Jen Lancaster's Blog, page 17

Looking For A Last Minute Way To Give This Season?

Then please consider this. I've done an awful lot of volunteering this year in the hope that the efforts would give me one of those "A-ha!" moments. I've worked with children, the elderly, the homless, and the incarcerated. I planned to base a book on these experiences until I came to the realization that my thesis statement was "I suspect we'd all be happier if I just wrote you a check." Somehow that doesn't seem so uplifting. Yet these experiences have changed my relationship with giving and now I'm always looking for ways I can help. I traveled to Hawaii when I was seventeen and all I've wanted to do since then was go back. So I've spent my entire professional life hoarding my American Airlines advantage miles, resisting the temptation to cash them in for a lesser trip and always buying extra miles when I had the chance. Eleven years after beginning to bank my miles and many extra dollars spent, I finally had enough for two first-class, round-trip tickets to Hawaii. Or Europe. Or wherever else in the world I might like to travel. Then I read about Operation Hero and I realized I also had enough miles to send an entire family to visit their loved one who'd been injured in Iraq or Afghanistan. My AAdvantage balance is back to zero now and for the first time I understand exactly what it feels like to give until it hurts. A-ha.

Two And A Half Dogs

This has been going on for two solid hours. They've been nothing but a blur of action since they rolled me out of bed at the crack of dawn. Do these photos make you dizzy? Yes? Then you should experience it live for the full effect. I'm delighted they're finally playing together, although I'm starting to wonder if this isn't a be careful what you wish for scenario. Please note Maisy's combat position in photos one through three. She does ninety-five percent of her fighting on her back. We call her style Hidden Tiger, Crouching Fatass. Not pictured - the stink lines radiating out from the disgusting carpeting. But trust me, they're there. "We have no idea what you're talking about, lady."

A Tale Of Two Trees

Smug. That's how I'd describe myself on December 4th when a Lake Forest High School hockey-dad delivered my Christmas tree. So very smug. And now for the backstory: I'm fairly organized in most aspects of my life, particularly professionally. Unless there are extenuating circumstances (e.g. discovering my house is sinking or deciding to start over completely on a different book), I meet my publication deadlines. Despite my best efforts at procrastination, I turn in all of my Tribune Media Services columns absolutely on time, and often early. My book tour prep begins months in advance and I have packing down to such a science that I can do a week-long junket with only carry-on luggage. Yet somehow Christmas never fails to sneak up on me and I always find myself scrambling at the last minute. The problem is I hate how the holiday season starts earlier and earlier each year. I always keep track of which retailer starts force-feeding its customers Christmas cheer the earliest. Last year's big offender was the Walgreens in Logan Square because they sold decorations in October and this year, the Macy's in Vernon Hills made my naughty list by be-ribboning and and be-dazzling their display windows in September. Sept-frigging-tember. Plus, the only reason I was at Macy's that day was to buy a new swimsuit. Point? In my little Jen-centric world, Christmas doesn't officially begin until I put up my tree, which I always do between December 10th to 14th. I'm all about the live...

The Next Company That Blindly Pitches Me Gets This

An Open Letter to Marketers Dear Sir or Madam, I'm not a mommyblogger. There's nothing wrong with mommyblogging; it's just that I don't have kids. Which means I never post about diapers. I don't write about toys, save for the occasional Barbie head I might accidentally order while high on Ambien. Your flavorings to make medicine administration easier aren't of use because I take my Ambien just fine. Oh, wait - do you make one that tastes like Chardonnay. No? Then no thanks. I'm not interested in "spreading the word" about your interactive learning tools or educational initiatives. Unless Morrissey recorded your children's song album, I don't care to hear it. I have as much desire to write about about healthy snack alternatives as I do to eat healthy snack alternatives, which is to say none. I'm not concerned about shaking off that last bit of baby weight because there is no baby. To be more clear, there will never be a baby. And yes, that's by choice, so I've no inclination to chat up infertility options. I care not to promote your products that promote lactation. If I somehow begin to lactate, I'm calling an exorcist, not your expert. There are probably a ton more child-centric products that you, dear Marketer, are hot for me to pitch. But I'm not going to pitch them because, if I haven't already made it crystal clear, I AM NOT A MOMMYBLOGGER. And yet. You keep emailing me about a bunch of crap...

Country Mice Vs. City Rats

My favorite thing to do up here is to walk the yard after a snowfall to see all the fresh animal tracks. At some point late last night or early this morning, a family (herd? pride? pack? posse? crew? what's the word?) of deer cut through the woods on either side of my driveway. Back in Logan Square, I used to engage in a similar ritual, only I checked for rat tracks and footprints. Discovering those prints, particularly around my doors and windows, was a lot less fun. Last spring when we still planned to buy our city rental, I ran across a website that changed my entire life. There's a sweet autistic kid in the Logan Square/Avondale neighborhood who wants to be a 911 operator when he graduates, so he spends his free time listening to a police scanner and documenting emergency calls. Before reading his blog, I never knew exactly how much shit was going down around me and the fact that we lived there for two years without being victims of a crime is astounding. However, shouting, shovel-weilding, and obtrusively photographing ne'er-do-wells proves to be an excellent deterrent to crime. Unfortunately, it's also a deterrent to meeting nice neighbors. But you know what? I've already got plenty of friends and I only have one plasma television. The crime blog is what prompted us to move away from the city and it's the best decision we've ever made. Yes, I miss being close to my friends, I hate...

It's Not Officially Christmas...

... until I overestimate the size of the room where the tree will go. This year's famous last words? "Of course we have 12' ceilings!" We haven't yet cut the twine binding it together. I'm afraid to see what happens when we do.

Let Freedom Ring! (No, This Is Not A Political Post)

Introducing Miss Liberty Belle... She's our new pit bull puppy. Do you luff her yet? No? How about now? What about now? She's wearing her new sweater we got in the Hanukkah aisle at Target last night. Our dog is ecumenical in that she embraces ALL religions, particularly ones that boast pretty sweaters. Okay, really, she just gets cold. On a more serious note, we adopted her from A & S Rescue and they do amazing work saving these magnificent creatures from the worst mankind has to offer. (Please also check out Don't Bully My Breed - another wonderful rescue group... and tell me if you don't recognize a certain puppy on the splash page.) Anyway, Libby and her brothers were first starved, then tossed out of a car in a box and someone was trying to run them over when they were rescued. I just feel sick thinking about what could have happened to her. Yesterday I saw that Michael Vick was a trending topic on Twitter. I clicked on the hashtag hoping that the overriding sentiment would be outrage that this thug got to slide back into his job while creatures still suffer from his ignorance and cruelty. Not so. A whole bunch of folks were really happy to see him out on the field and were pissed off that people weren't giving him a second chance. How about this? When the dog Mel forgives him, I'll forgive him. Not to bum anyone out, but this is the...

Event! Next Week! Please Come!

The title was the shorthand for this post which, if the past is any indication, will ramble on. I've just been asked to do a reading and signing for World AIDS Day, so here are the details: WHEN: Wednesday, December 1st, 7:00 PM WHERE: Oak Park Borders, 1144 Lake Street, Oak Park, IL, (708) 386-6927 WHY: To support Lifebeat UM, WHAT?: Borders will donate 25% of sales associated with my signing to Lifebeat to fund their HIV prevention and AIDS support programs. Lifebeat reaches tens of thousands of young people each year with information and materials to make smarter decisions about their sexual health. In addition, they run a program called Hearts & Voices that provides live entertainment for HIV/AIDS patients in residential and day treatment facilities. For more complete details check out: http://lifebeat.org/programs/ Events like mine will be going on at many Borders across the country that night and you can check the schedule of events here. If you want to participate but your Borders isn't hosting an event, simply print this coupon and shop any Borders, Borders Express, or Waldenbooks in the US or shop online at Borders.com on December 1. If you purchase one of my books at the event, you won't need to print a coupon. I'm really hoping you guys will take a bit of time out of your busy holiday schedules to drop by and support such a worthy cause! And signed books make a great gift! On a personal note, I haven't done...

There's A Distinct Possibility...

... that certaint inhabitants feel I'm keeping the thermostat too low in this house. I'm sorry, did you say "purr" or "brrr?" In completely unrelated news, I may or may not have just warmed my hands with a hairdryer.

I, For One, Don't Get It

It's dark at 4:00 PM. But it's fifty-something degrees outside. Yet the neighbors are already decorated for Christmas. And Starbucks has brought out the red holiday cups. But my roses are still blooming. Now what? Do I deck the bushes with Christmas lights? This is all so confusing.