Iyabo Ojikutu's Blog, page 3
November 19, 2018
Live to Give
As we wake up every single day, we are given breath so we can give to others.
Can you remember the last time you gave selflessly to someone?
As you read that question, I bet the giving of material things immediately came to mind.
Some of you are probably wondering how you can give money and your stuff to others when you’re struggling to pay your bills, pay for your education or your kids’ education, support your parents,
put food on the table, build up your savings, and so on.
How can you give when you have no money left over? How can you give when you have personal debt to pay off?
Giving does not have to be material items or money.
When was the last time you uplifted someone by an unexpected kind word, by a smile when they expected hostility from you?
Do you give back hostility for hostility? Negativity for negativity? Or do you find peace within yourself to say nothing, breathe, forget the hurt that has been done to you, and move on? Or maybe
offer a kind word of sorts to those who hurt you, and then move on?
When was the last time you encouraged someone to keep going even as they were about to give up? Called, texted, or emailed someone to check in with them, to tell them you’re thinking of them?
Do you give up your time to uplift people outside your family members, outside your inner circle? Make time out of your busy schedule to meet someone who needs some inspiration or encouragement
from you? Or who is interested in the work you do and needs you as a mentor?
If you’re an employer, aside from giving raises, what else do you do to empower your staff? A note telling them how hardworking they are? Supporting them in times of personal or family crises?
Giving paid time off when they have personal items to deal with? Unexpected meals or treats?
Some tips for family members: a back rub, a kiss, or a spontaneous hug for your children or partner/spouse, showing love and affection randomly, but especially when they’re going through a rough
patch.
Sometimes the very people who are closest to us are the ones we forget to show love, affection, and caring to. We love all others outside the home. We are at our best for friends, colleagues,
even strangers, but we sometimes don’t smile with, laugh with, or tell our closest ones how much we love them. We may forget to acknowledge them or give them loving, kind, or uplifting words.
We get into our go-go-go routines at home, often even forgetting to look into our loved ones’ eyes, but we get to the outside world and show love to strangers! What an irony!
We must make our children, spouses, and our life partners a priority with our time. We must be there for them and honor them by giving them our time and affection.
As the saying goes, “Charity begins at home.”
We live to give.
We live to love.
We live to uplift.
We live to inspire.
We live to empower.
We live to encourage.
We must do all this to fully thrive in life.
We now understand we don’t need to give material items or money to necessarily be givers. The intangible giving by making use of our gifts, our time, and our attention is often more meaningful
than giving things. More things just lead to clutter anyway.
Giving your stuff to people just transfers the clutter from your home to theirs.
Giving of your gifts, talents, wisdom, and time helps to declutter their souls and to uplift them and give them peace. With the exception of money or vital items needed for life survival, of
course. Food, clothing, toiletries, school supplies, money for shelter, helping a homeless person, contributing to a women’s shelter, etc. These are humane ways to contribute our money and
resources to help others survive and thrive.
I know we get it so far.
We can give our talents, our gifts, our time, and our affection, along with kind words, a smile, a hug, an encouraging note to someone.
Money and material stuff are not the only ways to give.
Now, we must discuss a few caveats to giving:
·
When we give, we must not expect anything in return.
· We cannot give
stuff, presents, meals, or even sex to someone to earn their love or attention. This is not giving. This is called manipulation, and it will backfire.
· Boundaries must
still be in place. A friend, colleague, or even romantic partner or spouse who uses or abuses you physically, emotionally, or psychologically does not deserve your giving. If you’re being
physically abused, you must seek help immediately. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
· Do not become a
slave to others’ manipulation. Do not allow your inner value to be crushed by anyone.
· Do not give of
yourself to the point of exhaustion. Take care of yourself spiritually, physically, and emotionally first so you can have enough to pour in to others.
· Say NO when
needed.
· You must first
flourish and thrive before helping others to flourish and thrive.
So yes, the overall purpose of our existence is to give to others and make the world a better place than when we entered it.
Brighten up someone’s day just a little more.
Give someone hope again.
Remember the forgotten.
Uplift those who feel sad or dejected.
This Thanksgiving, my hope is that you take some moments to give these things to someone who least expects it.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
May you all be permanently happy while giving and receiving.
November 5, 2018
Gratitude and Fortitude
mind that you need to live a peaceful life.
Let’s start by defining both words:
Fortitude is the strength of mind that allows one to ENDURE pain or adversity with COURAGE.
The definition of gratitude is more familiar to most people. Gratitude is the state of being grateful: the state of THANKFULNESS.
As I pondered the blog post topic or the beginning of the holiday season—Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year—I went through the choices of just asking readers what they are thankful for, what they
have overcome this year, or what they even may be thankful for in advance—their hopes and dreams for the next year.
As usual, as I’ve shared in other blog posts, I get a lot of content for my writing in the shower or very first thing in the morning as I wake up.
So in early October while taking a shower, the combination of the words gratitude and fortitude came to me out of the blue. Something spoke to me about how much more thankful and
appreciative of my life I have become the more I have experienced adversity.
The downs, adversities, disappointments, and pain have really increased my thankfulness quotient. Thankfulness for every single aspect of my life. The more thankful I become, the more
fortitude I also develop. The more fortitude I develop, the more thankful I become for my life. One feeds off the other.
So just by the mere action of being grateful for all that I have, I have been able to experience more courage, strength, and confidence to face adversity (also known as fortitude), and I
actually view them all as lessons and tools for growth.
If my life had been devoid of adversity, how could I possibly have realized how blessed and well positioned I am?
So instead of asking everyone what they were grateful for, I thought I’d approach it from the gratitude and fortitude dimension.
Going to medical school at age 16 and graduating at 22 was the first step in building up my fortitude quotient. Graduating as an MD despite all the
rigors of medical school needed a lot of courage and gratitude.
Leaving my home country of Nigeria at age 23 and moving to the UK, then the US, were not adversities of course, but those moves were brave, and living on three continents with all the cultural
and societal changes have certainly helped me develop more fortitude and gratitude.
Going through pregnancy, gaining over 60 pounds each time, having two kids, getting myself back in shape, watching my babies grow up, being a single parent for a very long time, has reinforced my
gratitude and fortitude quotients.
Quitting a full-time job as a physician after only nine months of employment, staying unemployed for 15 months while running around getting ready to open my own private practice from scratch, and
being pregnant during that 15 month period were some of my strongest teachers of gratitude and fortitude.
Losing loved ones is tough. My sister and father have passed away in the last several years. Difficult to feel gratitude for losing them, but I have
learned how to do so by focusing on (1) the roles they played in my life while they were alive, and (2) the many other lives they touched. So my heart is grateful for their lives well lived, and
their loss has built up my fortitude.
And, well, last but not least…my divorce. If nothing else will strengthen, increase, and fortify your gratitude and fortitude meters, divorce will. The process that leads you to the decision of divorce, the ups and downs in your marriage, the legal process itself, the
concern for your kids’ well-being, the disappointment you experience with friends who take sides…all these will prepare you for anything else in life. However, handling it all as a trouper,
thinking positively, praying through it, taking care of your inner and outer peace, and planning for a brighter future all come together to help you be the most grateful you could ever be about
life, and to have loads of fortitude.
I thank God every day for that one decision I made. It was tough, but it’s the one soul-freeing decision I’ve ever made for myself and my daughters.
So there you go.
These are my key personal life happenings that have built me up into this person who is full of gratitude for her life and this person who is very courageous about life.
I am thankful for each and every one of these life events. They are who I am. I have no regrets about any of them. They make up my life story. They give me stories to tell and share to help
others build fortitude and gratitude in their personal lives.
This holiday season, I will be reflecting on all my life happenings and will continue to thank God for them, to thank Him for strengthening me, giving me courage, and building me up into a woman
of fortitude, a woman with lots of gratitude.
A woman whose faith is strong.
A woman who is deeply thankful for her life.
What are your stories of gratitude and fortitude?
What has your life, your past, your present taught you?
Have you learned how to be grateful and fortified for all those happenings in your life? Or are you still feeling regret, remorse, sadness, resentment, anger toward a person or
people or situation?
My hope for you is that you can let all those negative feelings out of your heart space and replace them with gratitude, fortitude, and faith.
Happy beginning of holiday season 2018!
May we all be permanently happy by learning to be grateful in all circumstances and then learn to be strong and courageous!
October 15, 2018
Benefit of Cyberspace Connections: My personal Wake-Up Call!
My blog post on September 3 was about the realities of loneliness in today’s world. A key reason for loneliness is our ever-so-digitalized world. We now equate our popularity and importance with
the number of followers we have, rather than on fostering real, authentic, face-to-face friendships. Advancing technology has its pros and cons. Loneliness is one of its cons.
I’ve recently realized one of the pros of advancing technology.
Social media has given me a wake-up call to how it can be used to foster better connections with people. Not once, not twice, but a few times in the past few months, in similar ways. I’ve
realized how getting accustomed to people’s behavior patterns online can help you figure out if everything is going well with them.
As I post varying messages on Instagram and Facebook and engage with people online, I also notice the people who post on their pages, the frequency with which they do so, and their content.
There are also people who tend to comment more frequently on your posts. Some will view your stories. Some won’t. Some post daily, some a few times a week. Social media is interesting, as
everyone has their online behavior patterns.
What is the advantage of this? What do we learn by viewing other people’s posts and reading their messages and stories online? What does this online engagement do for us? The advantages are
multifold and are different for each of us.
Some people want to genuinely learn more, be inspired, and grow personally from the content of the posts they read. Some want to buy or sell products or services, or grow their personal brands.
Some want to be on top of current news, and some are online so they can snoop on what others are doing, period. No intention to learn anything. Just to find out what others are up to.
However, there is another big reason why we are all online. At least, I got that wake-up call this past spring and early summer.
On Instagram and Facebook, I noticed the online patterns had changed for four friends. Two I had never met face to face. We had become cyberspace friends who liked each other’s posts, commented
on our posts, and once in a while sent each other private messages.
I had stopped seeing posts by those two women. Weeks passed, and I wondered what was going on. I sent a few private messages. One responded on the same day, but I received no answer from the
other for several days. I grew increasingly worried. Finally, this friend responded.
They both told me they had been going through tough times recently. One was bittersweet—she was pregnant but had had a difficult time early in the pregnancy. The other was having a relapse of her
depression and had decided to take time off from posting on social media. I encouraged them and made sure I reminded the lady going through depression to seek professional help medically and/or
with a mental health provider.
They both had posted and promoted wholesome healthy living with exercise, healthy eating, inner peace, etc., on their social media pages. I was sad to hear about what they had been going through.
The third woman, a friend I had met, hadn’t commented on any of my posts or posted anything on her page for several months. I had not reached out to her, as I kept putting it off, but I then
bumped into her a few weeks ago with her college-age child. Her voice was a lot softer than before, and she’d lost some weight. She told me she’d been diagnosed with invasive cancer about six
months ago. I was devastated!
I questioned myself. Why hadn’t I reached out when I’d been thinking of it and had noticed a change in her online behavior?
The fourth case is still unraveling. I have stopped seeing any posts in the last several weeks from a woman I’d met on social media and also face to face. I had reached out in every possible way,
and also contacted people who know her to reach out to her, but no response. However, I was finally reassured she’s doing OK, from some feedback from a mutual friend.
So there you go. That has been my personal wake-up call to a benefit of social media connections—noticing when the patterns of people close to you, or who you’ve developed a relationship with,
change online, and you try your best to reach out to them to be that positive influence they may desperately need.
I’m not a snooper. I do not concern myself with people’s private or personal affairs, but I am tuned in and sensitive to people I develop relationships with. I know this of myself in day-to-day
real-life friendships and relationships, but I’ve now discovered this is also true of cyberspace connections.
So I hope this post will be a wake-up call to you also. Please reach out to friends or cyberspace friends whose online behavior changes.
You may just be that person they need to hear from. You may be that person who will remind them that there are people who still care for them, who will give them hope, encourage them, and inspire
them to never give up.
May we be permanently happy by tuning in to our cyberspace and non-cyberspace friends and being that shoulder they can lean on when they desperately need it.
October 1, 2018
A Letter to All My Little Black Daughters
I hear you. I see you. This post has a letter from me to you.
I have two daughters—20 and 14 years old. They are my world. They are my best friends. I love to cook with them, drive around town with them, travel and explore the world with them, laugh
hysterically with them, cry with them when needed, listen to all their stories—school stories, friend stories, good, not so good, and stories of their day-to-day happenings and struggles.
I loved to read to them when they were little and to feed them, even through tightly pouted lips that didn’t want to taste any veggies. I loved to wash their thick, curly, vibrant hair and brush
and comb through every lock until my wrists ached. The end product was always worth it though—the two thick, bouncy, perfect curl balls: pigtails. Super-cute end product that made me a proud mom
as I dressed them up, curly pigtails and all, and ventured out into the world with them. I loved to observe the twinkle in their brown eyes as they discovered every new layer of life as it
unfolded before them.
It was a delight watching them grow. Grow into their own persons, their own individuality, into their own character. Today we have girl conversations about a wide variety of topics. I now have
two best friends who also happen to be my daughters. Best friends who I’m still raising in one sense or the other. Balancing allowing them to have their own thoughts and their own voices with
still being that light, that guide, that provider, that clarifier, and that steady rock they still need to keep growing emotionally and spiritually. Especially here in America, where they were
born and are being raised.
I grew up in Lagos, Nigeria—a different world. Everyone was brown where I was raised. Different shades of brown, from mulatto to the most beautiful ebony black. We all had curly hair, from tight
curls to looser curls. Yes, this changed when we discovered the hot combs and potent relaxers laden with chemicals to aid in straightening out our beautiful tight curls. I must admit, I did
quickly get into the never-ending cycle of straightening and retouching my hair every four to six weeks to keep those tight kinky curls nice and straight and easy to comb through. Then were the
times I just loved having my hair braided, then in cornrows. Then the extreme times where I just wanted to wear my hair in a short, natural boy cut. I had ever-changing hairstyles, all of which
made me feel beautiful and confident.
I remember admiring every beautiful black girl and young woman on the pages of Ebony and Jet magazines, and just dreaming of one day living in America. It seemed
like the place to be.
I did achieve that dream. I moved to the US in 1998. I’ve achieved a lot of my dreams—mom, physician, business owner. And some I didn’t dream of or hope for but that came into my world, and I
embraced them—author, blogger, speaker at the United Nations.
Leaving Nigeria, West Africa, at the age of 23 and immersing myself into first the UK, where I practiced as a physician from ’93–’98, and then the US from ’98–date, has opened my eyes to some
unfortunate realities in this place we call life.
I was reading the August 18 edition of the Economist, and this one particularly attracted my attention, as the headline on the cover was “Modern Love: Dating in the Digital Age.”
I read the article. It stated the pros and cons of online dating. I was relieved to discover the rate of divorce is actually declining because online dating allows people to find what they are
looking for in a partner, as you can be as selective as you want. If you find what you’re looking for in a partner up front, and you’re more compatible, that union is more likely to stand the
test of time.
I was also excited to discover that interracial coupling and interracial marriages have reached an all-time high as a result of online dating. People are now able to finally leave their
homogenous groups and get to meet people of varied race.
There was one part that has given me an unsettled feeling and is the main reason I’m writing this letter to all my little black daughters.
A study was conducted in 2014 to find out the desirability ranking among races. This was taken as an average across four American cities. This was the result in a nutshell:
Desirability ranking:
Asian women
White men
Hispanic women
White women
Black men
Hispanic men
Asian men
Black women
Asian women being the most desirable and black women being the least desirable. The gap between Asian men and black women was quite wide, meaning black women were really much lower than all other
groups in terms of desirability.
Wow! My soul went into a state of all sorts of emotions. Really? What would a young black girl think if she read or was told this? That she was the least desirable of all races in America? How
would she feel?
Iyabo, you have an important role to play here, my mind told me. Your voice is needed here.
Well, I went straight to the internet to first find out the reasons for this. The Economist did not elaborate on the reasons. I kind of knew some of the reasons already, but I still wanted
to find out more.
Well, I did! I found out a lot! Study after study after study said the same thing.
The full details of my findings are beyond the scope of this blog. However, in summary, the reasons for Asian women being desirable by all men—white, black men…all men—made me sick to my stomach.
Very sick to my stomach!
More than half the reasons were based on sexual fetishes around Asian women—their petite size and other sexual practices I can’t specify here. Also, their perceived “submissive nature and quiet,
sweet nature,” which men like. A few men listed Asian women being well educated and hardworking in nature. However, it was a minority of men who listed this as a reason. The majority first listed
the physical appearance of Asian women in relation to men’s sexual fetishes and Asian women’s sweet, submissive nature.
Some black men are desirable to white women and Asian women, hence their much higher ranking than black women.
White men are desirable to many women of all races, hence their second ranking.
White women were lower than I’d thought they’d be. That was shocking. The two reasons that stuck out to me in the studies were that some men think white women are too materialistic and that they
tend to cheat on their partners.
Well, as you can imagine, there were many reasons for the low ranking for black women. Many sad, unfortunate ones. “Angry black woman” stereotyping was in there, of course. Too overweight, low
education, not pretty or attractive enough...I imagine due to our darker skin tone and naturally curly hair, etc., etc., and on and on.
By the way, I have personally encountered angry Asian women. Many! At the dry cleaner’s, at the Chinese takeaway, at the nail shop, even a couple I went out with a few years ago. He was white
American; she was Japanese. My then boyfriend, my daughters, this couple, and their daughter were eating out at a restaurant, and this woman was extremely rude to her husband in front of all of
us. She called him some names I’ll never forget. She was surely an angry Asian woman.
A white woman talks angrily. A black woman talks angrily. The black woman will surely be labeled “Angry black woman” or labeled as having “a tone in her voice,” while the white woman will not be
mentioned at all!
That’s the state of race in America.
That’s the unfortunate reality black women live with every single day.
The state of nasty stereotypes, pre-judgment, low ranking, rejection, lack of opportunities, being viewed as angry, and just demoted to the bottom.
I discussed this study in the Economist and my findings online with my daughters, and as you can imagine, they poured out their hearts—from remarks that have been hurled at them
like “You’re so pretty for a dark-skinned girl” to “OMG, your hair is like a sponge” as someone proceeds to run their fingers through my daughter’s hair without permission.
Those comments are among so many others, including demeaning questions about their hair—from when it’s braided to when they’re wearing it natural in its tight curly, kinky state. The only time
they don’t get demeaning comments is when they have it flat-ironed and straight, which lies in the comfort zone of most non-black people.
They’ve heard these ignorant, rude, stereotypical remarks from their fellow non-black students since they were little girls.
They’ve both attended private schools in Atlanta, Georgia, from elementary school to date, and they have been either the only black girls in the schools, or the minority.
Imagine a 20- and 14-year-old who’s already experienced so much separatism based on their skin color, natural hair they were born with, and their choice of hairstyles.
This is the danger of stereotyping. The danger of judging a whole group of people because of the behavior of a few, to judging based on looks and perceived acceptable attractiveness. Judging
everyone as a pack instead of on an individual basis.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, the award-winning Nigerian author, nicely described pack judging in her Ted Talk “The Danger of a Single Story.” Her Ted Talk was about what happens when complex human
beings and situations are reduced to a single narrative. This describes the unfortunate stereotyping beliefs America and, in fact, most of the Western world hold.
Black girls and women have been reduced to a single narrative, and it is up to us black women to make this situation better for our little black girls.
We must teach our little black daughters how to be the best they can be. Teach them the importance of education, including higher education—college and beyond. The importance of being confident
but with humility; of having strong character and a purpose in life, but with a gentle spirit and respect for others. How to have a voice, but a respectful one. The importance of taking care of
their bodies-physically, mentally and spiritually. How to be classy, and how to be in a class of their own. We must, as black women, strive to do better with all this; be great role models, so
that our little black daughters can see us living this out, so that they can also strive for excellence in their lives from inside out.
I also challenge every non-black woman to start educating her children about the truths of race in America and how to accept all their friends for who they are to the core and not judge them
based on their skin color, unique hair, or other preconceived ideologies.
It must start with us, adults. Women, men, black, non-black.
You’re all beautiful. Beautiful from head to toe.
I love your thick, vibrant curls, your bouncy, lovely pigtails.
Your cute, expressive eyes, with shades ranging from the darkest brown to even silvery-grey.
Your pretty facial features, which are exceptionally gorgeous as you evolve into a young girl.
Your curiosity of the world and of others around you.
I love to see your beautiful big eyes sparkle in excitement.
I’m here for you, my beautiful little black daughters. This is one of many letters I’ll write you.
Remember, you’re a gem, a rare gem. Rare gems sparkle. They do so with a bright, gentle, optimistic confidence that stands the test of time. Rare gems don’t buckle from the negative opinions of
others. They just stand and shine.
My little black daughters, stay rooted in confidence as you strive to be excellent in your lives.
Above all, spread love always and respect everyone you come into contact with.
Much love, with a sprinkle of permanent happiness,
Dr. Iyabo
September 10, 2018
Can you be Unmarried and Happy?
I had a book signing event in April of this year, at a bookstore in Atlanta. There were roughly 50 people in the audience.
I had been reading snippets from my book for a while, and then I opened the floor to questions. I was having a good time at this signing…my biggest audience so far, compared to the other signing
events I’d had that spring. My daughter had serenaded us with her singing in the beginning, and the questions had been enlightening, when…boom! A lady in the audience, who I’ll call a friend,
dropped her explosive question!
I had previously met her at a mutual friend’s event about a year prior to that, and we had become friends on Facebook. She is probably in her late 30s to early 40s.
“Dr Iyabo,” she asked, “how can you be happy, and posting on social media about happiness, when you don’t have a man in your life and you’re not married? And by the way, we’re not even sure which
way you are—maybe it is women you’re interested in?”
Well, well, well, I was more than shocked! I took a deep breath, composed myself, processed her question, shifted my posture, forged a smile on my face, and started to fish out the best response
my brain could offer me in this public situation, to this kind of question—all done within about 10 seconds.
The silence in the room was deafening. The look on everyone’s faces was a perplexed and stunned one. I made eye contact with my daughters, ages 20 and 14, and they were seething with fury. I knew
they were dying to respond on their mom’s behalf, but they couldn’t. Needless to say, this is a topic I’ve discussed with them many times, what true happiness is. The overall tension in the
audience after that question was palpable.
So yes, as I fully composed myself, I responded with a smile on my face.
I must also share with you the composition of the audience. There were two men in the audience who came with their wives/partners. The husband co-owner of the bookstore was around somewhere, but
not right in the audience…not sure he heard the question. My boyfriend was on his way, so he missed the question. How I wished he were there to capture this moment in time.
Everyone else was female, ranging from 14 years old and up. There was a group of soon-to-be college women who were interning with a friend of mine who owns a fashion studio. My friend had
prepared them about how they would hear of ways to be permanently happy, to be motivated, and to succeed in life. Yes, of course they really needed to hear how their happiness is directly related
to having a man in their lives! Whoa!
So my answer began, and it was a layered one. “My happiness certainly doesn’t rely on the presence of a man in my life. Why would it? True happiness and peace comes from within. Why would I
outsource my happiness to someone else, even my partner/husband? This is partly why I was inspired to write my book Permanent Happiness, to reveal to us how to be authentically happy.
“None of the three steps states that happiness can only be achieved if you have a man in your life and/or you’re married. And this is how, as women and as a society-slash-world, we confuse the
girls and young ladies coming behind us with the notion that they amount to nothing and cannot find life fulfillment if they are not paired up with a man. And by the way, I’m in a relationship
with a man, but I’m not one to post about my relationship online. I’m not attracted to women romantically. I’m not a lesbian. Not saying there’s anything wrong with lesbians, I must point out.”
Obviously, these were not my exact words, as this part of the event was not recorded, but these were the layers I responded in.
Another answer I would have loved to blurt out, because it came right to the forefront of my brain, but which I couldn’t say out loud, was, “Maybe I’ve actually been really happy and at peace
with myself because of the very fact that I’ve been single and have had time to rediscover myself since my divorce. I’ve had time to find out the true ways to find permanent happiness and inner
peace in the absence of a man, which is, by the way, very possible.”
But I kept that knee-jerk answer inside and saved it for this blog post.
It is sad to think that some women actually believe the lie that you can’t be happy without a man in your life. You would think it would be something men would believe, not women. I guess women
have been conditioned in so many cultures across the globe that a woman’s purpose is marriage and her identity is not complete until she’s married. Hence, every little girl’s constant dream of
her wedding dress, wedding day, and all the fairy-tale wishes of being taken care of by their husband, him providing all her needs and wants, and of him making her happy forever after.
No wonder there is so much depression, sadness, insecurity, low self-esteem, and feelings of unworthiness running rampant with our girls and young ladies. A breakup of a relationship in a high
school-age or college-age girls often leads to ongoing feelings of major rejection, dejection, and sadness.
Young ladies often wait and wonder when their boyfriends will propose and put their happiness on hold till they are married, as it’s been stamped in their brains that marriage provides you with
everything you need for your “forever happy.”
Women going through a divorce who find it so difficult to pick up the broken pieces and hurt, and who have no careers or purposes of their own outside their husbands’ and their kids’ purposes,
often struggle to find happiness and inner peace.
This is the result of society molding girls and women as unworthy and as weak, especially if they are without a man.
Here’s a portion of an interesting but sad article published on BBC News online on August 15, 2018: “Why Single Nigerian Women Battle to Rent Homes,” https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-45169688.
Please read and ponder this:
Many landlords in Nigeria suspect single women of being prostitutes, making it difficult for them to rent apartments.
A successful career woman, Olufunmilola Ogungbile, 30, never thought that she would be sleeping on a friend’s couch after five months of apartment-hunting in Abeokuta city in south-western
Nigeria.
She had moved from Lagos after securing a good job with the Ogun state government as a project administrator. Despite being financially independent, she struggled to find an apartment in middle
and upmarket areas because she was single.
“The first question the landlord would ask me is if I’m married?” Ms Ogungbile said, “I’d say ‘No’, and they’d follow with, ‘Why not’?”
She was often left puzzled.
“What does my marital status have to do with me getting a place to live in?”
‘We want decent people’
Ms Ogungbile said the discrimination was widespread.
“Ninety-nine per cent of the landlords I met did not want to rent to me because I am a single woman,” she told the BBC.
“Most landlords and agents would tell me, ‘Can you bring your boyfriend or your husband?’ In these kinds of apartments, we don’t like boys coming in. We just want decent people.”
So, there you go, readers of this blog post. Food for thought, thoughts to ponder.
How do we change the status quo?
This sad state of affairs with the stigma on single, independent women is up to all of us to change.
How do we change this?
By speaking up and exposing what’s going on with women’s rights.
By being a voice for every girl and woman.
By encouraging all girls to stay in school, get a good education, and complete college so they become confident women with their own careers and with a voice.
By being women who are ready to let go of all the lies we’ve been told over and over…that we are unworthy.
By being women who encourage other women and let them know their worth and strength does not lie in being coupled with a man.
May we all be permanently happy by inspiring and encouraging other girls and women and by being a voice to denounce oppression of women in any way.
September 3, 2018
Loneliness in Today’s World
Even though the world seems to be getting smaller as everything becomes digitalized, loneliness seems to be getting worse.
Everyone owns a smartphone and can text, call, or FaceTime whenever they wish. They can send instant messages on many platforms—Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and so on. We can now watch our
friends and followers give talks on live videos, and we can comment in real time.
With a click of a button, we can view our friends, followers, celebrities, politicians, and we see and hear what everyone is up to. Some stories are positive and uplifting; some are sad, personal
stories. Some are people just telling us about their daily routines, whether we care to know or not.
Despite all this interconnectedness, which should make us feel like we are part of all these people’s lives, we, as a people, are feeling lonelier than ever, according to recent studies.
“Loneliness is as big a killer as obesity and as dangerous as heavy smoking,” the Daily Expressreports:
https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/857441/loneliness-UK-statistics-NHS-health-problemsResearchers
pooled the results of previous studies, estimating that loneliness can increase the risk of premature death by around 30 percent. This study was conducted by Brigham Young University in the US in
2017. Here’s an article related to that study: https://www.studyfinds.org/loneliness-social-isolation-alone-obesity/
Loneliness has also been linked to poor mental health. In a survey by the Mental Health Foundation, more than a third of people surveyed had felt depressed as a result of being lonely.
All these mechanisms eventually lead to loneliness, which also can cause inflammation throughout the body and reduce immune function, which leads to many chronic problems.
These changes began with the growth of the internet and advancing technology.
Loneliness in America has tripled since 1985, around the time home computers became common. Advanced technology, it has been said, contributes to increasing loneliness and increasing premature
death.
Face-to-face interactions are still the best way to interact with people. These are more meaningful and promote interactions in a more authentic way.
People can still hide behind their devices in cyberspace. Most people now communicate by texting and will even text first to check if it’s okay to call. If you observe people around you while out
at a restaurant, you’ll notice most diners are staring at their phones and not interacting with each other.
Everyone is guilty of this habit. We as adults tell our kids to spend less time on their phones and on social media, but we do the same thing.
We must be more conscious of actively making time to meet with friends face to face, encourage our kids to do the same, and be actually present with our friends and family and put away our
devices while doing so.
Tech and cyberspace friends and followers are robbing us of authentic relationships.
Social media is a huge problem. We now all feel the more followers we have, the more cool we are. This gives us a false sense of security and importance. We don’t even ever get to meet or see 99
percent of these followers or cyberspace friends. They are many times imaginary friends in cyberspace whose posts we listen to and videos we watch. Quantity now seems to be more important than
quality. Authentic friendships have reduced drastically with the growth of social media.
People are feeling lonelier than ever because they don’t feel they have trusted or authentic friends to reach out to when they need them.
Social media and the internet have also led us to comparing our lives a lot more to others. All the photoshopped pictures, and “perfect” bodies we see online, make us feel we are not good enough
and make us isolate ourselves even more. So many post all the super-happy and mountaintop events in their lives, and not the lows.
There are two fashion pages I used to follow on Instagram, and it baffles me how they can even get away with this—all the pictures they post of women have not only very skinny women, but
they all have extremely long, thin legs. The pictures are so obviously photoshopped and edited that there’s no way no one should not notice that fact.
I have since unfollowed those pages and will no longer follow sites where there are anorexic-looking models, or pictures photoshopped to make women look extremely thin. However, the problem
is, our young girls are seeing posts like these and feel they are not good enough, not skinny enough, etc. I see and hear this every day as a mom and as a pediatrician. These feelings lead to
unworthiness, isolation, and depression, which eventually lead to a host of other diseases, like eating disorders, heart conditions, etc.
The internet has also reduced the amount of time we spend outdoors. It’s much more fun now to stay in our homes and be entertained and fully engrossed by our devices. The interest in getting
outside for a simple walk has reduced. All the benefits of nature have been swapped for time in cyberspace.
Study after study has shown a direct correlation between spending time outdoors and being happier. The Harvard health letter, July 2010 issue, clearly states this. Being outdoors reduces our
stress levels, elevates our moods, and makes us more active and thus healthier. It is nice being outdoors with other people, so it also increases our likelihood of social interactions. We also
get the benefit of vitamin D from the sun. Vitamin D reduces inflammation; increases our immune function; and reduces heart disease and osteoporosis, as well as depression—among many other
benefits.
Our political environment is now highly influenced by the internet and social media. We are becoming more and more polarized with the ease of communications from either side. Tweets, Instagram,
and Facebook posts flooding our timelines with explicit hate and discord is another reason technology has made us lonelier. If you don’t feel others are in agreement with your political views,
you’re more likely to withdraw, feel angry, isolated, neglected, and eventually sad and depressed.
So what’s the solution?
Well, obviously smartphones, the internet, and social media are not going anywhere anytime soon, so we have to readjust our lives with the new norm if we want to reduce this loneliness epidemic.
I recommend we get outside more; consciously put our phones away more often, especially in the presence of company; and schedule a short time during the day to be on social media, and stick to
it. Make an effort to plan meetings and dates with friends. Get to know and meet your neighbors. Understand that people will likely post positive events in their lives on social media, and it
doesn’t mean your life sucks because you’re not happy all the time!
Let’s all start to combat this loneliness epidemic by taking it seriously and being more proactive. We will be so much happier, and the future of our kids will be brighter too.
May we all be permanently happy by having more meaningful, authentic, and real friendships and relationships and not just tech and cyberspace friendships.
July 11, 2018
Travel Blog: Antigua (Part 2)
On to more historic sites and must see spots on the drive.
At Betty’s sugar plantation.
The historic Sugar windmills at Betty’s Hope—-the largest sugar plantation in Antigua. Built in the 18th Century.
In front of a large sugar plantation windmill.
Next stop on our ride...
At the famous ‘Devil’s bridge’ in Antigua. An eroded limestone cliff created by the ocean waves.
Devil’s Bridge and Beach.
Next stop—
Nelson’s Dockyard in English Harbour.
A great place to visit in Antigua. Lots of history. Scenic spots. Small museum.
On the way back from English Harbour- we drove through the rain forest-so lush—-mango trees.
On to—
Shirley’s Heights, English Harbour.
This is the Sunday night party scene.
A must see and must experience.
Stunning views.
Panoramic view of Shirley’s Heights.
Dinner time!
What’s a visit to the Caribbean without yummy red snapper?
At OJ’s Bar & Restaurant. You must eat at this restaurant on your visit!
Sunset.
Sunset.
More of Antigua....
The sun will always set.
Good night, Antigua.....’TIL next time.
Panoramic shot of the beach and sunset.
Hibiscus flowers everywhere in Antigua.....just take me wherever they grow......good bye Antigua!!
Permanent Happiness is a relaxing Caribbean holiday!!!
July 5, 2018
Travel Blog: Antigua (Part 1)
Looking for a dreamy vacation in the Caribbean? I may have found the island for you!
Antigua - ‘The Land of Sea and Sun’.
Located on the Caribbean Sea, with a population of only 80,000, it has stretches of beautiful white-sand beaches with turquoise blue water. Antigua and Barbuda are a twin-island country located
between the Caribbean Sea and the Atlantic Ocean.
We visited this lovely island for a week at the end of June 2018, and stayed at the Cocos hotel-couples only, all inclusive. If you like rustic hotels, with all- wooden cottages on the inside,
and outdoor showers, and a plunge pool on the deck, with the West Indian charm and hospitality, you’ll love Cocos hotel.
Get ready to view my captures of this gorgeous island.
Arriving at the beautiful V.C Bird International airport in Antigua.
Arriving at the gorgeous, rustic, couples only Cocos hotel, perched on a lush green hillside.
Where is the beach please?
Ready to take in the sun️️
️️
Does a Caribbean seaside view get better than this?
The cottages all stacked up on a lush green landscape. Notice the fine powdery sand? Paradise!!
Turquoise blue waters, white-sand beach, lush green vegetation all over the resort!!!
I know.....my sunglasses match the color of the ocean... Lol
Sun kissed skin
June 20, 2018
Travel Blog May/June 2018 - Venice, Italy
I’ve always wanted to visit Venice. I’ve been to other cities in Italy-Rome, Florence, Milan, Amalfi coast and it’s surrounding areas-Capri, Ravello, Positano-but not Venice until this year.
What did I think of Venice?
Look through my pics, and my thoughts to find out!
On the water taxi-a boat from the airport to the city in Venice. We took the option of a private water taxi. Quite pricey, but seemed like the better choice, rather than the packed public water
bus...which also takes longer. The boat went really fast!!!....but it was otherwise lots of fun. I’ll recommend this option if you’re going there.
Water taxi. Venice’s main mode of transportation, as there are canals everywhere!! This is the private option.
Day 1. Arrived at the hotel. Freshened up...ready to explore with my daughters.
Can’t miss the canals and pretty gondolas. They are everywhere!!
Such pretty gondolas, lining up the canals everywhere you look. Pretty colors all around as seen in all the pictures!
One of the must see sights in Venice. St Mark’s Basilica. So ornate and gorgeous! We opted not to go in. We have seen SO MANY churches in all our trips to Italy, that we decided we’d just look
from the outside. We only had 3 days on this trip. If you haven’t toured any of the basilicas in Italy, you must tour a few. They are unbelievably incredible!!!
Me and my younger daughter, Moni Mons in St Mark’s square, across from the basilica.
St Mark’s square is a must see also, especially when it’s not crowded. It truly is beautiful.
Exploring Doge’s Palace. A museum in Venice. This structure of this gondola caught my eye.
Inside Doge’s Palace-a museum where you can take guided tours. So ornate!
Isn’t she beautiful?? The door or my older daughter, Reni Rens? Lol!!! They are both exquisitely beautiful! This door was inside Doge’s palace.
What’s a visit to Italy without gelato??
View from our hotel window. I loved all the bright colors in this city!
Now, let’s talk about the food in Venice!!! Good and bad. Check your reviews online carefully. Take a water taxi out as far as necessary from the overly touristy areas for good meals; which will
be tastier and less expensive. Good pizza is not hard to find in Venice. Lots of lovely Bruschetta also. Food is very expensive, so be ready for a few expensive dinners. Plus, adding your very
expensive water rides to and fro from dinner, it quickly adds up!!!
I found this restaurant Ristorante Pizzeria Rio Nuovo on Trip Advisor, and it was just what we were craving. Lovely seafood starter, and one of the best bruschetta we had on this trip! I love
Trip Advisor. It has helped me plan many trips!!!
Enjoying the awesome food, awesome views and awesome company-my daughters at Ristorante Pizzeria Rio Nuovo.
Seafood lobster pasta and whole baked, deliciously seasoned fish at Ristorante Pizzeria Rio Nuovo. Yum!!!
You can also shop til’ you drop in Venice!! All your choices are here...from top range designer brands to street range...you’ll find them here. Stroll through the narrow cobblestone streets and
shop or window shop all day.
Then take a gondola ride at the end of the day!
What did I think of the gondola rides? Well, I guess they are a must do, since that’s what everyone talks about when talking about Venice. However, I think they are overrated. I still don’t get
how they are romantic! Lol! You keep feeling you’re about to fall into the canal. They are extremely unstable and rock a lot. Not to talk of the subtle stench from the canals. This wouldn’t be my
idea of a romantic evening, but I understand tastes differ. I will not be coming here on a romantic trip-thanks very much.
Really nice gelato cafe. SuSo.
The famous Rialto Bridge. A must see.
We didn’t make it to the Rialto market, but we were told it’s a nice market to visit.
In front of the Rialto Bridge.
Cheers, Venice. I’m glad I visited you. You were really lovely, but not sure if there’ll be a re run anytime soon. I loved your uniqueness and beauty, but wasn’t a fan of the subtle stench of the
canals.
Going to the next destinations on my bucket list!!
Much love,
Iyabo
June 13, 2018
Travel Blog May/June 2018 - London, England -The center of the Universe
Even though I lived in England from 1993-1998, every time I visit on holiday, I’m still blown away by the richness of this country on all levels.
The city of London is rich in culture, foods, shopping, architecture, entertainment, and is the melting point for so many people all over the world.
London never gets old. I love the hustle and bustle, seeing people walk everywhere, friends hanging out at pubs, the aromas of ethnic foods at every street corner, the pleasure of afternoon
tea......A must visit destination for you!
Day 1 in London at our favorite hotel-Corinthia hotel. Centrally located, close to Leicester square, Chinatown etc.
One of the most Instagrammed spots in London-Neal’s Yard in Covent Garden.
Neal’s yard, Covent Garden.
Time for a night out with friends at Novikov bar & Lounge in Mayfair, London.
View from our room at the Corinthia. Such beautiful architecture in London!
Outside the hotel with my daughters. Time to explore London.
What’s a visit to London without some good Indian food?! An English friend recommended Haweli in Hammersmith and my daughters and I made it there!
Yum!! Tandoori chicken starter!
Feast for 3!!! The food was yummy and spicy.
Walking the streets of London-Chinatown.
Time for afternoon tea at the Corinthia hotel- one of the best afternoon tea spots in London.
I met my mentee, Stella, also a physician who lives in London for the first time over afternoon tea! I got to sign her copy of my book ‘Permanent Happiness’. What a memorable afternoon!
Selection of desserts at afternoon tea at Corinthia hotel!!! How do you even choose? All look yummy.
The hotel always has a beautiful flower arrangement in the lobby/sitting area. Absolutely gorgeous!
Afternoon tea....beautiful flowers...delightful lobby, good company—Permanent Happiness!
Selection of sandwiches-yummy. Lovely china!
The BEST scones and clotted cream I’ve ever had!!! Seriously speaking!
At Trafalgar Square, one of the most popular tourist sites in London.
Walking the streets of London near The London Eye, and just decided to stop to take a deep breath and ‘smell the roses’.
At Trafalgar square with my daughters.
The Tower Bridge, London. So beautiful!!!
Tower Bridge, London.
In front of the beautiful Whitehall Gardens, London.
At the famous ‘London Eye’.
A visit to London without a picture beside a red phone booth?! Impossible! Lol!
Looking for the best Peking Duck in London?! Try Min Jiang restaurant. I’ve had really good Peking duck in many places , but this one tops them all. Just really good, authentic Chinese food!
The stunning architecture of the House of Parliament, London.
London has so many pubs...such an integral, and rich part of the culture!
Fried Eggs, toast, sausages, bacon and baked beans....Corinthia hotel style....so yummy.
Must have a nice English breakfast in England!!!
See you soon, London. Until next time!
