Exponent II's Blog, page 53

Jesus Saves; Marriage Doesn’t

I’ve had the outline of this blog post percolating in my mind for at least a decade. My plan was always to wait and write it after I marry, because at that point, I would have the social standing to question the status quo in a way that a single person doesn’t. But I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone to marry, and this message is too important to wait.

I have a firm belief that righteous single people will be exalted as single people – no afterlife arranged marriage necessary. God doesn’t view married people in higher regard than single people, and my eternal fate is not to be the servant of married folks.

The belief that marriage is necessary to reach the highest degree of glory fails for the following reasons:

1. It makes God appear to be very bad at math.

Any way you slice it, requiring marriage creates a math problem. Many people at church extrapolate from the gender imbalance in the pews and believe that there will be many more women than men who merit celestial glory. Others extrapolate from the imbalanced birthrates and infant mortality rates to believe that due to more baby boys being born and dying young, that there will be more men than women in the celestial kingdom. And this doesn’t even take into account people who aren’t interested in the opposite sex. Requiring everyone to pair up is like the worst game of celestial musical chairs, and people will be left standing when the music stops.

2. It ignores the diversity of human experience.

When discussing what life in God’s presence is like, Joseph Smith revealed in Doctrine and Covenants 130:2 “And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there”. We have people of all types here, so we’ll have people of all types there. Single people are part of the society of the church (in fact, we’re the majority of the church), so we’ll be part of the society of heaven.

3. The New Testament and Book of Mormon don’t support it.

Jesus was sinless, but he was baptized to show us the way and because baptism is a required ordinance. If marriage were likewise required, it would stand to reason that there would be some textual evidence of his marriage. The fact that the New Testament is silent on the marital status of Jesus indicates that God doesn’t think marital status matters much one way or the other.

Additionally, we’re taught that the Book of Mormon contains the fullness of the gospel and teaches us the way back to God. The Book of Mormon teaches the necessity of faith, repentance, and baptism. It does not teach the necessity of marriage. All it says about marriage is that polygamy is an abomination before God, and that the Lamanites were more righteous than the Nephites because they treated their wives with love and respect.

4. It implies that Jesus doesn’t have the power to save.

Acts 4:12 teaches that there is no other name given by which we can be saved, except for by the name of Jesus. Many scriptures, both Bible and Book of Mormon, remind us that the grace of Jesus is sufficient. By adding that we also need a spouse, that is saying that the name of Jesus is not the only name by which we are saved, and that Jesus is not sufficient for salvation. This is rank blasphemy.

There is a passage in Doctrine and Covenants 131:1-4 that appears to state that marriage is necessary for exaltation. However, even assuming, for the sake of argument, that that’s really what the scripture is saying, it doesn’t follow that the eternal fate of the unmarried is either damnation or being paired with a rando.

The scriptures are full of passages detailing the necessity of baptism. Yet, we don’t perform proxy baptisms for those who died as children, because of Moroni 8:8-15. Children are alive in Christ, and baptizing them is a mockery before God. And those children who die without baptism are nonetheless saved. If the grace of God is big enough to save unbaptized babies, it is big enough to exalt unmarried adults.

Single people are often told at church that we’ll be paired up with someone in the afterlife and like it because no righteous person will be denied any blessing in the hereafter. The implication is that the blessing that will be given to us is marriage. However, Doctrine and Covenants 14:7 states “And if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God.” Marriage isn’t the gift. Eternal life is the gift, and it is given to all who keep the commandments and endure to the end. No righteous single person will be denied eternal life, even if we are denied marriage.

Guest Post: “Have” and “Have Not” budget hurts LDS Seminary students

by Jenny Smith

It’s the LDS seminary program’s shameful truth:

Seminary is underfunded, CES knows it, and it’s seminary students who are affected most.

Seminary remains the only youth program where the latest churchwide increase in youth budgets was not applied, perpetuating the old system of “haves” and “have nots”. CES — ever focused on its coddled Release Time Zone students and neglectful of the dedicated Outer Stake student — has set the current budget amount at $4.50/student per year. Seminary is taught approximately nine months a year in the US, and that amounts to 50 cents per student per month.

You read that right: 50 cents.

The budget problem is so widespread that in a survey I did of self-identifying seminary teachers, I determined family budgets help make up the budget shortfall in 85-95% of surveyed Seminary classes. This means your child’s experience in seminary is at least partially dependent on the disposable income of your child’s seminary teacher’s family. It’s true that there are many reasons for a student’s different experiences in seminary, but when you feel critical of your child’s seminary teacher, have you considered that *budget* could be the explanation for an apparent lack of creativity? A student who is in the class of a teacher who can afford Nerf guns and bacon is going to have a dramatically different experience from the teacher who blew their paltry classroom budget on a printer cartridge.

What’s most frustrating to me is that this system where students attend “have” or “have not” classrooms problem is entirely fixable, but CES and priesthood leadership simply won’t. I could speculate why: temple phrasing causes teachers to think they must pay to keep covenants, seminary is often a coveted calling and nobody wants to rock the boat, stake seminary is primarily taught by women whose unpaid labor is undervalued in favor of the male-dominated CES paid system, leaders who presume (female) stake teachers spend frivolously, or shame that you can’t afford the activities the previous teacher did. Regardless, stake seminary is a weird system of reverse priestcraft, where teachers must pay to play — or pay to pray, depending on one’s perspective.

2% of surveyed teachers reported they were asking for release because it was too expensive to pay for seminary out of family budgets.

 An Informal Report on the Stake Seminary Budget Gap by Jenny Smith, unpublished

I admin a large Facebook Group of LDS seminary teachers, and the budget problem is a frequent cause of consternation and worry. Sadly, 2% of surveyed teachers reported they were asking for release because it was too expensive to pay for seminary out of their family’s budget. These good teachers care about the classroom experiences of their students. Why doesn’t CES?

 

Jenny Smith likes Star Trek, peanut M&Ms, and tomatoes — but not necessarily at the same time.

Photo by THE 5TH: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-holding-donut-179907/

 

Confessions of a Recovering Patriarchist, Part Two

Note: This is the second in a two-part series of guest blog posts by Jennifer Thomas / David Andersen, “Confessions of a Recovering Patriarchist.” In part one, she offered her perspective as a trans woman on the LDS Church’s recent policy changes. In part two, she examines how patriarchy has led the Church’s leaders and many of its male members to enact and support these policies.

Jennifer Thomas is an openly bi-gender individual in her late 60s who spent most of her adult life experiencing patriarchal privilege as a devoted Church leader. She is happily married for over 45 years to her amazing wife, Mary Ann.

Patriarchy is like the water that we all swim in. Most of us, especially the men, are scarcely, if at all, aware of it. But its influence is everywhere, impacting almost every facet of the organization and of our culture. With men, it seems to form a thick coating that insulates them, protects them, and causes them to see things, well, differently than those who don’t enjoy the patriarchy privilege. That’s why you get statements in the Proclamation on the Family that say husbands and wives should be equal partners AND husbands should preside.

Some people, mostly women, but also some men, have learned to recognize patriarchy and are willing to call it out when needed. For me, this is an essential part of what it means to be a feminist. (You’ll know you are trending towards being a feminist when you realize that it makes no sense at all to insist that husbands and wives are equal partners but husbands preside.)

It took me quite a while to begin to detect the patriarchy that I was coated in, and I have to give most of the credit to my eldest daughter. I was serving in a stake presidency at the time the Ordain Women movement was having a moment. My daughter surprised me by speaking favorably of these women and what they hoped to accomplish. She also suggested several easy things that the Church could do to provide women with a larger role and a more prominent voice. 

When a full-on patriarch hears something that seems to be detrimental to the established order of things, the initial reaction is suspicion and doubt. If that person also happens to be a Church leader, and what he is hearing is a proposal for change, those feelings of suspicion and doubt are immediately interpreted as the spirit prompting him that this is not right. So, the easy (and seemingly obvious) answer is simply “no”.

In my case, though, I was a counselor and thus not the decision maker, meaning I could give myself the luxury of considering some of these new ideas. I also knew my daughter to be a very intelligent, thoughtful, and wise person, so I could not easily dismiss the things she was telling me.

I cautiously brought forward into a high council meeting the suggestion that we ask our Young Women to serve as ushers at our stake conference. After a few nervous chuckles, the meeting quickly moved on to other topics. In a stake presidency meeting, I pointed out that we have no female input at all on most of our deliberations, and suggested we invite the stake Relief Society president to join us on a regular basis. The stake president gave that a hard “no” explaining that with a sister in the room we would spend too much time talking and never get anything done. At this point, my patriarchal coating had developed some serious cracks and I was beginning to perceive things quite differently than before.

But it was when my social transition required me to set aside my male privilege, my priesthood, and the corresponding high-visibility offices, and I made serious efforts to be able to fit in with and learn from the sisters that a lot more of my patriarchal shell has fallen away. I know that I am not completely free of it. My wife, thankfully, will help me see that on occasion. But I can honestly say that I see things differently and more clearly now.  

Yet I still remember how hard it is for those who are fully ensconced in patriarchy to give any real consideration to what they would consider feminist incursions. Ordaining women would obviously undermine patriarchy and thus cannot be seriously considered. Church leaders were not even willing to be seen entering into dialogue with women who advocated for ordination.

Patriarchy can only be maintained if there is a gender binary. There has to be the upper group and the lower group. Transgenderism represents a direct affront to the gender binary, and thus to patriarchy. It is particularly troubling to a full-on patriarch to have to deal with men who wish to surrender their birthright and live as women, voluntarily moving from the upper group to the lower group. When a leader is troubled by something, they instinctively interpret that as divine displeasure. Most leaders have little to no opportunity to spend time with and really connect with a trans person, so they go with their gut.

The policy language reflects the fact that they (the leaders) realize that this is difficult and want to be perceived as loving. They don’t want to make it worse than it has to be (though their policy choices, by affirming transphobes, often do just that). However, they feel that they must reign in behavior that is displeasing to God, threatens the established order of things, and is becoming far more prevalent than it used to be. And there you have it.

Science is rapidly advancing in the understanding of gender. It’s way more complex than just X and Y chromosomes. Intersex people are far more prevalent than we previously understood. We know that in nature, gender is neither strictly binary nor static. (Just read about clown fish like Nemo if you want an example.)

My ask to all who would be allies: find a way to speak truth to power. Share your feelings with bishops, stake presidents, and anyone else in power that you have a relationship with. Speak up in council meetings and other appropriate settings. Don’t be prescriptive (that usually backfires), but do share how these policies make you feel. That is enough, and I believe it will eventually make a difference.

In a future day, the combination of irrefutable scientific knowledge combined with social pressure from both outside and inside the Church will force a reconsideration of these policies and hopefully, the insidiousness of patriarchy as well. Sadly, trans people will endure much pain in the meantime and the Church will suffer from their absence.

Confessions of a Recovering Patriarchist, Part One

Note: This is the first in a two-part series of guest blog posts by Jennifer Thomas / David Andersen, “Confessions of a Recovering Patriarchist.” In part one, she discusses her perspective as a trans woman on the LDS Church’s recent policy changes. In part two, she will examine how patriarchy has led the Church’s leaders and many of its male members to enact and support these policies.

Jennifer Thomas is an openly bi-gender individual in her late 60s who spent most of her adult life experiencing patriarchal privilege as a devoted Church leader. She is happily married for over 45 years to her amazing wife, Mary Ann.

I was born the 5th son of a very active, multigenerational LDS family. I checked all the boxes: served a mission, married in the temple, graduated from BYU, raised up a righteous posterity who all married in the temple, and served in many leadership positions including bishop, high councilor, and stake presidency member.

About two and a half years ago, with the loving support and acceptance of my wife and family, I started attending my LDS ward as a woman. My story of how I got to that point and what happened when I reached it is interesting in its own right, but is not my focus here.

I was feeling pretty good about how my persistent willingness to show up at Church as my authentic self, had, over time, resulted in my local ward warming up to me and learning to be ok with a transgender woman worshiping in their midst.

I harbored hopes that if enough of us trans folks did the hard work of providing proximity and familiarity to our local congregations, positive change might bubble its way up to the top of the organization. Sadly, most of those hopes evaporated on August 19, 2024 with the release of updates to the General Handbook pertaining to transgender members.  

I have been living with membership restrictions that were imposed on me when I came out. My temple recommend was revoked. My priesthood was suspended. I was told that I was not eligible to serve in “certain callings” (though no specificity about this was ever provided). But, I was welcomed into Relief Society, was invited to offer prayers in sacrament meeting, and was free to participate in class discussions. It wasn’t ideal, but I was pretty ok with this, and figured I was taking one for Team Trans.

These most recent handbook changes, though, made it clear that the institutional Church considers people like me to be a threat to youth, dangerous to have in restrooms, unfit to teach or lead a class discussion, and no longer welcome in Relief Society. Further, because I transitioned socially, my membership record is to be “annotated” as is done with rapists, child molesters, polygamists, and those who steal from the Church. I’m thinking the odds are not very good that there will be any more invitations to offer prayers in sacrament meeting!

The ensuing days were dark and painful as I considered how these changes would impact me and those around me. I realized that amongst all these new restrictions, the one that bothered me most was being banned from Relief Society.

From early on, my Relief Society sisters had, for the most part, been warm and encouraging. I quickly grew to appreciate and love how honest and real the sisters were with one another.  They were willing to speak of hard things and to be vulnerable. They knew how to show solidarity and support through knowing nods, tender smiles, a gentle touch or a prolonged hug. Many of the sisters seemed to instinctively understand the trepidation that I was feeling by inserting myself in their midst and went out of their way to reassure me and help me feel welcomed.

It was liberating and joyful for me to be able to interact in ways I had long felt inclined but could never acceptably do as a male. In Relief Society, I could offer a sincere compliment on a sister’s cute outfit or hairdo, slide over to sit with someone who had nobody close, and make connection while listening to a sister describe something especially happy or sad. And, of course, give (and receive) hugs. Trust me, it’s not like that in Elders Quorum! And now, with the recent policy changes, this opportunity for proximity, connection, and understanding must end for me.

All across my social media feeds there is so much angst and frustration being voiced about these policy changes. Some of the most common things I see are questions such as “Why are they doing this?” and “Don’t they know how much this is hurting people?” Some are insisting that “they” (presumably the Q15, or First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve) have been told about the harm, many times and from trusted sources, but they just don’t care. In my own view, the Brethren do care about the members, even the queer ones, and they think they understand, and they believe that they are doing what God wants them to do. But, I believe that because of patriarchy, their feelings, their understanding and even their inspiration are badly distorted and getting all jumbled up.

Jesus, Garment Symbolism, and Birth Imagery in Temple Ordinances

Last conference Sister Dennis talked about how the garment is a symbol of Jesus Christ. I’ve seen many people express confusion and surprise about this teaching. I certainly hadn’t thought of garments in that way before, but it fits quite well with how I understand the temple’s symbolism. Church curriculum leans heavily on literal interpretations of scripture. This lack of training in figurative language can make it hard for members to create meaning around the symbolic experiences of ordinances. I can sympathize with the church’s reluctance to discuss symbolic interpretations of ceremonial ordinances. These are experiences that can have evolving meaning in different life contexts, and having an “official interpretation” could be quite limiting. However, learning about how someone else understands some of the symbols can open eyes to new ways of thinking, just like Sister Dennis did for me.

Symbols can have many meanings. Humans have to be taught the language of symbols: no one is born knowing the meanings of the shapes we use to represent numbers and letters. I like symbolic thinking, and I crave more discussions about symbols in church spaces. This post will explore some of my interpretations of temple ceremonies. I will not be discussing anything relating to the portions of the temple that we promise not to reveal. Do not discuss those portions in the comments.

I see so much birth imagery in many of our ordinances. I’ve written about birth imagery in the sacrament here. Many Christian traditions see baptism as being “born again”. In this post, I will talk about birth imagery in initiatories and in the process of going through the veil.

During initiatories we are symbolically washed, anointed, blessed, and clothed. Similarly, in the first hours after a baby is born they are

1) washed

Birth is messy. There is blood. Sometimes there’s poop. Washing is a necessary thing to do after birth.

2) anointed

Babies are born with a waxy coating called vernix. It can be rubbed into their skin as a moisturizer. My babies were very overdue, so they had lost most of their vernix before they were born, and they all had dry, peeling skin. My (nonmember) midwives recommended olive oil as a gentle emollient.

3) examined

During a newborn exam the baby is weighed and measured. The examiner inspects all the baby’s visible body parts. They listen to the innermost parts of the baby’s being. If any of the baby’s parts seem unusual, a medical specialist may help the baby grow in a way that is beneficial to their health.

Gospel teachings about the final judgment don’t usually resonate with me, but writing this post has helped me connect some beautiful imagery to the idea of a judgment day. Birth is both great and dreadful. Like the things that happen after a baby is born, the things that happen during the judgment day follow a pattern. Each life will be examined and measured. God will listen to the innermost parts of every soul. If any of the parts are found lacking, each soul can get assistance to help them create a healthy form.

4) clothed

Many parents put extra thought and care into a baby’s first outfit. It might have been given to the child by someone special. It might have been picked out because it represented something the parents love or something they hope for their child. Each of our babies wore their own hand-decorated onesie. Creating the onesie became a family ritual as we anticipated each new arrival.

The garments can represent the coat of skins given to Eve and Adam when they left Eden. The animal was sacrificed for their comfort and protection. This animal sacrifice can be a reminder of Jesus’ atoning sacrifice. However, there are more ways to understand the symbolic nature of the garment. Last conference helped me see a new way to understand what they can represent.

I see garments as another part of the birth symbolism present in temple ceremonies. One of the strange and marvelous things about human life is that (so far) every single person that has ever lived on earth has come through the body of a mother, one way or another. That’s just how birth works. The church teaches that we had a premortal existence and that the plan was for us to come to earth to gain a body. To get from that premortal life to life on earth, we had to go through a woman’s body.

Premortal life → woman’s body → earth life

Several years ago, I was feeling pretty frustrated because a number of church lessons, as well as the temple endowment and sealing ceremonies, seemed to be teaching me that the path to eternal life looked like this:

Earth life → ordinances performed by men with priesthood authority → eternal life

Then I had an epiphany. I have often heard at church that the Jews didn’t understand that the sacrifices of the ancient Israelites were supposed to point them to the atonement of Christ. Our modern ordinances are also supposed to point us to Christ. As I understand it, the core of church doctrine is that because of Christ’s atoning sacrifice, all humankind can live again. Jesus is the passageway, the mother, into the next life. Jesus is the veil (with its accompanying umbilical cord and nipples.) I’m much happier with this updated flow chart:

Earth life → atonement of Christ → eternal life

The ordinances are there to teach and remind us of the atonement. Because they are teaching tools and not the actual event, it shouldn’t matter so much about who performs the ordinances. In theater, an actor plays at being someone they are not. A man may play a female character and a woman may play a male character. I grew up watching Mary Martin play Peter Pan. The gender mismatch doesn’t matter because the actor is a symbol for the character. Play and variation is a fantastic teaching tool. I wonder what we would learn about the atonement if all people could play all the roles in our ordinances.

Before last conference, I had never connected garments directly to Jesus. With my flowchart, I had connected Jesus to the veil. The veil and garments have obvious similarities. Sister Dennis’ words brought me to the logical conclusion that Jesus must also be connected to the garment. I understood the veil (and by extension Jesus) to be the mother-like passageway into the next life. How are garments a passageway?

The close association between the veil and the garment allows us to experience the same symbols at two different timescales. Passing through the temple veil only takes a few minutes. The process of going through the veil represents a form of birth. Birthing a baby is not as simple as stepping through a veil. It takes time. The baby has to navigate a strait and narrow path—something they’ve never done before. Moving out of the womb and into the world through birth generally takes hours, if not days. While those hours can certainly seem eternal, birth is a relatively brief but necessary part of earthly life. Likewise, we’re taught that life on Earth is a brief but necessary part of eternal life. Both birth and our journey through life are difficult, dangerous paths. Our earthly life can be thought of as the time when we are in the process of being born into eternal life.

The timescale for being born to eternal life is one’s whole mortal existence. Garment-wearing may span the majority of a person’s life. When a person is wearing garments, they are symbolically within the veil. The bulk of a person’s adult life may be spent with their body closely surrounded by symbols of the passageway from one life to the next. The passageway from the womb to earthly life is the birth canal. A woman’s body surrounds a baby’s during birth. Garments also surround a naked body. If going through the veil represents the birth into eternal life, and the only way to get to eternal life is through Jesus, then wearing the garment is like being in Jesus’ birth canal. When we are wearing garments, we are symbolically in the passageway that leads to eternal life. Garments are a reminder that our actions need to coordinate with the shape of Jesus’ boundaries to safely pass to the next life.

I’m adding a pause here to just kinda let that previous paragraph sink in. It took a while for me to wrap my head around Jesus having a figurative birth canal, even though I’d already connected the flesh and blood of the sacrament to gestating and nursing a baby. Adding the garment/Jesus/birth canal symbol to my vocabulary fits comfortably with the symbols marked on the garment. I have all sorts of feelings about reading garment symbolism this way, but I also haven’t felt so spiritually engaged with temple rituals in a long time.

Seeing Jesus in such feminine symbolism is fascinating. The temple ceremony currently requires participants to fit into one side or the other of a gender binary. Jesus does not fit on either side of that binary because of his association with the veil and the garment. I find beauty in seeing him in these symbols. Thinking of going through life/birth together with Jesus is a captivating idea. There is so much more I have to learn about the nature of Jesus.

Locked Doors and Locked Policies

Do you ever get into an argument and while you are having the argument you realize that the thing you are arguing about isn’t really the thing you are angry about?

That happened to me last weekend. 

My ward holds an annual summer potluck dinner at a pavilion. The pavilion is next to an LDS church building. It’s not the building we attend. For many years it was a building in our stake. Three years ago the boundaries were redrawn and now the building is in a different stake. This is the only LDS owned pavilion in the city so we are still able to use the pavilion for our ward potluck. 

There have never been issues with scheduling the pavilion and being able to use it. 

Getting a key to the building though, that’s been quite the ordeal. 

Two years ago I was very upset when I showed up to the potluck, and found that the building was locked. I couldn’t take my children inside to use the bathroom. I’m not sure what happened with getting a key for the building. Did the Elders Quorum members who were in charge of the activity just not think anyone would need to use the bathroom? Did they try to get a key from someone in the other stake, but they weren’t able to? I don’t know. 

I do know that I was angry. A few members learned that I know some choice swear words. I drove my kids to a nearby McDonalds so they could use the bathroom there. When I came back I just stayed in the car because I was so upset. My husband brought me a plate of food. I ate in the car and watched several people cross the parking lot and try to open the door to the building. I saw several children run to the bushes when they couldn’t get into the building. I couldn’t believe that something as necessary as a bathroom had been overlooked by the event planners. 

By the next year my husband had been called to be the Elder’s Quorum Activity Coordinator. He loves this calling. I loved that I could remind him that we really needed a key to the building. He asked about it and was promised that somebody’s brother or something would be there at the church to unlock it. 

The night of the potluck I was watching that door like a hawk. No one came to unlock it. The activity had already started and that brother of someone in the ward hadn’t shown up yet. I’m not sure if he ever showed up. I noticed someone walk by the door inside the building. I went over and pounded on the door until a teenage boy came over and opened it. I have no idea why he was in the building – but I didn’t care because he let us in. There would be no peeing in bushes this time. 

Last week, as we were preparing for this year’s potluck, my husband and I were talking about the key problem. This time he wasn’t relying on somebody’s word that their brother or friend or whoever would be there. He wanted to hear from someone directly that they would be there to unlock the door. He called at least four different people trying to track down someone who had a key and would be able to unlock the door on a Saturday evening. 

He finally found a person who said he would be there. 

I was skeptical. The track record for this was not looking good. I wanted to make a sign to put on the door that said, “Brother _____ from the ______ ward is responsible for unlocking this door. If it is not open please call him at _______.”  My husband told me that was rude. 

This was when we started arguing. I said it was incredibly rude to lock people out of a building. It was rude to say we could use the pavilion, but then not give us access to the bathrooms. It was rude to ignore our need for access. 

I finished with something along the lines of “I don’t care what his priesthood calling is. He needs to be held accountable and show up for people.”

And that’s when I realized that my anger over this minor issue was not about doors and keys. It was about the greater issue of a church that makes it impossible for me to express my frustrations over big problems.

Just that week the new policies regarding transgender members had been released. I was sad as I read an article in the Salt Lake Tribune describing the changes. Transgender members can no longer teach and they can’t work with children. Transgender youth cannot stay overnight at camps and Youth Conferences. They need an escort to make sure the bathroom is vacant and stays empty while they are using the bathroom.

As far as I know, there aren’t any transgender individuals in my ward. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t any. I want to be a good ally, but feel voiceless in the face of these policies. I don’t know what to say or who to talk to. I don’t know what my bishop or Stake President personally think about LGBTQ individuals. Even if they agree with me, they really have no way to really change anything. The policy is in the handbook. What can they do about it? I have no way of reaching the people who actually wrote it. 

The way I feel about the new policy is the way I felt when I sat outside that locked building. I was waiting for anyone to show up and unlock the door. I had no way to contact the people I needed to contact. And if I could call them they would just brush me aside. Why was I calling? What authority did I have? Was I in charge of anything? I was just some lady out there with children who needed to use the bathroom who would rather not resort to the bushes. 

My husband assured me that if the building wasn’t unlocked by 5:00 he would personally call the man until he showed up. In the end it actually didn’t matter because some teenagers showed up to play basketball around 4:50. They had an adult with them who unlocked the door. I rushed across the parking lot yelling, “Leave it unlocked, we need it unlocked. The person who was going to unlock it for us hasn’t shown up yet.”

As I got to the door I heard a man say from his car, “Oh I’m right here.” I don’t know why that man had arrived, saw 10 or so people setting up for an activity at the pavilion, and chose to just sit in his car. He didn’t come over and talk to us. He didn’t unlock the door. He’d just sat there. 

I was happy we were able to successfully get into the building, but I just couldn’t get over the image of that man sitting in his car when he was perfectly able to unlock the door for us. 

That’s how these new policies about transgender individuals feel. It feels like the church is sitting in their car and refusing to do anything to help. They aren’t interested in creating more love and inclusion. They aren’t willing to look at the science. They aren’t willing to seek revelation. They are just sitting and doling out hateful policies that prevent people from fully participating in the church.

I wish I had the ability to unlock the door myself. Or that I could break in without serious ramifications. Maybe the answer is to no longer use this building. Maybe I can start a petition for a pavilion to be built in my stake. What if we stopped using this pavilion and paid to use one at a city park. Perhaps a ward member has a big yard and would be willing to host the party.

I don’t have the answer. Until I do I’m out here desperately watching the door. Hoping for any sign of someone who can help. Looking for anyone who is already on the inside who can unlock it for the rest of us.

Photo by Theo Onic on Unsplash

A Timeline of Fatness, Females, & Friendship in the Church

This is the fifth in a series of guest posts about being fat and female in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Please consider contributing your own post by emailing exponentabby@gmail.com. 

By guest author Megan Story Chavez

As I consider my experiences growing up fat and female in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my immediate reaction is a churning pit in my stomach. Sadness fills my mind with the pain that I felt throughout my life. Some of my earliest memories were hearing the women in my family, women who were devout in their faith, women who had early childhood trauma, women who were doing the best that they could to be disciples of Jesus Christ and live the principles of the gospel, women who were fat, talk about how much they needed to lose weight. Rarely did the conversation center around health but rather how they could lose the weight to seek the goal of perfection. 

These memories influenced the messages that I began to grow up with, not only due to the influence of the church but the media and messages within society. However separating the influence of the culture in the world and the culture in Orem, Utah where I grew up is near impossible. Most of my friends, if not all, were active members of the Church. Church culture was woven into much of what I did and who I interacted with as I developed. Again, as I pondered on my experiences as a fat female in the church the memories tended to center around the yuckiness I experienced in female friendships related to my fatness. One of my earliest memories being in 5th grade. 

 5th Grade

I have always been a curvy and larger bodied human. I developed and went through puberty earlier than many of my friends. I had two good friends who both were members of the church and as we got closer to 12 talked about the excitement of attending young women’s, what we did at activities days and all the exciting things related to being young. I clearly remember as we were at lunch recess one day and they told me that they had been wanting to talk to me about something. My already anxious mind began to wonder about what I had done because of the seriousness of their tone. They told me that they had decided that unless I could lose some weight, I could no longer be their friend. My heart was crushed.

I had been teased before by others but never had friends say something like this. They went on to tell me things that I should and shouldn’t be eating in order to be smaller and healthier. They added that eating healthy is part of the word of wisdom and it would be good for me to obey both for my religion and for my health. I don’t remember much of what they said because those that first ultimatum was crushing.

My very best friend had just moved away, and I was already struggling with fear of not having friends. The way that they used our friendship and faith was heartbreaking to me as both meant so much to me. I wish that I could say that was the last time I experienced something like that, but unfortunately young women’s wasn’t any better. 

Young Women’s Program

Moving into the young women’s program in the early 2000s, modesty was a strong discussion. In the world idols like Brittany Spears, Christina Aguilera, and the Spice Girls were huge and didn’t necessarily fit with the Mormon standards at the time. I remember many conversations about how we should cover our bodies. In each of these, although the message wasn’t explicitly direct to me, the implicit message was clear.

As a girl with a curvy body and large bust I had to be extra careful in what I wore to not be seductive. Modesty included covering any cleavage and trying to hide the natural curves that I had.  As these conversations occurred many leaders would specifically look at me when talking about this, while avoiding my slenderer friends. The message seemed very clear to me, I needed to be smaller or cover up more than others to maintain the modesty that seemed so important. I remember wearing so many layers of camisoles to try to cover my cleavage.

This continued to emphasis to me that being fat was a terrible thing, because not only does it mean you are not healthy or following the word of wisdom, but now it also meant that I wasn’t going to be modest. 

Missionary Service

These messages continued and were solidified into my missionary services in 2019. I served in San Diego at the Mormon Battalion Historic Site. It was just renovated, and they had decided that the missionaries at the site would be wearing Pioneer Dresses. I was one of the four missionaries that went to get fitted for my dress. The other three sisters were very petite people. The tailors talked about how they needed to take in their dresses while they talked about how much my dress needed to be taken out. I remember feeling devastated and embarrassed.

There were so many conversations about how to avoid gaining weight as a missionary and I was terrified of it. I also was so focused on trying to be the perfect missionary that my weight and what I was eating came second to the work I was doing trying to bring others to Christ. I often remember getting small tips and advice that were unsolicited from others about how to avoid or lose weight as a missionary. 

I survived the dress experience and the comments as I continued through my mission. I loved the connection with the other sister missionaries and senior couples at the site. The friendship with the sisters was important to me. However, sometimes that came with pain of being judged for being fat, or fatter than many other sisters at a visitor center. 

One of those times was close to when I was headed home. I was in my second to last transfer. I worked my ass off a missionary. We would serve ½ day of proselyting and the other ½ in the visitor center. I would volunteer for as many tours as I could because I wanted to be the best missionary that I could be. Sometimes this meant not having lunch until late in my shift at the Battalion.

One week I had bought a Marie Calendar Pot Pie. It wasn’t something I got regularly but was missing home and wanted some comfort food that week. It was also nice to have something fast to eat during lunch when working at the visitor center. I had popped it into the microwave and gone to do some work on the computer. As I sat doing my computer work, I heard two sisters who were in the Kitchen. They were inspecting my lunch. They talked about how it smelt good, but they wondered how many calories and how much fat was in it. As they continued to scrutinize my lunch not knowing I was in ear shot of them and could hear they began to ask about who’s food it was and once they identified it as mine, if they should have a conversation with me to let me know it wasn’t a good choice.

They used this idea of friendship and seeking my good as means to shame me and what I was eating for lunch that day. I don’t even remember my response or what I did, but I remember the safety that I had felt especially with those two sisters was gone. I remember giving the pot pie to a taller thinner sister who enjoyed it for her lunch without concern or feedback from others. Both sisters were companions of mine at some point.

The hurt was deep as it was confirmed to me again that my size is what people noticed about me. My size was more important than the work I did as a missionary or who I was as a person. Again, friendship was used to shame me and my body and justify unkindness in a way that I would experience again in my life. 

Post Mission

Following my mission, I began to go to school and worked super hard to get a degree. As I did that, I also ran a few ½ marathons and did CrossFit. I was very active in working out regularly and eating a semi-healthy diet, especially for a poor college student.

Being Mormon, living in Utah County, and in college meant I was trying to date. I wanted to fit the mold and serve a mission and get married soon after. I had made friends with a girl in my singles ward who had also recently returned from a mission. We enjoyed getting together to talk and both shared values and faith openly. I’ve always enjoyed female friendship and the connection that comes. However, again, I was reminded that with friendship comes people feeling they have a right to their opinions on your body. This friend was no different.

One day we were talking about what we wanted in partners and why it was taking so long to find partners. She then told me that although I had everything together, had a great testimony, was amazing that she didn’t think I would get married unless I lost weight. This was a fear I had already had, and she was confirming it. I was too fat to find a good LDS husband. The message was clear; I could be the best person ever but what people would see and judge me by in and outside of the church was my fatness. It wasn’t about health or even really the word of wisdom but how uncomfortable people are and were with fatness. 

Conclusion

 I don’t share all of this to shame anyone. I know many of those people who called out my fatness in various ways have good intentions and were speaking out of their own pain and worries about body size. However, it confirms the messages that exist inside and outside of the church that are extremely harmful for fat people and non-fat people alike.

The messages are clear that fatness is not what is seen as good in the sight of God. This is a messaging that I think we need to change. Body size is not always an indicator of health. Being fat does not make someone less perfect or faithful. As women rather than using these messages against each other to create pain and sadness, I hope we can find ways to support and lift one another. I hope we can see each other for more than our bodies and begin to shift the messages that exist around fatness and friendship. 

Modern day Megan!

Megan Story Chavez (LMFT) is a Marriage and Family therapy professor at Utah Valley University https://www.uvu.edu/mft/. She has specialized in working as a therapist with couples who have a significant difference in their relationships such as mixed-faith, interracial, or mixed-orientation partnerships, and emerging adult individuals. Megan’s research focuses on the biopsychosocial-spiritual framework, currently, the studies she is working on center on the interconnection between spiritual transitions and mental health. She loves teaching graduate students, especially supervising student therapists. Megan enjoys attending concerts with her partner and playing with her two kids. 

 

Transgender Issues Are Feminist Issues: We Need Each Other

(Main image: sidewalk chalk art by the author at BYU in 2021 – in support of queer students and faculty members.)

There are new policy updates this week in the church handbook that directly affect transgender and non-binary members in a painful way. It’s been a major topic of discussion online all week, including in feminist spaces like our blog here at Exponent II.

A prominent LDS podcaster named Greg Matsen unfortunately used his platform to celebrate the changes, and this morning he posted a new video in which he claims, “Nobody cares about the women anymore when you’re dealing with the transgender issue. Nobody cares about the young girls that are completely forgotten. And when I say completely forgotten, there isn’t a single article…that asked women what they think about this. Not one! You know that whole push several years ago saying, Why aren’t there more women up there on the stand, in church? Where are the women in these articles?” 

Well Greg, the women who were asking for more women on the stand are still talking as loudly as ever if you want to listen to them. Additionally, I happen to be a woman who supports transgender rights – because transgender issues are feminist issues. 

See, I don’t think equality for girls and women will ever be accomplished within a male-led church by women speaking up for our rights alone. I now believe the route to equality will come only through a close partnership with the queer community. Women have been making excellent points since the founding of the church with very little progress. We are stuck in a patriarchal system with only two genders, one of which is divinely ordained to be in charge of the other one. Progress will persist at a snail’s pace if we wait for the men in power at the top to make changes those of us at the bottom have spent lifetimes begging for. 

Currently we embrace the idea of a binary sex as the way of eternity. Men and women are two opposite sides of the same coin, with separate and distinct roles. Men are supposed to wear pants, hold the priesthood, preside over stuff and make money. Women are supposed to stay at home, have babies, clean the house and be presided over. 

What happens when LGBTQ people enter and disrupt this perfect balance required for patriarchal structures to thrive? A gay marriage throws everything off. If two gay women are married, which one is going to have the final say on decisions? (Will they have to invite a neighbor man over to decide stuff for them?) What about two gay men? They both have the priesthood, so who gets to preside? Who quits their job to support the other pursuing his career? Would we have to redefine marriage roles as completely equal and let each couple decide what is personally best for them?

In the temple, men and women sit separately and make different covenants. If non-binary or transgender people are included, where will they sit? Which covenants will they make? When will they bow their head and say “yes”? Would the entire temple ceremony have to be re-written so that everyone makes the exact same promises to God, and no one is over anyone else?

I think those final outcomes sound fantastic. I believe including queer people into our holy places is by far the fastest way to fix our issues of gender inequality – faster than any other method we’ve ever attempted.

I didn’t always care for gender roles growing up, but I also couldn’t imagine an alternative. It was explained to me when I was a little girl, along with the birds and the bees. You have to have a penis to hold the priesthood, the priesthood is what gives you power, and I didn’t have a penis…so I didn’t get power. It was very straightforward. Who was I to argue with science?

But as it turns out, that science was wrong. Human biology regarding sex is wildly more complex and beautiful than only male or female bodies. Many bodies fall somewhere in between male and female, and those people are some of the most interesting and insightful humans I have ever interacted with precisely because they exist outside of the boring norm. Being genderqueer is not strange, it’s not a defect, it’s not a mental illness, and it most certainly is not a sin. Bodies that defy the gender binary simply by existing challenge the patriarchal system we live in and can dismantle it faster than anyone else ever can – including myself by writing endless blog posts. We Mormon feminists need our queer friends in the battle for equality more than they need us, and we can’t forget this fact.

Below is a photo from 2023 Trans Pride in Provo with two of my friends who have written multiple excellent guest posts here on Exponent II blog. Left to right is Jett Winward, my dog Macho, myself, Molly (Jett’s partner), and Ilea Brinkerhoff – all under the aptly titled banner “Trans Joy”. 

 

Speaking of Pride events, Exponent II will have a booth at Back to School Pride Night in Provo on Saturday, September 14th from 2:00-8:30 pm, put on by the Raynbow Collective. Please come and visit us there!

Finally, to all of our friends in the queer community that are hurting this week, know that we at Exponent II love and support you. We welcome your guest posts and would love to share our platform to elevate your voices. Thank you for being our partners in creating a better and more equitable world for generations to come. 

 

Sacred Music Sunday: Thoughts on Primary Music

I’ve taught Primary off and on for a good chunk of my adult life. I don’t mind it in small doses (and it has gotten much easier since we switched to 2 hour church), but I can only handle it for a few years at a time before needing a break to interact with adults. I’m currently on a break from teaching Primary, but the break has lasted about 3 years, so I’m probably due for it again. I’m musical, but I’ve often said that the only calling in the church I would turn down is Primary chorister. Getting up and entertaining children for an extended period of time is so far outside my skill set and comfort zone that it would be miserable to me, even though I like music and I like children.

This summer I’ve had the opportunity to put that to the test by being the go-to substitute for the Primary chorister. His wife got a summer internship out of state as part of her graduate degree program, so he traveled out to see her several times over the summer. Since I’m the ward music chair, I’m the natural person to ask to be a substitute in Primary for the weeks he was gone. And even though I didn’t want to, I said yes, both because his wife is my friend and I wanted to help her out, but also because it’s revolutionary in Mormon circles for a married couple to choose to live apart for a few months in order to support the wife’s career development, and I wanted to support that.

The main thing I learned is that the kids want to understand why we do things the way we do. The first week I filled in, I was having difficulty getting participation. I decided to take a break and ask them why we sing in Primary. None of them knew, so I gave a brief devotional about how God asked Emma Smith to compile a hymn book because singing sacred music is a form of prayer. I got a lot more participation after that. I reinforced the message the next time (about a month later) by adding that we have an entire book of scripture, Psalms, that was an ancient hymnal, and singing is so important that it’s in the scriptures.

I also learned that making a fool of myself in front of half a dozen children isn’t the end of the world and I need to take myself less seriously. And the adults were just so happy that someone was willing to stand up there and entertain the children that they didn’t care that I made a fool of myself either!

And the final thing I learned is that it’s still a calling I definitely don’t want to have on a full-time basis.

The kids’ favorite Primary song, which is being added to the new hymnal, is Gethsemane, so I’m going to share it here today. I first learned it a few years ago on my last stint as a Primary teacher, and I like it. Anytime the hymnal gets more Jesus is something I celebrate.

You’re Invited! Book Launch Events for 50 Years of Exponent II

We hope to see you at one or more of these upcoming events to celebrate the launch of Fifty Years of Exponent II! All are welcome to attend the in-person events or register for the online events.

Thurs, Aug 29, 6 PM MT—Join us for a virtual book launch party hosted by Exponent II magazine. Hear from authors Katie Ludlow Rich and Heather Sundahl and special guests Laurel Thatcher Ulrich and Emily Clyde Curtis. (register at tinyurl.com/EXIIParty)

Friday, Sept 6, 11 AM—2 PM MT—Authors will be available to sign books at the Faith Matters Restore Conference at the Mountain America Expo Center in Sandy, Utah (9575 State St, Sandy, UT 84070). The exhibit hall is free and open to the public. Books will be available for purchase.

Wednesday, Sept 11, 7–8:30 PM MT—Join us for a book launch part at the Provo Library (550 N University Ave, Provo, UT 84601, Room 201). Trivia prizes, refreshments, book signing, and an engaging presentation from the authors where you’ll learn at least three things you didn’t know about Exponent II.

Thursday, Sept 19, 7—9 PM ET—Pre-retreat book launch party hosted by Signature Books and Exponent II at the Beech Street Center in Belmont, MA (266 Beech St, Belmont, MA 02478). Win prizes from trivia questions and hear from authors Katie Ludlow Rich, Heather Sundahl, and special guests including Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, Judy Dushku, Nancy Dredge, and Mimmu Hartiala-Sloan. Books will be available for purchase. Come for the refreshments, stay for the reunion with friends in town for the retreat!

Wednesday, Oct 9, 7–8:30 PM MT—Come to the Signature Books office in Salt Lake City (508 West 400 North) for a book celebration and panel discussion with the authors and special guests (TBA). Books will be available for purchase and refreshments will be served.

Wednesday, Oct 16, 7:00 PM MT—Virtual book celebration hosted by Mormon Women Publish. What was the process of researching and writing this book? What surprised the authors? Attend to find out! (register: http://tinyurl.com/50YearsMormonWomenPublishtinyurl.com/50YearsMormonWomenPublish)

Saturday, Oct 19, 5–7:00 PM MT—Exponent II Arizona meetup at Kay Gaisford’s home in Gilbert with author Heather Sundahl. Event registration link with the address to follow.

Read blogger Lavender’s review of 50 Years of Exponent II!