Jen Lancaster's Blog, page 10

(Not) Trapped in the Closet

Apparently you can't tell 50,000 Facebook followers about getting locked in the garage without providing the back story, so here goes: A few years ago I received a silver key ring for making the best seller list. I love this key ring, A) because of what it symbolizes and, B) shiny! However, not long after I started using it, I learned that it's quirky. You see, one of the silver balls screws off and that's how you add and remove keys. Unless you're blessed with a patented GI Joe Kung-Fu grip, the ball will occasionally loosen. The more times you toss your key ring in your bag, the looser it gets. So, about once a month I have to remember to tighten the ball or all my keys will fall off and drown in the sea of lipstick, cough drops, antique Kleenex, and free range antacids rolling around the bottom of my bag, thus defeating the entire purpose of the key ring, shiny though it may be. Last weekend my friend Joanna and I went to the opera. She found a hotel downtown for less than a hundred bucks a night, so we decided we'd stay instead of waiting in the cold for a half an hour for the opera valet or taking the late train home. (The train is fine at that time of night; the Chicago train station, however, freaks me the hell out.) (Truly I am suburban now.) (Also? The Magic Flute? With no murders, torrid affairs,...

Just Call Me Mia - A Timeline

Move-in Day Last Year: "So the bedroom drapes aren't exactly our style, but they're fine and they're custom-made and even though they look like they should line a coffin, Imma keep 'em because I'm cheap and practical." The Rest of Last Year: "Can't sleep, drapes will eat me." Sunday After Thanksgiving: "The Restoration Hardware Outlet's having a 20% off sale, making each curtain panel $25? Seriously, Fletch, we must buy new drapes... for America." Monday After Thanksgiving: "Whoa, THIS is how much the hardware costs? That's where they get you. They screw you in the drive-thru. They lure you in with $25 panels and then they shove eight million dollars worth of finials and round clips up your ass." Last Thursday Afternoon: "The cartons of hardware are here! And half of them have busted open during shipping! For eight million dollars, you'd think they'd have packaged them using something other than tissue paper and spite." Last Thursday Night: "Maybe Libby just tore the rest of the boxes open because she heard me complaining about how badly they were wrapped. And you have to be a little bit impressed that she can carry around a six foot long oil rubbed bronze curtain rod, right? Right?" Last Saturday: "HA, HA, HA, SEE YOU IN HELL, DEATH DRAPES! Or, more likely, at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. Still, sayonara!" Last Sunday: "Now that the spackling is dry, we can patch the paint and be done? New curtains hanging by tomorrow? YAY!" Monday: "Oh,...

I Love Lamp

Good morning! This photo has no bearing on what I'm writing next. I just really wanted to share the awesome that is the $10 milk frother I bought. I'm so quick to complain about what I don't like that I often forget to document what I do, so I'm making a point to post this. Seriously, look at this cup! It's foamy! It's magnificent! I feel like I'm having my morning coffee in Italy... if Italy were a filthy home office littered with cat toys. Speaking of cats, I wanted to share the success we've had integrating Patsy and Edina into our household. Ha! Honestly? I'm beginning to understand why they were longtime shelter residents. They are... not terribly nice. These two are all, "Come for the biting, stay for the hissing, swatting, and shaking in impotent rage!" (Spoiler alert: Don't worry - they're here for the long haul and nothing bad happens.) (Of course, Mr. Fletcher Bleedyhands would beg to differ about something bad happening.) Anyway, we've been following every bit of advice I could find in regard to introducing new cats to a multiple pet household. For the first week, they were completely separated in their own room. I'd hang out with them and we'd all watch Real Housewives on Bravo together. They seem to dig me. (And NeNe, for that matter.) I'd bring the same quilt into and out of the room so the ladies would become familiar with the scents of the other cats and dogs....

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

Well? Have you seen Breaking Dawn yet? Are you such a Twihard that you went to the midnight showing on Thursday? Or are you less hardcore in that you waited until the 10:30 showing on opening day? Perhaps you're planning to see it over the weekend or next week while you're on vacation? Or do you really not give a flying fig about sparkly vampires finally making amore and you saw Moneyball instead... yet you dug the New Moon and Eclipse reenactments enough that you're back for more? Then you're in luck because I'd like to present Breaking Dawn, the Jennsylvania edition! This reenactment should neatly replicate my film viewing experience, except that unlike the asshole sitting behind me in the theater, I haven't brought my toddler with me. Mostly because I don't have a toddler, but partly because even if I did, I wouldn't want them witnessing a lot of sparkly vampire sex. But that's just me. Anyway, here goes... Bella: "I can't believe I'm getting married! I'm practically vomiting with excitement! Yet I'm vaguely concerned that something could go horribly, horribly awry." Alice: "Except for the fact that you were previously almost offed by James, Victoria, Laurent, Riley and a bunch of newborns, Jasper on accident, a pack of horny townies, a motorcycle, a skidding panel van, a cliff dive, a cavalcade of pissed off ancient Italians, and seasonal affective depression, what could go wrong?" Bella: "You're totes right. And now I'll finally get a ride in Edward's...

If You Were Here (in Florida)

Every year when we plan book tour cities, I promise the folks in Florida that I'll do my best to get there. And I have always failed you, Florida. Until now. Which is why I'm delighted to announce Jen's Spring Break Book Tour, coordinating with the paperback release of If You Were Here! Before I get to the details, here's a look at the new cover and step-back (the page behind the cover that peeks through.) Get it? The house is a cutout and it opens to a bucket of yellow paint. I'm crazy in love with the new look for fiction because hopefully this will lessen the amount of angry email I receive, admonishing me for buying Jake Ryan's house and changing my name to Mia without explanation. I wish I were kidding. Actually, that's why I felt it was important to include a reader's guide with this book along with a behind the scenes explanation of what is and isn't true. (Hint: a lot less than you'd expect.) I'll make the reader's guide available free/online as soon as the paperback comes out in March. Or I could just tell you about everything in person at the following events: TUESDAY, MARCH 6 MIAMI, FL Books & Books 265 Aragon Ave Coral Gables, FL 33134 8 PM WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7 VERO BEACH, FL Vero Beach Book Center 2145 Indian River Blvd Vero Beach, FL 32960 6 PM THURSDAY, MARCH 8 JACKSONVILLE, FL Barnes and Noble 10280 Midtown Parkway Jacksonville, FL...

Three of You Are Winners!! (The Rest of You Get Cat Pictures)

First up, the winners of yesterday's It's Hard Not to Hate You book giveaway are... Beth D. Marlene Bates Melissa Chapman (But you know this because I already emailed you.) For everyone else, I have a story. (So, really, you're all winners! Yay!!) Ahem. Anyway, last week was my birthday. Neither Fletch nor I are usually big birthday people, so I wanted to keep the day low-key, particularly since last year we actually had an elaborate celebration with friends in from New York. I've also been sick ever since that asshole sneezed in my mouth in Detroit so I didn't feel up to going out for dinner in the city. Plus, I received my present early when I stumbled across an old poster chest (like a steamer trunk flipped on its side) at an antiques store. I love the trunk so much that it took every ounce of willpower I possess to not to email a shot of it everyone I know with the caption, "Look at my chest!" I would, of course, follow that up with a photo of the brilliant red shrubs on the side of the house with the caption, "Check out my bush!" This is why no one ever emails me back. Anyway, I was kind of mopey on my birthday because (at my insistence) we weren't doing anything and I didn't have a present to open. Finally, Fletch couldn't take the melancholy anymore and suggested we stop at the Orphans of the Storm animal shelter...

It's Hard Not to Hate You Book Giveaway!

Ever want to buy a book based on the cover or title alone? Yeah. Me, too. I adored this book before I ever opened it. And then I read what Val Frankel had to say and I really fell in love. From the Amazon.com description: "The hate in you has got to come out." After being advised to reduce stress by her doctor, humorist Valerie Frankel realized the biggest source of pressure in her life was maintaining an unflappable easing-going persona. After years of glossing over the negative, Frankel goes on a mission of emotional honesty, vowing to let herself feel and express all the toxic emotions she'd long suppressed or denied: jealousy, rage, greed, envy, impatience, regret. Frankel reveals her personal History of Hate, from mean girls in junior high, selfish boyfriends in her twenties and old professional rivals. Hate stomps through her current life, too, with snobby neighbors, rude cell phone talkers, scary doctors and helicopter moms. Regarding her husband, she asks, "How Do I Hate You? Let Me Count the Ways." (FYI: There are three.) By the end of her authentic emotional experience, Frankel concludes that toxic emotions are actually good for you. The positive thinkers, aka, The Secret crowd, have it backwards. Trying to ward off negativity was what'd been causing Frankel's career stagnation, as well as her health and personal problems. With the guidance of celebrity friends like Joan Rivers and psychic Mary T. Browne, Frankel now uses anger, jealousy and impatience as tools to...

That's Some Bad Hat, Harry (Humor Hotel Column)

First, a little housekeeping... Apparently If You Were Here is in the running for the Goodreads Choice Awards 2011 in the humor category against powerhouses like Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler. I'm delighted to be recognized among such authors, especially Laurie Notaro, whose new book is her best yet. Regardless, I'd like to win, particularly if there's a trophy involved. Goodread members can go here to vote. If you're not a Goodread member, you can sign up for a free membership which is actually very cool way to discover new books and discuss old favorites. That being said, here's this month's Humor Hotel column... * * * I don't see many scary movies, largely because I don't like to be scared, particularly when the privilege runs about eleven dollars. And that's before popcorn, parking, Junior Mints, and bucket of soda that, ounce for ounce, cost more than a gallon of gas. I'm more of an "Isn't Sandra Bullock sassy?" filmgoer, with an occasional side of "Will Smith saves the world from aliens (again!) while tossing out one-liners sure to become part of the cultural zeitgeist." ("Welcome to earth!") But in light of everything terrifying happening in the world that Will Smith has so bravely served - suicide bombers, Solyndra, drum circles, debates, etc. - suddenly the idea of voluntarily viewing an old school horror movie doesn't seem so daunting. As I thumb through the pay-per-view guide, I brief my husband Fletch on contenders. "Let's see… ooh, The Omen from 1976…...

Victory Lap

Seven. I have seven books under my belt now. Sometimes they're easy to write, like Bitter or Such a Pretty Fat. And sometimes they're rough, like when my house filled with mold and I had to move, like it did during Pretty in Plaid. I've been working on Jeneration X, the new memoir, all summer. This one's been fun to write, yet it took FREAKING FOREVER, way longer than anticipated. I feel like I missed out on some of the best days this year because I was up in my office working while my pool sat there, all blue and clear and empty and unloved. (Yeah, the blog was empty and unloved, too. I know. But when I finished writing for the day the last thing I wanted to do was write more. That's just how it goes every fall.) Anyway, this book was a tough one because things kept happening during the process, like losing our electricity four times. FOUR TIMES. Then I waged war with Lands End and a Ford dealership and a bunch of other behind the scenes stuff, none of it urgent, but all of it taking time away from my goal of being finished. And when I finally got on a roll and felt like I was at the home stretch, some asshole getting off a plane from Detroit sneezed before I could cover a yawn and that knocked me on my ass for a week. I vowed I'd finish this book before we closed...

Girls in Trucks - UPDATED

I have a book due next week which is why there's been nothing but crickets around here for the past month. I'm sorry about that but I'm kind of a nerd when it comes to my writing and I only want to put out my best work. That means anything that isn't part of a page count isn't happening. (Ask me about my dead plants, empty fridge, and filthy floors, too.) However, Fletch is upset right now. When Fletch is upset, I put my deadline on hold because his happiness is more important than anything. Do you guys remember back in April when we bought a pickup truck? We were looking for something with a crew cab in which could haul dogs and garden supplies and antiques. Fletch budgeted $5000 for the truck and he spent months doing research and talking to dealers. (He doesn't really have a day job.) He found a couple of contenders, he visited various dealerships, and he finally found what he thought was the right truck at Napleton Ford in Libertyville. He took it for a test drive, inspected the CarFax, and ultimately decided to make a purchase because of the low mileage. I didn't think 100K miles seemed low AT ALL, but I know zip about trucks. He assured me that in a big ol' Merican truck, they can go a good 200K miles. He drove the truck maybe fifteen times and put less than 500 miles on it in total. But lately we...