Jordan Antonacci's Blog, page 47

Poem: Only Human

If I could

then I would

save the world

Send my heart in an envelope

to that certain girl

Tell her how she

is my everything

Live in a house with kids

and wedding rings

I’d be free

like the ocean breeze

Soar from the west coast

over to the east

Learn German

then Chinese

Stop the earth

mid spin

so the sunrise

wouldn’t end so quick

I’d make my dreams

chase me

and my fears would never

ever want to face me

I’d move mountains

bounce around the clouds

part them when I needed

some light to rain down

[image error]

I’d rewind

all of my time

go back and undo

all of my crimes

I’d learn from the start

not to shut out light

and to embrace everyone

I so effortlessly left behind

If I could

then I would

put a ladder to heaven

just so I

could hear you voice again

But I’m just human

and I’m rarely happy

Certainly not as much

as I’d like to be

I cry

and I bleed

When I try to be strong

is when I feel most weak

Sometimes I don’t

even wanna do this

but this is me

and I’m only human

Hey peoples! Thanks for stopping by and checking out today’s poetry post on the blog. Hope you liked it. If so, please do leave a like and don’t forget to follow along

Talk soon,

Jordan Antonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

My First Day in California! (Video)

Several days ago, I made a 31 hour cross country road trip, nonstop (minus a 1 1/2 hour nap), from East TN to the West Coast in California. This was a huge step for me as I haven’t lived in even the same city as my family since I moved out when I was 18. Now, for the first time in six years, we’re all back together.

Of course, I’m still in the process of getting situated out here. California is notoriously expensive, but I’ve got this.

Anyway, check out my first vlog video I made while out here. Much more coming. Hope you like it

Poem: I used to be a little boy.

Days

they change

to months

that’ll never stay

Like dandelions

in the wind

the past

just blows away

Scattered

All the colors

of yesterday

today

have faded to grey

I remember that place

called home

on the front porch

I used to play

There used to be

such a magic

to my life

Like holidays

when I’d awake

hoping to see

reindeer

and Santa’s sleigh

“I used to be a little boy

so old in my shoes

What I choose is my voice

What’s a boy supposed to do?

The killer in my is the killer in you

My love”

-Smashing Pumpkins, Disarm

I used to cherish

birthdays

sorbet

and swordplay

But the innocence

of that age

is a playground

on which

I’ll never play

Days

they bleed

into years

with such ease

All I see

are memories

of the boy

I used to be

[image error]

Hey peoples! Thanks for stopping by the blog and checking out today’s piece of poetry. Hope you liked it

Jordan Antonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

Dating Sucks.

Dating can suck. I suppose for some of us more than others…

I’ve never really been into dating. When I hit my teenage years and moved states, I became a recluse, rarely bothering with relationships of any sort. They faded at an increasingly rapid pace as I got older, and eventually, not having a girlfriend was common for me. Family stopped asking and I stopped trying. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but somewhere along the lines of me growing up, bits of me died.

Either that or I became possessed.

I eventually gave up and fully welcomed my social isolation with a wide open, full embrace.

Fast forward five years after high school. By this point, I’ve learned about the illusion of a relationship and just how important human connection is, regardless of how superficial and brief. Cue the beauty of flings and one night stands. Next to that for me were the occasional “sex buddies,” or whatever. I’m a guy who’s roommate is isolation, so those icy encounters never bothered me… but I’d be lying if I said I never wanted more.

Then, like some kind of beautiful train wreck out of the blue, she came into my life. This girl, oh this girl. You know that feeling of certainty? That click? When you have no evidence to go off of but you just somehow know it’s right? From the fist 10 seconds of our encounter, I knew this girl was right. I’d only thought I knew what connection was till that moment. She redefined chemistry and she made me question how well I even knew myself. Everything was so natural. Like a gentle stream, it all flowed with ease.

Photography: 2018 copyright Jordan Antonacci

See, my problem through my whole life was that I’ve always sucked with connecting. I’m…different, and while I embrace my diversity, it’s hard finding edges you fit with. In all my relationships, I always knew something was missing; I just never knew what. But after just five minutes with this girl, I suddenly realized what’d been missing. The lamp I never knew I had just turned on and showed me so much.

So how does something so right go so wrong? Is there such a thing as too much love? Too many feelings? Did we collide in passion like a hurricane and a twister? I need to know because I’ve heard true love is a once in a lifetime type of thing. Considering I didn’t think I’d ever feel something like that, I’m pretty sure that to feel it again would be equivalent to catching lighting in a bottle.

Regardless, I’ve still been trying. Here recently, I’ve been dating more than ever. I go into each one with such high hopes, but by the end of the night I’m left with a bitterness as I realize that spark isn’t coming back. Now I’m just trapped, comparing every girl to her and every feeling to the ones she inflicted upon me.

You and I

we could’ve had

all the skies

You said

this could be

you and me

but only

if you hold me

So I wrapped you

in my arms

and gave you

what little warmth

was in my

dying heart

You showed me

blue and green

All of my

dying dreams

Projected them

onto a screen

then dropped it all

at my feet

Pulled the floor

from underneath

Shattered my heart

and left me to bleed

To the bottom I sink

in a Red Sea

in shallow waters so deep

Full of empty

Everything

we could’ve been

is gone

lost in the wind

And it’s all your fucking fault.

“How the fuck do you sleep

comfortably

knowing what you’ve done did to me?

Did it ever occur to you

that I loved you?”

-Eminem, Die Alone

 

Chasing Dreams like I’m on Novocaine

Once upon a time, there was a boy who dreamt he’d one day have the world. He imagined he’d grow larger than life and have the world at his feet. He’d venture new and old lands, reach out and touch billions of people, see his name in lights, and maybe even wield the power to change lives. He knew it could all be his–infinity at his fingertips and all he had to do was reach. But what he didn’t know was that he was asleep, walking through life. Through every second of everyday, he’d dream, never able to see or hear anything else. Or anyone.

Though intents were not of malice, he plowed a path through crowds of innocence, and in his wake, left mutilated bodies of those who’d tried to love him. But despite the blood, despite the screams, the boy still continued down the path with a smile and head high. Eyes closed as bright dreams roared in his head.

[image error]

I’ve always lived life like something of a gypsy. So much of my time has been lived out of suitcases and on the go. But what else am I to do? Especially when these dreams are always running. I know not any other way to chase them. I have tunnel vision and those enlightening dreams at the end are all I can see. The glistening cloud of hope has been the only thing keeping me feeling alive.

But in the midst of going after what I want, I seem to have forgotten that my actions can effect others. During this chase, I’ve willingly burned bridges and knowingly closed locked doors I didn’t have the keys to. So many relationships I’ve carelessly tossed into the wind without hesitation.

So many.

It’s not that I didn’t care, it’s not that they didn’t matter–it’s just that I’ve been asleep for so long. Dreaming. When I wake up, I hear their cries, and I see the reality of my destruction… So maybe that’s why I’m eager to stay asleep, in a place where nothing is quite as it is.

[image error]

He didn’t know she cared so much. Should he have been awake, maybe then he would’ve heard the beating of her heart. Lub dub, lub dub… Maybe then he could’ve heard her pleas as he crossed a bridge before dousing it with gasoline. But he was fast asleep, lost in skies of purple and fields of cloud. As a tear strolled down her cheek in the glowing orange flames, he walked away. A smile on his face and eyes closed.

Hey peoples! Thanks for stopping by the blog and checking out today’s post. If you missed it, check out last night’s post over my move to California—I’m Coming Home.

If you liked today’s post, please do leave a like and don’t forget to follow along! I’ll chat with you beautiful people soon

Sincerely,

Jordan Antonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

Tip Jar

I’m Coming Home//Learning to Swim

I’ve always chosen to be alone.

[image error]

In a previous post I wrote called, “Don’t you get lonely?”, I touched up on why I’m such a private and keeps-to-himself type of guy.

When I was 18, my family moved to California due to my dad’s work. I chose to stay by myself in a place I hated at the time. This treacherous, scorching hell is known as Dallas, Texas. Looking back, it seems my sense of independence was simply the product of the unawareness and cockiness conjured up by my rebellious youth. Teenagers, amirite? But as life smacked me onto my ass, I quickly became aware, and humbled myself. I suddenly wasn’t as big and tough as I had once felt.

During the few time we spoke after I moved out, my father would always remind me, “You either sink, or you swim.”

Words. That’s all they were to me. Just words. Then I sunk like a lead rock, and as I hit the bottom, heard everything he’d been saying to me.

[image error]

You know when you’re driving and listening to your music real loud and having a great time to yourself? It’s fun, right? But then you realize you need to pay attention to directions, so you turn down the music to better focus on where you’re going.

For the past 6 years, I’ve simply been keeping the music down so that I may focus on where I’m driving. Where I’m swimming. It’s never been that I don’t want to live closer to my family, and it’s quite the opposite, really. I have wanted to. Badly. To me, living near them again would be the ultimate level of happiness. But I’ve always turned from every opportunity to do so because I’ve needed to focus on me, and better myself before taking such a step.

It was a luxury I just couldn’t yet afford. Maybe one day, though.

“But, why?” you still might ask.

I suppose a part of me felt a sense of guilt. I’ve left a lot of carnage in my wake and I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be dragging any of my messes with me. Another part of me wanted to make sure I had me figured out: who I am, what I want, where I’m going… I wanted to make sure I could swim.

As some of you know, 3 months ago, I dropped everything in my life to begin a much needed journey of self-exploration. It was on this journey where I discovered much more about myself and my life then I could’ve imagined ever learning.

I can finally swim, I thought. And that was when I decided it was time.

A couple days ago, I began a 31-hour cross-country road trip from TN to CA (I’ll do a separate post on the trip). This morning at 3 AM, I entered California not to visit, but to stay. Today, after 6 years of swimming lessons, I’m finally back with my family.

I’m finally home.

AND IT’S IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA!!!

[image error]

Though the time I spent so far from my loved ones was rough, I believe it was all necessary to make it to where I am. Now, I can swim better than I ever could.

Hey, everyone! I’ve been pretty busy with this whole transition so I haven’t posted these last few days, and I’m sorry. I’m setup in Cali though, so I’ll be back on track starting tomorrow. Lots of content coming your way

Trust Issues

My problems with relationships was how this blog came to be. It’s beauty was birth from a moment of pure travesty and despair. A moment when I was at my loneliest and at my lowest. It was a marker in my life I promised to never let myself fall back to. And I’ve really tried so hard.

But history has a habit of repeating itself huh? Life is like that. It’ll always smack you back to reality without any warning, never letting you forget who you truly are.

Since beginning this little adventure of mine 2 months ago, I’ve decided not only to travel lands, but my mind as well. I wanted to expand myself. Reach out and cultivate new relationships. So I’ve been doing what everyone’s told me to do since I was an awkward hormonal teenager locked in his room—I’ve been getting out. They said it like that’s all I had to do and everything else would fall into place. Relationships that is. But, all I’ve found is that the more I get out, the more I realize relationships may not be for everybody.

Well, they may be necessary for humans, but then again, maybe I’m just not human.

I can’t trust. I’ve never been able to. The good deeds and kindness of others has always been distorted into something wicked beneath the darkness I project upon them. It’s my fault. There’s nothing anyone could ever do or say to make that part of me believe in their sincerity enough to fall back into it like a trust fall.

No matter how optimistic and bright the beginning, that light always burns out so quick with me. It burns out trying to pour light into my darkness that’s like a bottomless pit. In my world, the dreams I have of relationships and a family fall prey to my delusions. I consume what I love the most. I fear that inside, everyone is as dark and hollow as I am… though I know it’s not true.

No matter what, I know not everyone wants to harm me. Not everyone wants to leave me. Not everyone wants to reject and neglect me. But a brittle, fearful little piece of me can never let itself believe what the rest of me knows. There will always be a “What if?”

So I push away love before it has the opportunity leave me broken.

“I’m barricaded inside, so stop watching. I’m not coming to the door, so stop knocking. I don’t want you to have the opportunity to hurt me…”

-NF

First things first

everyone

in the world

is

an enemy

Even those

that are

a friend to me

Even those

that are

akin to me

Up every hall

in which I walk

I hear them whisper

I hear them talk

Names

they don’t call

follow me

just like

a haunting

You and me

we could blossom

like a rosebud

in spring

But relationships

I build

always

wilt

Killed

by my own hands

You and I stand

no chance

I want to

let you in

but there’s no room

in this prison

This place is

filled up

by me

and fear

Thanks for reading!

Can anybody relate?

Talk soon,

Jordan Antonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

[image error]

Brainfreeze

I sip

and I sip

from you

my forbidden

my delicious

my tasty

treat

But your insides

are just as cold

as they are

sweet

the more

I drink

the colder

you make me

and now

I seem to be

stricken with

a neverending

brainfreeze

Still, I indulge

From you, I cannot pull

Still, I put

you to my lips

hoping that if

I drink enough

I’ll grow

so cold

that I’ll become

numb

Still, the pain

persists

and still, I

sip

Hey peoples! Thanks for stopping by the blog and checking out today’s poem. Hope you liked it! If so, please do leave a like and don’t forget to follow along

Into the Darkness

Like anyone else, I have a side to me I’d rather not let be seen. A side I myself hate to see. And I’d be lying if I said I don’t believe there are shared similarities between each of our faces we keep hidden. We all have a creative side to our brain, and we all have that nagging logical side. We all have a closet of masks we’ve created—who we pretend to be; and we all have the cold hard truth we choose to cover up with those masks.

Then again, maybe not. Maybe I’m just projecting my own darkness upon the rest of the world.

All I know is that this side of me which I keep covered is, by today’s standards, especially frightening. Perhaps “frightening” isn’t the right word. It’s just a side that’s so… real, logical, and raw to such an extent that it’s the most primal, animalistic, and empty thing with thoughts just the same. Given the content of my blog, it’s a side of me that I’d never directly display in any post. But I was watching a new show on Hulu the other day called “Into the Darkness: The Body,” and in one scene the main character (a hit man serial killer) explained to his potential victims the reality of the world and his cold perspective on life.

I’m not sure I’ve ever resonated with something so intensely in my life.

I’ve included the monologue below:

“Would you define yourself as sane?

Everything you do outside of eat sleep shit fuck and kill is considered a symptom of insanity. There was a point during human evolution where some neuron pathway misfired and we all became self aware. That is to say, we became insane. We are balls of flesh and bone on a rock of ice spinning through a dark random universe designed only to survive. But then something happened in our DNA where we went “Hey, wait, what if I matter? What if it’s all about me?” Does a crazy person know he’s crazy? Yes; it’s called a conscience.”

Regarding the risk that I could make myself appear as having the cold detachment of a serial killer, I’m going to go ahead and end this post here. I hope you’ll check out the show on Hulu. It’s prefect for the Halloween Spirit that breathes in us all.

California Dreamin’

I wanna be

in the

suburban

California streets

White sands

of the beach

submerging

my feet

A splash of

salt from the sea

caught in

an ever so gentle breeze

Said I wanna be

in Cali

where it’s always

75

degrees

Beneath

towering palm trees

that always

seem to be

waving

as if to say

Hello

[image error]

Pink skies

A kissing sun

Night drives

by the ocean

Where my heart is free

and mind open

Where I’ll chase my dreams

knowing that

I may never

truly get

ahold of them

Where I’ll go broke

coz it costs too much

like my heart

every time I love

But

more importantly

I wanna be

in Cali

so I may finally

be with

my family

Guys… It looks like my next big trip is back to Cali where I’ll stay for a month. I still have about a month before I get to board that plane but I’m super excited. Then, once my little season of travel is done, it looks like Cali will be the next place I move

Thanks for stopping by and checking out todays poem. If you liked it, please do leave a like and don’t forget to follow along!

Talk soon,

Jordan Antonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

[image error]

Tip Jar