Exponent II's Blog, page 235

#hearLDSWomen: Using Scripture to Manipulate/Coerce Others

[image error]A high councilman assigned to work with me on a stake calling wanted me to launch a class we were working on together before it was ready. Feeling frustrated because I wouldn’t just start the course before it was ready, the high councilman used scripture to try to manipulate me into going against my better judgment: “You know, sister, the children of Israel didn’t want to cross the river Jordan, either, because they didn’t believe it was safe, but when they listened to their leader and put their foot into the waters, they found that they easily parted for them. I promise that if you just go ahead and get started and follow the counsel of your leaders, that waters will part for you and things will work out.”

This reminded me of my days as a missionary, when the MTC taught us to use a strategy called “The Commitment Pattern,” which also used scripture and emotional manipulation to coerce people into making commitments to pay tithing, obey the word of wisdom, live the law of chastity, and hopefully join the church. Many of us sister missionaries disagreed with this style of teaching and preferred to simply invite the people that we taught to simply live their lives and make changes/improvements according to the promptings they received and not any coercion on our part, because the church’s Commitment Pattern felt like used car salesman tactics. (Indeed, widespread mastery of the Commitment Pattern among our Mormon populace is credited for the rise of multi-level marketing companies, pest control sales companies, and other traveling sales companies along the Utah corridor—it has nothing to do with spirit-based teaching and everything to do with convincing people to make decisions at the behest of the salesman.) Even today, Preach My Gospel teaches missionaries a more subtle version of this—based more strongly in emotional manipulation via claims to feeling the spirit than a pattern–while the seminary program teaches “The Learning Pattern” which is almost identical to it.

Since learning the Commitment Pattern as a missionary, I’ve recognized countless times that leaders have used scripture to try to violate my agency—to try to convince me to do things I wasn’t comfortable doing in my calling or in my family/home/life. My husband, for example, while trying to finish his degree, needed to enroll in night school and it took him away from his YM calling, so he asked to be released, but church leaders used scripture to try to counsel him to choose the church over his schooling. My poor husband was so distraught that he asked for a blessing, and in the blessing he was likewise told to put church first and he would be blessed. But I told him to stand his ground and put supporting his family first—that he was being manipulated by men who had spent months unable to find anybody to serve in the young men’s program. My poor husband had been desperate to finish school because our growing family was in need of the extra income that his career would provide, so it was time for him to stop listening to the men at church and start reading scripture and receiving his own counsel from God. The way those leaders used scripture to manipulate my husband for their own self-interest was shameful. In the mission field, we had a term for people who use scripture to advance an agenda, rather than testifying of Christ: Bible Bashers. Mormons typically used this term when referring to Jehovah’s Witnesses, but I believe it refers equally to LDS leaders who use scripture to try to rob our members of their God-given agency to make decisions for themselves.

— Anonymous

 

Pro tip: Listen sensitively to women when they share their insights and feelings about how to best move forward with their callings or church projects. Don’t pull priesthood rank and manipulate women to proceed when they are not ready to. Don’t use scripture to coerce women (and men) to do things they are uncomfortable doing.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

#hearLDSwomen: My Face Drives Away the Spirit

[image error]Going through the temple the first time was overwhelming to say the very least. The fact that I had to veil my face to talk to Heavenly Father in prayer was a total knock to me as a woman. The men didn’t have to veil their faces. And the fact that I needed to hearken to my husband’s counsel but he was not required or asked to hearken to mine? The equally yoked bit flew right out the window at that point.

Where is my Mother in Heaven? Why isn’t she represented with God the Father at the altar or anywhere else in the temple endowment? Where is her voice? Her counsel? Can’t we make covenants with her?

Can I please have a conversation with her? Maybe I will feel like I fit in better with her.

The temple is full of things to cause a woman to feel less important or less intelligent or less needed.

– Anonymous

 

On my mission, the Washington, DC temple president told me women wear the veil because their sexual power over men is too distracting and deters the spirit during the prayer circle. It happened in 1997 I think. And for the record, even back then, I was certain he was wrong and didn’t understand it any more than I did. Regardless of his position and “authority.”

– Betina Workman

 

I waited for THREE HOURS after a session to talk to the temple president about some questions, and he told me: “You need to cover your face because it distracts the brethren and the spirit, and we can’t have that now can we? You’re just so pretty; it’s a blessing and a curse.” I was genuinely speechless. I was told this same thing in the Provo, Salt Lake, and Bountiful Temples in 2013, 2016, and 2017.

– Marissa

 

Pro tip: It’s better not to espouse folk doctrine when we don’t have an answer. Simply say, “We don’t know why this direction is given,” and encourage the questioner to find answers, peace and comfort through prayer.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

Relief Society Lesson Plan: The Joy of Unselfish Service by Cristina B. Franco

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Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

I have been reluctant to post this lesson help because I have chosen President Cristina B. Franco’s talk at the last General Conference called, “The Joy of Unselfish Service” and I begin by turning the concept of selfishness on its head. When I first read the title I thought, “I can’t think of a single woman who I know well in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints giving service for a selfish purpose.”

“Misguided?” Perhaps…

I believe that as sisters in Zion, we are coming from a place of good intentions and work hard to eschew selfishness and pride. However, at this point in my life, I need more help in making sure I take care of myself before I consider taking care of others. I am learning that this is not selfish or prideful. The time-worn adage about putting on your oxygen mask before putting others’ on in an airplane applies here.**

President Franco says in her talk, “Unfortunately…we live in a selfish world where people constantly ask, ‘What’s in it for me?’ instead of asking, ‘Whom can I help today?’ or ‘How can I better serve the Lord in my calling?’ or ‘Am I giving my all to the Lord?'”

I don’t think anyone intends for this to happen. But, it is worth thinking these emotions may arise inadvertently. Here are some of my thoughts (questions for the class are written in italics):

Perfectly Hidden Depression

I want to talk about this first, admittingly, because this is something I have struggled with my whole life. Two years ago, I walked into my marriage therapist’s office after a long conversation with my husband. We agreed that I was battling depression again. We told our therapist, and she said, “Are you sure?”

At the time, it was crushing. It had taken everything I had to admit that I was going downhill. Looking back now, I can see why it was confusing for her. I had three children in school, two callings in Church, a full-time job that had me covering six states, a “hobby” of Mormon feminism, and a rich life full of friends. I should have felt so much joy and so fulfilled. I got up to run at 5:30 am and powered through my day, not just showering (which would become a major accomplishment in 2017), but flying to other states, giving presentations, managing many things that were lovely and of good report.

Until I crashed. My clinical depression is a type that I think might be common for Mormon women (I’d love to hear your thoughts whether you agree or disagree), which is why I bring it up here. Dr. Margaret Rutherford calls this, “Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD),” and defines it here, “Doing all things to the best of your ability, all the time, every day. Pushing yourself to the limit. Putting others before yourself, always, believing that a focus on self is selfish. Living very deliberately, getting things done, accomplishing the seemingly impossible.”

A few characteristics of PHD include characteristics we prize as a culture in the Church for women, like a heightened sense of responsibility, a strong belief in counting our blessings, and an intense focus on tasks and using the accomplishment of those tasks to feel valuable.

Are these characteristics inherently problematic? How can they be helpful and motivating?

How can they be problematic when relating to service?

Have you struggled with this either at the extreme level of depression or just in terms of those bad days when we all have with feelings like these?

How do you take care of yourself so you can take care of others when this happens?

Helping the Time Sinks or Service with a Smile

The reality is that service isn’t always going to be for those we love. Sometimes, we serve, and we learn to love. Many of us have a “should-I-laugh-or-cry” story of visiting teaching. Mine was visiting a lovely and very mentally-ill sister in the psychiatric ward after a long night with the police.

I believe, when we are mentally healthy and in a good position to assist, these experiences truly build the Kingdom of God. Heather writes about her experience in this post, “Service with a Smile.” This post would be a great story to tell to begin a frank conversation about loving and giving service to the difficult-to-love.

“It’s at this point that I start to get really resentful of Sister Leech. This is not a friend in need, this is a nut job slob using me just like she uses everybody in her path. ‘Why on earth am I doing this?’ I asked myself. Honestly, I know that if I hadn’t volunteered, some other, most likely kinder person would have been roped in. I imagined her visiting teacher who is so good to her, having to leave her 4 kids to come over and do this. I thought of all the woman in all the wards who had served this woman and thought, ‘I’m taking one for the Relief Society.’ Okay. I can live with that.”

Heather’s post continues in this vein, and I don’t want to spoil the ending, but it melds perfectly with President Franco quoting President Monson in her talk, “In reality, you can never love the Lord until you serve Him by serving His people.”

Do you have a similar story?

How did you learn and grow?

The “Right” Kind of Service

I love the new ministry program. I love the idea of expanding how we love and serve each other. Sometimes, we have a preconceived definition of what service “should” look like and worry about how we appear if we do something other than bringing a meal or cleaning a yard. It is important to not judge ourselves or other people and how we feel inspired to minister or give service.

April Young Bennett writes about that in this post, “You Don’t Do Any Service.”  She lists some assumption that we sometimes make about service.

Service benefits people outside your own household. Serving your own family doesn’t count.
Service is unpaid. No matter how much good I am doing for my community and the universe at large at my workplace, that’s not service.
Service is always time-consuming, usually arduous and probably unpleasant.
Although service may be unpleasant, giving service is spiritually fulfilling and necessary to be happy.

How do these assumptions limit our ability to serve?

How can they contribute to consciously or unconsciously feeling selfish or resentful when we give service?

Spunky provides an excellent and unconventional example of giving service in an old Visiting Teaching lesson post, “Special Needs and Service Rendered.” She shows the tenets we have been taught as we prepare for ministry when she writes, “Service does not need to be political or perfect; it just needs to be service … you never know what small acts really make all the world of difference to others. So give yourself credit for those little things, because every act of service is sacred and meets a special need. And don’t let anyone take the spirit from you, no matter their title.”

President Franco adds to the beauty of this message here, “What will matter is that we came with a desire to serve, that we noticed those to whom we minister and greeted them joyfully, and that we introduced ourselves to those sharing our row of folding chairs—reaching out with friendship even though we aren’t assigned to minister to them. And it will certainly matter that we do all that we do with the special ingredient of service coupled with love and sacrifice.”

Christ as Our Example

Always, we can turn to the Savior as our guide for how to give service. Em’s Young Women’s lesson, “How Can I Be More Christlike in My Service to Others” is excellent at illustrating this, particularly her section focusing on how Christ served everyone. She provides key examples that can help your class think of those who we can serve today.

The Atonement is the ultimate example of his universal and collective act of service. However, it is also easy to pull examples of the diversity of the people he served.

As you read examples, write categories on the board and brainstorm modern equivalents the girls might encounter, and how they might serve.

These included:

Outcasts – The woman taken in adultery or lepers. (John 8:3) (Luke 17:12-16)

Are there fellow students at school who are not included? Who might face rejection or persecution?


Powerful people – Jesus healed the servant of the centurion. (Matt 8:5-13)

How can girls be of service to authority figures?


His family – He turned water into wine as a service to his mother (John 2:1-11)

How can you serve your family members?


His friends – He saved Peter from drowning (Matt 14:22-33)
Young people – Jesus healed the boy whose seizures caused him to fall into the fire and the water. (Mark 9:23)
Older people – Most of his miracles were performed to help adults.
People with obvious problems – Lepers had visible legions and were also required to alert others to their presence. (Luke 17:12-16)
People whose problems were not obvious – Jesus knew the heart and history of the woman at the well (John 4)

Who are we not serving?

How can we serve them without hurting them or ourselves?

Christ is perfect and knows how to show love and care that we may always have perfectly. Sometimes, service given with the wrong intention can be more harmful than no service at all.

Helping without Hurting

During my prolonged depressive episode, my family and I were the recipients of the most beautiful and heartfelt service. We also were the recipients of service that hurt. We may have been the recipients of service that hurt the giver.

How do we give service that enriches both the giver and the recipient?

Why is it important that the service enriches both?

How have you learned how to do this?

“Seven Things to Remember When You are Helping Others” is a post that I rely on since I found it as I look at giving service. Consider going over these seven points in class and expanding the reasoning behind them as a way to close the lesson.

Help within your means
Help at the right time and context
How you help other matters
Realize that sometimes people don’t need to be helped
Examine your intention of helping
There are many ways to help others
Leave your expectations at the door

We are often so focused on the Who and How of ministering and serving, but I think the key to giving service unselfishly is examining my intention in the Why of my actions. I love how President Franco ends her talk with this, “I have come to know that we don’t have to make a chocolate cake to be a successful or dedicated Primary teacher, because it was not about the cake. It was the love behind the action.”

End with your testimony.

**However, approaching the lesson in this way may not meet your class’ needs. If, after prayerful consideration and thought, this doesn’t feel like a good approach to you, we have a wealth of excellent lesson helps in our Relief Society archive, including, this lesson by Caroline based the President Gordon Hinckley manual lesson, “Losing Ourselves in the Service of Others.”

Mourn with those who mourn

[image error]Today on November 11 we will mark Veteran’s day in the United States. Other countries observe the same event as Remembrance Day or Armistice day.  November 11 is significant because it was the day that the armistice ending hostilities on the Western Front in World War I was signed. This year it is particularly significant because, of course, it marks one hundred years since the end of what was then known as the Great War, or the War to End all Wars.

The Great War resulted in unimaginable suffering.  There were over 16 million people who died as a direct result of the fighting.  If you include civilian casualties caused by dearth, disease and the Armenian Genocide the death toll reaches nearly 37 million people.  Millions of the dead were so destroyed they could not be identified, which gave rise to the movement to establish a single Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, containing one unidentified body as a monument of remembrance for the millions of families who had no site to visit.

The devastation of an entire generation of young men in Europe was such that mourning and bereavement was an all but universal experience. Remembering and honoring the centenary of the end of World War I has brought to my mind the qualifications that Alma gave for those who are “desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people.”  If we want to be the people of God, we are to “bear one another’s burdens that they may be light; … and mourn with those that mourn . . . and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”

When we mourn with someone, we take their perspective and recognize it as truth.  When Jesus came to Mary and Martha after Lazarus died, he mourned with them: “Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled.”[1]  The Savior knew that he would raise Lazarus.  He knew that their deep grief was not necessary and would shortly disappear. But he didn’t say that to them. He didn’t deny the validity of their sorrow or brush it aside as misplaced.  Instead “he groaned in spirit and was troubled.”

It can be difficult to be willing to access our own pain to truly empathize with someone else. It is all the more difficult when we fundamentally don’t agree with the other person.  This can be especially difficult within the church when we encounter someone who is suffering because of the Church.  Some disagree with church teachings or leaders.  Others feel they can’t measure up to church teachings or standards. Sometimes people have felt wounded by other church members.

Our baptismal covenants tell us that we must mourn with those who mourn, but also that we must stand for truth and righteousness. How do you reconcile those two? Recently, a friend asked me for advice.  She had a friend who had posted something angry about a speaker in General Conference on social media.  She wondered what I thought about how she should respond. She felt like she had to choose between mourning and standing for truth, because she did not agree with the Facebook post, but she also don’t want to reject her friend’s suffering.

I told my friend that the scriptures do not call upon us to agree with those who mourn and stand in need of comfort.  You can validate someone’s pain without saying “you’re absolutely right.”  When someone says they’re unhappy with the church, you can say one of the following: “You’re hurting, and I hate to see you in pain.”  “I can tell that this bothers you, and I’m here to support you.” “I’m sorry that Conference was such a hard experience for you.  Do you want to talk about it?” “I’m so glad you felt like you could talk to me.  I appreciate your trust and I love you.” The spirit may prompt you to testify, but often in such moments trying to convince someone that they are wrong is not an effective way to heal their broken heart.

The physical conditions of the Western Front in the First World War were notoriously horrific.  It was not the glorious battle filled with heroic charges on prancing stallions that many had imagined.  It demanded a different kind of courage – the will to endure inhumane living conditions under constant fear of death from machine guns, artillery fire and poison gas.

C.S. Lewis had this to say about courage: “[Conflict] is probably one of [God’s] motives for creating a dangerous world – a world in which moral issues really come to the point.  He sees as well as [Satan] does that courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means, at the point of highest reality.  A chastity or honesty or mercy which yields to danger will be chaste or honest or merciful only on conditions.  Pilate was merciful till it became risky.”

Most of us are not called to face physical privation and danger in this life as soldiers in the First World War had to.  But all of us are expected to have the courage to be charitable, and merciful and compassionate even when the temptation to hatred, bigotry and fear is very strong.  Embracing empathy for your friends requires sacrifice and can be challenging, but the higher law requires us to mourn with and comfort our enemies, and strangers.  Can we seek to empathize with and care about the fears of those who don’t share our political opinions? Do we care about the plight of the immigrant? Do black lives matter? Is there a link between anti-Semitic words and hateful deeds?  In such times, there should be no conflict between compassion and standing for truth and righteousness.  They are one and the same.

I want to close by returning to my reflections on the First World War.  Käthe Kollwitz was a German artist whose younger son Peter was killed in battle in October 1914, at the beginning of the war.  She became deeply depressed and spent the war sketching drawings for a monument to Peter and his fallen comrades.  She wrote in her diary, addressing her dead son, “I want to honor the death of all of you young war-time volunteers embodied in yourform.  It will be cast in iron or bronze and stand for centuries.”  The monument, as it was then conceived, was a monument to German rightness – to the goodness and bravery of Germany’s youth flocking to volunteer, as her son did, to fight for the cause.  Doubtless at the time they would have seen their actions as fitting with the injunction to “stand for truth and righteousness.”

But that is not the monument that Kathe ultimately made. She did not complete her sculpture until the mid-1920s, nine years after her son had died.  She tore up her original drawings and started fresh.  The sculpture does not depict a soldier at all – it is called The Grieving Parentsand it consists of a mother and father, each on a separate plinth with a space between them. Both figures are kneeling, eyes downward, hugging themselves.  It was placed in the Belgian cemetery where her son’s remains were – on what had been the enemy’s land, with a cemetery now filled with boys from both sides of the conflict.  When it rained, the drops poured down the cheeks of the grieving parents like tears, and visitors could stand between the two figures – quite literally mourning with those who mourn.  It stands as one of the most beautiful and enduring monuments to the suffering of the war, and it exists because ultimately Kathe Kollwitz focused not on the glorious sacrifice of her cause and how right the Germans had been, but on the universality of suffering and loss.

 

See: Moorjani, Angela. “Käthe Kollwitz on Sacrifice, Mourning, and Reparation: An Essay in Psychoaesthetics.” MLN 101, no. 5 (1986): 1110-134

#hearLDSwomen: My Leaders Don’t Understand the Reality of Childcare

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Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash

Our ward was planning a several-weeks-long parenting/spousal relations class for the young families in our area. During our ward council planning session, I, the (childless and single) Young Women president, suggested to the group that it would be a good idea to provide childcare for parents so it would be easier for them to attend the weekly seminars. I proposed several ways the childcare could work, including having Young Women (or Young Women and Young Men) sign up to staff a nursery at the building so resources wouldn’t be spread thin and carpools could be arranged to meet the sitters’ needs as well.

The Elder’s Quorum president said there was no reason to provide childcare because “everyone already has weekly babysitters anyway.” When I explained that the people who need the classes the most were likely the ones who don’t have regular “date night” babysitters and that the teenagers could really be providing a useful service for the families in the ward, the men let me have my say and then decided it was too hard/too much work to provide the parenting class and offer childcare for families.

This, even though I was right. there. in. the. room. offering to head up the childcare coordination, and they wouldn’t have to do anything more than make the announcement that childcare would be available during the sessions for those who needed it.

– Laura C

 

In ward council, another woman and I raised the challenge of having a weekday Relief Society meeting the day after ward temple night. The MEN in the room decided it was as easy as having your husband watch the kids, so it was only one night of babysitting arrangements. I argued that it doesn’t always work like that. Some husbands aren’t home, some resent parenting their kids, and some women don’t have husbands. I was overruled.

– Anonymous

 

Pro tip: When those responsible for their children’s care ask for acknowledgement of their needs, put aside your assumptions and listen. Allow them to make the arrangements they need for activities.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

newlY born

hello, worlD-

I can never be walking porn

Not when I run or dance or play.

Not when I bow or tiptoe or pray.

Not if I bat inviting eyes

or high-kick a lacy straddle in some back room

or evangelize.

Not if I slouch under miskempt hair

Or veil my locks in fervent prayer.

No matter how sequined the sashay

Or how droopy the lacy chassé

Not in front of a lens

under lights or air or men.

Not if I’m bent or crooked or straight

Not if I strip or traipse on a stage

Not if I amble or plod or strut

Not if I moan or wail or sigh

Not if I march or yell or cry

Not from behind or above or the side.

No matter the bounce or the curve or the light.

…

hello, worlD-

A breathing, growing silence, who; is: somEoNe.

 

 

PC: j.e. mcgowan photo here

#hearLDSwomen: My Bishop Disregarded My Answer from God

[image error]As a 23-year-old grad student, I asked a bishop about receiving my endowment. He laughed.

He apologized and explained that he was laughing because of the timing: the stake president had just told them that 23 was too young for single women not going on missions to receive their endowment.

It still stung.

The story actually gets worse. At that point I was just asking in a general sense. A year and a half later, at age 24.5, I prayed and got a clear answer that it was time. I’d wanted to receive my endowment since I was 18 and had regularly prayed about it for six and a half years. This was the first time I’d received that answer.

I knew about the First Presidency letter stating that single women not going on missions shouldn’t receive their endowment until at least their “mid-twenties,” but I figured 24 was safely in that range and went in to meet with my bishop. He told me point-blank that the stake president had a rule that no women younger than 25 could receive their endowment unless they were getting married or going on a mission. It almost crushed my testimony: I had prayed for six and a half years to receive this personal revelation, but the bishop and stake president couldn’t be troubled to pray for six seconds.

Meanwhile, a new bishop/stake president had been called in my previous ward/stake, and I later learned that they were approving women as young as 22 and 23 to receive their endowment when they graduated college. Really opened my eyes to leadership roulette.

– Rachel

 

Pro tip: Put people before policy. Treat other people’s revelatory experiences with respect.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

Ideas to Work Toward Ending Violence Against Women

Christine Blasey Ford. McKenna Denson. Colbie Holderness and Jennifer Willoughby. Sexual assault. Domestic violence. Story after story. Many public and many more privately shared. So often I feel totally overwhelmed and hopeless that change will ever come.

Yet I’ve met so many amazing people on my journey – survivors, allies and advocates – who are changing things in their own way in their own circles. Their stories buoy me.

The Domestic Violence Awareness Project (DVAP) developed a theme this year focused on bringing about change through collective action. They encourage people to do one thing to eradicate domestic violence and believe that as people share their stories they will help shape the attitudes and behaviors of people around them.

Whether you are in the church or out, want to push for change in the church or feel completely frustrated by the prospect, I hope in the list below you can find some inspiration for one thing you can do in your congregation, community or simply among family or friends.

From the DVAP: “The #1Thing message is purposely broad, intended for personal application to each situation or story. Following are a series of statements that may be useful in determining how to frame your own organizational or personal message to end domestic violence.” (These are selections from their action guide. More can be found here.)

• #1Thing I want to share about my story

• As a survivor, #1Thing I need advocates to know

• #1Thing that has inspired me to work to end gender-based violence

• #1Thing I want my children to know

• As a community leader, #1Thing I want to share about my community

• #1Thing I do to take care of myself

• #1Thing that impacts my healing & resilience the most

• #1Thing I wish policy makers knew about gender-based violence & its impact on communities

• #1Thing my family could do to support my healing

• #1Thing I will do to address #DV is to speak out when I see microaggressions.

• I will write a Letter to the Editor about the need to support #DV services in my community. That’s my #1Thing. What’s yours?

• #1Thing I want my children to know about [love, race, justice, safety, privilege, equity]

• #1Thing to remember this #DVAM2018 is that #safehousing is consistently rated as survivors’ most urgent need. As DV advocates, advocacy for safe, affordable housing is our work too!

• Believing victims of domestic violence is #1Thing you can do to be a catalyst for change on both an individual and societal level.

• Survivors can often name #1Thing that opened the door to their healing and resilience. How can you help open that door?

• Exploring the impact of institutional racism and white supremacy culture at your organization is #1Thing you can do to dismantle the oppressive systems that perpetuate domestic violence and other injustices.

• Investing in trauma-informed social-emotional learning programs for young people is #1Thing we can do to foster healthy growth and resilience in our communities.

• When developing your training curricula, make room for participants to learn about the importance of community and bystander engagement and its impact on the efforts to end domestic violence.

Earlier this year, there was an excellent Exponent guest post with 46 actionable steps to prevent and address sexual assault and domestic violence. These were specifically for the LDS church, but of course many can be adapted for use outside of that context. For example:

#19. In a combined YM/YW meeting, teach youth to recognize warning signs of “grooming”…  These conversations are valuable within our families and other community settings.

A few other suggestions from her list:

35. Teach parents not to make a child hug or kiss relatives, family friends, grandparents, etc., but rather affirm the child’s agency in choosing appropriate boundaries.

36. Invite a LCSW or other social services/mental health/justice system professional to teach adults and youth about domestic violence or sexual assault during a 5th Sunday combined meeting.

37. Invite women to lead combined 5th Sunday discussions on these topics.

38. Include men in discussions of domestic violence and sexual abuse. Do not allow abuse to be a woman’s issue.

39. Use 1st Sunday Council Meetings to discuss these issues. Ask Relief Society leaders to take ideas and recommendations to ward councils. Follow up on implementation.

This bunch of recommendations stood out to me in light of the church’s recent roll out of abuse.lds.org. While there are some things I find lacking on the new website, I think it’s overwhelmingly positive and a great direction for the church to head (For example, victims are encouraged to get professional care rather than go to the bishop. The opening line for the In Crisis tab is: “If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or medical or counseling professional.”) It has numerous links to national support networks (mostly US, some UK) and pages for victims as well as for people who want to offer support or help prevent abuse. Using the website as a springboard to advocate for a fifth Sunday lesson or Council Meeting discussing abuse could potentially be very beneficial. Here are some other suggestions from the site itself on how to support those who have been abused:

•Be informed. Learn what abuse is and how it affects victims.

•Understand how someone who has experienced abuse might feel. Often, victims of abuse are left with unhealthy thoughts as well as feelings of unworthiness and shame.

•Consider your words. The pain and suffering victims experience is often intensified by others’ comments rooted in a misunderstanding of abuse and its effects. Blaming the victim or making statements like “get over it” or “just forgive and forget” can lead the victim to increased secrecy and shame rather than healing and peace.

•Listen and love. When victims trust you enough to share their experiences with you, listen to them with love and empathy. Resist the urge to lecture or judge.

•Acknowledge and validate feelings. Like with a physical injury, if abuse is ignored, victims often do not heal properly. As you acknowledge and validate the victim’s feelings—such as being sad, hurt, or scared—you will help them on the path to healing.

Abuse.lds.org also advocates for open communication with children. I particularly like this point:

•It is okay to say no, even to an adult. You are in charge of your body. This means that you can decide if someone can touch you, hug you, or kiss you. If you are being touched or treated inappropriately or asked to do something that makes you feel embarrassed, awkward, or self-conscious, it is okay to say no and get away, if possible. Sometimes you might feel like giving someone a hug or kiss and sometimes you might not—and that is okay. You can practice saying “No,” “Don’t touch me,” and “Leave me alone.”

One other LDS-specific idea is:

•Advocate for two-deep policies for youth interviews. From another recent Exponent blog post:

Church publications and teachings need to acknowledge that the “two-deep” leadership in primary, youth, and interviews is to protect possible victims, not to “prevent misunderstandings.” This minimizes and denies abuse, which is in itself abusive. It also places blame on victims for “misunderstanding” rather than on perpetrators for inappropriate and abuse behavior.

A few more general ideas on 1Thing you can do I’ve taken from the Religious Insitute, which is “a multifaith organization dedicated to advocating for sexual, gender, and reproductive health, education, and justice in faith communities and society.”

•Learn accurate definitions of sexuality and gender identity – “Used correctly, the language describing sexual and gender diversity can prevent miscommunication, misperceptions, stereotypes and discrimination.”

•Write a letter to policy makers or a school board who may be voting on comprehensive sex education. There are sample letters and more ideas here.

•Host a study group reflecting on the stories & experiences of LGBTQ people. This advocacy guide for LGBTQ justice has a number of resources and other ideas.

•Host a film screening about LGBTQ justice issues with a discussion to follow.

•Host a study group around on the role of religion in the violence, persecution, and discrimination face by LGBTQ people. Reflect on how American faith voices can challenge, counter, and contain faith-based homophobia and hate.

In a fantastic interview with John Oliver, Anita Hill discussed the #MeToo Movement. She is optimistic things will get better. “If we do nothing, then change is not going to come.” I’m not holding my breath for change to come quickly. I imagine there will be many more setbacks. But talking to others about their #1Thing gives me hope. Collectively we can make a difference.

This is the third in a three-part series. Part one was an overview of violence against women and part two reviewed the MeToo movement in the Mormon community.

#hearLDSwomen: There Is No Institutional Support for This Common, Uniquely Female Experience

[image error]After my preemie son died, our bishop called us in the hospital.

He comforted us by saying he was terribly sorry that our baby had died, and that our baby, according to the doctrine of the church, was without sin, and waiting for us to become worthy enough to be sealed in the temple.

We moved across the country a week later. Our new bishop told us that he’d gotten our records and saw that my husband was a prospective elder. By then we had been married nearly a year, but the bishop could tell from our records that we hadn’t gotten married in the temple, so he asked us if he needed to re-start the repentance process with us and began telling us what we needed to do.

I hesitantly asked if our prior bishop had sent any other information other than whatever “unworthy” flag had been appended to our records. He didn’t know what I was talking about.

I said, “We just had a baby prematurely two weeks ago, and he died. He didn’t tell you that, too?”

He fumbled, but the core message was that since our records showed that our two children—our living son and our dead one—were not born in the covenant, the only thing that mattered was making us worthy.

I asked him for anything else he could tell me about my baby dying. The only answer was “become worthy, go to the temple, and get sealed, or you won’t see your child again.”

It wasn’t until the exclusion policy three years ago that I finally read what Church Handbook of Instructions Volume 1 offered about infant loss: nearly nothing. Nearly nothing. There are pages and pages of regulations about other things in the church, but there is little to no actual, official doctrine about the disposition of miscarried children, stillborn children, or children lost soon after birth.

I have lost five children: one to premature death and four to miscarriage. I can hardly think of a life situation that has impacted my spirit and faith more. And yet this deep, universal human experience is doctrinally and culturally ignored. What I understood from the silence from church is that this is a woman problem that I’m to cope with silently and not in a way that impacts men at church.

This is serious spiritual and doctrinal neglect, and when the most important thing about women is the labor they give instead of the spiritual wrestles they undertake, then we’ve been silenced in a profound way.

– Rebecca

 

Pro tip: Don’t suggest answers that go beyond what we know, and don’t use eternal families as a threat or a weapon. Instead, offer your willingness to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those in need of comfort, even when what hurts is the lack of institutional answers. Relay those questions in interviews with general authorities, and encourage them to pray for answers. Encourage those seeking answers to find them from God.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

#hearLDSwomen: We Were Not Allowed to Improve the Breastfeeding Facilities

[image error]My mother was the Relief Society president in a ward that had a very high birth rate and a tiny mother’s room with just one or two chairs in it. Women, of course, were highly encouraged in “modesty” while breastfeeding, but the hardest thing was that there wasn’t enough space. Women were going out to their cars to nurse and missing church.

My mother had a solution: make an unused room into an extended mother’s lounge by covering windows and purchasing comfy chairs. She talked to the bishop about it, but he sat on it for 5-6 months. My mother was frustrated that she was not allowed to do something for these women – she felt like it was both discouraging her ingenuity and undermining her role.

Lo and behold, months later one of the bishop’s counselors’ wives had a baby, and suddenly they had this revelation – this brilliant idea they came up with to solve the problem of an overcrowded nursing room.

My mother let them finally enact her plan, but she told me how odd it was that it took the guys having a personal connection to the issue to recognize the need. No amount of pleading for action changed their minds before that.

My mother doesn’t see this as an abuse of power. She says it was the Lord’s timing, but I bet the Lord’s timing would have been faster if they tried to see the women’s perspective before then.

– SPS

 

When I lived in Idaho, the mother’s room was seriously under-resourced. We mothers were told how important it was that we be modest at church and to make sure that the door to the room was shut before we exposed ourselves.

The problem was, there wasn’t a curtain or privacy screen in the room, so every time someone opened the door, everyone in the hall could see everyone in the room.

The stake president’s daughter-in-law was one of the young moms nursing a baby. The stake didn’t want to invest in a hanging curtain (I guess because hardware?), but his daugher-in-law found a standing screen at a local furniture store for under $50 and requested that the stake provide that for the stake center’s mother’s room.

The stake sat on that for TWO YEARS until, finally, the screen was okayed.

I’m not even sure the stake paid for the screen. I think the mothers ended up paying for it. But we weren’t allowed to put it up until the stake high council was okay with it.

In the meantime, however, we mothers were still told to be modest!

– Rebecca

 

Pro tip: If there are any nursing mothers under your stewardship, make sure they are supported with the resources necessary to feed their babies. While mothers should feel free to feed their babies wherever they’re most comfortable, make sure to provide a functional and welcoming mother’s room.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)