Exponent II's Blog, page 51

Sacred Music Sunday: Amazing Grace

The church released the next batch of hymns for the new hymnal last week. I was only familiar with three of them, but I’m pleased with the three that were included that I know, and I’m looking forward to getting to know the others. One of the new additions is Amazing Grace. I’m thrilled! It’s such a beautiful hymn of forgiveness.

I used to volunteer at the county jail. I would teach religious classes, and at the end of each class, after we had the closing hymn and prayer, and while we were waiting for the guards to take the inmates back to their dormitory, I would play a DVD of an a capella rendition of Amazing Grace. The students always looked forward to it, and it was a tradition that they found meaningful.

I am Not Your Object Lesson

I get second-hand embarrassment when LDS parents take the stand and openly discuss their disappointment over “wayward” and “inactive” children. Thankfully, the children are usually absent and their names are generally left unsaid. Still, their choices and their perceived sin is being paraded in front of a congregation as a cautionary tale. Faith-filled parents, often convinced that leaving the LDS Church is one of the worst things their children could do to them, publicly critique and mourn over their children.

I can’t imagine discovering that my parent was publicly discussing me in a way that distilled me down to a single part of my identity: religious affiliation. I could be accomplished, talented, thoughtful, caring, hardworking, and even happy, but these are all overshadowed by inactivity. In a quest to personalize missionary experiences and striving to live the gospel, children become object lessons of who not to be, choices not to make, and possibilities to fear.

How can this do anything but alienate and hurt children? No matter how softly or lovingly you say these things, they send a message that those who “stray” or make choices the LDS “we” disagrees with are fair game for public outing and critiquing.

A similar thing happens when speakers commonly discuss “those who stray” and give examples of their misery over their choices; othering and creating a “they” separate from those in the room. Speakers also love the phrase “you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t believe.” Both of these assumptions ignore the possibilities of those investigating, family members visiting (and maybe even the subjects previous object lessons), people struggling with faith or questioning doctrine, those who may attend out of family commitments, and more.

It’s odd to sit in a congregation and hear the speakers essentially discuss you/people like you – someone who may be considered “astray,” – as someone who is miserable, depressed, lost, and purposeless. They’ve distilled me down to one single part of my identity: religious affiliation. And it’s hard to imagine that they can see, or frankly want to see, who I really am. Because I am now, as before my shift in beliefs or shift away from certainty, complex.

We love simple stories that can be used to illustrate a clear message. Mormon pioneer tales and scripture stories are summarized into a few, basic paragraphs, with clear “good guys” and “bad guys.” People become uncomplicated object lessons to warn us, guide us, and help us stay righteous.

Real people, their spiritual journeys, their life experiences, and their personalities, can’t be summarized so easily. We are doing a great disservice when we use them, even in well-meaning ways, as object lessons or warnings for others. Publicly declaring assumptions, judgments, and unhappiness over someone else’s choices or behavior, especially when we tell one-dimensional, one-sided stories, is unnecessary and un-Christian.

The Impact Men Can Make For Women

Are any of you familiar with the Bishop from Mississippi resigning from his calling and the church? It made an impact on social media (but perhaps noticed more by the less orthodox and members who have left?). A woman commentator on a Tik Tok pointed out that [paraphrasing] “this is great and all [people noticing what he was calling out], but women have been leaving for the same reasons for years, yet suddenly a Bishop leaves and we all pay attention!”

I could see where she was coming from, Relief Society Presidents, Young Women Presidents and the like leave without any notice or affect. I don’t know of any hot social media headline that read, “Mormon Relief Society President leaves the Church!” and we know why.

My husband recently was serving in our stake high council. His position was to represent the Stake Young Women’s President. As in, he was her voice…she was not allowed on the high council to represent herself…so they have a calling for a man to speak for her. He of course had other duties like speaking in other ward sacrament meetings and helping with seminary graduation programs, but his main assignment was to be that man on the High Council that “helped” her, was the male present at activities, and to be her voice when she needed it represented in their special man meetings. This is not the type of impact men can make for women that I am talking about.

I’ll admit, I poked fun of this many times to my husband. I couldn’t believe the absurdity, but knew my husband couldn’t change the system. He however, is a thoughtful person. He said that something clicked for him when he watched the young 11 year old boys, who were the same age as our youngest daughter, pass the sacrament to her. She could not hold back the laughter. He said of our daughter, “Her friends, who eat their boogers and can’t pay attention in class, were now at the front of the chapel, like little adults, acting very serious as they got ready to pass the sacrament.”  

(picture source)

In fact my husband wrote a letter to our Stake President explaining the dilemma he now recognized. He wrote:

“I remember being that age, and I remember being the little boy up front.  I remember feeling the importance of what I was doing, and I remember the imposter syndrome I felt at times during my teenage years as I learned to grow from a little boy into a man.  The priesthood responsibility I felt, along with the good examples of the men in my ward, were catalysts in my desire to develop what was good within me and to root out bad behavior.  I love what the priesthood organization did for me as a young man, and my teenage-years bishops are like fathers to me and the boys I grew up with are still my brothers. 

But, after [our daughter’s] laugh, I saw my perfectly whole daughter wait quietly to be given the sacrament.  Our bond caused me to see through her eyes, but with my wisdom.  I saw her being conditioned to think that this group of boys and men were able to produce her salvation in a way she cannot.  Her age group just went through the church sorting machine, and she doesn’t even know that she was assigned a seat at the back of the bus.  And, she likely won’t know for years, especially if her dad, who she trusts, allows her to believe that the back of the bus is a special place.

So, I am faced with two truths – the truth that the priesthood organization was a catalyst for my development and the truth that the priesthood organization is a crippler of my daughters.  And in order to be a good father and stay honest and whole within myself, I need to find a way to integrate these two truths.  As I’ve considered the various aspects of these two truths, it seems obvious to me that I could have had a similar experience as a youth, serving, and learning from the older men in my ward, even if priesthood was not organized around gender lines.  It also seems obvious that I cannot continue to participate in the parts of church that require a woman to be given or allowed something by a man.  

It would be convenient to simply push one of these truths away and not try to integrate them, but I know this would also be harmful, preventing me to step in fully to my relationships – both with my daughters and at church.  But, I also recognize that this will likely interfere with my ability to represent you fairly as the stake president, and I wanted you to know before I make these changes in the coming weeks.  For example, I will likely not participate in priesthood ordinances, setting aparts, or meetings where attendees are chosen based on gender.”

So he was released. No one outside of male church leadership seemed to notice. However, when we/he shared this experience with those close to us, it caused a pause in the conversation. More pause than me stating that I don’t go to the second hour of church or won’t let a man interview me or my girls. My decisions don’t make an impact at church, my husband’s do. 

My head count doesn’t even make a difference in determining what makes a ward or a branch, but his does. You “can not” have a functioning ward or temple for that matter, without the men, a certain number of men. But you could have hundreds of women and it would not matter, we would not be able to function according to the rules.

My husband later mentioned to me after his release that in talking to a friend, he was told that this friend’s father was asked to meet with a high ranking church leader.  The father was asked to consider a calling, to which he responded that he would not accept the calling until 50% of the membership was allowed to participate as he could.

While listening to this, I started to cry. I was impacted by the fact that a man close to my own father’s generation was willing to stand with the women and advocate for us. That he actually saw it as an issue.

Can you imagine the impact men can make for women if a significant group of them took a stand in regards to women’s equality in the church? I believe that we will only see change when more men choose to not participate where women are not allowed to participate. Not only that, but that men (and women) start to see where all truth breaks down in trying to uphold one’s gender in greater standing over another.

I can see the thoughts this proposal may provoke… “but aren’t ordinances important?” “Why would you sacrifice your salvation for pride…” I believe people would have to see the church and the whole big picture of religion, God, what is truth, and what is merely ritual for ritual sake. This would cause some cognitive dissonance, no doubt, and I’ve been there. But a couple quotes from Sonia Johnson sum my thoughts in this regard so well:

“God does not exist to be used as evidence that some human beings should be denied what others have.”

“The church loses when it loses us, far more than we lose when we are evicted [or leave on our own]. They cannot take from us whatever good we have gained from the church. We can continue to benefit from that all our lives. But they can no longer benefit from us. And they are gravely shortsighted to minimize our contribution.”

Sonia Johnson, From Housewife to Heretic (Doubleday & Co 1981)

I am not advocating for people to leave (but that works). I am advocating for men to take a critical stand.

Other related articles: The Men Who Like Women and The Men Who Don’t. Yes we can tell.

Women Speaking at General Conference and Bathroom Breaks for Men

When I was a missionary, I watched General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) at a church with other missionaries, most of whom were male, and was shocked to realize that male missionaries saw the very scarce women’s talks as bathroom breaks. 

Until then, I had always watched General Conference at home, either alone or with my family or with female roommates. My mission was my first experience watching a General Conference broadcast at a church building, and my first time seeing adult men stand up and excuse themselves when the only woman speaker of the session arose to speak.  

After our most recent General Conference, Exponent guest writer Leah Steelman pointed out that two of the three women speakers seemed to encourage this male bathroom break behavior by announcing in the first line of their talk that they were directing their message to specific demographics of church members that excluded adult men—children in one case and youth in the other. Only three of 35 speakers were women, and two of those women explicitly told men, “You don’t have to listen to me!”

This guy’s ready for a lady talk at General Conference!

I see where these female General Conference speakers are coming from. Of course the Young Women presidency wants to speak to youth and the Primary presidency wants to address children! That makes sense. Those are the demographics in their stewardships. The problem is that there are too few women speakers to begin with. If a couple of the 32 male speakers decided to address their remarks to a specific demographic, there would still be many more of them left to speak to the rest of us. Not so for women.

In fact, one of those 32 male speakers at the last General Conference did just that! Elder Steven R. Bangerter announced in the first line of his talk that he was directing his remarks specifically to youth, just like Sister Andrea Muñoz Spannaus did after him. (See guys? You didn’t have to hold it clear until Sister Spannaus’s turn! You could have taken your potty break early!) That still left 31 General Conference talks by men that included adult men in the intended audience, compared to only one talk by a woman.

We need General Conference talks that address the unique needs of specific demographics in the church, and with about 35 talks delivered at each General Conference, we certainly have ample time to direct some of these sermons toward certain demographics instead of trying to make every talk about everyone. And the women leaders who serve in presidencies with stewardship specifically over children or youth or women are uniquely qualified to address the needs of these particular demographic groups in their talks.

But we also need men to listen to women. We need men to hear women, and learn from women, and respect women. We need men seated in their chairs, pondering women’s words and insights, gleaning gospel truths from their sermons, feeling challenged by their perspectives and inspired by their teachings.

We need men to hold it until the rest hymn.

How can we have both? How can we make space for one or two or even more women to address their talks to specific demographic groups that may exclude adult men, while still having other talks by women directed to adult men or to the church as a whole?

The answer is simple. We need more women speaking in General Conference.

Women Don’t Deserve to Be Paid As Much As Men

I mean, just look at what the data shows us. 

According to Pew research, these stats have not changed much in two decades.

(source)

In fact, during COVID I sat in on my Girls Zoom Young Women’s lesson where a guest speaker told of her experience at work where she was frustrated that a man, who had less experience on a job than she, was getting paid more than her. She wrestled with her feelings of discontentment and concluded that those feelings were coming from Satan, therefore her desire to be paid more or at least equally was wrong and of the devil. She didn’t asked for a raise or bring up her concern. She must have concluded that women don’t deserve to be paid as much as men…right?

September 18th has been established as International Equal Pay Day by the United Nations in an effort to bring attention to the gender wage gap.

If you live in Belgium, Congratulations! You live in a country with the most equal pay with a wage gap rate of 1.1%. However, if you live in South Korea, your wage gap rests at 31.2%. And these are the countries that have committed to “democracy and market based economies that want to develop policies and standards to promote sustainable economic growth.” Therefore, the countries that don’t fit these parameters, well, may not be working toward equal pay among all humans…due to more pressing issues.

Bringing the magnifying glass closer to the headquarters of our shared theological roots (if you are or ever have been Mormon), we can examine how our women fair in relation to equal pay in Utah. Amy Allebest in her Podcast Breaking Down Patriarchy, focused our glass on the issue nicely.

Can you guess where Utah stands against other states in relation to gender equity in the United States? Drumroll please……..number……50!! Last, dead last. But don’t worry, when it comes to the pay gap Utah rests around 45th or 47th, says Susan Madsen (founder of A Bolder Way Forward). Sorry Wyoming, Alabama, and …sniff…New Hampshire, you’re worse.

Why do I point Utah out? Well, besides being the epicenter of where all church decisions are made, its lawmakers are by large majority members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Utah’s laws are a reflection of what this church’s leaders and lawmaking members think of any gender other than male.

Reading what it’s like to teach seminary for the church, also points to this fact. Found here as well. Women are undervalued and underpaid or not even paid in jobs that are presented as callings. I say women in this case, because the majority of paid seminary teachers are men, and the unpaid callings are, in my experience, reserved for women. Women shouldn’t be paid working mothers, but no problem with unpaid service.

Salt Lake Community College in an article written from their slcc.pressbooks.pub sums this up well:

“Without exception, women in every developed and undeveloped country in the world suffer from higher rates of poverty than men. Women are not paid for doing work—cleaning, childcare, senior care, shopping, cooking, laundry, bookkeeping—associated with their own household. This category of domestic work is not commodified as an economic activity, which severely devalues the financial worth of the woman and the services she provides. This devaluation, in turn, negatively affects how women are perceived as contributors to society. In short, women are expected to work for free and, at the same time, are categorized as social freeloaders.”

I volunteered to clean a multi stake girls camp nestled in the Wasatch Mountains this summer. Large groups of volunteers were directed by a woman, who for the last five years had been coming up once a week, all year round, with more frequent trips during the summer months, to manage the camp and its paid employees.

(queue the record scratching…).

“What? You manage a large group of camp employees that are paid and you are not?”

This is only normal in the LDS church (we pride ourself on not paying volunteers…not counting the top 15 men in our church that get a large living stipend on top of their retirements- $120, 000 is not modest and these men have already had their careers). Our church can hide discrimination when it’s masked as sacrifice, service, or “Gods will”. We feel guilty to want pay. Besides, didn’t we promise in the temple to sacrifice everything?! Even to the point of giving our lives for the cause?

This leaves room for abuse and manipulation of our people….of our women.

Point is, the church plays well into the gender pay gap, especially as women age…the gap grows.

So what is to be done? I am preaching to the choir on this issue to be sure. I thought at first that it was perhaps that we women don’t ask for raises as much as men (note the example I gave above), but this article proves that idea to the contrary. Woman ask, but are less likely to get a raise than when a man asks.

The other thought was this, “Men apply for a job when they meet only 60% of the qualifications, but women apply only if they meet 100% of them.” Women are also willing to accept a job for less pay than a man.

So perhaps the more we know, the more brave and sure we become in trying to close the gap for ourselves. I recently emailed my employer for a raise. I had my husband proof read the email, to which he commented that it wasn’t worded strong enough. I however, was worried about coming off as an abrasive woman and did not want to play into a negative stereotype I had of how people view working women. Luckily I got the raise. I hope you do too. I am rooting for you.

Did you know Exponent II is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization? Support Exponent II today.

Vol. 44 No. 1 — Summer 2024

COVER ART

“And I Call Her Mother”
Acrylic and Ink on Panel, 8 x 28 ft. (7 panels, a single panel is 8 x 4 ft.)
She was here before I came into this world and will be here when I am gone.

Installation by Laura Erekson
ereksonatkinson.com | @lauraereksonart
Photographed by Ashley Thalman
ashleythalman.com  | @ashleythalman

Editorial Staff

Editor-in-Chief – Rachel Rueckert
Managing Editor – Carol Ann Litster Young
Art Editor – Rocio Cisneros
Layout Designer & Editor – Rosie Gochnour Serago
Fiction Editor – C. Chanel Earl
Blog Feature Editor – Natasha Rogers
Book Reviews Editor – Ynna Padilla
Poetry Editor – Abby Parcell
Sabbath Pastorals Editor – Nicole Sbitani
Women’s Theology Editor – Eliza Wells

Executive Board

President – Lori LeVar Pierce
Vice President & Secretary – Lindsay Denton
Treasurer – Jeanine Bean
Members – Andee Bowden, Carol Ann Litster Young, Jessica Gray, Natasha Rogers, Nancy Ross, Rachel Rueckert, Rosie Gochnour Serago, Heather Sundahl

Additional Staff

Proofreaders – Kami Coppins, Hannah Mortenson, Cherie Pedersen, Karen Rosenbaum
Magazine Staff Support – Sherrie Gavin, Linda Hamilton, Jessica Mitton, Alma Frances Pellett, Lori LeVar Pierce, Natasha Rogers, Karen Rosenbaum, Shannon Soper, Tia Thomas, Dani Blatter, Megan Eralie
Art Community Ambassador – Page Turner
Social Media Content Manager – Linda Hamilton
Subscription Manager – Gwen Volmar

Navigating Change

A few somewhat catastrophic things have recently happened in my immediate family. My youngest brother is in jail, awaiting sentencing for his crimes, and my parents are likely getting a divorce. I am realizing just how fragile everything is. Relationships. Mental health. How do we take care? How do we really stop and realize that everything can change in a moment? While tiny, small decisions can add up, there are so many factors that go into every decision. Lyrics from various songs have been swirling around in my mind, including Mason Jennings’ line, “Life is something that you can’t control, when you try to hold onto it, it makes you let go.”

These heavy things have happened, and yet, I am still here. This might be the mantra for many of our contributors for this issue. Navigating tension appears to be the heart of this open-themed collection. Even with all the hurt, we remain. We can feel such pain and yet also be so resilient. Hope can grow through those cracks as we breathe into the “knowing” that we are all doing the best we can.

This open-themed issue reveals the things our writers are thinking about, puzzling over, and processing without a specific prompt. Their voices invite us to reflect on what we, too, are going through at this individual yet collective moment in time.

These pages include a dazzling array of poems. We also include artwork by many talented artists, including Morgan Casey and Christine Ricks — Exponent II’s selected winners of the 2024 Certain Women Art Contest. In other pieces, we witness deep spiritual wrestles and the discomforts, epiphanies, or tentative peace that follows. We see important reckonings with tension in Emily Thrasher’s short fictional story, which depicts a man reckoning with God as Heavenly Mother. In “Dear Emily, who is dead,” Linda Hamilton speaks directly to the woman she is doing work for in the temple. Shayla Frandsen lyrically reflects on her child’s potential through the lens of her own upbringing and hopes. In Julia Chiou Knutson’s piece, she learns to let go of old narratives in order to live more fully. In both Hadley Duncan Howard and Sydney Prichett’s essays, we see the narrators come to a spiritual peace of their own making.

This issue also makes space for queer journeys and the various tensions they have faced, which offer testimonies about the power of love over fear and hate. From our book review of The Book of Queer Mormon Joy to Rosalyn Eve’s Sabbath Pastoral, we celebrate all spiritual paths. We see this poignantly in Alma Frances Pellett’s essay on shopping for gender-affirming garments and also in Dani Blatter’s theology piece on how her trans coming out experience resembled scriptural descriptions of being born again. These women’s stories show the Church’s recently passed trans exclusion policy as the fearful, phobic, and cruel policy that it is. We stand firmly against such bigotry and invite you to share these powerful personal witnesses, and other trans stories, with those who need it.

We have also brought back a fan-favorite “Sisters Speak” feature, highlighting responses to the Church’s March Instagram post that went viral after quoting Sister J. Anette Dennis’s claim: “There is no other religious organization in the world, that I know of, that has so broadly given power and authority to women.” This outpouring of replies gives an important snapshot into our current moment. We know these voices — all of our voices — matter. We feature (with permission) just a few of the 17,400+ on the original post.

In my own wrestling amid this onslaught of family tensions, I have been again unlearning my judgments toward others — but also toward myself. For me, this is a time to slow down. Maybe the same is true for you. I’m grateful for those who articulate their truths that help me better see my own. I’m recognizing that I do not need to prove my worth to the point of exhaustion; I am already worthy and loved. I see the same in each and every brave voice, be it written or visual, in this collection.

We welcome our new readers and contributors, and we see you and appreciate those who have been supporting us for a few or many seasons. Whether you are a new subscriber or have been with us for fifty years, we welcome you to this space of trust, deep sharing, and active listening.

(Photo by Gaman Alice on Unsplash)

Thirst and Hunger: Heavenly Mother?

I am a woman.  I love my femininity. I love my woman body and am thankful for it. I am humbled and stand in reverent awe at the wonder of creating human children, giving birth to them, and breast feeding them. I love that I am my own individual. I love that I am a creator of music. I love that I am connected to many different and wonderful people. I love the joy that comes from being in nature, that comes from running and playing sports, that comes from using my mind.

I am a daughter of Jeff and Juanita.  Some of the things I know deeply about myself stem from their nurture and presence in my life.  Some from my dad. Some from my mom. Spending time, a LOT of time with them was water and food to a growing seedling. I looked to them for strength, for understanding, for safety, for love. And I found it. 

I have a close relationship with my dad. When I am with him, I remember the water and food from my seedling years. I remember my mind is strong, that spending time in nature is a way to connect with the Divine, that my voice matters.  

My mom died 17 years ago. As time passes since April 21st, 2005, I fear I will lose my mom. I fear I will forget her penetrating hugs, her voice as she sang me the lullaby, “I’m the One Who Writes my Own Story,” how whole I felt when in her presence. 

And so I pause. I imagine her hugging me. I occasionally talk things out with her while on a hike and no one can hear me. I rack my mind for the memories I know I have, somewhere. I listen for her voice somewhere in my heart or my mind. I wonder what she would do, what she would say. I look in the mirror and try to see her in me, and I in her.  I spend time creatively with her. Because she is not here.

And it feeds my soul.

I love my Heavenly Father. I love talking with Him while I do yoga and go on walks.  I love how I feel about myself as I learn about His character and His love. As I read beautiful scripture about His nature, His mercy, His strength, I learn about myself, about my potential, about my divinity. This is food and water.

And still, at times, I thirst and hunger for Something else, for Someone else. My Heavenly Mother? And so I pause. I meditate. I wonder what it means to also be connected to a Divine being that is female. I look in the mirror and see feminine body parts and contemplate that a Goddess has those same parts. I feel confident, I feel humility, I feel gratitude, inhabiting a female body, like Someone else. I ask myself, “What must have it felt like to be in Her presence as a spiritual seedling?  What was Her food? What was Her water?”  I walk by the river, and hear the music and wonder if she taught me the love of music? Of creativity? What did she teach me?  I don’t demand answers. What I want is a quiet and personal connection, an understanding of who I am, and Whose I am. A divine validation.  I creatively imagine and ponder what our relationship might have been, what it may be in the future, and what it can be. Now.    

And it feeds my soul.

Relief Society discussions aren’t supposed to focus on the talk

I’d guess that most people would say their Elder’s Quorum and Relief Society discussions are about general conference talks. However, that’s not what the handbook says the discussion should focus on. Section 9.2.1.2 says “The focus [of gospel instruction and discussion] should be on topics in one or more talks from the most recent general conference” (emphasis added). The handbook uses the exact same wording for the Elder’s Quorum in section 8.2.1.2. Having the discussion be about a topic or theme from a talk is different than having the discussion be about the talk. This is a subtle but powerful distinction.

I’ve mentioned this distinction to a number of current Relief Society teachers and presidents. The typical response is wide-eyed excitement as they start to understand how they might approach lessons in new ways. They’ve all appreciated having awareness of this difference. It gives them church-approved language to start conversations about how their wards could have more engaging Relief Society discussions. I’ve heard more than one person say that part of the reason some sisters don’t come to Relief Society is because the lessons are a forty minute summary of a ten minute talk.

Many members are tired of talks about talks and lessons about talks. Some leaders are aware of this fatigue and have taken proactive steps to encourage members to share more of their own spiritual learning. Here is the boilerplate talk assignment text used in one blogger’s ward:
“Please consider the general conference talk [talk name and speaker] from this past General Conference. However, when preparing your remarks, please focus on 1) the theme, and 2) your testimony of the Savior, the gospel, and how the theme helps you draw closer to the Savior. The purpose of the conference talk is to help you connect with the Spirit regarding the theme. While you are invited to quote sections of the talk, your comments should remain focused on the theme, over the talk. Of course, you may use scripture, other talks, Church resources, etc. as the Spirit directs. Thanks again.”
The language used shows that the leaders want members to share personal experiences with their own gospel learning. Even with this invitation though, most people still summarize the conference talk.

It is easier to summarize a talk than to create your own lesson plan or talk. The latter requires more time and skill. It’s a skill that needs to be taught and modeled. One blogger lived in a ward where the Bishopric would write a talk based on just the title of the conference talk. They would then compare the points that both talks covered.

Creating lesson plans is also a skill that takes time and practice to develop. Here are some steps that I’ve found helpful in creating meaningful experiences in Relief Society:

Steps to plan a lessonIdentify the theme in the talk that you want to discuss with the classConsider your personal experiences with the themeOutline how to spend the lesson time. Most lessons can be broken into 2-4 segments. Guess how much time is needed for each segment and consider any logistics needed to create the experience you want. A few tricks I’ve learned:A quote or a story from a talk may introduce a segmentAlternatively, it may work better to discuss the topic first and then bring in a quote, story, or scripture. This allows you to gauge what your class already understands about the topic and how they might relate (or not!) to the quote you selected.Sharing your own experiences can encourage others to share theirs. This can help the conversation get started. As the teacher, you can carefully select experiences to share ahead of time.A powerful teaching tool is to have the last segment of the lesson be time where the class members can practice the topic together.Example lessonHere’s how I used those steps to create a lesson:I was assigned Elder Holland’s talk “Motions of a Hidden Fire”. The theme I chose to cover was “prayer”.I thought of a number of prayer experiences that were particularly meaningful to me. I noticed that none of them were the typical prayer-on-your-knees-before-bed that we usually talk about. This resonated with the part of Elder Holland’s talk where he tells about Jesus praying in so many ways in so many different contexts.I chose to plan my lesson around this three segment outline:prayer is for learning (introduce the topic)prayer can take a variety of forms (allow time for sharing)pray for those around you (practice living the principle)Here’s the expanded version of the three lesson segments:I used a story to get to a quote. I started by telling a story about how all my daughters were obsessed with Frozen when they were little. They played it all the time! Two of them played very creatively and what “playing Frozen” looked like varied from day to day. The other was much more literal and you had to quote the lines just like the movie when you played with her. Then I had the class guess what I thought that story had to do with prayer. (The way we pray may be different from each other, but we’re still doing the same thing: communicating with God. Prayer is for learning just like play is for learning.) We read a quote from the talk where it says Jesus prayed in so many ways.I asked the class to share some of the memorable/meaningful prayers they’ve experienced. My class jumped right in and started sharing, but I had an experience picked out ahead of time in case people needed more time to think. Some ways that I remember being discussed: writing your prayer out to help your mind stay focused, praying while going for a walk, composing a prayer ahead of time.Elder Holland’s talk quoted Amulek, who said that we should pray for “those who are around you.” I wanted the class to experience doing this together. Creating this experience required some planning. A few days before class, I sent a message through Circles suggesting that something sisters could do to prepare for our lesson would be to think of someone around you to pray for. I arrived early to arrange the chairs in a kind of circle. There was a back row. There were multiple breaks in the circle for easy escape. I made sure to watch the clock because I wanted to have plenty of time for this segment of class. When we got to this point of the lesson, I explained that we would be saying a prayer together and anyone who wanted to participate should sit in the inner circle. We’d pass around a stone and when the stone got to you, you were welcome to pray for a person close to your heart. There was no obligation to participate; you could simply pass the stone along or stay in the back row if you wanted to. Once the rock went around the circle, I would close the prayer.

This lesson ended up being a beautiful experience. The whole lesson only referenced Elder Holland’s talk twice. The discussion was about prayer, not his talk (although his talk certainly shaped how I structured the lesson). The power of the lesson was in how it invited sisters to commune not just with God, but also with each other. This is what I crave at church: connection with those around me.

After I’d written out the steps to my lesson plan method, I got curious about what lesson guidance is in Teaching, No Greater Call. I appreciate the list of methods found at the end of the “Teaching with Variety” chapter. There is a chapter on “Creating Lessons from Conference Talks and Other Resources” that would be great to discuss in a teacher training meeting. In their example, they only used an excerpt from a talk. If leaders assigned a short excerpt from a talk (perhaps along with a theme), it could help speakers and teachers focus on the desired topic.

I’d love to hear ideas from our readers! Has your ward been successful in teacher development? How did you do it? What topics do you wish were covered in your Relief Society discussions? If you are a leader, what topics will you be looking for in General Conference?

2024 is Exponent II’s 50th anniversary! Help us last another fifty years by subscribing or donating.

Last Day?

By Valerie Nicole Green

Valerie Nicole Green is a transgender woman who was active in her ward of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Missouri until September 6th 2024 when she tendered her resignation from the church. Before transitioning, she was married for 34 years and is now widowed. She is a parent to five children and grandparent to six grandchildren. After five decades of waiting, she fully socially transitioned on January 1, 2019. She loves tennis and pickles (and her family when they’re behaving).

Last day? 

It’s August 25th and I’m getting ready for church. I haven’t been in a couple of months while I recovered from jaw surgery. It feels like a return, or at least it should. Instead, every step of getting ready this morning felt like the last. That wasn’t my conscious thought, but I could feel the message that my body was giving me. I wasn’t sure if I was attending because I had to do it one last time, but I was determined to be there.

Earlier in the week, the church released their new policy for transgender members. Let me just state up front that it’s a horrible policy. I’ll discuss the various aspects as we go along but the important one for this part of the story is that transgender members who have transitioned in any way, even something as simple as a pronoun change, can only attend gendered meetings according to their “biological sex assigned at birth”. That meant that the 4+ years that I have enjoyed the privilege of attending Relief Society meetings and activities had come to an end. If I wanted to attend a second hour class on those Sundays, I would have to attend Elders Quorum. I can assure you that I will never set foot in an Elders Quorum meeting again.

I got ready knowing it was Relief Society Sunday and I would not be going to that class. That is especially painful. When I first transitioned, I was barred from any gendered class, meeting, or activity. At the time, I could accept that because I was holding out hope for change. I felt compelled to remain active to let others know that LGBTQ members were striving to be there and that coming out or transitioning did not affect our beliefs, our faith, or who we were. 

Change came in February of 2020. Between the time I transitioned at church in the fall of 2018 and when the policies were issued in 2020, I had Relief Society sisters who were advocates and supporters. They wanted me in Relief Society even though the church would not allow it. In seeking compromise, they made a point of inviting me to anything that wasn’t official. That was an act of inclusion that was wholeheartedly welcomed and quite admirable. When the 2020 policy came out, my Relief Society President was the first person on the phone to the Bishop advocating for my inclusion. She called me second. Less than a week later I was formally invited to Relief Society.

Some have suggested being defiant and/or feigning ignorance and attending Relief Society until they explicitly ask me to leave. That’s not my style. Their meeting, their rules. They can own it and not attempt to justify their behavior by pointing to mine and gaslighting us with “see… transgender people are disruptive.”

My body wanted to cry as I drove to church. I willed it not to. My will wasn’t enough. I did manage to walk into the building with dry eyes after a few minutes sitting in my car and composing myself. 

It became an experiment. Hold it together and treat it like a normal Sunday; at least what normal felt like for the last four years. Let the experience of NOT going to the second hour just happen and then analyze it.

Success? Of course not. I wrote the start of this during sacrament meeting. Hey, I did the “no second hour” thing for my first 18 months after I transitioned until the 2020 policies came out. Now I had questions for myself. Will it be the same? Do I have the same determination now that I had then? What will I do if someone comes over and encourages me to go with them to RS? Will that even happen? Is anyone even aware of what this day is like? Why would they?

Someone online commented that it doesn’t matter where you are in the building if you’re there for worship. I can imagine that same person roaming the halls telling people to get to class. The comment felt invalidating and privileged. 

I thought about the lines from the opening song.

“Welcome, Welcome, Sabbath Morning”

That’s the last thing I felt.

“Now we rest from every care”

I don’t think so. My cares were mounting and this is the place that was giving them rise.

“By the Savior’s Golden Rule”

That Golden Rule just did not seem to be part of what was happening. “Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.” I could not believe that the exclusion being directed towards transgender members was what cisgender members wanted to have applied to themselves.

When I started this journey I would often state that we needed to separate the Gospel from the institution and the doctrine from policies. On this day, I wanted to focus on separating the policies from the attitudes of my fellow congregation members. I want to believe that the people in my ward would not agree with these policies.

After sacrament meeting I left the building and went home. I felt done. Again I was asking if this was the last time. One sister texted me from Relief Society class and let me know that I was missed. It felt good to know that even one person had some understanding of what was happening. She asked what she could do as an ally. Honestly, I don’t know. Part of me would be honored if allies also refused to attend if I could not. But a couple of people in one ward is not going to get policy changed. I would rather they were in the meeting themselves. 

I spent the rest of the day binging a television show so I didn’t have to think about things. 

What has changed?

So let’s look at the policy. I’m not going to go through it in detail because each person can read it for themselves. If you visit the transgender policy section of the handbook at 38. Church Policies and Guidelines you’ll find an innocuous hyperlink with the text “guiding principles” that leads to a PDF at Church Participation of Individuals Who Identify as Transgender

I found it cowardly that they would put this policy in a separate document rather than putting it directly in the handbook and just owning it. It felt like something they didn’t want people to know about unless they were really looking. Who’s going to click on a hyperlink with that text? You’d expect to find some generic guidelines about serving and loving. Your casual reader, even someone who was actively curious about transgender people in the church, might never see these policies. 

I also find it distasteful that they refer to it as “guiding principles” and then use very specific language about what can and cannot be done, including a note that exceptions to these guiding principles should be rare and would require Area Authority permission. Rare will be the local leader who will not follow this to the letter. 

The opening to the document lists some general guidelines and one of them is “consider the needs of the individual and other ward members”. It might as well read “give preference to the comfort of other ward members”. That is exactly what I  expect will happen in most cases and I think this policy will be seen as permission to be as exclusionary as possible.

I find it funny (not “ha ha” funny) that they have a section named “Preferred Names and Pronouns” and the very first sentence in that section enforces the recording of sex at birth on all official church records. I don’t know how that’s related to names and pronouns. But then it goes on to tell local leaders that they should not determine or prescribe how members address an individual. This is blanket permission to allow other members to dead name transgender members and to use incorrect pronouns rather than even suggesting that they try to honor the names and pronouns of these members.

The next section is “Gender-Specific Meetings and Activities” where they put into writing that transgender members can only attend meetings based upon their “biological sex at birth”. I can’t imagine that they would want transgender men in Relief Society and transgender women in Elders Quorum. Sometimes I don’t think that people really understand the ramifications of their own rules. It seems like those situations would create the very distractions that they purport to be avoiding. Besides, I also can’t imagine those individuals wanting to attend those meetings.

In the “Overnight Activities” section, the policy requires attendance at gendered activities to also be based upon “biological sex at birth”. They offer as examples Young Women camps and Aaronic Priesthood camps. The most remarkable thing I find about this is that the younger generation does not care about these issues. It is their parents who seem to believe that something horrible is going to happen or that transgender members are somehow contagious or dangerous. This is further emphasized when it goes on to talk about overnight activities that are not for specific genders. In those cases, a transgender person must actually leave the activity overnight. What transgender member is going to want to go to a conference if they have to be singled out by leaving it every night? It’s demeaning and dehumanizing. 

To further emphasize the church’s belief that transgender members are somehow dangerous, they introduce a “Callings and Assignments” section in which any transitioned member is not allowed to have any gender-specific calling, serve as a teacher in any capacity, or have any position that works with children or youth. I cannot say that I enjoy being associated with an organization that would treat me as though I were some sort of predator. The more times I read this, the greater my disdain and the more convinced I become that it is time to leave 

Finally, they introduce a bathroom policy. Again, I don’t know what they’re thinking would be the actual result of implementing this policy. They want transitioned men in the women’s restroom and transitioned women in the men’s restroom. Oddly, they don’t put any restrictions on those situations. But if a transitioned person were to enter the restroom that aligned with their gender expression they would be required to have it cleared and guarded to ensure they were in there alone. It really doesn’t make any sense. Some transgender members have reported discussions with their local leaders in which these policies were described as being for safety. I can very much assure you that the only person in danger in any of these circumstances when forced to follow these policies would be the transgender members themselves. 

Reactions and Decisions

I’ve seen comments by many allies saying that they would gladly accompany a transgender member to the class that aligns with their gender expression and would stand guard at a restroom for them. I appreciate the hearts and minds of those allies and their willingness to do what they can. Personally, I would never accept such an offer. The offer would be welcomed, but the need for the offer assaults the dignity of the transgender member and is both humiliating and dehumanizing.

My local leaders have been generally pretty good. I’ve considered myself lucky. The day after this new policy was published, I sent a copy to my Stake President, my Bishop, and my Relief Society President. I sent them this query: “I would like to know where this leaves me with the renewed emphasis on sex at birth determination for meetings, activities, and facilities use.”

It’s been over two weeks since I sent that and the only thing I’ve heard was a reply by the Stake President that he had received my email and would get back to me. I was disappointed that there was no compassion and no empathy expressed in that email. I’m disappointed that I haven’t heard back from either of the leaders in my own ward. That includes when I was physically in the building with them and I received zero acknowledgment. I had much higher hopes for them. (I should note that my current Relief Society president is not the one I talked about above.} Is it innocent and am I being impatient? Possibly, but I also know how I would respond to someone who had been given news like this. This is not it. 

One of the statements in the policy is that any exception to the new rule about gender specific meeting or activity attendance must be approved by an Area Presidency. I’ve thought long and hard about that. My conclusion is that I would never seek such an exception and if someone did so on my behalf, I would not accept it. The very idea that some exception has to be granted just feels horrible. Does it come down to who you know? Does it come down to who has the better advocate? Does it come down to classifying the “good” transgender people versus the “bad” transgender people? I can’t accept an exception as long as an exception is required. The very thought that I would get one while others don’t is demoralizing. 

Several transgender members have reported conversations with their local leaders. One leader described this policy as a “reasonable compromise”. I don’t know where they see compromise and I don’t understand their definition of reasonable.

One transgender member had their Stake and Ward leaders suggest that they felt comfortable maintaining the status quo regarding attendance in meetings.  Although it’s none of my business, I can say that I was glad to hear that this member replied that they would need to know that the Area President had granted an exception based on this policy. I would not and will not begrudge anyone who seeks, obtains, and uses such an exception. All power to them. I just know that I can’t do that myself.

Since the policy came out, I have been asked to appear on one podcast and to attend two allies meetings. Each of those events left me with some immediate feelings of hope. They lifted some of the darkness as cisgender allies expressed their love and concern for transgender members and their families and their disdain for these policies. I’ve walked away from those meetings feeling lighter and that maybe I could move forward with a hope that these policies would be reversed just as the 2015 policies for the LGB community were reversed just three and a half years later. I just don’t know that it’s light enough and I don’t know if I’m willing to wait with a hopeful attitude. 

I have also read many social media posts and comments. Some ideas suggested are that these are guidelines rather than policies and, as such, they would be as subject to leadership roulette as things were before the new policy was published. I just don’t see the majority of church leaders seeing this as anything other than policy written in stone. If someone had a leader who was not already acting in a progressive way, this policy will definitely give them cover for avoiding anything progressive. 

One transgender member I know had a Bishop who read the policy document when it was provided to them but said they couldn’t find it in the handbook. They were choosing to not follow any of it since they couldn’t find it in the handbook. Can I welcome such positive willful ignorance? I would love to see it throughout the church from all leaders. I just don’t expect it.

As for the social media suggestions that these are merely guidelines rather than policy (because of the name of the supplemental document and the text on the hyperlink that is used to link to it), I just don’t think that’s going to fly. Given the internal wording on the supplement itself, I just don’t see leaders treating it as anything other than policy and I don’t believe for a second that the leadership who created this document expects it to be anything less than policy.

I happen to be a founding board member of the Emmaus LGBTQ Ministry. One of the things we do at our weekly board meetings is to conduct a check-in to see how each of us is doing in life. The day after this policy came out I told them that I think I’m done. This feels like the last straw. When I first transitioned, I felt a calling to be a light on a hill. All I feel right now is a desire to drop a bushel basket over my light and let others take on the fight. As I write this I am about 95% certain that I will be removing my name from the records of the church. It is the one place in my life where my gender is dishonored and where I voluntarily participate while being treated as though I were a danger. I don’t know that I have it in me to continue being generous while waiting for change that is positive toward the LGBTQ+ community, especially for transgender members.

I recognize that I am bitter about this and I even believe that I could force myself to be understanding and forgiving. I just don’t think I want to.

I still don’t know if August 25th was my last day at this church.

Note

(Note: It was. I wrote the first draft of this on September 4. On September 6, I submitted my resignation letter to my Bishop and Stake President. I received a respectful and compassionate response later that day. Apparently, my Stake President and Bishop had been meeting on the very night that I made my decision. Neither they nor I believe that was a coincidence.)