Elora Canne's Blog, page 6
November 10, 2022
Relationships and Resilience
Photo credit: Pat Backley
Pat’s memoir From There To Here (With An Awful Lot In Between) is sprinkled with her positive outlook and quotes to live by.
Here is one such quote that really stood out to me:
Whatever life throws at you, never give up. Just learn to adapt and change.
You’ll hear more of her passion and positivity shine through as you listen to our chat here: Relationships and Resilience
And if you have any questions for Pat, let’s hear them in the comments. She is a font of inspiration!You’ll find all of her books, both fiction and nonfiction on her website: Pat Backley - Author
Connect with Pat on the socials at the following links:
And I’ll leave you with one last quote from Pat that will inspire you to live the life you dream of:
Life can be tough, but try to keep smiling through the tears. When you get knocked down, get up and carry on…You never know what’s around the next corner.
Have a fabulous life 💗
Remember to subscribe for more relationship ideas that leave you happy and fulfilled.
November 3, 2022
30 Days Of Brave
I’ve discovered a new way of doing what I love.
Creativity streaks, or sprints, are the go!
Have you ever challenged yourself to a creativity streak?
Bam! Brave act right there.
Not brave as in heroically fight a bear, but brave as in step out of your comfort zone kind of brave, and not onto a bindi either— or maybe that is brave; kind of like a giant leap of faith but stepping into something risky. No I’m kidding, don’t go stepping onto any bindi’s or into any risks! But you know, sometimes you’ve got to take a chance on yourself— so let’s say calculated risks potentially.
Anyhoo, a creative streak is quite a commitment. So it depends, are you committed to your craft, your creative influence?
Because, without it, who would you be?
De’Andre BushI mean, your very personality is a creative streak: the way you wear your hair, the clothes you choose, your daily habits - they make up your creativity, your daily interests, AKA - You!
See? Creativity is anything that brings out your playfulness.
I feel like I’ve digressed here, but I have always advocated being you, your authentic self and that is your first creative palette when you wake up in the morning. Every. Single. Day! You wake up with a clean canvas; what creative flair will you adorn it with today? And for the next 30 days? A lifetime? We never stop being our own selves. Own it! Be you. Show the world who you are and rock it with unabashed playfulness.
Katrina WrightQ: What kind of creativity streak could you explore?
I would love to hear of your creative undertakings in the comments below.
Go on, unleash your playful creative flair; allow your intuition to guide you.
Darius BasharRemember to subscribe for more relationship ideas that leave you happy and fulfilled.
October 27, 2022
Ready to Smash 2023?
What if there’s no reason to change anything;
No reason to want things to be different.
What if there’s no reason to work towards a goal;
No reason for New Year’s resolutions.
Sound good?
My fur-niece, Topaz Binky, agrees!
What if you like— no, LOVE the way you are, exactly as you are.
There is no reason to buy into the hype.
ICYMI - There. Is. No reason to buy into the hype!
You get to shine as brightly as you are. Of course, I’m not advocating stagnation because
growth is the new humankind.
But you get to grow at your own pace. Not when the New Year tells you to.
So ditch the phony New Year’s resolutions, ditch the societal expectations and pressured-into goals. Find your own tendrils of new growth, unfurl deliciously slowly, leisurely, savoring the softness of life’s gentle awakening - all will come good, in your own time; in your own way.
Let’s cheer together: I AM ME IN 2023!
Not a new me, not a better me— ME exactly as I am.
If this stirred a feeling of triumph in you, drop a HELL YEAH in the comments!
See you in November 💃
If you want to know more about how I found my personal power, you’ll find it in my memoir:
EN ROUTE The Best Is Yet To Be
And if you’d love to know how we’re still rocking our marriage after almost 4 decades together, read our inspiring Date Year journal here:
Creating Sparks that Last eBook
Follow the fun on the socials:
October 20, 2022
“I” Before “U”
I’m delighted to introduce our guest blogger kayymorgan today, directly from her own platform: Are you there, Erma? It’s me, Sylvia.”
In her article below, kayymorgan captures the essence of self-care in relationships perfectly. Enjoy.
"ARE YOU THERE, ERMA? IT'S ME, SYLVIA."“I” BEFORE “U”
kayymorgan
Sylvia: Erma, how have you survived that mother of all relationships? You know. Marriage?
Erma: Oh Sylvia, that's a biggie. The question of all questions. Too early for wine or an old-fashioned, so put a fresh pot on.
As the cooler temperatures set in and the daylight hours grow shorter, Sylvia contemplates all the ways to bring possibilites for happiness to life. It seems a bit inconsistent though since autumn for many carries darker thoughts. Death and dormancy even for some. However, Sylvia, ever hopeful given the company she keeps and her best friend's soothsaying abilities (Erma predicts that everything works out as it should in the end), is thinking about what makes people tick this time of year, especially other women who appear wildly happy with themselves and almost annoyingly contented in their marriages. And for the purpose of this conversation, marriage according to Sylvia means a long-standing commitment between two grown people who have vowed to be true to one another in good times and bad, yada-yada-yada, and who lack the possibility of easy escape or abandonment. How does one survive, thrive, grow, bloom, and blossom - keep the soil tilled so to speak, during and even after years of marriage?
Of course, as Sylvia has learned at Erma's urging, a steaming cup of coffee and a daydream often help nourish the spirit and soothe the soul. On occasion, both even assist in maintaining a woman's self-esteem and satisfying her amply. Undoubtedly, the recollection of Sylvia's best cup of coffee which led to the conjuring of Cam's bulging biceps and hypnotic hazel eyes often serves Sylvia well. And as Erma has told Sylvia time and again, it's okay to wind your own clock to keep it ticking on and in your own time. Sylvia and most women, married and unmarried, need to know that lovers, partners, and spouses cannot keep time sufficiently for them if they haven't spent the time on themselves uncovering, discovering, and exploring that which makes their their toes curl and their skin glisten.
Erma (looking for a little nosh to accompany the freshly brewed dark roast): Sylvia, I have a really simple recipe that only took me more than forty years years of marriage and togetherness to create and follow. On the surface, it's pretty easy - to me anyway. You know, Sylvia, how you made me think about "to B or not to B" a while back? Well, I have my own alphabetical application that I use to keep the marriage and relationship ground alive. "I" before "U" always!
Sylvia (mug in hand as she hurries towards the carafe for a quick refill): Hold that thought, Erma. Something tells me I need to be sitting for this next piece of info. I've got a feeling I should even be taking notes.
Erma and Sylvia spend the next several hours discussing, sharing, and lamenting the lack of true and unbridled fulfilment in many relationships, but namely marriage. While Sylvia interjects her own tales of woe due to feeling less or smaller in her relationship, Erma repeats what she knows to be true after oh-so-many years of being committed to one person.
"Sylvia, there are only two ways to be fulfilled in this life. First, ask for what you want. Be clear. Crystal. Don't leave your happiness and satisfaction to chance, hoping that your friend, lover, spouse, or partner will pick up on your cues and read your mind. Be specific. Be direct. You want eggs for breakfast and you know that only eggs will satisfy you completely, then why are you settling for oatmeal? Don't be afraid to ask for eggs - and any way you want them! This leads to the second way to fulfilment, by the way, and I don't think it's coincidental. If you can't get your eggs over-easy just the way you like them, want them, and need them, make them yourself. Often the only way to get something or to accomplish what you want and desire is to do it yourself. Anything and everything. This doesn't mean you don't want the person to share the meal, but it means that you know how to shop for, prepare, and feed yourself if they are unwilling, incapable, or unavailable. So, Sylvia, to recap: Ask for what you want. And if you don't get what you want or don't feel like asking, do NOT settle.
Erma collects her mug, places it gingerly in the kitchen sink, and turns to her friend with one final utterance before heading out. "To recap, Syl, remember that 'I' always precedes 'u' in every way imaginable."
SHE'S SITTING HERE PRACTICING THE ALPHABET! *********************************
"Always putting others first creates deep resentment, destroys your happiness, and is unsustainable.
Putting yourself first allows you to meet your needs in the most skillful way. This, in turn, increases your happiness, joy, and capacity to love, so you can give freely and create healthy relationships.”– (Aziz Gazipura)
You’ll find more of Sylvia and Erma’s wisdom at the links below:
Facebook: overfiftyandfine - The Adventures of Sylvia and Erma
Instagram: K. Morgan - sylvia_erma
Personal Blog: Over Fifty and Fine
October 6, 2022
Master your Mind
Tiny Pivots is All it Takes
Whether you’re stuck in a dead-end career, relationship or life, YOU CAN CHANGE IT.
One tiny pivot at a time.
You don’t have to change job/relationship/life if you can’t or don’t want to but if you’re unhappy, you can easily change the dynamics one tiny pivot at a time.
• Have the awkward conversation with that difficult colleague or boss (Just don’t do it while you’re feeling emotional if there is anger involved).
• Set boundaries for yourself in your relationship, friendship, family - the world will adjust.
• Work towards a personal goal every single day in some small way; a sip of water instead of treats; 10 minutes of movement instead of being a coach potato; read/study/practice instead of scrolling social media.
You get the idea.
Remember to subscribe for more relationship ideas that leave you happy and fulfilled.Because one tiny pivot each day creates a life worth living.
September 29, 2022
Date Night Arguments and How to Prevent Them
Date Night Arguments and How to Prevent Them
It’s Date Night.
Finally!
The stars have aligned with your schedules, the sitter, the kids’ activities. You can finally spend some quality time with your spouse away from the house.
https://unsplash.com/@claybanksIt’s been ages since you spent any "alone time" together. You've missed your partner. In fact, you have longed for uninterrupted time when you can connect and feel close. Time when there is time and space to feel like you did at the beginning of the relationship.
Time together is what inspired the other parts of your joint life. You know that you need relaxed and enjoyable time together or you will lose the spark. You already feel too much like ships passing in the night. You need to break free from feeling like roommates.
You’ve been imagining the date all week. You’ve pictured having fun, connecting, and being affectionate. You are looking forward to being able to relax and focus on one another.
It’s what you have been looking forward to for days.
But then…
Everything goes wrong. It all started with one irritation that spiraled into an argument.One of you ran late.You imagined that you could be spontaneous in deciding what to do on your date.The kids, the sitter, the neighbor made it hard to get out of the house.You are distracted by work, the kids, a problem, THE PHONE.A thoughtless comment, a sigh.
Immediately, the anticipation drains away. In a single moment, your hopes go up in smoke.
https://unsplash.com/@alicekatThere are 3 ways a date can implode:
1. The Non-Starter Date
A Non-Starter Date blows up at the beginning. It never gets off the ground due to unexpected (or expected) problems. One of you runs late, feels sick, or is tired. You argue about what to do on your date.
2. The Mid-Date Bomb
A Mid-Date Bomb is when one of you says or does the wrong thing and it tanks the whole night. Or, one of you doesn’t say or do something that seems thoughtless or insensitive.
3. Date Night “Expectations”
Date Night Expectations come in two forms. In the first, one partner has ideas about how the date “should” go. When they don’t go as planned (or hoped), they feel disappointed and frustrated. Underlying this problem is the belief that your partner "should" know you well enough that they do the things that are important to you. Alternatively, Date Night Expectations link the date with physical intimacy. "We went out, so we are definitely having sex tonight." Nothing kills the mood as fast as believing you “owe” your partner sex for spending time with you.Next thing you know, both of you get irritated, angry, and feel more disconnected than before. You start arguing to protest the injustice. Which is just like all of the injustices that have ever happened in the past.
You wonder if you chose the wrong partner. Where is the lovable person who started this journey with you?
Chances are, you chose the right person. But your marriage is starving. You aren’t spending enough time together to feel close or to solve problems. When this happens to any marriage, the couple argues on their dates.
But there is hope. You don’t have to argue on your dates.
Tips to Defusing Arguments on Date NightPut some rules/expectations around the date. Decide ahead of time or at the beginning what you both want.Table some touchy topics for another time.Give your partner 3 strikes to be less than perfect.Redirect the conversation if it heads down a touchy subject.Decide where to go ahead of time.Take turns planning the date.Use Conversation Questions to spark discussion about new topics.Schedule a problem solving/planning session a few days before your date.Have a low-key backup plan ready to go in case one of you is tired.Go on a date regularly (weekly/monthly).Reminisce about the good times in the relationship.Dream about your future when you can spend more time together.Do some of the things you both enjoyed at the beginning of the relationship.Give your partner a way to win by telling them what you need.Choose one or two of the tips and try them out. It's worth the effort so you can get what you want from the time you spend together. If it doesn't work, you can come back to the list and try something else.
Your time together is precious and rare. Don't sacrifice it to Date Night Arguing. When you argue on a date, you sacrifice your time together. Instead, plan ahead so you can defuse arguments before they even begin.
And, if you go on a date, and it turns into an argument, remember that even the best relationships experience this.
Cheri Timko is a Couples Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist who supports couples as they break the patterns of bickering and disconnection so they can have a close and connected relationship. You can read more about improving the communication in your relationship here: https://www.cheritimko.com/f/blog/7-essential-tips-to-talk-so-your-partner-will-listen.
Cheri Timko is a frequent guest blogger on Creating Sparks That Last. Her knowledge of couples and relationships is extensive and her experience speaks for itself in the value of her content. You can find more of her helpful advice on the following links:
Instagram: Cheri Timko Relationship Coach
Facebook: Synergy Coaching with Cheri Timko
LinkedIn: Cheri Timko
Remember to subscribe for more relationship ideas that leave you happy and fulfilled.
September 1, 2022
How to Win at Life
https://unsplash.com/@fuujSeptember is a big month in the year for most of us.
And for many different reasons.
Some of us are heading into Spring, others into Autumn. Some of our children are starting their school year and still others are planning their end-of-school-year strategies. So, a BIG month all round.
And here’s the most productive way I have found to cope with it all:
Speak yourself up
To be clear, I’m not talking look in the mirror tell yourself how drop dead gorgeous you are (because you are anyway), no, I’m talking about that voice in your head that talks yourself down!
You know the one: Ugh this is the pits; I can’t do this; WTF - ENOUGH!
Time to flip the script: I CAN DO HARD THINGS; ONE MINUTE AT A TIME - LIKE LITERALLY - JUST ONE MINUTE AT A TIME; I’VE GOT THIS; MY LIFE ROCKS!
Doesn’t that feel so empowering!?
Okay, now it’s time to just show up, for yourself. Now is the time you get to look in the mirror and pep talk yourself with your best life-affirming mantra: I am enough! Strong enough, brave enough, lovable enough just as I am.
Out loud if you have, just speak yourself up, up, UP.
Have an awe-inspiring September beautiful people, and let me know how you’re speaking yourself up - what’s your go-to affirmation?
Join me on the socials where all the fun happens:
➩ Linktree
August 18, 2022
Defining Love: Transient or Permanent?
What Is Love?
'Writer seeks 'wife' for a year on a tropical island.'The other day I asked for you, the reader, to define love in one word. I got some thoughtful answers which I'll list below. But before I do that, I want you to ask yourself what love means to you, firstly as an individual and secondly in a partnership.
Years ago, when my marriage was still young, I read an autobiography by Lucy Irvine called Castaway (NOT the Tom Hanks movie). This was an intentional project to live on Tuin Island, an uninhabited island off the northernmost coast of Australia, for a year. It began with a male writer advertising for a female to live with him and test their mettle of survival on Tuin Island.
The catch, by Australian Officials standards, was that they had to be married in order to stay on the island. This did not please Lucy as G (as she calls him) expected more than just survival tactics from her. This caused deep introspection on both their parts, making for a delightful account of survival, travel and personal growth. Slowly, Lucy realised that she could change G's entire demeanour by giving him the one thing he wanted. In turn, he became most loving and warm towards her as opposed to his nasty words in the beginning. Lucy openly admits to not loving him and in an unfortunate twist of emotion, G had fallen in love with her from the beginning. Or was it simply suggestive of outcomes hoped for?
Love is so much more than physical touch. It is a deeply complex emotion and one that takes on many different forms in my opinion.
Let's have a discussion about the concept of love as an emotion - potentially as fleeting as the emotions of anger or happiness. Do you agree that love presents as an emotion? Is it possible for love to be replaced by other emotions just as anger and happiness are? Just as anger simmers into forgiveness or happiness settles into contentment, so too, could love morph into compassion.
I'm not saying this is a bad outcome, I believe it is very beneficial to a relationship, but what I'm trying to figure out is, can your love for someone change shape? Your ideas would help me identify feelings we have for our partners that expand our relationship into growth, rather than diminish it into stagnation.
Back to the notion of defining love in one word, here are some of the answers I received from readers:
* Understanding* Happiness* Compromise* Selfless* Self-love* Accepting* Sharing
Naturally there are as many interpretations as there are people on this earth and I would love to hear your opinion on defining the essence of love.
I look forward to reading your comments about this mysterious notion of love below, or join the discussion on the socials:
Come say hi over on - Instagram
Or find me on - Facebook
Remember to subscribe for more relationship ideas that leave you happy and fulfilled.
August 4, 2022
You've Changed
You are not the same person who your husband or wife married years ago. They are not the same person, either.
You committed to your partner without knowing who they would become. Especially if you were young.
It's part of the marriage package.
People change over the years. You are not the same person at 40 that you were at 20. Thankfully. Because that 20-year-old hadn't experienced enough life to know what was what. At 20, our brains haven't even fully developed.
You committed to your partner knowing that both of you would change. At least, you knew it in your head. If you think too hard about it, these agreements seem scary.
We calm these fears by telling ourselves a myth: Couples in Close and Connected Relationships Grow Together. Their Marriage Lasts Because They Feel In-Sync and are on the Same Page.
This simply isn't true.
You are busy. You have many obligations, projects, goals, and dreams. For long periods of your relationship, your partner is not the primary focus of your life. And they're not supposed to be. Your partner takes a backseat to career building, parenting, parental caregiving, and personal growth.
There's a lot to keep up with. Even when you share the same life, you will have different life experiences. Even when you live through the same events, you will experience them differently. This makes it more likely that you will feel disconnected and out-of-sync.
Your relationship can take it. It has an elasticity that lets you grow and experience new things in life.
The truth?
The work of a long-term relationship is to feel close and connected despite the reasons to feel disconnected and out-of-sync.
https://unsplash.com/@anestisloveSometimes you will feel disconnected, lonely, frustrated, disappointed, and hurt by your partner.
These are not signs that you married the wrong person. Instead, these feelings are reminders that you have some work to do so you feel close and connected again.
They are a yellow flag that tells you that you are moving too far in different directions. And now is the time to turn some of your focus back to the relationship.
The goal of a long-term relationship is not to grow in step with one another. It is to have rituals, tools, habits, and strategies that help you get to know your partner as they are right now. Understanding that both of you change over time.
You're supposed to grow as a person. It's ok that your partner isn't in lock step with your growth. In fact, most partners grow in response to their partner, not with their partner. They may resist growing as a person and only do it after intense frustration. Whether you grow willingly or fight it, you will grow.
Your personal growth does not threaten your relationship, if you bring your partner up to speed after you make changes.
So, how do you maintain a happy, connected, in-sync long term relationship?
Tips to Feel Close Through Personal Change:
I could give you a list of ways to stay connected with your partner. In fact, I have in other places. As have many other relationship coaches, counselors, and experts.
--> You Already Know How to Connect
It's the same way you always have in the past--talking, spending time together, working through problems, sharing inside jokes, achieving goals together.
The reason that you don't is because:
1. You don't prioritize working on your relationship.
-Or-
2. It feels awkward when you feel out of sync.
Having a close relationship happens because you work at it. You can't wait for it to happen naturally.
https://unsplash.com/@taisiia_shestopalYou can take the awkward out of feeling disconnected by making connecting activities part of your routine or a habit.
Practice habits to spend time together every day, talk regularly, be affectionate and intimate. Make it a regular part of your life so you can grow and stay connected.
Your personal growth does not need to threaten your long-term relationship. However, you can make that growth easier on the relationship.
P.S. If you go on a date, and you get into an argument, that's a sign that you are not spending enough time working through problems. If you don't want to argue on your date, work through problems at another time. But that's a topic for another day.
Cheri Timko is a Couples Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist who supports couples as they break the patterns of bickering and disconnection so they can have a close and connected relationship. You can access a free Relationship Habit guide at www.cheritimko.com/freeresourcepage
Remember to subscribe for more relationship ideas that leave you happy and fulfilled.
July 28, 2022
Self Care or Hustle
We’ve all been there. Caught in the scroll. One minute looking at an aesthetically pleasing post with icons depicting going for a bath, getting out in nature, and meditation. The next are posts on getting less sleep, waking up earlier, and working while other people party.
Self-care or hustle. Happy or successful. Going by social media, it seems you can’t possibly have both.
Interestingly self-care is often seen as the remedy to too much hustle and the inevitable burnout from working too hard, for too long, on too little sleep. Prompting the question: Are we practicing self-care for the right reasons?
It’s a blurry line. Do we need self-care as a result of how hard we are working or do we need it simply to feel good within ourselves?
In an ideal world, it would be the latter, we’d practice self-care because it feels good and it’s what we want to do. However, this is not an ideal world and we do not always get the option to do what feels good when we have a looming deadline, a job to go to, or a business to build.
The concept of work-life balance is a tricky one. We are heavily incentivized by working harder. If you’re an entrepreneur it’s your livelihood on the line, taking time out can lead to losing clients, not appearing consistent, and failing to attract new clients in pursuit of growth. If you’re employed your job is on the line, taking too many days off can result in disciplinary action, may look like you can’t handle your job, or take you out of the running for the next promotion.
With too many of us stressed and at the point of burnout before we start to take self-care seriously here are three top tips to maximize your self-care practice.
Remember self-care is a practice. This means that you have to do it more than once. When you feel like it and when you don’t. Often, we play ourselves at the bottom of the totem pole. Everyone else’s needs come first - sound familiar? If you’ve lived this way for a number of years, raising children or being the go-to person in your career then it will take time to build the skill of self-care and taking time for yourself.
And the next time you’re caught up in the scroll remember it’s not a case of one or the other, you can have both. In fact, you need both.
--
Rebecca Laidlaw
Confidence Coach and Business Wing Woman
Free Coaching Community:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/confidentconsistentcoaches
