Sue Parisher's Blog, page 5

Minimizing Triggers from My Domestic Violence Abuse

Triggers are Painful Memories I continue to be overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings that bring me back to my abusive past. Daily, I struggle to keep these domestic violence triggers of my past under control. I have learned that minimizing triggers from my domestic violence abuse lessens my anxiety and safety concerns.
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It seems unfair that my abuse was so horrendous that the memories are deeply ingrained in my head. After being removed from my abuser, I still experience anxiety attacks or overwhelming feeling of being unsafe coming out of nowhere. Deep in my subconscious, where I am or what I am doing strongly triggers a painful piece of my past. I feel like I am reliving the event again. My abuser isn’t around anymore, but my reaction to triggers makes me feel like I am reliving the event all over again. I hate that my abuser has the ability to continue to interfere and impact my ability to function.  I despise that fact that the memories of what he did and said to me are so ingrained in my mind that I am never completely away from his influences. All I want to do is move on with my life and get away from him. I am tired of my abuser’s ability to create havoc in my world. Two Types of Triggers After years of self-reflection, I have been able to break the triggers that impact me into two categories; those that bring me back to painful thoughts and those that bring me back to a painful, anxiety, and unsafe experience.

Triggers that bring me back to painful thoughts are frustrating because the thoughts have the ability to freely rattle around in my mind for hours at a time. For me, after I figure out what one of these triggers are, I can try my hardest to avoid them. Three examples of this type of trigger for me include:Songs on the radio: this is why I only listen to CD’sThe color of my abuser’s Alma mater: this is why I do not allow the color of my abuser’s Alma mater in my world at allGrocery stores, billboards, and driving routes: this is why I frequently change where I drive based on visual reminders of abusive situations

Triggers that bring me back to painful, unsafe situations are often challenging for me to identify. Most of the time I am not aware that something is going to bother me until it actually happens. These type of triggers often attack me when I least expect it. They attack me so overwhelmingly that I quickly lose control of the situation. The best I can do is either avoid these situations or control them as best as I can. Examples of how I manage this include:Staying away from large crowds and always sitting in an aisle seatAvoiding new surroundings and events unless I am with someone who understands my backgroundRefraining from attending movies and events that have the ability to stir up conflicting emotions
​ For the most part, the only reason I am able to live a semi-functioning life right now is because of the control I maintain in my world. To many people, it probably sounds too restrictive. But, for me, the planning I do minimizes the effects of my past being able to attack me. Of course, all the planning and strategizing that I do doesn’t completely keep my mind protected. But, I strongly believe it cuts down on the impact and randomness of what upsets me.

Blessings,
Sue

Taken Down By My Own Kryptonite

Kryptonite (ˈkriptəˌnīt), n.  something that can seriously weaken or harm a particular person
 
Anxiety is my kryptonite. I have struggled with it for years and fell victim to it again prior to the recent holidays.
 
I know the coping skills I must activate when my mind starts spinning out of control. I know the boundaries I am supposed to construct around me when people in my world start leaning in close with their opinionated, directive thoughts.
Anxiety After Domestic ViolenceBut I didn’t stop the anxiety cortisol rush fast enough during December and instead of being 100% here to enjoy the wonderful life I now have, my mood was often numbed by the overload of anxiety cortisol. It took me weeks of constant mental refocusing to get myself back to my normal thoughts.
 
I’d love to say my devotion time was dedicated to calming my head but, if I am to be completely honest, this is where I came up way short. Major sin.
 
By the end of the three weeks of struggling, I heard myself pray the following: “God, now that I have found Your calmness again, could you please give me a year off so I can stay in this place of calmness.”
 
Yup, I earnestly prayed for a year off of problems, stress, anxiety, bothersome people, financial concerns, and health issues within my family.  Honestly, I loved feeling back in His presence again and I thought giving up on the struggles we call life would allow me to stay in His calmness.
 
How selfish of me! All the wonderfully awesome things God has done for and within me and that’s my thanks in return?!?
 
I now have the following written in my prayer journal: God, please provide me the strength to:
- prioritize my day/hour/minute efforts towards Your calling of my life
- prioritize my personal health so I have the endurance to do what You are asking me to do
- strength to say no and yes appropriately in accordance with Your purpose of my life
 
In reflection, I feel my sinful prayer was coerced by Satan. His continuous effort to distract me from what God wants me to do got me good. Satan wants me to pout, withdraw, and refrain from living for a year. Why? For a variety of reasons, I am sure.
 
But, that’s what the cortisone overload from anxiety does to me. It numbs my senses, withdraws me from my One source of strength: God.
 
I am still praying the three bullet prayers above during my morning devotion time. Frankly, it may take a month or two of constant, daily reflection to redirect my inner thoughts. But to me, I can’t think of anything better to strengthen me against my kryptonite. God can only help me with my anxiety if I turn it over and give it to Him.
 
What kryptonite keeps you distant from God?
 
Blessings to all,
 
Sue

Sharing Children Visitation with Abuser during the Holidays

Sharing my children with my abuser during the holiday season is gut wrenching hard. As the weekend before Christmas approaches, once again I lose my children to join his family’s traditional Christmas weekend get together. Co-parenting with my Abusive Ex-husbandIt’s hard for me to argue to let me keep the children; it’s not like I have any family traditions to join in on. My entire adult life was focused on my abuser’s family’s traditions so going through our child custody arrangement during the divorce it never occurred to me that this weekend prior to Christmas needed to change. Painfully (and now reluctantly,) I gave the weekend prior to Christmas to my abuser to spend with the kids in the child custody agreement. 
I struggled a lot during the early years after the divorce with this bible verse: Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
How exactly does creating a peacemaking environment look like with my abuser during this holiday season? More importantly, how do I show my children what this verse means? I can’t just tell them, showing them is so much more valuable. 
And yet, what do I get in return for being nice and supportive during this holiday season? Expensive gifts to my children excitedly brought back to my place? Pieces of grandma’s cake that used to be my favorite dessert brought back to my refrigerator with my kids telling me how much I used to love this! Or my painfully favorite, gushing, over the top “I love you” Christmas cards from their dad and step-mom shoved deep into my children’s bags in such a way that I was bound to see them when I unpacked their bags. Ugh. Feels like daggers are continuously stabbing my heart. Looking back, how did I manage to get through those lonely weekends prior to Christmas knowing the Sunday night would be horrible as they returned to me in their tired state? I bit my tongue a lot. I prayed for the power of the Holy Spirit to supply me with the self-discipline I needed to respond calmly to my abuser’s ploy of using the kids or the weekend’s events to rile me up. I bit my tongue some more and reminded myself constantly that showing my children proper communication skills about their dad was more important than telling them (and showing them) something conflicting.
I prayed and internally screamed constantly for God’s guidance; for His words and actions to be what I represented to my children. I prayed for the strength to walk the walk God was asking me to do instead of reacting how my abuser wanted me to react. I cried a lot which helped release the built-up anxiety. 
I ate a lot of ice cream (which really doesn’t help long term but was a temporary filler).
And I boldly prayed for God to get me through the painful day. And you know what I remember the most years later?
God did get me through each of those days; eventually the painful day ended and God gave me a fresh start the next day. And then again, the next day.
God met me right where I was and never asked me to do no more than I could handle. He wrapped His loving arms around me and empowered me through the Holy Spirit.
When I reunite with my children this Sunday night, I will hug them tight and focus more on their confusion and pain than mine. As I hold back the harsh words, I will focus internally for the Holy Spirit to counter any lies my abuser sends back with the kids. I will push through my anxiety knowing it will be another year until I have to do this again.
God, please help me stay focused on the true meaning of this holiday season; and the needs of my young, confused kids. 
Blessings,
Sue

Painful Memories While Decorating For Christmas

I couldn’t even set up Christmas lights outside the house correctly. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, I continuously put the lights either to close together, not close enough, too high, too low, and always not fast enough even though my fingers were frozen. Of course, the knotted-up strains were always my fault for how lazy I was taking down the lights the year prior. Although tempting, walking away with a “you just do it then” clearly wasn’t an option. Instead, year after year I was heavily critiqued during what should have been a fun evening with the kids. Honestly, I would have been fine with my abuser just doing the outside decorating however he wanted. Yet, he didn’t seem to give me that option. I guess to him this was a once a year reminder ow how incompetent I was. My abuser knew how much I loved Christmas and during our last few years together he made sure he took every ounce of celebration away from me. I look back at his creativity:
Spending too much money shopping causing financial debt we couldn’t afford.
Although he had the fun role of shopping, I had the tedious task of wrapping all the gifts at night after the children were asleep.
Not helping me decorate inside; not helping me put the decorations away.
Blaring ESPN games versus any type of Christmas music or movies.
Not taking the kids out for them to get me a gift; blatantly showing them how worthless I was to him. The year he was stationed in Korea he didn’t even bother to send a card.
Divorced in May, I thought my first few holidays away from my abuser would be better. Yet, what I wasn’t anticipating was the wave of painful memories as I unpacked the decoration boxes. I’ll be the first to admit I have memory issues yet, I remember the background to every Christmas tree ornament or decoration for the house. 
Once again, my abuser was impacting my ability to function and he wasn’t even close by. But really, what was I supposed to do?  Throw away years of decorations?
Not decorate at all?
Decorate and hope memories don’t trigger me to bad?
I don’t know what the right answer is, but the first two Christmas’ I set up all the decorations. For some reason, I couldn’t let go. Maybe I was subconsciously punishing myself by surrounding myself with painful memories. Maybe I was believing the lie that I was a horrible decorator so I might as well just follow what I had been taught because I definitely couldn’t be creative enough to figure it out on my own. 
What I do know is it took until the third Christmas away from my abuser to start donating my decorations to a local charity and removing them from my attic. Talk about painful; in both the material world of losing my decorations but also the emotional side of knowing my abuser took one more thing away from me. ​ But, looking back, I had to let go. I had to give away anything that enabled my abuser to have power over me; even if the power was a painful memory. I couldn’t focus on the true meaning of the season if I was surrounding myself with unhealthy reminders of my past.
The following year, decorating seemed a lot easier. The grip from my abuser lessened even more. And, with the lessening of my abuser’s grip, the true meaning of the holiday season became my focus. 
What grip does your abuser have over you this holiday season? 

Triggers of Thanksgiving Day

For me, Thanksgiving Day is one big trigger after another. Although I am 12 years removed from my abuser, I know memories from my abusive Thanksgivings from the past will sneak into my mind to distract me. By the end of the day, so many painful memories will overrun my coping skills. I’ll end up emotionally drained and ready to end the day until next year. 
Why Thanksgiving Day? I believe one of the main reasons is because we usually spent it with my in-laws, which meant I had to fake being happy even more than normal.  The mask I wore during the abuse caused me so much internal conflict: 
Why couldn’t anyone see how he’s treating me? 
Why couldn’t someone speak up and insist he get his own plate of food versus yelling from the couch telling me what to bring him?
Didn’t it look awkward that he was the only male family member being served by his wife?
Additionally, the charming, so fatherly, so dad of the year nominee personality my abuser put on hurt me so bad. I remember the dad’s and little boys/cousins playing ball outside; the children laughing, soaking in the rare moments of their dad interaction with them other than watching television. Early on, it provided me hope that the great guy I married was coming back. Years later, it provided pain that the person I married wasn’t the person I thought he was. I can’t imagine the confusion this caused my children.
There are so many Thanksgiving Days, they roll into one memory at times. Take one piece from each Thanksgiving Day during a 20+ year abusive timeframe and it becomes a minimum of 20 painful triggers attacking me throughout the day. Often the years of triggers transcending on me become suffocating and inescapable. 
In the past, the greatest thing I am thankful for at the end of Thanksgiving is that I got through the day. Praying this year my coping skills will be stronger and more alert so I can more appreciative of the things I truly have to be thankful for. 

Celebrating my Birthday for the First Time (at 55 Years Old!)

Celebrating birthdays is one thing I struggle a lot with. This all changed yesterday. During the years I was married to my abuser, my birthdays were either insignificant or a source of tension. Twenty-one years of marriage and these are the two instances that define my birthday
The year I got yelled at terribly because I got home from work late and made him late for meeting up with the guys. Remembering the words almost 20 years later demonstrates how painful they were. The year my innocent 3-year-old bought me the ugliest, I mean truly ugly, sweatsuit from the low budget store in town. I can still picture the lime green top and bottom; and if that didn’t sting enough, my abuser insisted I wear it for multiple weekends to show our son how much I liked it. Picture an apple green Barney and you’ll see a picture of me. During the years of being a single mom, my kid’s birthdays tended to come with extra things to do, budget constraints, and my sheer exhaustion. Sometimes it was so hard to pull together the energy and money to be supportive especially since the value of celebrating a birthday had been stripped from me.
My current husband always made a big deal out of his children’s birthdays. His parents make a big deal out of all the children and grandchildren’s birthdays. So, by default, I started getting exposed to the idea of celebrating someone’s birthday. The events seemed like an excuse to gather, but the significance was always lost to me. 
Last night my three children and husband took me to Cracker Barrel for dinner to celebrate my birthday. This was after all my new-found Facebook friends I have met during the past few months wished me a happy birthday on Facebook. Additionally, people from work were calling or texting me Happy Birthday. What was going on?
The love I felt being with my children and husband made me start to cry. They were really in the moment just to show their love and support for everything that I had done for them and with them. We laughed, joked, and reminisced about some funny memories. 
My children and husband gathered around to celebrate me. Co-workers and friends valued my time with them. Overwhelming to say the least. 
As I was getting ready for bed, the quiet voice in my head reminded me that God loves me and that I am important to Him. The quiet voice reminded me that it is for His glory that I was born. I realized there was a reason to acknowledge the day I was born so many years ago. 
The best birthday gift of all? Stripping away my abuser’s power over me during all the remainder birthdays I have left. I look forward to celebrating in 364 days!! 

Beware of Enemy Attacks

This is one of the first blogs I ever published, and today we're revisiting it because the message still rings true in my life. The devil still tries to divert my attention- but every day I strive to listen to the word of the Lord. Overcoming Domestic Violence
​Two weeks ago I started this blog site to share my experience in overcoming domestic violence. Since then, the attacks against my family and me include:Within hours of activating this blog, I slid downstairs and fractured my heel boneThe water heater stopped workingA car hit my 4-year-old dog How to Heal- Overcoming Domestic Abuse As I sit here in the veterinarian emergency room, listening to plans for surgery for my dog and her overnight stays in an animal hospital, my determination strengthens. Call me determined before my blog site started to share and learn about the struggles when transitioning from domestic violence victim to survivor, well now I am REALLY, REALLY DETERMINED to continue this dialog.​
I am reminded though that this isn’t the first time that the devil has attacked me when I stood up for what I felt was right. Similar, but less dramatic, things also happened when I:Began developing a safety planStarted developing boundariesStarted planning my departure from my abuserStopped being co-dependentAttempted to think on my ownStarted making decisions on my own Beware of Enemy Attacks
Given that the devil’s main objective is to create distractions and take us off of our course, this kind of retaliation is probably what we should expect. I should expect resistance from the devil for attempting to do the right thing. It’s how my abuser would react; my abuser isn’t accepting of my personal growth, and neither is the negative force countering my attempt for me to transition to a domestic violence survivor. Later in my journey, I began to realize that these attacks are indications that I am doing the right thing and I should continue on my course; but early on, the attacks distracted me and took me off my plan almost immediately. Even last week, as I was waiting to see the doctor to see if I needed surgery, I contemplated on whether I should stop this blog. I thought long and hard about my motive and my heart.  It took me years to get stronger in my fight against these attacks and yet as they are occurring, I am as vulnerable as a beginner.Yes, years later I am stronger in my processing of these attacks. But no matter how mature I become in processing life’s events, I am not immune to the attacks. Stand up for what I think is right, and I will always face resistance. Initially, it was resistance from my abuser; now it’s resistance from my abuser’s sidekick, the devil himself. My gut says we continue with this blog site. The number of people who have visited this site in the past 13 days leads me to believe there are other people interested in keeping this discussion open.

... Through the journey the blog has taken me on over the last couple of years, I am so grateful that I made the decision to keep the blog going when all of these distractions tried to pull me away.

Whether you've just joined me, or you've been reading since the beginning- thank you for being here with me.

Blessings,
Sue

Unexpected Trigger

Last Wednesday was a horrible day. A situation was developing that sent my subconscious back to a memory from 13 years ago. Those of us with memory issues due to our trauma understand when I say often times I forget about things that happened yesterday; yet when this specific trigger set in, I could remember every single word of my abuser’s rant. I vividly remember the room, sounds, distance between where we stood. I remember how painful his words churned my stomach to the point of me leaning over the toilet to throw up. I looked down at my body to make sure it wasn’t shaking uncontrollably as it did that day. ​Back during the event, I knew my abuser’s accusations were ridiculous, but I also acknowledged his belief that what was angering him was really my fault.
Even though last Wednesday was emotionally ruined, I focused hard on pulling my coping strategies into practice so to minimize the number of days I was going to be saddened by this triggering memory.
Here are some steps I practiced:
I allowed myself time to remember the event. I didn’t push the thoughts aside; I calmly remembered them (my mood for the day was already gloom)
In remembering, I focused on my current surroundings; safer, brighter, away from my abuser. Knowing I am now physically safe chipped away at the power of the trigger. 
Reliving his 15-minute rant, I choose two specific phrases that stung the most. Just two; because if I combatted his stupidity by identifying the lies he was speaking, then two was enough for me to conclude (in my own mind) everything else he was saying was also not true. I allowed myself to only need a shadow of a doubt to press forward.
I took these two things my abuser was blaming on me and placed ownership where it actually belonged; with him. It wasn’t my fault such-n-such happened, and it wasn’t my fault such-n-such didn’t happen. It was my abuser’s fault, and I realized he was trying to blame me for things he wasn’t happy about. ​
After walking myself through these steps, I came to the realization that my abuser wasn’t blaming me because what he was ranting about was my fault; he was blaming me because he was too weak to acknowledge his weaknesses. 
I woke up on Thursday feeling much better. Yes, it was yuck that a trigger set in and got the best of me. But, by feeling the memory and processing it in a healthier manner, I was able to put the memory back yet in a safer, healthier place. By coincidence, the same medical procedure is occurring again today. Twice in one week! Yet today, I am not feeling triggered at all. My deliberate processing of the trigger worked! 
I totally realize the processing of our triggers is a lifelong challenge. I hope my situation provides hope that over time, the effects of our triggers can be minimized. 
Blessings to all, 

Sue
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Lie: I Deserve to be Punished

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This lie was so far back in my mind, buried so deep in the foundation of my thinking, that it had become a bedrock belief. When I sat there in the hospital with my three-year-old daughter receiving a bone marrow transplant, I couldn’t even put words to it. 
It was years before I could vocalize this lie. ​ “I deserve to be punished” was never a spoken thought. It was just inherent knowledge, like, “I am a human being.” Not the kind of thing you think about it, because it’s just so self-evident.
This cruel-seeming set of circumstances in the hospital confirmed this “truth” that was already integrated into my entire being.
I knew I deserved the bruises, the yelling, the constant correction, being treated like a child. Day after day, week after week, year after year. With every bad thing that happened, I knew I deserved to be punished.
As a teenager I had sinned terribly, and the guilt I carried cried out for punishment. I needed to be punished. Being abandoned in the hospital while I harbored this terrible secret of abuse—it must be one more punishment.
I knew. So, at some level it all made sense.
When the abuse increased threefold after our daughter’s cancer diagnosis, from awful to horrific, I hated it and feared it. But still.
I deserved it.
Through all the countless bruises, the rages, the fear, the endless punishments.
I deserved it. When Tom and I finally separated that didn’t mean my mindset instantly changed. Well-meaning friends and family told me to just ignore him (or in today’s terms, to block him). To them it seemed so easy, so straightforward.
They didn’t understand that I had been so brainwashed that I knew if I ignored him there would be another punishment.
And of course, I would deserve it.
Seeing truth clearly
After years of therapy and faith building, I am able to believe this powerful truth: through faith in Jesus Christ, God has forgiven me of my sins, so I can forgive myself too. I now realize that in God’s world, life doesn’t work in a karmic fashion, with evil always being punished in this life. Sometimes, people who have chosen evil get away with their wickedness. And sometimes people who love God suffer.
Suffering under abuse, or suffering from my daughter’s cancer, none of it was about a “deserving” punishment. God doesn’t work that way. Yes, many difficult circumstances have come into my life. (But He did answer my prayer to deliver my daughter from leukemia, and more than fifteen years later she is strong and healthy!) One thing I have learned in my faith path journey is that Jesus died for me, and when I trusted in Him for my salvation, He made me free. He has freed me from sin and freed me from the punishment for my sin.
Yes, God has allowed many difficult experiences in my life, but in every experience, He has wanted to help me and draw me to Himself, with love and patience.
As I have continued to grow in my faith and receive good counseling, I have been able to see it more and more clearly.
I could let go of the agonizing lie “I deserve it.”

(excerpt from Sue’s book, Rock Bottom and Faithless: Defeating the Lies of Domestic Abuse with God’s Truth available now on Amazon.)

This was one of the most damaging lies I convinced myself was true: I deserved the abuse due to sins from years ago. The most challenging problem with defeating the lies of my abuser was not knowing which thoughts in my head were mine or residual effects of emotional abuse.

Blessings,
​Sue
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Lie: I Can't Do What God is Asking Me to Do

My journey from domestic violence victim to survivor is filled with example after example of God leading me to take the next step towards being freed from the horrors of my past.  The examples are all different but my reaction is almost always the same. When God says it is time to start the next painful step of my recovery, my human mind doesn’t believe I am able. Hundreds of times over the past half dozen years I have emphatically told God: I can’t do what you are asking me to do. Some of the earlier times my cries included tears, whaling arms, total defiance, disbelief, and a position of nope, not going to do that. I remember incidences where I start making deals, adjusting His guidance to better suit my understanding of the situation, or like a pouty child being put in a time out, I just made every excuse in the book why I was right and God’s guidance was wrong.
 
Obviously, God knew me better than I knew myself. He knew when it was time to nudge me to take the next step in freeing myself from the abuse. What was holding me back was the painful lie: I can’t do what God is asking me to do. I couldn’t take the steps towards freeing myself from the bondage of my abuse mostly because I wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t deserve to be free. With such weak self-worth, I just didn’t believe I could do these challenging tasks.
 
It’s been about six years since I’ve honestly opened up about my abuse and started what I believe to be my transformation from victim to survivor. In these years, I have learned that:

If it is God’s will, He will open doors. For me, the doors He opened were opened by people, church sermons, and ever so slight whispers in my heart.God’s timeline is so much slower than my time line. Often God’s time line was so slow I thought it was nonexistent. Maybe God forgot? Maybe I misunderstood were questions early on that bounced around my thoughts. Yet, what I’ve learned is during those painfully long, quiet times God was working on other parts of my journey that I couldn’t see quite yet.I went down a lot of rabbit holes in my journey to do what the quiet voice was asking me to do. Sometimes I went left when I was supposed to go right. Often times my walk took me miles away from the task at hand; but, along the way I learned so much that I now realize the curves and twists in my journey were helpful and taught me what I needed in order to complete the task. While the detours caused me anxiety and despair, I was later able to see the value in them.If I took a wrong step, I didn’t have to be fearful that I missed the mark. God never abandoned me for taking a wrong step. If I got off course, He nudged me back onto His path and my steps continued. Knowing that He would guide me if I went astray took a lot of self-induced pressure off me worrying if I missed doing something. 
I can honestly say I am emotionally and spiritually stronger because I’ve tried to do what God has asked me to do. With year of practice and increased strength, God’s current requests for me to do something don’t set in an alarm of panic anymore. There are still things He asks me to do that I don’t particularly want to do, but my response is now encouraged with the inquisitive thoughts of I wonder what I will learn this time…
 
Blessings to all,
 
Sue