Confessions of a Recovering Patriarchist, Part Two
Note: This is the second in a two-part series of guest blog posts by Jennifer Thomas / David Andersen, “Confessions of a Recovering Patriarchist.” In part one, she offered her perspective as a trans woman on the LDS Church’s recent policy changes. In part two, she examines how patriarchy has led the Church’s leaders and many of its male members to enact and support these policies.
Jennifer Thomas is an openly bi-gender individual in her late 60s who spent most of her adult life experiencing patriarchal privilege as a devoted Church leader. She is happily married for over 45 years to her amazing wife, Mary Ann.
Patriarchy is like the water that we all swim in. Most of us, especially the men, are scarcely, if at all, aware of it. But its influence is everywhere, impacting almost every facet of the organization and of our culture. With men, it seems to form a thick coating that insulates them, protects them, and causes them to see things, well, differently than those who don’t enjoy the patriarchy privilege. That’s why you get statements in the Proclamation on the Family that say husbands and wives should be equal partners AND husbands should preside.
Some people, mostly women, but also some men, have learned to recognize patriarchy and are willing to call it out when needed. For me, this is an essential part of what it means to be a feminist. (You’ll know you are trending towards being a feminist when you realize that it makes no sense at all to insist that husbands and wives are equal partners but husbands preside.)
It took me quite a while to begin to detect the patriarchy that I was coated in, and I have to give most of the credit to my eldest daughter. I was serving in a stake presidency at the time the Ordain Women movement was having a moment. My daughter surprised me by speaking favorably of these women and what they hoped to accomplish. She also suggested several easy things that the Church could do to provide women with a larger role and a more prominent voice.
When a full-on patriarch hears something that seems to be detrimental to the established order of things, the initial reaction is suspicion and doubt. If that person also happens to be a Church leader, and what he is hearing is a proposal for change, those feelings of suspicion and doubt are immediately interpreted as the spirit prompting him that this is not right. So, the easy (and seemingly obvious) answer is simply “no”.
In my case, though, I was a counselor and thus not the decision maker, meaning I could give myself the luxury of considering some of these new ideas. I also knew my daughter to be a very intelligent, thoughtful, and wise person, so I could not easily dismiss the things she was telling me.
I cautiously brought forward into a high council meeting the suggestion that we ask our Young Women to serve as ushers at our stake conference. After a few nervous chuckles, the meeting quickly moved on to other topics. In a stake presidency meeting, I pointed out that we have no female input at all on most of our deliberations, and suggested we invite the stake Relief Society president to join us on a regular basis. The stake president gave that a hard “no” explaining that with a sister in the room we would spend too much time talking and never get anything done. At this point, my patriarchal coating had developed some serious cracks and I was beginning to perceive things quite differently than before.
But it was when my social transition required me to set aside my male privilege, my priesthood, and the corresponding high-visibility offices, and I made serious efforts to be able to fit in with and learn from the sisters that a lot more of my patriarchal shell has fallen away. I know that I am not completely free of it. My wife, thankfully, will help me see that on occasion. But I can honestly say that I see things differently and more clearly now.
Yet I still remember how hard it is for those who are fully ensconced in patriarchy to give any real consideration to what they would consider feminist incursions. Ordaining women would obviously undermine patriarchy and thus cannot be seriously considered. Church leaders were not even willing to be seen entering into dialogue with women who advocated for ordination.
Patriarchy can only be maintained if there is a gender binary. There has to be the upper group and the lower group. Transgenderism represents a direct affront to the gender binary, and thus to patriarchy. It is particularly troubling to a full-on patriarch to have to deal with men who wish to surrender their birthright and live as women, voluntarily moving from the upper group to the lower group. When a leader is troubled by something, they instinctively interpret that as divine displeasure. Most leaders have little to no opportunity to spend time with and really connect with a trans person, so they go with their gut.
The policy language reflects the fact that they (the leaders) realize that this is difficult and want to be perceived as loving. They don’t want to make it worse than it has to be (though their policy choices, by affirming transphobes, often do just that). However, they feel that they must reign in behavior that is displeasing to God, threatens the established order of things, and is becoming far more prevalent than it used to be. And there you have it.
Science is rapidly advancing in the understanding of gender. It’s way more complex than just X and Y chromosomes. Intersex people are far more prevalent than we previously understood. We know that in nature, gender is neither strictly binary nor static. (Just read about clown fish like Nemo if you want an example.)
My ask to all who would be allies: find a way to speak truth to power. Share your feelings with bishops, stake presidents, and anyone else in power that you have a relationship with. Speak up in council meetings and other appropriate settings. Don’t be prescriptive (that usually backfires), but do share how these policies make you feel. That is enough, and I believe it will eventually make a difference.
In a future day, the combination of irrefutable scientific knowledge combined with social pressure from both outside and inside the Church will force a reconsideration of these policies and hopefully, the insidiousness of patriarchy as well. Sadly, trans people will endure much pain in the meantime and the Church will suffer from their absence.
