Andrew Moore's Blog, page 75

The Future of Fantasy

Now that people are fighting dragons with swords and spells as a regular feature of everyday life, what should fantasy be about? No, you don't have to look out your window. Simply join me in thinking about fantasy stories told by people in fantasy worlds. I bet they're absolutely filthy. Just the most depraved stuff you've ever heard. They also involve countries that are pretty clearly the fantasy countries of their world but the one the teller likes is far more powerful than it is in fantasy reality.

Addendum

You know, it was like Sacrifice or Pikmin but with monsters and demons, which just makes it Sacrifice again, but ignore that. Pikmin for adults, but only the ones who can stand that sort of British humor where people say, "It isn't exactly neighborly, is it?" when you turn their sheep into skeletal sheep minions because boy do those dudes think sheep are inherently funny and the rest of the world can't figure out why. Maybe it's an anti-Welsh thing.

Nintendo Direct

That sure was a lot of remakes. Super Mario RPG, Thousand Year Door, Overlord . . . Unicorn Overlord? Buhhhhhhh? *record scratch* *monocle popping noise*

You all remember Overlord, right?

Addendum

Unless it's one of those scifi series where mummy lords sit on the command thrones of pyramid-shaped space dreadnaughts that are so common today.

Publishing Advice

If you're going to infuse a few unlucky copies of your book with diabolical energies, try to make it a science fiction story so people really don't expect it.

The Perilous Vase

The doors opened, pushed by no visible hand. A bundle of tattered cloth and gray hair ambled in, surrounded by a cloud of chuckles. "Oh, you've done it now, you've really done it. Can't respect a man's property."
The baron hauled himself up to a straight-backed, respectful posture. "Be reasonable! I bade everyone stay away from your tower, but surely that doesn't mean ten miles away!"
"I'm not too good with distances, but curses though, and trouble, oh." The wizard gestured. A vase floated through the doors behind them and over the carpet to settle next to him. "Here, look carefully now, here, is the Perilous Vase. I won't tell you what happens if you put your arm in it. I'll hear it from my tower when you do, I promise you!" A terrible cloud surrounded the equally terrible doer of magic and dispersed, leaving nothing behind.
The baron stared at the vase, settling back in his seat while he did. "Does anyone feel compelled to put his arm in there?" The freemen and servants there all shook their heads. "Oh. Neither do I. Visitors, though . . ."
Hearing that, one of his sons ran to grab a lid from the kitchen and capped the vase. Today everything a yard from the uncanny tower is under cultivation, yet still the Perilous Vase waits for an arm, and the wizard waits too, tapping his foot in an oversized shoe.
Finis

Addendum

Some of you are going to jump straight to triple giants. How about some restraint? Come on. It won't mean as much until you lay the groundwork.

Supercharge Your Fantasy

What's bigger than giants? Giant giants, or as the elves name them, double giants. Your hero's going to have a tough time with one of those until they become friends after a humorous action sequence.

Blue Hair

That can look however you want. I'm getting on board this destruction of red hair train, and I'm never getting off.

Red Hair

It's tough. On the one hand, I want to support redheads as the entertainment industry tries to extirpate them from all fiction, and so I should change "annoying" to "fiery" in every reference to them. On the other hand, red hair never looks fiery. Never.