Emje McCarty's Blog, page 8

pirates in disguise

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pirates in disguise

“they’re made from recycled money,” says the woman
handing out pencils at the bank.
“recycled money,” i repeat.
“that’s cool,” i tell him.
“noooo,” he insists. “recycled bunnies.
she said ‘bunnies,’
‘cause the bones are hard like pencils.”

when it is bedtime he tells me he wants to eat a chicken
boil off the feathers and eat it.
i remind him that he has eaten a chicken.
“oh,” he says. “i mean a seagull.
i want to eat a live seagull.”
he asks me to dye his mohawk purple.
he asks me to sharpen it when the hair on his head grows too long.
he changes his clothes many times a day
just like he changes his mood.
he is fierce & he is powerful.
only four years old;
he is mighty & the world belongs to him.

i know he is mine because i see
the stubborn
feisty
rebellious
warm & fuzzy
miracle that he is.

we cuddle together & tell each other secrets
like
i love him all the way to the moon & back
& he loves me for all the sharks in the ocean
& sometimes i feel halloween is the only time we show who we are
every other day
we are pirates in disguise.

i’m not a poet, but i really like this poem i wrote about my NOW 16 year old son. (where does the time go?) i’ve been sharpening my mohawk for halloween & thought of it.

the art is a mixed media piece i did by inkstaining a page & finding an image in it

true love & all that

i wrote a story that contemplated love vs. success…and after writing it, i decided love is more important than success…but good luck telling my brain that. i have a lot of programming that tells me without success i am…nothing & with a man i am still just…nothing.
anyhoo.
i had an okcupid profile (i recently removed it because…gross) & where it asked for what i am working towards i put: the greatest thing i could ever learn is just to love & be loved in return.
then i bought a spellbook (bohemian magic) and started working on spells and just started writing in my grimore (aka my art journal) about my true love & what i need. top of the list was: someone to help me keep my mohawk sharp…

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trust me, there is more, but i guess that is just for the universe now.
make a wish, blow out the candle, & hope true love finds its way to me….

trapped with myself

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change is not easy. fuck, it’s painful. but change is necessary or what do we have?
that’s right…stagnation.
but it feels as if i am constantly fighting my way out of another cocoon.
sigh.
but–yay–it is now scorpio season so my darkness is safe to shine…oh! & change my blog name again because i have somehow even less people reading me now….
new day; new name
watch me wiggle out of this fucking cocoon.

in the spirit of change & letting go:

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(find more neurotic two minute comics over on their very own page!)

comix

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the other night, like too many nights lately, i was spinning out about what a fucking failure i am. how i am worthless. pointless. you know….
then i started thinking about comics & it soothed my rabid brain. i decided to retire my reboot of confusion perfume & to focus instead on wolf & rabbit.
you can now find the confusion perfume reboot on the retired comics page. also! i made a whole page of two minute neurotic comics.
& in my effort to start taking myself seriously, i am thinking of investing money in getting more traffic to my site. has anyone done that? if so, let me know if you think it is worth it as i do not have a lot (or any) money to throw away.

bonus ink drawing for further feelings about my life right now:

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worthwhile monster

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i am a worthwhile monster….

i am struggling with validating myself. i went to a witchy store a week or more back to get a candle to do a spell to sell writings etc & make money. when i told the lady of the store what i was looking for, mentioning that i don’t like to do money spells, she proclaimed that my problem was actually that i don’t feel worthy….
& i started crying.
i don’t feel worthy.
why don’t i feel worthy?
so i’m going to try to turn this bus around & actually know where i’m going. for real this time. i’m going to take myself seriously.
right?

brilliant failure

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it’s been awhile since i’ve done a self-portrait…or, am i always doing self-portraits?
well…in honor of inktober….

so when i was twelve i was sure i was going to be a famous writer one day. one day soon. it was only a matter of time. i used to watch for and wait to be discovered. at eighteen i hung a sign on my wall i am destined for greatness…
at forty i decided i must be a late bloomer.
now i am fifty-four. still watching; still waiting.
when do i give up hope? every time i tell myself it isn’t going to happen for me & i should just give the fuck up, i secretly think it still will…i just have to wait a little longer…surely it will happen.
when do i admit that i spent my whole life waiting for a thing that is never going to happen? when do i admit i don’t have it, whatever it is? admit i just don’t have it…no matter how talented or brilliant i am it does not matter if everyone looks away from my light?
my heart aches. every time i hear a misfit singing a hit song about not fitting in. every time i read a best selling novel by a famous pariah. my heart aches. why them and not me? what exactly is wrong with me? what is fundamentally unlikeable about me?
it’s not fame i am after. it’s not money. it’s just to be heard.
to be seen.
is that so much to ask?

ps.
tired of rejection, i have published my most recent short stories here on my website…if you feel like reading some short fiction of mine.

finding closure….

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the final page of chapter one of “saint nobody”
i am putting all sixteen pages on their own page on this website for easy reading.
on a side note, how many times do i have to kill my ex in effigy before i do find closure?

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a journal page as i re-read “women who run with the wolves” and think about the skeleton woman and how i am pretty epic in my run from love. it’s a marathon really….

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& i am still seeking publication for my novel “a better life through sock puppets”…you know, if you know anyone looking for a dark & quirky novel about motherhood & how to fuck up your life….

it’s officially fall

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this is just something that is percolating in my head (for a future comic i am so far calling “wolf & rabbit”) & will surely be fabulous once it springs forth fully formed….
(i am practicing feeling worthy…)

meanwhile, a project for my family:

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i have been carrying around this canvas since 2016. i think it is time….

also! neurotic comics (born of my feeling worthless when my ex-husband is around) and a daily doodle….

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and, for you urban homesteading peoples…i drove across wisconsin to adopt a french angora doe to maybe one day make babies with my french angora buck. i joked that i was going to name her “sparkle fuzzbutt” only to find out the breeder had named her “blue sparkle” however on the drive there, after hearing “evelyn evelyn” in my mix, i decided to name her “evelyn sparks” …which might make an excellent character name in the comic “wolf & rabbit”….
which brings us full circle!!

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(she lives in my office so not only do i have a room of my own, but also do i have a rabbit of my own in a room of my own)

personality crisis

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i am currently going through a personality crisis. it is expressing itself in a mombob mohawk. two dominant personalities battling it out through my haircut. male gaze vs. fuck you. mother vs. warrior. let’s all get along vs. punk rock.

don’t worry…i’m working on a comic about it.

confusion perfume–access

random thoughts from confusion perfume….