Jordan Antonacci's Blog, page 45

Poem: YOU

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You

She who sings with giggles

even as skies shatter

Like a Blue jay turned red

from the flames it sits in

You

The girl who haunts my dreams

with bittersweet symphonies

A lie that I’d

die to bring to life

Don’t wake me.

Hey You

you oh you

I’m sorry if I stare, but

I’d hate to miss a move

Of anything you do.

I think our hearts beat

to the same tune

I feel it when I sleep

When I enter your room

You

So superficial

with the depth of oceans

Sweet, like artificial

And the rawest emotions

You

The girl calling to be seen

on a phone that won’t ring

In the shadows of taller trees

you’ve lost all but your green

From every Instagram pic

to every text with your ex

all you ever really wanted

was to feel wanted

But I see you

like see-through

In every darkest night

and brightest day

Through the harshest of weather

to the skies of forever

because you and I

we’re meant to be together

Signed,

Yours truly

See you soon.

“The world fell out of love with love at some point.”

-Joe, YOU

YOU | A Poem

You

She who sings with giggles

even as skies shatter

Like a Blue jay turned red

from the flames it sits in

You

The girl who haunts my dreams

with bittersweet symphonies

A lie that I’d

die to bring to life

Don’t wake me.

Hey You

you oh you

I’m sorry if I stare, but

I’d hate to miss a move

Of anything you do.

I think our hearts beat

to the same tune

I feel it when I sleep

When I enter your room

You

So superficial

with the depth of oceans

Sweet, like artificial

And the rawest emotions

You

The girl calling to be seen

on a phone that won’t ring

In the shadows of taller trees

you’ve lost all but your green

From every Instagram pic

to every text with your ex

all you ever really wanted

was to feel wanted

But I see you

like see-through

In every darkest night

and brightest day

Through the harshest of weather

to the skies of forever

because you and I

we’re meant to be together

Signed,

Yours truly

See you soon.

“The world fell out of love with love at some point.”

-Joe, YOU

Hiraeth |the home that doesn’t exist

Hiraeth is a Welsh concept of longing for home, which can be loosely translated as ‘nostalgia’, or, more commonly, ‘homesickness’. Many Welsh people claim ‘hiraeth’ is a word which cannot be translated, meaning more than solely “missing something” or “missing home.”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiraeth

[image error]2019 Jordan Antonacci

Hiraeth – A Poem

I went home, but
you weren’t there
I called out your name, but
you couldn’t hear

This house
doesn’t feel like a home
What’s a home, if
you go back
and find that you’re alone?

Here, I’ve lingered for years
still, this place is new to me
When I revisit, all I find…
an empty shell of what used to be

I’m lost

Roaming this earth like
some lost dog
But every home I go
I don’t belong

Everyone wants an Argentina–a place where the slate is wiped clean. But the truth is, Argentina is just Argentina. No matter where we go, we take ourselves and our damage with us. So is home the place we run to, or is it the place we run from? Only to hideout in places where we’re accepted unconditionally? Places that feel more like home to us. Because we can finally be who we are…

-Dexter Morgan, Dexter

Hiraeth… A beautiful word with an even more beautiful meaning. I stumbled upon it while I was soaring down the wormhole that is Google, searching for “unique” words I could use as song titles for some of my music. That was about a week ago and I haven’t been able to get the word out of my head since. Then again, how could I when this single word describes about 99.9% of my entire life?

Yearning for a home you can’t return to, or that never existed. I step back and everything suddenly becomes clear. It makes sense. Hiraeth. This word is like a light. A spotlight on my life. Maybe I’ve always known the problem, but having a name for it makes it so much clearer. Like a face emerging from the fog. All the otherness, the isolation, the hunger never satisfied… All the searching, the traveling, and the towering expectations that are always broken down by reality. The reality that nothing is as I picture it.

Does everybody experience this feeling at some point in their lives? Or continuously? When I take a step back from my little corner of the world and look at the world as a whole I feel an overwhelming feeling of I belong somewhere else. I find it difficult to believe that not everybody else encounters the same thought at least once.

Then again, I’m aware there are people who’ve actually found places in this world where they belong. I mean, it’s difficult for me to fathom, but I suppose it has to be true, right? To those on solid lands of comfort rather than quicksand, I envy you.

Now, where do I feel like I belong? Everywhere. Nowhere. Both at the same same time. But also, I feel like I belong in a place that isn’t of this world. A place this Earth cannot offer me, no matter where I search or how hard I beg. Maybe that’s because my heart aches for something so much greater. Or maybe that’s because the “home” I’m constantly envisioning has already come and gone. Its life has already been lived, and now, it lies in the past, always calling… But every time I go to answer the phone, there’s no one there.

Will I ever fill this twisting, empty hole and find an antidote to this sickness for a home? Eh… maybe, maybe not. It’s whatever, really. All I can do is search with hope.

And if you too are searching, then my advice is to take advantage of this feeling of hiraeth. Let it guide and pull you. Let your lustful heart wander. Hey. Maybe that’s where you belong after all…

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Thanks for reading.

Sincerely,
Jordan Antonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci
SnapChat: jtantonacci

Poem: Only Human

If I could

then I would

save the world

Send my heart in an envelope

to that certain girl

Tell her how she

is my everything

Live in a house with kids

and wedding rings

I’d be free

like the ocean breeze

Soar from the west coast

over to the east

Learn German

then Chinese

Stop the earth

mid spin

so the sunrise

wouldn’t end so quick

I’d make my dreams

chase me

and my fears would never

ever want to face me

I’d move mountains

bounce around the clouds

part them when I needed

some light to rain down

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I’d rewind

all of my time

go back and undo

all of my crimes

I’d learn from the start

not to shut out light

and to embrace everyone

I so effortlessly left behind

If I could

then I would

put a ladder to heaven

just so I

could hear you voice again

But I’m just human

and I’m rarely happy

Certainly not as much

as I’d like to be

I cry

and I bleed

When I try to be strong

is when I feel most weak

Sometimes I don’t

even wanna do this

but this is me

and I’m only human

Hey peoples! Thanks for stopping by and checking out today’s poetry post on the blog. Hope you liked it. If so, please do leave a like and don’t forget to follow along

Talk soon,

Jordan Antonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

Leaving You | micropoetry

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Leaving you

was like watching

the sunset

in the rearview

-Jordan Antonacci

A Monster in the Rain – Poem

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Days, they race, as

feelings, like seasons, they change

A misplaced name

found written upon

some distant grave

The way I was yesterday

today is but

another bloodstain

A monster in the rain

to the old me,

goodbye, I wave

Ticking away

the clock on my name

while the man in the mirror

is losing is face

Fading to grey

All night, no day

like the color within

is but a blank page

I’m not the same

as pain has made hate

waters are now black

tainted by my rage

I’ll never see

the person

I wanted to be

 

Hey peoples, thanks for stopping by and checking out today’s piece of poetry. If you liked it, I hope you’ll leave a like and follow along for future posts. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on today’s poem.

Talk soon,

Jordan Antonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

Copyright 2019 Jordan Antonacci

 

 

Broken Heartbeat | Poem

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Skin like

a canvas of white

Upon which,

my heartbeat I’ll write

With the blood I bleed

through our years of pain

I’ll take the tears that stream

and use their colors to paint

We’re walking

to the rhythm

of a broken heartbeat

Still

we dance anyway

Dancing in the rain

until the floods

wash us away

Thanks for reading!

Like and follow along

-Jordan Antonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

Broken Heartbeat | Poem

[image error]

Skin like

a canvas of white

Upon which,

my heartbeat I’ll write

With the blood I bleed

through our years of pain

I’ll take the tears that stream

and use their colors to paint

We’re walking

to the rhythm

of a broken heartbeat

Still

we dance anyway

Dancing in the rain

until the floods

wash us away

Thanks for reading!

Like and follow along

-Jordan Antonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

Journal Entry 1: The Boy’s Mind

2:28 AM

Tues. 2/25/14

The boys mind tosses and turns

like a bipolar insomniac in the middle of the night

he can’t decide.

He can’t make the decision, any decision

that may aid in solidifying a personal persona

Is he this, is he that?

Is he nothing?

Where does he want to stay

who does he want to be? And why

does he feel like his mind is a totally separate person from who he is?

His identity is in the wind,

guided by a consistently random forecast.

Some days his mind is tossed, twisted in tornadoes

others, it rests peacefully at the top of a maple tree, able to see all

He’s lost, then found

He’s blank.

Paint either squirts upon the canvas

or is gently brushed

And no matter the picture

The next day is a blank canvas

Lost, floating in an infinite space

full of nameless doors

he is deathly determined

to find the door

revealing who he truly is.

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So I thought this would be interesting.

For the past 5 years, I’ve used the same journal. Since I started blogging my entries in it became less and less frequent. But I flipped back to the beginning (this would be a period following my last stay at a psychiatric hospital) and found it extremely interesting, reflecting on my mental state from that time.

If you don’t keep a journal, I’d highly recommend it. It’s a good way to stay organized, productive, and it’s the strangest thing to have this window, always offering a glimpse into your state of mind. The entries are kind of like bookmarks.

I intend to post more, just because my writing from back then is so… weird, and the entries kind of tell a little story.

Anyway.

Till next time,

Jordan Antonacci

Instagram: jordanantonacci

SnapChat: jtantonacci

Not Ready to Die

Hello fellow bloggers, readers:

This isn’t a feel good post–one which ventures out in search of likes and new followers. It’s a reality post–the kind some will stop reading because it offers to shed a light onto something they’ve pushed to the dark.

In this post, I’d like to revisit a topic that I’ve previously written over (as have many other bloggers); and that topic is regarding the brittleness of a precious beauty that goes by the simple name of Life.

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Recently, I encountered a situation which sort of opened my eyes. Well, pried may be a better word. After the encounter, when I gathered myself, I wrote down this thought: You don’t know fear, till it comes to greet ya. You don’t know life, till it says see ya. I’ll very briefly explain this encounter later in this post. First, I’d like to ask you one of two questions:

Have you ever had a near-death-experience? Think about that for a moment. I don’t just mean, have you ever been in an airplane that took a nosedive into the face of a mountain and you still survived? What I mean is, have you ever had a moment where, for whatever reason, you thought you were staring at your road’s end? Maybe you thought you were having a heart attack or thought that guy wasn’t going to stop at his red light… Hell, in a sense it seems like simply being alive is a near-death experience. Especially in today’s world.

Life is fleeting. So beautiful, fragile… so brief. When I think of life, I think of a large grandfather clock dangling from a thin piece of string over a bottomless black hole. A tad unnerving, I know.

About that encounter…

So, I’m an “addict.” I say “addict” because, though I don’t abuse drugs regularly, I’ve gone back and for the with them long enough to say I have a very addictive personality. Addiction itself is a very serious and dangerous game. With the ongoing opioid epidemic, the number of overdoses are at an all time high. On top of that, there’s these counterfeit pills flooding the streets–most of which are laced. On this desolate, broken road of abuse, I’ve certainly had my share of moments where I feared my road had reached a dead end…

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I imagine you see where I’m going with this.

So let me ask you that second question: If you’ve had a near-death experience, or strongly feared for your life, what was it you thought about? Where did your mind go? Maybe it was quick and all you thought was, Oh shit! Or maybe you’re a hypochondriac and diagnosed yourself with cancer and only 6 months to live. The internet, amirite? Regardless, what did you think? When you found out you’d be okay, what went through your mind?

For me, I felt an overwhelming sense of fear. Not for me or my life. Not for my roads untraveled–because I’ve lived. I’m satisfied. The fear I felt was for those closest to me. I wondered, and feared what they may feel. That thought alone made me feel like I wasn’t ready.

Finding what matters…

I find that too many of us strategically flood our spare time with simple pleasures and empty relationships. We purposely live in a haze and can’t ever see clearly. For me, it’s only when I spend lengths of time alone that I can actually sit down face to face with that monster known as reality, and see everything around me for what it is. I see what’s important, where to go… I see life.

And I won’t lie, that haze is nice. It lends us comfort in a world of cold hard truths. For the past few months, I’ve been living in it. Till I did something stupid.

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I believe people are aware. I believe they know what is important, what matters–but I don’t believe they know how important their treasures are. At least, not until they’re staring at their road’s end.

You don’t know fear, till it comes to greet ya.

You don’t know life, till it says see ya.

 

Thanks for reading, guys. Truly hope you enjoyed it. If you feel you didn’t take anything from this, that’s fine. This post is merely a perspective on a lesson that requires an unwelcomed experience.

Take care,

Jordan Antonacci
Instagram: jordanantonacci
SnapChat: jtantonacci