Emje McCarty's Blog, page 4

embracing my monsters

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embracing my monsters
dancing with my demons
i am trying to be alive
with no apologies
to be me
with no apologies
wondering if i can take a lifetime
(how many lifetimes?)
of anger
& turn it into something
beautiful

we likes the dark

Daily writing promptAre you more of a night or morning person?View all responses

is what i tell my kids when they want to turn on lights at night
i can appreciate a nice sun rise
but i loathe the morning
i prefer a nice moon rise
& love love love
twilight
with a crescent moon hanging low in the sky
i love the smell of fox
the sound of coyotes crying
frogs singing
i hate fucking street lights & all the noise
of light pollution
let the night be the night
for fuck’s sake
we likes the dark.

i’d eat people

Daily writing promptWhat are your feelings about eating meat?View all responses

that’s what i used to say all the time
to explain my feelings on meat
i will totally
eat anything
with a face
i’m an omnivore
more than that
i’m a scavenger
it’s all food
i was actually vegan or vegetarian
for many many years
& i went a bit crazy
i think meat is important to the brain
i finally quit being vegan after i got pissed off enough
at vegans i knew being such sanctimonious assholes
i decided to eat meat again
but to make sure to choose meat from responsible sources
thereby supporting local farmers
& the natural ecosystem
the second thing i ate when i quit veganism
was road-kill pheasant
(i wish i had the gumption to eat more roadkill)
i also decided, since i was eating meat
to learn to butcher meat
& i did learn how to do it…but i’m too neurotic
too sensitive
i’m not a good butcher
but i still buy meat from local & sustainable sources
& often think about giving home butchering
another shot whenever i consider what to do with
that asshole of a duck
in my backyard….

a shitload of rabbits

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i can’t figure out if i’m procrastinating
or processing…grieving?
healing?
just plain coping maybe
doodling rabbits soothes my rabid brain
holidays are hard for me
motherhood is hard on me
being a thoroughly unsuccessful writer & artist breaks my heart
being alone (so fucking alone) makes me want to die….
on top of that
today is my dead brother’s birthday

16 years ago today was the last day i talked to him
19 days later
he was dead
he had been subpoenaed to testify about rigged elections & missing white house emails
then his single engine plane crashed as he flew home to ohio from dc….
& now i only see him in my dreams.

fuck black friday

but if you just have to buy something

where do i start….

Daily writing promptWhat technology would you be better off without, why?View all responses

i am a luddite
i think most modern technology is just an experiment in the ridiculous.
i told y’all about the smart coffee cup i saw when my son made me take him to best buy?
it made me cry
(of course this time of year anything can make me cry)
i try to buy-nothing-new
i try to avoid appliances
i have a fucking flip phone
& a wood burning cookstove
i drive a stick shift car
i draw art by hand
if you ask me to name a technology i would keep
i would say music
i do love my bluetooth speaker
& being able to access
so. much. music.
however the rest of it can vanish for all i care
i am ready to go full amish
(if the amish weren’t such assholes & dressed more fashionably…& listened to punk rock loud & frequently)

oops–forgot the why:
because technology tends to make us lazy & stupid & creates health problems due to lack of effort & probably contributes to mental health issues due to making everything pointless.
& technology & that need to keep up contributes largely to our damaged environment from stripping the earth of resources to filling up landfills with toxins.
something like that.

embracing my true self…

so i was watching rewilding with sabrina lynn this morning
she was on about what the planets are doing & finding your true center
she also spent a lot of time selling herself
for a price i could not afford
i have $40 in my bank account & just maxed out my citibank card…
i almost had no money in my bank account because a subscription to national geographic kids that i got for my kids like 2 or 3 years ago has apparently been re-subscribing itself every year, this year taking my last $40 from my bank account just when i needed to go to the grocery store to buy thanksgiving bullshit….
which means i had to call them up & yell at some nice woman who was just doing her job….
but i got my 40 bucks back
so, no, sabrina of rewilding…i cannot afford $59 a month to find my true center.
fuck.
i know, she’s just doing her job…but still…why does it always come down to money?
& that leaves me alone
on my own
to find my true center…
& this is what i got:
from what i know of me, my true self is angry & bitter & just wanting to be loved.
to be validated.
maybe even to be accepted for my angry bitter self.

i probably don’t need to “rewild” after all…i’m pretty fucking feral as it is.

more neurotic comics

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i keep all these on their own page
but here are a couple i did today
battling a rabid brain
with comics

i draw because it is nicer than going on a killing spree

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i am so fucking angsty
i want to be anywhere but here
here being my life
tired of momming
tired of struggling for money
tired of being invisible
so i draw
& draw
& draw
or else my head might explode

locavores

Daily writing promptWho are your current most favorite people?View all responses

or buy-nothing-new people
definitely NOT people who regularly shop at best buy & walmart & costco & all those other fucking asshole stores where you can actually get lost in the store…where they encourage you to overspend & hoard.
fuck me.
i just went with my 16 year old to best buy because he wanted to buy a computer & i started crying when i saw that there is such a thing as a smart coffee cup.
not crying in a good way
nope
more crying in the-fucking-world-is-ending-&-there-is-nothing-i-can-do-about-it way.