Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 245

Sign Up for a Daily Moment of Happiness.

I take notes whenever I read. I have several notebooks full of quotations, plus two gigantic documents on my computer that I keep meaning to print out. I've had this habit for years; I started my first notebook when I was in sixth grade, and while my taste has changed, the habit has never left me.

I've copied hundreds of passages, and of course, happiness is a particularly rich source of memorable writing. I know that many readers share my love of quotations, so I'm introducing something new.

Ta-da!

Starting Monday, every weekday morning, you can receive a daily email with a short, thoughtful, happiness-related quotation.

Mindfulness is essential to happiness. Reading a thought-provoking, beautifully written passage is a happy way to start your day -- plus it will help remind you to make choices in your ordinary routine that will boost your happiness. So sign up for the Moment of Happiness.

Sign up here. And if you have any suggestions for quotations, I'd love to get them. Just email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com.

Happy reading.

* Love that time-lapse photography! Here's a video of a lightning storm over Toronto.
Beautiful.

* If you'd rather email me to sign up for the daily email of happiness quotations, just drop me a note at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com.

"It Was an Intense Time with Lots of Sadness, But...I Came Into the Real Me."

Happiness interview: Emily McKhann.

I love meeting people I know from the internet in real life. In the great debate about whether technology brings people closer, or driver them further apart, I'm firmly in the first camp (though I also see the drawbacks of all this technology, too).

I'm a fan of TheMotherhood, so was happy to get the chance to meet Emily McKhann in person. With her longtime friend Cooper, Emily started TheMotherhood -- "all about helping each other make life a little better every day" -- which has has become a major web community for mothers. Helpful, and also very funny.

I knew Emily had done a lot of thinking about happiness, so I was curious to hear her speak directly on the subject of happiness.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Emily: Remembering to slow down, look my kids in the eye, hear what they're saying and laugh. Along those lines, years ago, we started 'funny breakfasts.' It's pretty silly, but every once in a while we do goofy things at breakfast time like give the cereals made-up names, invent crazy to-dos for the day or whatever else we can think of to get each other laughing. We don't do it often enough, but when we do, it's such a great start to the day. The rush of getting out the door disappears and the whole mood shifts and I find myself pausing and just loving my girls' sparkly eyes.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?

I know now not to let my college friend cut my hair really, really short. And oh so much more. As an 18 year old, I had no idea I would like each decade more than the previous. When I was in my 30s, I lost my best friend, my mother-in-law and my stepfather to cancer and I went through infertility for years and it was an intense time with lots of sadness, but still I look back on those years as the time when I came into the real me. I grew and learned a lot, and well, it's a good thing to know life is short, to appreciate people's – my own and others' - strengths and weaknesses, to love, and to feel grateful for what I have.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

I get too busy and then I feel like I'm not doing anything well enough. Somehow the term 'balance' doesn't get at the real idea for me. It's just life and some days there aren't enough hours. I'd be happier about this if I thought I were actually making progress here.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful? (I remind myself to "Act the way I wish I felt.") Or something that particularly inspired you?

I just saw Brené Brown's TEDx video on living wholeheartedly and loved it. She talks about how, through her research, she's learned that our joy in life depends on having the courage to be imperfect, authentic and vulnerable. It made me happy just watching her (she's funny too), and I know in my bones she's right.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?

I love when I see people take the time to listen to and be there for each other, in real life and online. When people talk about what's going on in their lives and then they hear, "Oh hon, I've so been there." or "I'm going through that too" or even just "I hear you." that can make such a difference. We see it in TheMotherhood all the time, and it's why I treasure these conversations with my family and friends too.

* On the subject of blogs about motherhood, I just spent a looong time reading Jennifer Margulis's Mothering Outside the Lines.

* Want to launch a group for people doing happiness projects together? Email me at grubin @ gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "starter kit" in the subject line.

10 Common Happiness Mistakes.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day -- or List Day, or Quiz Day.

This Wednesday: 10 common happiness mistakes.

To delay to do something important until you have some "free time," because you may never have any free time
To retreat into isolation when you're unhappy
To neglect to make a small change because you think a big change is necessary
To refuse to consider a big change because you assume you can only make a small change
To "treat" yourself to something you wouldn't ordinarily permit yourself, because you're feeling blue
To postpone something important until you're feeling healthier, or thinner, or married, or whatever
To think that you can "make" someone else be happy
To imagine that what's true for other people is true for you
To spend too much time, or not enough time, thinking about the past, present, or future
To ignore the truth about your own temperament, interests, and aptitudes

I had an eleventh mistake, but my computer didn't save the document properly, and now I can't remember what else I'd added. Very annoying. What have I overlooked? Wait! I just thought of another. "To think about everything you don't have, instead of everything you do have." But that wasn't the one that I forgot...

* I loved this though-provoking post, Thanksgiving Parade, on the site of my friend Maria Giacchino -- who is also the woman responsible for the weekly videos and my book trailer and TV commercial.

* If you'd like to volunteer to be a Super-Fan, and help me out from time to time (nothing onerous), click here. I so appreciate the support and enthusiasm of the Super-Fans.

Video -- Get a Quick Boost of Happiness: JUMP.

Video: Jump!

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- this month's theme is Attitude, and last week's resolution was to Sing in the morning. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week's resolution is to Jump.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Jump!

7 tips for keeping school-day mornings calm and cheerful.

If you're new, here's information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman's Day.

* I got a chill reading this post, Getting to a 9 on the (admittedly arbitrary) happiness scale, from the wonderful Gwen Bell -- what a happy life she has created for herself, with much care, effort, and thought. I was thrilled and honored to hear that my work was helpful.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:

-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, "Email me for new uploads." Or...

-- Go to your main drop-down box, click "Subscriptions," find the GretchenRubin channel, click "Edit Subscriptions," and check "Email me for new uploads" there.

Happiness is...a Beautiful Scent: Fireplace, Baby Powder, Christmas Tree.

Recently, I've become very interested in the sense of smell. This was partly inspired by my five-year-old daughter, who is a real "nose." She responds more powerfully to smells than anyone I've ever met.

To learn more, I turned to Rachel Herz's wonderful book, The Scent of Desire. I highly recommend it to anyone who's interested in this subject.

In discussing her surprising, fascinating argument that our responses to smells are learned, not instinctive — that is, nothing smells good (roses) or bad (rotten meat) until you learn that it's a good smell or a bad smell — she mentioned Demeter Fragrance.

Demeter Fragrance, Herz explained, is known for creating naturalistic, unusual perfumes, like Bonfire or Dirt. I was intrigued, so looked them up online.

I couldn't believe it. What an astonishing array of scents! Crayon. Bamboo. Clean Windows. Dust. Bourbon. Cherry Blossom. Snow. Grass. Earthworm. Laundromat. Lilac. Frozen Pond. Gardenia. New Zealand. Steam Room.

At first I thought wistfully, "I wish I could smell some of these myself." Then I realized — I could! I could buy some of these! They weren't very expensive. One of my resolutions is to Indulge in a modest splurge. I knew the girls would love it, too.

I went a little nuts, I have to confess. It was hard to choose, because I wanted to try them all. Bonfire. Pure Soap. Salt Air. Bulgarian Rose, because I love the smell of roses, and roses are an auspicious motif for my happiness project. And I had to get Paperback, right? Our box arrived on Saturday, and we had so much fun testing the different fragrances.

I ended up liking the atmosphere sprays more than the colognes – maybe because they were more unusual. My favorites: Baby Powder, Fireplace, and Christmas Tree. Wonderful scents! In the cologne, my favorites were Wet Garden and Flower Show. Both flowery smells, except that...well, one smells like a wet garden and one smells like a flower show. Frozen Margarita cologne (a bonus scent) really smells like frozen margarita, but I don't want to smell like a frozen margarita.

I always disdained "air fresheners" and only bought a scented candle after I was enraptured by a Jo Malone Orange Blossom candle at a party. I also thought a scent should arise naturally, from the appropriate flower or fireplace or actual baby powder. But since Saturday, I've become a true believer. My office smells like Christmas Tree! I love it. And while I couldn't sprinkle real baby powder around our trash area, I love getting a hit of that lovely baby-powder smell when I put out the garbage.

I've never thought much about the sense of smell, but now that I've learned more, I realize how critical this sense is to our feelings of vitality and enjoyment. I'm doing whatever I can think of to eliminate the bad smells and appreciate the good scents in my life.

It's really too bad that the word "smell" is such an ugly word.

Are you affected strongly by smell – or not? What are your favorite scents? Have you found a way to cultivate an appreciation of them in your daily life?

* Leo Babauta, the founder of ZenHabits and Write to Done, and the author of The Power of Less, just came out with a terrific new book, Focus: A Simplicity Manifesto in the Age of Distraction. A fascinating subject.

* Want a copy of my Resolutions Chart, to see what it looks like? Email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "chart" in the subject line.

"These Are Travellers Notes Which I Offer Myself Should I Again Be Lost."

"A hint for the future. Always relieve pressure by a flight. Always violently turn the pillow: hack an outlet. Often a trifle does. A review offered of Marie Corelli by the Listener. These are travellers notes which I offer myself should I again be lost."

-- Virginia Woolf, Diary, January 26, 1940

How many times have I read Woolf's A Writer's Diary? Countless.

* Wordle -- "beautiful word clouds." Check it out, it's terrific.

* Want a free, personalized bookplate for your copy of The Happiness Project -- or for a holiday gift? Email me at grubin @ gretchenrubin dot com. Feel free to ask for as many as you'd like – and don't forget to include your mailing address.

Back to the Basics of Happiness: Smile.

Happiness resolution: Smile.

I'm not a very smile-y person, and lately I've noticed that when I do smile, my face sometimes feels like I haven't smiled in a loooong time.

I've been trying to remember to smile more, even just walking down the street. At first I felt a bit silly, but I quickly realized that no one minds if you're looking happy. I also try to give a real smile whenever I interact with someone — buying a cup of coffee, checking in at the gym, going through security before going up to an office (is it only in New York City that you have to show your driver's license in order to go into an office building?). I find it draining to make polite small talk with strangers, but I can give a real smile.

Facial expressions don't merely reflect emotions, they also influence emotions. In "facial feedback," studies show, the mere act of smiling makes people happier — even when they smile mechanically, as I'm doing, or when they're asked not to "smile" but rather to contract specific facial muscles.

Random smiling is an example of my resolution to Act the way I want to feel: while people suppose that feelings inspire actions, in fact, actions also inspire feelings. So by acting happier, I should feel happier. And you know, I think I do. "Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile," Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, "but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

Also, because of emotional contagion, people often mimic the faces of people they see. One reasons that people are attracted to happy people is that they "catch" that happiness, themselves.

The biggest challenge for smiling is to remember to do it. I'm reminded of my various efforts to improve my posture. I'm good for a little while, then get distracted and don't think about it for the rest of the day. One strategy: smile whenever I see a traffic light.

One note about smiling -- from the comments to the three-part Tigger vs. Eeyore discussion, I get the impression that some Tiggers make a habit of telling people "Smile!" -- and that many Eeyores find this habit intrusive and deeply annoying. So it appears more effective to let others "catch" your smile rather than telling them to smile. "But they'd be happier if they'd smile!" you may protest. Maybe, but the Eeyores report that being told to smile doesn't make them feel like smiling. Just the opposite.

Do you find that you can boost your happiness by smiling or through other similar measures? What works for you?

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* My children's literature/young-adult literature reading groups are famous! First, the New York Times, now the Paris Review blog! My friend and fellow kidlit fan Sarah Burnes is guest-blogging there. Yay.

* If you like the blog, you'll love the book. Read more about The Happiness Project. (I can't resist adding, #1 New York Times bestseller.)

Yay! "The Happiness Project" is #32 in the Amazon Top 100 List.

From the Department of Self-Promotion:

Hooray! I heard that The Happiness Project is #32 on the Amazon Top 100 list for 2010. And did I ever happen to mention that it was also a #1 New York Times bestseller? Oh, right, I think I did.

Yay! "The Happiness Project" is #32 in the Amazon Top 100 Books.

From the Department of Self-Promotion:

Hooray! I just found out that The Happiness Project is #32 on Amazon's Top 100 Books for 2010. Did I also happen to mention that it's a #1 New York Times bestseller? Oh, right, I think maybe I did.

Want to check out the book for yourself? Read sample chapters here.

"I Thought That If I Wasn't Happy, Given All My Good Fortune in Life, That There Was Something Wrong with Me."

Happiness interview: Phoebe Potts.

Ever since I read Scott McCloud's brilliant Making Comics, I've been intrigued with the possibilities of the graphic novel. One of my overarching intellectual interests is -- how can the structure of information be shaped to help people understand and learn? There's a lot that a graphic novel can do that a text novel can't (and vice versa, of course).

So I was very interested to get my hands on Phoebe Potts's new memoir, Good Eggs. I read it in one day.

Good Eggs is about Phoebe and Jeff's struggles with infertility, but it's also about their marriage -- they have a wonderful marriage -- and Phoebe's depression, and her family, and her exploration of her religious heritage. It covers a lot of subjects, very succinctly and powerfully -- and it's also very funny.

Happiness is one of the big undercurrents of the book, so I was curious to hear Phoebe address the subject explicitly.

What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Digging holes in the yard. To the casual observer, it looks like I'm gardening, which isn't incorrect as I do eventually harvest produce as part of this activity. But really I just like digging holes.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?

At 18, I thought that if I wasn't happy, given all my good fortune in life, that there was something wrong with me. I would feel ashamed that I was not more grateful. Now I know that happiness is one feeling from an expansive palette of emotions. And that experiencing all of them as they happen, however painful some of them can be, makes happiness so much sweeter when it comes back around. I mean, now I can recognize the real thing.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

Contrary to my answer to #2, I do anesthetize myself from difficult feelings by consuming large amounts of sugar. Sometimes I imagine all the M&M's I've eaten, and that the number of dump trucks they could fill would circle the equator twice. The weight gain and general malaise that follows the sugar binges leaves me far from happy.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've found very helpful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?

I had a book of Carl Sandburg's poetry when I was a kid with these great pen and ink line drawings. There was a poem called "Happiness," where he asked masters of the universe for the key to contentment, people who ran huge factories, and they didn't know. Then one Saturday he sees an immigrant family on the shores of the river in Chicago, playing accordion, dancing and generally goofing off. He doesn't have to say that he found happiness, at that point it's obvious. I don't think those same immigrants were happy all week long in one of the bosses' factories of course, but it seemed like the combination of food, music, nature and close relations coming together in an afternoon fat with space and time would equal happiness.

If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children's books).

Making sure to take my Zoloft. Being near, or preferably in, the ocean with my husband. Looking at animals.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?

When people sing together, they seem to be really happy. I've seen this at a Red Sox game, at my local synagogue, in the Gospel tent at JazzFest in New Orleans. I teach kids part-time and I notice that when they are not heard they are unhappy. The quickest way to see relief and pleasure wash over their faces is to ask them something and listen, really listen, to their answers.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?

I was exceptionally unhappy and considering suicide when I was 25. It was the first time in my life I had stopped moving long enough for all the feelings I had left unfelt to catch up with me, like a 10 car pile-up on the highway. I became happier by asking for help to learn to be myself. I was advised to use the time-worn regimen of therapy, exercise and anti-depressants. But these three practices alone would not have worked had it not been for the constant, if meshugenah, love of my family and a few choice friends. Once I had effectively chosen life, MY life, I could lift my chin up off my chest, and that's when I saw my future husband. Being married to Jeff is the cornerstone of my happiness today.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn't – or vice versa?

I just came out with my first book, a comic book memoir called Good Eggs. I worked on it happily in obscurity for three years. When the book launch finally came, I thought I would really like the "public" in publication. And while I am deeply grateful for the folks who respond positively to the book, getting attention in public isn't nearly as satisfying as drawing and writing all day. Getting paid to draw little pictures at home, stopping only to dig holes in the yard or hanging out with Jeff, that's what makes me happy.

* Readers interested in the subject of infertility should also check out the great blog, Starfish Envy.

* Speaking of comics and graphic novels, if you'd like a copy of my adventure in comic-making, "Gretchen Rubin and the Quest for a Passion," email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "comic" in the subject line.