Iyabo Ojikutu's Blog
February 2, 2021
Lockdown Diaries: How we'll be different after the pandemic
2020 has been one of my best years. I know you’re reading this and thinking, ’she can’t be serious.’ I am serious — very serious.
I was planning my wedding when the pandemic hit. My then fiancé Neil and I were looking forward to a beautiful wedding in the English countryside in May 2020. Invitations had been sent out. We had paid thousands of dollars in deposits to the wedding venue, the vendors, for my dress, the bridesmaids’ dresses, the cake, and so on. But unfortunately, we had to cancel everything, and we lost all the money. It was extremely disappointing.
But, my fiancé and I quickly realized the situation was beyond our control. We recalibrated, and started to think of alternatives. We immediately started toying with the idea of a Zoom wedding!! We could get married at home and invite our guests to join us on Zoom!! Yes! Brilliant idea, we thought. We started planning an outdoor Zoom wedding in our courtyard. On April 17th, 2020, I got married to the love of my life in the presence of my two daughters, my two step-sons, and our church pastor. It was a gorgeous, sunny, and cool spring day.
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"In the midst of uncertainties come unexpected blessings, and the best beauty in life can emerge during the darkest times."
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Our neighborhood is a closely-knit townhome community in Atlanta, Georgia, and some of our neighbors watched from their windows, patios, and from the alleyway. About 90 of our family and friends from all over the world attended virtually on Zoom! It was such a beautiful day, and Neil and I were so happy!
This pandemic has certainly confirmed to me that my mind and spirit are strong enough to handle disappointments. In the midst of uncertainties come unexpected blessings, and the best beauty in life can emerge during the darkest times.
Once we are on the other side of this experience, I think I will be able to say that my life is better than it already was!
Read my story and a few others on Flo Health. Link below.
Flo Health
December 21, 2020
Building Love and Memories for my Patients
My passion for reading was nurtured early in life by my parents, who had a gift for storytelling. This love of learning that I grew up with drives me to provide the same for my patients
at Milestone Pediatrics in Atlanta, GA through the Reach out and Read Program.
In October 2015, my dad passed away unexpectedly. Even though he was 86 at the time, his passing still came as a shock to me. It never crossed my mind that either of my parents would be gone
someday. My mom and dad were very prominent in my life. They nurtured me and my siblings with lots of love. I grew up in Lagos, Nigeria but left for England at 23 years old; then moved to the US
at 28 years old. My parents visited me and my family almost every single year while we lived in England and then in the US.
My dad completed grammar school (high school equivalent). My mom did not have the privilege of formal education; but somehow, they had a formidable and loving
partnership that resulted in their entrepreneurial successes and wealth-building.
My dad could read, write and speak English very well. There wasn’t a day that passed in the 23 years I lived at home that my dad
didn’t read newspapers. I have the image stuck in my mind of him in his glasses reading them every day. They both also traveled extensively internationally for business and pleasure. These global
adventures obviously were a huge contributor to the vast amount of knowledge they had of so many life topics.
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They did not read to me, but I developed a love of reading on my own partly
because I observed my dad reading quite often. However, they both loved telling stories….especially my dad. Wow! Those storytelling times will forever be in my memory. My dad would sit me and my
sister down and tell us story after story about his childhood; how he grew up in a family of butchers.. and tales of his entire family lineage. He was so entertaining that I’d sit there listening
to him, lost in the imagination that I was there during those times and events he was sharing with us. My mom loved to tell stories too, and she often contributed nuggets to my dad’s
storytelling.
After I had my daughters and they became toddlers, my parents could not wait to
start telling them stories also. Their trips to Atlanta to visit us were filled with so many occasions of precious times with their granddaughters. They both still have lovely memories of their
granddad in his soft and low-pitched voice telling them stories of their family tree and so many other tales.
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He passed away exactly four weeks after they left Atlanta in October 2015.
My mom passed away in February 2019.
Sweet memories of both my parents remain with me and my daughters. Memories of the love, happy times and selfless nurturing they showered on us.
Their stories remain stamped in our minds and they bring a smile to our faces.
This is the same experience parents can create in their children by reading to them every day from infancy. There is so much love that can be passed on to kids just by telling them stories and
reading to them and this is why I am so passionate about the Reach Out and Read program for my families.
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For the last 15 years, I have worked hand in hand with Reach Out and Read, an organization committed to creating a world where every child is read to every day. I (and 33,000 of my pediatric
colleagues across the country!) spend time at each well-child visit for babies and children ages 0 to 5 encouraging families to read, talk, sing and play together every day. I also send a book
home – for many children that I see, the books I deliver in partnership with Reach Out and Read are the only books in their home libraries. Nationally, Reach Out and Read provides more than
7,000,000 books to 4,500,000 children each year.
I ask you to partner with me in this great cause by clicking the link below to donate. Any amount will be highly appreciated.
Donate Here
September 25, 2020
Dating as a successful black female professional in America
I landed in America from England, UK in 1998 at the age of 28, having been married for 3 years. It was straight into residency at Bronx Lebanon Hospital, in Bronx, New York. Busy days, long
nights, little sleep, juggling motherhood, ‘wifehood’, ‘doctorhood’ and ‘lifehood’.
Life as a physician in England was not what we expected. There was no progress in our careers. We strived for progress to no avail, so my husband at the time and I decided to make the move to the
land of big dreams-the USA.
After we both completed residency in the Bronx, we moved to Atlanta, Georgia in 2001 and decided to call this city our home. We had heard a lot about Atlanta-good weather, low cost of living,
busy airport with many easy to reach destinations. But most of all the chatter we heard the most from our Nigerian friends was-“Atlanta had one of the highest number of progressive, wealthy,
highly educated, professional blacks in the country”. That was surely a good thing to hear. Perhaps there would be a real opportunity to progress in our careers in this city, and live out our
dreams.
Fast forward. The careers progressed....at least I can say mine did. I started a practice in 2004, and it’s still open and growing today. We had two beautiful daughters. But our marriage ended in
2009.
And so, I found myself single in America. I had not experienced the single life since I was 17 years old. I met my ex husband in medical school in Lagos, Nigeria. He was 21. We dated for 8 years
and got married in London, England at 25 and 29, respectively.
Now, I was 39 years old, almost 40) and single again. Where do I meet people? How do I navigate dating at 40? Who do I date? One thing I knew for sure was, I was ready to date non-Nigerian men. I
love my Nigerian culture and I had the best dad any child could dream of, but the experience I had in my marriage with in-laws was a bad one and it eventually ended my marriage.
That complex husband/mother-in-law relationship was too nerve racking for me to even dream of experiencing again. Not to talk of all the ridiculous cultural expectations that women are expected
to live up to. In my mind, I knew I was done with Nigerian men. I needed to open my heart to men from other races and cultures.
I have never been a very social person. I thrive best at home. I call myself a real homebody. I own my own practice, and employ about 10 people. Where would I meet guys? Guys of my caliber? After
some research, I decided online dating was the place for a mostly introverted homebody like me.
Match.com seemed like a candy shop but instead of candy, there were men instead on the shelves. Candy? Well, at a
glance, they looked like candy until I started reading their profiles and looking closely at their pictures. Hmmm, this was going to be a huge task....I thought to myself. My inbox was
immediately filled up with men I had absolutely no interest in. Men of all ages messaged me-mostly black men from ages 21-70. Any hint of poor grammar in their messages switched me off totally.
Did I tell you that one of my pet peeves is poorly written grammar? I didn’t find any of their pictures attractive. Some pictures didn’t seem consistent with the age in the profile. Whoa! This is
not going to be an easy process. I initially kept waiting to see if men I was attracted to would message me, but it didn’t happen. None of the ones who messaged me were remotely my taste in men.
I finally decided to summon up the courage to start saying Hi, and making the first move, or winking at the ones I had interest in. It so happened that the ones who fit my requirements were
mostly Caucasian. I had no problem dating white men....in fact some of them were quite attractive physically and fit the professional/educational requirements that were important to me.
However, there was a problem. Only a few of the ones I messaged replied me. I dug deeper and wondered why.....I thought I had many qualities most men would desire....but their profiles revealed
the answer I needed. The majority of white men who were well educated with at least a Bachelor’s degree, professionals and had high position jobs and the intellect that were deal breakers for me
were looking for other white women and Asian women! Occasionally, a few added Hispanic women. Their profiles said it clearly. They were not interested in dating black women regardless of the
woman’s looks or intellect or other qualities. Just NO to black Women.
There were actually a few profiles that even clearly said-if you’re a black woman, don’t message me. Wow!! Harsh and unbelievable! But then I had no interest in Nigerian men either, right, so I
couldn't judge them? Or could I? Ooooook, I thought to myself. This is the racism and prejudice I experienced in the UK in my career; now showing itself in the dating world in the US. I started
to remember what all my friends and colleagues at Bronx Lebanon hospital-my residency program had warned me about....”Iyabo, Atlanta is very racist. You’ll experience lots of prejudice there.
Stay in New York. You’ll like it better here”. This is what they were talking about. But some other people had said Atlanta had one of the highest number of progressive, wealthy, highly educated,
professional blacks in the country. Where were those black men that fit that description? Certainly not on match.com. I did not see them on that dating site! Where were they?
Well, there was nothing I could do now. I couldn’t relocate just because of love. My daughters were in school in Atlanta and I actually loved everything else about the city.
I finally did get a reply back from a lovely Caucasian man who was originally from the west coast and had just moved to Atlanta. We had a beautiful relationship for four years but I knew it would
not lead to marriage, so we ended it. He was a Godsend, brought lots of laughter to my life, and we traveled a lot together. He helped me heal from my divorce, and I really experienced what true,
loving relationships should be like....but there were some reasons I knew I wouldn’t be happy married to him, so I broke it off before it went too far.
After that relationship ended in 2014, I really introspected about what I needed in a marriage partner. I then joined Match again but had a few relationships here and there....all with white men,
but none really was who or what I wanted.
Again the racism in dating, and the shocking reality that as a successful black female professional, our choices in men were limited, was a rude awakening. My deal breakers were a man of high
intellect and my academic equal, with at least a Bachelor’s, preferably an advanced degree. Well traveled and with a global perspective, and in good physical shape. I was not attracted at all to
overweight men, and high intellect was key for me. Those were my needs and must haves. My wants were tall and lean, and a man who was divorced and had kids. So, this combination was hard to find
in Atlanta. There were a few black men who fit this but they were mostly in the sports or entertainment profession and I was not attracted to men in either profession. There were some southern
white men who fit the profile I was looking for, but they clearly were not comfortable with having a black girlfriend, talk less of a black wife. I dated a few of them but they always seemed to
go back to their southern white girlfriends. I’ll never forget the white man who I was chatting with on match who then requested to connect with me on LinkedIn. I accepted his request and he sent
me this DM on LinkedIn: “You are everything I’d like to have in a woman, but too bad you’re black”. Yes!! He said that in his message. Wowww!! I got the shock of my life. I understand that many
white men think that, but to have said it out loud in a message?? Shocking! Needless to say, I blocked him immediately. There was no response I could write to him that would fully express my
thoughts and feelings about his ignorant and rude message.
My father passed away at the end of 2015, and I was just exhausted and spiritually & emotionally drained.
At church one Sunday, Andy Stanley, the lead pastor of Buckhead church gave a sermon that was directed at me. Lol! I honestly believed he was talking to me. He said if you’ve been dating and
can’t find a good match, take 2-5 years off from dating to reconnect with yourself and God. I did just that! In early 2016, I made the decision to not date at all. I stuck to that decision very
rigidly. I was glad I did. It was one of the best periods of my life. I wrote two books, published one, started blogging, spoke at the United Nations three times, my practice soared, I bought the
house of my dreams and I was happy.
I kept praying for a good man. I journaled about who I wanted. I wrote down specifics that I wanted in a man even down to at least 6ft 4in. I prayed and prayed and spoke to God about my thoughts.
I started to realize the right European man would actually check most of my boxes. European men are known to be more worldly, like black women and have a more global outlook. But where would I
meet one in Atlanta? There were a few on Match that I saw the last time I was on there but they were not physically attractive to me. They were all short. I actually met one English man on there
but he was about 5 ft 9, and we just had no chemistry . He kept messaging me after that one date, but I was not interested at all.
After taking two years off dating, and focusing on my own happiness, I joined match again in November 2017, and I met my husband in January 2018. He proposed in October 2019 and we got married in
April 2020.
He is English. An intellect. Handsome. We share many values. He is divorced with 2 sons. AND he is 6ft 4in
Did someone say God doesn’t answer prayers? Oh yes, He does!!
You just have to be patient and prayerful and purposeful in your own life and the man will meet you where you are.
So, this was my experience dating as a successful, black female professional in America. Our choices in men are, unfortunately very limited. Hopefully, one day, racism and prejudice will reduce
and we can all see each other as who we really are, and not the color of our skin.
May we all be permanently happy by accepting and loving each other more, regardless of our skin color or the corner of the world we are born in.
Much love,
Dr Iyabo
August 24, 2020
Essay Contest Winner #3 of: Why I would love to attend the Women Without Guilt Conference
I gave women the opportunity to win tickets to my conference by entering a Giveaway contest.
They had to write an essay about the reasons they’d like to attend. I read some beautiful write-ups and below is one of them.
I would like to attend the conference because it is a conference of women for women. A great opportunity to rub minds with intellectual ladies. It is a chance to learn from other women who are
doing amazing things in making our world a better place. Personally, I like the topic because it stimulated some curiosity in me.
Why should a woman be with guilt? Why should it have to be so hard to be a woman? Why do we need to exert more energy at doing exactly the same as the opposite sex simply because of our gender? I
have found it hard to delete from my memory the perception that a supposed learned colleague of mine shared about women. He believes the place of a woman should be in the kitchen, subservient to
her husband, whose voice should not be heard without his permission. The guy believes it is a failure of on the part of society for a woman to be a leader of a nation. Anathema. Not me.
I refuse to be sorry or apologetic for not conforming to the norm. I refuse to be sorry for choosing to chase after my dreams and not feel like it is so wrong. My place is not limited to the
kitchen, my place is as far as my mind can possibly conceive.
I am a woman who is not shackled by the shadows of the past but one forging towards the resplendent bright horizon of a glorious future, hand in hand with other like minded women who will ditch
the norm, break the biased molds of wrong societal expectations and embrace the fullness of their destiny. I am a woman without guilt on a mission to give my very best to my world.
By Dr. Funmi Omole @thewritingdoc
Register Here
May we all be permanently happy, and may our pains create a passage into our own purpose-driven life.
See you on the Blog next month.
Lots of love,
Dr. Iyabo
August 17, 2020
Essay Contest Winner #2 of: Why I would love to attend the Women Without Guilt Conference
I gave women the opportunity to win tickets to my conference by entering a Giveaway contest.
They had to write an essay about the reasons they’d like to attend. I read some beautiful write-ups and below is one of them.
About a year ago, I decided to break out of my comfort zone right after my birthday. The way I lived my life up until that moment was different from what I expected. I realized I was not making
the kind of impact I wanted; instead, I was locked up in a shell, embracing whatever life brought my way. I became so comfortable where I was that the thought of making changes brought on
anxiety, fear, and doubt. It almost felt impossible to crack the shell without guilt, anger, and frustration. These feelings resulted in a lack of confidence and missed opportunities. As someone
who enjoyed checking on people and lighting up their faces with a smile, I suddenly wanted to be in my ‘safe’ space. Something was just not right! After thorough self-reflection and evaluation, I
knew I had to take bold steps to switch things around. So, I set out to engage in activities of interest, which include traveling and attending conferences.
Shortly after, a women’s conference I had been interested in for a while was coming up. Due to travel constraints, I had not attended the meeting in the past, but I now lived in Atlanta, so I
made plans to attend. While I enjoyed every bit of the conference, meeting people was challenging. I was overwhelmed by the crowd, and everyone seemed to know each other. I thought of doing
something different. I took note of the people I would love to meet (names or faces) and looked them up on social media.
Dr. Iyabo was one of the women. She radiated elegance, simplicity, and calmness; I felt an instant connection with her. I connected with her on Instagram, and then, I looked at recent posts on
her page. There was a flyer for the first Women Without Guilt conference staring at me. It felt so unreal that another women’s conference was coming up in less than two months, and it was here in
Atlanta! The name of the conference resonated well with me. I knew I had to be there.
The first Women Without Guilt conference was beyond my expectation. The event was well organized and very informative. It was an empowering event laced with a warm reception. I was happy to be
with supportive, transparent, and driven people in an atmosphere that felt safe and intimate. I quickly realized that guilt is real, particularly experienced more by women, and can be felt at
different life stages. Therefore, it is imperative to be aware and equipped to manage guilt early so one can live a purposeful, peaceful, and productive life. All the panelists did a great job
sharing their journey and providing great words of advice and encouragement; I liked the diversity, and I learned from every one of them. All questions were answered in a practical manner and a
non-judgmental tone. Many people in the audience also shared their wealth of knowledge and provided valuable information.
Some of my take-home lessons were to stop being too hard on myself, stay motivated, allocate tasks, guard my space, reward myself, and practice deliberate self-care. By the end of the event, I
was more energized and hopeful. Given all the experiences I had and the great connections I made at the first Women Without Guilt conference, I do not doubt that the second conference will be
excellent. I have learned a lot from Dr. Iyabo and Dr. Caudle through their Instagram posts for about a year now.
I look forward to discovering more by listening to all the speakers and interacting with everyone. I am delighted to glean ideas and connect with people. I believe the timing is right, and the
event will be loaded with information and opportunities for growth and discovery. The countdown to the second Women Without Guilt conference has begun, and I am thrilled to be a part of the
fantastic experience.
By Yinka Ojo @yinqooz
Register Here
May we all be permanently happy, and may our pains create a passage into our own purpose-driven life.
See you on the Blog next week with another contest winner.
Lots of love,
Dr. Iyabo
August 10, 2020
Essay Contest Winner #1 of: Why I would love to attend the Women Without Guilt Conference 2020
I gave women the opportunity to win tickets to my conference by entering a Giveaway contest.
They had to write an essay about the reasons they’d like to attend. I read some beautiful write-ups and below is one of them.
‘In Adversity, we often find our Voice and Inner Strength if we do not cower’. This statement defines my attitude to obstacles.
At 22, I got married with zero knowledge of self nor an understanding of what marriage entails, to a person that I considered extremely smart and stern enough to fix me. You see, to me, marriage
was about getting fixed. Love to me meant meanness and toughness. I did not grow up around happy couples so I associated marriage with long-suffering and sadness. I imagined there was a deep
seated joy in that sadness. Looking back, I realize how damaged I really was.
Young, empty, naïve, but for some reason, it always seemed like I knew what I was doing. So, I decided to get married as an undergraduate because I had dropped out of
university earlier and restarted my undergraduate degree. There was a lot that I wanted to become but many seemed unreachable due to lack of clarity on steps I needed to take
to achieve my goals. Several broken dreams and feeling of inadequacy made marriage a ‘win’, it was a short break in reality, making me feel I was succeeding at something.
From day 1, it was evident that I had complicated an already complex story, I was married to a man who thought nothing of me, would yell at no provocation, mock and
taunt me and call me names ranging from ‘idiot to low IQ’. I was a disappointment. I cried myself to sleep daily but I still felt satisfied to be married. Empathy and Kindness were
simply lacking and this broke me.
It took 9 years to reclaim my power and returned to school to get an MBA, then get a great job. Much older, wiser but stuck with old choices. I am focusing more on damaging
beliefs and patterns that have kept me in a relationship rot for years. People say, snap out of it, even I think so, but doing isn’t just by wishing. Nobody should live in a state of
confusion or fear for 12 years, continuously beating herself up and fighting societal views and personal hurdles.
So, why should I be picked for the women without guilt virtual conference? I am on a quest to unapologetically thrive and make impact in my community. I have come a long way, conquering
fear and limiting beliefs. I battle past choices and wonder what could have been and in my quest for growth, I find myself asking more questions because I realized one of the
biggest mistakes was ignoring counsel and not asking the right questions.
Having followed Dr. Iyabo for some time on social media, I have studied her outlook to life, her transparency, the strength of her resolve and ability to speak about difficult issues
without sugar coating. This ability is distinctive and it will be a great honor to learn from such a strong and accomplished woman and her friends. Her daily nuggets of wisdom coupled by her
faith and mission of living a life of purpose and fulfillment daily draw me to her and I have no doubt that this opportunity will be one to learn and receive mentorship from a wise and
strong woman who has lived through adversity and conquered. It will be a great honor to be part of this event and receive the 1 hour coaching session.
Most importantly, I care about making impact, my life story is that of grace to re-invent and I hope to inspire others to forge on despite failures and never to see temporary wins in exchange for
a lifetime of fulfillment.
By Detola O.
Register Here
May we all be permanently happy, and may our pains create a passage into our own purpose-driven life.
See you on the Blog next week with another winning essay.
Lots of love,
Dr. Iyabo
July 27, 2020
25 Pandemic Life Improvements
1. A great time to read more books. Readers become writers. Readers become Leaders.
2. Improve your cooking skills. Make cooking time in the kitchen valuable family time. Finally learn how to bake.
3. Teach your kids about boundaries and the importance of mommy time every day. Carve out a time just for you and let your kids know; during that time they have to keep busy with activities
you’ve laid down for them.
4. Perfect time to launch or scale your online business. Many people are engaged on social media and if done right, you could build the next big online enterprise.
5. Use this time to befriend Nature. Get out and hike, take nature walks often. Just be sure to wear a mask if there are many people around you. Nature heals us.
6. Get indoor plants and flowers for your living spaces indoors and also your outdoor ones like your patio, courtyard or garden. Plants refresh our home in so many ways like improving our mood,
sleep and mental health, purifying our air and so much more.
7. Reducing air pollution, since we are all driving less.
9. Saving money from not eating at restaurants.
10. Catching up on Netflix.
11. Doing some DIY and home improvements.
12. Cleaning out clutter and giving stuff to charity.
13. Avoiding the time spent commuting to work and being stuck in traffic, and making use of this time to get extra sleep. Good quality sleep is so important for our total wellness.
14. Getting to finally meet your neighbors. You can have socially distanced meet ups from each other’s driveway or patios. You can even have a glass of wine as you chat with them.
15. Plan healthy meals, avoid nighttime snacking, increase your daily steps and lose the weight you’ve been wanting to lose for so long.
16. Virtual workouts from your own home. You avoid the germs, overcrowding and stuffiness in the air that is present in some gyms.
17. Be able to pause and learn about yourself-the real you, minus the distractions of being around others.
18. Learn a new language.
19. Being ok with being alone.
20. Get new certifications to enable you leverage your professional career.
21. Time to finally volunteer your time. This can even be done virtually. You can teach refugees English online or chat with seniors in a retirement home to keep them entertained.
22. Improve your spiritual life. Read your holy book. Pray. Reconnect with God.
23. Start a blog or podcast.
24. Cut back on shopping. You don’t even get to wear all the clothes and shoes in your closet anymore. Why buy more?
25. Simply just slow down! Now we are all forced to reduce the go-go-go and just slooooowwww down!
May we all be permanently happy, and may our pains create a passage into our own purpose-driven life.
See you on the Blog next month.
Lots of love,
Dr. Iyabo
June 29, 2020
How to stay strong as a single mom in the midst of pains.
This blog post topic was a request from a young lady who follows me on Instagram.
I’m so delighted to share what I know about this.
I’ve had 2 single phases in my life. The first was technically not a single phase. I met my ex-husband in medical school when I was seventeen and he was twenty one. We dated for eight years
before we got married. That was an exclusive relationship on my part. So, was I single? I guess, by definition, if you’re not married, you’re single. Unfortunately, our marriage ended in divorce
fifteen years after. I was just about to turn forty years old when it ended. My second single phase then started, and it lasted for ten years. I just re-married two months ago in April 2020.
My ten single years were awesome years of self discovery. I had two daughters to raise—they were six year and twelve years old at the time of our divorce. My parents were my rock through this
time. Even though they were both elderly, and in their early 80s, they still gave me and their granddaughters all the love and support we needed.
Divorce is hard! It stinks! It stings! But after I was able to reset my life, and process the reasons I got divorced, I was completely at peace with the decision and I settled into my new normal
with peace and freedom.
We did move from our spacious townhome into a 2 bedroom apartment, and even though we had less space, we were happy to restart our new life.
So, how did I stay strong during those ten single years with two young kids?
1. Prayer. Prayer.....and more Prayer. I’m a Jesus follower, and I gave my cares and my stresses unto Him. There’s enormous power in prayer and faith in God. Don’t
underestimate how prayer will completely transform your life for good/
2. Help and Support. I explained above how my parents were my solid rock. They supported me in my decision to end my marriage and they stood by me with prayers, their
presence and love. I also had one or two close friends who I really trusted and who gave me lots of support. I must also emphasize the importance of help for your kids, so you can have some rest
and respite. It’s very easy to get exhausted and depleted if you are always on the go as a single mom with kids. You must make time for yourself every single day, and practice self care and self
love, so you can have the positive energy to share with your kids. I hired college students from a nanny website, and they helped me drive my daughters to and from school, did my grocery
shopping, light household duties etc. This helped me make time for exercise, naps, and just me-time. Seek professional counseling or therapy. Pay for coaching and mentorship, if needed.
3. Nourishing your Spiritual and Physical Lifelines on a daily basis. Once you have the help and support as explained above, then nothing should prevent you from
preparing and eating healthy meals, drinking lots of water, sleeping a minimum of eight hours, and physical activity for at least 30 minutes. For your spiritual nourishment, aside from prayer
that we listed first, journaling, reading, taking a walk in nature, meditation etc. are also ways to nourish your spiritual life. This is so crucial. If you don’t nourish your spirit and body
every single day, you’ll quickly run out of both fuel and the excitement and zeal for life.
4. Financial independence. This one is Gold. Gone are the days that women should be entirely dependent on their spouses for money and financial upkeep. If you want a
happy marriage, it is imperative that you work on having your own income stream. This is extremely essential for maintaining your own self-worth, self-respect and sense of self. Marriage should
be a partnership and inter-dependence between two people, not a co-dependent relationship. This also gives you choices in your life, especially if the unfortunate decision of divorce is
inevitable. Having your own income stream prevents you from feeling like a captive who has no way out of toxicity. So, as a single mom, you’ll have the ability to provide for yourself and even
your kids if you have to.
5. Start dating again. Why not? Even if you’re in middle age or older, who says there is no good man out there for you? Please don’t believe the Lies. You’re worthy of
love again. You can, and you will find love if you believe you will. Take care of yourself, find your femininity again, dress up and go out on dates. Obviously, don’t have sex with these men
until you’ve discussed exclusivity with the ‘one’. Don’t rush into giving your heart away. Just go on casual dates, so you can feel good about yourself again and just make friends. Please do not
get attached emotionally too quickly; otherwise you’ll end up with a broken heart again. Give yourself a minimum of two years as a single mom to heal and rediscover yourself before you start an
exclusive relationship again.
6. Lastly, take it one day at a time. Time heals all wounds. Don’t overthink your situation. Don’t beat yourself down about any mistakes you may have made in your past.
Set your gaze forward, have fun again, laugh a lot and don’t be hard on yourself. Be present in your life and take life one day at a time.
I hope these tips help you if you’re a single mom in the midst of painful emotions.
This blog post does not replace the advise of your primary care physician. If you’re feeling sad and unwell, please call your doctor immediately for a consultation. If you’re feeling suicidal,
please call the Suicide hotline immediately.
May we all be permanently happy, and may our pains create a passage into our own purpose-driven life.
See you on the Blog next month.
Lots of love,
Dr. Iyabo
May 17, 2020
Lessons I’ve learnt in the past few weeks.
2020 started with a bang. There was an excitement in the air for all of us. The beginning of a new decade; or the end of one, depending on your personal perception. Predictions were that it was
going to be a great year for all.
Then, out of nowhere, the coronavirus invaded our universe, and our lives were transformed and turned upside down.
Life as we knew it became very different. We had to rapidly make changes to literally every aspect of our lives, in order to just thrive and survive. Something, as humans, we are not necessarily
wired to do.
As humans, we are quick to resist any change or disruption in our lives, but with the coronavirus invasion, we had no choice. We had to conform, or else....our very lives we’ve been trying to
preserve would be gone.
I had a wedding coming up. This very year. 2020. On May 31st. In Suffolk, England. A smaller wedding planned for Atlanta. On April 18th. A honeymoon. Planned for July or August. My 50th birthday
was coming up. Also in 2020. April 27th. A 50th birthday dinner planned for May 2nd. At a Thai restaurant in my neighborhood in Buckhead, Atlanta. Deposits had been paid. For many of these
events. All was lined up. We were super excited. We had started counting down the days.
Then, out of nowhere, in March 2020, we suddenly realized none of these events would happen as we had planned. We started to scurry to cancel everything and inform our guests, many of whom had
bought their plane tickets for England, and paid for hotel accommodation. We began calling all the vendors to cancel, with a confidence that, because coronavirus was a force of nature, an act of
God, “force majeure”, that they would all have the moral judgement to refund all our money.....nope, we were shocked! 99% of the vendors refused to pay us a dime back. We had to come to the
realization that we were losing all that money!
But, we still had a wedding to do. We did not want to postpone our special day. Postpone till when? Who, on earth knows when the virus will finally be gone? So, we regrouped, despite all the
chaos that was happening around us, and we planned a wedding with our 4 kids and our pastor in our home. As the days went by, we decided we’d include our neighbors, since we live in a compact
townhome community. We sent out an email to all our neighbors, inviting them to our wedding, and asking them to celebrate with us from their doorsteps and patios. Then, we started to explore the
idea of including all our invited guests as well....to join us virtually. How best to do that? ZOOM!
We pulled it off! We had the perfect Zoom wedding on April 17th. A day earlier than what we had planned, because the weather was predicted to be much better on the 17th. And it was! A beautiful
day indeed. Sunny with low humidity. No clouds in the sky.
The wedding exceeded our expectations, and the interest and reaction it has garnered on social media has been shocking to us. We just didn’t expect such a positive response....especially to a 50
and 57 yr old couple getting married on Zoom! Lol!
I’m now Dr Mrs. Iyabo Webzell, and I now have a wonderful husband, and 4 beautiful children-my 2 daughters, and 2 stepsons. I’m so grateful to the coronavirus situation for helping me and my
family realize the best outcome can come out of the worst circumstances.
So, what have I learnt in the past few weeks?
The best outcome can come out of the worst circumstances.
We plan and plan, but only God knows what will eventually happen.
We must go with the flow of life, and not resist life happenings too much. This only leads to sadness and depression.
True love and true relationships are much better than all the hype that goes with most weddings.
A small wedding is actually very enjoyable. The people who really matter are present, and even if they are not, they’ll still
rejoice and celebrate with you.
Money is irrelevant as long as you have love in your life, and you’re in good health.
Life events happen the way they should in order for some people to be inspired by it. (So many people have been touched and
inspired by our love story and our unusual zoom wedding).
Someone out there needs to hear your life story....that’s why your life story is happening to you the way it is.
Some people will remain ignorant, foolish and misinformed; no matter what. (Those on social media who assume, because I’m a black
woman marrying a white man...it MUST be because of $$$....because a successful black woman can’t just fall in love with a successful white man?). Ignorance sure is a disease.
Some negative responses are a compliment and a blessing! Lol (those who assumed I was in my 20s or 30s, and marrying a sugar
daddy). Thanks for telling me I look 20-30 years younger than I am!! Yippee!! It’s much better not to respond to negative comments on social media.....or even in real life. Just smile, shake it
off and keep it moving.
Stereotypes are dangerous! Not everything or everyone is what you think. Be careful of false judgment.
Those who are most envious or jealous of you are those who really want what you have, and can’t have it. (the 2 groups of people who’ve always given me and my husband the evil eye; even while
we were still dating, and out and about, and now on social media with nasty comments are...1) middle aged white women....or about mid 30s onwards, and 2) black men in their 30s onwards). Figure
out why? Because these are the two groups wondering why they weren’t the chosen ones! Get over it, people.
People are really hurting out there. Please be kind to everyone you meet or encounter. I’ve received so many sad messages from women in the past weeks since my wedding asking me for guidance
on so many different unfortunate life situations.....please be kind to all!
God is still God even in the midst of this pandemic. Pray, pray and pray without ceasing. He is still the master Comforter and Prince of Peace!
That’s it, folks.... I could think of many many more lessons I’ve learnt in the past few weeks, but I’ll stop here! Please share the lessons you have learnt here on the blog or comment on one of
my social media posts—on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.
And please share this BLOG with your friends and family who need to read it.
Oh.......one more lesson I’ve learnt in the past few weeks. I can walk 5 miles just pacing up and down my living room, or walking up and down my stairs at home. Get up and move, folks!!! Social
distancing should not mean inactivity!
May we all be permanently happy by gathering wisdom in all of life’s happenings!
See you in June on the blog!
If there’s any topic you’d like me to write about in June or beyond, please let me know.
Lots of love,
Dr. Iyabo
March 16, 2020
A Piece About Peace
Are you still trying to search for happiness? Wondering why so many people seem happy and you are not? Are you still scrolling through social media and asking yourself when you’ll be as radiant,
as accomplished, and as fulfilled as everyone else you see on there?
First of all, don’t be deceived. Everyone you see on social media isn’t as happy and bright as they seem. People post the best of their best: looking their best, feeling their best, and smiling
their best. Few are going to post sad and unflattering pictures of themselves. Some do, but that’s not the norm. And if you’re one who keeps posting depressing stories about yourself, you may
turn your followers off or people may start to really worry about you.
So everyone on social media is either trying to build their brand by posting the best posts of themselves or trying to uplift others by posting lovely and refreshing posts.
2020 has been a mixed bag so far for the whole world. With the global coronavirus situation, a plunging stock market, fears of a recession, the Kobe Bryant tragedy, and the ongoing elections in
the US, the first three months of 2020 have been a bumpy roller-coaster ride for all of us.
This has led to increasing uncertainties and fears. Children are fearful and anxious about all of the above—so are all of us adults!
Trust me, as I turn 50 this year, every scenario I’ve discussed with young women, I’ve also personally experienced at one time or the other, so it just shows how similar and intertwined all our
lives are.
Green, yellow, white, black, African, Asian, European, immigrant, nonimmigrant, short, tall, rich, poor…we all have human issues we have to deal with from time to time.
But such is life. Such is the randomness of life. Such is the mystery of life. Life is dynamic. There will always be ups and downs. If you’ve lived several decades, you’ll know that life always
throws you curveballs.
Happiness is not guaranteed. Happiness is not certain. Happiness cannot be bought. Happiness is fleeting. And happiness should never be anyone’s goal in life. If you expect to be happy most of
the time, you’ll be disappointed most of the time.
So if happiness should not be our goal as humans, then what should be our goal? Isn’t happiness the ultimate emotional state to strive for?
Who doesn’t want to be happy?
Yes, we all want to be happy. But happiness should not be our goal. Peace should be our goal. Peace is the ultimate human emotional state.
Peace is permanent happiness. (My first published book is titled Permanent Happiness—and it offers ways to bring peace into your life.)
Really? Peace should be our goal? Yes, it should be, and it must be! Happiness is fleeting. Peace is constant. Happiness is reliant on external factors. Peace is reliant on your inner self and on
the grace of God. To be happy, you need things, stuff, people, relationships, good news, etc. But peace is a choice you make that—regardless of any external happenings or any external
circumstances—you will have tranquility of your mind and soul and be grateful regardless. Peace is looking at the bigger picture. Peace is holding on strong to faith, believing that this too
shall pass. Peace is weathering every storm of life that is beyond your control and staying centered and grounded through it all, knowing that you are loved by the Creator.
Purchase Book Here
So what are some practical day-to-day ways of finding peace and being peaceful?
Here are some that have helped me find peace:
Turn off the news.
Be close to nature. Get outside for a walk every day. Walk barefoot in nature whenever you can–this is a very grounding practice.
Be mindful of your company. Build a positive community of family and friends. The quantity of your company is irrelevant; only the quality matters. Two great friends are better than twenty
who send your mind into chaos!
Be around pets.
Exercise every single day, and make sure you enjoy it. If you hate going to the gym, walk outdoors instead, or try something else you actually enjoy. There are many exercise options. Yoga,
Pilates, tennis....
Choose foods to heal your body and soul. Fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds. Drink more water.
Help someone. Help the needy. Uplift someone with your words, your time, and your gifts.
Be optimistic. Keep a positive outlook for everything. Live by the nine fruit of the Spirit.
Pray daily, and often during the day. “God, I need you” is a prayer. You don’t need to pray for 12 continuous hours before God hears you. He wants you to have a balanced life.
Cook a meal with loved ones, and eat together.
Reduce your time on social media.
Journal every day.
Appreciate the simple things of life—sunrises, sunsets, beautiful flowers…
Be grateful.
If a situation has been giving you grief and sadness for too long, walk away from it. What is your reason for putting up with it? No job or person or relationship should constantly bring you
grief. You are not a tree! Walk away, and restart and reset your life!
Read, read, and read more books.
Practice intentional and deep breathing.
Spend time alone every single day. This is important. Solitude is not loneliness. Solitude is crucial for our inner peace.
Do you know of any more peace-giving practices?
Please comment and share below or comment on one of my social media pages—Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn.
May we all find peace—permanent happiness—through all external circumstances life may throw at us.
