Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

Well? Have you seen Breaking Dawn yet? Are you such a Twihard that you went to the midnight showing on Thursday? Or are you less hardcore in that you waited until the 10:30 showing on opening day? Perhaps you're planning to see it over the weekend or next week while you're on vacation? Or do you really not give a flying fig about sparkly vampires finally making amore and you saw Moneyball instead... yet you dug the New Moon and Eclipse reenactments enough that you're back for more? Then you're in luck because I'd like to present Breaking Dawn, the Jennsylvania edition! This reenactment should neatly replicate my film viewing experience, except that unlike the asshole sitting behind me in the theater, I haven't brought my toddler with me. Mostly because I don't have a toddler, but partly because even if I did, I wouldn't want them witnessing a lot of sparkly vampire sex. But that's just me. Anyway, here goes... Bella: "I can't believe I'm getting married! I'm practically vomiting with excitement! Yet I'm vaguely concerned that something could go horribly, horribly awry." Alice: "Except for the fact that you were previously almost offed by James, Victoria, Laurent, Riley and a bunch of newborns, Jasper on accident, a pack of horny townies, a motorcycle, a skidding panel van, a cliff dive, a cavalcade of pissed off ancient Italians, and seasonal affective depression, what could go wrong?" Bella: "You're totes right. And now I'll finally get a ride in Edward's...