M.K. Sheehan's Blog, page 4

Timelessness

Lately I have been feeling short on time and long on obligations. There’s so much I want to accomplish but never the time to complete a task. I am pulled from work obligations, to personal plans and goals, and before I know it another day, another week, another month is gone. With so much calling for my attention it feels like I am always missing something. When that happens I try to remember that I am showing up for the things that are truly important. I am there for family time, for important events, and for the celebrations that make life more beautiful.

I recently sent a friend a pair of sandals. A long time ago I was a new mother in a new home and she was a new friend. We were not close but she offered to come take photos of the baby and I accepted. Short on both time and support I was grateful she came. This friend was an absolute dream and her visit solidified a budding connection. For the first time I felt fully embraced in my new identity. I was simultaneously a friend, a woman, and a mother. I wasn’t just one or the other, I was all of the above. As I was learning to be all three at once this friend gave me the space and time to be exactly who I was and who I was becoming in the same moment. I felt whole with her.

As she was leaving we found that as we had been staging photos, our dog had devoured her shoes. He had simply destroyed them. She thought nothing of it and left, thanking me for hosting as I profusely apologized. Later, I remembered her kindness and her shoes and so, I sent her a pair.

She was surprised and delighted. This time around she herself has two new little ones and is wading in that uneven territory between a new stage of womanhood, family life and individual autonomy. She had completely forgotten her original pair of shoes and asked if I was a mindreader? I reminded her of her kindness so long ago, and we got to talking about time. 

I shared that when I am attempting to conform or comply with the modern construct of time I feel perpetually late. As if I’m failing to uphold some sort of sacred bargain. Whereas if I follow my own rhythm and natural timing it seems I am always showing up at exactly the right moment. I am not rushed and I am arriving just when needed. 

She shared her own perspective. “You followed your impulses to that moment and, like magic, you made something manifest for me at the precise moment when it was needed in my life. If you ignore time and follow your inner voice instead, you are able to have perfect timing for everything you do in life (minus the boring things like getting to work on time of course).”  I rebel against the modern construct of time as something to conform to or obey. Following my own timing I am perfectly settled. When I attempt to follow the guidelines of time others set, I am often late and discombobulated.

Time becomes something I am guilty of rather than something I use wisely. And maybe that’s the conflict I am feeling around the concept of lateness. It is both a tool of control and something we mutually agree to conform to in a society. I recognize that time and timing are different things but do they need to be? Is it possible that we could exist in a timeless environment where we follow not the regimented hours of production and capitalism but instead trusted ourselves and each other to arrive when the time is right for each of us? For train stations and busses this idea is impractical and maybe it only works for some of us. Still the idea of living free of time is invigorating.

Perhaps the issue isn’t time so much as the value we place upon it. We treat timeliness and tardiness as personal failing. From a young age we learn that it is inconsiderate to be late. And perhaps it is, if you consider time spent waiting or alone wasted. Still, it could also be that we are simply arriving at the exact right time for us. It could be that by honoring our sacred rhythms we connect more deeply to ourselves and our natural interests and inclinations. That our inclinations save us from spending time on those obligations that we instinctively know are not for us. We may arrive a decade late but it is just the right time. Timelines are for strangers and work associates. Time is not the business of creativity, connection, or communing with our deeper longings, innermost knowledge, and truest friends. 

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Be Your Own Hero

What we choose to focus on and give our attention to will be our perspective. If we fixate on what offends us that is all we will see in the world. Much like when watching television you are in control of the channel. If you don’t like what’s on, you have the right and the responsibility to change it. Choose your your viewpoints rather than be pressed or depressed by them. Norah Ephron wrote, “Always be the heroine of your own story, never the victim.”

We often get caught up in the idea of a knight in shining armor. A Robin Hood, that will waltz in at the right moment to save us from our fates. But as President Obama once said, “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” It’s us. We are the ones who are going to have to do the work of saving ourselves and of making our own lives more beautiful.

The first step is looking honestly at your life and deciding if there is something you can change. If you have conflict that is hurting your heart it’s ok to take a break. A quick way to know if this is happening is to check your text messages – if the top five conversations contain negative comments or complaints you have a choice to make. You can choose to continue to feel victimized by the situation or you can choose to get out of it. 

The fist step is to decide you want to do something differently. It is both as easy and as hard as it sounds. I am a firm believer that you can run away from your problems. If a particular group or friend feels as if they are taking more from you than they are giving back it’s ok to walk away. It is also ok to take space and time to heal before you return to that relationship, if you ever do. If you’re unsure I would encourage a cooling off period. This will give you time to assess, reflect, and calm down before you make a decision. The answer is already in you.

Setting boundaries is one excellent way that you can keep someone in your life while also getting your needs met. Boundaries exist to assure that we all feel safe and supported in our relationships. When someone gives you a boundary they are telling you that they want you in their lives and this is one way in which they can see that happening. 

Another great way to shift your perspective is to talk to a therapist or counselor, someone who can give you the tools to process your emotions and work through your feelings. You don’t need to inform others if you choose therapy. Though it has become somewhat a badge of honor these days. The work you do with your therapist or counselor is private and personal. They are able to provide the care that you need to heal or locate the root of your issue. It’s easy to keep having the same fight, it’s a lot harder to determine what situations feel unsafe or undesirable to you. With therapy and boundaries you may be able to heal and find a healthy way to engage with others.

Life can be hard but it is also a lovely and beautiful experience. If you’re feeling more miserable than joyful it’s a good idea to talk with someone you trust. There may be a medicinal solution that works for you or a therapeutic treatment that enables you to live the life you want that includes the people and experiences you want most in your life. When we choose to take care of ourselves we choose joy. And when we feel joyful, healed, and healthy we start to draw the right people, situations, and events into our lives. I can thinking of nothing more heroic than that.

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Filling the Well

Filling the well within allows our potential to flourish. While careers or jobs may be more lucrative financially than personally fulfilling it is important to nourish our creativity. When we are performing work that is labor intensive or mentally draining it is also important to fuel our creativity. That well calls for inspiration, color, daydreams. We are striving to succeed and achieve personal and professional goals but we also need to nourish ourselves. 

The pressure to succeed at everything we do seems to be indicative of a societal obsession with perfection. We perceive our work as lacking and so we grind harder, rather than taking a break. This is particularly easy when we hold ourselves, or our work, up to the finest creations in history. Rather than the creative work that artists must do to build up to their masterpieces we consider VanGoh’s Starry Night, or Monet’s Water Lillies. Even though there were many rough drafts, and in Monet’s case years of patient gardening, that went into the painting of a single image. We forget that our own potential requires work and ongoing development. We are forever learning, changing, and growing our talents – it is the practice that is the most powerful. When we practice we build up to our own creative, personal, and professional masterpieces. 

We often look up to successful or powerful people as examples of what is possible. But it is also possible to be discouraged by their examples because they are doing already what we long to do in the future. I recently heard this fabulous advice from a friend, “You are not in competition with anyone else.” Other people will be doing their work their way, you will do your own work your own way. There were talkshow hosts before Oprah and painters before Frida Kahlo. We are not here to do the only original thing – we are here to do our own original thing. Allow yourself to thrive in the places where you are most interested, engaged, and motivated. Show up and do your creativity as only you can do it.

Water the seeds of your potential by nourishing and filling your own well first. Hydrate, meditate, focus on the abundance that fills your life, rather than the scarcity of trying to model yourself after someone else. Never make yourself tinier to fit someone else’s package. We are revived and enlivened by creating. We cannot give to others or the world if we do not first care for ourselves. It is my deepest hope that as you grow and strive for whatever dreams or hopes you carry in your heart. I hope that you create from a sense of fullness. Because there is nothing missing in you, you have everything you need in your head, heart, and soul. There is no doubt that whatever you hope for you can have, if only you try. – M

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Honor Your Aura

I recently had lunch with a friend who happened to notice my aura. He observed that mine is white. Later I looked up what a white aura means. White auras are the rarest hue. They indicate someone who is typically calm and who may be impressionable or at risk of taking on the energies of others. To honor your aura you first have to know what it is! To find what color your aura is you can try this technique.

I experienced a great test of that white aura energy absorption recently. Today we had some work done on our house. The dog was protective and his anxious energy flooded into me. After a few hours I noticed how worn down and exhausted I became just interacting with others.

Some say we get truly tired when we are doing too much of what we don’t want to do and not feeding our passions. Others believe that it depends on our personality type. If we are naturally introverted being among other people can drain us, more than being in solitude. As many of us juggle jobs, schedules, and social engagements it is worth considering what serves us. Evaluating if you require more time alone or at home. Do you feed off of the energy of others or does it exhaust you?

There is no right answer for all of us. And most of us exist on a spectrum. The benefits of taking time to consider and evaluate what feels healthiest to you. Do you feel your best when you are engaged with others or do you thrive when left alone? I notice that I need more time alone to reflect, work, and create independently. Whether my aura is white or not, it takes a lot out of me to be around crowds or groups. Therefore, I try to limit those gatherings to shorter time periods and frequency. I also try to keep my surroundings familiar and comfortable.  

There are always situations we can’t control – the dog freaking out, a traffic delay, or even consuming media that leaves us more drained than filled. Giving ourselves space and time to feel our feelings, discern our comfort levels, and make space for community or solitude will better serve us. To honor your aura and create environments were we can grow in a sustainable way. Paying attention to our energy and what we need most makes all of our environments healthier and more nurturing. 

How do you guard your energy? What strategies do you employ to help yourself thrive and not feel overwhelmed by other people’s energy? 

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Rain and Awe

Rain is impressive in its tenderness and its force. It can be graceful and calming. Storms may also rattle our windows and send our pets scampering for shelter. It is the peaceful and gentle falling of water that I embrace today. That is the energy I am bringing to life this week. I am not pushing ahead in fury and fear. I am simply lingering in the rain. 

Feeling the water splash down on my face like a gentle blessing my awareness is of how each and every rain drop is a gift. I am lucky enough to be here to enjoy it. Breathing deep to savor this moment I do not have to rush to get to my next appointment or goal. I am hopeful and I am also patient. 

Pausing in these transitional moments allows us to reframe and refocus. When we give ourselves time to enjoy the present moment and appreciate its magnitude we are also adding to our health and wellbeing. Research shows, “awe is critical to our well-being — just like joy, contentment‌ and love.” And awe is available to all of us in our everyday lives. We need not seek it out – by spending a lot of money or traveling to far off lands, though that may inspire awe as well – we can find awe in small moments in regular life.

It is a gift to be humbled by the weather and to be reminded how very small we all are. In our smallness we are free to absorb the sensation of awe as we witness the miracle of this planet. These are the moments that make hearts sing and open us up to things that are new, simple and powerful. Wee are experiencing not just an abundance of emotion but an expansion of joy that we are finally in a position to absorb and appreciate.

Where do you find awe in your daily life?

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Perspective Impacts Experience

I recently attended a writer’s workshop where the focus was on developing our craft, the publishing process, and how to get to the next level with our writing. I attended a talk where the speakers were friends. Instead of supporting each other’s best perspectives they dragged on another down. Both respected and known authors in their fields, they had independently achieved a certain amount of success. However, instead of talking about their accomplishments and celebrating them they instead chose to focus on how hard won those victories were.

While there is much to be said for honesty in a public forum and not sugarcoating the process to those in the audience it could have been defeating. The talk overly focused on the setbacks, challenges, and rejection that can be part of pursuing a writing career. Rather than giving hope, the speakers could not see beyond their personal hardship. They described their experiences as writers and anxiety ridden, full of disappointment, and rejection. 

As a counter to that, we all know that every path is challenging. As Tom Hanks told us in A League of the Their Own, “the hard is what makes it great.” But if you can’t enjoy being invited to speak at an industry event, and feel flattered or honored perhaps the wins are lost on you. Perhaps your perspective needs a tune up. Because to those of us in the audience being on stage and invited to speak is a very real victory. Several attendees spoke in the hall about having no interest in hearing about the challenges. We all know the challenges. We want to know how you came to be where you are as a respected industry expert. And if you can’t see your victory from up on a stage, chances are you never will, unless you make some real changes to your perspective. 

Perhaps that is the deeper lesson, how profoundly your perspective impacts your experience. We cannot enjoy the good if we are not looking for it. Instead of allowing our challenges to embitter us let us use them to motivate us as we move forward. We overcame so much to get here – isn’t that incredible? And this is true of every person in every room, not only those on stage. You made it here – that is worthy of joy and celebration!

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Mid-Year Review

We’re at the half-way point in the year and it’s time to pull out our vision boards again. I like to do this mid-year review around Christmas in July because it gives me a refresh. I get to remind myself of my goals and see if they still align with where I’m headed. If not, it’s time to purge.

I don’t like to get rid of the ideas that I thought enough of to save and stick to my board. So, today I want to share what I do with those plans. When I find an idea on my vision board that no longer speaks to me I take it down. If the image or words no longer resonate with me I recycle them. Once I accomplish a goal I add it to my accomplishments journal. If I like the idea but am no longer tied as strongly to its outcome I take the image down. I then add those images to my journal.

My journals are like scrap books. I use them as notebooks, diaries, and travel logs. When I’m feeling particularly excited I write for pages. When I am trying to figure out how I feel or if I’m angry and need to process emotions, I write them out. Therefore the journals aren’t chronological and in fact they become time capsules of a small portion of my life. 

I prefer composition notebooks, I also prefer them college ruled. I put stickers, inspirational quotes, and magazine clippings inside of them. These include items from my tri-fold vision board. I add them to the notebook to remind me of where I thought I was heading but maybe didn’t end up. This process is cathartic because I’m freeing space on my vision board.

The empty space on the vision board in the second half of the year gives me room to imagine what comes next. The freedom of the empty board allows my imagination to wander, which is exactly what I want it to do as we lead up to the holidays. I want room to breathe. It is better to have fewer expectations as I work towards cramming in all of the joy, fun, and progress I can possibly smush into my life before the new year comes. In six month it will be time to strategize what comes next on this fantastic journey.

In the second half of the year I wish you tons of free space and time for imagination, old friends, and good wine. I hope you find some things that speak deeply to you and  others that you can simply set free. As we complete our mid-year review I hope you give yourself the freedom to clear some space. Remember you don’t have to accomplish everything in a single day and not even in a single year. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed – it is not an accomplishment it is a journey. I hope you savor it!

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Tell Your Own Story

When we tell the stories of our lives on social media, in family albums, or even just to ourselves we often attend to the perspective of the viewer first. What sort of person do I want them to believe I am? Or what will this person say? And then we mold the story to fit the narrative we have imagined of this outside observer. What if, instead of sculpting our stories to fit the narratives others will write about us anyway we focus on telling our story the way we view it? What if we were the primary observer of our lives? 

It’s easy to listen to the way other’s speak about us and wonder if their view is in some way truer or more authentic than our own. This happens at political rallies and at small dinner parties. Someone tells us a story from their perspective and we believe it because their view seems so compelling. Maybe they are a persuasive speaker or maybe we do not have the expertise or knowledge a the time to contradict them. But when it comes to our own lives and our own story – we get to shape and and share as we wish. We get to tell the stories of our lives because we are the main character.

Therefore, as you prepare a post or choose an image to represent an event, instead of considering if others will think it funny. Stop wondering if some other person might think this a good picture of you or whatever other perspective you might be tempted to consider. Instead reflect, do I like this image? Do I like what I’m writing or what I’m saying? Am I happy with what I’ve done or am doing? Because that’s the only thing that matters. The only relevant and important opinion is yours. Choose to be the author of your own story and not a supporting character in your own adventure. As Nora Ephron tells us, “Above all, be the heroine of you life, not the victim.”

In our own minds the world revolves around each of us. Don’t let what you imagine of someone else sculpt the narrative of your life. Tell your story exactly as you wish. Show up authentically, not as some pre-packaged version of yourself that may or may not appease others. Because someone else can only tell the story as they see it, which will never be exactly how you lived.  So choose to write your own narrative and to let your perspective be the one that shines through. Share who you are, what you believe, and be kind to yourself. Sometimes our harshest critics are in our own heads.

How have you chosen your own narrative today, this week, this year? How can you create more opportunities to tell your own stories?

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Life Goals

When we intentionally do things that bring us joy simply because they bring us joy our perspective shifts. The emails organize themselves. I find that saying, “no,” to some things is actually liberating. It frees me from taking on more than I can manage. It opens space for me to invest time in those things that bring me joy and fulfillment. Those are my true life goals.

There’s an interesting analogy that is attributed to various thinkers, investors, etc. most often Warren Buffett. The guidance is as follows:

Create a list of all you want to do in life.Rank the items on your list. Once you have ranked all the things that interest you or that you think you might like to do highlight your top five. Keep the top five. Forget about the rest.

The belief is that we can accomplish anything but we can’t accomplish everything. Items six and beyond are just tempting enough to distract us from our main goals. By eliminating them we focus our attention on our true goals. This not only makes sense but will create more space and time for those things that serve us. It prevents scope creep. 

My only suggestion is to be sure some of those top five life goals include savoring the good life. If you’re not doing the small things that bring you joy you may accomplish a great deal. But you will always be chasing more. Be intentional with your time and choose you first, always. Make a good life not just good goals.

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Choose Your Time Wisely

Part of what makes life so precious is its fleeting nature. Life is temporary. This moment be it pleasant or dreadful is only a moment and in the blink of an eye it’s gone. We often believe that if we lived forever we would lack urgency. We might never tell others how important they are to us. Or delay challenging ourselves or trying new things because there would always be tomorrow. However time is one resource that is truly limited. Choose your time wisely.

I caught a clip from a film where a waitress charged a guest for their meal in years of their life. “That will be eight and a half weeks,” she scans his arm. “Take a week for yourself as well,” he adds, as a tip. It made me sick. It was a terrifying and cavalier prospect in my mind to trade our time for a lunch or service. And yet despite our current inability to add and subtract years of our life in exchange for goods and services, don’t we do that already? Simply with our choices or by virtue of our lifestyle? We add or subtract years of our life when we eat processed foods, smoke, or lead a sedentary lifestyle. We add them when we exercise or choose connection and mutually supportive relationships over unhealthy ones. 

Each of us has the opportunity to make a difference in our lives with the choices we make. When we think about those people who are important to us, those relationships we wish to nurture and develop, doesn’t it seem worthwhile to make the effort? When we choose to be present in the moment and invested in the people around us we unlock connection. Choosing not to be distracted is an act of rebellion. By engaging fully with those who are important to us we rebel against the the constructs of entertainment. We reject the advertisers and designers who strive to keep our attention locked and our pocketbooks open. 

When we distract ourselves with fruitless entertainments we cheat ourselves out of time. We believe, “it’s just minutes,” which seems to make the time feel expendable. I have a few minutes here to scroll, I’ll check my emails again. Time does not feel significant when it is stolen in scraps and small bits. And yet over a lifetime it adds up, those minutes become days, become weeks, become years. And all of that time is lost if we don’t make a point to invest it more wisely.

If we don’t cavalierly spend it on poor choices or mindless entertainment. We might choose instead to make propeller sounds. Those sounds let us fly with a kiddo to some far off land. We do not not care if the imaginary plane breaks down. Because all we have is right now with each other. We are missing nothing. All we have is this moment. Choose your time wisely. What would you like to do with it?

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