Teela Hudak's Blog, page 43

How Does Materialism Affect Our Relationships?

We live in a very materialistic world. In many parts of North America, there is a heavy pressure to have stuff. Some people measure success by what possessions a person has and are able to get. Many people seek partners who have materialistic comfort. They can be seen as desirable or ideal mates. But are they really? Does the pursuit of possessions have any impact on our relationships?

Possessions & Materialism

Materialism can be defined as having a set of goals, values, and focus on possessions, image, status, and wealth. A study in 2014 by Dittmar, Bond, Hurst & Kasser discovered a link between poor personal well-being and materialistic values. The research indicated that materialistic individuals place a higher priority on possessions than fulfilling their needs. Stuff is of higher importance than their psychological needs.

There is plenty of evidence to suggest that materialism have some negative effects. It also is linked to lower levels of job satisfaction. Materialistic people can feel they can never make enough money to acquire all they think they need. Often this can lead to disagreements with their family. Family, ironically, can be seen as getting in the way of precious work time.

So How Does Materialism Affect Our Relationships in the Long Run?

With all the focus on acquiring possessions, people who are highly materialistic have less focus on their relationships. They will place less time and attention on their partner and into their relationship. This all leads to a less intimate connection with their partner.

The ability to self-disclose is a critical step in maintaining our relationships. When we are with a romantic partner, we often tell them things we withhold from others. We make ourselves emotionally vulnerable. This is a huge part of the intimacy of a romantic relationship.

Whether or not we decide to self-disclose and open up to our partners depends a lot on trust. Do we trust them to be there for us? Do we feel that they will be responsive to our needs? Research suggests that people who are highly materialistic are less likely to meet their partner’s needs. They tend to be less responsive. Their partners usually feel this and therefore less likely to open up to their materialistic partner.

Over time, the lack of intimacy and trust can cause the strain that leads to higher relationship dissatisfaction. It causes many relationships to end.

Safeguard Your Connections From Materialism

Materials and possessions can be important for securing a certain quality of life but so are relationships and close connections with others. One does not mean much without the other. It’s important to keep this in mind if you wish to build closer and more meaningful relationships. For more tips on relationships, join our mailing list.

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What is Rape Culture?

Rape culture is a toxic set of beliefs that are commonly held about the way the world is. It is a culture that normalizes sexual violence and just sees rape as inevitable, unavoidable and a totally normal thing. Rape culture supports and encourages male sexual aggression as well as violence against women and other groups. It ignores the problems around sexual assault. Victims are blamed for the act and encouraged to take precautions to avoid being raped. This is a more dominant attitude than teaching people not to rape others.

Elements of Rape Culture

Rape culture is a very complex and layered throughout our society. It manifests in a number of ways. We see it in TV, movies, memes, advertising, laws, legal jargon, jokes, video games, music, attitudes about relationships and dating, and much more. There are so many elements to rape culture in our society it would impossible to break them all down in one article.

Common examples of rape culture include

Condoning sexual violence in everyday language
Only 3 of every 1000 sexual assault ends in a conviction
Revenge porn
Stealthing
Tech devices and other inventions developed to prevent rape
Pick up artist classes
Rape clubs
The rape kit problem
Inappropriate rape jokes
Normalizing violence against women in entertainment
Blurring the lines of consent
Victim blaming
Legitimatizing and trivializing the concept of rape
Child marriage
Tolerance of Sexual harassment
False rape accusations
Defining “manhood” as sexually aggressive and dominant
Defining “womanhood” as sexually passive and submissive
The concepts of what a rapist looks like
The concept of the perfect rape victim
Assuming no men get raped
Teaching people to avoid sexual assault instead of teaching people not to rape
Oversexualization of young women
The concept of “soft” or “grey” rape
Slut shaming
Street harassment
The friend zone
Fear to Report
Ignoring higher rates of assault in minority communities

All of these things factor into the prevalence of rape culture. How impactful each thing is varies but they all come together to form a whole picture and the picture is not pretty.

What Can We Do About Rape Culture?

Combating rape culture is not about hating men and it also isn’t about blaming them. We can create change by raising awareness. We need to invite others to join the conversation. Invite them to think critically.

A huge part of combating rape culture is being aware of it. When we stop to question the status quo, we can choose to do things differently. Our choices impact others. People may also begin to think more critically about the world around them and act differently. It creates small ripples of awareness that slowly spread and create change. We have seen some of this already with the #MeToo Movement. Awareness is a start but we also need to be doing more to support survivors and victims.

We can work towards creating a culture of consent where people are respected and have control over what happens to their own bodies. In a consent culture, everyone feels safe and respected. It creates safer spaces and deepens our relationships with each other. Learning about consent and being a consent advocate are major keys to ending rape culture.

Increase Awareness of Rape Culture

You can do your part to end rape culture by continuing to expand your awareness and the knowledge in your community. Pick up a copy of “Got Consent?” to expand your consent skills and become a strong consent advocate. Share this article with people in your life and start some conversations. Keep the conversation alive in your life by joining our mailing list and getting access to more great content to help you on your journey. Together, you and I can make a difference.

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Do Beliefs About Love Impact Your Relationships?

There are lots of different ideas when it comes to love. Some people think that you need to work to maintain long-term relationships while others feel that love should be easy. So which is it? Is love hard work? Should it be hard? The truth is that the answer is a bit what you make it. What you believe about love will influence your decisions and how you approach relationships. It will impact how much you put into your relationships and this ultimately affects the course of your romantic attachments. A fair amount of research has gone into beliefs about love and how it influences our choices and relationships.

Beliefs About Love: It’s Our Destiny

People who hold destiny beliefs about love are those who believe in soulmates and that one perfect match for everyone in their life. They are people who tend to think that the test of real love is that it comes easily between two people. Relationships should not take a lot of work to keep both people happy. If two people are destined to be together than they should already be compatible and in sync.

Many people who hold these beliefs see a lot of conflict in a relationship as a sign that their partner is not meant for them. Arguments are seen as more destructive and threatening to the relationship. People who hold these beliefs about love are also more likely to end a relationship more quickly if they do not believe their partner is their perfect mate

Beliefs About Love: Sometimes Love Takes Work

People who hold growth beliefs about love see things differently. The challenges that arise in the relationship are seen as barriers to overcome. People are seen as able to change and overcome their flaws. Couples can work and grow together over the course of the relationship. People who see relationships in this way are more likely to stay committed to the relationship even when they may be experiencing conflict.

People who hold the belief that love can take work are more likely to make compromises. They see relationship satisfaction as something to work towards and be achieved by working with their partner.

How Do These Beliefs Impact Our Relationships?

What beliefs a person holds can totally change their approach to their relationship. It can also impact the level of commitment a person feels. Depending on the circumstances, this can either be a bad or good thing.

If people believe that their perfect soulmate is out there, they may end relationships more quickly at the first signs of trouble. They may be unwilling to stick it out and work out the conflict that could have led to a very fulfilling relationship. Conversely, when people are completely convinced that a particular person is their perfect match, they may be willing to put up with more relationship dissatisfaction. In some cases, they will tolerate emotional, verbal, or even physical abuse. This is often because they don’t believe there will be someone else for them. People who strongly hold destiny beliefs about love may also attribute a lack of relationship and sexual satisfaction as incompatibility. They will believe that no amount of effort and communication will make a difference.

People who believe that love can take work and growth may end up staying in a bad relationship because of the hope that they will continue to grow with their partner. They hold out the hope that things will get better with time.

Research suggests that those who see relationships as more of a matter of growth tend to feel more satisfaction in their relationships. Because they see the difficulties as a challenge to overcome, they can have an impact on the course of the relationship. This sense of control increases the overall sexual and relationship satisfaction. If things aren’t working it’s not because of some unknown force of the universe but an amount of effort they can control. They can impact the quality of their relationship by the amount of effort and compromise they put in.

It All Comes Down to What You Believe

Our beliefs about love play a significant role in the way we approach our relationships. It impacts the amount of effort we put in and how we respond to conflict with our intimate partners. Continuing to learn about relationships can help us to understand ourselves better. Once we do, we can make choices that will help us reach higher levels of happiness and satisfaction romantically and sexually. Continue your journey towards better relationships by joining our mailing list. We will deliver new articles to you on a regular basis.

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What is Sexual Orientation?

Sexual orientation describes what a person is sexually attracted to. It describes who a person is pursuing. Often this is just restricted to who we desire sexually but it can also describe how we relate to others romantically. Sexual orientation is all about who you want to be with.

Types of Sexual Orientations

 

There are a number of different kinds of sexual orientations. As we learn more about people and what they are attracted to, more terms and identities have emerged. Right now some commonly accepted sexual orientations include

Heterosexual is an orientation where people are attracted to others of the opposite gender. This orientation usually refers to only those who identify as male and female.
Bisexual is an orientation where people are attracted to people of two differing genders.
Homosexual is an orientation where people are attracted to those of the same gender
Asexual is an orientation where a person experiences little to no sexual attraction to anyone of any gender
Pansexual is an orientation where people are sexually attracted to multiple genders or any gender

These are just a few orientations. Some people don’t feel like any of these labels accurately describe how they feel. Some people simply identify as Questioning or reject labels at all. Everyone is on their own journey and will use the labels (or not) as they feel suits them and where they are at.

Is Sexual Orientation Always Black and White?

Sometimes it is easy for us to know who we are attracted to but it’s also common for people to experience some questioning or confusion at some point in their life. If you find yourself questioning, there is no reason to panic. It happens to a lot of people.

Sexual orientation is often not the black and white either. People can feel varying levels of attraction to different genders. They may identify as someone in between any of the above orientations. As with other areas of sexuality, it is very personal.

A person’s orientation may change throughout their life as well. Many people will experiment with their levels of attraction to different genders throughout their life. As they grow and come to learn more about themselves, they may identify their sexual orientation differently. Our orientation is not always a fixed point that never changes. Some people may never question their sexuality and there is nothing wrong with that but that will not be everyone.

Is Sexual Orientation a Choice?

There are a lot of different opinions and theories about whether we have any control over who we feel attracted to. While there is no conclusive research that shows what determines a person’s sexual orientation, it’s speculated that it’s a combination of genetic and biological factors. People can no more choose their sexual orientation than they can choose their eye color, height, or color of their skin.

All notions that certain sexual orientations are caused by past trauma, parenting styles, early childhood experiences, or the way someone is raised have been disproved. There is no evidence to suggest that any of these things play a role in who a person is sexually attracted to.

Sexual Orientation is Part of Your Journey to Who You Are & What You Like

Regardless of what your orientation is and whether or not it comes easily to you is part of the journey to discover who you are and what you like. Getting to know yourself intimately is one of the steps to improving your sex life and having more fulfilling relationships. Learning about sex and sexuality will help you decide what you want to be part of your experiences. Keep the journey on track by joining our mailing list. Share this article with a good friend today and get the conversation going. Sometimes talking it out with a trusted friend can also help put things into perspective for you.

If you enjoyed this article, please stop by our online store and support the growth of our site by picking up a tantalizing and unique conversation piece for your home today!

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What is Monogamy?

Monogamy is the relationship style where two people are in a committed relationship. Two people are sexually committed to each other and do not engage in any sexual activities with anyone else. This is the most commonly accepted type of relationship in today’s North American society. It is also commonly held up as the ideal relationship and a way to see success in love.

We are taught since young children that this is the only relationship style that exists and the perfect one we should all strive for. All children’s stories talk about the “one true love” and people living “happily ever after” at the end of the story with the love interest. Monogamy probably doesn’t need much of an explanation or an introduction to most people. It is what many of us have been raised with. But how far back does it go? Were humans always monogamous?

History of Monogamy

Monogamous relationships are a relatively newer concept for humanity. If we look back through history, stretching back to hunter and gatherer times, we have records indicating that people used to have multiple relationships. It was common practice for men to have multiple wives.

The practice of polygamy continued as agriculture became popular and access to larger amounts of food became available. The practice continued through the rise of ancient civilizations such as China, Egypt, the Middle East, and Western Europe. Men who had higher status had multiple wives and were able to increase their ability to reproduce while men of lower status rarely had a single wife.

In the Middle Ages, humanity started to see a decline in polygynous relationships. As Christianity began to rise in popularity and gain more influence, monogamy began to become highly encouraged. As society continued to advance and embrace Christian ideals, monogamy became more of a moral sense in societies that were striving for social equality. The social equality gave men of lower status a chance to be able to find a wife and pass down their family name.

As time passed, these values became more accepted and commonplace. Society may have also been influenced by our growing medical knowledge. As with the development of our understanding of sexually transmitted infections, maintaining sexual fidelity with one partner seems safer and more practical. During the original outbreak of the AIDS crisis, having multiple partners may have seemed reckless.

A Socially Held Up Ideal

Monogamy is the current social standard. It is the idea that we are all taught as kids as romantic and pushed to embrace. But is it right for us?

The reality for this ideal is that it’s not always perfect. Betrayal is something that many people experience in monogamous relationships. Cheating and infidelity happen. It’s unpleasant and a huge breach of trust. That doesn’t stop people from being unfaithful to their commitment.

As with so many other aspects of our sexuality, that is inherently a personal choice. There is no right or wrong answer. Each person must decide for themselves. Whether or not this relationship style is right for you will depend on a series of factors that may change over your lifespan. It might be what you wish to pursue with one partner but not all partners, or one time of your life but not another.

Finding Your Way to Happiness

Relationships can be very complicated and finding one that works for you is not the easiest thing in the world. We all stumble along our journey. Take time to explore what will be right for you. The more you understand your own desires and needs, the clearer you can communicate them to potential partners. Being clear and upfront can help avoid a lot of unnecessary pain and anguish. Your journey to a fulfilling relationship takes time and knowledge. Keep expanding your knowledge by joining our mailing list. You can also support new articles to this site by picking up something from our online shop.

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What is Anal Sex?

Anal sex is when something is inserted into the anus. Commonly most people think of a penis being inserted but fingers or a sex toy can also be used. Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of anal sex and that’s perfectly OK. As with all kinds of sexual activity, the motto of “different strokes for different folks” applies. There is no right or wrong in enjoying or not enjoying anal play.

You don’t have to be interested in participating in anal sex to learn more about it. Having a knowledge of the different types of sex and the important things you need to know for each is important. If you don’t need the knowledge for yourself, you can pass it on to those close to you.

What’s the Appeal of Anal Sex?

It might seem counter-intuitive to many people. We primarily use our anus to expel things from our body. Many people like to joke that it’s an exit only but the anus is actually full of nerve endings. These nerve endings can feel really amazing to some people when they are stimulated.

People who have a penis, also have a prostate. The prostate is a gland right by the bladder that makes prostate fluid, which is one of the key ingredients of semen. The prostate feels like a small, solid bulge right in front of the rectum. When someone with a penis is receiving anal sex, it can stimulate the prostate. An orgasm brought on by this kind of stimulation can feel a bit different and more intense.

People who have vulvas sadly do not benefit from having a prostate-induced orgasm because they don’t have a prostate. This doesn’t mean that vulva owners can’t enjoy anal sex. There are still a lot of different never endings in the anus that can give off all kinds of enjoyable sensations when stimulated.

Are There Any Risks for Anal Sex?

As with other kinds of sex, there are definitely some risks for anal. It is possible to contract a number of different STIs from anal sex including HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, hepatitis, or syphilis. It’s important that you consider using some safer sex methods to protect yourself and your partner.

It is actually a bit easier to contract an STI during anal sex than any other kind of sex. The anus does not naturally self-lubricate the way the mouth or the vulva does. Because there are no natural lubricants, it is easier for the friction caused by sex to create small tears in the anal tissues. The tears increase the risk of a transmission.

The other thing to be aware of is that our bodies are designed to get the most we can out of foods and nutrients. During our digestive process, our bodies have several stages to retrieve nutrients out of what has been digested. This includes in our small intestines and anal passages. The skin there is thinner and designed to intake nutrients. This is why some medications and painkillers can be given as a rectal suppository. It’s important to be aware of because the thinner skin also means there’s a higher chance for transmission or infection.

What Do I Need to Know Before Having Anal Sex?

Feeling relaxed and open to the experience is a key. It makes a huge difference in the experience for many people. If you are already feeling hesitant about trying anal sex, be sure to communicate that openly with your partner. You will have to talk it out. Determine if your discomfort with the idea is something you feel you want to move past or if you can. How open and comfortable you feel about it and the process makes a significant difference to how much you may enjoy or not enjoy anal sex. Once again, there is no right or wrong here. You set the terms for what is OK for your body and what is not. It is your choice whether or not you want to explore anal play and no one should be pushing you into it.

It’s important to know that it’s best not to just jump into anal sex. If a person receives full penetration before experimenting with any anal play, it can be a painful and traumatizing experience. Anyone considering engaging in anal sex should ensure that it is approached slowly. Steps should be taken to prepare the person receiving for the experience. People should be starting with experimenting with sensations around the anus. If that goes well, then small toys or starting with the smallest finger can be inserted. These experiences can build slowly to larger toys, more fingers, and eventually a full-size penis or dildo.

You and your partner should be putting some time into researching the beginning steps for having successful and pleasurable anal sex. You will need to determine what lubricants to use as well as other considerations to keep the experience a good one for all involved. All of these tips are beyond the scope of this particular article and we will be covering beginner advice and tips at a future time. There are a number of great books on anal sex as well as some online

Exploring Different Aspects of Sex

Anal sex is just one type of sexual activity you and your partner can explore. The more we learn about different kinds of ways we can engage with each other, the more we open up to the different kinds of experiences we can have. This will lead us to find what we really like and what will really enhance and enrich our sexual experience. Keep learning more by joining our mailing list. You can support the growth of information and our organization by visiting our online shop and picking up a fabulous gift or conversation piece today!

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How Often Should I Get Tested?

Do you ever ask yourself, how often should I get tested? Getting tested is an important part of safeguarding your sexual health but how often should you go? The answer is going to be a little different for everyone. The choice is a very personal one and there is no right or wrong answer. Each person needs to decide their own level of diligence based on their lifestyle and choices.

So what kind of things do you need to consider when deciding how often to get tested? You should basically be making the decision based on levels of risk. The higher risk you experience, the more you may wish to consider getting tested.

What Risk Factors Affect How Often You Should Go?

The first thing to consider is whether or not you wish to engage in safer sex. The more you use safer sex methods such as condoms or barriers, the more you reduce the risk of contracting any sexually transmitted infections. If you are choosing not to use any barriers at all, then you may want to consider getting tested more often.

Another factor is how many partners you are with. There is nothing wrong with being open and enjoying the company of many people as long as everyone is aware and consenting. You just need to be aware of the risks of those choices. If your current lifestyle involves a lot of sexual contact with a wide variety of partners, you should consider being tested on a schedule of once every three months. It’s particularly a good idea if these are all random partners where there is no commitment or much conversation about sexual health.

If you and your partner are in a polyamorous relationship, you need to discuss the level of risk with your partner. Each poly relationship will be different and it is up to you and your partner to determine what you both are comfortable with for your relationship.

So… How Often Should I Get Tested?

So you’ve had a chance to think about your risk factors but you’re still trying to figure out how often you should go. If you are not at a high risk, you can go once a year or before every new partner. Some STIs can be contracted through other means aside from sexual contact. Even if you are at a very low risk, you may want to consider getting checked once a year or every other year just for peace of mind. Otherwise, before every new partner is also a solid way to go.

If you are experiencing a higher degree of risk you may want to go once every six months or every three months. You don’t really need to go more than once every three months. STIs can take time to test positive in your system, between that and time it takes to process the results there is no benefit of going more than that. It would just be using extra resources and putting yourself through unnecessary, and potentially uncomfortable, screening procedures.

Ultimately, it is up to you. If you have a long-term partner, you should discuss it with them, particularly if you are fluid bonded with your partner. The choice to get tested is simply another safer sex method to mitigate your risks and protect your long-term sexual health. You are going to be the best person to decide how important that is to you as well as how often you need to go. Everything else is just recommended guidelines.

Taking Charge of Your Health & Sexuality

Getting tested is one of the ways you can take charge of your sexuality and health. You have the power to make decisions over your own body that will impact your overall health and quality of life. Make the choices that are right for you and your lifestyle and stay empowered by keeping any risks within your control. Your journey to sexual empowerment and ecstasy starts today. To help you on your journey to unlocking your ultimate sexual power, join our mailing list. Also, stop by our online shop to pick up the perfect conversational piece for your home!

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Why is Talking About Sex Embarrassing?

If the thought about talking about sex brings a flush to your cheeks or a nervous flutter to your belly then don’t worry. You are not alone. Many adults are uncomfortable talking about sex, even with their own partners. But what gives us this discomfort? Is it something that’s evolved as part of our genetic makeup? Do we have deep-rooted fears of being seen as inadequate by others? Are we taught by society and our parents that it is the correct response to sex? Does it make sex seem more mysterious and seductive? What is the root cause of why we are embarrassed to talk about something that has been an integral part of the human experience?

If we continue to present to the next generations that sex is something that cannot be discussed without awkwardness and discomfort, there are a number of messages that goes with that and most of them do not set a positive tone for people feeling good about their bodies, themselves, how they care for their health. A study by Consedine, Krivoshekove, & Harris in 2007 found that those who had higher levels of embarrassment around their body tended to visit their health care professionals less often for routine health checks and reported even lower visits with medical professionals for sex-related conditions, even when symptoms are severe. Understanding why people can become embarrassed discussing sex and addressing any personal discomfort with it can help you relax as well as increase your sexual enjoyment.

The Brass Tax: What Causes Embarrassment?

[image error]Many researchers have considered embarrassment to have evolved as a mechanism to keep us safe from social ostracism. That the feelings of guilt or embarrassment appear to prevent us from taking some action that will lead us to lose status or other negative consequences. Most of the research conducted on what causes embarrassment highlights the failure to produce the desired or expected images in front of others. Social acceptance is a huge drive for us, particularly in our younger years, and this pressure can help shape many of our perceptions of what is acceptable to talk about. By the time we reach adulthood, many of these ideas have solidified to a pattern of behavior we have come accept will keep us from ridicule.

How we feel about ourselves also holds a lot of sway over what causes us to squirm in discomfort. If we hold doubts about our ability to perform in a given situation it will play into our fears of being negatively viewed. Women, in particular, seem to be more susceptible to embarrassment in general. They tend to report significantly higher levels of anxiety in interactions as well as reporting lower self-esteem and body esteem scores than males. Women have also reported higher levels of discomfort when in front of strangers, which indicates a stronger fear of judgment from men in general than any particular individuals close to them.

Although lower self-esteem and body esteem has been linked to feeling higher levels of embarrassment that’s not the whole picture. Research does suggest that the main source of the embarrassment is not caused by a person’s own lack of self-esteem but by their perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of others. Society models and reinforces all kinds of ideas that contribute to our embarrassment and ultimately control our behavior. It is not uncommon for us to think we will never respond in a conventional way when considering the hypothetical but once we enter the situation, many of us feel pressured to behave in the way others expect.

Social Pressures Making Sex Taboo

[image error]There are a lot of different reasons why society teaches us that sex is a taboo subject. A lot of these influences come from our culture and religious beliefs. People reinforce these behaviors because they want to remain good in the eyes of those who share their beliefs. Anything that falls outside of them can end up being regarded with suspicion or even ridicule. As children, we learn from our parents by their reactions what is considered acceptable and what is not.

Children are more likely to remember a conversation about sex that was charged with guilt and negative emotions from the parents than when things are discussed in an open and easy manner. Those memorable and charged conversations continue to impact us. We subconsciously model a lot of behavior that we see from our parents and unless we have taken the time to question these behaviors, or had some impactful event that would have changed them, we are likely to carry them forward. If your parents were awkward talking about sex and you have never really thought much about the subject, there’s a strong chance that you will find talking about it uncomfortable or embarrassing.

The water is further muddied by the subtext the media gives us about sexual interaction. Aside from depicting the awkwardness of discussing sex, the media is often filled with sexual innuendo. Characters in film and TV are often placed in suggestive situations where sex is inferred but not openly discussed. Many commercials rely on sexual innuendo to spark interest in their products even if their products have nothing to do with sexuality. The toilet paper brand Charmin has a number of commercials where they make sexual remarks or inferences about their toilet paper. In one commercial, the young bear is using binoculars to peep into a bathroom window of a neighboring house. When the young bear is confronted by the momma bear he says he’s looking at his main squeeze and they show the toilet paper. In another commercial for the same brand, the paper bear is looking suggestively at the momma bear who is sitting in a chair by the fire and stroking her hair. They play sexually suggestive music during this and then show the papa bear in the bathroom with the Charmin role.

Candy is another product that has no direct relation to sex but the advertising is often sexually charged. There is a candy commercial for Payday in which they use lots of sexually charged language and undress the bar from its wrapper, even adding a blur-out box where there would be genitals if it was a person.

All of this innuendo reinforces the idea that sex is meant to be secretive and alluded to but not discussed directly. The different pressures and messages from various aspects of society push us towards the idea that we should be uncomfortable and embarrassed talking about sex. That the topic isn’t fit for civilized or polite conversation. So should we just abandon all these notions and embrace the discussion with full enthusiasm? What else could be causing feelings of discomfort?

Embarrassment Emerging From Shame

[image error]Unfortunately, in our world, there are some situations where people are mistreated and have suffered at the hands of an abuser. Violence, particularly sexual violence, can create some complex emotions and a common one many survivors experience is shame. Sexual abuse is the ultimate violation of one’s body and can strongly impact how that person will view sexuality and the sexual experience. Many survivors will inherently feel that they are to blame even though they had no control or input on the abuse taking place. Talking about these feelings can be scary, intense, and cause the survivor to relive the experience so opening up on this topic is not exactly a walk in the park. Survivors can also be discouraged to voice their feelings since the average person tends to lack the knowledge of how to help create a safe and supportive environment for those conversations to happen.

Our society does not encourage conversations around sexual abuse and creating safe spaces for victims either. The feelings of shame and embarrassment that survivors tend to feel is often compounded by the victim-blaming culture found in much of North American society. Survivors of sexual abuse or assault who come forward are often publicly shamed, questioned with high scrutiny and distrust, and often re-traumatized by society and the legal system. With this type of response, it is no wonder that only 1 in 10 of them are reported to authorities even though 1 in 4 women will experience assault at some point in their life. With this kind of reaction to such a personal violation, it is no wonder that this would make sex a difficult and uncomfortable topic.

Exploring Your Own Reasons for Embarrassment

Getting over sexual embarrassment is a very personal journey. Understanding why you feel embarrassed is one of the first steps that will help you work through that discomfort. Take your time and don’t rush it. There are a number of steps you can take to help you open up and feel more secure. You are in charge of your own sexuality so you can feel free to keep it at a pace that you’re comfortable with. Keep learning about yourself, sexuality, and relationships. Join our mailing list for useful information to help you on your journey today.

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What is Consent?

Sexual consent is a huge and important topic. In the last year, we have talked more about consent than we ever have on a societal level. Thanks to the explosion of the #MeToo Movement, we are thinking much more critically about consent and how it should be applied in different situations. We are no longer remaining silent on violations of that consent. A lot of people think that they understand what consent is but this doesn’t really mean they shouldn’t learn more about it. A number of studies have confirmed that despite having a basic understanding of consent, most people still agree with consent violations when presented in specific scenarios despite stating that they are not OK.

The misunderstanding that most people have is that they think consent is only about desire. They don’t really take into account the other things that make up sexual consent. So what is consent really? It’s made up of five basic principles. Consent is freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific.

Consent is Freely Given

Our choice to consent is a crucial part of the process. If we do not choose to give the OK, it is rape pure and simple. Consent is all about choice. It’s important that our choice is not coerced in any way. It is not considered to be freely given if the other person holds some sort of power over us or we have a reason to believe that a refusal will lead to harm or other negative consequences. Coercion can come in many different forms and this is one of the things that has really been highlighted with the #MeToo Movement. People have an increased awareness of the difference power dynamics can play in consent. This is a huge step in the right direction. If we look back as recent as 90s movies, for example, it was still highly encouraged and acceptable for men to sexualize their female employees. In some spaces this is still considered as acceptable. Increased awareness around consent and sexual harassment are starting to make a difference in how people think and approach others.

Part of keeping consent freely given is respecting the “no” when it happens. It is still coercion to temporarily accept the no but continue to pressure the person. No is not an objection to be overcome. If a person gives it, it is not up to you to change their mind. Putting pressure on them and trying to change their mind can easily and quickly escalate to a situation where the person may feel it’s not safe or useless to say no. At this point you are not getting a consensual yes, it is a coerced one. We’ve now crossed the line into sexual assault.

Consent is Reversible

Another important piece about consent is that it can be withdrawn. Many people struggle with this part of the concept. While they acknowledge that it can be withdrawn at any time when given scenarios people have still responded that they feel it’s not OK for one person to withdraw their consent at a certain point. It doesn’t matter how far the encounter has gone. Two people could be in the middle of having sex and it’s still alright for one person to change their mind and withdraw their consent to end the activity. Sure this may not be what the other person wants to hear but no one is under any obligation to continue an activity that they don’t want or is making them uncomfortable.

One person’s pleasure is not more important than the comfort and security of someone else, particularly when the pleasure is impacting the other person’s level of comfort. In other areas of our life we easily see this. When people make fun of others, we consider it rude and bad form. It is highly frowned upon because we acknowledge the discomfort and humanity of the person who is being made fun of. We acknowledge the harm that it does to their emotional well being. When we see that, it shows the bully for the jerk that they are. The same is true in sexual situations. A person who doesn’t care for the well being of their sexual partner is only out for their own pleasure. If that’s the case, then that person should just masturbate. Sex is about the enjoyment and connection between two or more people. If a person isn’t on board with that, then they should just keep to themselves.

Consent is Informed

We can’t give our consent if we don’t know what we are agreeing to. Consent must be informed! We need to have the presence of mind and understanding of what we are consenting to. This means knowing what activities we will be engaging in, with who, what risks are involved, and what safer sex methods are being used to mitigate those risks. Sometimes knowing some of these details would change our minds about whether or not we want to participate. We may choose differently depending on some of the specifics. That’s why it’s important to have conversations around consent prior to having sex with someone.

Misrepresenting or withholding information to influence them to consent is considered a consent violation. It is a deliberate and malicious act if you know that they would not consent if they had that information. This also extends to using mind-altering substances, such as drugs or alcohol, to reduce a person’s objections to sexual activities. When someone is not in their right mind, they are not in a state to consent. Getting someone too drunk to refuse is not getting consent. Once again, we have crossed into sexual assault territory. It’s important that people are capable of consenting.

Consent is Enthusiastic

This is the way desire really shines through consent. We should be able to tell that our partner is really into it. When we are having the consent conversation, they should be engaged and excited. They should be putting in their two cents. If they are less than verbally or physically excited, we should be stopping to find out why. There are a lot of reasons why people may not be feeling enthusiastic. Not all of these reasons will have anything to do with us either. They could be feeling unwell, have other things on their mind, feeling exhausted, or any other number of reasons. If someone isn’t enthusiastic talking about having sex with you, there’s a good chance they won’t be enthusiastic during either.

Ideally, each person should be actively participating and interested in what’s happening. If someone seems super excited during the consent conversation but they seem to be more withdrawn once you get into it, stop and check in. You can simply ask how they’re doing or if they want to stop. Be sure to create a safe space where people feel they can withdraw their consent if they need to. After all, who wants to have sex with someone who isn’t excited and into having sex with you?

Another important thing to note about consent is that our desire to participate in sex is super important but it’s important to note that this is just one of the five factors that make up consent. Sometimes a person may very much want to have sex with someone else but they have a lot of other reasons why they should not. Just because someone may want to, doesn’t automatically mean that they have given consent.

Consent is Specific

Consent is not a blanket statement for all time. When we consent to something once, it doesn’t mean that we consent to it every single time going forward. It is specific to the time and place we have given our consent. This holds true to the specific activities we consent to participate in. Along with our consent being informed, we should be able to agree on how far things will go and where the boundaries are. We should be able to agree with our partner on the limits of our interest with them. How far will things go? Will there be making out? Is it ok to leave marks, such as hickeys? Is oral sex ok? Vaginal sex? Anal sex? Just this time?

Consent is all about communicating the desires you have with your partner and understanding where those desires overlap, if at all. The more specific we are, the less room for error there is and the less likely anyone will be pushed into a space that makes them feel uncomfortable. Being specific maximizing our enjoyment. Not only do we ensure that we don’t cross over any boundaries but it also gives us the chance to discover activities that you and your partner may both be interested in but may not have come up without talking about consent.

Keep Learning & Having Conversations About Consent

Many people still feel that they know all the need to know and that conversations about consent are inherently awkward. They don’t have to be and the truth is that they open to the door to more satisfying sex. Consent safeguards people and respect. It creates a deeper relationship between two people because they both feel safe and respected. Learn more about consent and how you can use it to improve your relationships and life by picking up a copy of “Got Consent?“. You can also join our mailing list for more great articles and tips on how to improve your sex life and relationships. Start your journey to more fulfilling relationships today.

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Can Psychedelics Impact Rates of Domestic Violence?

We are starting to learn much more about the impact of different types of drugs. In recent years, a lot of research has gone into the impacts of psychedelics on mental health. We have some solid research showing success in treating PTSD and depression with mushrooms. As we continue to explore the use of psychedelics in therapy some startling results have been found linking their use to lower rates of domestic violence

The Link Between Psychedelics and Domestic Violence

In a study performed by the University of British Columbia, they performed a survey with more than 1,200 women and men about their ability to regulate their own emotions, their history with psychedelics, and past incidents of perpetrating domestic violence. The study controlled reports of alcohol use which has been highly linked to increases in violence.

The study found that those who had a hard time of regulating their emotions were more likely to perpetrate violence. They also found that men who had a history of psychedelic use had an easier time regulating their emotions.

Yet another study looking at 302 inmates for up to six years after their release found that 42% of the study participants who did not take psychedelics were arrested within six years for domestic violence. This is a dramatic difference to the only 27% of inmates who had taken psychedelics that were arrested for similar charges.

Are Psychedelics Really the Answer?

There is a lot of documentation supporting the theory that psychedelics can have a positive impact and reduce levels of violence. The evidence is not totally conclusive. Much of this research is promising and warrants further investigation and study.

Most of the research that has been done so far has been completed by survey. No matter how careful it is worded and carried out, there may still be some under or over-reporting.

The current research also only proves that men who have a history of psychedelic use will be less likely to engage in domestic violence. This could be a correlation and not a causal link. It simply means that the men who are more likely to use psychedelics may just be predisposed to be less violent for other reasons. For example, research has confirmed that those who take psychedelics are more adept at their own emotional regulation. Those who are in control of their emotions are less likely to become violent towards others.

It’s also important to note that the current research finds no significant difference in domestic violence rates among women who take psychedelics and those who do not.

While there is a solid link between psychedelics and a reduction in rates of male domestic violence, we need more research to determine the nature of this connection.

Rethinking What We Know About Psychedelics

Psychedelics have proven to be way more valuable than just recreational use. We need more research to really understand the full potential and risks. By challenging our assumptions and what we know, we may continue to learn more that could be the difference in the fight against domestic violence. Share this article and join our mailing list for more great articles.

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