Sue Parisher's Blog

Finding Hope in the Book of Proverbs

​     Sixteen years ago, during the election night of 2004, my abuser, three-year-old daughter, and I were staying at a hotel preparing for her upcoming bone marrow transplant. My abuser chose to go out drinking all night long and, due to his outrageous hangover, he failed to go to the hospital the next morning for our daughter’s pre-surgery for the transplant.
     Mind you, the bruises on my arm were fresh as it had only been four days since the beating.
     So, when Tommy told me he wasn’t coming with us to the hospital for the surgery for a double port to be implanted next to the single port that was already on our daughter’s chest, I was speechless. Dumbfounded. Angry beyond belief. But silent.
Finding faith after abuse     I’m sure many understand, it is hard to take a three-year-old to pre-op by yourself, especially one who doesn't have an immune system. You can’t go to the bathroom; you can’t get caffeine; you can’t leave the little one’s side for fear they will fall off the hospital bed.
     My daughter's 9:30 am operating time got taken by a higher priority patient. 
     Noon came and went, and we were still in the pre-op section. My three-year-old daughter was starving, confused, and crying.
     By 2:00 pm, I couldn't handle the situation anymore. Boldly, I took my crying daughter off the hospital bed and into the hallway; I figured her screaming cries might get someone's attention. ​     Returning to the hotel room around 6:00 pm, I was met with a barrage of obscenities questioning what had taken so long and how I should have been back hours ago. My choice was to listen to my abuser or focus on how three external ports taped on my three-year-old daughter’s chest was the saddest thing I had ever seen to date. Responding to my abuser was never an option.

      Years later, as I read the Book of Proverbs, this verse caught my attention:

"Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong!' Wait for the Lord, and He will avenge you." - Proverbs 20:22

     Clearly, there was no way I could ever hold my abuser accountable for what he did to me over all those years, but the thought of God holding him accountable sparked a glimmer of hope in my heart.
     This newfound hope was something I had never experienced before. Vulnerably scared, unprotected, and emotionally petrified, I read promises of hope throughout the Book of Proverbs. God’s word promised that in addition to holding my abuser accountable for what he did to me, He would:

Protect me - Proverbs 2:8 – “for He guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.”Take care of me - Proverbs 19:21 – “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”Support me - Proverbs 15:29 – “The Lord is far from the wicked, but He hears the prayer of the righteous.” 
     The comfort and peace I obtained from knowing God was walking with me through my transition from victim to survivor greatly enabled me to slowly start believing that moving on from my past was possible. Reflection     As tangible or intangible as hope may seem at any phase in life, in order to get some of it, we have to first establish what hope is and where it comes from. A common starting misconception  is that hope is something you just have by focusing on the positive in your life. Hope is something divine, given by God when you trust that he will care for you, support you, and protect you, just as the verses above describe.

     When we lean on those truths, God can grant us hope. Hope is also forward thinking in that it focuses on God's grace that is yet to come in our lives. That's where trust comes in.     We can kind of think of the relationship between by focusing on the truth, trust in God, and hope as an equation: Action + Action = Possibility

Or, Focusing on God's plan for your life (Reading the Word in earnest) + Trust in God about the future = A heart open to receiving hope.

     As I was vulnerable and unprotected in the aftermath of my abuse, the factor that changed was the introduction of trust in God, which opened my heart to hope. ​The more I read God's Word, the more I built a place in my heart for that hope to live.

We've been building up to this in our series, because we've established:
1. What truth is, where to find it, and how to soften our hearts to accept it
2. How to act on truth, and the role of prayer
3. Gaining wisdom from God's word
4. Protecting your heart by setting boundaries

     We now have the tools to establish that home for hope to live in our hearts because we know where to find God's truth, we know how to enact God's wisdom, we can place our burdens in God's hands via prayer, and establish a boundary around our heart so it is not tainted by the ways of the world, but instead there is a place for hope to live.

    When we take the actions that make room for God in our lives, God will be there to guide us. 

    The purpose of this series has not only been to share my own experiences and how the Book of Proverbs helped me tackle the lies of my abuser, but also to encourage others to act in God’s faith so that you can receive the same hope that delivered me from such a dark period in my own life. The darkness didn’t end when the abuse ended, but instead when I decided to battle the lies that were living on in my heart.

Blesssings,
​Sue
Defeating the Lies of My Abuser With The Book of ProverbsWeek 1Week 2Week 3Week 4 Trusting God at 3:00 AMI am so tired.
​
For the past two months, I’ve woken up around 3:00am every night; many nights I’d be thrilled if this was the only time I woke up. Often nights I’m up two or three times. 

As I wake up in the middle of the night, my head is racing with triggering thoughts. I get up, go to the bathroom, and dread looking at the time on the clock.   
As I climb back into bed, the cycle of self-doubt kicks in; I get nervous about not being able to fall back asleep which aggravates my thoughts...Keep Reading

Special Podcast Appearance: The Love Offering

I recently had the pleasure of joining Rachel Adams on The Love Offering podcast.

The Love Offering features stories of women who are living out their faith in love to God, others, and even to themselves.

My appearance on her show is for a special episode for Domestic Violence Awareness month.

From this episode: "​As a retired lieutenant colonel, I can personally attest that domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone, regardless of race, age, socioeconomic status, or education can fall victim to these horrors."
 The Love Offering Podcast
 Show notes courtesy of Rachel Adams:

Today is not an easy conversation, but a necessary one. October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. In the United States, one out of four women will experience severe intimate partner physical violence in their lifetime and nearly one in ten women in the United States will be raped by an intimate partner during her lifetime.

Sue Parisher is on the show today courageously sharing her story of domestic abuse to create awareness as well as provide resources for those who might be in abusive situations currently or still trying to heal from one in the past.

Join us as we discuss:Overcoming self-doubt and fearTransforming from domestic violence victim to survivor
Identifying and defeating the abuser’s lies
The role of God’s Word in her healingEstablishing boundaries
Holding onto hopeHow can we best love domestic violence victimsListen on Apple PodcastListen on Spotify

White Picket Fence Around My Heart

After separating from my abuser, the Book of Proverbs became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could fight the lies of my abuser with.  
 
     Seven years after I separated from my abuser, I had a nervous breakdown. The kind of nervous breakdown that brought me to my knees realizing that the way I was processing my abuse wasn’t working very well.
     I started counseling again (after a 4-year break) and almost immediately the counselor voiced concern that I was still communicating with my abuser. We talked about the anxious feelings I had when his name showed up on my phone, how the obscenities blasted my way if I didn’t answer the phone by the second ring, and how aggravated I was that at any moment, on any day, he could disrupt my world.
Boundaries: Reducing Anxiety from Abusive Relationship​My counselor’s response was so nonchalant: she told me to just ignore the calls; get a new phone number; block him. I looked at her in shock. In what world did she think I could do this? I had never said no to my abuser in over 20 years! The thought of establishing boundaries with him, even seven years out, seemed overwhelming and confusing. My counselor suggested I read When to Say Yes, How to Say No, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
     This book, which provides a precise explanation on boundaries and how to establish them, delivered revolutionary truth to me

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out.”
– D. Henry Cloud

    And the Book of Proverbs provided me with the strength to realize that God wants me to establish these boundaries and He wants me to lean on Him for guidance and support.
     Mind you, I am by no means advocating doing anything unsafe here; we all have to make our own decisions on when we are able to put up boundaries with our abusers and those in our worlds that trigger us.
     Yet, even though I was unable to control my abuser’s actions, setting boundaries was for me about establishing self-control over my actions, and most importantly, my reactions towards others’ words and actions.

     Below are some key verses on why boundaries are important highlighted in my Bible:

Proverbs 4:16 – “For they cannot rest until they do evil; they are robbed of sleep till they make someone stumble.”Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”Proverbs 10:30 – “The righteous will never be uprooted, but the wicked will not remain in the land.” 
     Clearly, I realize that saying I am going to establish boundaries and actually establishing boundaries are two totally separate things; but empowering these verses destroyed the lies from my abuser telling me there is no way I can ignore him. Over time, I was able to embrace God’s words saying it was okay for me to distance myself from my abuser.  ​
ReflectionIn the previous weeks in this series, we've been building up our ability to hear God's plan in our life, but sometimes it means tuning out of other people's plans for us.

In my case, this revolved around removing the voice of my abuser from the equation, but that's not the only possible source of conflict. Whether it's an overbearing friend who means well but is just too bossy, a parent who can't separate what they want for you from your own desires, or any other similar scenario, the people in our life often cross important boundaries if we're not carefully setting them.

While my abuser's intentions were sinister, often the intention of these external parties is good. And setting boundaries can come in many forms, whether it's saying no to an occasional commitment or something as bold and forthright as removing someone's access to your life.

Setting boundaries and determining what level of control you need over your life can be daunting, which is where God comes in. The foundation of all of these lessons from Proverbs is that God has a plan for your life, and where there are gaps in our understanding, we must lean on His word.

This week, as personal commitments and demands pop up in your life, reflect on whether or not those commitments are in line with God's will for you first, and whether they are good, healthy, and wise for you to take on. Do they align with your own desires?

Here's a short prayer for this week's focus. I invite you to say it every morning and know that you’re saying it along with a group of people who earnestly want to grow closer to God.

Father God, thank you for the blessing you have poured over my life, and thank you for constantly revealing your wisdom to me as I face decisions this week. Lord, please show me how to get closer to You and Your plan for my life as I consider new commitments and possibilities. You have blessed me with the ability to make my own choices and decisions, and to honor that gift, I promise to carefully exercise my free will over the circumstances in my life. Any circumstance that is too great for me to take on, I will lay at Your feet, for You are with me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

This week, I'll be praying for God to lend you His wisdom so that we can take on new challenges and fulfill his plan for our lives.

Blessings,
SueMore from Sue's Series, Defeating the Lies of My Abuser with the Book of Proverbs:Week 1Week 2Week 3 Storm Within My Mind​      As I sit in church Sunday after Sunday mornings, I often leave discouraged and jealous. Surrounded by a thousand perfectly dressed, smiling, loudly singing, and actively listening to the sermon people causes me to feel unworthy. Unloved. Not good enough for God.
  Over and over I ponder the same confusing thought: If God truly loved me, He surely wouldn’t have let the abuse get so bad, right? If He really loved me, then the horrors of the night my abuser held me in a chokehold with my feet dangling inches off the ground wouldn’t have happened, right? If God truly loved me, I wouldn’t be feeling so alone and isolated.Keep Reading

Validating the Feeling in My Gut

After separating from my abuser, the Book of Proverbs became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could fight the lies of my abuser with.  
 
In my blog last week, I shared the first thing I learned from reading the Book of Proverbs; transforming from a domestic violence victim to survivor was going to take action on my part. This transition wasn’t going to just “happen” because I wanted change to occur. Wanting wasn’t going to be good enough; doing something about my desire to change was required.
Prior to reading the Book of Proverbs, I used the funny feeling in my gut as my asthmas check. My anxiety seemed to be my barometer to emotionally stressful situations. The higher my anxiety (trigger), the more cautious I’d become. This worked well for a while, but it seemed to be cyclic; nothing really changed. I just became more aware of triggering situations. And the triggering situations continued to control my world.Transforming from domestic violence victim to survivorEmotional change started occurring when I realized that, in addition to the Book of Proverbs telling me to take action, God’s truth also provided me with a correct understanding of what to do. After so many years of emotional brainwashing, I truly had no idea where to find a correct understanding of what was right versus wrong. For over 20 years my emotions bounced between lies, deception, fear, and extreme doubt. I can honestly say I had no idea…

… how to generate a thought on my own… how to identify the lies in my mind… how to figure out what was truth versus what was betrayal 
I held tight to Proverbs 2:1-6 (NIV) which states “My son (daughter), if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, indeed if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand and fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”
 
The weighed down stress of trying to figure out what was truth was immediately lifted. I became so relieved; I wasn’t required to figure out right versus wrong myself! God’s truth provided me with the perimeters. Yes, I openly admitted I wasn’t actually generating a thought on my own yet. But I was okay with this knowing that following God’s guidelines was going to be so much healthier than the confusion that was currently bouncing around in my head.
 
I found confirmation that following God’s word would lead me to a healthier mental state of well being in many verses but especially in these:

Proverbs 2:12 “Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse.”Proverbs 4:1 “Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.” (not condemnation; disappointment; confusion; or embarrassment) 
It would be years later until I could actually start trusting my own thoughts, but in order to do this, I had to take the first step by grasping on to something powerful enough to stand up to my abuser’s lies.
ReflectionLast week, we took a deep look at prayer and action, now we’re taking a look at leaning on God’s wisdom.
 
As is clear in the passages we read this week, so long as we are actively seeking God’s truth through his word, we will always come away with wisdom.
 
Wisdom is not just information, it’s a method and mechanism for making good decisions in life. The truth we can find in the book of Proverbs give us guidelines to live by, so that rather than going through life guessing, we can use the wisdom God gives us.
 
This week, open up your Bible to the book of Proverbs, and see if you can find 3 instructions you can use as a guide for behavior. After all, harkening back to week one, the purpose of this book is “for gaining wisdom and instruction; for understanding words of insight; for receiving instruction in prudent behavior, doing what is right and just and fair…” (Proverbs 1:2-3.) 
 
Doing this regularly will help develop a habit that can help you not only make the best decisions daily, but when big, stressful situations arise, you’ll be more likely to reach for God’s word and lean on His understanding.  ​More from Sue's Series, Defeating the Lies of My Abuser with the Book of Proverbs:Week 1Week 2 Feeling God's PresenceMy journey from domestic violence victim to survivor is in its twelfth year. I’ve made huge strides in my recovery over the past five years (aka nervous breakdown year), yet the anxiety within my head has never completely calmed down. But this past weekend, for one of the few times in my life, I felt totally connected to my world for a beautiful five minutes.

One of the goals in my recovery has always been to obtain the calmness and peace God offers to his children. Psalm 29:11: “The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.”Keep Reading

Special Podcast Appearance: Ann Writes Inspiration

Last week I had the honor and pleasure of joining Ann Harrison on a special  interview as a part of her Inspirational Journey Presents series episode on Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Ann is a blind author who speaks from the heart on a wide variety of healing and inspiring topics and I encourage you to go and check out her blog, annwritesinspiration.com.

Though her primary message is not focused on domestic violence victims, she has been a victim of domestic emotional abuse, which she shares about during our discussion.
Inspirational Journeys Presents
Watch or listen to our interview below!About Ann Harrison I am a blind author whose blog posts, published books and stories come straight from my heart. I am the proud mother of a precious little girl named Sharen. She is the inspiration for many of my stories, especially the ones that feature children as characters in them.
I have found music to be a great source of healing throughout a rough and painful time in my life. For the past ten years as a writer, I have found, and still find, music as a source of inspiration to this day. In many of the various blog posts, I have written essays about music as it pertains to healing, everyday life, writing and much more, along with essays about winter, snow, and other reflections about my belief system.
Aside from essays about a variety of topics, I like to showcase my poetry and the show notes for various episodes of my Inspirational Journeys Podcast, which I also post on my YouTube channel.

Follow Ann on Facebook Here or on Twitter Here.Visit Ann's Blog Long-Term Effects of Domestic Violence​In January, I broke my heel bone slipping downstairs and landing on the garage floor. I had no idea this situation would reveal significant long-term effects of domestic violence.

Returning to work with a boot and knee scooter generated many comments from co-workers and acquaintances. I was shocked at how many sympathetic comments, and shared experiences, I received with this new injury. After a while, I almost started laughing at my inability to handle this new attention.Keep Reading

Prayers Require Action on My Part

After separating from my abuser, the Book of Proverbs became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could use to fight the lies of my abuser.  

I had no idea how to be a Christian, mother, daughter, or co-worker the years following my physical separation from my abuser. Twenty years of being told what to do, how to do it, and asked why I hadn’t completed the task correctly completely deprived any ability I had to think on my own. Although I was physically removed from the harmful living situation, emotionally I was so brainwashed that I was stripped of any ability to generate a thought without guidance.
Finding Faith after Abuse: Prayers Require ActionOne of the first things that jumped out at me when I started reading the Book of Proverbs was that in order for me to regain control of my thoughts and actions, I was going to need to take action. For me, my morning prayers started the process of connecting with God and His guidance. Yet, praying wasn’t enough to break the stronghold of lies manipulating my world.

​Realizing I needed to take action was great; but for someone who couldn’t think on her own, this became confusing until I found guidance within the Book of Proverbs. You see here, in these chapters and verses, I found the first nuggets of guidance from a higher power, a more loving, ethical, positive, and encouraging power telling me what to do as I was unable to navigate my world on my own. I learned that finding God’s wisdom required me to:

SeekFindListenWatchAnd act 
Scripture reinforced that finding God’s wisdom wasn’t a passive activity; just reading the Bible wasn’t going to change my mindset. In order for my thoughts to be changed, I had to actively capture them, take charge of them, and change them!
 
For example, Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) states “the beginning of wisdom is this: get wisdom. Though it will cost all you have, get understanding.” To me, the verb get tells me that I must actively seek in order to receive. Knowing God’s wisdom is obviously the first step; I can’t adjust my thought process until I know the truth to align it with. Knowing God’s truth was a critical key in my identifying the lies in my head. Although seemingly obvious now, in the early stages of my transformation, I had no idea which thoughts in my head were truths or lies!
 
The requirement for me to actively follow through on God’s word was reinforced to me in Proverbs 14:23 (NIV) “all hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” While meditating on this passage, I realized that following God’s guidance isn’t a picking and choosing of what verses I wanted to follow. I can’t just decide to follow this one passage of God’s guidance but chose to ignore a verse I consider harder to accomplish. If I was going to defeat the lies of my abuser, I was going to have to have a full-scale attack against them. All of them.
 
Changing my mindset required a lot of hard, disciplined work for which I leaned heavily on the strength of the Holy Spirit. I couldn’t fight the lies by myself!
ReflectionIn week one, we focused on God opening our hearts by reading His word. This week, we’re focused on the next two steps: prayer and action.
 
Prayer and meditation on Biblical readings aligns you with God’s vision for your life. Your heart, opened by reading the word, can now receive God’s strength and discipline to act on God’s calling.
 
The next step is to act on God’s calling. This is undoubtedly the hardest step for most, but using the strength and discipline granted to us by the power of prayer, we are empowered to carry the burdens we’re faced with in life. We use this strength to move the dial towards a better, more God centered life. We trust God to align His timing with our actions to bring us closer to Him.
 
Find a verse that challenges you and look for the verb. Reflect on God’s call to action on your life. Make note of a couple of small ways that you could bring yourself closer to God by acting on the verse this week.
 
Pray along with me: 
​ 
Lord, thank you for all the blessings you’ve placed over my life and your steady love that I can lean on whenever I doubt my path. Thank you for making your word clear to me in this verse, and for giving me the strength and discipline to pursue your path for my life. Thank you for opening doors in my life to help me grow in faith this week, whether in new challenges that you are preparing me to handle, or in blessings as a sign of your love. Lord, please bless my humble and earnest efforts to be more Christ-like as I pursue __(Tell God what you’ll be working on this week)__ In Jesus' name, Amen.
 
Once we can receive God’s strength, everything is possible. I’ll be praying for you every day this week to achieve your goals and for you to end the week closer to Him. Our community is tied together by the invisible strength of prayer so that we may all grow closer to God and His plan for our lives.
 
Blessings,

Sue Never Miss An Update​Never miss a new post, and receive verses directly to your inbox! Our mailing list is kept 100% confidential for the safety of our subscribers. #mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */Email Address Donate to Called to Peace Ministries for Domestic Violence Awareness MonthDonate

Defeating the Lies of My Abuser

Part 1 of 5 | The Book of ProverbsReality hurt when I experienced this truth: being away from my abuser didn’t make me a survivor; it made me a remote-controlled puppet still functioning under the control of my abuser’s emotional brainwashing. 

After separating from my abuser, I found a church and attended faithfully in person but not always in spirit. A problem developed as I felt like what the Pastor was saying didn’t match what I was hearing. The Pastor was discussing God’s grace and love yet as I was listening with my abuser’s brainwashing lies still controlling my thoughts, God’s love and grace seemed like something He offered to other people.  ​
Finding faith after abusePretty soon I found myself wondering HOW do I incorporate God’s truth into my confused thought process? HOW do I transform from the world of my abuser telling me what to do to a world of God’s guidance guiding me, instructing me how to live? Yes, there is lots of guidance on how important it is to read the Bible, but exactly HOW am I supposed to read something so cumbersome, ancient, foreign, and hard to understand?  

My prayers were answered during a Sunday service in May when the Pastor challenged the congregation to read the Book of Proverbs, one chapter a day, for three months straight. He challenged us to read the entire Book of Proverbs, 30 chapters broken down into one chapter a day, in June, July, and August that summer. 

This simple challenge ended up being life altering to me. The stress of wondering how to understand God’s word in such a huge Bible was minimized when I read in Proverbs 1:2-3 that the purpose of the Book of Proverbs was: “for gaining wisdom and instruction; for understanding words of insight; for receiving instruction in prudent behavior, doing what is right and just and fair.”  

This part of the Bible became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could fight the lies of my abuser with.  

There are four fundamental things I learned reading the Book of Proverbs that summer: 

First, the readings provided me with guidance from a higher power (more loving, ethical, and consistent power) telling me what to do as I was unable to figure out what to do on my own.  

Second, reading the Book of Proverbs introduced me to a correct understanding of what is right and wrong. Proverbs 2:1-6 states” My son (daughter), if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, indeed if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand and fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” 

Third, the Book of Proverbs provided me with strength to establish my boundaries.  

Finally, reading the Book of Proverbs proved me with hope during a time when I had nothing to hold on to. ​ReflectionAs a special part of this series, I've included some questions to reflect on. If you feel comfortable, feel free to leave a comment with your answers so that we can all enjoy a larger discussion! 

What verse(s) do you use as a foundation of truth? What verse(s) do turn to when you feel distant from God?

At the outset of my journey, I had a difficult time reconciling God's truth with my own thoughts and ways of doing things. This week, reflect on your thoughts and behaviors to see if they're aligning with God's plan. I'll be praying for God to reveal any new deviations in my life and to you wherever you are in your journey so that we can all grow closer to Him!

Blessings,
​Sue Never Miss An UpdateNever miss a new post, and receive verses directly to your inbox! Our mailing list is kept 100% confidential for the safety of our subscribers. #mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */Email Address Donate to Called to Peace Ministries for Domestic Violence Awareness MonthDonate

New Series for Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is almost here, and as many of you know, that's when Domestic Violence Awareness month kicks off!

In preparation for this season of awareness, I've linked many of my favorite resources and ways to give back down below, but most exciting of all, I'm starting a five part series on Defeating the Lies of My Abuser using the Book of Proverbs next week.

​We're going to be taking the lies that I had known to be true as an abused woman and pairing them up with God's truth. This is integral to the transition from victim to survivor, and will be perfect for anyone who has separated from their abuser, but can't seem to shake the falsehoods embedded into their daily behavior.
Overcoming lies of abuseWhy Proverbs?​When I took the first huge step of leaving my abuser, I didn't realize that it would be a "first step." The real battle began from there. Finding transportation so that I could earn money and support my kids, learning to coparent without letting my kids see the turmoil, and learning to trust God through the whole process.

While making ends meet was on the top of my mind, I still acted very much as a remote control puppet following the ingrained rules and regulations that I had absorbed during my twenty years of abuse. As many long term followers of my blog know, the mental transition came one summer with a three month challenge my church did. The challenge was to read the book of proverbs every day of the month for three months straight. 

This was God's way of showing me the life he had planned for me and my children, and it was my guide to defeating my abusers lies.

In this five part series, we're going to take the lies my abuser instilled in me eradicate them using God's truth. I truly believe there is something in Proverbs for everyone, and we all have doubts and lies that can be overcome using the Word of God. I invite you to join me as we examine the lies I defeated, and follow my method to discovering the thoughts that hold you back so that you can shine God's truth on them.Resources for VictimsIf you're not safe at home, you likely hardly have the emotional bandwidth to defeat lies. If you're anything like me on my way out of my abuser's household, figuring out how to get dinner on the table took up all of my time and energy.

For those looking for a safe place to go to, or for resources once you're out on your own, I strongly recommend the following:To begin the process of getting help, National Domestic Violence HotlineIf you need help in Eastern North Carolina, Called to Peace MinistriesIf you need help anywhere in the US, DomesticShelters.orgIf you're a female combat veteran and in need of resources, also check out Combat Female Veterans Families UnitedFor more, check out my Resources Page, which includes links to articles that I believe would be the most healing to newly separated survivors.Ways to Give BackCalled To Peace is doing a special fundraiser this month to help reach the 1 in 3 women who are affected by domestic abuser in their lifetime. This ministry is especially near and dear to my heart, as I've worked with Joy to help provide support to quite a few individuals, but they also train churches to better handle survivors. During my own journey, I found my own church lacked the resources to help me though they were the first place I turned. Providing churches with resources for survivors can have a ripple effect on women in need that is immeasurable.

They're working diligently to raise $40,000, and any amount you can share will help!

$25 provides a gift card for gas or groceries
$50 a month supports a survivor for a year
$100 pays for a trauma counseling session
$250 provides emergency crisis financial support
$500 provides 25 hours of training and support to churches

​Donate to the Called to Peace fundraiser here.

As always, if you've been waiting for the right time to purchase a copy of Rock Bottom and Faithless, 100% (often a bit more than 100%) of proceeds go to matching survivors with their transportation needs, whether it's a used vehicle that will help get them to and from work or if it's a set of tires for a survivor in a pinch.

You can read more about my book here, or head over to Amazon to purchase it here.

Blessings,
​Sue ​Finding Hope While Being Abused​It’s 9:30 am on a weekend morning and I’m already exhausted. My three children under the age of nine are all awake, fed, changed, teeth brushed and sitting quietly in the living room watching television. I quiver at the thought of them remaining quiet enough as their dad, my abuser, sleeps in the room above.Keep Reading

How My Mother Has Influenced My Life

With my daughter now in college, I decided to permanently clean out the bookshelf where she kept all her senior year papers and schoolwork. For so many years the kids have been piling up their work in this one spot; the “just in case I need it later” spot. But now that all of my children are out of the house, it’s time to reclaim those places and declutter! ​

ACT prep book; SAT prep book; math book with notebooks of homework; Spanish notes and research papers seemed to take up a lot of space. I am sure at one point the items connected to my daughter’s schoolwork, but as I was going through them, they seemed disjointed and clutter. I started picking up the pace as I thought trash can for everything.  
How domestic abuse affects victims and familiesThe florescent pink folder caught my attention. The cover sheet stopped my efforts completely. Here, within this innocent folder sitting amongst my daughter’s senior year of high school work, was a paper titled “How My Mother Has Influenced My Life”. As I opened the folder, I felt like I was reading someone’s diary; I knew I was invading into her privacy, but I had to know!
   
Within her paper, my daughter talks about how I influenced her through my relationship with God; she discusses how I lean on God and encourage my family to do the same. She also mentions that ugly stuff was brought into my world to get me to turn away from God. She goes on to say that I faced those challenges (I believe she is talking about my abuser) by leaning more on God. My daughter ends by commending me for taking my journey and using it to bring other women closer to God.  

Crying unconsolably, I realized that my daughter wrote a lot about my relationship with God more than I would have thought she was picking up on or noticing. 

In a two-page assignment, my eighteen-year-old daughter portrayed my journey over the past twelve years as bringing hope to others.  I believe that is exactly what God has positioned my writing to be used for; a vehicle of hope for those transitioning from victim to survivor.  ​
​My journey brings hope: My daughter wrote about how I was always there for her; not about how I messed up her life by not being able to take her on vacations or buy her things she wanted. 

​She wrote about how I never made a decision without thinking of her and her brothers first.  

My daughter wrote about how I showed her about God through my relationship with Him, not how I talked about God. 

My daughter didn’t express my being abused as a sign of weakness or failure, but instead wrote “God blessed my mom in so many ways…. But most of all showing her that she can take her past and use it to help others.”  

I doubted my parenting skills a lot while raising my children and yet, my daughter gave me accolades. 

Through the ups and downs of this journey, I’ve stressed and fussed about trying to be the best mom possible for my kids, but often my worries were in the wrong areas. My daughter wasn’t focused on my shortcomings at all, but instead on the love and faith that I was sharing with her. 

While I was focused on bringing hope to others, I modeled that behavior of overcoming and lifting others for my daughter without even realizing it. When you think they’re not paying attention, they’re still absorbing your attitudes. Stay steadfast on your walk with God; it’s the biggest favor you could ever do for your kids. 

To my single mom readers, you’ve got this! Although it may not feel like it as you read this blog post, someday it will all come together. And, when it does, I pray your journey will be fulfilling! 

Blessings to all,  

Sue   [image error] ​Trusting My Parenting AbilitiesYesterday I dropped my daughter off at a college located four hours away. After being extremely close for almost 19 years, it is time for me to see, from four hours away, where God is taking her next.
 
My daughter surprised me with a new water cup for my office (so now we have matching ones) and a special canvas picture she took over the summer. The effort she is putting into making sure I am okay with her leaving is priceless and means the world to me.Keep Reading

Trusting God at 3:00 AM

I am so tired.
​
For the past two months, I’ve woken up around 3:00am every night; many nights I’d be thrilled if this was the only time I woke up. Often nights I’m up two or three times. 

As I wake up in the middle of the night, my head is racing with triggering thoughts. I get up, go to the bathroom, and dread looking at the time on the clock.   
As I climb back into bed, the cycle of self-doubt kicks in; I get nervous about not being able to fall back asleep which aggravates my thoughts. Then I toss and turn, trying my hardest to redirect my thoughts to something not provoking.  ​

Of all the things my abuser took away from me, the ability to sleep often seems like the worst. As I have written about often, so many triggers in my world keep my cortisol levels on the brink of overfill. They are definitely too high for me to sleep comfortably.  
Domestic Violence and Faith: Trusting GodI now know so much about the factors that keep me keyed up. Sugar plays a significant role in my not being able to sleep. Stress, work, being tired, and not taking emotional breaks all contribute to my weariness. I am in a season of my life where I am emotionally beyond my physical capabilities. As I have written before, knowing all of this and prioritizing taking care of myself is a constant struggle for me.  

Hope for the end of this sleepless cycle is still alive. God has provided the battle ground for an all-out war for control of my thoughts 24 hours a day. It’s not a battle to be taken lightly; it’s a battle that is requiring self-control, trust, and belief that tonight might be the last night of struggling. What if tonight was the 7th time around Jericho?  

Turning to God at 3:00 am has been hard. It’s been hard for me to turn to Him when the triggering thought that woke me up is still circling around in my mind.  

In an attempt to switch things up, this morning I started asking God how He was. Maybe if I looked more outward versus inward it would help distract me? While I talk to God every day, perhaps this is a season where I need to quiet myself to hear His voice.  

​In an otherwise normal format for my blog, this is where I’d start mentioning helpful things I do to get me through the topic being discussed. But today, I am not going to do that. A simple Google search can give readers ideas for getting a better night’s sleep. 

Instead, I officially:   Denounce Satan’s lie that I’m the only person still being affected by abuse that ended over thirteen years ago  Rebuke Satan’s lie that I’ll never be able to sleep on my own again Publicly proclaim my discernment in hearing God’s voice at 3:00am; boldly pray for me to feel God’s presence as I struggle to remove the anguishing thoughts playing so loudly in my mind Publicly profess my belief that this too shall pass; eventually God will give me the tools to sleep throughout the night again I trust God is using this season of tiredness to continue to grow, and that the more I can quiet my mind, the more I will be able to hear His plan for my life. Both in the short and long term.  

With God’s strength, I am putting Satan and his lies on notice, so that I can have a clear mind whenever God wants to speak to me. Even if God is waking me up at 3:00 am to do so. 

Sending blessings and hope,
Sue

Feeling God's PresenceMy journey from domestic violence victim to survivor is in its twelfth year. I’ve made huge strides in my recovery over the past five years (aka nervous breakdown year), yet the anxiety within my head has never completely calmed down. But this past weekend, for one of the few times in my life, I felt totally connected to my world for a beautiful five minutes.
One of the goals in my recovery has always been to obtain the calmness and peace God offers to his children. Psalm 29:11: “The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.”
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