9. Remind yourself of your other identities. If you feel like a loser at work, send out a blast email to engage with college friends. If you think members of the PTA are mad at you, don't miss the spinning class where everyone knows and likes you.

10. Keep perspective. Ask yourself: "Will this matter in a month? In a year?" I recently came across a note I'd written to myself years ago, that said "TAXES!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I dimly remember the panic I felt about dealing with taxes that year; but it's all lost and forgotten now.

11. Write it down. When something horrible is consuming my mind, I find that if I write up a paragraph or two about the situation, I get immense relief.

12. Be grateful. Remind yourself that a lousy day isn't a catastrophic day. Be grateful that you're still on the "lousy" spectrum. Probably, things could be worse.

13. Use the emergency mood tool-kit. For an emergency happiness intervention, try these tips for getting a boost in the next HOUR.

What other strategies have you used to deal with a lousy day? It's helpful to have a lot of options from which to choose.

* My children's literature/young-adult literature reading groups are famous! First, the New York Times, now the Paris Review blog! My friend and fellow kidlit fan Sarah Burnes is guest-blogging there. Yay.

* Want to launch a group for people doing happiness projects together? Email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "starter kit" in the subject line.

Video: Happiness Booster -- Sing in the morning.

Video: Sing in the morning.

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- last month's theme was Friends, and last week's focus was to Join or start a group. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This month's theme is Attitude, and this week's resolution is to Sing in the morning.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Sing in the morning.

Dig deep.

Act the way you want to feel.

Life's Cruel Truth: you get more of what you already have.

Have you found any simple ways to boost your happiness by acting the way you want to feel? I have to say, I'm constantly surprised by this strategy's almost uncanny effectiveness.

If you're new, here's information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman's Day.

* I always love a visit to Real Delia.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:

-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, "Email me for new uploads." Or...

-- Go to your main drop-down box, click "Subscriptions," find the GretchenRubin channel, click "Edit Subscriptions," and check "Email me for new uploads" there.

How Do Children Affect Their Parents' Happiness?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how people affect each other with their positivity or negativity.

That question presented itself with particular force this Saturday, because my five-year-old woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and by the end of the day, all four of us were in very crabby moods.

One of the big, persistent questions within happiness is: how do I maintain my emotional self-sufficiency while also staying very engaged with the people around me?
(Or, put another way, am I so shallow that a five-year-old's whining can ruin my day?)

I've heard the saying, "You're only as happy as your least happy child." Now, one grumpy day isn't the same thing as having a truly unhappy child. That would have a major, persistent influence on my happiness.

I've read research on how parents affect their children -- in particular, how parents' depression affects children. But I haven't read much about how children affect their parents, and yet, from my own experience, I think it's very significant. Ah, a new area to research.

What do you think? Does that happiness, or lack thereof, of your children make a big difference to you?

* I'm a big fan of the work of Daniel Pink, and I always find lots of interesting material on his blog, Dan Pink.

* If you've been waiting for your bookplate, replacements finally did arrive, and I'm almost caught up. Sorry about the delay! If you'd like a personalized, free bookplate to give as a holiday gift, let me know now, to get it mailed while there's still plenty of time -- or ask for one for yourself. Feel free to request as many as you like. Just email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Don't forget to include your mailing address.

"Life Is Barren Enough Surely With All Her Trappings; Let Us Therefore Be Cautious How We Strip Her."

"Life is barren enough surely with all her trappings; let us therefore be cautious how we strip her."

-- Samuel Johnson

I've been thinking a lot about simplicity lately, and I've realized that for me, the danger is to simplify too much. So, as always, Johnson's words resonated.

* Twitter is great. I mentioned that I loved the theme song from the movie The Exorcist, and someone sent me a link to Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells. I'd never heard the whole thing before.

* Speaking of Twitter, follow me @gretchenrubin.

Frustrated? Stuck? Put Yourself in Creativity Boot Camp.

Happiness resolution: Put yourself in creativity boot camp.

A few days ago, I posted some mental exercises that are meant to boost creativity and flexibility in thinking. One of my own favorite ways to stimulate creativity is to put myself in Creativity Boot Camp.

If you've ever tried to move forward on a creative project, you probably know the frustrating feelings of being blocked – or not having enough time to make progress – or working so sporadically that you can't maintain your focus.

To address these issues, I sometimes use creativity boot camp to tackle a project in an intense, concentrated way.

I saw this when I wrote a novel in a month. That's right, a novel in a month. A passing acquaintance told me about Chris Baty's book, No Plot? No Problem!, in which he lays out a program for writing 1,167 words a day, to produce a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, while keeping your day job. (50,000 words is about the length of The Great Gatsby or The Catcher in the Rye.) I immediately went to the bookstore, bought the book, and started three weeks later. It was a fantastic experience.

In fact, I'm thinking about doing it again; I have an idea for a young-adult novel, and although I doubt that it will be good, because I'm no novelist, I can't stop thinking about it, so would love to get it out of my system. The desire to write outside your field is a common occupational hazard of writers. (How do you like the title "Forest and Horse"? Or "Into the West"?)

I saw the same recommendation in one of my favorite books, Scott McCloud's brilliant Making Comics. He recommends "The 24-Hour Comic": "Draw an entire 24 page comic book in a single 24-hour period. No script. No preparation. Once the clock starts ticking, it doesn't stop until you're done. Great shock therapy for the creatively blocked. Over 1,000 artists have given it a try so far."

If you're intrigued, check out the websites National Novel Writing Month and 24 Hour Comics.

That's the sprint kind of boot camp. I also like the marathon boot-camp, where you do something daily over an extended period. Whenever anyone asks me for advice about how to keep up with writing for a blog, I always say: "Post every day." Although this sounds arduous, many people find, as I do, that weirdly it's easier to write every day than just a few times a week.

I think the Boot Camp approach helps the creative process for several reasons, and it helps with all kinds of projects: finishing a photo album, a gardening project, a wood-working project.

Because you have to get so much done, you don't have time to listen to your internal critic. You just get something done and keep moving, instead of sitting, paralyzed.
Progress itself is reassuring and inspiring. Panic tends to set in when you find yourself getting nothing done, day after day.
Because you're so focused on your project, you begin to make deeper connections and to see more possibilities, instead of being constantly distracted by outside concerns.
Because of the intensity, you can hop in and out of the project, without having to take time to acclimate yourself. I have a writer friend who's married to a painter, and she says their test for working well is when they can sit down and work if they have a spare ten minutes.
You lower your standards. If you're producing a page a week, or one blog post a week, or one sketch a week, you expect it to be pretty darned good, and you fret about quality. Often, however, folks achieve their best work from grinding out the product.
Practice, practice, practice. My novel was terrible, but I think the sheer doing of it helped my writing, just the way practicing scales helps a pianist. The more you practice, the better you'll become.
Because you have a voracious need for material, you become hyper-aware of everything happening around you -- and ideas begin to flood your mind.
You can use this approach even if you're working on a creative project on the side, with all the pressing obligations of a job, family, etc. Instead of feeling perpetually frustrated that you don't have any time for your project, you make yourself make time -- for a specific period.
It's fun! I don't have the urge to climb mountains or run marathons, but I got the same thrill of exertion from writing a novel in a month.

When I'm having trouble getting work done on a big project, my impulse sometimes is to take smaller, easier steps. Sometimes that helps, but sometimes it helps more to take bigger, more ambitious steps instead. By doing more instead of less, I get a boost of energy and focus. How about you? Have you found a boot-camp approach helpful?

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* Amazing video of the mimic octopus, which can imitate the appearance of fifteen species. It's extraordinary to see it change its shape in an instant.

* If you'd like to see a copy of my personal Resolution Chart, to see how I organized it, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "chart" in the subject line.

"It Really Is Just So Much Easier To Be Who You Are."

Happiness interview: Tsh Oxenreider.

I don't remember how I ended up on Simple Mom -- "life hacks for home managers." Probably the phrase "life hacks" lured me there; I can never resist a good life hack. I've also been thinking a lot about the virtue of "simplicity" lately, so I'm reading everything I can on the subject. (It turns out that simplicity is not a simple idea.)

After I'd read for a while, I became very curious to hear what the site's founder, Tsh Oxenreider, had to say on the subject of happiness. Much of what she writes about on her site relates to happiness, and the subject of her new book, Organized Simplicity: The Clutter-Free Approach to Intentional Living, touches on happiness too.

Of course I had to ask about her name, "Tsh." It's pronounced "Tish," and it's missing the vowel because she had parents in an experimental mood in the 1970s. I was very happy to discover that Tsh is as much a sleep zealot as I am. Get enough sleep! Such a simple thing, so important.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Tsh: Having friends over for dinner. When I'm anticipating it, I'm tempted to stress. In the moment, though, I'm loving it, and wondering why we don't do it more often.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?

That it's worth pursuing, even if it doesn't look the way you think it's "supposed" to look. And that it's much easier to enjoy your own rather than wishing away someone else's.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

Staying up too late.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to "Be Gretchen.") Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?

One of my favorite life quotes is this one from writer Elisabeth Elliot: "When you don't know what to do, do the thing in front of you." Very helpful wisdom for someone like me, who's tempted to perfectionism and people pleasing. Those things tend to freeze me. But if I just do something, anything, my mood and my energy level plows forward.

If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity?

I walk away from screens of any form (even the little one on my cell phone), find some sunshine, and drink some water. Music is helpful sometimes, as is going on a little walk. But the one definite is no screen time. Doing this all outside is a major plus.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?

The main thing I see people doing that detracts from their happiness (including my own) is trying to be someone they weren't made to be. It really is just so much easier to be who you are. It's an insult to God's creativity, really, to try and be someone else. And it's no fun.

The main thing I see people doing that adds to their happiness is getting enough sleep, water, exercise, and real food. And only spending money they actually have, not living on credit.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?

In June 2007 I was diagnosed with depression, and in hindsight I can see that it was probably post-partum from my daughter's birth in February 2005. I worked with a therapist for several months, and one of the best pieces of advice he gave me was to find a creative outlet, to get out of my inner focus. My husband suggested blogging, because I've always liked to write and because it's a cheap hobby. I bought the domain name simplemom.net soon after. Writing lifted my mood tremendously. It continues to make me extraordinarily happy.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?

Absolutely. It's a choice for me, it doesn't just happen. When I see my symptoms of depression flare up, I make sure I get more sleep, exercise, sunshine, and vitamin D -- things usually improve soon after I make a more conscious decision to do these things. I also force myself to interact with people more -- grab coffee with girlfriends, have people over for dinner, and the like. I'm an extroverted introvert, which means I enjoy people once I make the effort, but I'm still mostly recharged by being by myself. As a blogger and stay-at-home mom to small children, it's very easy for me to go all week without seeing three-dimensional people taller than three feet. When I force myself out of my chair and into the coffee shop across the table from a girlfriend, things immediately get better. I'm happier.

I'm also a Christian, so I get refueled when I read the Bible, especially Philippians and Proverbs, and also when I spend time in contemplative, listening prayer. By this, I mean prayer when I mostly sit and listen to God, not rattle off a list of "things I need" to Him.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn't – or vice versa?

Shockingly, the high from a pumpkin spice latte is relatively short, at least in relation to its cost. Mostly, though, I'm continually surprised at how things don't make me happy. I don't enjoy shopping, so I rarely know what's "out there." However, when I do flip through a magazine or browse an online store, my mind can easily wander to images of how my life or my home would be better with that one thing. Honestly, though? 24 hours later, and I've moved on. I don't even remember it. This is why I almost always wait 24 hours before making any purchase.

Last week I went to the mall for the first time in over a year -- I needed a place to kill some time with my two-year-old, and it needed to be air-conditioned. So we just wandered the mall on a Tuesday morning... And suddenly, I saw all these great things. Such cute kids' clothes. Adorable toys. Shiny kitchen gadgets. I felt my blood pressure rise. And so I knew it was time to leave.

Happiness has never been in relation to collecting stuff. At least in my short history.

* If you've never seen the one-minute movie, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy it.

9 Surprising and Intriguing Brain Exercises.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: 9 mental exercises -- zany but productive.

Dorothea Brande was an American writer and editor, well known for her books Wake Up and Live and Becoming a Writer (a useful resource for writers, by the way).

In 1936, in Wake Up and Live, Brande suggests several mental exercises to make your mind keener and more flexible. These exercises are meant to pull you out of your usual habits, give your a different perspective, and put you in situations that will demand resourcefulness and creative problem-solving. Brande argues that only by testing and stretching yourself can you develop mental strength. Here are some of her suggestions:

Even apart from the goals of creativity and mental flexibility, Brande's exercises make sense from a happiness perspective. One thing is clear: novelty and challenge bring happiness. People who stray from their routines, try new things, explore, and experiment tend to be happier than those who don't. Of course, as Brande herself points out, novelty and challenge can also bring frustration, anxiety, confusion, and annoyance along the way; it's the process of facing those challenges that brings the "atmosphere of growth" so important to happiness. (It's the First Splendid Truth: to be happy, you must think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.)

1. Spend an hour each day without saying anything except in answer to direct questions, in the midst of the usual group, without creating the impression that you're sulking or ill. Be as ordinary as possible. But do not volunteer remarks or try to draw out information.

2. Think for 30 minutes a day about one subject exclusively. Start with five minutes.

3. Talk for 15 minutes a day without using I, me, my, mine.

4. Pause on the threshold of any crowded room and size it up.

5. Keep a new acquaintance talking about himself or herself without allowing him to become conscious of it. Turn back any courteous reciprocal questions in a way that your auditor doesn't feel rebuffed.

6. Talk exclusively about yourself and your interests without complaining, boasting, or boring your companions.

7. Plan two hours of a day and stick to the plan.

8. Set yourself twelve tasks at random: e.g., go twenty miles from home using ordinary conveyance; go 12 hours without food; go eat a meal in the unlikeliest place you can find; say nothing all day except in answer to questions; stay up all night and work.

9. From time to time, give yourself a day when you answer "yes" to any reasonable request.

Doing this kind of exercise can seem artificial, but it can also be a fun way to put a little challenge into your ordinary routine. Have you tried any useful exercises along these lines?

* I was thrilled when my friend Jennifer Smith (author of the great young-adult novels You Are Here and The Comeback Season, and a member of one of my children/YA literature reading groups) sent me this extraordinary link: to J.K. Rowling's handwritten outline for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I'm always fascinated to get an insight into a writer's process.

* The Happiness Project is being published all over the world -- 31 foreign editions -- very exciting! To see a gallery of the covers that have been produced so far, look here. Very interesting to see the variety.

Video: Want to Have Fun and Make Friends? Join or Start a Group.

Video: Join or start a group.

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- this month's theme is Friends. Last week's resolution was to Show up. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week's resolution is to Join or start a group.

Because of technical difficulties, you'll see that this video looks a little different from usual. These things happen!

Have you found that joining or starting a group has boosted your happiness? It's a lot of work to start a group, but it really is an engine of friendship and satisfaction.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Want to boost your happiness? Start a happiness-project group.

Eight tips for maintaining friendships.

Reasons to consider joining or forming a group.

If you're new, here's information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman's Day.

* If you want to start a group for people doing happiness projects together, email me for the starter kit. It has a lot of suggestions about how to get started. Just email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com.

"Happy People Make People Happy -- But You Can't MAKE Someone Happy."

For the past few weeks, I've been thinking and writing a lot about how people of pronounced positivity and people of pronounced negativity affect each other. (a/k/a Tiggers vs. Eeyores.) These two groups often annoy and drain each other (and themselves) in their efforts to make conversions to their own ways of thinking.

Whenever I have a big idea, I try to sum it up in a few words: "The days are long, but the years are short"; "Accept myself, and expect more from myself."
Sometimes these are a bit koan-ish: "Happiness doesn't always make me feel happy."

I summed up the present line of argument in this way:

Happy people make people happy -- but you can't make someone happy.

What do you think?

And now...no more on this topic for a while.

On another note -- thanks so much for all the kind words of congratulations about the Kristin Davis/NBC/Kristin Newman television deal! I appreciate that so much.

* I'm in Long Beach, California, right now, to speak at Maria Shriver's Women's Conference this evening -- so happy to be here. If you're interested, you should be able to watch the live webcast here.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month's material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "newsletter" in the subject line.

"There Are Children Who Will Leave a Game to Go and Be Bored in a Corner of the Garret."

"There are children who will leave a game to go and be bored in a corner of the garret. How often have I wished for the attic of my boredom when the complications of life made me lose the very germ of freedom!"

-- Gaston Bachelard

* I love books and book arts, and this video is incredible -- paper-cut animation of Maurice Gee's Going West. Favorite part: at the very end, when the letters walked away. Seeing this makes me want to write the Andersen M Studio right now to try do something with my book!

* Lots of interesting discussion on the Facebook Page.