Jen Lancaster's Blog, page 14

Much Ado About Mud

We're having a little mud problem around here. By "little" I mean massive and excruciating and requiring daily mopping and vacuuming and linen-washing. Apparently in this house, the only thing more exciting than dashing through the wet part of yard along the fence line is immediately coming back inside to roll around on all the beds. One of our college friends is a landscape architect, so when he was up here last week we asked what we might do about the swampy spot. Permanently ridding ourselves of the muck would require a massive re-grading effort and a check containing far too many zeroes, so we spent fourteen dollars on a long lead for Loki and now he can't reach the mud. Mud problem solved. When our friend saw the brick floor in the entry hall, he mentioned houseplants would really pop in that area. I love plants, but to this point have only had Boston ferns for safety reasons. I'm extremely cautious about plants because I have the kind of cats who eat anything green, regardless of level of toxicity. In their book, the more toxic, the more tasty. But our friend was right - our hallway was crying out for a little green, so I started to do my research. I needed low-to-medium light plants that were non-toxic. There are plenty of places that list appropriate plants for the kind of light in the hall and plenty that showed which are cat-safe. I couldn't locate a list that displayed...

Let's Try This Again

You know how I'm always saying that in terms of smarts, Libby is very pretty? Yeah. Apparently I'm very pretty, too. I couldn't figure out why I didn't hear from my contest winners. I was all, "Wait, maybe they didn't want the book after all." Turns out they can't contact me if I give them an email address that doesn't exist. So, let's try this again: jenwritesbooks (at) gmail (dot) com Shameful. This is why you all assumed I accidentally bought a toilet, isn't it?

Winner! Or, Rather, Winners!! (Updated To Fix Personal Dumbassery)

Not to suck up or anything, but I'm pretty sure I have the funniest readers in the world. I absolutely loved your six-word stories. I laughed! I cried! They were better than Cats! (And about cats in some cases!) Seriously, reading these was like listening to the best mixed tape ever. You guys were all funny, funny, funny, then poignant, then totally relatable, then funny again. Thank you so much for participating. I had many so favorites along the way, some of which are: "Sneezed. Peed. Threw away the Spanx," by Beth Herron "A monkey could do my job," by Nancy Davis "'Reply' and 'Reply All' - big difference," by Kristin F "Best birth control - twins then triplets," by Alyssa Kinnersley "Small red Chinese coffin for possums," by Ak "We went to an amateur tattooist," by Amy "Wikipedia overload. Down the rabbit hole," by Sarah "Office by bathrooms. Too much information," by TC "Measuring walrus p-e-n-i-s. Adverntures in zookeeping," by Kate Faust (but the spelling it out part is all me) "This cubicle is where dreams die," by Pam M "'Free' cat. Hundreds later, apartment destroyed," by Joyce Novacek "Can creditors find me in Canada?" by Carolyn Baker "Finally completed remodel; just found termites," by Kate Foster "No, she said, shutting the door," by msicky "Girl cop. Boy speeds. Wedding bells," by Kathy And the winners because I couldn't decide are... "Dude, breast pump! Not a bong!" by Christy and "All my prom dates were gay," by Jennie Jennie,...

Winner! Or, Rather, Winners!!

Not to suck up or anything, but I'm pretty sure I have the funniest readers in the world. I absolutely loved your six-word stories. I laughed! I cried! They were better than Cats! (And about cats in some cases!) Seriously, reading these was like listening to the best mixed tape ever. You guys were all funny, funny, funny, then poignant, then totally relatable, then funny again. Thank you so much for participating. I had many so favorites along the way, some of which are: "Sneezed. Peed. Threw away the Spanx," by Beth Herron "A monkey could do my job," by Nancy Davis "'Reply' and 'Reply All' - big difference," by Kristin F "Best birth control - twins then triplets," by Alyssa Kinnersley "Small red Chinese coffin for possums," by Ak "We went to an amateur tattooist," by Amy "Wikipedia overload. Down the rabbit hole," by Sarah "Office by bathrooms. Too much information," by TC "Measuring walrus p-e-n-i-s. Adverntures in zookeeping," by Kate Faust (but the spelling it out part is all me) "This cubicle is where dreams die," by Pam M "'Free' cat. Hundreds later, apartment destroyed," by Joyce Novacek "Can creditors find me in Canada?" by Carolyn Baker "Finally completed remodel; just found termites," by Kate Foster "No, she said, shutting the door," by msicky "Girl cop. Boy speeds. Wedding bells," by Kathy And the winners because I couldn't decide are... "Dude, breast pump! Not a bong!" by Christy and "All my prom dates were gay," by Jennie Jennie,...

Winner Announced Later

Just a quick update so no one's left wondering - I'll be reading all the comments later today and selecting a winner by tomorrow. Planned on doing it now, but I just found out about an antiques expo AND an estate sale, so... yeah. In the interim, please enjoy this photograph of early 20th century French zinc lions displayed in vintage hand-carved frames. When I brought these home, Fletch was all, "So are you Russian mafia or Italian mafia?" But he's just jealous because he can't spot a deal like I can. Okay, I've got to go buy some dead people's dishes now. Later! P.S. According to the antique expo flyer, they'll have tons of "Orientalia" on display. Tell me I didn't giggle at THAT.

Not A Toilet (And A Giveaway,) But Mostly NOT A TOILET

Earlier this week, I posted this photo on my Facebook fan page: The background is I've been doing a lot of antiquing lately and I'm at the point where I know what I like but I don't quite know what I have until I do my research. However, I've scored big on a couple of items (OMG, French zinc lion heads from an early 20th century carnival!) from dealers who also didn't know what they had, so when I spot something special, I grab first and ask questions later. Hip checking other patrons may or may not be involved. Oh, please. Like I haven't been shoved into a table full of Depression glass by roving bands of seniors a dozen times already. Anyway, I posted this shot and asked if anyone recognized it. I wondered if this could be a Chinese sewing basket, but I actually own one of those and it's not shaped like this. With the way the latch closes on this piece, I thought it might be some kind of Chinese lunchbox, which then cracked me up because "Chinese lunchbox" sounds vaguely dirty. A few people very helpfully provided links to online antiques sites but 95% of everyone surveyed was convinced I'd bought an ancient Chinese toilet. I can see how folks made that assumption because of the perspective of the shot, especially with how the back is cut, but I assure you THIS IS NOT A TOILET. Here's a different photo next to other items so...

This Month's Column: #WINNING? I Think Not.

By Jen Lancaster, Tribune Media Services, Humor Hotel Posted 03/22/2011 at 3:00 pm EST I'm overwhelmed. Much as I appreciate the 24/7 access to information from cable television, the Internet and satellite radio (plus special alerts sent directly to my phone, in case I somehow avoided all the real-time updates from the other sources), I find myself faced with news overload. I'm not equipped to cope with endless tragic stories about war, civil unrest and escalating gas prices. I can't handle another toxic eruption from the Shinmoedake volcano . . . or the Sober Valley Lodge. I need a break. I need good news. I need some (non-hashtag-based) winning. As a kid, my favorite escape from the pressure-cooker otherwise known as grammar school was watching game shows. No matter how badly I'd bombed my spelling test and regardless of any hopscotch-based playground drama, I knew salvation was but a center-square-for-the-win away. Although I loved the kitsch of "The Gong Show" and Bob Eubank's prolific use of the word "whoopee" on "The Newlywed Game," Mark Goodson-Bill Todman productions were my drug of choice. "Match Game" boasted the best double entendres, Richard Dawson's charisma on "Family Feud" was practically infectious, and the game-stopping power of having drawn a seven on "Card Sharks" was nothing short of mesmerizing. Could Charles Nelson Reilly mind-meld with the housewife from Yorba Linda to win $500? Would the returning champion remain victorious in the Money Cards bonus round? Might the scion of the Johnson family rally once...

Another Episode of Bad Idea Theater

In case these photos aren't worth one thousand words, I've provided handy captions. Things That Seem Like A Good Idea But Actually Turn Out To Be The Opposite Of A Good Idea (Much In The Same Way That Tattoos Following Tequila Shots Are A Good Idea) And In This Case Prove A Spectacularly Bad Lapse In Judgment Particularly As One Is A) An Entire Mile Away From Home, B) At The Other End Of Three Leashes That One Has Tied Together Into A Giant Knot Because It 'Seemed Easier Somehow' and, C) In The Captivity Of Three Raving Assholes Who Act Like They've Never Seen A Squirrel Before, All Of Which Is Exacerbated By Ones Snappy New Hot Pink Adidas Track Jacket One Bought In Tribute To Sue Sylvester And Glee Before It Got All Shark-Jumpy, Only To Find Out The Hard Way There's A Hole In The Interior Pocket One Millimeter Wider Than The Width Of Ones House Key, Thus Causing One To Traverse Up And Down The Path By The Squirrels Many Extra Times. Hey, Remember That Neck And Shoulder Injury I Had That Worried You So Much A Couple Of Weeks Ago And Forced Me To Wear A Harness Because That Whole Area Was So Tender And Weak That I Couldn't Even Turn My Neck To The Right? Good News, Not Only Do I Feel A Million Percent Better, But I've Got My Full Strength Back And Also Learned How To Slip Out Of My Harness While...

Quirky Is the New Black

I really hope you guys read the comments yesterday. I've been poring over them for about four hours and I'm hoarse from laughing. Please know that every single one of you made my day. What's killing me is I can't believe the phobias many of us share, like not having our food touch, sorting our Skittles and M&Ms by color, making things symmetrical, despising the word "moist," being annoyed by serial sneezers, needing to have even (or prime) numbers on volume control, disliking other people's feet, fixing poorly hung rolls of toilet paper, etc. A smaller number of us have weirder things in common - inserting our dogs' names in popular songs (my current obsession is Flo Rida and "Libby hit the flo', she hit the flo', Libby got low low low low, low low low low"), angry spousal glass-licking, narrating my life in my head, worrying about sharks in swimming pools, perpetually using shopping carts no matter how few items I buy, checking to make sure no cats are in the dryer, needing to make puns whenever possible (OMG, hosta-takeover!), matching fragrances and clothing items, and secretly wishing the dogs would email me when I'm not home. Fletch particularly identifies with those of you who are concerned with zombie invasions. We actually have a rack full of disaster supplies in the basement labeled "Zombie War." Fletch said he was joking when he labeled it. Yeah, honey. Of course you were. A couple of you even provided photographic evidence of...

Brevity Is the Soul of Wit, And What I Mean by That, in No Uncertain Terms Is...

Who's up for something fun that might brighten up your Tuesday AND win you an advanced copy of If You Were Here? I may have just the thing! A couple of years ago I ran contest - to win, you had to tell me something silly or quirky about yourself. I don't recall the specifics, but I still remember some of your answers, like how one girl applies exactly eleven strokes of deodorant to each arm every day. Everyone had a great time reading the entries so I'm doing it again today. For the details: Tell me something about yourself that most people don't know in one hundred words or less. (Brevity's appreciated.) I'm NOT looking for your painful secrets, rather I'd just like to hear something unique about you. We're not doing the random number generator today. Since Fletch and I will be picking the winner, your answer matters - be creative! One entry per IP address and contest ends tonight at 6:00 PM. Winner will be announced as soon as I finish going through all the entries. Cool? Fun? Yes? If I were entering, I'd write about my Drawer of Shame I mentioned last week. But if you need another example, here's my brush with hoarding. I'm obsessively brand-loyal to a couple of things and I go a little bananas when I don't have them. So, my basement is full of the products I've been stockpiling: Kleenex infused with Vicks, real light bulbs (none of that fluorescent bullshit...