Winner! Or, Rather, Winners!! (Updated To Fix Personal Dumbassery)

Not to suck up or anything, but I'm pretty sure I have the funniest readers in the world. I absolutely loved your six-word stories. I laughed! I cried! They were better than Cats! (And about cats in some cases!) Seriously, reading these was like listening to the best mixed tape ever. You guys were all funny, funny, funny, then poignant, then totally relatable, then funny again. Thank you so much for participating. I had many so favorites along the way, some of which are: "Sneezed. Peed. Threw away the Spanx," by Beth Herron "A monkey could do my job," by Nancy Davis "'Reply' and 'Reply All' - big difference," by Kristin F "Best birth control - twins then triplets," by Alyssa Kinnersley "Small red Chinese coffin for possums," by Ak "We went to an amateur tattooist," by Amy "Wikipedia overload. Down the rabbit hole," by Sarah "Office by bathrooms. Too much information," by TC "Measuring walrus p-e-n-i-s. Adverntures in zookeeping," by Kate Faust (but the spelling it out part is all me) "This cubicle is where dreams die," by Pam M "'Free' cat. Hundreds later, apartment destroyed," by Joyce Novacek "Can creditors find me in Canada?" by Carolyn Baker "Finally completed remodel; just found termites," by Kate Foster "No, she said, shutting the door," by msicky "Girl cop. Boy speeds. Wedding bells," by Kathy And the winners because I couldn't decide are... "Dude, breast pump! Not a bong!" by Christy and "All my prom dates were gay," by Jennie Jennie,...