Sue Parisher's Blog, page 6

Lie: I Can't Ask for Help

When my daughter was three years old, she had to stay in the hospital for weeks. My mom stayed with the boys at the house two hours away from the hospital; my abuser stayed in a hotel room near the hospital. For over 30 days, I stayed in the hospital room with my daughter without a break.
One afternoon my daughter was running out of diapers so I called my abuser. It had been days since he had stopped by but maybe he’d bring his daughter some diapers? Boldly, I took a chance at calling him knowing full well his way of handling his daughters’ health situation was to drink and ignore us.
I can still feel the sting as I relive the obscenity-filled NO that came across through my cell phone. No, I am not driving over there (5 miles away) with diapers. His tone was so degrading. He ended with a stern “figure this out yourself” as he hung up the phone. 
Imagine my embarrassment as I had to ask one of my daughter’s nurses working 12-hour shifts to please pick up diapers for me prior to coming back for tomorrow’s shift.Faith and Domestic Violence - Asking for HelpDo It YourselfYears and years of my abuser telling me no; do it yourself; I am not going to help you; stop bothering me; and it’s all your fault so clean up your mess yourself left me convinced I needed to do everything on my own.
Asking for help will always be hard for me, yet...I am now twelve years removed from my abuser and asking for help still lingers as a challenge for me. 
Here is what I have learned:
First and foremost, I should always ask God for help. Isaiah 41:10 says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 
Second, God’s goal is for us to live in fellowship and companionship with others. 1 Corinthians 12:14 states “For the body is not one member, but many.” We are intended to be woven into a community that assists and supports each other; not individuals living on an island independently tackling all aspects of life on our own. 
Third, I learned that it is my abuser’s emotional abuse that is convincing me to live in isolation. Isolation is what my abuser wants; if I am isolated, I am less likely to question, realize I am being abused, and hold on to a greater feeling of helplessness. It is my abuser’s emotional abuse that taught me this lie; a lie that is so ingrained in my thought process that it took me years to identify as being false. 
Was it easy for me to switch my mental perspective and start asking others for assistance? Definitely not. It took me years and years of trial and error and I am still vulnerable to my abuser’s residual reminders in my head. But, I am taking baby steps forward and for that I am grateful. 
Please comment below any lies you are struggling with,
Blessings to all, 
Sue

Storm within My Mind

     As I sit in church Sunday after Sunday mornings, I often leave discouraged and jealous. Surrounded by a thousand perfectly dressed, smiling, loudly singing, and actively listening to the sermon people causes me to feel unworthy. Unloved. Not good enough for God.
     Over and over I ponder the same confusing thought: If God truly loved me, He surely wouldn’t have let the abuse get so bad, right? If He really loved me, then the horrors of the night my abuser held me in a chokehold with my feet dangling inches off the ground wouldn’t have happened, right? If God truly loved me, I wouldn’t be feeling so alone and isolated.Domestic Violence and Faith     Why couldn’t God be there for me? I was going to church, reading my bible, and enjoying quiet time praying every morning. Yet, I still wasn’t able to hold on to the belief that God was there for and with me.
What changed?
     Years of confusion and crying out to God finally brought me to this painful reality: the emotional abuse I endured for 20 years brainwashed me. The yelling and name ​calling brainwashed me so significantly that I believed my abuser’s lies as truths – truths I didn’t question or understand were lies.
Lies like:I am unlovableI am incompetentI am stupidI am uselessI am unable to function without my abuser telling me what and how to do things      Hundreds of counseling sessions finally brought me to this reality: these negative things I thought about myself were residue of my abuser’s abuse; not reflections of how God loves His children.
In my new series of blog posts, I am going to share how I started the process of being able to identify my abuser’s lies versus God’s truth. I will also share tools I used to assist me.
     What lies from your abuser are holding you hostage from receiving God’s truth and love?
     Please comment on any lies you are feeling held hostage by; chances are I was bond by a similar lie which I can share thoughts about.
Blessings to all,
Sue 

See also "Recovering from domestic violence" and "Abuse Recovery"

Coping Skills Not Working

Last week I left work at noon; barely able to get to the car without the waterfall of tears starting. The tears overtook me quickly. Looking back, I probably had less than two minutes from being into anxiety mode to full melt down mode.

The tears flowed and my body quivered as I drove myself home. I had been three years since my body gave into my PTSD so strongly. Curling up in the fetal position in my chair, it didn’t take me long to figure out what was happening. My coping skills weren’t working and my PTSD was once again controlling my reactions to my world.Abuse RecoverySuperwomen Mentality 
I didn’t survive the horrors of my past and years of being a single parent “just because”. No – the only way I got through those trying times was digging deep into my gut and being a superwoman. Personally, I believe we are all superwomen to live through what we’ve endured (but that is a different blog).
Eventually my tears slowed down, and I started to examine what was really going on. 

PTSD is a Part of Who I Am
It’s bad enough the years of happiness my abuser took away from me. Yet, I’ve approached my recovery with a cover of “no more”. No more will I be influenced by my abuser’s control.

What I haven’t come to terms with though is my PTSD. Can I finally come to terms with my new body part, my new friend, PTSD? Can I finally acknowledge that my PTSD wins – and accept the fact that we are lifetime buddies? NOTE: this is not the case for everyone; I have friends who are able to totally overcome their PTSD. 

I’ve decided that my PTSD doesn’t win because I am giving up. It wins because, in contrast, I have realized, embraced, acknowledged, and believed in my heart that nothing on this earth is going to allow it to go away. My brain endured trauma; and my brain isn’t letting go of the impact any time soon. My PTSD is not something my abuser did to me; instead it is how God put me back together again after the abuse thus allowing me to live again. 
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I can’t be open to God’s voice and emotions in my heart if my physical world is fighting this unseen, mostly unbelieved battle. Philippians 4:13 “I can do all this through him who give me strength”. 
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So, here’s my response to the people in my world:I can’t worry about how you don’t understand how my memory is impactedI can’t worry about how you think my anxiety is annoyingInstead of holding back my tears, I need to allow them to flow to release the painfulness of the situation

Here is what I am going to do:Stop pretending to be okay when my coping skills are being challenged like in crowds or anxious surroundingsEmbrace my physical and emotional health as a priority; take care of myself because it is okay for me to put myself first sometimesStop being so dependent on my mask and superwoman mentality; instead, allow myself to feel and be in the moment
Blessings to all, 
Sue 


See also "Recovering from domestic violence" and "Abuse Recovery"

Painful Holidays

Another 4th of July. Another painful weekend. For me, in addition to July 4th, I find Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday seasons painful. 

It's been 12 years since I separated from my abuser. It occurs to me that he's not bothered by the painful memories at all. Nope. Chances are if he does think about July 4th holidays that we were together, he probably remembers them as great times. It's truly shocking that the pain my abuser put me through can still impact my world so many years later.Long term impacts of domestic violence - painful memoriesI hate to admit defeat, but I think that is how I will handle this painful holiday. Here is another July 4th weekend and I am avoiding the world. I see too many firework vendors in parking lots if I drive anywhere. I see too many red, white, and blue outfits if I venture into the grocery store. It's hard to find anyone to call; the few people I would turn to are busy enjoying family gatherings. It's painful enough trying to fight off painful reminders of the past; it's also hard when envy overtakes me when I listen to other people's ability to enjoy this great weekend. 

During previous July 4th weekends I have kept busy by painting a room in my house or by working on a project in the yard. Some years, trying to spend the time doing something that improves my living space has been a productive way to counter the pain. Some years, like this year, I am remaining indoors and waiting for the weekend to end. Holiday Reminders are PainfulWhat I do know is that trying to enjoy the holiday is too painful. I can't possibly continue with traditions from when I was with my abuser for the benefit of the children. I tried that for a few years thinking that was the best thing for them - keep their world stable as possible. It was and remains too painful to try to give them that. 

It is discouraging to realize that I may never enjoy another July 4th weekend. As each year passes, I start accepting my limitations further. I am starting to embrace the fact that sometimes it is okay to do what is easiest for me to do. I have to listen and respect my triggers. Not respecting them often brings me anxiety. Learning how to work around them, including avoidance, may not bring me happiness but often spares me anxiety and pain. 

I believe it is okay to put plans in place to minimize my triggers. The less I open myself up to anxious situations, the better I feel. 

Blessings to All,

​Sue

Feeling God's Presence

My journey from domestic violence victim to survivor is in its twelfth year. I’ve made huge strides in my recovery over the past five years (aka nervous breakdown year), yet the anxiety within my head has never completely calmed down. But this past weekend, for one of the few times in my life, I felt totally connected to my world for a beautiful five minutes.

One of the goals in my recovery has always been to obtain the calmness and peace God offers to his children. Psalm 29:11: “The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.”
Faith and domestic violenceEach time I took a step towards completing a deliberate step in my recovery, I always measured the effectiveness of my actions against my feelings of God’s calmness. For example, when I was confused about painful bible verses, I meet weekly with a Christian counselor for a year. She did a wonderful job explaining and dismantling how I was misinterpreting painful bible verses. Although I felt better at the end of the year, I didn’t feel complete freedom from my confusion.

During one season, I was pretty sure establishing boundaries with my abuser was going to be the answer to my emotional turmoil. Establishing boundaries was painful, dangerous, and extremely hard since we both had custody of the children. Yet, this step didn’t cure all the anxiety my abuser seemed to cause me. My new boundaries made my world better, but the residue effects of the abuse remained lingering in my thoughts.

Self-help books were helpful as was years and years of counseling (although it only helped if I was being honest with my counselor).

Every time I completed the recovery task God placed on my heart, I kept moving forward yet often felt dismayed when I realized I hadn’t found the unconditional peace I was searching for.

Yesterday time stood still as I walked off the beach. I’ve been to this spot dozens of times over the past few years yet while walking to car, I stopped dead in my tracks. My eyes caught the most beautiful sand dunes with grass waving in the wind with the bluest of sky and rolling clouds behind.

I stood in awe. For the first time in a long time, I felt my mind and body connected together. Not only was I seeing, but I was feeling the breeze, hearing the ocean’s pounding and sea gulls squawking, and smelling the ocean water. Knowing I’ve seen this spot multiple times in my life initially scared me as I realized I had never experienced the view as I was at this moment.

In those moments, it all came together; the reason I have been fighting my fight towards recovery for the past 12 years. Those few minutes provided me with a calmness and ability to be in the moment I’ve rarely experienced. For these few moments, I was completely connected to my world in mind, body, and spirit. Previous to this experience, I knew God’s promise I was fighting for; on this day  I praised God for giving me the opportunity to be in His presence. Thank goodness, I hadn’t stopped fighting to regain control of my thoughts and God’s love.

I pray my experience motivates other women to fight Satan’s road blocks and spiritual warfare when he tells us God’s love isn’t available for victims like us. I could have believed this lie after each step I took in my recovery efforts. There were many times I felt frustrated, tired, and sure I was never going to feel God’s complete presence in my life.

God used sand dunes to show me that all my recovery efforts are making a difference. The dunes provided me with a peaceful five minutes of the most unbelievable calmness. This calmness confirmed what I had been and will continue to fight for.

Blessings to all,

Sue