Emje McCarty's Blog, page 2

the saga begins…

Daily writing promptWhat colleges have you attended?View all responses

1988
i was going to be a world famous writer
so the week i graduated high school
i headed to iowa city…home of the university of iowa
with dreams of their star building writer’s workshop
but
i didn’t know i wouldn’t be able to get financial aid
due to my parents’ income
which i saw none of
so
i waited
i took a class or two
but was disillusioned by the fact that i had to take
certain classes to attain a degree
i was paying them
but i couldn’t take the classes i wanted to take?
1994
guess what
i applied to & got into the
SECOND best writing school in the nation
& i was able to get financial aid
so i set off to hollins university
where i made it through one semester
(with honors)
before i ran away again
this time due to ghosts & entitled rich girls
2002
what the hell
i’m in a college town
may as well go to college
i start attending the university of kentucky
in lexington
but then i decide i can’t take the south
anymore
& should head back to the midwest
running away again
i suppose
but guess what
i land in another college town
(in fact i have lived in 8 or more college towns in my life)
this time it’s the university of wisconsin
in madison
& i don’t go to school right away
it’s when i’m divorcing my husband
2010
living in a co-op
on the lake
downtown
right on campus
that i’m all like
looks like we’re doing this again
i made it five years this time
going part-time
through pregnancies & homebirths
until my ex-husband (who i’m somehow still with)
won’t stop dating this girl…long story…but i give him an ultimatum
break up or i leave madison
so
i no longer live in madison & had to quit working toward my degree
again
but i play with the idea of going back
after all
there is a college one town over….

what if…

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i started reading the eft manual by dawson church
as i have been running in circles
trying to figure out
why i can’t run forward
i don’t want to be stuck in this rut
i’m tired of keeping myself in darkness
but i don’t know how to get out
so i started reading this book
& some stuff started moving
i have yet to actually try “tapping”
because i noticed i had a block against it
i noticed i have a block against healing
against moving forward
& i realized
i realized
i hold onto my pain because i think my pain makes me
who i am
i hold onto my pain because
what if
i don’t know who i am without my pain?

i guess there is only one way to find out for sure
right?

new year updates

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visit or follow the process of my zine twat
i am in the end process of putting together issue one

in other news
i’m still hanging out over on altscene
where a lovestruck & condescending french man is not picking up
on my subtle hostility
& i am still attracting
millennials & vampires
(despite or because of being a gen x werewolf?)
but keep hoping
that love will somehow find me
despite it all.

motherhood & other relationships

Daily writing promptWhat are your biggest challenges?View all responses[image error]

if i had known how challenging motherhood was going to be for me….
i learned about highly sensitive people
not too many years ago
& realized i am one of the higher highly sensitive people
the book i read
told me that highly sensitive people should not have children
or one at the most
i had four when i read that
of course i love my children
just don’t give me a time machine….
motherhood has been very difficult for me
in so many different ways
most days i’m pretty sure i’m completely fucking it up
& if i had a dollar for every time momming made me cry
i wouldn’t have to be combing the internet
for proofreading jobs….
as for other relationships
i had a terrible relationship with my parents
i have so much social anxiety
& such a dysfunctional childhood
that i had a therapist tell me, when i was 22
that i had the social skills of a five year old
i think i have improved since then…
but i still call myself socially retarded
& often opt to be alone rather than interact with people
plus
i generally choose manipulative narcissistic partners
& now it is to the point where i am terrified
of dating.
so….

image is from my graphic novel experiment moses jones: apocalyptic mama. find more on my retired comics page.

new year’s resolutions

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sigh.
i actually don’t believe in new year’s resolutions because i believe in trying to be a better person every day of the year.
but!
okay…now i’ve forgotten where i was going with this post
because after i started it
i ran to the library to copy off
THE FIRST ISSUE OF TWAT the ZINE!!!!
and my mood has swung from morose
to elated
just like that
it started it’s upswing with the promise of a visit
from the only other member of my coven
visiting from pittsburgh
& my tarot cards tell of collaboration & creating community
so now i have forgotten
what i was going to say here
i might remember later…
but right now i’m too excited about my zine & a visit with
a potential collaborator/community member/coven

also, i went with yoga rather than whiskey
that may have helped as well

my favorite president

i just read that jimmy carter died
he has always been my favorite president
i was 6 when he became president
10 when he was voted out
listening to the world & my own parents hate on him
but admiring him anyway
& i know he was a better man than he was a president
but i still believe he was a good president
rare. dignified. full of heart.
able to rise above all the criticisms & hate
staying true to himself
he was an amazing man who did so much good with his life
if there is any man in the world
who can convince me it isn’t all shit
& there is some good in this world
he would be first in line.

i have spent the day reading KILL ANYTHING THAT MOVES by nick turse…a book full of the horrors committed by the u.s. troops during the vietnam war that eclipses any other horror i have seen or read about in any fiction or fact. it has not improved my mood…& now jimmy carter is dead…but he was 100 & lived a good life….

that all too familiar feeling

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that it is all just stupid & pointless
& why am i even trying?
i want to delete everything i have ever done
or said
because surely i am just the biggest idiot
that ever walked the earth….

where does it come from?
why can’t i just stop feeling this way?
will it ever stop
or
do i just have to wait for death
to relieve me of my pain?

i know i won’t always feel this way
maybe later today
or tomorrow
i will feel elated again
connected to the universe
grounded & centered…
until i fall again

all too much lately
i wonder what the point to it all is
& why didn’t i just kill myself
years ago
& spare myself
the ridiculousness
of me?

they haven’t

Daily writing promptHow have your political views changed over time?View all responses

born an anarchist
i’m sure i will die one as well
of course
when i was little
i didn’t know what anarchism was
but i was one nonetheless….
i am so unhappy
with the “choices” we have politically
i think i voted for clinton
when i was first able to vote
& i voted for obama on his re-elect
(but only because he looked so tired all the time
i figured he must be doing something)
otherwise
i vote third parties
even though anarchists don’t believe in politics
i do vote
but i don’t have any hope
that anything will change
without a drastic
shift
in the political paradigm.

the image is one of my self-portraits from the invisible exhibitionist…a different take on “american gothic”

soon to be released

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my first issue of twat is just days away from being a reality.
follow it’s progress over on twat.ink

each issue is planned to be hand bound
& each issue will have original one-of-a-kind art

hoppy new year

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i’ve been up & down
waxing & waning like the moon
the only sign that i’m coming back up
again
is that i finally got around to making
thank you cards (rabbit themed of course)
for all the relatives
who sent me money
thereby helping to keep my family afloat
this year
& i look forward
to the new year
being hoppy
instead of
crappy

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