Rae Roy's Blog, page 20

The July Long Weekend: 2022 Edition

Friday was Canada Day. I had a lovely time with a small group of friends not far from Lebreton Flats. Drinks were had on a deck in a back garden, which became more magical as the night went on and the bats and fireflies graced us with their presence. Though I'm not a big fireworks person, I enjoyed seeing them. It was nice being out of the house and in an area where the convoy people were not.

Saturday brought an evening to network with alumni from Screenwriting. It was really good to meet people I had only previously talked to on Zoom. I enjoyed being outside on a deck in a green space again. I should get some plants for my balcony to make it a more restorative place to be. They will be succulents because it gets full sun and everything else will die.

The fun night was marred by a hateful man who got off at the Lees station just after midnight, looked directly into my eyes, and threw an empty drug vial in at me through the open doors. I spoke to two OC transpo employees and gave them the vial. They took my name and said I could fill out a complaint online. After I left them, I noticed my thumb was bleeding and talked to another employee and he said he would send the supervisor. When none came, I spoke to a bus driver. A friend came and special constables came. I gave a report, description, and showed where I was sitting and where he had been. He had a shopping cart and the train didn't have a lot of people on it, so they are confident it should be able to find him on the footage. I haven't heard anything yet.

On the upside, I completed the Everest Challenge on this outing and now I'm planning to switch over to a Pacer challenge to check out Paris. I have a hunch learning more about certain areas of France will be good for me since I have ancestry there. And who knows, it may even play into a story one day.

Later on Sunday, I had yummy strawberries in my cheerios and went on with my day, which involved some Twitch channel work with adding a bot to my channel to help block spam and add some fun commands. 

Then I had the utter delight to participate in one of Danielle Allard's music videos for her upcoming album release. The video is slated for an October release and I can't wait to see it all together. It was really good to meet a number of the people I'm often chatting with in Danielle's stream and discord.

One of my friends in the Dino community thankfully drove me home, so I could avoid the potential of running into the vial lobber. I refuse to let a deplorable man wreck an otherwise wonderful weekend.

I may need a weekend from my weekend.

Please check out my digital to-do list: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

Canada Day 2022

Image by Vishnu Vijayan on PixabayI'm not celebrating Canada on this Canada Day. I'm not celebrating the history of a country who has so much to fix in how it treats its Indigenous People. I'm not celebrating a country where a nationalist faction held my city hostage for several months and continues to attempt to do so. I'm not celebrating a country where I as a gay woman was made to feel like I have to worry about persecution over my sexual orientation by that same nationalist faction in what is one of the most LGBTQ+ friendly places in the world.

Canada, to me, was always about a beautiful mosaic of differences. Differences that made the country a wonderful place to live.

We have some serious things to fix.

I am spending today with friends I've hardly seen due to necessary pandemic precautions we all took to ensure we all stayed alive. I am also enjoying a day off in summer.

But that's all today means to me right now.

I hope the future brings a place where hate cannot thrive.

Please check out my digital to-do list: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

Stream #4

It went OK, though I need to check my microphone before starting  in the future. For some reason, OBS changed it to "default" and then it wasn't on at all. 

But, I had my first spammer this evening, so I guess that means I'm a real streamer now!

On Monday, I plan to start streaming SOMA and I'm looking forward to it.

I have a busy weekend ahead of me. Friday is Canada Day, and I will be hanging out with some friends across town. On Saturday, I have plans to go to a small party at an old teacher's house. And Sunday brings participation in a music video!

I may need a weekend from my weekend...

Please check out my digital to-do list: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

My First Streams

Before I get into my update, I just want to say that my heart goes out to many in the U.S. I'm feeling so many things about that decision right now, especially anger and sadness. I'm also feeling fear because sometimes the bad there seeps up to Canada. That has been happening more in recent years and as a lesbian woman, I truly hope I won't have to seek refugee status in a European country all because some U.S. citizens have a need to force their lifestyles on others.

My Update

I've starting streaming on Twitch. Right now, I'm streaming Lost Ark while I learn things. Like that my first stream on Monday had no microphone on! And like my stream on Wednesday had an echo because my speakers were too loud, so it kept repeating what I said in my microphone in an endless loop. And like, how do I write things into my channel like about me and stuff? I haven't figured that one out yet. I'm sure there is a video on YouTube about it though or a friend can tell me.

Fun stuff.

I'm planning to stream a different game in July. I hope I enjoy it. It's like a cyberpunk horror survival thing. I typically hate survival style games, but this one has an aesthetic I really like and it sounds like you can't actually kill the monsters, which is intriguing to me. I have no idea what I'm in for, but I hope the story is good.

Someday, I hope to stream some music, once I've learned more songs and am not scared to death about singing in front of other people. I've had a lot of bad experiences with that during my formative years like at auditions. I vaguely recall an open mic where I sang She's Like the Wind in high school. All I remember is how nervous I was and not how it went.

Please check out my digital to-do list: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

To check out my stream, follow me on Twitch!

A Musical Plot Twist

Saturday was my favourite day of the week. It began with Dino Streamfest, which spanned from 9:00 AM to Midnight. There were a few of the channels that weren't really the kind of content that I was looking for, so I did other things in between. Things like self care (showering and eating), relaxing (video games - Fenyx Rising and Lost Ark), and music (keytar and writing).

This week, I decided to stop doing music lessons. There were a few factors going into this. The cost was putting me into financial hardship. That was a big one. But I also wasn't getting to learn the instrument I really want to focus on: keytar. And much of the curriculum wasn't made for piano even, so I couldn't really even just learn that well. And given the cost to new material to me ratio was not worth it, I decided to take my money and time back.

And I've done more with my music in one day than I have since April.

But it wasn't a total loss. It got me motivated and I got just enough information to let me know what I didn't before.

So I started writing a song. I have no idea when it will be done, but I'm really excited about it. I don't even have the story of it sketched out yet, but I think I have the key and I'm going to play around with chord progressions to help guide the note end of it.

I still have a lot to learn about keytar and will want to play around with the sound of mine, likely through pedals or something, but I had so much fun!

What will I do next? Well, I'm thinking that I'll just have fun with it during the summer and then take some online courses during the cool months. There are so many free or lower cost options online that I can use to further my musical journey.

Please check out my digital to-do list: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

2022 Q2 Fitness Update 2

I completed Ankgor Wat and did nothing for a little bit as I have been dealing with an angry toe. While scootering, I basically kicked the ground when falling and other than the immediate pain, I didn't think too much on it. I don't think I even looked at it. I should have. Maybe I would have noticed there was a problem before it started oozing. That was a couple of weeks ago. It's doing a lot better, but still not healed.

Which is impacting my Everest walking this round. If I go above 5000 steps, it seems to get angrier. So I'm having to take it easy and just do things like cleaning around the house and whatever walking I get while shopping. And I'm annoyed about it because I really enjoyed doing the first one. The medal from it is due any day and I ordered a medal hanger for it and all the rest to come. I'll probably need another hanger at some point.

On the Everest Challenge, it's partly about getting the names of all the places on the route for research. There is no Google Earth view up there, so the view in the app isn't quite as nice. 

The challenge I really want to start is the Lord of the Rings Bundle, but I'm waiting. The reason for this is partly due to wanting to ensure my toe is better and because the bundle is quite expensive at one shot. I could do 1 at a time at about $45 USD, but I will save about the cost of the challenge T-Shirt if I buy them all together. The geek in me really wants all of the LotR medals. They're gorgeous.

I'm also interested in the story ones that Pacer has, but I don't think they have any partnerships with charities like The Conqueror does. Every time I get another 20% completed on a challenge, 10 bottles are removed from the ocean because of their partnership with Plastic Bank. And I really love that. I'm doing good for my body while also doing good for the environment.

One thing that is good to note is that though I didn't seeing the scale change with the first one, I did see my body composition start to change. It's a gradual, but welcome change. Part of this is due to the increased walking, but it's also due to reducing my sugar intake. I did that gradually over several months. First, I switched to diet sodas. Then I reduced my intake of sweets and such that are made with sucrose rather than a healthier sugar like maple syrup. Now I'm working on healthier drink options like water with flavour infused ice cubes. I've also been having fries far less often. And I changed my daily breakfast from often nothing or whatever I could find to a bowl of Cheerios with lactose free milk. My body is responding well to this and it fits into my day nicely. 

I'm not sure how long it will take to rid my belly of the pandemic cupcakes I was enjoying too frequently, but I know I'm on the path to making that happen and that makes me feel good.

Please check out my digital to-do list: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

Clutter & Trauma

Image by chenspec on Pixabay.

I had a really bad day on Monday where I reached the limit. I realized that I wasn't always struggling with my home like this. I used to be able to clean a whole house in a day. In fact, once upon a time it was my usual Wednesday when I worked part time.

One of my challenges in decluttering has been that I wasn't being honest with myself. I think I've been putting off cleaning up for a long time in order to keep people away.

By not letting anyone get that close to me, I don't risk being hurt again. But the thing is, I don't let love in either then. I just get to be lonely and to wish things were different.

And the people who hurt me in the past get to continue haunting my present and future like sadistic ghosts.

Well, no more of that.

I deserve a clean home for me. 

And I don't have to let someone come over just because it's clean. Silly brain. I don't need a physical boundary that just makes my own day-to-day more difficult.

I deserve the other kind of boundaries and love.

After coming to this realization, I was able to do so much in one day that I previously couldn't find the energy to manage over many months. 

Here's to unfucking my habitat!

Please check out my digital to-do list: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

Scary Things

On Friday, I did the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done. What was it? I read my own published short story, The Solarium, in front of other people.

Prior to my turn at the virtual open mic night, I was really squirmy. I suppose I would've been less nervous if it hadn't been so long ago that I looked at the story that was written and published in 2016. 

As I stumbled through the words, I tried to remind myself to just slow down or try again as needed. What else could I do?

I also didn't look at the chat to see how it was going for fear I would just mess up more.

After it was over, I felt odd. My head especially. Like there was a buzzing. Or like my blood pressure was way too high.

I suppose the fight or flight response may have been triggered.

One of the issues I had while reading is that there were a couple of places that I think I have words missing or grammar issues. And it was published six years ago, so I think I should dust it off and put it out on Amazon with corrections and a cover. Soon.

I am a bit annoyed that it has mistakes in it, but that's actually quite common. Our brains fill in missing words as if they have a built-in auto correct function.

Brains. I saw a meme about brains telling themselves scary stories then being upset about the scary stories. There is also a long one about how our brains are basically soggy bacon that has become sentient.

An hour and a bit after, I felt happy about it, but also weird. I hadn't had dinner yet, so that could have been part of the odd feeling.

Anyway, all that to say, I did a scary thing and it turned out well.

As far as my goals go, you can see my to-do list here: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

My Pride Journey - Part II

Image by Gordon Johnson"Wait, so you really got to age 39 before figuring out you were gay? Are you stupid?"

Yeah, so I know a number of my friends and/or readers have probably been wondering about some things. Or maybe I just think so because I would be curious as to how someone can not know they're gay after doing a lot of sampling over the decades.

At one point, I just thought most men were terrible at sex. Or mediocre at the very least.

OK, I'm going to cross into too much information territory now.

Penetration has almost always been unpleasant for me. I've thought so many things over the years on that beyond men being awful lovers. I thought it could be because I'm petite. Or maybe because I have Sjogren's Syndrome. One partner even had me convinced I had vaginismus for a time. Or maybe it was that I had trust issues and that's why I often couldn't "arrive"?

But it was often the case for me that sex would be fine once or twice and soon I would feel revulsion towards them and towards the idea of seeing them naked ever again. I felt it best not to share that with them. 

I didn't clue into the fact that my body was literally revolting against heterosexuality and felt quite stupid about that for a while.

Another weird little clue? I really hated kissing men who had beards. If they were really smoothly shaven and I couldn't feel any stubble, it was good. In other words, if they were soft like a woman, I enjoyed it.

When I look at all the little clues, individually they wouldn't say gay, but when they're put together they paint a picture. A very gay picture. Combine that with my attraction to women and there's no doubt.

Why am I being so candid and open about this? Well, I'm part of a Late Bloomer group and I know that many people are figuring out these things even much older than I have. Too many of us have stories of trying to live as straight and struggling through similar experiences when we could have been having so much more joy and pleasure in our lives from younger ages.

So whether you're ready to come out or not, know that you aren't alone in these struggles.

Please visit my digital to-do list to see what I've been up to: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

My Pride Journey - Part I

Happy Pride Month to all those celebrating!

I'll be somewhat brief this year, but suffice it to say that it took me a long time to figure out this piece of myself. For many years, I just thought I was on the asexual spectrum. This is partly because I had a number of things to heal from, which had left me emotionally numb in a lot of ways. 

The pandemic gave me the time that I needed. It also brought with it the opportunity to do Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as the cost was covered by the province and I couldn't go out anyway. The model wasn't for everyone. It was a split between phone conversations and online work. The early modules were full of things I already knew from my diploma in Social Work. Perhaps that made it easier for me to go through it in a non-traditional setting or perhaps it was my background in I.T. that made it work just fine for me. Whatever the case, I'm really glad I seized that opportunity. As far as I know, it's still an option for anyone who wants to use it.

It was about six months after that, when I was window shopping online for clothing, that I noticed the change in myself. The models were all so hot that I felt alive in a way I never had prior to this. I just thought people were generally good looking or not and usually just ended up dating someone partly because of common interests and a chemistry that eventually built after getting to know them for a while and a need to "scratch an itch."

I defaulted to men partly because society is so full of heterosexual narratives and because I witnessed quite a bit of homophobia as a teen in the 90s. I always had gay friends, but never thought of it as an option for me. This is probably also partly due to attending Catholic school as a child.

Anyway, there's a thing LGBTQ+ people refer to as "gay puberty." A lot of us never had those experiences as teens. Us late bloomers that is. Basically, we go through some of those things later on. One day, I found myself in the LCBO having to tighten my grip on the bottles I had while a beautiful woman walked by or they were going to smash on the ground.

Previous to all this, I often felt like some part of me was broken or missing. I chuckled when I learned this about myself. "Oh, I'm just gay," I thought.

Now I'm in a whole different world in some ways. Seriously, it's not easier trying to date women. It's differently weird and complex, but at least I'm fishing from the right pond for me now. That should help, right?

There's a lot more I could say, but I think I'll leave that for another time.

Please check out my digital to-do list: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general