Iyabo Ojikutu's Blog, page 7
October 16, 2017
Be Open to a Breakthrough
Help for your breakthrough may be where you least expect it. Be open.
There’s something we all do very well—we plan our lives rigidly. Very rigidly. We feel we know what we want, who we want on our team, and exactly when and how it’s all going to be executed.
Then life happens, and all our rigid planning, hopes, dreams, expectations, strategies, and people involved change before our very eyes.
We then get frazzled and lose hope because that person or people we thought would help lift that project or hope off the ground didn’t work.
During this process of disappointment, an alternative and often better person/people/team and new strategies always show up. They always do. I have numerous examples in my life where I thought
something was going to happen a certain way with a certain person or team, but God showed me a better way by putting a halt to the first path.
But often, because we didn’t have our way because of what we thought was the best direction, we miss the better opportunities that come up before our very eyes. We are too busy sulking,
complaining about how nothing ever works for us, and we totally miss the other path we’re being shown.
The path or the people needed for your life purpose may be in the opposite direction of where you’re looking. Be open!
I’ve learned to be very open in life. When I was a rigid planner and had a certain picture of where my help would come from, I endured a lot of stress.
Now, by learning to be open to a change in plans, change in the structure of my plans, strategy changes, and certainly changes in my team, I have minimal to no stress.
I now know what being in my true life flow feels like, and I gravitate toward that.
My true life flow is effortless. Anything or anyone that is grinding to my soul is not my flow, and I now avoid those.
Quite often, some people were only meant to be in our lives for a short season. A few minutes, few days, or few months.
Often, their purpose is to deliver a message, a lesson, or even to introduce you to someone else who may be the key person in your life.
Don’t spend months or years hoping that person will come back or maybe even hoping to get back at them for leaving you. Their purpose was already served in your life.
Don’t hold on to the past and miss new opportunities and better people and a better team who will give you the breakthrough you need.
I call those people “middlemen” or “middlewomen”—those persons whose only roles were to deliver other people or opportunities to you. And then they are gone. Let them go and receive the new ones.
The new ones may hold the golden key to your success and life breakthroughs in their hands and hearts. But you can only receive this if you’re open to people and are nonjudgmental, because your
divine path will never be easy or straightforward. Our Creator wants us to learn as we go, get wiser, and he wants us to stay interconnected as people. So He picks some people to teach us
lessons, and He picks some to deliver others to us.
Nourish your spiritual life on a daily basis so you can have enough calmness of mind to be open and receptive of changes in your life.
Change is OK. Change is constant. Change brings breakthroughs. Be open to change.
Sometimes you just have to let go of the way you thought was best, the people and team you thought were best, and let your real flow in.
Your real flow is effortless, and it will bring you permanent happiness.
October 11, 2017
Body Image
Everyone struggles with body image at some point in their lives. Both women and men.
Some deal with it a big chunk of their lifetimes.
The way we are built physically depends a lot on our genetics. Obviously, if our parents are short and the majority of our family members are also short, we can’t expect to be tall. Our facial
features will obviously resemble those of our parents and/or other relatives.
Body image misperceptions and beliefs can be psychologically damaging, could lead to depression or just a feeling of being “stuck” in life. This is very common among women, but it also exists in
men.
Women feel they are not thin enough. Not pretty enough. Lips not full enough. Nose not straight enough. Hips too wide…or not wide enough. Legs too thin…or not thin enough. Buttocks not big
enough…or too big. Breasts not full enough…or too full. Skin not light enough…or too pale or too white.
Men who want a six pack, or those who pride themselves on their pot belly. Men who don’t feel tall enough…
And on and on it goes.
We live in a society and, in fact, world that places a lot of emphasis on the exterior, on looks, on what they consider pretty, beautiful, or feminine enough. Or handsome enough.
The runway models who are often stick thin, the actresses and celebrities whose looks we adore and worship.
If only we could just look behind the scenes and see how much work goes into making them look the way they look.
A whole team of people, the best of the best, expensive clothes, shoes, and striking the right pose at the right time in the perfect setting and lighting. The perfect fan in the right place
blowing their hair a certain way. Body enhancements and injections on a regular basis to get the “perfect look.”
And the thin models…well, what can I say? You really cannot eat much of anything to stay that thin as an adult. They do consciously watch what they eat.
So you already know, from reading my previous blogs, that I believe our worth and value is on the inside. We must be valued with what our hearts and souls carry and how we will use this to change
the world for good.
But…body image is the big elephant in the room. I wish it wasn’t as important as it’s made to be by society, but since women—and men—secretly experience pain in their hearts, sadness,
frustration, and depression from their body images, it has to be discussed.
If your weight is causing YOU emotional and psychological disease, ailments, and disorders, you must do something about it.
In other words, if your doctor has told you your weight is too high or too low, please follow the advice on measures to take. If you are getting arthritis, can’t walk up and down stairs, and are
still relatively young—below 70 years old—or you’re prediabetic or prehypertensive and so on, please take action and make changes. If your doctor is telling you your weight is getting dangerously
low, please take appropriate advice and measures.
If you can’t sleep at night, cry yourself to sleep, binge eat even more from sadness from your weight, or you envy and detest others who are at the weight you want to be at, you need to take
measures to live a healthier lifestyle, and heal your psychological state, and show up more confident. Otherwise, you will keep suffering in silence and you’ll limit your goals and your true life
purpose.
These are the only instances where I feel help must be sought and you must take control and full responsibility to change your own life.
As per all the other plastic surgical interventions to enhance parts of your body, I will respectfully say, I don’t believe in them. That is my personal opinion. There is absolutely no surgery
that can fix the condition of our hearts and souls. The number of plastic surgery procedures a person has had are many times directly proportional to the intensity of the chaos of the heart.
Again, that is my personal opinion. Plastic surgery is an easy superficial Band-Aid approach.
Obviously, a person born with unsightly deformities or who is unfortunate to experience injuries that are deforming should absolutely undergo plastic repairs and fixes.
Buttock implants, lip injections, liposuction, breast implants, brow lifts, nose jobs…all are temporary fixes. None of them make you a better person. None of them make you more desirable. None of
them contribute to your life purpose, and certainly none will bring you permanent happiness.
Again, this is my personal opinion. Remember, we all have free will.
I personally have parts of my body I’m not crazy about. I used to be more self-conscious of them, and when I was younger, I avoided wearing clothes that would expose those areas. Now, as an
adult, I wear a wide variety of clothes as long as I feel awesome in them, and that gives me a strut in my step, the perfect sway, a big smile, and the most confident stance.
I have focused much more on the state of my insides—my heart and soul. I nourish and ground myself spiritually, and I also take care of my body the natural way—I eat right most of the time, and I
exercise often. Please refer to my blog on “Taking Care of Our Bodies the Natural Way”—for a refresher.
The healthier my spiritual state is, the more I glow from the outside because I have peace. The more I ground myself spiritually, the more I have the energy and zeal to work out and take good
care of myself because I recognize my value in this world. If you’re not grounded spiritually, you’ll find it hard to pinpoint your value in life, your life purpose. You’ll find yourself running
around in circles-chasing your own tail, because your soul is unstable.
Spiritual work comes first. But your spirit also needs a healthy physical life to thrive. Our physical and spiritual lives feed off of one another.
Permanent Happiness requires three steps that must be going on simultaneously: nourishing our spiritual and physical lives is one of the steps.
Unfortunately, cosmetic surgery doesn’t fit into any of the steps. Neither does justification of your weight, if it is causing you physical, physiologic, emotional, and psychological diseases and
disorders.
We must be careful as adults and not mislead kids, the youth, and other adults by justifying our weight, either obese or anorexic, because we want to make ourselves feel good. I see pages/posts
like these on social media—obviously obese adults justifying their weight. Kids and teenagers are reading this and getting confused or following the trend.
Obesity leads to a large number of the illnesses and deaths in our world today. We must be careful not to justify it in order to make ourselves feel good selfishly. Neither should we confuse our
kids by encouraging them to starve in order to be thin.
Body image is a book in itself. This is just a sneak preview of my thoughts.
I hope you will take care of yourselves the natural way, eat nutritious foods in the right proportion, move daily for at least 30 minutes, drink lots of water, find spiritual health, reduce
stress, be healthy, have a good body image…and be permanently happy.
October 9, 2017
Courage—A Must-Have Tool for Success in Life
Courage is simply defined as the ability to do things that frighten you.
Almost everything we embark upon in life requires courage. Either physical or mental courage.
Every icon you admire or look up to had or still practices courage. Probably on a daily basis in order to keep up their great and significant works.
Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Oprah, Bill Gates, etc., didn't get to their positions in the world without good doses of courage.
At some point, they took chances despite uncertainties. With some of them, even despite a risk to their lives.
The best athletes out there exude courage and bravery. You need courage to scale a mountain. Courage to go deep-sea diving. Lots of courage to run that marathon. Courage to wake up and head to
the gym or other exercise routine several times a week.
And then there's mental courage. Studying for an exam and doing your best takes courage. Giving a speech in public takes courage. Running for office takes courage. Opening and running a business
takes courage. Creating that new app needs courage.
Courage doesn't have to be on a big scale, as in some of the situations I've described above. We often look up at people in high positions and put them on pedestals, and we say, “Oh, they are
there because they had so much courage.” Or we say, “Wow, that person is so brave! I couldn't imagine doing that. It looks hard.”
Well, without continued courage, we can't get most things done in life.
Courage and complacency simply can't exist together.
With complacency, you live for yourself.
With courage, you live for others, and you change the world.
The more courageous you are, the less your tolerance for complacency in yourself.
If you're fine where you are in life, you don't need courage. But if you dream for more, strive and hope to get to higher heights, you do need courage.
To change the world, you need courage.
Wow! My favorite word is easily courage. It honestly is.
Courage has brought me great things in life.
It has brought me many breakthroughs:
Choosing to study medicine.
Leaving my birth country and venturing out to other continents.
A thriving business—my pediatric practice.
Teaching medical students.
Surviving a divorce and coming out stronger.
Writing books. Indie publishing the first one.
Writing a blog.
Public speaking.
Raising two daughters.
Raising a puppy.
Doing all I can to stay healthy and strong.
Currently working on bigger projects and opportunities.
All the above would not have been possible without courage.
So, my friends, if you're still living, you have time on this earth, and you have breath, and you dream and hope for more, the only other thing you need is courage.
Be courageous.
Be brave.
Hope for the best.
Because if you hope for the best, you'll do your best.
And in the rare instance that your courage doesn't give you the desired results, you would have gained something—the practice of being courageous.
Believe in yourself. Be courageous. Be permanently happy.
October 5, 2017
You Have Everything You Need to Thrive—YOU
As we make our first cries at birth and start to breathe through our lungs, our gifts are activated. As children we still need the full support of caring adults to help grow our gifts and to help
guide and nurture us through our childhoods. As kids we are fully dependent on adults to provide the right environments for us to flourish.
Once we transition into adulthood, this full dependence on people should change. It must change. We become fully responsible for our own lives. Our gifts and their manifestations lie in our own
internal powers.
gift of time on earth grants us everything we need to thrive.
Yes, we will still need people around us as adjuncts to our lives, but our lives becomes our sole responsibility as adults.
The shift happens at a time when we should have gained enough wisdom, learned from life experiences, and made enough mistakes, which are really lessons in disguise.
As we become strengthened by all this, we must own our powers to fulfill our personal life purposes, which consists of helping others and contributing our gifts and talents to humanity.
So as 2017 draws to a close, this is a reminder that you already have everything you need to achieve your dreams and live out your life purpose.
The mere fact that you're reading this blog post is enough assurance.
That project, that career change, the weight loss, healthier living, plans to save more money, going back to school, writing a book, traveling more…you already have everything you need to get
them done. That everything is you—yourself. You don't need the validation or check mark from anyone else. If you have a plan to make yourself better, and to make the world around you better,
trust me—you do not need the prior approval from anyone to move right ahead.
I know some of you are probably wondering, what about my spouse, my husband or wife? Don't I need to check with them? Get their approval? Well, sure. But I'll add, if you're in a union or
marriage where you're not able to be your authentic self and live out your true life purpose by stepping out and owning your personal power, you have a lot to ponder. You have conversations to
have with your spouse. You have changes that need to be made. Otherwise, you'll live the rest of your life with regrets, with resentment, and with constantly looking back to the past to see how
you could have framed the course of your life differently.
Remember, as an adult, you have everything you need to move your hopes and dreams forward.
YOU are all you need.
God wants you to trust Him—that He's given you everything you need.
Make the most of the remaining three months of the year.
Look within, keep dreaming, set out in faith and in your power.
Start 2018 with a renewed strength. Be permanently happy.
October 3, 2017
How Well Do You Hear Your Own Internal Voice?
Gut instinct. Funny feeling. My intuition. Whispers in my ear. I have a feeling. I knew it. Yes! I told you. I had that instinct. My thoughts don't deceive me. I dreamt about it. I should have
known!
These are all statements we make when we are perceiving our own thoughts. Most of the time, we know exactly what to do or not to do. Our own soul speaks to us. This is a direct communication from
God. We have all been given that power to trust ourselves the first few whispers or nudges we get.
We all have times of day or situations where we perceive these thoughts the most. Where we hear God's whispers.
For me, those times are when I wake up in the morning and when I'm in the shower. In the past 8–10 years, as I've trained myself to be more in tune with my own soul and spirit, I have gotten most
of my life messages at those two times. The bulk of the decisions that have led me to where I am today have come at those two times.
I get key messages just as I'm waking up—even before I start to pray, say my affirmations, and write in my journal.
In the shower, whoa…this one is so funny. I can't tell you how many times I've stepped out to dry my hands and quickly type notes into my phone so I don't forget the ideas, thoughts, and aha
answers that well up in my mind. It must be the effect of the soothing feel of water. Or maybe I'm just wired that way.
I “wrote” a big chunk of my book Permanent Happiness in the shower, as well as my second book (not yet published).
My United Nations speech was “written” in the shower. Several of my blog ideas come in the shower. And I “write” speeches for upcoming events in the shower. I wrote half of a really important
speech, which I’ll give later this year, in the shower. I allowed the thoughts to fill my mind as I showered. Then as I stepped out, I typed all the key points into my phone.
So those are the two circumstances where I hear myself the best. When I'm waking up and in the shower. The third is when I'm traveling and I can find a beautiful, peaceful view, like on my hotel
room patio.
Where and when do you hear your voice the most? Have you nailed those times and places? Are those thoughts and messages shaping your life path? Are you capitalizing on those times? Routinely
responding to those messages? The more you respond, the more you put yourself in those situations ready to receive, the more the messages come through.
I believe we all have those unique circumstances. If you have identified them, capitalize on those times and listen to yourself. Be very attentive. Write down what you're saying to yourself
immediately. Don't try to memorize the thoughts, because trust me—you will forget them. Once you start to go about your day, you will lose all the details. Write them down as soon as you can.
And if you're in the group that hasn't figured out when you can hear your own voice clearly, then one of two things is happening. (1) You have a very go-go-go, chaotic routine, and you don't make
time to be quiet, to rest your mind and empty your thoughts often enough. So you have too much background noise to hear your own internal voice.
Or (2) you do hear your own voice but you are in major denial mode. What you are hearing is not what you want to hear. So you ignore your own voice and you sweep it quickly under the rug, or you
make up all the excuses in the world as to why it's a bad idea.
We sometimes say we pray and don't get results. Or we say, we pray and we don't hear God's voice. Or we wonder why God blesses some people but not us.
Could it possibly be that God has been talking to you for so long, and you haven't decluttered your mind enough to hear? You've gotten caught up in the never-ending chaos of life? Or maybe, you
do hear and you're the stubborn type who thinks the voices of humans are more important than God's voice?
Read through this blog one more time. Train yourself to hear God's voice. And then when you hear it, be obedient to it. And you'll be permanently happy as you obey His voice and live out your
life purpose.
September 29, 2017
Are You Single and Happy?
To all the single ladies and single men.
Are you single, happy, at peace with your status, and flourishing in life? Or are you subconsciously putting your life on hold waiting, for your dream man or dream woman to make you happy and
help fulfill your life purpose?
Society places a lot of emphasis and human value on getting married. It happens in both the developing and developed countries.
Women, especially, have so much pressure to be married by their early to mid-20s, and to start reproducing babies, and to take care of their husbands, and other expectations created by culture
and societal norms.
In some cultures, if you're not married by 25–28, you're viewed as getting too old, running out of time, or not good marriage material.
The pressure then starts from parents, siblings, extended family, and even friends and work colleagues.
Sometimes they take it upon themselves to start looking out for a good match so you can be blissfully wedded ASAP.
Then there's the urgency to get married so as to beat the biological clock. That clock that every woman dreads, talks about, and believes will adversely affect them if they don't have kids by a
certain age.
So much pressure on us women.
Why do we have to be defined as successful women based on our marital status, on how quickly we can get hitched, and by our reproductive abilities?
This pressure has led so many women down the wrong path in life. Literally, this societal pressure has caused dejection and depression in many women and led to irreversible psychological damage,
chronic illness, and even death.
The pressure to get married then leads us to select, unite, and commit our lives to any Tom, Dick, or Harry without really looking at the big picture of that person, all his attributes, his
intellectual capacity, his family background, etc.
Marriage can be beautiful, very beautiful, between two involved people who love themselves unconditionally; give themselves space and boundaries to shine in their own gifts and life purposes;
care, protect, and respect each other mutually; and who do not stamp fixed roles on each other. As you can see, these are tall orders, especially from two people who are brought up in varied and
different family backgrounds and have different beliefs about family roles and structure.
But there are still some beautiful marriages—those who at least practice the above 80 percent of the time.
I still believe in marriage. I do. I believe it is an institution that is good for us and for the world.
But it must not define anyone, women or men.
Then there is the married group who stay married at all costs.
Women who feel their life definitions and images in society depend so much on their marital status that they conform to absolutely anything—even abuse, whether physical, mental, or verbal. Some
women stay because of economic and financial reasons, some because of the kids, some because marriage simply is all that defines their existences—their human value. Some stay because of
emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical intimidation by their husbands.
Men, on the other hand, often stay for the convenience (though sometimes, of course, for the reasons noted in the previous paragraph). They build separate lives outside of their wives and are
only present physically at home for their family. And this vicious cycle continues for way too long.
Labels cause us a lot of problems in the world.
We should not be defined by labels, of which marital status is one: Mr., Mrs., Ms., Miss.
Our value must lie in our hearts. What we do with our minds. What we are adding to our communities, societies, and the world.
God loves us all equally—single, married, divorced, widowed. He places equal value on all of us.
Singles who are young men and women—your life purposes are greater than marriage. Marriage can be good. It can be lovely. Yes, it absolutely can. But it must enable and allow you to be the best
version of yourself. Marriage must not dim your light. It must not suppress your gifts. It must allow you to use your talents and gifts to fulfill your purposes and contribute your part to the
world. Marriage must be comfortable with your dreams. You cannot stop dreaming great dreams because you're married.
As individuals, your life partner/spouse must be on board with you, must be on the same page as you.
Compromise here and there, of course. But do not compromise on your dreams, life path, and life purpose. Do not compromise the integrity of your soul, your sanity of mind, and your freedom to be
you.
Your spouse's dreams and successes must not define you or dim your own light and life purpose.
Married friends—I'll be brief. My point is this: don't stay for all the wrong reasons and die without living.
May we all be permanently happy—single, married, divorced, widowed…
September 27, 2017
Are We Preparing Our Kids/Youth To Be Leaders?
We all know parenting is one of the most difficult tasks in life. Shaping a child's future, nurturing them, while still trying to give them space for independence is not the easiest balancing
act.
I was shaped by observing my parents. They did speak words of nurture, guidance, and correction to me, but I took in everything they did. They were both entrepreneurs, and this really inspired
me. I liked how they worked really hard but always made time to socialize and have fun with their friends and social clubs.
They worked together but also had independent businesses, each giving the other space and respect to be their authentic selves.
My mom exuded poise, beauty, grace, and confidence and did not shy away from expressing herself with words. My dad was confident but quiet in demeanor and said few words. They complemented each
other. My dad never dimmed my mom's light in any way. Neither of them had a college education, but they were well respected among their peers and in society because of their success in
entrepreneurship and their abundant leadership skills. Their life education superseded their lack of college education.
This is what I saw as a kid growing up. A strong, beautiful mom who stood on her own, held on to her own identity, worked hard, and was financially independent. A dad whose strength was in his
humility, respect, and gentleness toward his wife. A dad who was always there for his wife and kids—emotionally, socially, and financially.
I took it all in and subconsciously longed to be an entrepreneur like them. Subconsciously longed to be a strong woman who would own her own destiny. There were a few surprises along the way, as
you already know, but I quickly got myself back up after my divorce and got right back on my life path and my life purpose.
We as adults and parents have the responsibility to influence our kids by example. Words are great, but if you're teaching them what you're not practicing or at least striving for, those efforts
may be futile.
I'm all for spending time with our children, but as women, we must be careful of using this excuse indefinitely. Every woman must have some worth and life purpose outside of tending to her kids
and husband. Your kids need to see you using your gifts to make a difference in the community and the world on a small or large scale. This is how we build strong kids and youth for the future.
By them seeing us do what we are preaching.
I was home with my older sister and house helps a lot while my parents were at work or out socializing. This didn't adversely affect me. It instead strengthened me and prepared me to be a leader.
I don't know what my mentality would have been if all I saw was a mom who only stayed home to clean, cook, and tend to us and my dad and had nothing else going on for herself. I don't know
because that's not what I grew up around. My mom cooked when she could, but house helps and cooks did most of it, as well as cleaning our home and doing laundry. There was lots of help around to
make her roles of mom, wife, and entrepreneur work for her.
Studies have shown that having a working mother works for daughters. This Harvard study below finds daughters of moms in paid employment have better careers and more equal relationships:
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jun/24/having-a-working-mother-works-for-daughters
I hope every mom or mom-to-be will read this
article carefully and ponder over it.
Obviously, the same applies to our sons. We must equip them to be leaders. Leaders who are confident but with a good dose of humility. Hardworking men who also live lives of balance. Strong men
who preserve their authentic selves.
I was struck by the number of young men and women I met at the United Nations at my recent event. Youth and young adults owning their own, emerging experts in their career fields, some already
partners in firms or even business owners, working hard, dreaming dreams, and going all in at those dreams. I had a conversation with a few of them. A few interviewed me, and I was truly touched
and inspired by these young adults. I was filled with hope for our future world.
This is what I saw as a kid growing up. A strong, beautiful mom who stood on her own, held on to her own identity, worked hard, and was financially independent. A dad whose strength was in his
humility, respect, and gentleness toward his wife. A dad who was always there for his wife and kids—emotionally, socially, and financially.
I took it all in and subconsciously longed to be an entrepreneur like them.
Subconsciously longed to be a strong woman who would own her own destiny. There were a few surprises along the way, as you already know, but I quickly got myself back up after my divorce and got
right back on my life path and my life purpose.
children as they find their own voices, discover their gifts, and grab
their own independence.
The best way is by living out that example they need to see. We cannot plan to live vicariously through our children's success in life. We must carve out our own purposes in life first, and they
must see us doing it.
The next is by our words. Words last in our souls. Stand by your word as parents. Don't get misled by the existing culture where parents become slaves to their own kids. Stand your ground. Speak
the truth to your kids. The truth is often hard to hear, but they'll thank you in later years.
And then prayer covers all of these. We must continuously and persistently pray for our children.
Let us build up kids who will become leaders. Even if they get off their paths from time to time because of influences beyond our control, they will recalibrate and get right back on their life
paths and purposes.
The three steps above are the way to do it: be an example, stand by your words and speak truth, and pray.
We can only be permanently happy if our kids are being groomed to be leaders. Leaders who will shape our future.
September 25, 2017
Is Sex Overrated?
Am I really doing this? Writing about sex? I guess I am. I'm writing this blog post sitting at the airport waiting to board my flight to JFK, NYC. I wanted to utilize my time to write, which
always relaxes me right before a flight.
Funny that I finally decide to write about sex. Well, we've covered money, children, hearts and souls, independence, dreams, hopes, healthy eating, exercise. We cannot possibly leave out the
elephant in the room—sex.
So, let's get to my thoughts.
Yes, at this point in my life, I do believe sex is overrated. I certainly do. It is one of those acts in life (like anything else, really) that if you get carried away, fail to ponder carefully
what the pros and cons are, let your physical longings overcome all your wisdom—you will get yourself into trouble on all levels. Sometimes, the trouble is irreversible.
The wrong practice of sex has damaged millions of relationships, created a dent in trust for good, lowered people's self-esteem and personal value, and cost people their jobs. Illicit sex has led
to untreatable sexually transmitted infections, which have claimed many lives. Even the ones that are treatable often lead to irreversible damages of the reproductive system, infertility, and
lifelong consequences.
Sex with multiple partners, sex out of wedlock, sex outside of committed relationships, sex for money, sex as abuse, sex as cheating on partners, sex used to violate our children—all illicit.
No doubt this act is one of the darkest acts against our very beings. It is an act that is so directly connected to the well-being of our souls that we have no choice but to discuss this topic.
The Bible has a lot to say about sex.
1 Corinthians 6:13–20 is an example, as is 1 Thessalonians 4:3–5.
Our children and youth are dropping out of school because of teen pregnancy and contracting sexually transmitted infections at an alarming rate.
The face of HIV/AIDS all around the world is now young and female. Girls and women between the ages of 15 and 24 have the highest rates of this infection, according to UNICEF.
The reasons are multifold—social oppression of women; economic and material reasons that often lead women to these practices; age-disparate and cross-generational marriages (ten years or more age
difference); and the lack of use of condoms in unions or marriages, since they are perceived “stable, committed relationships” by young women.
And simply, our teenagers and youth are at the risk-taking and adventure-seeking phase of life.
Everything I've listed above is happening in our everyday lives.
Our entire lives are sexualized now—our movies, music, way of dressing. Have you been on social media, such as Instagram and Facebook, lately? It's like porn is being flashed before our very eyes
without being called porn.
Have you been outside your home lately? I'm sure you have, so you must have seen women in clothes but not really clothed…I'm sure you all get a visual of what I mean.
I believe this overly sexualized world we are in, of women, in particular, must be addressed.
I believe there is a way to dress as a woman in a nice, lovely, but still feminine and sophisticated manner.
Our kids are watching all this, and we have a bigger parenting and enormous guidance job to do.
We adults must each sit down and ponder our contribution to the dark side of sex, which was really meant to be an enjoyable and pure act.
I have personally been pondering this for a while.
Without revealing my entire personal life, I now truly believe sex is overrated and that abstinence from sex can be healthy. Abstaining from sex is a really, really good thing. Prolonged periods
of abstinence by choice actually helps cleanse out your soul in many ways. It keeps your mind pure (and your body too, of course). Your gifts show up because you're not walking around in fear,
guilt, or regret of some act you should not have participated in. The longer you abstain, the longer you realize you can go without sex.
And then you realize, oh, it's actually not needed for survival. It's actually not a variant of the air we breathe. I'm so busy living life to the fullest, using my gifts, living out my purpose,
and oops…I forgot all about sex.
But that is a great thing, in my opinion.
Because this state of abstinence then teaches you, and brings to light in your mind, that sex is really meant to be pure and it's meant for two people in a committed and sanctified relationship.
That really, what you should be busy with is making good use of your God-given gifts, creating the best version of yourself and changing and influencing lives.
Or per our kids, teens and youth, getting a good education.
It's time to board my flight. Off to NYC to make my dreams come true and to change the world.
See you soon! And if you’re not in a committed, sanctified relationship—find ways to be permanently happy minus illicit sex.
September 22, 2017
Be Slow to Judge
Let the Judge, judge.
I try my best not to get involved in political or religious conversations. They often get too heated and end up without outcome.
I'm an outcome kind of person. I like results. Good ones. If what I'm embarking on has no potential for good, I do not get involved. I like to see lives being changed positively. So I mostly
focus on personal development and growth, which comes from our internal beings.
But of course, we don't live in a bubble. As we evolve and grow, so does the world around us. So many life happenings. So much going on. We can't possibly ignore everything.
I still believe individual turmoil leads to world turmoil. Not the other way around. Most of the world's problems come from inside out.
From person to person, to community to community, and it becomes an ideology because someone started it.
Often out of this ideology comes judgement. Undue judgement. Hasty judgement. You against us. Us against you. It quickly turns into black against white. Christian against Muslim. Rich against
poor. Heterosexuals against transsexuals and homosexuals.
Human divisions stem from judgement. Judgement that we often craft up in our minds, exaggerate them, spread them, and it spreads like wildfire (now, even faster than ever, thanks to the power of
social media).
Knee-jerk judgement, even before examining all the facts. Even before looking at that person's track record or the reasons why they may have acted the way they did.
Take the Joel Osteen fiasco that happened about two weeks ago—the fiasco resulting from so much judgement, so fast, with such damaging words unto him and his church before examining all the facts
or giving him a chance. I read many of the social media postings and really felt in my soul how we are so quick to judge. We do this on a smaller scale in our day to day interactions with others,
and we do it on larger scales like this one. Everyone destroying the guy's character so quickly.
I'm glad he came out to defend himself and that he did it with great honor, respect, grace, and humility. Just like a leader should.
Let us all let God be the Judge. He has always been and will always be the Judge. He wants to remain the Judge, because he knows if he gives us that role, we will misuse it.
Let us be quick to listen, quick to be patient, and slow to judging and destroying others' character.
Be permanently happy. Judge less!
September 20, 2017
Men, May I Ask a Favor?
I have two daughters. They observe me a lot, so I'm very conscious of what I portray as a woman. I'm mindful of my life choices, the way I carry myself, and most of all, I'm mindful about what
and who I allow in my heart and soul.
In other words, I don't allow people around me who demean me in any way. I give those people space and love them from a distance. I don't go around bashing them to others. I just create my own
boundaries.
I have never, and will never, stay too long around people—which includes friends and “loved ones”—who are mean in character and who demean me.
Once I identify them, their negative cycles and effects on my soul, I take steps forward in peace and move away without regret.
I love them from a distance.
My daughters have seen me do this. I have discussed with them about creating boundaries for themselves in every human relationship.
Don't let anyone walk all over you. Don't let others' sour spirits make your spirit sour. Create your own boundaries. Do it humbly, without regret and with love.
I have explained the importance of doing this.
As tough as it may be, you have to do it. We have to summon the strength to create boundaries in our own lives.
I come from a culture that in subtle ways, and in some not-so-subtle ways, demeans and demotes women. We have so many roles stamped on us, I often wonder who created these roles. Where did they
originate? And some women have also joined to these beliefs.
In my culture
Women must respect their husbands.
OK, yes, agreed. No doubt. Of course. That is true.
But can someone please add that men must respect their wives? Do we need to plead for that? And respect includes their wives’ voices, passions, hopes, careers, vitality, strength, and their
life purposes.
It takes a real man to accept and respect all those parts of a woman.
Women must cook (sometimes a fresh dish or three every day), clean, take care of the household, tend to the kids, take care of her husband emotionally, protect his ego socially, and fulfill
him sexually on demand—sometimes with the added statement that if you don't, another woman will steal him away.
Women are expected to earn a living and contribute to the upkeep of the home, sometimes even more than what the husband provides. The modern-day man wants his wife to have a career,
contribute financially to the home and for the kids, and still provide all of the above.
Whoa…I get tired just typing all those expected roles.
May I ask, is there anything wrong with men doing any of these things for their wives?
That culture in the US isn’t that much different than that of my home country. No wonder there are so many unhappy, depressed, confused, intimidated wives and women.
OK. I'm confused. Men were created to have their cake and eat it too? Like the famous saying says?
I applaud men who do not adhere to the above mind-set, who value women for their true worth.
But in general, what an egotistic and unfair world.
Actually, unfair only if you sit around and accept it.
I've lived through all three unrealistic roles and demands above, and I'm no longer living through them, obviously, because I made my way out in due time.
The statement above that “another woman will steal him” is perfectly fine for me. As women, we should be more than happy to package him nicely and present him to the “another woman” if that is
his attitude.
Let me use an example of something that happened recently (mind you, I’m not suggesting all men would act this way, just that some men really do accept the norms mentioned above). I attended a
big gala a few months ago. Many professionals were in attendance, mostly physicians. I was standing up by our table with my friends close by, and we were dancing.
Out of the blue comes a man, dressed in a suit, and he drags my arm so hard, I almost lost my balance. I didn't know who he was. Total stranger. I resisted, obviously gave him a look, got my arm
safely back, and retreated to my friends. We had a good laugh, at the same time repelled by his behavior.
Is that what it has come to? Dragging a woman for a dance?
Fast-forward to two weeks ago, I bumped into the same man while out with a business colleague and his friends. He remembered me and gave his friends a detailed account of how I dissed him on the
dance floor when he pulled me. His words? "I thought you were a girl, because you looked so young." His friends, which, by the way, included a husband and wife in their 60s, agreed and echoed,
"Oh yes, Iyabo, he thought you were a girl. That’s why you should have given him a chance. That is really good for you. Many girls want that. You should be very happy."
OMG…OMG. You can all feel my cringing, right? I was particularly shocked that the only other woman in the room also agreed with the guys! Iyabo, you are now a “girl!” OK. At 47 years old.
But I didn't show it. I did not.
I kept my cool, calm, sophisticated, feminine, confident, collected posture, and I smiled. That's all I did—smile. My male business colleague (a different species, obviously) did not like the way
this conversation was headed.
He later apologized greatly on the behalf of his friends. He said he was disgusted by their way of thinking and their disrespect, but he was surprised and truly impressed by my reaction.
Men, here's the favor I'm asking. Could you please introspect over all this? If you have a daughter, will you expect her to have all those roles listed above?
Basically, work herself to stupor until her soul, her spirit, and her body breaks down?
Men, I'm asking you to join me in changing this mindset.
Our girls, ladies, women deserve better than this. There are many hurting, dejected, confused, depressed, emotionally and physically trapped women out there.
Women have a voice. Women have a dignity to preserve also. These are your daughters, granddaughters, nieces, cousins, neighbors
Women, you have a choice. You have an identity. God cares for and loves you dearly. Love yourself by not staying in disordered unions. There is absolutely no excuse for staying too long. Make
your way out carefully and strategically. Call a friend. Call the women's abuse hotline if you're scared for your life.
We need men's voices who are respectful of women's voices. Permanent Happiness comes from mutual love, respect, honor, goodness, and kindness for everyone.
