Matt Gordon's Blog, page 13

This Nibbling Societal Decay

A sign that the end is upon us, or that it possibly should be, is the case of Joshua Welch. You’ve probably heard of this boy, now 8 years old, who was suspended from school (when 7) for chewing his Pop Tart into the shape of a gun.

I’ve been chewing baby carrot daggers since I had teeth in my head, so I’m not sure I’m totally unbiased, but to punish a kid for this act is totally absurd.

Equally absurd, however, and an act that may show how out of touch they are, the NRA rewarded the boy. Just...

Quit Making Excuses, Do It or Else

Haven’t bought your copy of The Monkeys of God yet? Holding out? Hate reading? Blind? Hate me? Well, whatever your lame excuse is, I’m here today to dispel it. Here are some reasons why you should purchase this book regardless of your excuse:

I don’t have time to read!

I had a friend finish my book the other day. He openly admitted—in private, in a “do not tell anyone this” sort of way—that he read the entire thing while on the toilet. Now this was not all in one trip, I would assume, but each...

Defying Expectations/Logic/Common Sense to a 35-17 Record

This is the worst best Cardinals team I can remember. Let me count the ways we should be bad:

-The number 2 pitcher is out for the season (Carpenter). Maybe.

-The number 3 pitcher is out for the season (Garcia). Definitely.

-The number 1 pitcher may not be ready to be a number 1 as he continues to recover from Tommy John surgery (Wainwright).

-The number 4 (or is it 5?) pitcher has been hurt for the better part of May (Westbrook).

-The other number 4 (or is it 5?) pitcher is a rookie who had an up...

The Lines are In: My Tennis Career Begins

We use the same tired, old sentences, don’t we? I’m going to work. I’ll be home at 6. Did you get the milk? What’s the weather gonna be like? We could go on and on listing the things we say that we’ve said before. And that is why I am so elated to utter something completely new. It is this: “I played tennis after work yesterday.”

That’s right, as hobbies go, well, they are much like our sentences: the same old things, over and over again. There is nothing wrong with this, of course, but there...

The Comment Section

Today I read a few online articles, and then, because of some masochistic soul-crushing agenda I must subconsciously have, I read the comments section. Many of the comments contained coarse language and others contained horse language (language that should only be used when breaking a wild stallion on a wild west ranch). Most comments were deplorably illogical, preachy, and sort of diminished my view, for a few minutes, of mankind.

But what I realized with many of the comments, between the har...

The Unseen Within

One of my favorite things about Harry Potter is his invisibility cloak. Oh, what freedom the ability to disappear would afford—for good or evil.

I remember that particular power—invisibility—being brought up as a youngster. Around campfires or huddled together at some basement sleepover, we boys would plot on having this power, and always our use of it boiled down to stealing things and peeping on girls. Then later, I recall the topic coming up as a young man and, yep, the uses stayed the same...

Fast & Furious 6: Literally Mind-Blowing

Fast & Furious 6 is out now! Can you believe it is finally here! The jaw-dropping, in-your-face, utterly mindless thrill ride ends this weekend! BAMO!

Here is the synopsis from IMDB: “Hobbs has Dom and Brian reassemble their crew in order to take down a mastermind who commands an organization of mercenary drivers across 12 countries. Payment? Full pardons for them all.”

And that is one of the things I like so much about this gold-standard franchise. Much like other powerhouse franchise masterpi...

The Junk-Toting Others

A hundred-mile yard sale began yesterday near my home. From my vehicular vantage point, cruising along the route, here are some things I saw for sale: tractors, jet skis, boats, automobiles, homes, crock pots, stuffed animals, tricycles, bicycles, wagons, trailers, fifth wheels, spare tires, ceramic lawn ornaments, shovels, chiffarobes, dressers, and sofas. I presume, had I stopped and browsed the inventory more closely, I would have been met with: puzzles, pipes, cutlery, weather vanes, anti...

Another Day’s Complaints

It is stormy today, and I’ll likely complain. My shoes will get wet and, subsequently, my feet will get cold. Driving will be made more difficult and I won’t be able to do much outside, even though I don’t particularly yearn to do anything outside–it is the choice of the matter that I’m thinking of, and losing that will be the object of my ire.

It isn’t at all like yesterday. Yesterday was sunny. Too sunny. I didn’t have sunglasses, and the car ride home was a painful squint of a thing. Plus,...

Forgiving Your Parents

Growing up, I remember thinking my dad could beat up your dad. I thought my father moonlit as a superior version of Superman. He’d see that we kids were neatly tucked away and then nip out to save widows, orphans, and stray dogs. And then one day my dad had surgery. It wasn’t some huge ordeal, just an attempt to surgically repair a lingering knee issue—perhaps an injury attained from his years of late night heroics? Of course, he told us it was from playing sports as a young man, but he was p...