Exponent II's Blog, page 237

Guest Post: Liberation Through Obedience

[image error]by Blaire Ostler

You might find yourself scoffing at the title of this post, but hear me out. For me, obedience in my religion is quite liberating, especially as a woman. Here’s why.

God gave us the greatest commandment through Jesus Christ. The greatest commandment is to love God and love each other. All other commandments hinge on this commandment. If any other command or request conflicts with the first commandment of thou shalt love, it should be reworked, reimagined, or discarded. No other command can supersede God’s ultimate commandment to love.

Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22: 36-40)

God didn’t say, ye must be obedient to unrighteous authoritarians, tyrants, and patriarchs. God didn’t say, ye must be obedient to homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist ideals. God didn’t say ye must vote according to the political requests of your religious institution. God didn’t say ye shall not seek after priesthood ordination. God didn’t say ye must take all commands unquestionably, ye shall not doubt religious leaders, or ye shall obey all requests from patriarchs like robots. No. God didn’t say these things.

God said love me and love your neighbor. No other commandment, rule, policy, or request may conflict with the first. This is the commandment that all other commandments hinge upon. Which is explicit permission to disobey a teaching that conflicts with the greatest commandment to love.

Any patriarch who is telling you to obey a command that conflicts with love is acting as a false prophet. False prophets will tell you to obey at the expense of God’s first commandment, to love. They may even try to manipulate you into believing a command, policy, and regulation is made from their ‘so-called’ love. However, if their ‘so-called’ love doesn’t promote life, flourishing, and joy it is not love. (2 Nephi 2:25, Moses 1:39) They preach falsehoods and should be resisted through strict obedience to God’s first commandment.

For me it is not a matter of if we should be obedient, but rather how we should be obedient.

How do we obey? How do we love?

Obedience fundamentally requires agency, and that we think and act as free agents. God will not micromanage our obedience to his commandment to love God and each other. “For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.” (D&C 58:26) Furthermore, we “should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness.” (D&C 58:27) Obedience to God’s greatest command is not simple, dogmatic, or easy. It requires your thoughtful engagement as a free agent. At times you must disobey an unrighteous authority to obey a higher authority—love.

God is not interested in robotic obedience or we wouldn’t have a need for agency—that was Satan’s plan. We must be agents unto ourselves, and free ourselves of tyrannical falsehoods which equivocate obedience to God’s law of universal love with dogmatic compliance to authority. These are not the same. Each person has the right and responsibility to obey God’s commandments according to the dictates of their conscience with an open heart and willing mind. (Article of Faith 11, D&C 64:34).

In this context, obedience to God’s greatest commandment can liberate us from dogma, tyranny, apathy, and thoughtlessness. If the greatest commandment is to love, by all means, be obedience. Obey God with every fiber of your being. God is love. (1 John 4:8) Feel love in your bones—let it motive your every thought, decision, and action. It is in obedience to God’s commandment to love one another that we are free to act as agents.

We have been taught correct principles and it is now time to govern ourselves.

#hearLDSwomen: Penalized for My District Leader’s Mistake

[image error]A few months into my mission, my companion and I requested to visit a popular tourist site that missionaries sometimes visited on preparation day. It was outside our area but not very far geographically. We requested permission from our district leader and waited for a response. The night before P-day, we asked if we had gotten permission and he said yes. We had a nice cultural experience, but that evening after we got home we got a call from an upset district leader asking where we’d gone and saying we hadn’t received permission after all. I reminded him that he told us we had got permission and he responded, “if I told you to put your hand in fire, would you? You messed up.” He’d forgotten to ask permission and didn’t want to get in trouble, so he blamed us.

We didn’t have anything to lose anyway, stuck on the bottom, while he could risk his chance to work his way up the mission leadership ladder. Turns out even on the bottom we had mission status to lose. The false story that we’d disobeyed our district leader and sneaked out of our area without permission was apparently reported to the zone leaders, who reported it to the assistants, who discussed it with the mission president, who never bothered to ask for our account.

Shortly after this transfers came up, and me and my companion were both sent to less than desirable areas with two incredibly difficult missionaries. Most of the other sisters were training because so many new sisters were coming that transfer. My mission president clearly never trusted me after that and treated me as if I wasn’t a loving, hard working missionary who strived everyday to serve and love people like the Savior would. I never liked proving myself to someone who misjudged me, so I determined my mission was between me and the Lord, so the mission president’s opinion didn’t matter. However, it made my mission more difficult, and he even tried to tell me I needed to stay an extra transfer on my mission because I hadn’t learned the lessons I was supposed to and would never be happy in this life. It wasn’t a lovely blessing to receive from my mission president before going home, but I knew God was aware of my heart and my works and took comfort in that.

My mission experience taught me some valuable life lessons, built some sweet relationships, and opened my feminist eyes, so for that I’m grateful. I did, however, spend many, many lonely days in a foreign country feeling invisible and put in my voiceless place underneath the power and whims of priesthood leaders who presided over me. Suddenly that position I’d been in my entire life, and expected to stay in for the rest of my life, didn’t feel like such a great setup for me.

– Katie

 

Pro tip: Give people the benefit of the doubt or listen to their side before judging them. When we emphasize power and position more than honesty and service, people will find it easy to blame others to cover their mistakes.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

Pedestal Problem

A pedestal is a small stand to mount something on. It is a base for something decorative such as a statue, vase, or column. Figuratively, it is a place for some respected or highly regarded person. I continue to hear some women, and many men, say that they are honoring women by ‘putting them on a pedestal’. I find it harmful and dehumanizing. For this blog, I am going to simplify and use the same man-woman, male-female dichotomy that church leaders use. I want to acknowledge that this language is imperfect and doesn’t describe the lived experience of all people.

A few years ago I watched an animated movie with my kids called “Gnomeo and Juliet”, a retelling of Romeo and Juliet with red and blue garden gnomes as the main characters. Juliet gets down from her pedestal and tries a lot of things that her father doesn’t approve of (i.e. leaving the yard, and riding a lawn mower with a gnome of the wrong color). Her father says something like “Get back up on your pedestal where you belong!” and glues her in place. This part of the film struck me hard. When someone else tells you where you need to stand, and how, and decides whether you can move or not, you lose your freedom and individuality. It does not bring you true honor and admiration, because you aren’t your acting your true self.

Some of the ways women are pedestalized in church:

“Women are more spiritual than men.” Why would anyone be against such a position of admiration? When women are set up on display for their righteousness, it takes away their humanness and falliability. Women are not actually more spiritual than men. They are living beings with great capacity for good as well as evil:  creative ability, wisdom, leadership, and other talents and on the other end of the spectrum: selfishness, thoughtlessness, pride, and other follies – just like men. Although some people say that women are more spiritual, I am not convinced they actually BELIEVE it; because these are the same people that will give great detailed instructions to women about how to be women and they don’t seem to trust women’s spiritual intuition whatsoever.

“Women are so special, they don’t need the priesthood.” Priesthood, the power of God on earth and the authority of administering the ordinances that are to bring one to God. Women are so good they don’t need that? And men do? To me, that argument makes no sense at all, it is a platitude for dismissing blatantly sexist policy. Women have no power or voice in the kingdom of God because they are so darn special? Putting the entire burden of the kingdom on the men’s shoulders deprives them of the insights of half the church body. Women’s voices should be heard and they should fully participate at all levels to best represent the membership of the church.

“Women are so wonderful and self-sacrificing”, this makes women feel like they have to conform to this impossible ideal. They have to always put others first: their spouse, their children, and anyone they serve. They feel like it is selfish to care for themselves and put their needs first. This harms the whole family, because when the woman’s needs go unmet she will become exhausted and less able to love and serve in the way she would like.

“Good women are great supporters, they never complain about the time their husband spends on his callings.” This makes women feel like they can’t voice their concerns or complaints when their husband neglects the family for his church calling and she is left to try to cope on her own. She might carry resentment that will poison her relationship. This also keeps men from actually hearing feedback from their wives about how to better balance their home and outside responsibilities and having a fully contributing partner.

“Women are all mothers with a natural mothering ability.” This puts huge pressure on women who don’t feel like they fit the mold. It makes women feel like they are a failure if they can’t find a spouse and/or reproduce. Some women don’t want children. Some can’t have them, This makes women feel terrible if they don’t experience a natural nurturing inclination, or if in any way their mothering skills don’t seem to meet the high standard they have built for themselves over the years. Many women carry great resentment about the pedestalizing of motherhood, and the painful tradition of the Mothers’ Day Rameumptum. This way of thinking also keeps men from fully embracing their own nurturing nature. What about “Men are natural nurturers, all men are fathers.” How often do we hear that from the pulpit? Yet, it is about the only message directed at women. They are supposedly eternal beings that have been around forever as female and will continue forever as female; yet they are entirely defined by this one role that they may or may be actively practicing for a limited number of years in their mortal life. Women are full people with abundant life and fill a number of roles, just as men do.

“Women are the gatekeepers of sexual purity.” This puts the onus of sexual sin on the female, though often she will have been coerced. Even in cases of rape, many women have been falsely called to repentance and even disciplined by their priesthood leaders because leaders believed women were responsible for what happened to them sexually. Many women have been disciplined more severely than their co-sinners for sexual indiscretion. Men should be just as accountable. A rapist should be fully accountable before god and the laws of the land, as a victim is innocent of wrongdoing.

“Women should wear modest clothing to keep men from sinful thoughts.” This makes women responsible for the sexual thoughts of others; ignoring that women are also sexual beings and that each human being is supposedly responsible for their own thoughts and behaviors. Women’s clothing choices are not responsible for how men experience the world. Additionally, sexual response is a part of being human and not something to constantly be shaming people over. It is impossible for sexual beings to never experience arousal,  women and men both.

“We don’t talk about Heavenly Mother because she is too sacred.” This leaves women frustrated that we are told our gender is important and eternal, yet there is no direct information about the feminine role model. We can only speculate. And if we do, we will likely offend some people who have bought into this trope. Women are supposed to patiently wait until the next life to have all of our questions answered. And meanwhile we are supposed to be obedient to the men in power.

[image error]

Think what it means for a woman to stand higher than others on a small platform, isolated and alone. What a limited scope that has for her sphere of influence. She remains precariously balanced, respected only so far as she stays put and doesn’t step outside the expectations that placed her there. If she is knocked off, falls off, or steps down from the pedestal she is no longer admired, but scorned, having lost her position of supposed eminence. A pedestal is far better suited for displaying a decorative sculpture than housing women’s bodies, reputations, or spirits. A living being must have space to roam, to go out and learn and grow and interact and experience. An autonomous being can not be circumscribed like a statue or ornament without constricting and suffocating her spirit.

And what of equality? Does the pedestal lift women up to a position of equality of men? If so, then it is only in that small space where she is equal. If a woman is equal without the boost of the pedestal, then putting her up there upsets the balance. Are women equal or aren’t they? If a woman is described as ‘better than a man’ they are not equal. If a man is ‘better than a woman’ they are not equal. We’ve got a lot of confusing and contradictory information coming from the church about the supposed ‘equality’ of men and women. For example, in the proclamation we read that husband and wife are ‘equal partners’ yet, it also states that the husband ‘presides’. Preside means he is in the position of authority above others and equal means a person or thing considered to be the same as another in status or quality. If men and women are coequal in their marriage, why doesn’t the proclamation say that? Why insist on stating that the husband presides? What possible good can come from pedestalizing one partner, while the other ‘presides’?

I feel like the church would say it decries unrighteous dominion, yet ‘righteous dominion’ of the male over the female is applauded and even recommended as God’s pattern for family life. I learn from the church that men are entitled to a birthright of governing and controlling in all aspects of life, and women are there to be paradoxically ornamental on a pedestal, yet in reality subservient under the headship of the male.

I would love to see the church become a place where men and women are equal in importance, in opportunities, in position, and in ability to represent God on earth. And where when we think of an equal marriage, we are thinking of a wife and husband of equal status – who are also ‘equal to the task’- having the resources and ability between them to meet the challenges of life together in the best way they see fit.

#hearLDSwomen: Women Are Culturally Conditioned to Be Silent

[image error]One time I was in a meeting of all the Young Women presidencies in the stake, and we met in the high council room where there were a bunch of tables and chairs. I looked around and realized all the women had chosen to sit in the seats around the outskirts of the room and not at the tables. It wasn’t done deliberately, but it showed the mentality of women in the church. We don’t matter.

– Sarah

 

I hate that our culture has conditioned women to silence themselves. As secretary in a stake Primary presidency, I would become furious when we were discussing ideas and the president constantly said she’d have to discuss it with the stake president and see if it was ok. And it was never anything unusual and often unimportant details. What the hell?? But he’s the priesthood leader, and heaven forbid we don’t have his stamp of approval on every tiny thing.

– Anonymous

 

I was a counselor in a Relief Society presidency. I attended a Ward Council meeting when the president couldn’t go. I commented several times on items. That’s what I was there for, right? Word got passed to my husband that I was too opinionated. I ended up resigning from the position. This was at least twenty years ago.

– Anonymous

 

Pro tip: Women are culturally conditioned to defer to men. Help push against that conditioning by taking the initiative to invite women to speak in meetings and then listening. Encourage women to take up physical space in meetings and to make decisions for their auxiliary independently.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

Lesson Plan: Becoming a Shepherd by Bonnie H. Cordon

[image error]

Shepherds and Fishermen

Consider this conversation between Jesus Christ and two of his disciples, Peter and Andrew, when he first called them to ministry:

And Jesus, walking by the sea of Galilee, saw two brethren, Simon called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea: for they were fishers.

And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.

And they straightway left their nets, and followed him.  Matthew 4:18-20

Some time later, after Peter had served faithfully as a “fisher of men,” Jesus called him to a slightly different assignment, as a shepherd:

So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs.

He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.

He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep. John 21:15-17

Discuss:

How is a shepherd different from a fisherman?

In her October 2018 General Conference talk, Young Women General President Bonnie H. Cordon compared the new ministering program in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints  to Peter’s call to feed Christ’s sheep. Here are some of the ways she counseled us to become shepherds:

Shepherds are independent and proactive.

Hadn’t Peter already proven himself a loving follower of Christ? From their first encounter on the seashore, he ‘straightway’ left his fishing nets to follow the Savior. Peter became a true fisher of men. He accompanied the Savior during His personal ministry and helped teach others the gospel of Jesus Christ But now the resurrected Lord knew He would no longer be by Peter’s side, showing him how and when he should serve. In the Savior’s absence, Peter would need to seek guidance from the Spirit, receive revelation on his own, and then have the courage and faith to act. -Bonnie H. Cordon, Young Women General President

What are some ways the new ministering program requires us to be independent and proactive?
How can we independently and proactively minister to others, even without a ministering assignment?

As Young Women General President, President Cordon addressed the youth specifically with a call to be proactive:

Young women and young men, we need you! If you don’t have a ministering assignment, talk with your Relief Society or elders quorum president. -Bonnie H. Cordon, Young Women General President

Youth approaching adults to volunteer for assignments is very different from the usual process in our church, in which we wait passively for an assignment from a leader. However, President Cordon predicts that such proactivity from youth will be received well by adult leadership:

They will rejoice in your willingness to make certain His sheep are known and numbered, watched over, and gathered into the fold of God.”-Bonnie H. Cordon, Young Women General President

When we serve in leadership roles, how do we react to proactivity from youth and others?
How can we build confidence in youth and others so they feel comfortable interacting with adults in leadership?
How can we create a culture that celebrates proactivity instead of passivity?
As we serve with youth and others in ministering assignments, how can we ensure that they are valued as equal partners?

Shepherds serve individuals one-on-one.

As we strive to follow the Savior’s example, we must first know and number His sheep. We have been assigned specific individuals and families to tend so we are certain that all of the Lord’s flock are accounted for and no one is forgotten. Numbering, however, is not really about numbers; it is about making certain each person feels the love of the Savior through someone who serves for Him. In that way, all can recognize that they are known by a loving Father in Heaven. -Bonnie H. Cordon, Young Women General President

When Peter was a fisherman, he fished with nets, drawing up many fish at a time.  Likewise, as a fisher of men, he taught and converted multitudes. However, the work of shepherding is different.  Consider how Christ described a shepherd:

What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?

And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.

And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost. Luke 15:4-6

President Cordon suggested several ways we can focus on the individual as we minister to others:

I hope those to whom you minister will see you as a friend and realize that, in you, they have a champion and a confidant—someone who is aware of their circumstances and supports them in their hopes and aspirations.”-Bonnie H. Cordon, Young Women General President

What do you have to do to become someone’s champion or confidant?
Who has been a champion or confidant for you? What did they do?
How do we become aware of someone’s circumstances?
How do we support someone else’s hopes and aspirations?
Who has supported your hopes and aspirations?  What did they do?

Shepherds notice needs.

Christ described the kinds of acts of service that we should conduct as we minister:

Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in?  Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:37-40

President Cordon pointed out a key word in this scripture:

Brothers and sisters, the key word is saw. The righteous saw those in need because they were watching and noticing. -Bonnie H. Cordon, Young Women General President

President Cordon provided some examples of people who saw others’ needs, such as someone who realized that a woman needed glasses to read, and another who recognized that someone needed to talk about his spouse’s suicide attempt.

When has someone seen your needs and helped you?
How can we become more aware of the needs of others around us?

Guest Post: An Oncology Nurse’s Thoughts on Thanatology Theories Applied to Faith Transitions

[image error]

By Maureen Edgerly

Recently I have seen many resources geared towards people experiencing a faith crisis or navigating a path as they leave church activity. One blog stated that many people are experiencing the stages of grief during this process. I have an interest in death, dying and bereavement, so this caught my interest. You might say I am well acquainted with grief both personally and professionally. I am a registered nurse who has worked in the fields of oncology and HIV/AIDS for the past 35 years and have a master’s degree in thanatology (the study of death, dying and bereavement).

Theories exist to explain the experiences of dying people. Other theories explain the experiences of grief. These two processes are often used interchangeably but are actually separate processes. Both are applicable to the loss that a person might feel at various points on the journey of awakening to a more mature or nuanced understanding of their beliefs. My goal here is not to influence anyone towards activity or inactivity, but to explain the processes in the framework of thanatology theory and identify ways to help people who are, at times, suffering and isolated.

First, a few definitions, followed by explanations of the theories, then application.

Grief is the process of experiencing the psychological, behavioral, social and physical reactions to the perception of loss.

Mourning is the cultural and/or public display of grief through one’s behaviors.

Bereavement is the state of having suffered a loss.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, published her seminal book, On Death and Dying in 1969 based on the analysis of interviews with dying persons. In it she identified similar stages that a dying person might experience during the months/weeks prior to their death.

These stages are familiar to many of us:

• Denial and Isolation

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

There are multiple theories to explain the grief process following a death, including those by Freud, Fenichel, Sullivan, Pollack, Bowlby, Engel, Parkes, Worden, Sanders and others. The theories that resonate the most with me are Catherine M. Sanders’ integrative theory of bereavement, in Grief, The Mourning After and William Worden’s tasks of mourning in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.

Sanders’ theory identities 5 phases of grief:

• Shock

• Awareness

• Conservation and the need to withdraw

• Healing

• Renewal

Worden identifies four tasks a person must complete for successful grieving:

• Accept the reality of the loss

• Work through the pain of grief

• Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing

• Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life

The tasks are actions that fit within the framework of phases.

The following is an application of these theories to active believers:

People encounter new, sometimes troubling information. People have life experiences that are incongruent with current teaching. Some people do not enjoy the temple experience. They might try to talk about it with family, friends, even their Bishop, Temple President or church leader. Responses to questions include: “Where are you getting your information from?” “You have to be careful what you are reading.” “I don’t worry about that stuff, it doesn’t affect me.” “There are no specific answers about the temple. It’s not that we are withholding information; there isn’t a specific answer to your question.” “You have to pray about it.”

Not finding someone to discuss matters with, the person feels isolation. They may question themselves. Often the quest for answers continues, along with more information. Anger may set in when the person realizes the narrative they have been taught, the narrative they themselves have believed and taught others, is not completely true or fully presented. They feel anger at the organization and at themselves.

The person might try to double-down on righteousness by praying more earnestly, studying scriptures, fasting more and longer or becoming a temple-ordinance worker. This is a type of bargaining in a quid pro quo to get more information that will explain it all.

As the months turn into years, depression and further isolation ensue. (Here, I do not pretend to be a psychologist, but use the term depression as description, not a clinical diagnosis.) Others notice the change in affect and begin to question or reach out to this person. If they choose to share their concerns they might be met with further judgement or perhaps with a person who is willing to “go there with them.” Finding such a person is like a life-preserver when adrift. Someone who will listen, without judgement, even when they are not aware of all the concerns, offers support and comfort to the isolated. Being able to sound out, talk through, think aloud and express emotions including anger can be therapeutic.

Alas, when the wrestle is complete, a decision is reached to stay or go. To stay, with eyes open, aware of the complexities and dissonance within yourself; or to go, knowing you have thought and prayed through the wrestle and come to the best decision for yourself. Acceptance of the decision may come quickly or slowly or may not come at all. Some may stay in a state of half in/half out unable to reach a conclusion. The analogy of staying in a marriage after a traumatic destabilizing event is similar—stay and make it work, divorce, or stay and be unhappy.

Let’s now apply the phases and tasks of grief to a person that decides to leave activity, either formally or by no longer attending or participating.

The initial relief of having made a decision may be replaced by shock at the changes the decision brings. The shock can manifest as confusion, disappointment at other’s reactions, preoccupation with church despite no longer being active, regression into oneself, and further isolation. Shock will lead to gradual awareness of the reality of loss of membership or activity. The reality of no longer participating in services and activities with your family and friends; the awkwardness of conversations and interactions with family, friends and ward members. Doubt may creep in or the confirmation that the right decision was made.

The task at this point is to accept the reality of the loss and then experience and work through the pain. All decisions have consequences. Acknowledging what you are experiencing and discussing it with others sometimes helps. Having people that love you no-matter-what helps.

Recent interviews with Sam Young, excommunicated in September, are relevant examples of these initial phases. Although Mr. Young did not leave on his own, his actions led to a church disciplinary action. The resulting emotions and experiences are applicable to this discussion. I’ve listened to several of his post-excommunication interviews and recommend “A Thoughtful Faith” podcast interview by Gina Colvin posted October 10, 2018. The experience of being excommunicated is obviously different than voluntarily leaving the church, but there is something to learn from Mr. Young’s experience that is relevant to this discussion. Because he is a public figure, his story and interviews are accessible.

The next phase is conservation and the need to withdraw.

Once a decision is made, the energy expended in that effort can leave the person fatigued—mentally and/or physically. They may withdraw, for example by having a low profile on social media, or skipping family or social activities. They may have no desire or stamina to talk to people. They may not want to talk about “it” anymore so would rather avoid interactions rather than steer around conversations. This is a protective mechanism for one’s mental health.

At this time, when the person is withdrawn, social support is needed but not always accepted. It is not always offered in a way that is acceptable, without judgement. It is a tender time of transition.

According to Sanders, the person reaches a turning point when a decision can be made. The decision is to move ahead with life, stay stuck in their grief, or give up and die. Keep in mind this is a theory about grief following a death. Regarding a faith transition it applies when a person decides to move on with their life or perhaps stay in a withdrawn state of unhappiness or despair.

The tasks, identified by Worden, are to adjust to the environment in which the deceased is missing and emotionally relocate the deceased. Applying this to faith transition could mean finding other ways to experience spirituality, finding activities for Sunday that fill that time gap if needed, identify other areas of common interest with family and friends. Emotionally relocating the past experiences can be a positive experience. For example, if a person served a mission, the mission plaque, journals, planners and memorabilia can be stored for later perusal. Advancement records, seminary graduation diplomas, Young Women medallions and other such items can be stored as well.

Healing and renewal begins as the person assumes control for their decisions and forms a new identity. New energy and hope emerges. The person may feel less frustration with the past and be focused on the future self. This is observable by others. At this point the person is able to reach out to others, helping others. Their social profile reemerges in a happier, more confident version of themselves.

In grief following death, there are variations in the experience such as complicated grief reactions and disenfranchised grief to name a few. So it is with faith transitions. Each transition is different just as each person is different.

The bottom line is–how do we help people who are in a faith crisis or transition?

• Be a friend, willing to listen without judgement.

• Recognize that the issues that brought on the crisis are real, relevant and problematic.

• Acknowledge the person is struggling and in pain; the decision is not made lightly.

• Consider exploring the issues with them, one at a time.

• Accompany them to meetings with their Bishop or others, if asked.

• Keep their confidence.

• Continue the friendship and support regardless of the decision.

• Don’t be afraid to talk about the past times (like the mission or seminary class or youth activities or meaningful lessons in RS that you shared).

• Remember that faith in Jesus Christ is not measured by activity at church.

• Remember the 11th Article of Faith and allow all people to worship how they may.

I hope this explanation of thanatology theories enhances your personal journey with those experiencing faith crisis or transition. The ideas presented here are my own, based on my observations and personal experiences. I went through it the first time in the ‘80s as an adult convert from Catholicism. Right now I’m bargaining.

 

Maureen Edgerly lives in Maryland with her husband. She enjoys spending time with her family, knitting, reading, contemplating, and vacationing in Ocean City. She works in adult oncology clinical trials.

#hearLDSwomen: Discouraged From Broadcast Journalism at BYU Because of Gender

[image error]I went to BYU and was majoring in broadcast journalism. It was 1996. When I was interviewed by the head of the department, he asked what I wanted to do as a career. When I said reporter, he told me that wasn’t a very good job for a woman. Especially if I wanted a family. He said I could miss out on important family occasions if I had to, say, go out on a breaking news story. I was too shocked and disgusted at the time to say anything. Pretty sure they didn’t tell the men that.

– Lauren Granat LaClare

 

I was thinking about broadcast journalism when I started at BYU and went to an on-campus intro. It was in an auditorium with a big group of freshmen there to learn about broadcast journalism in 2003. The presenters for the department, probably a mix of a couple teachers and assistants, said it was a career that wouldn’t work if you wanted to be a mom: you’d be gone in the mornings or evenings or have to leave at a moment’s notice. I felt all guilty, like I was choosing between the world and what God wanted me to do, so I ended up only considering the obvious backup plans that can work for a mom: teaching and nursing. I have major regrets for not believing I could do anything and pursuing something I felt passionate about.

– Katie

 

Pro tip: Not all women will become mothers. Those who do can manage a career and motherhood, if they choose to. Putting systemic blocks in the way of entire professions, assuming all women will be stay at home mothers, is sexist and unfair.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

 

Photo by David Boca on Unsplash

Guest Post: “Also Not Inclined to Take Any Action”

[image error]

By LMA

In September, the non-profit organization MormonLeaks released a document created by the law firm that represents our Church in many of its legal cases. The document detailed seven cases of sexual abuse the firm was responsible for in the year 2012.

One of the cases detailed a missionary that in their words was “accused” of sexually abusing an eight-year-old child in their mission area outside of the United States. The document detailed the current legal outcome of the issue. In addition to no note indicating the authorities were contacted, the law firm specified the disciplinary council in the mission decided “no action would be taken” and that the missionary’s home stake president was “also not inclined to take any action.” They further specified, “leaders were working with the victim’s family.” Despite indicating the missionary had been “accused” of the sexual abuse, their use of the term “victim” indicates the missionary did sexually abuse this child. We do not know if the eight-year-old child referred to was female, but we do know it was a male missionary. Even more tragic is that not one, but two, church disciplinary bodies with authority to carry out spiritual consequences actively chose not to take action on this child’s behalf.

The lack of basic care and compassion displayed by these statements is both stunning and tragic. I started to cry in the Target parking lot when I read it.

“Also not inclined to take any action.”

When will anyone in a position of spiritual authority be inclined to take any action?

As an institution that so frequently defines itself as being an institution that literally and symbolically represents Jesus Christ, it is despicable to assume it does not have legal, moral, and ethical responsibility to hold those accountable who perpetuate these abuses within the context of our faith. Any Church member who chooses to harm, abuse, or traumatize another person in any form or place should not be in good standing in the Church, period. Any Church member who chooses to harm, abuse, or traumatize another person should experience tangible, accountability-driven spiritual consequences (e.g., not being allowed to have the priesthood) and pragmatic consequences (e.g., not allowing the perpetrator to be near the victim at Church) that reflect the seriousness of these crimes, and communicate care and support and safety for victims, not those who victimize. 

I teach child development classes to university students. This semester, I am teaching an all-female class on contemporary issues in the family unit. In our class, we discussed the construct of emotional labor (i.e., gendered expressions of what women and those who identify as feminine are expected to do, almost always without pay or recognition, and commonly on behalf of boys and men). The research in this area demonstrates young girls (but not boys) are taught from a very early age to be responsible for household and caregiving tasks as their mothers manage multiple demands (e.g., career, household work, managing childcare). This is even more often the case in families that experience economic difficulties. In these circumstances, eldest daughters are often forced to take on essential household and family roles they are not developmentally ready for, often at the risk of their own emotional, social, and educational opportunities and needs.

In our society and in our faith, we teach young girls and other vulnerable people (e.g., LGTBQ+ people) from a very young age that they are responsible to perform extensive emotional labor on behalf of others. They are taught to do labor that is not required of their brothers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers, and priesthood leaders. We teach them they must be good and clean and helpful while managing this labor. I could just cry thinking about how sad and not okay this is.

I have so many questions:

When will this stop?

When will men and others who violate the trust and innocence of children, women, and vulnerable people be accountable?

When will anyone with the power to make real changes in our Church be inclined to take any action?

When will we stop forcing girls, women, and other vulnerable people to take on the emotional labor of managing trauma perpetuated on them by others?

I cannot communicate how distressing this is. I have cried and cried and cried and spent so much time trying to understand how this could happen, and what can make it stop. Many of the men I have seen who hurt others in the name of “priesthood” and being a “man” have not spent one second of their lives doing this. As a result, I do not have a great deal of faith in the patriarchal institution our Church continues to support and enable. I have experienced different forms of these abuses in my own life, and documents such as this re-traumatize and reinforce over and over and over that those we are in intimate contact with will not keep us safe, including in many cases, our faith.

At this point, men who have not directly seen abuse or trauma happen to others are still complicit in these unspeakable acts. I understand many men are enacting behaviors and ideas of masculinity and priesthood that they were taught. However, regardless of the source of these behaviors and ideas, it is time for men in our faith—both institutional leaders and lay members—to take ownership for these wrongs and to be active participants in listening to women and children and other vulnerable people who are affected by the damning and damaging patriarchy so many in our faith live under.

In this profound pain, I do have faith in women and sisterhood and the ways women have and will protect each other, especially when no one else will. Heavenly Mother, our earthly mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, friends, mentors, even social media followers—we all belong to each other, and we will all work to keep each other safe.

I keep reminding myself of this lovely poem by Nikita Gill:

Secret Language

We have always felt so unsafe in this world

Like soldiers, always on the alert

A secret language between us women

Are you safe?

Have you reached home?

Did anyone follow you?

Because we have come to understand

that no one else is going to protect us but each other.

And this bond of sisterhood is so sacred

I hope it one day destroys

the idea that women are competition for each other.

Instead enforces

how much

we belong in

our fierceness for each other.

 

LMA is PhD-holding boss lady that teaches child development to university students. She cares deeply about issues that affect women inside and outside of our Church.

#hearLDSwomen: My Bishop Said My Christmas Program Was “Icky.”

[image error]

By Lisa

I wrote a Christmas program for my ward when we lived in Ithaca, New York. It was spirit-filled and a fresh take on a familiar story. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive: everyone loved it and was appreciative of it.

Later, I moved to Atlanta, Georgia. Christmas was around the corner and a program was needed. So I submitted my Christmas program to my new Bishop. Weeks went by and I got no feedback. One day after church, I approached the Bishop coming out of his office. He was obviously uncomfortable with my follow up. He didn’t want to be stopped or questioned; I almost had to jog to keep up with him while he walked down the hall.

He told me that he didn’t like my program. When I asked him to please be specific, he said that it was just “icky.” He said it gave him the “heebie-jeebies.” I was mystified and asked him what gave him that reaction. He then told me that when I described us as a “people, pregnant, along with Mary, anticipating the birth of the Christ child,” he just thought that was “icky.” And he shook his head and shoulders and soured his face for emphasis.

And he walked away, leaving me standing there, watching his back. No apology. No thank you for submitting a program or trying to help. It didn’t matter if anyone else was moved by that specific imagery, or if the rest of the program was acceptable anyone else. There was no talk of editing. He didn’t like it and there would be no further discussion. His word was law.

Lisa is a writer, reader, traveler, mystic, seeker of truth and beauty, empty nester.

 

Pro-tip: Express appreciation for women’s contributions in the church. Treat them with dignity and respect when giving them feedback about their ideas and offerings to the community.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

#hearLDSwomen: Lack of Autonomy in Callings Hurts Women and Children

[image error]I live in a ward that doesn’t have quite enough strong members to go around for all the callings. Serving in the Primary presidency, it became abundantly clear that women and children were at the bottom of the priorities heap.

We had a primary of 120 kids (including the nursery) and needed A LOT of teachers, yet we would be turned down for 80-90% of our calling requests. At one time, the president was desperate and submitted 10 names for one calling that we really needed to be filled and every one was rejected with no suggestions.

Meanwhile, the Young Women/Young Men programs were fully staffed with all the best people despite the fact that we only had four young women in that ward. There were seven leaders (full presidency + three advisers, not to mention the seasonal camp director) for four girls. There was a Mia Maid adviser who attended Young Women every week, even though there were zero Mia Maids and no one turning 14 for months! (No exaggeration.) We even asked for that adviser to fill a calling and were told “no.”

In addition to the continual rejection, the bishopric member over primary consistently took 1-2 months to extend approved callings. One Sunday, the Primary 2nd counselor was desperate to have some callings filled and told the bishopric member to go talk to people who were there in Sunday School that day. He did not like that and called her names.

After two years, we were all anxious to be released. When we were, the bishopric told the new Primary presidency that they couldn’t use any of us in any Primary callings.

– Anonymous

 

Pro Tip: Due to the way the church is structured, women who accept leadership callings are reliant on their priesthood leaders for staffing and approval. If it is logistically impossible to offer autonomy to women to fulfill their callings, please remember what Jesus taught in Matthew 25:40: “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me”.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)