M.K. Sheehan's Blog, page 5

You Are Enough

My offering today is not to direct or instruct but to share some hard-won wisdom. You are enough exactly as you are. You have all of the skills, talents, and experiences required to do everything that needs to be done. Even as we strive to grow and improve, never forget that you are completely perfect, exactly as you are right now. You are enough.

It is necessary and important to take care of yourself and to take your time. There is no race. There is no accomplishment that is more valuable or necessary than your own personal wellness and wellbeing. Taking care of your needs first – if that is mental health, doctors appointments, or just taking a break – these are your priorities. There is no power in exhaustion or depletion. And it does not serve you to do too much. Trust that those you are surrounded by may be relied upon. Let others lift you up and support you. Give other people the opportunity to surprise, delight, and share their gifts with you. 

Let yourself do less. So often our culture of consumption guides us to do more, be more productive, purchase more goods, be involved in more projects. But the answers lie in less. Consume less. Do less. Be involved in fewer things. Give yourself space and time to rest, to learn, to gather your thoughts before you push yourself to accomplish or acquire one more thing. Let yourself be done. Let yourself have enough. What you have is ok. You are enough as you are one this moment. And you don’t need to change, develop, learn or grow any more. Be satiated. Be satisfied. And let yourself enjoy the pleasure of arriving exactly as you are, where you are, right now. 

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Choose Your Own Adventure

As life unfolds around us, one spectacular moment to the next. It is easy to forget that life is a choose your own adventure. The predictable norms, the everyday dramas may constrain us with their familiarity. We become trapped in routine or feel trapped by the very goals we once felt ourselves striving towards. But much like pushing on a door that refuses to budge, terrified we’ll never escape the monotony. Like a haunted house, all it takes is a birds eye view to notice the door pulls open. We had the power all along and we only needed to take a step back to see it.

Feeling closed off from opportunities can be suffocating. But none of us has to feel that way. Take a few deep breaths, step away from the situation, and look at the big picture. When we feel locked into a situation we are operating in flight, fight, or freeze. Our instinctual focus on survival limits our perception to only the immediate future and what is imminently necessary for survival. The very strength that helps us see a path through the woods to safety in order to avoid a predator can be a weakness in our modern lives. Because when we relax and step back we can see a variety of pathways out or through whatever obstacles we are facing. 

Rest and recovery not only sustain us to go further they also give us the presence of mind to see all of the options and opportunities that surround us. There is not only one path, there are many. And much  like eagles in flight, our vision is not just of the trees ahead of us but of the entire forrest. Eagles do not flap their wings so much as glide. Riding air currents high above they are able to see further. When we take a long range view we do not need to work as hard. Like eagles we can work smarter, allowing the air currents to lift us above the daily discourse and into the larger picture. 

When we’re looking down from above we see the best path not just an immediate escape. We are no longer pushing ourselves to exhaustion. We are riding the waves and able to formulate a plan. It is both freeing and elating to see the bigger picture. So if your life is feeling more like a haunted house or as if you are trapped, instead of letting the monotony drag you down remember you have the option to rise above. You can take a step back to see what comes next for you. The next path or adventure you choose pick intentionally for yourself. 

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Changing your Luck

Whether you are a religious person or not many of us have heard the sentiment, “Let Go, Let God.” The suggestion is used to remind us to release the illusion of control. The simple desire to have things in our lives go well, or go “right,’ leads us to the image of ourselves at the center of the universe. This perception leads us to believe that we are in some way controlling what comes to us and into our lives. And we can’t control the universe but we can control our actions and by shifting our patters we can absolutely change our luck.

We are often told to be attentive to our thoughts as that is what will be drawn into your life. A study was done on this concept of mindset and opportunity. The researchers collected several individuals who considered themselves both lucky and unlucky. The researchers told their subjects to go get a morning coffee. What the researchers did not tell the subjects was that they had left five dollars on the floor of the coffee shop.

The majority of people who considered themselves unlucky did not even see the money on the ground. They reported having an uneventful or average morning. The individuals who considered themselves lucky noticed the money and picked it up. They also did something else – they paid it forward. They added the money to the tip jar or bought a stranger in line behind them their drink. Many of the people who considered themselves lucky made new friends or business connections by sharing the money they found. Almost all of them both found the money and used it to do some good for others which resulted in a boomerang effect. Because they sent light, joy, goodness, out into the world, they also received that same energy back. They considered this how the universe works.

Therefore, just as we can practice smiling to put ourselves in a good mood. We can also fake the control we have over the universe by putting some goodness out into it. Perhaps you are having a rough day but if you do small things to improve the lives of others that reciprocity will catch up with you too. 

How can you take better care of yourself and trust the universe a little more? What healthful practice do you use when you feel yourself holding on a little too tightly?

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Summertime Traditions

Summer is one of those times when I try to keep my schedule open. I like the freedom to say yes to an impromptu pool visit or trip to the market. I revel in the simple pleasures of popping out to the library and grabbing dinner with a friend. It feels so serendipitous and romantic. It also helps to break away from the rigid schedules of the school year and winter months. We can easily overbook ourselves throughout the year but I find making space for myself seasonally helps me to enjoy the flavors and delights unique to that time of year. 

One of my favorite summer past times is strawberry picking. When I was a little girl my grandmother let the wild vines in her backyard thrive. She was always pointing out sweet little red berries for me to pick and devour right away. There is nothing sweeter than a sun warmed berry in your mouth. When I first started my own garden strawberries were the only plants I grew. I eventually waded into tomatoes, beans, zucchinis, and squash. But my favorite standbys have always been strawberries. 

And so each summer I call the strawberry hotline – our local berry pick-your own market has one – where you can call to find when the strawberries are ready and then head to the fields. The earlier the better for strawberry picking. It is such a delightful adventure to pack up the kiddos and head to the farm for a morning of berry picking. We always collect some fresh produce, a pie for dessert, and donuts. They also get a chance to play at the park after they’re done devouring their own berries and breakfast treats. 

Another joy for me is to bring home the berries and make jam. Jam making in the summer is not only a sign of the season but a sweet way to bring our whole family together. Each summer I make a point to invite my cousins to come visit. Sometimes they stay for dinner and if I’m lucky they stay for a week or two. It gives us the chance to catch up, connect, and bond.

There’s no better activity for teenagers then helping not only pick berries but also to pare them, pummel them to jam, and talk over the activity as a family. What a delight to work together to make something so sweet and fresh. We use my grandmother’s recipe, which admittedly is a lot of sugar. The Kerr jar company of the 70’s liked their sweetener and so do we. If you’re going to make jam, make it good. 

It feels so wholesome to prepare jam from my grandmother’s recipe, using the mason jars she once did to make new memories with our family. I hope my kiddos remember these sweet summer rituals with joy. It fills my heart to think of the love I pour into each batch and the joy I reap in sharing this summertime tradition with another generation. The spoils of summer are many – what are your favorite ways to enjoy them? 

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Reciprocity: Capacity vs. Desire

Today I want to write about capacity. The desire our children or partners, employers or friends may place upon us for more. This could be asking for time, energy, bandwidth, or attention – all of it is their desire. There is our ability to meet their need or potentially find that we lack the capacity to meet that need. It can feel like failure when someone brings us needs that we cannot fulfill – particularly when we want to help. In healthy relationships we may wish to grow ourselves in order to be a better match for our companions.

First, let’s look at this from the perspective of boundaries and what is appropriate. Other people may make requests of us. Namely our children, friends, or partners, with whom we are in healthy and reciprocal relationships may ask us to grow. Relationships built upon trust and healthy boundaries. In these relationships we may occasionally be asked to rise to the occasion – which we may choose or choose not to do. It is important to remember this as a decision. 

We may demonstrate either our willingness to rise or our decisiveness to decline. Assessing this opportunity might lead us to recognize that the stakes for this ask are too high. Or the request may be outside of our willingness to give. It is possible for us to increase our capacity. It is possible to choose to step forward into a new comfort zone. However the decision must be made willingly, not due to pressure from others.

Choices to increase our capacity include seeking counseling, therapy, reading self-help materials or engaging proactively in self-work. The choice to work through our own traumas, emotions, and rebuild or destroy bridges is a heavy one. This is not light lifting or easy work. It is necessary work only if we want to meet those we love where they are and feel ready to do so. Not simply because we want to be able to meet their needs and expectations of us. 

To raise your capacity requires digging in to the difficult work of self-care and self-love. It means taking ownership for your role in the care and nurturing of your personal energy and needs. It also means being willing to be more vulnerable and open to the people we love. 

I cannot stress strongly enough the necessity of only doing this work for and with professional guidance and only in healthy relationships. This work is not meant to support co-dependence. These are not matters that you can resolve by working on yourself alone. But if you want to give more and feel you can’t without help, that is when you may choose to invest time, energy, and resources in working through the deeply impactful challenges you have faced in life. 

We all have the capacity to give. The ability to look deeply at our histories and learn more about our own healing and growth exists. Choosing to do so is an option. You may wish to increase your capacity as a loving devotion to yourself and your loved ones. Do not tear open old wounds in an attempt to demonstrate martyrdom. You will only re-traumatize yourself and this is an act of violence on your own tender heart.

When someone asks you for more than you are comfortable giving that may be an attempt to subvert your boundaries. It is totally appropriate not to make changes to yourself if you don’t want to do this. Hold your boundaries and only give what you are comfortable sharing. Do not go out of your way to meet another person’s needs, simply because they ask, or demand, or will whine or complain. Your work is not to make yourself miserable for the benefit of someone else. Relationships between adults are meant to be reciprocal and it is not your role to sacrifice your personal wellbeing or health to accommodate anyone else. Anyone who attempts to center themselves at a cost to you is not asking for love or support. They are asking you to sacrifice your welling being for theirs. This is not an appropriate or reasonable ask.

Choose to increase your capacity on your own terms. Choose to do so in order to come to the world a more honest, full, and complete version of yourself. Increase capacity so that you have more to give yourself first. Listen and trust yourself. Set and hold your boundaries. It is ok to be willing to grow in order to be a better person, parent, or partner. But let being better for yourself be your first reason. Your heart will know the difference and the gift is that much better when it comes from your heart and not from a place of control.

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Mantras to Trust the Universe

Spring is here, brightly colored birds are making their way through the skies. Everything in this region has been wintering. All of us resting, cozy, and warmly ensconced at home are sleepily opening our eyes to a new day. Now that the sun is shining, much like the geese overhead, everyone is out and about. We have anxiously and eagerly awaited the arrival of spring. Like new flowers we blossom with the turn of season. With this shift in mind, I have written some Mantras to trust the universe for all of us to use. Mantras help us to calm, center, and ground ourselves when we’re in the midst of change. My hope is that these mantras serve you as you embrace the change of season and rebirth of spring.

I trust that what the universe has in store will not pass me by. 

That which is meant of me cannot be lost or missed. 

The gifts of the universe are safely on their way, my role is to be present and prepared. 

I willingly accept the gifts the universe provides. 

I trust that where I am is exactly where I am meant to be. 

My heart and hands  are open. 

That which I am intended to have I am prepared to accept.

As we enter a new season let us focus is on centering. The goal is to have no expectations of what is to come while maintaining anticipation for great things. Trusting that where we are in this moment is exactly where the universe intends us to be. In this moment we are to be learning and growing all that we can so that we may move forward with ease and delight when the time is right. I hope you use these mantras to trust the universe to center yourself and bloom this spring.

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Guided Meditation

Stress is a common part of modern life. Perhaps it’s one topic or several but when we’re overwhelmed we’re not our best selves. And that’s ok, one great way to ground ourselves and get calm is through a guided meditation. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to do everything on your own. As Ina Garten reminds us, “Store bought is fine.”

We start by not holding ourselves to an impossible standard. Instead let someone else guide you toward the calm or frame of mind you wish to embody. Relinquish control and the self-imposed responsibility to be perfect. Spoiler – none of us are perfect. So on days when things are feeling particularly chaotic or you’re feeling overwhelmed with emotions or demands let go. Give yourself a break and choose a guided meditation to to not only soothe your nerves but also to remind you of the path you have chosen for yourself. 

One of the really lovely things about paying attention to our bodies and our mental state is that we notice when something is awry. Rather than behaving in ways that are not true to ourselves we’re able to stop and refocus. We are able to prevent ourselves from acting out. Whenever I feel as if I am getting carried away with emotion or stress that is my body’s signal, I need to meditate. And, whenever possible, take the easy route and let someone else guide your focus. When we’re already worked up it’s hard to get into a calm frame of mind. It’s ok to look elsewhere for coaching – it’s how we level up our self-care. Guided meditations are an easy way to get out of a negative mindset and escape the pressure to be perfect.

How do you level up your self-care?

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Summer Break

It’s summer break! Here’s a list of some fun things you can do to treat yourself better and create more fun and joy to fill your memory banks. Summertime isn’t just about kids having fun. So often we get jealous of people who go on vacation or children making their way to camp. What if you gave yourself the gift of fun too? Making time for fun and pleasure is not just for kids. Finding joy in your daily life keeps things exciting, gives us something to look forward to, and brings us closer to our purpose of being alive. We aren’t here to suffer or make amends, we’re here to thrive and enjoy every morsel. 

There’s a wonderful line in the Talumud which reads, “A person will be called to account on Judgement Day for every permissible thing they might have enjoyed but did not.” Embrace happiness and let your highlight reel be a joyful expression of your love for life and for yourself. These ideas aren’t super expensive or tricky, you only have to give yourself permission to partake in the delights.

Watch the sunsetEat an ice cream or frozen popsicle on the stoop or in the grass.Swing at your local park – you can do this in the morning before it gets too hot!Take yourself to the beach – or turn your backyard into your own beach oasis with a towel, some sunscreen, and a shallow pool of cool water.Read a book under the shade of a tree.Take a hike or go on a walk in the evening with friends.Turn on the sprinkler and run through it!Take a nap.Draw with sidewalk chalk or blow bubblesPick some flowers and put them in a cup of water

Invite a friend or loved one to join you in any of these endeavors for an added boost of connection and memory making. Joy is always doubled when shared. Happy Summer break!

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Subtracting to Add

I recently watched an interview Trevor Noah, the former host of the Daily Show, did with Oprah. He asked her after having spoken with so many leaders in fields spanning all areas of interest and society what contributes most effectively to a person’s success. Oprah’s response was simple, “Everything – every choice and movement you make needs to be aligned with your purpose.” 

When you know your purpose you can direct your course towards making that path the one you choose to follow. Distractons delay, detour, or completely knock us off course. When you decide what it is that you want to do in this life and in the world – every step and decision you make should be in pursuit of that higher goal. Your energy, be it at rest or in motion, needs to be focused on that goal. 

To me it seemed much like writing a novel. Every line needs to have a role. Every word written must be necessary and relevant. Superfluous language or details only distract from your message. The purpose is the clarity of your story. If any line, paragraph, or sentence is not in service to telling your story, delete it. Every word must reveal more about your characters, provide your reader with necessary and relevant information, or it needs to be removed. Anything extra is distracting from that message. As an author this makes sense to me. It creates a solid ground and structure that I can follow. I am on a path and as I make my way towards my goal I only stay on the path that leads to better telling of this story. 

According to Oprah, this works in life as well. When you focus on your goal nothing should distract you. I have found that my heart knows what it wants it prioritizes that path anyway. The things I don’t want to do are so difficult for me to force myself to complete. There is mental and sometimes physical resistance to the things that do not serve my true purpose. It’s difficult and draining when I’m doing things that are not in service to my goal. 

I would encourage you to look at the things you are doing. What tasks feel like a breeze and you could do them all day? What projects or tasks feel like an absolute slog?

Keep a list beside you as you go through a regular day. Draw a line down the middle of the page. On the left side list the items that feel like a dream and delight you. On the other side of the line write down the tasks you completed but didn’t enjoy at all. Some things are necessary evils, we have to wash the dishes if we want to eat off of clean plates tomorrow. There are also some tasks that we do simply because we feel obligated. What terrible duties do you feel exhausted by? They are taking too much time and energy. Is it possible to delegate these tasks or remove them from your chore list entirely? Are they necessary? 

As you subtract those tasks that are not aligned with your true purpose and higher power you may find that not only are you happier but you are also free to pursue more of the good things that bring you joy and align with who you are. It may mean subtracting relationships, tasks, etc. But as you make room in your life for joy, purpose, and your dreams, life becomes a lot richer and more fulfilling. You are create space for those events, people, and projects that deeply nourish you and fuel your pursuit of your goals rather than distracting you from them. 

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Patterns of Joy

There are events happening all day in all of our lives. The majority of those moments will be completely forgotten and lost to our memories. The moments we highlight and the patterns we recognize become the story of our day. Depending on our mood, the weather, and a million other small things we can choose to label our day as good one or bad. The day can be either, or some variation in between, depending on our perspective. If we look for the good things and the joy in our days we are more likely to highlight those patterns and consider the day a good one. What we look for is what we will find which is why I want to look for patterns of joy.

Therefore, in order to help us all practice looking for the good in our days I have an idea. This is something new – I haven’t even tried this yet but I’m excited to test it out. Every day this week I am going to  take a picture of the best part of my day. I am going to do that for two reasons. First, because it immediately has my mind on the look out for good things. Secondly, it keeps me wondering, engaged, and present. I am not looking for the day to fall apart. I am looking for more and more goodness and opportunities to create more joy in my daily life. 

The act of looking for joy primes the pump and has me already shifting my focus towards looking for the good. This practice may even turn into a running collection or album of these photos. It may result in a variety of joyful images – laughing with friends, a beautiful scene out the window, the dog cuddled on my lap. Not every day is a vacation photo image but there are beautiful moments that make up our lives. A quick photo reminds us to look for joy first. And on days when we’re feeling down or disheartened it’s a lot easier to scroll through happy photos than it is to try to remember all the good things off the cuff.

The simple act of focusing on and amplifying the joy in our lives helps us appreciate what we have already. To our brains, life is made up of patterns. But we get to choose what patterns to seek. Let’s look for patterns of joy, laughter, friendship, fun, and see how our perspectives and our lives shift. 

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