Ira Heinichen's Blog, page 97

Day 3,397: Joy’s First Rave

Feeling very grateful for our friends tonight.

The Clements dropped by some goodies and hung out for a few minutes. And we spent the afternoon having a late lunch/early dinner with Liz and Ali. Our dining room table is covered right now with flowers and cards and thoughtful gifts from other family members and friends. All offering their love and condolences for Coco. It’s really…wonderful. It helps, it really does, seeing and feeling that outpouring of support and sympathy. Makes me feel less...

Day 3,396: Late!

Tis late. Podcasted with Josh. We didn’t actually get to watch the film we were supposed to because it’s not actually available to rent or buy anywhere digitally. How crazy is that?! So…we recorded the rest of our stuff anyway and hung out. Watched an episode of Deep Space Nine. It was glorious.

Now…bed time. Night night.

Day 3,395: So-so

A so-so day.

I didn’t have a full-on panic/grief-attack today. It did come, but it was more subdued. And I got incredibly tired in the afternoon and had to take a nap.

We had a little bit of a rough night. Didn’t get great sleep. Woke up several times because of some noises. But, not too bad. Noises we can get used to. And they shouldn’t last forever.

Need to finish the finances tomorrow. Have to. Gonna get on that early. That’s the plan. I did, however, pay off all our bills, including...

Day 3,394: Thump Thump

Had a solid day today. The most solid day I’ve had…well, I guess not that long, but it FEELS like so much longer.

No writing this morning. Sigh. But, Netflix work was great. Helped Liz with a really good audition. We had lunch together almost like normal. It’s…getting better. Slowly but surely.

Still a hard day. We said goodbye to Coco exactly a week ago. Just wrecked that day. I remember it vividly. Her crying. How she felt when I held her. The sadness of everyone in the hospital. It was ...

Day 3,393: My Valentine

We spent Valentine’s day with the Kings, sharing some joy. It was perfect.

Otherwise…I worked. Had a panic/sadness attack come around 3pm, but it subsided. My thought of the day on grief is that it’s uncontrollable. It just comes. My brain has absolutely no control over it, I just have to ride the wave. Somehow, that’s actually a little bit comforting. It means I’m not doing anything wrong. It is what it is no matter what I do.

I love you so much, Bear. You are my greatest joy. This is our...

Day 3,392: What is time?

Time is a slippery thing. It’s giving me mind whiplash today.

A week ago was my last “normal” morning with Coco. She’d had trouble sleeping the night before. I was worried. But, we woke up that morning and she was happy to see me. A stretch in bed, a little of her favorite move—the wiggle worm—and then running into my arms when I gestured her to and we went out to potty, made breakfast, she ate it all up, and then I took her back to bed for “second sleep.”

It seems like years ago, and it s...

Day 3,391: Fear

I think I realized today that I’m afraid of my grief. And it doesn’t take me long to figure out what, exactly, I’m afraid of: I’m afraid that my grief will consume my life. I’m afraid that I’ll get stuck, and everything I’ve worked for will slip away.

My brother completed suicide the fall after I graduated college. I really struggled after I graduated. It took me, I’d say, seven years after that happened to really feel like I’d found my place again in my own life. I distinctly remember feelin...

Day 3,390: Fits and Starts

I might have reached a critical mass today with the tears. I mean…take that with a giant grain of salt, because grief will surprise you, BUT…the tears don’t seem so close tonight.

I still feel worn out. I still don’t know what to do with myself. And the panic is still in my chest. I don’t know when that’s going to pass, to be honest with you. I remember with my brother it took a long long time. Years. My gut tells me it won’t be that long this time, despite the intensity and depth of how much...

Day 3,389: I’ve Lived Lives

I’ve died twice.

I died the day my brother took his own life. And I died two days ago when I let Coco go.

What weighs on my chest tonight is that I have to rebuild everything. I am starting over, now. Once again, I must climb the mountain back to joy and inspiration and normalcy. And that mountain is so tall, you guys. It’s so big.

Some of you won’t understand. But, Coco was my everything. Her smell, and her sounds, and the touch of her fur on my fingers, and the sight of her sweet face...

Day 3,388: I Love You Coco

It’s the change in tense that’s the hardest. From is to was. From love to loved. And it’s because for me, the tense hasn’t changed. It will never should, and should never change. Coco is my love. I love her.

A really hard day, you guys. One of the hardest of my life. Right up there with when my brother died tragically. The grief is overwhelming. I feel flattened by it. Spent. Utterly defeated.

She was my everything. Literally every thought of every day took her into account, considered her...