Ira Heinichen's Blog, page 101

Day 3,391: Fear

I think I realized today that I’m afraid of my grief. And it doesn’t take me long to figure out what, exactly, I’m afraid of: I’m afraid that my grief will consume my life. I’m afraid that I’ll get stuck, and everything I’ve worked for will slip away.

My brother completed suicide the fall after I graduated college. I really struggled after I graduated. It took me, I’d say, seven years after that happened to really feel like I’d found my place again in my own life. I distinctly remember feelin...

Day 3,390: Fits and Starts

I might have reached a critical mass today with the tears. I mean…take that with a giant grain of salt, because grief will surprise you, BUT…the tears don’t seem so close tonight.

I still feel worn out. I still don’t know what to do with myself. And the panic is still in my chest. I don’t know when that’s going to pass, to be honest with you. I remember with my brother it took a long long time. Years. My gut tells me it won’t be that long this time, despite the intensity and depth of how much...

Day 3,389: I’ve Lived Lives

I’ve died twice.

I died the day my brother took his own life. And I died two days ago when I let Coco go.

What weighs on my chest tonight is that I have to rebuild everything. I am starting over, now. Once again, I must climb the mountain back to joy and inspiration and normalcy. And that mountain is so tall, you guys. It’s so big.

Some of you won’t understand. But, Coco was my everything. Her smell, and her sounds, and the touch of her fur on my fingers, and the sight of her sweet face...

Day 3,388: I Love You Coco

It’s the change in tense that’s the hardest. From is to was. From love to loved. And it’s because for me, the tense hasn’t changed. It will never should, and should never change. Coco is my love. I love her.

A really hard day, you guys. One of the hardest of my life. Right up there with when my brother died tragically. The grief is overwhelming. I feel flattened by it. Spent. Utterly defeated.

She was my everything. Literally every thought of every day took her into account, considered her...

Day 3,387: Unprepared

I said goodbye to Coco today.

I wasn’t ready.

I’ve spent quite a bit of time recently thinking about how she’s getting older, and how I really needed to pay attention to these days, these good times, and cherish them. And I did. I truly did soak it all up and enjoy it. But, what I didn’t anticipate was that would do nothing to prepare me for when she actually went.

All the times were good, you guys. Every single second. Coco was perfect. I built my entire life around her every day. I lo...

Day 3,386: Pancreatitis?

So…no surgery for Coco today.

Neurologist saw her, they put her under for an MRI, and that imaging didn’t show a ruptured disc anywhere. Maybe a sliiiiight one, but nothing that would require surgery. It didn’t explain the pain and the loss of mobility we’ve witnessed. So, they pivoted to an MRI of her abdomen. That, too, was inconclusive BUT showed a significant amount of irritation. They’re now suspecting pancreatitis. Can’t say for sure yet, though. Not until she sees an internist tomorrow...

Day 3,385: Another Surgery?

Coco had to go back into the hospital today. She was worse last night—restless and couldn’t fall asleep until we drugged her—and this morning. She couldn’t hardly use her back legs at all. So, Liz took her to the ER.

The ER vet thinks it’s likely she’s ruptured another disc, and she needs surgery if she’s going to keep mobility in her back legs. That’s two back surgeries in three months. Coco’s staying overnight at the hospital so the neurologist can see her first thing in the morning and giv...

Day 3,384: Busy Sunday

I had a very busy day today. But, somehow…not in a stressful, overwhelmed kind of way. I think part of it, honestly, was that it was beautiful today. Just gorgeous. Clear blue skies, cool temps, warm (but not hot) sun…

It would have been a perfect day to play golf. I really want to do that one of these days. But, I’ve been using the weekend days lately to work on the yard. And I did that today. Put down much of the rest of the black plastic we’re using to kill all our weeds. By “most” I mean ...

Day 3,383: Droogz

Coco already passed out. High on droogz. Or, well…not high. Not those kinds of droogz. But…sleepy.

We’re taking her to the neurologist on Wednesday. Really hoping they tell us that everything is fine. That she’s just going to have issues now with slippery surfaces, but that doesn’t mean anything’s gone wrong with her back.

Sigh.

Really is so very stressful to have her so…fragile. So old, I guess. She’s okay, but it’s a tenuous okay. A vigilant okay. We always have to be watching, and it...

Day 3,382: Le Quick

Writing a super quick one because it’s already past 1 in the morning…

Had a great time podcasting with Josh. The David Lynch deep dive continues! Turns out maybe he’s not quite so weird and hard to understand as most of us think. It’s all pretty much there.

Work was solid today. Have a liiiittle bit that I still have to finish over the weekend, but nothing crazy. Writing was solid. Not great…but solid.

And now…the weekend. Need some rest. A time to catch up on work around the house.

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