Alanna L.P.'s Blog, page 15

Reflections on The Hierophant

From Where There is No Night Chapter 4: The 10 of Pentacles Download to read!

Magdalena Tarot Magazine’s card for the month of Libra is the Hierophant. Unexpectedly, it led me back into my Qabalah studies. Recently I picked up a book I put down for a while because it was too heavy to pick up when I broke my arm It’s called Tree of Souls. The author Howard Swartz calls the book a “collection of Jewish myths” and it includes stories from the seifer church yetzirah, the Zohar and Midrashim. My favorite part of Jewish mysticism is the psychedelic imagery and stories about angels that are excluded from Christianity (another can of worms).

Today I read a story that was a similar concept to the current chapter of Where There is No Night

that I had to do a double take. In the myth “Rabbi Lorw and the Angel of Death”. In this story Rabbi Lorw rips up a list of people the Angel of Death is targeting during the plague in an attempt to save them. A game of wits ensues and finally the Angel of Death wins by hiding in a rose the rabbi’s grandson offers him. The Rabbi takes the rose and dies to save his grandson.

I’d never read that story before, but I was surprised at how the idea is similar to my idea for the Tarot card for Chapter 4: The 10 of Pentacles with the idea of the rose in the illustration. It was a delightful coincidence.

Writing with intuitive inspiration from the collective consciousness always makes my the unfoldment of my spiritual evolution — an eternal and never ending quest to understand Divine mysteries.

Anyway, if you want to read more about my ideas on Kabbalah, Qabalah and Cabala read Magdalena Tarot Magazine Issue 5: #TheHierophant on Amazon Link in bio.

Where There is No Night T-shirt sample looks great!

This is my first t-shirt design for Where There is No Night and I’m really happy how it turned out! The card I used is the art from Chapter 4: 10 of Pentacles in which appears in Magdalena Tarot Magazine Issue 5: The Hierophant. I’m really happy with how this shirt turned out even though I need to redesign the back. I am in desperate need of someone who does lettering because I want cool cyberpunk graffiti letters for the back, not some lame font. I also need to get the logo vectorized because it left a line. But I’m excited for the first go with Where There is No Night merch! Keep an eye on Magdalena Tower to get this shirt or check out other Ripped Lace (my clothing brand) designs!

Magdalena Tarot Issue 5: The Hierophant Libra 2021

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When you think of the word “authority”, how does it make you feel? In this issue of Magdalena Tarot Magazine, we take a dive into the symbolism behind the Hierophant archetype. We discuss how the symbols uphold the “structure” and how to shake the foundation through overcoming duality. We also explore religious trauma and spiritual rules of consent. This issue also includes the Libra 2021Tarot Forecast and the next installment of Where There is No Night: The Last Moments before Dusk.

Break the rules and read this issue of Magdalena Tarot Magazine.

Did you like this issue? Subscribe to my newsletter for a free subscription of my magazine! You could also support us by purchasing this issue or back issues on Amazon!

Moving directly from Maiden to Crone: Mourning the Lost Mother Phase

We are triple beings, the seasons of life change like the earth changing garments. But for me, my rhythm is a little different. I have PCOS and opted out of finishing out my fertility cycle because chances are I can’t conceive anyway. My menstrual cycle was so bad that I had to stay home from work on the first days of my period and I became a danger to myself because of my raging hormones. I still have my uterus but my hormone treatment chemically ended my period. So my body doesn’t follow the moon any more. I went from maiden to crone. And although I adore being a young crone, I think it has wonderful advantages, I still wonder what that full moon phase, the phase of motherhood, is like.

I don’t know many other people who can relate to this, but I think about this every day. Most women my age who are childless don’t want kids. Everyone should do what is best for them.

But childfree is not the life I’ve chosen. I don’t want to be childfree. I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. And the fact that seems out of reach for me makes me sad. My years to safely have a child grow shorter and I mourn for the life I’ll never have as a mother.

I’m quickly approaching 40, so even meeting someone and falling in love and starting a family in your 40s is rare. The newly divorced don’t want kids and the single men who swore they would stay bachelors want younger women after their first brush with their mortality in their 40s. They still get the opportunities to be fathers. It doesn’t feel fair, but that’s the way things are.

So the prospect of becoming a mother doesn’t look good foe me … but even still, I want to believe in love. I want to also believe that if I end up an old maid, life will be good.

But there is something so fascinating to me about raising a child and growing as a family. I feel like I’m really missing out on something and worst of all with no one looking for serious relationships these days, I feel SOL. I’m tired of the rudeness and the games and the “bros before hos” attitude. I’ve always known there was a meanness about males in my generation since I was cursed by the boys in school telling me I’ll end up just as I am now — alone. I still hear their chants and it feels like a curse that came true. But then again, the compassionate side of me reminds myself that the Divine Masculine is in crisis and that is not my fault. Just bad timing.

Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who will want to adopt with me, but being a single mother isn’t something I want to try. There are many wonderful, strong single mothers out there but that doesn’t feel right for me. I need backup when I’m battling depression, like now, when we move into fall, a season that reminds me that death is everywhere and I spend a lot of time burying the corpses of dead dreams so they won’t hold me back when I get into my creative season, winter. I don’t have my cycle any more but I know my womb is dark and dead like winter.

I don’t feel like I should have to explain myself or ask people to forgive me for how I feel about my own life. The fact of the matter is, I will most likely never be a mother. I’ve been mourning this fact for 4 years subconsciously but now with 40 just a little over 2 years away, I feel like I royally fucked up somewhere to be childless and hopelessly single. That’s just not what I wanted for myself.

Most goddesses are fertility goddesses and although I love goddess lore, I can’t relate to the mother archetype because I have never had the opportunity to experience that role.

I think I miscarried once in Japan. But if it was that, it was so early that it was just a very strange period. I made up a story about my lost, half Japanese daughter. I named her Hanami 花見 (cherry blossom viewing. I called her Hana 花 flower for short) and asked her to come back. But she never did.

Once I thought my ex fiancé got me pregnant. He was so excited but I wasn’t ready. It was a false alarm in the end, but now I wish it wasn’t. The same ex and I talked about adopting a little girl too. We weren’t picky. We were open to whoever the universe sent us. We called our future daughter “beanpod” as a nickname as we called to her to come to us . We were preparing to start the search. But then our solid relationship ended abruptly and I’ve been on my own since then.

So of course I’m mourning because I have to move on from this critical disappointment. I’m getting too old to believe in childhood dreams of being the mom I wished I’d had … of building a supportive and loving nest for a family, something I feel I did not have and I want to experience that so badly.

so if my feelings are up and down between now and winter (which is cozy in a pleasant way), it’s this time of year.

But on the other hand I’ve moved into the crone phase so early … I love being a young crone as well. I rap under the name Yung Krone. I feel the wisdom that comes with releasing your cycle. I feel the calmness that comes with only knowing dark moon. I can see in the dark now and I can guide those who don’t have night vision. My womb is dark. Nothing can grow there. So death feels closer to me now. I feel that this is because I am meant to help those who are preparing to cross over and those who have crossed over but are lost or confused about finding their way. Many mentors and psychics have told me that my work as a crone is with the dead. And I have a knack for it although I dislike it. I feel called to perhaps become a grief counselor or a death dula. I’m only 2 years into my crone stage so I still have much to learn about the crone’s relationship with death. But I will grow into the roll. For now I have to grieve the sons and daughters I’ll never have.

So on this second day of fall, I mourn the summer sun and all the things I could have done.

The Blessings Mabon Brought

A sneak peek. I was showing the pen to Eve during an art lesson

Merry Mabon! Today was a day I took a much needed day to balance myself. Because I suffer from SAD (seasonal effectiveness disorder, I got hit with my first rodeo with the disorder and woke up feeling like I was getting a migraine.

I told my boss I needed a mental health day and thank god she understood. My manager told me to take care of myself so I spent all day listening to music and working on art, the best mental health care I know for myself.

I worked on the 10 of Pentacles card for Where There is No Night and it got REAL. I learned things about the plot, my characters and the meaning of the card itself that I didn’t even know.

But going forward, I think it will help my growing fan base understand why my heroine does the things she does. In the text, some beta readers and many editors who gave me a chance to rewrite the story for publication felt that was unclear so illustrating it through happy accidents takes my interest in developing this artwork further.

This card is magical but there’s a lot more than meets the eye going on in this picture.

I had some artistic breakthroughs too. My art teachers, Rae from Fire and Fang Studios and another friend who is a professional fashion designer, Eve, took me to school on learning how to create the glow effect.

I also slapped the image on a T-shirt and ordered a test to see if it’s something that I’d like to add to my fashion line Ripped Lace. Allegedly the t-shirt will be delivered to me by 10/01 so I’ll see how my art does. People usually like my t-shirts so if I can get people to wear my characters rock on

I have a lot of ideas that I think will help build the fan base I need to get attention. The possibilities keep unfolding and I really think this project has something good going for it.

Read Chapter 4 in Where There is No Night: The Last Moments before Dusk in Magdalena Tarot Magazine Issue 5: The Hierophant out soon!

Merry Mabon!

A couple of days ago I got the 6th card back from Snow, one of the two artists, for Where There is No Night. There were some parts that needed tweaking and we worked it out with an easy fix. I’m learning so much from this graphic novel project. I’m learning how to build a comic team, how to write comic script, how to work with artists and also be part of an artistic team. It’s pushing my skill as a visual artist and also as a manager. I’ve noticed that even in professional settings I speak with more authority than I did and I think that confidence boost I got from managing a team has really helped me accomplish more in my day job too. Thanks to my long time friend, Eve, for being my female creative professional mentor. I couldn not have made some of the big boss decisions I’ve made without her mentorship. I don’t think she knows how much I value her professional advice. She’s a professional in the art world, which is super hard

At this time in my life, nothing gives me more joy than storyboarding my graphic novel through creating Tarot cards with Fire and Fang Studios and Snow, my artist I accidentally outsourced from the Philippines (lololol. Look at how good of a business woman I am! Already outsourcing).It’s been really cool working with an all female staff to create a queer leaning, magical, Gnostic myth that discusses women’s issues and spiritual alchemy through fashion, action and occult symbolism. I’ve already made several fans upset with the themes discussed but the bottom line is, you can’t please everyone …

Getting over my ego has been a huge part of this process too.

I wanted the staff to look like this — female, international and ballsy. It took six years but I finally pulled together a creative team that is bringing my vision into the 2D and I hope some day to the 3D with a movie or TV show … but that’s every artists’ dream?

Just seeing the scenes I wrote come to life blows my mind. I think this is a dream for a lot of writers and even though this is all indie right now, I like what I’m seeing and the art seems to be doing well on my Pinterest. People also like watching me build inspiration boards who are following the story (according to my stats) and I’m playing with fun marketing ideas. I got the finished line work yesterday and it’s a beautiful one. I was really blown away by the skyline and the details in the garden. It captures the feeling of the wealth I’m trying to portray perfectly. Can’t wait to see what I can do with laying the color on.

The one thing people who follow my art have said to me that I find interesting is that my use of color is vibrant. That got me thinking about how we as humans perceive color. I wanted the story to be dark and gothic but it’s more like a shoujo anime in a really good way. It makes me wonder how some of the other really dark scenes will play at.

Then it’s on to starting to dream up the card for the next chapter. It makes me look forward to the darker half of the year when I do most of my writing because I think better at night. This is going to be a long haul project but although it’s a hell of a lot of work for me, I appreciate that I’m creating something I find beautiful to share with people in these dark times.

Mabon is coming

Finished this today and it made me think of my flutterby friend
(I missed a couple of spots. Oh well.)

Today I found an injured butterfly on the sidewalk. I picked it up and it was as a yellow one with blue accents. It was big as my hand! It just needed a boost because after a couple of tries it flew off my hand. It’s wings were tattered so it probably won’t survive much longer. Summer will be gone soon. It’s probably time for a lot of butterflies that don’t migrate to fade away too. But it was nice meeting a friendly butterfly while it was still here! So long friend!

As Mabon approaches I’m getting Magdalena Tarot Magazine Issue 5: The Hierophant Libra 2021 ready for publication! I’ll be posting updates as it comes together

For now, you can get caught up here by downloading Magdalena Tarot Magazine on Amazon on in my Etsy shop!

Last chance for a free download! Click on the picture to ...

Last chance for a free download! Click on the picture to download your copy today!

In this issue of Magdalena Tarot Magazine, we explore how to find balance between the masculine and feminine. The Emperor represents the full potential found in the idea of the healthy masculine. No matter what your gender identity is (or isn’t) if you are looking to get in touch of your masculine side, the archetype of the Emperor will teach you the ways of the peaceful warriors.

Magdalena Tarot Magazine Issue 5: The Emperor Virgo 2021 takes a look at how to honor the sacred masculine through the archetype of the Emperor, the Virgo Tarot Forecast, a look at the different branches of Kabbalah, the next installment of Where There is No Night, and more. The submission guidelines for the next issue Magdalena Tarot Magazine: The Hierophant due out when the Sun enters Libra are also included.

Free Download of Magdalena Tarot Magazine Issue 4: The Emperor Virgo 2021

How do I find balance between my masculine and feminine sides? The Emperor represents the full potential found in the idea of the healthy masculine. No matter what your gender identity is (or isn’t) if you are looking to get in touch of your masculine side, the archetype of the Emperor will teach you the ways of the peaceful warriors.

Magdalena Tarot Magazine Issue 5: The Emperor Virgo 2021 takes a look at how to honor the sacred masculine through the archetype of the Emperor, the Virgo Tarot Forecast, a look at the different branches of Kabbalah, the next installment of Where There is No Night, and more. The submission guidelines for the next issue Magdalena Tarot Magazine: The Hierophant due out when the Sun enters Libra are also included.

Go to here to purchase #MagdalenaTarotMagazine and catch up before the next installment of Where There is No Night comes out. And if you don’t have a kindle, there’s an app you can download to read my magazine on your phone!

The Lovers, the Star and Twin Flames

When a lot of people think of Twin Flames, they think wedding bells and forever romance and screaming “I love you!” at the top of your lungs from a mountain top.

And those thoughts aren’t wrong … they’re just one part of what having a Twin Flame relationship means for some people … but because my Twin is gay and I’m in a woman’s body, our experience is different (but not any easier).

This summer found me picking the knots out of my heart strings when My Twin and I took our relationship to a deeper level. It’s taken some adjusting to embracing the reality of having found my Twin Flame, especially because he has been right in front of me for half of my life.

It came as a shock because I never planned to stop running. I thought I could run forever and ever. I’d sworn I’d never speak to him again in 2020 and we ended up back in the old runner/chaser pattern. I became the runner that time and I was still running at the beginning of summer. But out of nowhere, a mutual friend passed away. So I stopped running, swallowed my pride and told My Twin what happened.

The conversation about our friend led to the opportunity to talk about our feelings for each other. My Twin said he was hurt because he didn’t understand why I cut him off. I told him it wasn’t because I don’t love him … but because I do. And I finally told him that I still love him, I’ve loved him for 20 years and I think we’re Twin Flames. The inexplicable intensity of our relationship made sense in that context, so we explored what this realization means to us. And we promised we’d never have another friend breakup.

But that revelation brought a surge of unexpected responsibility, downloads and feelings. We became attuned to each other’s vibration again and now all of a sudden, the future is changing so fast for both of us because we manifest whatever we dream when we’re in sync. We’ve been exploring what it means to know we incarnated together to take this path together and it’s just based on love. Whenever I feel how strong the spiritual love we have for each other, the brighter the future gets. And that can’t be a bad thing.

And so my Twin Flame journey continues…

After discovery and acceptance, my Twin and I took some space in July. He told me the whole thing was too much. I agreed. I was so mixed up about what day it was talking to him all night and sleeping during the day because he’s overseas. My body was on fire because I just wanted to be near him. Even when I slept I didn’t feel like I slept because I was becoming attuned to him. I was also aware that this will not be sexual. I repeated it over and over again because I want to respect him. Even though I’m non-binary, I’m in a woman’s body and his biology does my work that way. But we both acknowledged that we needed to see each other and see how things feel in person before we could figure out what we wanted to be. But it was frustrating because international travel isn’t possible for either of us or much of anyone right now. In my secret thoughts I wondered if I’d ever see him again because of how impossible the future feels sometimes.

All of this was disorienting and my mental health took a nose dive because of lack of sleep, the attunement and the influx of energy that came with reunion.

So we had a “break up” conversation. We spoke of other matters of the heart. He told me something that I waited 20 years to hear … but it broke my heart. I thought it would be the happiest day of my life when he told me what I’d known for so long. But it hurt because he told me for a dark reason.

So even though we entertained the fact of trying to be together for a short time over the summer, in the end, distance, bodies and COVID keeping us apart made it seem impossible that we’ll ever sit down face to face and just feel what it’s like to be next to each other again. Emotions were high on both ends by the time we shared our feelings so we cut it off, even though I kicked and screamed about it. I also got real with him about some things I considered red flags.

After that talk, he took off running. I didn’t chase him. I hate the runner and chaser game and having been the runner myself several times throughout the years, I let My Twin go because I needed to get my head on straight.

I gave myself time to process my feelings.

I focused on giving myself compassion and space to mourn and heal.

And when I finished having compassion for myself, I was ready to extend it to my Twin, but only from a distance. I started by letting go of a lot of old hurt that I gripped like a hot coal. It burnt but I refused to let it go even though all it did was hurt me. I got real with myself too and accept that I needed to get the fuck over some things that happened a long time ago. And I made a healthy choice: I let that anger go. That smoldering anger was the reason why I would always take off running.

I didn’t want to do that again.

I didn’t want another friend breakup.

So after meditating and reflecting on the past 2 decades, I realized that running again was the wrong approach. When I ran in the past, it only hurt him and made him miss me more. So I kept all lines of communication open. I figured I’d let My Twin figure out how close or far he wants to be away from me. And we’ll set the boundary then.

It was easier than I thought to let go of my anger once I convinced myself the feeling didn’t have a purpose.

I made an agreement with myself to act with compassion the next time My Twin and I spoke. And the magick that comes with forgiveness was seen in the signs.

Because then came the repeating 2s. Everywhere I looked there were 22s and 222s. I sensed my Twin was going to contact me. I also saw a lot of repeating 7s so taking the 2 together, I was aware a message was coming soon.

During the space, I dreamed about my Twin twice. The first time I dreamed I was giving him the third degree for how much he hurt me when he started running. He contacted me IRL and I sent him a snarky song because I wasn’t ready to talk.

The 2nd dream was our deceased friend called us to scolded us for being mean to each other … I scoffed at that one even though our deceased friend has made it known that she’s going to help us rebuild our friendship come hell or high water.

Sunday I went to convocation at the Rosicrucian Poranos. It was solemn occasion because we may disband. I was feeling sad about that but I came to know that I needed to be open to receiving a message. I left the poranos worried about the future of our Order in Colorado but amazed that again, sanctum brought a revelation. All I had to do was wait and remain open.

Monday My Twin got in touch. Instead of greeting him with anger, I greeted him like a dear friend because he is my dearest friend I have. I told him about my dream about our deceased friend scolding us and he said he had a similar one. I wasn’t surprised. We share Dreamtime from time to time.

The magic was still there when My Twin and I talked Monday evening. By then end of the conversation I felt our friendship was renewed but I also felt that giddy, riding on cloud 9 dazed feeling settling in. The depths of our connection is bottomless and it makes my heart drunk and my mind dizzy. I can’t help but feel like I’m falling into infinity when he’s near, even if it’s just on the phone. It’s been that ways since I was 16. When he’s near, it’s bliss … unless we’re at war … then it’s hell and I need him to stay as far away as possible.

Today I randomly remembered a shodo painting I did a long time ago. It hung in My Twin’s and mine living room in Japan over 10 years ago. It was 炎 – 2 radicals for fire when put together meaning “blaze”. When I found a picture of my painting I wanted to laugh. I had no idea what Twin Flames are back then and yet I painted this kanji and hung them over our couch. “Twin Flames? Right …” I laughed at the coincidence.

I work in a call center so I see numbers all day and it was 22 and 222 all over the place again. To the point that I couldn’t ignore it.

So I pulled out The Tarot 3D deck, (a holographic Tarot deck) and drew a card: the Lovers. The way the light hit the card, it made it look like Raphael had 2 heads — twin souls again.

That was proof enough to me some big news was coming. I wondered what deserved such a loud premonition.

I pulled more cards: The Lovers, The Star and Justice

Then I remembered I’d painted some other kanji and omg one of them was “Star” (星). How weird is that this Tarot reading was practically hanging on our wall??

Then the announcement I was waiting for arrived yesterday evening. My Twin messaged me and told me something that rocked my world and knocked the wind out of me. Everything is too up in the air to bet on anything right now. But IF this comes to pass, I think we’ll make better choices with how we treat each other. I feel scared and excited and I’m trying not to get my hopes up. But just look to the Star card. It’s the card of hope, and that’s not anything to sneeze at.

So whatever happens, I’m sure it will all unfold as it should and I’ll learn even more about love along the way.

I don’t know the future, it’s subject to change of course. But the things I’ve seen in my readings look dynamic in a good way. So I feel very 7 of Cups right now …

To the future …