Rae Roy's Blog, page 17

A Packed Weekend

FridayTwo summers ago, I and some friends were able to participate in a movie scene in Ottawa's Strathcona Park. The location wasn't unknown to me. Steampunk Ottawa has fairly regular meetups near the ruins and I was a member for a time. They actually had one that day.
We were there to film a fight scene for Enter the Drag Dragon. The task set before us was to run at the drag queen who would beat us up with phallic nunchuks. There is more than one drag queen in the story and they all play the same character, Crunch. Ours, Jade London, is in the middle section of the film. Jade is pictured below with the nunchuks in her left hand.

One never knows if they will be seen in a movie when they aren't playing a big role, but I'm there. Twice! The second time I'm on-screen was from the filming session that happened in April 2022 at the Mayfair. It's a little harder to find me in that one, but I'm there. 
Seeing my name in credits was a strange and wonderful experience that I hope to have happen someday under the writing section. I'll soon be hermiting to put the work in that could make that a possibility one day. I got a screenplay idea during my holiday visit and I'm exploring it.
Saturday As I was out fairly late the night before, I was thankful that my planned outings for the following day weren't scheduled before 2:00 PM. This meant that I could go back to sleep for a while after writing the Friday part of the post.
What was my Saturday plan? I was off to see Tone Cluster. It's a local queer choir. I found out about it at the queer jam night and I immediately bought a ticket because I want to get more connected with other 2SLGBTQI+ people who into music. 
Fun fact: I was in a choir in high school. I truly enjoyed it. Maybe one day I'll get over that fear that I succumb to when doing a vocal audition.

One of the songs, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, was so beautiful that it nearly brought me to tears. It's a poem by Robert Frost that was put to music. This particular version was by Joshua Shank.
I felt like crying again when the viola player, Ryan Vis played his first piece, Sonate a-Moll D 821 "Arpeggione": 1. Allegro moderato by Franz Schubert. I didn't let myself either time because my eyes don't produce quality tears.
I had such a wonderful experience that I'm hoping to audition. My friend, who is a member, told me they practice on Monday, which would mean changing my streaming schedule, but I've been wanting to do that anyway. It's a lot to be streaming during weeknights because I end up too tired the next day at work. I may change Wednesday also.
Sunday
The above meme accurately describes what the curling experience was like on Sunday. 
We played a team that is supposed to be in C division. They're in E from having to forfeit too many times due to Covid. As a result, we were lucky to score the one point that we did. Their score was written down as 15 because the scoreboard couldn't hold any more points. They completely destroyed us and were only 3 of 4 players. 
You may be thinking they should've gone easier on us. Had they done that, it could prevent them from getting back to the level they're supposed to be at because the point spread matters. It's likely not fun for them to be winning so easily all the time. 
Before playing them we were sitting at third place in our division. It'll be interesting to see where we end up after this.
Now we wait for the Round 3 schedule to come out.

One Year

Dear Mom,
It was a year ago that you were found barely breathing. You were rushed to the hospital and put on life support. It would be several hours before we'd find out that you were already gone. Sometimes people can come back from a ruptured aneurysm, but you weren't one of them. 
There was a massive snowstorm in Ottawa that day. It was probably good that I had to stay put and try to pack because I wasn't in a state to drive safely. I couldn't figure out what clothing to bring. Eventually, I packed everything I had brought at Christmas, which was what I had with me when you were last alive.
A friend came to sit with me despite the horrid weather just so I wouldn't be alone. I was spinning, and it was so helpful to be able to talk about it all.
I can't remember the full timeline now, but there was a video call and my last image of you is one hooked to machines. We said goodbye, but you weren't there to hear it, so I don't know if it counts.
The next day, I went to your house and it would be a couple weeks of cleaning up. We kept finding more romance novels stashed in places. It went from frustrating to a heartwarming reminder. Mom and her Harlequins.
You were always reading and I'm sure that helped me develop a love for reading and writing despite how awful these things are often taught in school. 
I never got the chance to come out to you, but since I haven't found that wonderful woman yet, I suppose it's OK.
At the time, I hoped you'd be in line with Betty White and a grand friendship could happen that wasn't possible in life. The actress, not your aunt Betty who had a lovely blueberry farm. I wonder if that stayed in the family and I could've had a lifetime supply of blueberries...
I don't know what happens to the energy that was us after we depart this plane of existence, but I hope that if you get to come back someday, you have much more fun in your life and get to reach new heights.
Oh, it seems like I finally figured out my food issues. I wish that had taken less time, so visits would've been more enjoyable.
One last thing. My bathroom reno did finally end!

Shitty Saturday

What a shitty day! So my bathtub got overrun with sewage from another unit. The toilet would gurgle, then stuff would flow into my tub when people above flushed. It seemed like it had resolved, so I had cleaned it up, took a shower, and went to bed.
At 1:30 AM, I awoke to more gurgling and saw this:
I rinsed that out and went back to sleep. When I got up in the morning there was this.

So, I was heading out to Canadian Tire when I ran into the cleaning lady who lives two doors down. She had no issues, but we called the emergency line and then waited most of the day for a plumber to come.
While waiting, it got worse. Much worse.
Eventually, there was the superintendent, the cleaner who is also an owner, a board member, and the neighbour, who was also having the issue.
The plumber had to take their toilet off to clear the blockage that may have been related to an adorable and mischievous toddler. His mom didn't speak much English, but was very kind and felt bad for all the problems. 
She gave us all tea in tiny mugs with tiny spoons and I can honestly say it was delicious and that I never expected that today would involve an impromptu tea party in my neighbour's entrance.
Actually, I was supposed to be heading to curling, but had very little sleep and food, so my team got a spare to sub in. There's another game tomorrow, so hopefully I'll have no issues making that one.
It wasn't all bad as I also got to meet the adorable chihuahua that lives above me and it was the most precious pupper!!!
And I ordered dinner because I ran out of spoons for things like chopping. 
I'm capping today off with a silly movie about a ghost on a plane and some knitting.

It's Not Wheat, It's . . . Meat?

Meatless Bibimbap Rice Bowl on my chair because I'm still decluttering.

It's taken me eleven years to figure out what my food issues are.

Years ago, in 2013, I went to a nutritionist who put me on a gluten free diet. She also advised I change some things up. At the time, I was eating fewer grains, organic meats, salmon (yuck unless it's sushi), and some vegetarian meals.

I felt better, but never fully. I still had discomfort in my abdomen, but it was better than pain throughout my entire body.

So I did a low FODMAP thing for a long time thinking that it was IBS. It must be the onions and garlic in my food, right? They're known for causing issues and they're in all the things I'm eating, so why wouldn't it be that? Cutting them out helped very minimally.

Somewhere along the way, I confirmed that I was having trouble with lactose. Not like most people do. I get itches in uncomfortable places and hives.

Lactose free milks and cheeses entered my life and I was happier, because who isn't with cheese in their life, but I still felt bloating and discomfort. It was like I could feel my inflamed intestines like a balloon.

I tried to get sent to a gastro focused doctor, but my family doctor left the country never to return and the other doctors at that clinic wouldn't take on any of his patients. This is probably needless to say, but I was feeling pretty hopeless on the food thing. I had tried so many things over the years and couldn't think of anything else to try.

Then I started to notice that when I had pho with beef, my guts were upset. When I had only vegetable pho, I had no issues. I could even have all the broth and only feel like I ate a bit too much rather than that my body was angry.

A breakthrough?!

Well, after all the times I thought it was something else, including corn, I wasn't in a hurry to declare it so. 

At Christmas this year, I ate mainly vegetarian meals. I was still avoiding gluten and garlic, onions, and lactose. I felt pretty good.

When I got back to Ottawa though, I realized I had no idea what I was doing with a vegetarian diet. No one in my immediate family is vegetarian. Most friends I know do it for a little bit then go back to meat.

So I ordered a cookbook and tried a dish. I didn't love it. It didn't feel like it was an entree, but more of a side dish. I was feeling starved and tired because I was struggling with what to eat.

Seeing that I had learning ahead, I signed up for a different meal kit than I previously had. One that was more budget friendly and didn't think mayo should be in every sauce for everything. It would be a couple of days before the kit would come in.

While I waited for that day to come, I tried some things, including things with gluten, garlic, and onions in them. I even had seitan.

No issues.

While I will never again say that I am 100% sure that I've figured it out, I have an abdomen that feels like it should right now and I'm going to enjoy that.

I'm also enjoying that Beyond Meat smells like cake when I fry it. A healthy meal that smells like cake is weird, but good weird.

And I love good weird.

I didn't expect this plot twist, but I'm excited about the journey.

I'm also excited about fresh bakery bread and slightly better menu options at restaurants.

December 2023 Holidays

The drive to North Bay was pretty smooth until I was 30 minutes away and ran out of windshield washer fluid. That was the first time that ever happened to me. Luckily, about 10-15 minutes later, there was one last gas station where I could fix that.
Since it's my busy season, I worked the mornings and took the afternoons and evenings to spend with family and friends.
My brother stopped by with a special gift, a new ornament for the tree.

My mom loved ceramic Christmas trees, so it's a perfect way to keep her with us at Christmas. His friend, Fawn, helped him get it made. She has a YouTube channel you can check out here: https://youtube.com/@thethriftyfawn
After that, I visited friends in the slightly rural part of Callander, Ontario. We were having a lovely time catching up and then the evening had a surprise in store. Someone in the area had hit a small deer with their vehicle. My friend's dad skinned and gutted it in around -20C (due to the windchill) weather. It was quite dark by then. It was an odd sight. There wasn't as much blood as I expected there might be. And there was still a lot of body heat coming from within. They may or may not end up with any meat from it as the damage from a car can actually spoil the meat.
The next day, I had a lovely visit with my high school music teacher and choir director. We caught up on the the 20ish years since we last saw each other as best as possible in an hour or so. She's still actively involved in the music community through several choirs and bands. We talked about some of my music related plans and that was wonderful.
I spent a lot of time knitting and watching TV with my dad. I had finished a scarf before leaving, which matches the colour of my nicer toque. I'm currently working on a scarf that uses the colours from the 5 colour lesbian flag.

I mention it on my brand new Now page. You can head there anytime you want to see what crafting, life, music, and writing projects I'm currently working on. I feel like this is a better option for me than constant goal posts on the blog. 
I also played a bit of Minecraft, though a crappy mouse had me mostly not bothering. Having a break from gaming wasn't a bad thing. There was some ukulele, some reading, and some writing. I did a one pager for a new screenplay idea I got.
I happily found dairy free eggnog that was in stock. It's usually sold out, so I miss out most years. Sometimes small things like that really help.
Dad's dog would come to me every time dad went out for an errand or when he was snow-blowing the driveway. Sometimes he just wanted to be nearby and other times he was huddled closer to me.

Due to the storm, some plans were postponed until after Christmas. I redid the garland on the tree as I felt it needed a more artistic touch.

One of the things I loved during the TV watching part of the holidays was an Extra gum commercial. Normally, I'm not fond of marketing, but this one fills my little lezzie heart with joy every time I see it.
Given that my brother works in snow removal for the city, I had no idea what time he would come to open gifts. In the past, he'd get a call out in the morning. This year, he was able to book Christmas Day off, which was really nice. 
A car slid into the ditch across the street from Dad's. My brother checked on them and advised getting a tow. It had no ability to be pushed as the front wheels were floating and the back wheels would just spin. Their friend took their kids, checked it out, then waited with them for the tow. It was winched out in about 25 seconds.
So what did I get for Christmas? Aside from some treats, I got a copy of Dario Argento's Suspiria, some stemless wine glasses, a set of short bar glasses, a couple of gift cards, some cash, and a bottle of Writers Tears.

I asked my scriptwriting friends if I should have some when I submit stories/screenplays or when I get the inevitable rejections. They decided both are times for tears. I'm planning to have quite a bit of whiskey in 2023 🤣
Boxing Day was pretty relaxed. I spent more time on my Lez Scarf project and began the fourth colour. Then I visited my brother and completed our movie tradition. We watched The Glass Onion. Prior to the pandemic, we saw Knives Out in the theatre together, so it was really nice to watch the sequel. It kept us guessing for much of the film and I never mind seeing Janelle Monae. As enjoyable as it was, I think the first one was better casted.
On my last day in The Bay, I started out with laundry, so I could have a bit less to do when I got back home. While that was happening, I did a social media clean-up. I moved a lot of the pages I was following to Instagram, so I could keep my personal Facebook for mainly local connections. More on this to come soon.
Next up, I went skating with my OG best friend at a local arena. The plan was then to fit in a visit with a cousin and then with the friend I had to postpone seeing last week. My cousin wasn't feeling well, so after getting some food from gd2go, I was off to visit with my friend who is currently studying nursing. 
My trip home was longer than usual. This was partly due to all the snow plows along the way, but also because I had some stops to make. A friend was in Pembroke for the holiday from North Carolina, and it was so good catching up as we hadn't seen each other since around 2017 or 2018. 
Next up was a stop at IKEA as I needed bed slats to be able to work on my bedroom reorganization project. I got a few other kitchen items before heading to A&W for a quick bite to eat. 
When I got home, however, I had to park in visitors and couldn't unpack my car fully because our snow removal company had just arrived. 
There are some other friends I would've liked to catch up with, but the snowstorm messed up those possibilities. Perhaps the next time.
After all of the adventures, I was really happy to get back to my own bed!

Crochet vs Knit: A Comparison

I finally learned to crochet and I have mixed feelings about it.

My first two crochet projects: A basic square and a Woobles mini briefcase.

Durability

It's interesting because it allows for a thicker product made faster than double knitting. And thicker means sturdier, which is excellent for things like toys or objects. The difference in thickness seems to be because of working with each stitch more than once or at least that is how it feels in comparison to knitting.

Counting

I rarely have to count beyond cast on with knitting unless I need to do a decrease or increase somewhere. I don't mean the basic counting like knit one, purl one. I mean, counting the whole row out to be sure I still have the number of stitches I started with. I've literally never needed a stitch counter in the 15 or so years I've been knitting. 

Crochet, though? I regularly feel like I'm going to lose my shit due to the constant need to count. Even with all the counting, somehow, my stitches can get off kilter and I'll find myself with the same number of stitches, but they have shifted over by one somewhere along the way. This has never happened to me with knitting. I find it easier to notice if I've dropped a stitch or accidentally increased, long before I get further up in the project, so I never have to rip back as far as I've constantly had to with crochet.

Now, it's possible that I have another issue going on specific to math skills and counting. In other words, it might be a me problem. It's extra frustrating if I'm trying to watch TV, a Twitch stream, or listen to music, which are all things I commonly do while knitting. The level to which this frustrates me means I'm unlikely to ever want to crochet anything large like a blanket unless it's a small square at a time.

Stitches

A number of the textures I find most interesting are found in knitting, like seed stitch, which I'm currently using as part of a scarf I'm making myself.

Given how difficult I find the basic crochet stitch, I'm in no hurry to try others.

With knitting, all the stitches are on the needles at once. In crochet, one works with 1-2 stitches at a time. This means it's easier to put the project down for a break and not worry about it getting totally messed up when crocheting.

Turning

There's a special stitch called a turning chain and I figured out its purpose. Yes, in the simplest sense, it helps you turn the project, but what it is actually doing is allowing you to move the yarn you need to make new chains with back to the best position for adding new chains. Otherwise, you end up with a bunch of weird looking lumps rather than a nice, uniform pattern. Compared to knitting, 

Knitting simpler patterns doesn't really have this, though it is recommended to keep some knit stitches on the edges of a stockinette stitch pattern in order to prevent rolling edges. This can also result in a nice border on the project. Speaking of borders, I think one might be able to add a border to a knitted project using crochet, though I haven't tried it.

Anxiety

I find knitting way more helpful for my anxiety due to the issues with counting and because I can't just get into a flow and not have to think about what I'm doing.

It taxes me mentally to crochet and I'm often looking to wind down after being mentally taxed all day at work.

I can bring my knitting anywhere and know I'm unlikely to completely fuck up my project if I have a drink or two while I'm doing it.

Woobles

After learning with actual yarn, I find I don't like the "yarn" they have in their kits. I'd rather work with real yarn as it hurts my hands far less. But I suppose a benefit of crochet in that it may be easier to work with some less traditional cords and such that may be better for items like small purses.

Dark Colours

Knitting with dark colours isn't any more difficult than it is with light colours. 

Crocheting in dark colours magnifies every challenging aspect of it because it's already much harder to finish rows since it's easy to lose track of the end stitches.

As a goth, black is life, so I prefer to knit in dark colours.

Gifts

If you're making gifts in light colours, it might be faster to complete them in a timely manner with crochet. It could depend on the thickness you're looking for. I can see myself making things like potholders in crochet with a cotton or wool yarn as those are better for contact with heat.

Overall

I'm unlikely to replace my knitting with crochet. I do think it has some specific uses that I want to take advantage of, but it's not for most of the projects I have in mind today. I think blankets and clothing are more likely to be a knitting thing for me, but objects might be better done in crochet. I can see making certain home items like potholders and dish cloths with crochet.

A Decade (or so) In Review

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

There are many days I think I haven't achieved nearly enough with my writing or that I feel behind in life. What I've realized is that sometimes I'm too hard on myself. When I look at the past decade, and shortly before it, I've been through a lot.

There was a miscarriage in 2011. 

In 2012, my workplace was divested, my marriage ended, and I somehow managed to get my blue belt in karate. 

2013 came and I moved 4 times. The first move was out of the marital home. The second was to Ottawa. The third to a temporary place while I waited for my condo keys. I did all of that while playing roller derby and studying iaido.

Then 2014 brought with it my roller derby team winning the championships, but I got injured and had to do a lot of rehab on herniated discs in my neck. 

In 2015, I woke up with crippling pain in my ankles and was diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome.

In 2016, I won a couple of bronze medals in iaido, the sword-based martial art I used to practice. Then I was restructured out of my job. Sure, it may have been possible to relocate again, but I really didn't want to. Ottawa had become my home. I also had my first short story, Solarium, published that year and my second, Sandra's First.

I went back to school in 2017 to study script writing because I wanted some formal writing education and I didn't fit the current job market. While at school, a strike happened and I feared going back had been a terrible mistake. All I could see to do during the strike was to write. We had so many projects that needed to be done and I wanted to be ready for when the strike hopefully ended. Thankfully, it did though we had to add some time to the schedule to be able to do all the learning that was needed. I made the Dean's list at graduation.

It was scary for a bit after that in 2018 as I had to make use of our social safety net while I waited for security clearance to come through for the job I still hold now. I remember being terrified I might end up homeless while I was on Ontario Works and trying to be an Uber Eats Delivery person. But the job I got in procurement wasn't without some brief turmoil as well. I was initially hired on temporarily to cover for a woman who was on maternity leave. There wasn't a full time permanent position for me, so it was off to EI for me for a couple of months. Then there were three pregnancies and another colleague shifted to another account to leave an opening for me to fill. I also made it to the finalists list in the ScreenCraft Horror competition I entered with Puppy Chow.

Things were pretty stable for a bit, though commuting took about 2 hours every day, which left little time for much outside of work. I continued with my writing and martial arts. 

Then the COVID-19 pandemic happened and upended all of our lives and so much was lost. For me, it gave me the time I needed to heal. I did some CBT while stuck at home and filled with the stress of worrying about friends and family and dealing with the neverending bathroom reno. I couldn't use my bathroom for over a year and had to go out of my unit to shower and such. 

During all of that, I dated several men over the years, but there was always a discomfort I felt that I couldn't name. I just knew that I couldn't see a future with any of them and that I rarely enjoyed intimacy with them. Sometimes, I even felt repulsion.

A couple months after I did CBT came my gay awakening. I was shopping online and found myself far more interested in the female models than the clothing. I chuckled to myself as finally that piece of myself was no longer a mystery to me.

And then, at the beginning of this year, I lost my mom to a ruptured brain aneurysm. We're about to have our first Christmas without her and it's hard. Some things are better because my mom had her own issues that are no longer affecting the rest of us. But I miss the fuck out of her. I never got the chance to come out to her and there's so much I just don't know about her life before I came into it.

So when I look back now after feeling frustrated that I'm not done decluttering my home, that I'm not as far along with my writing or other creative pursuits as I want to be, that I haven't met that special woman I so want to find, well... I suppose I've been rather busy dealing with a lot of life things.

Also, I finished the first draft of one novel (Sparker) and got two others to around 30,000 words (Scion and Skater), so it's not like I haven't been working on my writing through all of that.

Is it any wonder that I've felt overwhelmed and like I was locked in fight or flight mode for so long? That I've repeatedly suffered from anxiety and depression? That it's been hard to finish writing projects or reading books?

Nope.

I've learned so much about myself over this decade and I'm hoping that I'll soon be heading where I've wanted to go for many years with all of the things that haven't quite come together for me. 

I guess we'll see what 2023 has in store soon enough.

Comments Are Disabled

Image by Muhnaufals on Pixabay

Due to the following spammer, I've disabled comments on my blog as I'm way too busy for nonsense. 

If you want to reach out to me, I encourage you to contact me through my contact form or via my social media accounts or to comment where I share my blog posts, namely on my Facebook account or through Goodreads. I'm currently most active on Instagram and Facebook.

Google, please let people block individual problem people on our blogs.

Ayesha please get a new hobby. 

https://www.blogger.com/profile/15486878100637374184

I suppose I now have one less thing I need to moderate.

Excited And Expectant

I could finally order the musical equipment that I've been wanting, so I'm very excited to get using it. I retrieved it today from the post office. This took two trips as it came in two packages despite being ordered together as one bundle. Sometimes the world really doesn't make sense to me. YOU CAN'T CALL IT A BUNDLE IF IT'S NOT BUNDLED!!!

We've entered the time of year where I try not to ship a lot directly to my home because people in my building steal things leading up to Christmas. I don't know if this is out of desperation to provide gifts they can't actually afford to buy or if they just don't want to spend money or if there's some other reason, but it's not cool at all.

I have a rug coming to make my office, which is also my streaming and music space, cozier and to have the floor itself appear distinctly separate from the rest of my condo.

After seeing a comment on a friend's Facebook post, I thought it might be neat to share when I learn or confirm a grammar item. I wasn't sure on this one myself, so I hit Google. Today in grammar, it's deep-seated, not deep seeded, but I can understand the confusion on that one. One might be picturing a seed growing deep in the dark, so far below the surface that its roots cannot be pulled. But that would be wrong!

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/deep-seated-deep-seeded-usage

It's apparently time for some blog maintenance. I had to renew my domain this week. Google sent a thing about analytics, so I need to check that I'm all good there. And it looks like I need to see if I can ban certain users from commenting on my blog since they are clearly spammers. I marked a number of posts as spam and deleted them. There were around 20. I don't understand why people do this stuff. Get a life!

It took me awhile to figure out my November goals, but I have and I can see some of these continuing into December.

NOVEMBER GOALS

Finances

- Continue reducing debts. (Outside of goal specific spending, I've been doing well here.)

Health & Fitness

- Make homemade meals at least 5/7 days of the week.* (I've been doing really well on this and I'm happy about it.)

- Rowing 2x weekly.

- Moving (walking/dancing/curling/cleaning) 4x weekly.

Home

- Sell items.

- Continue catching up at home. (This has been going well. My office has improved and I have a tea area in my kitchen now.)

- Finish reading nook.

Music

- Practise daily. (I can't seem to get into a routine that allows for this every day. It's easier to do so Thursday-Sunday.)

- Memorise at least one song.

Reading

- Read daily for at least 30 minutes.* (I'm totally sucking at this and it makes me sad.)

Writing

- Sparker: Organize notes that need to be edited into the novel then use them to edit.* (I've started doing this while others do NaNo sprints.)

- Popcorn Girl: Experiment with sounds to figure out what's missing. (I will have Ableton soon and be more able to do this.)

Please check out my digital to-do list: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

My Truth

Image by Victoria rt on Pixabay 

A decade ago, I made the decision to end my marriage. Increasingly, over the time we were together, he grew less kind and being in the relationship was destroying me as a person. Gaslighting was something that I only fully understood once a certain US President was in office, so I didn't have the words I needed at the time to describe what I was going through. 
I tried asking him to be kinder on many occasions. He was dismissive and argumentative. Once my voice failed me, I wrote letters. He'd read them and dismiss my concerns. 
It's not that there weren't good times. There absolutely were. But those happened less and less frequently.
As one might expect, I wasn't exactly in the mood to be intimate often given how I was usually feeling. To compound things, I hadn't realized I was gay yet and I wasn't over the miscarriage I had had the previous year.
By the time I chose to leave, we had tried counseling, which he gave up on quite quickly. I continued going for several sessions. My counselor worried he would become physically violent. It's an unfortunately common occurrence that a woman who tries to leave ends up dead. Thankfully, that didn't happen.

Prior to this, out of desperation, I had begun to treat him the way he had been treating me. That was a big part of why I sought counseling and why I ultimately ended it along with him having brought up the idea of divorce for the third time in the 6.5 years we were married. Throwing it back at him horrified me. It wasn't loving and I felt the kindest action was for both of us to be with different partners. It was healthier in other ways too as we were both drinking a lot in those days.

He never hit me, but there are many other ways to hurt someone deeply. People who had been through it themselves could see past the facade we had managed for so long. Some others, who couldn't fathom why we were ending, chose him and wrote me out of their lives.

I moved 4 times after that and it was only when the pandemic hit that I had the extra time I needed to properly heal. A lot of those moves were quick, so I didn't even have time to properly downsize my things.

I carried this around for far too long. In my opinion, we should have ended things sooner, but that's hindsight speaking. I was too broken to talk about this until now, so only a few very close friends knew the details. And there are more details, but I would rather leave it at this. 

There are times I wish I had never been in a relationship with him, but I don't know who I would be if I hadn't. I may never have found my way to Ottawa and all the wonderful people I've met since that have come from living here.

A decade later, I truly hope he has found the happiness that wasn't possible with me.