Lee St. John's Blog

September 28, 2020

Stupid is As Stupid Does - Georgia Version

Stupid is as Stupid Does – Georgia version
Fayette News
…or so says Forrest Gump.

There is a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. It is offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it. Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”

Last time, I wrote about New York’s idiotic laws still in the books. Today is Georgia’s turn. People have been living in Georgia since it was founded as an English Colony in 1773 and that means there are Georgia laws that potentially date back that far. Even though we may not know the origins of some of these laws, here are a few where you might either get a giggle or realize you are breaking a few without knowing it.

1. Gainesville, Georgia has an ordinance that requires you to eat fried chicken with your hands. Passed in 1961, it was a publicity stunt to promote Gainesville’s poultry industry. How could anyone enforce that today, you say? Well, in 2009 a 91-year-old woman visiting from Louisiana was arrested and charged with violating the ordinance. However, as luck would have it, Gainesville’s mayor was on hand to pardon her. The whole event was a practical joke organized by a friend of hers for her 91st birthday. Were you way ahead of me and thinking that was going to happen?

2. Acworth, Georgia’s residents are legally required to own a rake. Of course, the law doesn’t add that it is needed to be used once in a while in their yards. Would a rake be considered a weapon?

3. In Athens – Clarke County, it’s illegal to make a disturbing sound at a fair. What kind of disturbing sound? My all-boy family makes disturbing sounds all the time. Does that mean we will have to circumvent Clarke County when we are traveling Northeast to the Georgia mountains? If we don’t and we travel through the county, may I make a citizen’s arrest should I hear that sound from one of them?

4. It’s also a misdemeanor to keep a disorderly house. I guess I better not try to enforce #3 as they may turn the tables on me with this one.

5. Quitman, Georgia has made it illegal for chickens to cross the road. I guess those chicken will never fulfill their destiny or prophecy in the joke about them. Maybe the town was tired of seeing poultry owners’ chickens not in their own yards and visitors making comments about that singular joke.

6. Atlanta prohibits vaudeville performers from rendering “coarse jokes”. Well, first of all, who will define COARSE? And secondly, vaudeville? How old is this law?

7. In Marietta, it’s illegal to spit in a public building. Never knew Marietta had such a problem. Are visitors to the buildings still chewing tabbackie? Are there not spittoons?

Are these laws something we should be wary and worried about today? Are these considered first-world problems? You know what first world problems are, right? They are relatively trivial or minor problems or frustrations (implying a contrast with serious problems such as those that may be experienced in the developing world). But as we’ve heard, it’s easier to make a law than it is to retrieve it from existence.

Think of all the pork barrel legislation that goes on. Pork barrel is a metaphor for the appropriation of government spending for localized projects secured solely or primarily to bring money to a representative's district. The usage originated in American English. Scholars use it as a technical term regarding legislative control of local appropriations.

Do we know what is in those pork barrel projects being accepted under our noses? They might just be crazy like any one of the above or in the doozies next week. Stay tuned.
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Published on September 28, 2020 12:56 Tags: humor, state-laws, vintage-archaic-real-government

August 15, 2020

Stupid Is As Stupid Does - New York Version

…or so says Forrest Gump.

Fayette News

There is even a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. Offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it. Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”

Even worse, there are still blue laws on the books that show up which appear stupid today. But first …why are they called Blue Laws? Many reference books say that the laws were called “blue” because they were first printed on blue paper. However, historians have said that the term is more likely to be derived from the use of the word “blue” to mean “rigidly moral” and date back to first prohibiting activities on Sundays under the reign of Roman Emperor, Constantine in the year 321.

New Yorkers are still saddled with dozens of anachronistic laws that today seem staggeringly stupid. It’s easy to pass laws regulating people’s behavior but is very difficult to repeal those laws. Among the city and state’s lamest laws:

1. It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s face. A person is guilty of “offensive exhibition” if they operate a public event where a person is “voluntarily submitting to indignities such as the throwing of balls …at one’s head or body.” The law’s origins appears to protect carnies from abusive bosses. Other sections outlaw “propelling” knives at a person, or making them ride a bike or dance “without respite for more than 8 hours.”

2. It is illegal to sell cat or dog hair. A statute that’s part of the state’s anti-cruelty provisions makes it a crime to “import, sell, offer for sale … transport or otherwise market” dog or cat fur. But guess what you can traffic? Coyote, fox, lynx, or bobcat fur.

3. Flirting can result in a $25 fine. Flutter your eye lashes with flirtatious intent and be prepared to cough up a 25 bucks. This is why this statute can only be from the north. This behavior has Southern DNA written all over it. This mannerism would have the jails below the Mason-Dixon line so overcrowded with flirtatious females because we’ve been trained at an early age to flirt.

4. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. If cops ever cracked down on this law, half of Brooklyn would be in jail. However, luckily many states are revoking this band because this once sight for sore eyes is now considered to be eco-friendly. Lucky you, Alabama.

5. No taking selfies with tigers. Say what? Well, since 2014 this law has been on the books with a $500 fine to prevent maulings since there were two in the last ten years when the public was allowed to cozy up to big cats because of county fairs or when traveling circuses came to town.

6. It’s against the law to run a puppet show in a window. I know you’d want to, but don’t even think about it. $25 fine and 30 days in jail.

7. You may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in your pocket. Theoretically, sweet-toothed outlaws would pocket their vanilla cones to hide them from passing policemen. This idea is so uncomfortable I can’t mock it any more than what it already is.

And this is why I started this essay:
8. It’s illegal for two or more mask-wearing people to congregate in public. This law has been in existence since 1845 “when tenant farmers, in response to a lowering of wheat prices, dressed up” as Native Americans and “covered their faces with masks in order to attack the police anonymously.”

I don’t think they are enforcing this penal code in New York.
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Published on August 15, 2020 12:33

June 24, 2020

Dear Class of 2020

From the Fayette News, Fayetteville, Georgia

Dear Class of 2020,

Congratulations to all high school graduates! Fifty years ago, I, too, was a Senior in high school, although not graduating until 1971. Nonetheless, in 1970, I was in my last academic year of high school. Now that I have the perspective of fifty years and especially as a retired educator, please let me take a moment to offer a few thoughts.

Even under these extreme circumstances, I know you all are proud to receive your diplomas. You have not left school behind, really, because you are now entering “Life School.” You are about to enter the largest school of all. And I am not speaking of Georgia’s oldest institution of higher learning, the University of Georgia (38,920 enrollment), Georgia State University (53,000+ enrollment) , Georgia Tech (36,489 enrollment), or one of the youngest and yet third largest school in the state, Kennesaw State University (almost 38,000 enrollment).

You are entering the school of life. Instead of classrooms, you’ll have offices, factories, and other professions. Instead of teachers, faculty, and administrators, you’ll have superiors, supervisors, business, and religious leaders of the community. Exams and grades will not be held at regular schedules like what you are accustomed to, but there will be exams and your “grades” will be posted for everyone to see.

You will find all of school in life. It will take doing your homework to be successful. You’ll find surprise quizzes when sudden problems arise and require mature judgment. The school spirit you once had for your hometown school will now be for America itself. The extracurricular activities which you enjoyed so much will now be based around your future families and social get-togethers.

Our school board cannot provide you with a routine graduation ceremony during this pandemic. You are the Seniors born the year of the September 11, 2001 terror attacks – the morning when there were four coordinated attacks by the Islamic terrorist group al-Qaeda against the United States. Those of us who remember 9/11 had our world changed forever as your world was just beginning. Now this virus has affected us, and you, again. You can still be genuinely proud of your accomplishments and know with all your reserve, the commodity not needed for immediate use but available if required, will go with you for any future contest, conflict, or dispute. Your graduating class is made of strong stuff.

Don’t forget that the next “school bell” that rings will find you “in class” for the “required course” in ADULTHOOD, where the tests you are given will determine your future forever! So be glad that you’ve passed high school but remember not to flunk your future.

With Regards,
Lee St. John #1 Amazon Humor Writer
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Published on June 24, 2020 07:47

April 3, 2020

Back to the Future

Fayette News

Back to the Future

On February 19, 2020, more than a dozen people set out on a twenty-five day adventure rafting the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. When they left, the Democratic debate in Las Vegas was to be held that evening with Bernie Sanders having a double-digit lead. In mainland China, cases of coronavirus were showing signs of decline.
Their enterprise came to an end on March 21 with a disturbing reality. As they paddled to shore for the last time, the first other human being they’d encountered in nearly a month asked this question, “Have you had any contact with the outside world?”

The group shrugged and said no. Then the man sighed and continued while rolling his eyes, “The world is going crazy. You’ve got a lot to hear. The stock market crashed, toilet paper is out everywhere, Italy closed its border, and the NBA isn’t doing games anymore.”

Imagine hearing all that after twenty-five days of being off the grid. I found some other headlines that these rafters also missed and might catch their interest. All are true but one. Can you guess which one is not real?

Planters made an announcement in late January on Twitter: Mr. Peanut died. You know the one…that cartoon peanut with a top hat and monocle. Mr. Peanut, according to the ad they released, sacrificed himself after a car crash to save his friends. The announcement was shocking but the reaction to it was more shocking because of the reactions to it: people loved that Mr. Peanut died. They hoped he roasted in hell. His death was celebrated all over the internet. There was cheering in the streets. Who would have thought people cared about Mr. Peanut that much. That would have a big shock coming back to reality with that news, too.

Here’s another surprise for the group. People all over the world stepped up to donate to Australia’s cause of dealing with devastating wildfires. Kaylen Ward, one enterprising woman, went above and beyond by sending nude photos to anyone who donated at least $10 to the organizations working to put out the fires. All she asked was to send proof that you donated. And guess what? She raised over $1 million and she gave herself a new nickname: the “Naked Philanthropist”.

Hey, Rafters – would you believe this? There have been mysterious sightings of swarms of drones in the sky over Colorado and Nebraska. Those reporting this development claim they are “as big as cars, flying in groups in grid patterns at night.” Authorities expressed that there is nothing weird about the flying objects. Of course, conspiracy theories proliferated with some believing in aliens while others are convinced it’s the military and they are not admitting to any of it. So, mysterious UFO sightings start this decade and while you were rafting, you failed to hear about it.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met up backstage at the 2020 SAG awards where they were both winners in the respective categories and where the paparazzi went crazy trying to tie them back together after fifteen years apart. Rumors started flying as they were photographed together being rather cozy as many body language experts noticed. This will make great fodder for the remaining year.

And finally, how surprised will these adventurists be once they face reality and find their own toilet paper shortage. But never fear. If they are traumatized, all they have to do is call Stanley Morgan of Morgan & Morgan Attorney at Law to see if they may be entitled to compensation!
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Published on April 03, 2020 14:01

March 4, 2020

Give You a Minute to Mullet It Over

Hey, y’all.

Do you remember the 1980s and the mullet haircut? You may have worn one yourself. Don’t feel embarrassed. Well, maybe you should if someone pulls out some old-timey picture of you with one. Don’t feel bad. You were in good company - George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Paul McCartney, Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Bolton, and many more had that same hairdo. Today Billy Ray Cyrus and Rod Stewart still keep theirs.

What say? Some of you do not know what the mullet is? There is even a book, THE MULLET: Hairstyle of the Gods by Mark Larson for you to read and reminisce about your previous haircut…or educate some of you if you have not been exposed to that ‘do’ of the 1980s. If you are not aware what a mullet hairstyle is, the mullet-cut is a style in which the hair is short at the front coupled with a long mane in the back. Let’s be real – it’s really just a neck beard! The mullet has been making people ugly since the dawn of time. Think of the Geico Caveman commercial. I’ll give you a minute to mullet it over.

Also think about Samson and his story from the Bible. Samson’s long hair served a purpose and if it was ever cut, he would lose his strength. Many of the Biblical movies from the 20th century had the men of the Bible wear the mullets.

There are some celebrities who continue to own one: Billy Ray Cyrus and Rod Stewart come to mind. And do you wonder why they keep the same haircut? My guess is they know the secret of never looking old in pictures. Can anyone say with certainty, “Is that picture of Billy Ray from the 1980s or 2000s?” or “That Rod Stewart never seems to age.” Well, that’s because he has always looked old. You really can’t tell. And that’s the point. Keep the same do and you never grow old in pictures.

The celebrities that moved on did so sooner than later but then there was Michael Bolton! He kept his style a little too long. Man his was ugly as homemade sin. I don’t know why there is the saying, “Business up front. Party in the back.” But I do believe that it’s true to say the mullet blocks the sun, therefore you can’t get a red neck.

Did President Trump have a partial-mullet in the 1980s? I know his was long in front but it was longer in back. But weren’t most everyone you knew in that decade carrying this cut? He was no different trying to be stylish, but whoever told him that hairdo looked good, lied. Not even Chuck Norris or Joe Dirt can pull this ‘do’ off.

Women were just as bad: Ellen Degeneres, had one. Florence Henderson just about beats all of the women who ever had a mullet. You know her…the mom from the 1970s Brady Bunch TV show? Bless their hearts.

I think if you keep the same style cut you never look old. Think back on Doris Day, Princess Grace, and Audrey Hepburn. Today those still looking young with the same cut are: Halle Berry, Julianne Moore, Sandra Bullock, and Jennifer Aniston.

And maybe Donald Trump.
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Published on March 04, 2020 07:30

February 7, 2020

A Senior Moment

A Senior Moment

Fayette News

Dear Windsor, Cornwall, and Cambridge HRH families,

I have applied on your website for the position of Senior Royal now that the Duke of Sussex and his wife have decided to step down from their official duties to the crown. I became a Senior when I turned 65, therefore, I have one year experience, although some days I feel like I have more experience than others.

Even though I live “across the pond”, I am one of the best Anglophiles. Here are my credentials:
1. I know my English royal history well. I know who did what to whom and when, where, and why it happened, especially during your family’s Tudor reign. I live in a Tudor Revival home, therefore surrounded with reminders every day of the Tudor architecture and influences.
2. My Ancestry.com profile has placed my relations very close to royal blood since the 1600s. When I say close, my people probably hung with yours as their minions.
3. I am a card-carrying Oxfordian. There are people in your country that probably don’t know what that is, yet, here I am, an American and I am familiar with it. I mention this because I read that the Prince of Wales sympathizes with this theory as I am hoping for some brownie points regarding the authorship of Shakespeare.
4. I’ve subscribed to “Majesty Magazine” for well over twenty years and have saved every issue because I am a (pack-rat) collector. Because of this if there is something I am supposed to know but don’t remember reading (doubtful), I can refer to my back issues.
5. My mother, a history teacher, told this story many times: when she was due to give birth to me, Queen Elizabeth II’s coronation was to be televised. She worried she might miss coronation day. She was able to see it. I came along five days later. Therefore, I feel I have a special relationship with the Queen since our families had celebrations in June, 1953.
6. I awoke in the early morning of July 29, 1981 to see the Prince Charles and Diana’s wedding ceremony live on television. Mother and I were in London when Prince William was born on June 21, 1982 and again I awoke early for William and Catherine’s wedding. I’m respectful by writing Catherine and not Kate even spelling it correctly.
7. My middle name is ELIZABETH.
8. When William’s wedding to Catherine Middleton on April 29, 2011 at Westminster Abbey was a topic many were interested in, I decided to have a little fun with this. A month before the wedding, I wrote on my Facebook page that I was “invited to the ceremony. My invitation and ticket to enter the cathedral came in the mail today.” As Royals, y’all know this wasn’t ludicrous because Will and Catherine did extend a few invitations to commoners for their upcoming nuptials. As a modern couple wishing to modernize the monarchy by having all kinds of people represented there, who better to invite than this Anglophile-know-it-all? It was (un)believable.

Having been to Westminster Abbey, I remembered the layout. I wrote on Facebook that my ticket said I would be sitting in alcove “E”, row 17, and seat number 32. I remarked that I was “totally surprised to be one of the ‘regular/commoner’ guests who applied to be invited to the wedding.”

My friends knew how gaga I was over all y’all but still most knew it was a hoax. One social media friend was fooled. Excited, she wrote profusely on Facebook to make sure I memorized every detail of the wedding so that I could relay it to her when I came home.

See? I even have that impish streak, should you miss that comic relief in your family without Harry. Unlike Harry, I have respect for long lasting institutions and also as a Senior I have begun not to care what other people think.

I’d be honored if y’all chose me to be the newest Senior royal.

I know how to curtsy correctly but not sure I can give up saying “y’all”,
Lee St. John
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Published on February 07, 2020 12:10 Tags: anglophile, humor, pranks, royal-family

January 13, 2020

OBie's NY's Resolutions

OBie’s New Year’s Resolutions

On Mondays, I host a Facebook Book Club. Well, I don’t really host it, my dog, OBie, does. It is for all ages but the titles are absurd, yet real, book titles that actually exist on Amazon. OBie and I discuss this ridiculousness with humour.

Since this past week’s book title, which really wasn’t at all bad this time, was entitled, Shante Keys and the New Year’s Peas, it got OBie and me thinking about making resolutions in the new year. Do you make them and more importantly, do you keep them?

OBie had a few of his he shared at the book club meeting. He wanted you to know about them should you have a dog, or heaven forbid a cat (Just kidding! I miss my sidekick, Boo) and want to discuss with your pet about what kind of behaviors you want changed in the coming year. Here is OBie’s list. See if you can relate to them if you own a dog.

1. I will try not to bark each time I hear a door bell ring…on TV! (Or as my parents say when the bell goes off at the beginning of a round on Wheel of Fortune).

2. I will take my doggie pills without spitting them back out but only if they are wrapped in peanut butter or another yummy treat.

3. This one gets my goose: I am not going to feel bad should I pass gas around my immediate family. My dad does it and he doesn’t feel bad. As a matter of fact, he laughs about it. And to think he is my role model.

4. I will try to become best friends and not bark too much like before at the mailman, mail-woman, or anyone else delivering packages or comes up to knock at our front door. We have a glass front door and it is so tempting to make sure they hear me. I am trying to protect my family and after all, they do leave soon after I start barking. And do I ever get thanked for that? No.

5. If I get sick in the middle of the night, I will try my best to make it to the tile area in the bathroom and not have an accident on my mama’s expensive oriental rugs. I know she’ll like this resolution.

6. I will be less afraid of the vacuum or other things that make loud noises. Right now, I am working on the street sweeper that cleans up our street once a week around five o’clock a.m. It has such a high pitch, it really bothers me. I can’t promise getting over fire works on the Fourth of July or New Year’s Eve, though. My parents will still have to comfort me at those times for sure.

7. My mama and daddy are lucky I do not have to make a resolution about eating my poop or any other dog, cat, baby, or others’ poop. To think I have some dog friends who do that! That’s just gross. I am a gentleman.

8. But, I still will not like my parents coming home from visiting another’s home that owns a dog and smelling like their dog. It breaks my heart. Why couldn’t I have gone with them? What were they doing without me? I love them so much, I might be a little jealous.
I’ll keep you updated on my progress. Do you think I can keep these promises? Oh, and by the way…my mama and daddy are superstitious and enjoyed their collards, black eyes-peas, cornbread, pork, creamed corn, coleslaw, and carrot salad. I guess we really top off every new year with all these habits to cover our bases against any bad luck for the upcoming year.

Lee St. John was selected as Erma Bombeck’s Writers’ Workshop Humor Writer of the month for January 2020. Her instincts of making sure she continued with her family's NYDay meal of good fortune helped seal the deal for this award! Don't forget to serve yours for next year's good fortune!
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Published on January 13, 2020 12:28 Tags: ebww, humor, miniatureschnauzers, newyear2020

December 3, 2019

My Top 2 Mascot Picks

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

After enjoying the 105 absurd and mostly ridiculous mascots in the nation to mock, I did come across two that I thought might be more competitive with our school representatives. Here are my top two choices. Why don’t you help me decide which of the two you might pick.

1. ZIPPY - the female kangaroo mascot of the University of Akron. This mascot ranges in size from between three and eight feet tall and weighing 40 to 200 pounds. Kangaroos have powerful hind legs, large feet, and a strong tail and are the only large animals to use hopping as their main means of locomotion. The short forelimbs are used almost like human arms and tend to spar in defense. Males are used to fighting by biting, kicking, and boxing to defend themselves against predators. They have been known to disembowel dogs and humans. Females have pouches. They live in large groups called mobs. The kangaroo moves forward a distance of six feet six inches with each jump. However, when fleeing from a predator on flat ground without any obstacles, a single jump is able to cover a distance of almost 30 feet and height of nine feet ten inches.

Let’s set the stage for the fight: With their powerful legs and feet, their large feet, their weight and height, they also have a tail that might be used for a third leg, although scrawny in comparison, and their arms can be used for knocking the ball out of the oppositions control. Males might be penalized for biting, kicking, and boxing, but they also might get in one or two powerful jabs before the refs catch on. Females can hide footballs in their pouches. Think of all those trick plays! And when pursued on the playing field, can out-jump and out-run their predators in seconds flat.

1. ROWDY – the roadrunner mascot of California State University at Bakersfield, Metropolitan State University of Denver, and the University of Texas at San Antonio. A speckled bird, they will usually only fly to escape predators because their tremendous speed works well for them. With strong feet, their head and tail are in a flat line with the tail used as a rudder and they can run at speeds of up to 20 miles per hour. They need the speed against predators. Aware and intelligent, they scan what is going on around them before making a step.

With that being said, Warner Brothers Looney Tunes Cartoon Series introduced Road Runner to American audiences with a coyote (Wile E. Coyote) continually in frustrated hot pursuit of him. Wile E. Coyote schemes to trap Road Runner with the help of products from the fictitious Acme company, however, each attempt backfires because of the company’s chronic product unreliability or his own ineptitude. Road Runner is never captured. Wile E. might be humiliated, he is never harmed.

Let’s set the stage: Is there really a fight? Since they are aware and intelligent (hence outsmarting Wile E. Coyote and his gameplans), we may chase a roadrunner but I doubt any of our mascots and players are running at 20 miles an hour.

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Published on December 03, 2019 06:07

November 23, 2019

No Surprises Here, part 6

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. We’ve been doing this now for four weeks. Who is still with me? Continuing in alphabetical order let’s see this next-to-the-last week’s examples:

1. Riptide – the costumed pelican mascot of Tulane University. Let’s see how tough they really are on the playing field. Here’s their description: they have strong legs, webbed feet, and swim well. Thought to be related to boobies. ‘Nuff said.
2. Roxie – a costumed female Greyhound mascot for Eastern New Mexico University. Although the fastest of all dog breeds, they are sprinters, not built for endurance, and then are content to sleep for the rest of the day after they have exploded into the arena. They are sensitive and prefer peace, quiet, and soft-spoken people. Does not do well in an environment with chronic tension or loud voices. Wait a minute – first of all this mascot is female, fine with me, but have we seen many female football players at the collegiate level? If she’s strong enough to take it, good for her. But since this mascot is sensitive, doesn’t like tension, or loud voices, if the strength on the field doesn’t overtake this sleeping beauty, the stadium environment will.
3. Sam the Minuteman – Massachusetts Minutemen and Minutewomen mascot. These Minutemen were farmers (and their wives, I suppose) who were supposed to be ready to fight at a minute’s notice because they just happened to have a gun or two lying around. Yeah, well, in these times that ain’t gonna happen. There are signs posted all over school campuses that read: Guns are prohibited. ZERO tolerance. They’ll be arrested in a minute, that’s for sure.
4. Sammy the Seagull – mascot of Salisbury University. I mean, a seagull. Really? Is a seagull a predator? No, it’s a scavenger - a bird or animal that feeds on dead animals that it has not killed itself. So, there you go.

It gets worse:

5. Sammy the slug – a banana slug is the mascot of the University of California Santa Cruz. Sammy was named Reader’s Digest Best college mascot for 2004. Santa Cruz may not be close to Mexico, but somebody is putting something in the drinking water over there and it may be more than tequila. I’d feel sluggish too after a few tequila shots.
6. Scrappy – the costumed mockingbird mascot of the Chattanooga Mocs of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. They can mock the SEC mascots all they want but you know the rhyme about “Sticks and Stones”: Words will never hurt us.”
7. Shadow - the costumed mascot of Monmouth University. How do you costume a shadow anyway?
8. Skully – the giant parrot sidekick of the Millersville University Marauder. Overheard squawking “The SEC mascots are squiffies, matey. Just scallywags and son-of-a-biscuit-eaters, they are. Nothing but bilge rats. Now let’s call it a day and go have ourselves a grog.”
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Published on November 23, 2019 07:16 Tags: bestseller-bestselling-author, football, humor, mascots, sec

October 30, 2019

No Surprises Here, part 5

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. In alphabetical order, here is the remainder of the bunch:

The Stanford Tree – a dancing conifer of indeterminate species is the official mascot of Stanford Band and the unofficial mascot of Stanford University. I wouldn’t claim a dancing tree either. Imagine this “thing” on the football field. What kind of dancing does a tree do, anyway? Sway back and forth? I can’t think of a dance name it could do and win a football game. The jerk? The pony? The twist?
Sycamore Sam – the happy forest animal costume of no particular species but looks like a blue fox or dog. Mascot of the Indiana State Sycamores. No one knows what this animal is but it just stays happy all the same. And why isn’t it a tree instead of some non-descriptive happy animal? The real match up should be the Stanford Tree vs. The Sycamore Tree. Now that would be a sight. Did they get into Dartmoth’s Keggy the Keg juice since one just dances around and the other one is happy all the time. Something’s not right about this.
Terrible Swede – a costumed mascot of Bethany College in Kansas. Oh, so instead of putting the word ‘fighting’ in front of this mascot name, they use ‘terrible’. If I were a Swede, I’d be offended just like the Native Americans were opposed to using the their name and image for the Washington Redskins. What would Erik the Red or Leif Erickson’s ancestors say?
Testudo – a costumed Diamondback Terrapin of the University of Maryland College Park. Unless they send in their female team who tend to grow larger, the male terrapins don’t stand a chance. Oh, and let me say, the females grow to about 7.5 inches to the male’s 5.1 inch size. Now there’s a BIG difference.
Thresher – the threshing stone mascot of Bethel College. What is a threshing stone you ask? It’s a roller-like tool used for threshing wheat and pulled by horses. Horses! It needs horses to move it’s immovable self around. Ridiculous.
Vixen – the mascot of Sweet Briar College. A female fox or a spiteful or quarrelsome woman. Boy, what if a male had come up with this mascot name – I can hear it now – “Misogynist”! I can’t see a bunch of women with these traits wanting to play football in the first place. They’d be arguing the ref’s calls all the time. Well, that’s how I see it. But I am just “Sexist”.
WebstUR – the spider mascot of the Richmond spiders. Unless they are poisonous, I don’t see their threat.
Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat – the married costumed mascots of the University of Arizona. So in love, they must be domesticated therefore, non-threatening. Give them twenty years of marriage and then see if they are more hostile on the field…or each other.
WuShock – an anthropomorphic shock of wheat. Mascot of Wichita State University. Shocking!
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Published on October 30, 2019 14:16 Tags: bestseller-bestselling-author, football, humor, mascots, sec