Emje McCarty's Blog, page 6

whoa…what the–

Daily writing promptWhat’s the first impression you want to give people?View all responses

i’ve been fine with being a freak
i talk to myself in grocery stores
sometimes dancing to the music
in my head
or over the speakers
i really don’t care
what you think of me
i was ostracized at such a young age
it became what i expected
& i was free!
free to be who i wanted
or free
not to think about it at all
my hair is a mess
i did not look in a mirror this morning
i dress in clothes that “feel” good
not necessary looking good
but really–who is the judge of that?
see,
you’re either going to like me
or not
why the fuck should i care?

check out my zine site

KODAK Digital Still Camera

i could have titled this, check out my twat & gotten a lot more hits…but i’m not sure i am ready to resort to that just yet.
soon, i’m sure.
oh! if there are issues with viewing the posts, please let me know. i’m keeping it simple, but there still may be kinks.
kinks
twat
maybe after 54 years of trying to be good (& usually failing) i should just embrace my mind being constantly in some gutter….

dr. no

Daily writing promptWhat book are you reading right now?View all responses

by percival everett, my newest favorite author
the book is about nothing
seriously
nothing as a concept
& as a reality
as i struggle with feeling like something
in my own life
it is an outer body experience
to read a book about
nothing.

my virginity

Daily writing promptWhat’s the coolest thing you’ve ever found (and kept)?View all responses

or apparently not.
according to a quick google search it either takes 7 years for a “virginity” to return…or never
since once that hymen is broken, it is broken for good
much to my dismay
one cannot kintsugi one’s hymen.
am i a virtual virgin?
it has only been four years since i last got laid
but it feels like forever.
in all honesty, i really don’t plan on keeping it this time
any more than i did the first time
however,
seemingly
fate has other plans for me….

what do you mean you don’t know what a zine is?

KODAK Digital Still Camera

in 1998 i was going to write a zine
i had left the husband i had known for barely a month & needed something to fill my time
i was going to call the zine “twat” & have a picture of a trout on the cover.
it made sense to me
so i started working on a comic for the zine (confusion perfume) & never got any further.
now it is like what? 27 years later? that long?
i’m making a zine. twat.
you heard me.
twat.
the punk rock views & attitudes of one lovely twat.
(me)
stay tuned.

that time i started a serial memoir

KODAK Digital Still Camera

i’m not sure what i started these memoirs for. i mean, i was kinda a little bit drunk when i wrote the first one.
but now, as i fight invisibility, i think maybe it was one of my selves inside wanting to be seen. i often write about myself, but i avoid certain topics for fear of being vulnerable & /or sobering up & realizing i exposed myself.
but really…part of me wants to be exposed.
part of me wants attention.
& then part of me is terrified of attention.
when i was a kid, there was no good attention…attention was often physically or emotionally painful.
or at least that’s how i remember it.
(i actually do remember once overhearing my parents talking about me in their bedroom, saying nice things about me behind closed doors. things that they never actually said to me….)
so these memoirs i’m doing are my way of putting myself out there seeing if i can get some of the attention i have longed for but have also been avoiding for most of my life.
i spent some time today digging through the trunk full of my journals & photos, etc. looking for photos of me to use in these memoirs

KODAK Digital Still Camera

& i started a “that time my heart was a skipping stone” to be done in four installations.
i hope y’all are enjoying reading them as much as i am enjoying writing them.
i guess you will be seeing more of me.

ps. i am re-posting stuff from here over on medium in my battle against invisibility

i am powerful

i was reading the hoodwitch’s the balance of magic
(as i write this, hole sings, “you should learn to say no” on my spotify mix)
the hoodwitch writes about the necessity of the darker side. of using hexes and destructive magic (vs. constructive magic). that everything is not always light–there is a full spectrum of magic. sometimes you have to be mean. to stand up for yourself. to destroy so you can build anew.
i have been letting my ex-husband crash at my place as he is on purpose homeless but still wants to visit his children. it was just supposed to be a through september thing…but now it is november.
he is very good at manipulating me.
i have been angry for a few months now–taking it out on everyone but him…and pretending i don’t know why i’m so pissed off.
i am pissed off.
i am being treated like a doormat.
when i told him “no more” he texted me telling me i don’t know how trapped he feels
i texted him back saying, “don’t talk to me about feeling trapped….”
i was trapped. for years. unable to leave him because i could not afford to. trapped now as he manipulates me into helping him.
trapped.
but not anymore. as i purged my yard of weeds, i imagined i was purging my life of him.
gonna hex the fuck outta that (literal) motherfucker.

ps. i thought more about the energy reader experience. usually i can tell when i’m being conned. i could not get a read on her, but i think it was because i was resisting her. she was telling me things i wasn’t sure i was ready to hear.
i will have to slow myself down & listen.

the above image is an inked self-portrait from my book the invisible exhibitionist.

i love everybody especially me

KODAK Digital Still Camera

i will keep you safe
i will listen
you matter to me
i will take care of you
you can open up again
open
i am here
i love you
(follow your song out of the darkness)

i wrote this to myself. it felt really good to write it.
i went to an energy reader yesterday. i don’t know if she knew what she was doing…i couldn’t get a good read on that because my defenses were just up up up.
but i did make myself listen anyway.
& i think a lot of it made sense.
so while journaling about it today i wrote the above in my journal.
& that felt good even though the rest of my day…week…has been crap.
xo.

that time i married someone i’d known for six weeks

i had a theory that if i just met someone who didn’t annoy me, i could make it work.
also, at this time in my life, everything was feeling kind of pointless & i was all, “i could kill myself…or i could get married….”
pretty much sums up how i still feel about marriage, one step ahead of suicide.
anyhoo.
it was 1998. i had left kentucky in a rush to escape a nightmare redneck boyfriend from hell & had moved back to illinois to stay with my folks thinking i could save up & go back to school. but my folks stayed true to their psychotic nature, & i left again. while in illinois i hooked up with a punk rock drummer i had dated years before, & i seriously thought about staying in illinois for him…but then got mad at me & said, “it takes two to tango,” when i wouldn’t go down on him & that pretty much was all the fuel i needed to go back to kentucky.
i returned to kentucky, once again crashing with my sister & her husband, but they were getting ready to move to galveston, texas–so i was like, guess i’m going to galveston.
but first! dale watson was playing at lynagh’s again & i hadn’t seen him in awhile. so i went out to the show.
at the show, i saw this guy who i always pretended was my secret admirer. apparently he was drunk enough to approach me, and i was drunk enough to give him my phone number.
we started dating, and he was falling in love with me, but then i told him i was about to move to galveston.
he responded with telling me that you can elope in tennessee, like vegas, you can get a license & tie the knot all at once.
i said, “i don’t see a ring.”
to my amazement, he went out & bought a ring. of course it didn’t fit my man hands & was a diamond (which i hate.) but he bought me a ring.
at this point in my life, i had had two fiances & a few other guys propose to me, but no one had followed through with a ring AND a plan for a wedding. sure, dollywood, but a wedding nonetheless.
so i drove to gatlinburg, tennessee with him one day, & we got married on a mountain by a justice of the peace.

ps. this guy turned out to also be a punk rock drummer. small world.

invisible me III

KODAK Digital Still Camera

healing through comics. you betcha.
originally, i left it blank where “i” would be. but then i thought an outline would look cool.
& i do like the way it turned out.

so i keep doing the work on losing my invisibility
letting go of something that is so raveled up in who i am.
being invisible kept me safe. but also, i used invisibility to help myself feel better too. when my mother couldn’t be bothered with me, i decided not to dignify her neglect by being loud & demanding like my sister (more power to her!)
instead, i became even more quiet. more invisible. if they weren’t going to bother to notice me, i would disappear.
little monster me…if i could not inspire love….
sigh.
so i am working on rewiring all that programming. it might take awhile. in fact, it probably should take awhile. i don’t want to get whiplash…or freak out & run back to the safety of my shadow life.
baby steps….