Andrew Moore's Blog, page 78

Redwall Question

Why do rats gotta be the bad guys, huh? Just look at this picture of one. It looks so . . . ergh. Ugh. Never mind.

Notes on Cuisine

Porridge? More like snorridge!
Fillet? More like get away!
Stew? More like boo!
Ham? More like scam!
Onion? That sounds all right. Just have everybody eat an onion. Big feast scenes are so Redwall.

Durabilitypunk

What was the last fantasy or science fiction story you read in which people kept breaking their weapons? It should be easy to remember, because it's the best you ever read.

The Undercard Was Better

Window Wizard and Number Wizard faced each other across the green. Only a few spectators had dropped by even though the duel had been advertised pretty well.
"You have no chance, Number Wizard. My magic is too strong and big."
"So what? My magic is many and opaque."
The rivals made those and many other boasts. The crowd, if it could be called that, which it could not, but the duke insisted, grumbled.
"When are they going to fight?"
"They're Number Wizard and Window Wizard, so just putting out an estimate here, never."
"Why did the duke set this up, then?"
Meanwhile, at the ducal palace, its lord reviewed his resources. "Once numbers go out the window, I can challenge the king. Ha. Haha. Mwahahaha!" If only he had paid more attention to his studies, he would have known wizardry did not work the way he wanted. Stay in school, everyone, and those of you long out of it, keep on learning in your free time.
Finis

The Difference Between Boats and Ships

Ships are what people will say about your characters, and BOAT (Best of All Time) is what you wish they would say.

Addendum

For even more realism, carry it over to the sequel.

How to Increase the Realism of Your Story

An eight-page sequence of somebody trying to get a pebble out of his shoe. He isn't sure it's a pebble exactly, but it's annoying, whatever it is.

Addendum

Researchers testing a bookt that shocked readers who liked the wrong characters were themselves shocked to have all the test subjects die.

The Future of Literary Psychology

Books that analyze you and give you the ending you want automatically. None of this adventure-choosing messiness.

The Even More Future: Books that give you the ending you don't want.

Words You Should Use More Unless You've Used Them Once Corner

puncture
fractious
cascade