Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 247

Newsflash! "Kristin Davis Set to Star in NBC's "Happiness" Project." Yay!

From The Hollywood Reporter:

KRISTIN DAVIS TO STAR IN NBC'S 'HAPPINESS' PROJECT

Sex and the City star Kristin Davis is set to star in a new NBC project that would mark her return to series television.

NBC has picked up Davis' The Happiness Project, based on the best-selling memoir by Gretchen Rubin about a woman's quest to become a happier person.

The single-camera, half-hour project will be produced by Universal Media Studios and Mosaic.

Kristin Newman (Chuck, How I Met Your Mother) is in negotiations to write the pilot and executive produce. Jimmy Miller and Dave Fleming will also executive produce.

Rubin was once a law clerk for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. She embarked on a year-long quest to make herself happier, trying out scientific studies and pop culture wisdom. She documented her experiments on her blog.

The project was packaged by UTA.

Yes, it's true -- Kristin Davis! NBC! Yay! I am very happy. More info to come.

Consider the Elephant, or, Why Thinking about a Rhinoceros Can Make You Happier.

I often battle the familiar happiness challenge of keeping myself from ruminating about something that has annoyed, angered, or upset me. Studies show that dwelling on irritating feelings and episodes amplifies their power in our minds -- a real source of unhappiness. If I take a moment deliberately to distract myself from bad feelings, I help alleviate them.

When I'm having trouble with this, I tell myself to Contemplate the heavens. This phrase comes from one of my favorite quotations, from Boethius, who wrote, "Contemplate the extent and stability of the heavens, and then at last cease to admire worthless things."

I also tell myself to "Consider the elephant," in reference to painter Eugene Delacroix's framing of the same idea. He wrote in his Journal (which I highly recommend, by the way):

The Natural History Museum is open to the public on Tuesdays and Fridays. Elephant, rhinoceros, hippopotamus; extraordinary animals! Rubens rendered them marvelously. I had a feeling of happiness as soon as I entered the place and the further I went the stronger it grew. I felt my whole being rise above commonplaces and trivialities and the petty worries of my daily life. What an immense variety of animals and species of different shapes and functions!

Just thinking about his pleasure in seeing these animals makes me happier. And he summed up perfectly what I'm trying to do: "rise above the commonplaces and trivialities and the petty worries of my daily life."

Some people get this feeling of elevation and perspective from nature, others from art, and I'm sure from many other things.

If you want to distract yourself and raise your thoughts, what do you think about? Do you consider the elephant, contemplate the heavens, or something similar?

* I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* I'm a huge fan of children's literature, and I'm also fascinated by the art of book-jacket design, so I wished that this fascinating piece, Classic Kids Book Covers Then and Now, had been fifty times longer.

* If you've been waiting for your free, personalized bookplate, sorry about the delay! I JUST got re-supplied and will catch up as soon as possible. If you haven't asked for one, but would like one, just email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Don't forget to include your mailing address, and feel free to ask for as many as you'd like.

Quiz: Are You a "Tigger" or an "Eeyore"? Plus a Few Points to Consider.

Every Wednesday is Quiz Day, or Tip Day.

Quiz: Are you a "Tigger" or an "Eeyore"? Plus a few points to consider.

I can't stop thinking about the difficult dynamic between Tiggers and Eeyores. This is a major insight for me! I'm excited! Having an original idea is a rare treat. (As so often happens with an original idea, once I have it, I'm struck by how obvious it is. I spend a lot of time trying to discern the obvious.)

In the posts Are you annoyed by excessively cheery people? Or extremely gloomy people?, Parts One and Two, I set forth my evolving ideas about how people react to each other's pronounced positivity or negativity. I've been trying to understand what happens when a "Tigger" and an "Eeyore" clash, which seems to be a common happiness hurdle. I want to thank everyone who has commented, because your observations have helped me so much as I think through this issue.

And now, for a quiz!

Do you know whether you're a Tigger or an Eeyore? And if you are a Tigger or an Eeyore, do you realize that you may be fostering the very behavior in your counterpart that you hope will change?

Check the statements apply to you:

If you're a Tigger, you say things like…

___"Happiness is a choice."

___ "Look on the bright side."

___ "Smile!"

___ "Fake it 'till you feel it."

Tiggers believe that their point of view is more socially valuable, more thoughtful, more realistic, and more morally admirable than that of Eeyores.

If you're an Eeyore, you say things like…

___ "No one can be cheerful all the time. It's fake."

___ "Thinking the glass is always half-full isn't realistic. It's self-deception."

___ "If someone asks me, 'How are you?' I'm going to tell the truth, even if people don't want an honest answer."

___ "Authenticity is important to me. I hate phonies."

Eeyores believe that their point of view is more socially valuable, more thoughtful, more realistic, and more morally admirable than that of Tiggers.

Tensions arise when a Tigger and an Eeyore strive to convert each other. The more they try to convince each other to adopt a different perspective, the more the other resists. Tiggers fear being dragged down by the Eeyores, and Eeyores feel resentful and irritated by the Tiggers' insistent cheer.

Tiggers: remember, you can't make someone happy. Let your happiness naturally rub off on the Eeyores, but don't exhaust yourself trying to jolly them along. Telling Eeyores "Cheer up!" or refusing to acknowledge anything negative won't make them cheerier. Your effort will just drain you, and it will irritate the Eeyores – in fact, they'll probably hold more stubbornly to their worldview, and may become even more intensely negative to counter-balance your positivity. The opposite of what you want!

They may feel that you're being intolerant of people who think differently from you, and that you want to deny and invalidate their point of view. Your attempts to bring cheer may feel intrusive and suffocating.

Eeyores: remember, you believe you're being "realistic" and "honest," but Tiggers may find you gloomy and critical. Because your downbeat emotions are catching (a phenomenon called "emotional contagion"), they dread being sucked into your negativity.

Remember, too, that while you believe that some Tiggers are "fake," their extreme cheerfulness may be in reaction to you – yes, you may be inciting the very Tiggerness that is driving you crazy! – as a counter-balance against your attitudes; or the extreme cheerfulness may be in reaction to some major happiness challenge elsewhere in their lives. Cut them a little slack.

Research and experience show that the "fake it 'till you feel it" strategy really does work. People who act happier, friendlier, and more energetic will help themselves feel happier, friendlier, and more energetic (the opposite is also true). Tiggers often act Tiggerish because they're trying to keep that Tigger flame alive.

For both Tiggers and Eeyores, a good strategy is not to try to make conversions. These efforts are depleting, frustrating, and even worse—polarizing. People may become more Tiggerish, or more Eeyorish, the more vehemently you present the opposing viewpoint. You say you're trying to be helpful, but are you really helping? Are your words having the effect you want? Tiggers and Eeyores alike are often proud of their identities; they aren't going to be talked out of them.

And a special note to the Eeyores: the fact is, most people don't like feeling down. One of the most common happiness questions I hear is, "How do I protect myself from someone who is constantly negative?" If being around you is a downer, many people will try to avoid you or insulate themselves from you. Whether or not this should be true, it is true. Think about it.

So what to do? Tiggers, Eeyores, let your actions and attitude speak for themselves. Do what's right for you, and don't worry about explicitly persuading other people to change their views (even if you know you're right). Don't flatly deny someone's viewpoint – "Things aren't that bad!" "You have to face facts!" – but briefly acknowledge their perspective. Be yourself. As Samuel Johnson observed, "Example is always more efficacious than precepts."

Referring to Winnie-the-Pooh perhaps put me in mind to recall one of my favorite scenes in all of children's literature – the delicious defense of Lucy in C. S. Lewis's Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Lucy has told her brothers and sister that she's traveled through a wardrobe into the magical kingdom of Narnia. They think that she's either lying or going mad. The two oldest children consult with the elderly Professor:

"But what are we to do?" said Susan. She felt that the conversation was beginning to get off the point.

"My dear young lady," said the Professor, suddenly looking up with a very sharp expression at both of them, "there is one plan which no one has yet suggested and which is well worth trying."

"What's that?" said Susan.

"We might all try minding our own business," said he. And that was the end of that conversation.

I'm still thinking this through and may not be understanding the dynamic clearly. Please comment about your experiences; I so appreciate hearing them.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month's material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "newsletter" in the subject line. Or click here. About 50,000 people get it.

Video: Show Up (If You Want to Build and Strengthen Your Friendships).

Video: Show up -- if you want to build and strengthen your friendships.

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- this month's theme is Friends, and last week's focus was to Stop gossiping. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week's resolution is to Show up.

(** I'm trying to fix the video dimensions, because previous videos have been off-center for some people. Let me know if it's still not working! Or if I've made things worse, entirely possible.)

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

Your assignment: Show up.

Eight tips for maintaining friendships.

Why it's a good idea to show up.

If you're new, here's information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman's Day.

* My friend, science writer Maia Szalavitz, started blogging for Time.com's new section, Healthland -- "a healthy balance of the mind, body, and spirit" -- so I went to check it out. If you're interested in the science of health and happiness, lots of great material there.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:

-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, "Email me for new uploads." Or...

-- Go to your main drop-down box, click "Subscriptions," find the GretchenRubin channel, click "Edit Subscriptions," and check "Email me for new uploads" there.

Are You Annoyed by Excessively Cheery People? Or Extremely Gloomy People? Part II.

I've been thinking a lot about the post from two weeks ago -- about people's reactions to each other's pronounced positivity or negativity. In some cases, the very upbeat, cheerful Tigger and the very gloomy, downbeat Eeyore resist, annoy, and exhaust each other, in a kind of emotional tug-of-war, as each tries to make the other adopt the proper point of view.

In the post's reader comments (which were fascinating), several people argued that they were annoyed by the "fakeness" of a Tigger's cheer. "No one can be that cheerful all the time," "It's unrealistic," "It's just a mask," etc. Often, they acknowledged that some people were genuinely upbeat all the time, which was fine; what they disliked was the falseness of the artificial Tigger. It wasn't the attitude, it was the "fakeness" of the Tiggerish attitude.

When I think back on people in my own life who seemed to force themselves to be upbeat, who might be considered "fake Tiggers," I noticed a common thread: many of them were facing a major happiness challenge in their lives. Sometimes this challenge was very apparent, sometimes it wasn't widely known.

I suspect that, just as Tiggers and Eeyores try to counter-balance each other, and sometimes polarize and irritate and exhaust each other, as discussed in that previous post, perhaps Tiggers who seem "fake" — that is, who seem to be trying very hard to stay positive, no matter what — are trying to offset some source of major unhappiness in their lives.

So, if someone's stubborn, "fake" refusal to acknowledge the dark side of life is annoying you, consider whether he or she might be struggling to stay afloat, to resist being dragged down completely by someone or something. We think we know people, but really, we usually know very little.

(I know, my use of "Tigger" and "Eeyore" is a bit twee, but I can't think of another pair of well-known characters who represents this distinction so well. Any suggestions?)

* One of my favorite things about the internet is the way it allows me to see the world from a completely different perspective. For instance, I just spent a lot of time reading Jamie the Very Worst Missionary -- "inappropriate remarks, embarrassing antics, and generally lame observations about living life as a Christian missionary in Costa Rica."

* Have you just said to yourself, "Hey, I'm reading this blog, but what about the book? Is the BOOK, The Happiness Project, any good?" Well, your suspense is over. Read sample chapters here. And I'll casually mention, too, that the book was a #1 New York Times bestseller.

"If One Understands One Thing Well, One Has Understanding of Many Things."

"If one is the master of one thing and understands one thing well, one has at the same time insight into and understanding of many things."

-- Vincent van Gogh

* Two online talks this week!

-- * On October 20, at 1:00 EDT, I'll be talking about happiness with Dr. Paula Bloom on This Emotional Life. For more info and to sign up, click here.

-- On October 21, at noon EDT, I'll be talking about to use internet tools to spread your ideas with branding expert (and terrific guy) William Arruda on Reach Personal Branding. For more info and to sign up, click here.

Want to Feel Happier? Read Something for Fun.

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

This week -- read something for fun!

I've noticed something when I ask people what they're reading: they often name some highly estimable, dense, serious book, and then confess that they've been reading it for months.

I pressed one friend to explain his reading habits. "I just don't have the time to read," he said.

"Well, your books sound a bit dry," I said. "Why don't you read something more enjoyable?"

"When I read, I want to learn something," he said virtuously. "I don't want to waste my time with something that's not worthwhile."

"But you watch a lot of trashy TV," I pointed out. I happened to know that he was a fan of reality TV. "You don't force yourself to watch nothing but documentaries when you're watching TV, why shouldn't you read something more fun?"

He didn't really answer me. But I think this exchange highlights a problem with the way a lot of people approach reading.

In general, reading is supposed to be fun! Go out and get hold of a book you want to read.

If you find yourself saying things like, "I really ought to read this," or "I'll be glad that I read this," or "This is an important book," maybe you don't really want to read that book.

Sometimes, of course, we all need to read books that we aren't particularly interested in — say, for work. I'm lucky in that way, because the way I choose my work subject is by asking myself, "What's a subject about which I'd like to read 500 books?" And then I read 500 books and write my own book on that subject. Now, not everyone call pull that off. And it's good to push yourself to read an ambitious book.

But along with the books I read for work, following my resolution to "Read better" and "Read at whim," I let myself read books just because I feel like it. I read a lot of children's literature (and I'm in three children's literature reading groups, so I have a reason to read even more). I re-read a lot of books — this weekend, I re-read Lytton Strachey's Queen Victoria. I read a lot of odd books that no one has ever heard of. I read a lot, generally. But if I try to make myself read something that I don't really feel like reading, my reading drops off considerably. I just don't find the time for it. But when I'm reading something good, I find the time.

Samuel Johnson observed, "A man should read whatever his immediate inclination prompts him to; though, to be sure, if a man has a science to learn, he must regularly and resolutely advance." He added, "What we read with inclination makes a much stronger impression. If we read without inclination, half the mind is employed in fixing the attention; so there is but one half to be employed on what we read."

Science backs this up. When researchers tried to figure out what helped third- and fourth-graders remember what they read, they found that the students' interest in the passage was far more important than the "readability" of the passage — thirty times more important.

When you have the right book, nothing is more fun than reading. So go to a bookstore or a library or online and get something you want to read. The test? You should feel like going straight home and sitting down to read it, immediately.

Don't judge yourself. Let yourself read what you want. Remember, it's supposed to be fun. And it is fun, nothing is more fun, if you're reading something you enjoy.

What was the last book you read, for fun? I just finished reading a interesting book about English follies (the garden buildings, not policy mistakes).

* An interesting time-lapse video about a year in Antarctica.

* More bookplates are arriving today! I'd run out, but should have more by this afternoon. If you'd like a free, personalized bookplate, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin.com. Don't forget to include your mailing address. And feel free to ask for as many as you like.

What Resolution Has Made the Biggest Difference in Your Happiness?

I have a question for you. On my book video (see below), I list many of my favorite resolutions. I'm planning to do a companion version of the video that instead lists other people's favorite resolutions, so I'd love to know what resolutions you've made, at some point during your life, that have made the biggest difference to you.

It can be anything from big to small -- from "Switch jobs" to "Make my bed." Which ones have given you the biggest boost in happiness? What happened as a consequence of following that resolution?

I love getting new ideas for my own resolutions, as well. Some of my favorites have come from other people -- Dig deep, for instance.

* I found a lot of great material on CafeMom.

* If you'd like to see a copy of my personal Resolution Chart, to see how it works, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Just write "chart" in the subject line.

6 Tips for Fighting Boredom.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: 6 tips for fighting boredom.

Samuel Johnson wrote, "It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery, and as much happiness as possible."

One "little thing" that can be a source of unhappiness is being stuck on an activity that's boring. Sitting in traffic. Doing laundry. Waiting in a doctor's office. Listening to your five-year-old tell the story of the dream she had last night.

The more you focus on your boredom, the more you amplify that feeling. Here are six tips to re-frame the moment; even if you can't escape a situation, by re-framing your emotions about it, you can transform it.

-- Put the word "meditation" after the activity that's boring you. (This is my invention.) If you're impatient while waiting for the bus, tell yourself you're doing "Bus waiting meditation." If you're standing in a slow line at the drugstore, you're doing "Waiting in line meditation." Just saying these words makes me feel very spiritual and high-minded and wise.

-– Dig in. As they say, if you can't get out of it, get into it. Diane Arbus wrote, "The Chinese have a theory that you pass through boredom into fascination and I think it's true." If something is boring for two minutes, do it for four minutes. If it's still boring, do it for eight minutes, then sixteen, and so on. Eventually you discover that it's not boring at all. If part of my research isn't interesting to me — like the Dardanelles campaign for Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill — I read a whole book about it, and then it becomes absorbing. The same principle holds when doing boring or irritating tasks, like washing dishes.

-- Take the perspective of a journalist or scientist. Really study what's around you. What are people wearing, what do the interiors of buildings look like, what noises do you hear? If you bring your analytical powers to bear, you can make almost anything interesting.

-- Find an area of refuge. Have a mental escape route planned. Think about something delightful or uplifting (not your to-do list!). Review photos of your kids on your phone (studies show that looking at photos of loved ones provides a big mood boost). Listen to an audiobook.

-- Look for a way to feel grateful. It's a lot better to be bored while waiting in a doctor's office than to be in an agony of suspense about your test results. It's more fun to sit around the breakfast table talking about dreams than to be away from home on a business trip. Maybe the other line at the drugstore is moving even more slowly. Etc.

-- Consider: "Am I the boring one?" La Rochefoucauld observed, "We always get bored with those whom we bore." I remind myself of this when I'm having a boring conversation with someone!

What strategies do you use to combat boredom?

* I was thrilled to be included as part of this fabulous company: This list of top 10 blogs by women might change your life.

* If you like this blog, check out the book, The Happiness Project. (Can't resist mentioning, it's a #1 New York Times bestseller.) You can...

--Read sample chapters.

-- Watch the one-minute book video.

-- Listen to a few chapters of the audiobook.

-- Order your copy.

Video: Stop Gossiping.

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- this months's theme is Friends, and last week's focus was Make three new friends. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week's resolution is to Stop gossiping.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

No more gossip.

6 dodges for pretending that you're not gossiping, when you really are.

Do you ever suffer from an uncontrollable urge to criticize someone?

If you're new, here's information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman's Day.

* On October 20, at 1:00 EDT, I'll be doing a webinar on This Emotional Life -- a conversation with Dr. Paula Bloom. For more info and to sign up, click here.

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:

-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, "Email me for new uploads." Or...

-- Go to your main drop-down box, click "Subscriptions," find the GretchenRubin channel, click "Edit Subscriptions," and check "Email me for new uploads" there.