Jordan Antonacci's Blog, page 50

Poem: The Pretend Me

Hey

I’m so sick of this world

Sick of falling in love with the wrong girl

Coz I always fall so hard

Hit the ground and I’m left with a broken heart

Hey

I’m sick of listening to time

No matter how hard I try, Im always left behind

I’m sick of feeling pressure

like a barrel pressing up against my temple

Thoughts filling up like a dresser

when the demons move into your head to get setup

And nobody really wants to listen

Nobody wants to listen

Sometimes I just wanna go missing

Hit the coast and drift deep into the ocean

Maybe then they’ll all notice

I hope no one will notice

Sick of the pretend me

Sick of who I used to be

Sick of all this foolery

I ain’t fooling me

Hey!

Thanks for stopping by and checking out today’s poetry

An Alternate Ending

In June, I self-published a mystery novel.

Not gonna lie, it’s getting mixed reviews. Majority like it, and those who understood the message took a special liking to it.

The main thing most people had an issue trying to digest was the ending. It was a massive cliffhanger, setting up the second novel—but for some, it was simply a bit too much. Too many unanswered questions.

Looking back, I can understand that. Personally, I prefer a sudden, intense ending, but I can appreciate that not all share my taste.

So, after receiving the email from the literary agent requesting a full manuscript, I went back and added a chapter to the ending, hopefully softening its blow and fading its suddenness.

Thank you to everyone who’s purchased a copy, and thank you to everyone who’s left a review. And I hate to ask for more, but reviewers, if you leave a review/rating on Goodreads would you please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon as well?

Thank you!

If you’d like to check out my book The Killed Conscience, check out the links below.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40195343-the-killed-conscience

The Killed Conscience https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07D6F5JHW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_rpbKBbN21J272

Thanks again, everyone!

Jordan Antonacci

Twitter: @misterhushhush

Poem: Please, Stop Loving Me

I don’t deserve

your heart

so please stop

giving it to me

Wrapped up

so neat

with a stunning

red bow on top

I’m an addict

a thief

I’m a murderer

who watches the world bleed

without a wonder

I’m a black sheep

In a portrait-perfect

family

[image error]

I’m the air

over a funeral

I’m the casket

six feet deep

and the tears

strolling down

a pink cheek

wetting the soil

beneath

I am

who I am

but what’s worse is that

I sometimes

stare into the mirror

break it

and smile at my reflection

Then I remember

the ways I hurt you

just by

being who I am

and that

hurts me

But I need

to be me

if I want

to be free

So I wonder

if I should leave

without saying

goodbye

But I hate the thought

you might cry

and now I can’t stand

looking you

in the eye

I just want

to be free

Please, stop

loving me

Thanks for reading! Feel free to let me know what you thought in the comments. Like and follow along

Poem: Lullabies at Grandma’s

For me

there is nothing quite

like night

When the black sky

is open wide

and the glowing moon

lends just the right

amount of light

I stare up

An out of this world sight

Memories oh memories

They flood my mind

As a kid

back at Grandma’s

in her lap I’d sit

as she introduced

tunes of the moon

I never knew

one day they’d end

and memories in the sky

would be all I have left

Then we’d go inside

She’d go to sleep

I’d lay in the floor

and watch tv

I remember all

the late night shows

All the nonstop

3 am commercials

Now those memories

they’re just that

Forever in my head

but never coming back

And sometimes

I almost forget

Then I look into the night sky

and for a brief second

I’m reminded

I relive it

again

and again

I’m back on her porch

sitting in her lap

watching the stars

and she lights a cigarette

In the night’s dim light

she sings me lullabies

wrapping me in her undying love

soothing the madness of my mind

But then I go inside

breaking my blurred sight

And to those memories

I say goodnight

For me

there is nothing quite

like my Grandma’s love

Lullabies

lending star-like light

in the darkest night

A love that

will never die

Even if to you

I’ve had to say goodnight

for the last

time

[image error]

 

Hey, everyone. Thanks for stopping by MrHushHush Entries. Today’s poem was especially important to me, and I hope you enjoyed it. If so, please leave a like and follow along. Poetry daily

Till next time,

Jordan Antonacci

Photography by Jordan Antonacci (ya boy), and my Momma

Why I’ve Chosen to Restart my Whole Life

I don’t quite know how to start this post. so many different routes to take, but I feel like this (whatever I’m doing) isn’t the right way. I could start by talking about happiness and how we all have our different takes on the enigmatic term… I could talk about how life’s too short to live so mundanely…

But I think I’ll just do that narcissistic thing bloggers do and talk about themselves real quick. You know, be original.

Brief outline:

Was living poor. As I grew, wanted nice things but kept making bad decisions and getting in trouble.
Wound up in very unhappy situation, and in a very dark place, in this itty bitty, broken down, bug-infested apartment, and was dying to get out.
Through my own ways, I did. I got the luxurious $1,200 apt., the secure job, granite countertops, and all the materialistic shit I “needed” so badly.
Several months later, I was back in the same place. Mentally. So, same thing, different place: miserable and looking for something new.
So I repeated the process, expecting a different outcome–aka insanity. Looking for something to fill the void.
I was moving often and traveling frequent, and realized I only felt alive when I was on the road or in the air. That’s when I decided I wanted to travel for a substantial amount of time and stay in my car. My trip to Eureka, CA intensified that. I slept in a camper/shed the entire time.

One thing about me: I’m incredibly impulsive.

I turned 24, my relationship with my shitty, sub-psychotic exfinally ended, and I had a day where I sat down and reflected–like a lot of us do. Or, like a lot of us need to do.

For several years now, I’ve been chasing my dream of being a writer, blogger,and being able to live off of my art. It was a GRIND. That 9-5 life has never been for me, and it never will be. Working 10 hours, 6 days a week didn’t leave me much time to make my dreams happen. Though I was living a normal, safe, secure life, I was incredibly miserable.

Time has always been precious to me. I’m constantly acknowledging the fact that one day I’ll be out of it. Every second that passes is one lost, and that truth makes me want to run even harder. So, after reflecting, I realized that if I’m going to make my dreams a reality, then they deserve my all. All the time I have left. No more time can be wasted. And that was a powerful, motivating revelation.

Then, I did what any other hard-headed, delusional, impulsive dreamer would’ve done…

I quit my job, packed a bag, and drove to TN: home. Like I said, I’m impulsive AF.

[image error]

Since then, I’ve been a full-time dreamer–blogging, vlogging, writing, recording, editing… I’ve gotten a tiny part-time job in the early mornings while I wait for my lease in TX to end (two more dreaded months). Once it does, I suppose I’ll hit the road!

Where will it take me? We’ll see.

Since I’ve started this journey, I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a while. No longer am I tied down and this restricted life. I can finally breathe. Now I can control where each second goes. Now I’m able to give my art my all. Now I’m able to roam. The world is at my feet. When I think of my journey into the unknown, I only feel more alive.

[image error]

I spent so long looking in the wrong places for so much of my life. I want to say it was wasted time, but I think I needed that to truly find myself and what I want. It took awhile to find this place, but now that I have, I think it’s time to hit that restart button. Not many agree with me, but this is my life and I’ll live it how I want.

Jordan Antonacci

Alone and Nothing to Lose

I’m sick of feeling like I’m at the bottom. Y’all are all going to see me. One way or another.

Hello? Is anybody out there? Or is everyone just playing the same game of who’s Jordan? This isn’t a pity party, I’m just getting fed up with people seeing me then turning away.

I’ve taken a step away to look at my life and figure out what the hell is going wrong—and I feel like I’m losing it. What’s funny is I don’t even know what “it” is. Sanity? Stability? Directionality?

[image error]

I feel like nobody sees anything from my perspective. Nobody understands why I wanna live my life the way I wanna live it, so they keep critiquing me and telling me what I should be doing. Telling me what I’m doing wrong, and I’m always doing something wrong. I feel like there aren’t many on my side but those who are don’t support me or my dreams.

Nobody supports my dreams.

Haha. So, my blog is a platform. Whenever I’m pursuing a dream, I’ll let everyone know coz I figure having 500+ followers will help a bit. That’s a reasonable thought, right? I figured that in a way, y’all support me. You follow me to see what other content I’ll be putting out, so…

But nah, any post detailing a new book, song, or vlog gets minimal views. They’d all rather read the fiction and poetry I post on here, they’d all rather wait for the book to go through it’s free promotion. “Oh, 1.99 for a novel that took 6 months? Eh… I don’t think I care that much. When’s the next poem though? When’s it coming out for free?” At least some are kind enough to ask for the links so they can at least act like they wanna buy it.

Even still, my posts don’t get that many views. Why the hell have 500 people chosen to follow me?! Everybody would rather give their attention to the “bloggers” that post 2-lined quotes and a pic from Google for every post. By the way, to you oh so talented artists

That Old Road known as Memory Lane

Check out a couple of the places where I grew up in Knoxville, Tennessee – aka Rocky Top USA!

Since I don’t have an internet connection where I’m staying, I haven’t been vlogging as much because I have to drive 30 minutes to a Starbucks and spend at least an hour sitting there waiting for the video to upload. But… here we are.

Hey peeps,

Thanks for stopping by MrHushHush Entries and thanks for watching the video (if you did). Please like and follow along! Also, feel free to check out the rest of my YouTube channel, TopNotch Vlogs. More vlogs and music on there

Poem: When the Storm Knocked

I heard the rumble

I heard the grumble and growl

descending quick

from dissatisfied clouds

Like a thousand feet

The march of an army

rolling over the hills

like a warning

Then the sky

flipped from day to night

like God hit the switch

and turned out the lights

The soft pitter patter

upon the metal roof

was like the Earths melodic

playful tune

Then

it grew

Violent

jagged streaks

across the black sky

Brief bursts

of white

An instant roar

just above my head

marvelous in heart

danger in thought

But even after

the storm had left

the thunder remained

like an unwelcome guest

I checked the sky

I checked under my bed

Every place it could hide

but nothing made sense

Then I realized

to my regret

the storm had always been

inside my head

And still today

it has yet to stop

Just outside my door

the storm knocks

[image error]

[image error]

Hey guys! Thanks for stopping by and checking out today’s poetry. If you enjoyed reading it, please leave a like and follow along MrHushHush Entries! Poetry daily

Poem: How to Fly

This place, this place

This place of pain

This place where you must

lose to gain

In order to love

you must first hate

If you want to rise

you must first fall

If you want to be great

you have to start small

If you want to laugh

you must let yourself cry

Aching to be found

but always trying to hide

For new hellos

you have to say goodbye

You prefer the shallow

but are only satisfied when you can dive

To feel the sun

you must embrace the night

Yearning to jump

with a fear of heights

If you want the finish line

you have to sweat

Recognize pain

to find happiness

If you want to live

you must thrive

In order to thrive

you must first die

This place, this place

This place of pain

This place where you must

lose to gain

Thanks for stopping by and checking out today’s poetry! If you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, please leave a like and follow along

Poem: Everything will be Okay

When you feel lost

in a forest of black

Night thicker than smoke

and without a path

No matter what

don’t be afraid

Everything

will be okay

It seems like you

have to climb to the clouds

just to find

safer grounds

If you look down

still stand brave

Everything

will be okay

Your whole world

seems to shake

like a never ending

earthquake

When you feel

like you’re about to break

just please remember

you’ll be okay

Everything you love

is turned to ash

Bridges burned

and no going back

When you see the skies

ignite in flames

never forget what I said

You’ll be okay

Sometimes there isn’t anyone around to let you know everything will be okay. Sometimes all you can do is tell yourself.

And that’s okay