Lee St. John's Blog, page 5

A Senior Moment

A Senior Moment

Fayette News

Dear Windsor, Cornwall, and Cambridge HRH families,

I have applied on your website for the position of Senior Royal now that the Duke of Sussex and his wife have decided to step down from their official duties to the crown. I became a Senior when I turned 65, therefore, I have one year experience, although some days I feel like I have more experience than others.

Even though I live “across the pond”, I am one of the best Anglophiles. Here are my credentials:
1. I know my English royal history well. I know who did what to whom and when, where, and why it happened, especially during your family’s Tudor reign. I live in a Tudor Revival home, therefore surrounded with reminders every day of the Tudor architecture and influences.
2. My Ancestry.com profile has placed my relations very close to royal blood since the 1600s. When I say close, my people probably hung with yours as their minions.
3. I am a card-carrying Oxfordian. There are people in your country that probably don’t know what that is, yet, here I am, an American and I am familiar with it. I mention this because I read that the Prince of Wales sympathizes with this theory as I am hoping for some brownie points regarding the authorship of Shakespeare.
4. I’ve subscribed to “Majesty Magazine” for well over twenty years and have saved every issue because I am a (pack-rat) collector. Because of this if there is something I am supposed to know but don’t remember reading (doubtful), I can refer to my back issues.
5. My mother, a history teacher, told this story many times: when she was due to give birth to me, Queen Elizabeth II’s coronation was to be televised. She worried she might miss coronation day. She was able to see it. I came along five days later. Therefore, I feel I have a special relationship with the Queen since our families had celebrations in June, 1953.
6. I awoke in the early morning of July 29, 1981 to see the Prince Charles and Diana’s wedding ceremony live on television. Mother and I were in London when Prince William was born on June 21, 1982 and again I awoke early for William and Catherine’s wedding. I’m respectful by writing Catherine and not Kate even spelling it correctly.
7. My middle name is ELIZABETH.
8. When William’s wedding to Catherine Middleton on April 29, 2011 at Westminster Abbey was a topic many were interested in, I decided to have a little fun with this. A month before the wedding, I wrote on my Facebook page that I was “invited to the ceremony. My invitation and ticket to enter the cathedral came in the mail today.” As Royals, y’all know this wasn’t ludicrous because Will and Catherine did extend a few invitations to commoners for their upcoming nuptials. As a modern couple wishing to modernize the monarchy by having all kinds of people represented there, who better to invite than this Anglophile-know-it-all? It was (un)believable.

Having been to Westminster Abbey, I remembered the layout. I wrote on Facebook that my ticket said I would be sitting in alcove “E”, row 17, and seat number 32. I remarked that I was “totally surprised to be one of the ‘regular/commoner’ guests who applied to be invited to the wedding.”

My friends knew how gaga I was over all y’all but still most knew it was a hoax. One social media friend was fooled. Excited, she wrote profusely on Facebook to make sure I memorized every detail of the wedding so that I could relay it to her when I came home.

See? I even have that impish streak, should you miss that comic relief in your family without Harry. Unlike Harry, I have respect for long lasting institutions and also as a Senior I have begun not to care what other people think.

I’d be honored if y’all chose me to be the newest Senior royal.

I know how to curtsy correctly but not sure I can give up saying “y’all”,
Lee St. John

OBie's NY's Resolutions

OBie’s New Year’s Resolutions

On Mondays, I host a Facebook Book Club. Well, I don’t really host it, my dog, OBie, does. It is for all ages but the titles are absurd, yet real, book titles that actually exist on Amazon. OBie and I discuss this ridiculousness with humour.

Since this past week’s book title, which really wasn’t at all bad this time, was entitled, Shante Keys and the New Year’s Peas, it got OBie and me thinking about making resolutions in the new year. Do you make them and more importantly, do you keep them?

OBie had a few of his he shared at the book club meeting. He wanted you to know about them should you have a dog, or heaven forbid a cat (Just kidding! I miss my sidekick, Boo) and want to discuss with your pet about what kind of behaviors you want changed in the coming year. Here is OBie’s list. See if you can relate to them if you own a dog.

1. I will try not to bark each time I hear a door bell ring…on TV! (Or as my parents say when the bell goes off at the beginning of a round on Wheel of Fortune).

2. I will take my doggie pills without spitting them back out but only if they are wrapped in peanut butter or another yummy treat.

3. This one gets my goose: I am not going to feel bad should I pass gas around my immediate family. My dad does it and he doesn’t feel bad. As a matter of fact, he laughs about it. And to think he is my role model.

4. I will try to become best friends and not bark too much like before at the mailman, mail-woman, or anyone else delivering packages or comes up to knock at our front door. We have a glass front door and it is so tempting to make sure they hear me. I am trying to protect my family and after all, they do leave soon after I start barking. And do I ever get thanked for that? No.

5. If I get sick in the middle of the night, I will try my best to make it to the tile area in the bathroom and not have an accident on my mama’s expensive oriental rugs. I know she’ll like this resolution.

6. I will be less afraid of the vacuum or other things that make loud noises. Right now, I am working on the street sweeper that cleans up our street once a week around five o’clock a.m. It has such a high pitch, it really bothers me. I can’t promise getting over fire works on the Fourth of July or New Year’s Eve, though. My parents will still have to comfort me at those times for sure.

7. My mama and daddy are lucky I do not have to make a resolution about eating my poop or any other dog, cat, baby, or others’ poop. To think I have some dog friends who do that! That’s just gross. I am a gentleman.

8. But, I still will not like my parents coming home from visiting another’s home that owns a dog and smelling like their dog. It breaks my heart. Why couldn’t I have gone with them? What were they doing without me? I love them so much, I might be a little jealous.
I’ll keep you updated on my progress. Do you think I can keep these promises? Oh, and by the way…my mama and daddy are superstitious and enjoyed their collards, black eyes-peas, cornbread, pork, creamed corn, coleslaw, and carrot salad. I guess we really top off every new year with all these habits to cover our bases against any bad luck for the upcoming year.


Lee St. John was selected as Erma Bombeck’s Writers’ Workshop Humor Writer of the month for January 2020. Her instincts of making sure she continued with her family's NYDay meal of good fortune helped seal the deal for this award! Don't forget to serve yours for next year's good fortune!

My Top 2 Mascot Picks

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

After enjoying the 105 absurd and mostly ridiculous mascots in the nation to mock, I did come across two that I thought might be more competitive with our school representatives. Here are my top two choices. Why don’t you help me decide which of the two you might pick.

1. ZIPPY - the female kangaroo mascot of the University of Akron. This mascot ranges in size from between three and eight feet tall and weighing 40 to 200 pounds. Kangaroos have powerful hind legs, large feet, and a strong tail and are the only large animals to use hopping as their main means of locomotion. The short forelimbs are used almost like human arms and tend to spar in defense. Males are used to fighting by biting, kicking, and boxing to defend themselves against predators. They have been known to disembowel dogs and humans. Females have pouches. They live in large groups called mobs. The kangaroo moves forward a distance of six feet six inches with each jump. However, when fleeing from a predator on flat ground without any obstacles, a single jump is able to cover a distance of almost 30 feet and height of nine feet ten inches.

Let’s set the stage for the fight: With their powerful legs and feet, their large feet, their weight and height, they also have a tail that might be used for a third leg, although scrawny in comparison, and their arms can be used for knocking the ball out of the oppositions control. Males might be penalized for biting, kicking, and boxing, but they also might get in one or two powerful jabs before the refs catch on. Females can hide footballs in their pouches. Think of all those trick plays! And when pursued on the playing field, can out-jump and out-run their predators in seconds flat.


1. ROWDY – the roadrunner mascot of California State University at Bakersfield, Metropolitan State University of Denver, and the University of Texas at San Antonio. A speckled bird, they will usually only fly to escape predators because their tremendous speed works well for them. With strong feet, their head and tail are in a flat line with the tail used as a rudder and they can run at speeds of up to 20 miles per hour. They need the speed against predators. Aware and intelligent, they scan what is going on around them before making a step.

With that being said, Warner Brothers Looney Tunes Cartoon Series introduced Road Runner to American audiences with a coyote (Wile E. Coyote) continually in frustrated hot pursuit of him. Wile E. Coyote schemes to trap Road Runner with the help of products from the fictitious Acme company, however, each attempt backfires because of the company’s chronic product unreliability or his own ineptitude. Road Runner is never captured. Wile E. might be humiliated, he is never harmed.

Let’s set the stage: Is there really a fight? Since they are aware and intelligent (hence outsmarting Wile E. Coyote and his gameplans), we may chase a roadrunner but I doubt any of our mascots and players are running at 20 miles an hour.

BEEP! BEEP!

No Surprises Here, part 6

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. We’ve been doing this now for four weeks. Who is still with me? Continuing in alphabetical order let’s see this next-to-the-last week’s examples:

1. Riptide – the costumed pelican mascot of Tulane University. Let’s see how tough they really are on the playing field. Here’s their description: they have strong legs, webbed feet, and swim well. Thought to be related to boobies. ‘Nuff said.
2. Roxie – a costumed female Greyhound mascot for Eastern New Mexico University. Although the fastest of all dog breeds, they are sprinters, not built for endurance, and then are content to sleep for the rest of the day after they have exploded into the arena. They are sensitive and prefer peace, quiet, and soft-spoken people. Does not do well in an environment with chronic tension or loud voices. Wait a minute – first of all this mascot is female, fine with me, but have we seen many female football players at the collegiate level? If she’s strong enough to take it, good for her. But since this mascot is sensitive, doesn’t like tension, or loud voices, if the strength on the field doesn’t overtake this sleeping beauty, the stadium environment will.
3. Sam the Minuteman – Massachusetts Minutemen and Minutewomen mascot. These Minutemen were farmers (and their wives, I suppose) who were supposed to be ready to fight at a minute’s notice because they just happened to have a gun or two lying around. Yeah, well, in these times that ain’t gonna happen. There are signs posted all over school campuses that read: Guns are prohibited. ZERO tolerance. They’ll be arrested in a minute, that’s for sure.
4. Sammy the Seagull – mascot of Salisbury University. I mean, a seagull. Really? Is a seagull a predator? No, it’s a scavenger - a bird or animal that feeds on dead animals that it has not killed itself. So, there you go.

It gets worse:

5. Sammy the slug – a banana slug is the mascot of the University of California Santa Cruz. Sammy was named Reader’s Digest Best college mascot for 2004. Santa Cruz may not be close to Mexico, but somebody is putting something in the drinking water over there and it may be more than tequila. I’d feel sluggish too after a few tequila shots.
6. Scrappy – the costumed mockingbird mascot of the Chattanooga Mocs of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. They can mock the SEC mascots all they want but you know the rhyme about “Sticks and Stones”: Words will never hurt us.”
7. Shadow - the costumed mascot of Monmouth University. How do you costume a shadow anyway?
8. Skully – the giant parrot sidekick of the Millersville University Marauder. Overheard squawking “The SEC mascots are squiffies, matey. Just scallywags and son-of-a-biscuit-eaters, they are. Nothing but bilge rats. Now let’s call it a day and go have ourselves a grog.”

No Surprises Here, part 5

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. In alphabetical order, here is the remainder of the bunch:

The Stanford Tree – a dancing conifer of indeterminate species is the official mascot of Stanford Band and the unofficial mascot of Stanford University. I wouldn’t claim a dancing tree either. Imagine this “thing” on the football field. What kind of dancing does a tree do, anyway? Sway back and forth? I can’t think of a dance name it could do and win a football game. The jerk? The pony? The twist?
Sycamore Sam – the happy forest animal costume of no particular species but looks like a blue fox or dog. Mascot of the Indiana State Sycamores. No one knows what this animal is but it just stays happy all the same. And why isn’t it a tree instead of some non-descriptive happy animal? The real match up should be the Stanford Tree vs. The Sycamore Tree. Now that would be a sight. Did they get into Dartmoth’s Keggy the Keg juice since one just dances around and the other one is happy all the time. Something’s not right about this.
Terrible Swede – a costumed mascot of Bethany College in Kansas. Oh, so instead of putting the word ‘fighting’ in front of this mascot name, they use ‘terrible’. If I were a Swede, I’d be offended just like the Native Americans were opposed to using the their name and image for the Washington Redskins. What would Erik the Red or Leif Erickson’s ancestors say?
Testudo – a costumed Diamondback Terrapin of the University of Maryland College Park. Unless they send in their female team who tend to grow larger, the male terrapins don’t stand a chance. Oh, and let me say, the females grow to about 7.5 inches to the male’s 5.1 inch size. Now there’s a BIG difference.
Thresher – the threshing stone mascot of Bethel College. What is a threshing stone you ask? It’s a roller-like tool used for threshing wheat and pulled by horses. Horses! It needs horses to move it’s immovable self around. Ridiculous.
Vixen – the mascot of Sweet Briar College. A female fox or a spiteful or quarrelsome woman. Boy, what if a male had come up with this mascot name – I can hear it now – “Misogynist”! I can’t see a bunch of women with these traits wanting to play football in the first place. They’d be arguing the ref’s calls all the time. Well, that’s how I see it. But I am just “Sexist”.
WebstUR – the spider mascot of the Richmond spiders. Unless they are poisonous, I don’t see their threat.
Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat – the married costumed mascots of the University of Arizona. So in love, they must be domesticated therefore, non-threatening. Give them twenty years of marriage and then see if they are more hostile on the field…or each other.
WuShock – an anthropomorphic shock of wheat. Mascot of Wichita State University. Shocking!

No Surprises Here, part 4

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. We’ve been doing this now for three weeks. Continuing in alphabetical order let’s see this week’s examples:
1. Mortimer the Gopher – mascot of Goucher College. Seldom above ground and liking moist soil, they burrow then tunnel their way where the soil is softer and will visit vegetable gardens, lawns, or farms. Any SEC canine mascot will have a ‘field day’ digging for them even if they are in a packed football field soil. Don’t forget some fields have artificial turf, and if so, those boogers are doomed because they may run, but they will have no place to hide.
2. MUcaw – the mascot of Mount Union, Alliance, Ohio. The macaw parrot squawks and screeches. They can be quite deafening and ear piercing. They are inclined to whistle or imitate sounds and noises they hear. I would advise keeping this loud-colored and loud-voiced mascot away from the coaches as they shout plays from the side lines. A macaw will loudly repeat these play calls for all to hear which will eventually be deciphered by the SEC teams if used a lot. Also, don’t forget the macaw whistles. How in the world are you going to keep them from imitating the refs? Think of the confusion these birds will cause. What kind of penalty will the refs issue for these imitations? Good news for all SEC teams.
3. Oakie – the costumed acorn mascot of SUNY-ESF. I mean, really? Crunch.
4. Ollie the Owl – mascot of Brandeis University. His head will be spinning as he thinks, “Which way did they go?”
5. Otto the Orange – mascot of Syracuse University. No competition here. They will be freshly-squeezed.
6. Pete and Penny – two emperor penguins dressed in scarfs and stocking caps for Youngstown State University. Besides posturing in their tuxedos and despite their large size, emperor penguins can dive to a depth of 1800 feet and stay submerged for up to eighteen minutes. Oh, that’s good to know while they visit the SEC’s humid and ninety-degree temps during the games. Yeah, that talent should work for them. NOT!

Can they even get more ridiculous? Oh, wait…they can…

7. Peter the Anteater – mascot for the University of California – Irvine since 1965. This is where the SEC fans come into play. They throw out all their food wrapper remnants onto the field while the SEC teams wait for the ants to show up and then while the anteaters are gobbling up the ants, we pounce. How sneaky! How genius! Those West-Coast schools think we southerners are slow. Suck on that, UC!
8. Petey the Penman - The brawny physique of the original Penmen, with its muscular legs, arms and torso, was designed to represent the rugged character of the original New England settlers, yet features the character holding a basketball in one hand and a quill in another. This ain’t no basketball game or literary meet. He’s not even trying to hide his football inadequacy.
9. Purple Cow – the gold-spotted mascot of Williams College, Massachusetts. No one seems to know how or why this cow with a yellow streak became the school’s official mascot. Yellow Streak? Think about it. We’ll own them.

No Surprises Here, part 3

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. In alphabetical order beginning week before last and even last week, here are more examples:

1. The Virginia Tech Hokies – the word “hokie” originated when a man wrote it into a cheer for a contest. And he won! He says he made it up as a way of getting attention, but its origins are traced back to 1842 and means “hooray.” However, the “hokie mascot” is really a turkey. A turkey! The bird is a "HokieBird" which has evolved from a turkey. Virginia Tech teams were once called the "gobblers"! OK. Just stop it. Giving you more description does not make this mascot any better. Writers providing this information just need to stop it now. I can find nothing redeeming about this mascot name. I mean, I could say that Benjamin Franklin once wanted the turkey to be the national bird instead of the eagle, but that doesn’t help. Even that kind of information just makes it worse.

2. Jack the South Dakota State University Jackrabbit mascot - Jackrabbits are not rabbits (despite their name). They belong to group of animals called hares and are often treated as pests because they quickly destroy crops and have a ferocious appetite. So they will eat the turf, get a full tummy, and then what? Probably a nap. Or be busy proliferating. Both would seem to take precedence over playing football.

3. John Poet – the mascot of Whittier College. Both college and mascot are named for John Greenleaf Whittier. Sensitive and heartfelt, John Poet would probably be happiest writing poetry along side the football fence than being in the trenches as he writes in his poem, In School-Days – “Still sits the school-house by the road…” Whatever…The SEC mascots should watch out. The only thing they should worry about is tripping over this unnoticed bundle of literary terms near the field.

4. Keggy the Keg – this anthropomorphic beer keg is the unofficial mascot of Dartmouth College. Up until 1971, Dartmouth’s mascot was an Indian. Politically incorrect, I suspect. But a beer keg is a better choice? However, this is my personal favorite mascot. I don’t think they are serving Gatorade to their players during the game. This would definitely help the opposing team. Hic-up!

5. The Leprechaun – the mascot for Notre Dame. These little bearded men, wearing a coat and hat and who partake in mischief, are solitary creatures who spend their time making and mending shoes and have a hidden pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If captured by a human, they often grant three wishes in exchange for their freedom. Wish One to an SEC tackle, “You win.” Wish Two: “Ok, you win big.” Win Three: “One of your conference teams will go on to be #1 in the nation. Now, please let me go! I’ve got to go mend this hole in my shoe where your cleat stepped on it.”

6. Mo the Mule – the official mascot of the University of Central Missouri. Stubborn. You can lead a mule to the football field but you can’t make them play.

7. Montezuma the Aztec Warrior - mascot of University of Central Missouri. With all the symptoms of Montezuma’s Revenge, they will never even make it on the field.

More to come…

No Surprises Here, part 2

No Surprises Here, Part 2
Fayette News

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. In alphabetical order beginning last week, here are more examples:

DOOLEY – skeleton mascot for Emory University. Hey! Emory! Break a leg or an arm. You will.
DUSTY – the Dust Devil mascot for Texas A&M International University. A dust devil is a strong, well-formed, and relatively short-lived whirlwind, ranging from small to large. Even large and strong it’s short-lived. Maybe some concern until half-time but only because you can’t see who is running the ball with all that dust. Tasmanian Devil? Now that would worry me. Chomp, chomp.
DUTCH – the Flying Dutchman - a costumed mascot of Hope College. The Flying Dutchman is a legendary ghost ship that can never make port and is doomed to sail the oceans forever. Not worried one bit. It will never make it to the game.
THE EXPLORER – mascot of La Salle University. Our Captain in the SEC has got this.
THE FIGHTING OKRA – name of the unofficial mascot of Delta State University since 1980s. Featured in David Letterman’s “Top Ten Worst Mascots List”. Do they think because they are slimy they are going to slip through our defenses? Not a chance.
Fighting Pickle – mascot of University of North Carolina School of the Arts. Oh, I get it now…just put the word FIGHTING in front of whatever and you think that makes you ruff, tuff, stuff. They are the ones that will be in a pickle.
THE FRIAR– a costumed Dominican Friar of Providence College. He’s huddled on the field with last week’s Ohio Wesleyan’s Bishop trying to figure out a way to get the hell outta the contest.
GAYLORD – Campbell University’s camel mascot - even-toed ungulate that bears distinctive fatty deposits known as "humps" on its back. Camels have been domesticated by humans for about 5000 years. They are used for riding and to carry things. I know they couldn’t use Cool Old Joe Camel, but wouldn’t it be nifty if they did at least for image? Gaylord just ain’t cuttin’ it.
GOLDY THE GOPHER – mascot for University of Minnesota. They are nothing but pests. Our mascots have already read the Gopher Bait Guide. They can easily be manipulated.
GOMPEI– the bronzed head of a now deceased goat mascot at Worcester Polytechnic Institute. A dead mascot. No threat.
THE GOVERNOR– mascot of Austin Peay University. We all know how conniving politicians can be but go ahead, scheme away…the SEC will out-wit you.
GRUBBY THE GRUBSTAKE– a miner mascot of South Dakota School of Mines and Technology. The only thing scary about this mascot is his pix ax and since there are no weapons allowed on the field, they’ll be kept in the dark about how tough we really are… without props.
GUS THE GOOSE – costumed mascot of the Washington College Shoreman. I don’t see how in the world a wobbly goose, or even a gaggle of them, are going to threaten any of our mascots. Most of ours will just call them ‘lunch’.
HERBIE HUSKER – the costumed mascot of the University of Nebraska. This mascot may come buttered, popped, salted, white, greasy, puffy or found in balls or singular kernels. No matter, this corn will be creamed!
More next week…

No Surprises Here, part 1

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th man player, a seafaring captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. In alphabetical order, here are some examples:

Aristocat – the costumed mascot of the Tennessee State University Tigers and Lady Tigers. How will she fight like a cat dressed in pearls, high heels, and her fur coat?

The Battling Bishop – mascot of Ohio Wesleyan. What is his strength? I think he’ll be praying for it to end as he gets the you-know-what beaten out of him.

The Blue Devil- a costumed student who serves as mascot of the Duke University. Blue is a calm color. Ask the design experts. Fire red would be a better devil color choice. So this Blue Devil is way out of his league. He should be teaming up with the Bishop and they might make a partial team.

Boll Weevil – the mascot of the University of Arkansas – Monticello. This mascot was named by the school president in 1925. It feeds on cotton buds and flowers (how sweet) and migrated into the United States from Mexico in the late 19th century. It had infested all U.S. cotton-growing areas by the 1920s. Since 1978, it has been eradicated. ERADICATED! There’s a good word for SEC’s football performances and that is exactly what would happen to those pesky bugs playing against the SEC.

Cayenne – a costumed chili pepper for the Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette. A chili pepper? Oh, it might burn your tongue for a few moments but the rest of you ain’t hurtin’.

Charlie Cardinal – the cardinal mascot of Ball State University. The northern Cardinal, was named because of its brilliant plumage and it is a hardy bird that is capable of living in almost any kind of environment. It is also known for its beautiful song. This bird is pretty and talented. Yeah, that’s scary. Should be in another kind of competition – like a beauty pageant?

Chip – the costumed buffalo of the University of Colorado. Now this could be a frightening animal – it has size and strength, but they give him a comical name – Chip. What’s he going to do? Throw buffalo chips to distract the opposing players? Messy, but not life-threatening. At least they have a sense of humor.

Colonel Ebirt – the former mascot of the College of William & Mary Tribe. The name “Ebirt” is “Tribe” spelled backwards and is a green blob dressed in colonial garb. That colonial get-up, all stuffy and proper, would hold anybody back from playing at their best. Not to mention if they brought their muskets? Historically, it took an average of twenty seconds to load and fire a smoothbore (rubber bullets) black powder musket. A lot could happen in twenty seconds. You might step in unnoticed buffalo dung or get a left-over buffalo chip thrown at you.

Cowboy Joe – the live Shetland pony mascot of the University of Wyoming. A short-pony? That’s telling. “We came to play with our team of ponies which are used mostly for children’s enjoyment.” Say, what?

Damien, The Great Dane – the mascot of the University of Albany. Besides probably getting knocked over, I can’t imagine any more damage than that.

The Oregon Duck – the mascot of the Oregon Ducks. My mother used to say when something was unpleasant, “I’d rather be pecked by ducks.” If you outrun them, surely that won’t happen. Waddle, Waddle. And what’s a peck anyway?

TEACHER TATTLETALES and Other Southern Shenanigans by Lee St. John

More to come…

If Men Wrote Candy Hearts

2/14/19
Necco’s candy hearts will not be sold in 2019 but according to Fortune Magazine, the company that took over the rights confirmed they’d return in 2020. Maybe they are looking for a few good men to expand the conversation starters. For instance:

You’ll Do
You Can Die 1st
Adore Me
Rub My Swollen Feet
Let’s Talk Never
Shhh. Football Is On.
Wink, Wink
Lover Boy
U Sound Like UR Mother
XPLTIV DLETED

Or maybe they are searching for some creative women to answer back. Women always have a comeback, you know.

Too Hot (Crank The A.C.)
R Those Your Toenails?
Not Tonight
R U Listening?
Pick Up UR Socks
U Snore
Oh, And Another Thing
Girl Power
BFF
You’ve Got The 2AM Feeding

Am I right?

My hubby and I are opposites. And you know what they say: opposites attract. I married him because he knows math. He’s an accountant. I only went as high as Algebra. I never took Trig. I don’t think I even took a math course in college. And I needed someone to balance my checkbook for me.

For our first Valentine’s Day, the divide was tremendous. Usually a new bride likes girlie objects of devotion – perfume, flowers, candy, showers of affection, etc. An accountant isn’t accustomed to thinking like that. “Let’s be practical,” he’d say. He also uses words like “disposable income”, “expenses” (whether it’s fixed, variable, accrued, or operation), “net income”, “spreadsheet”, “return on investment”, “1031 Tax Free Exchange”, and such in every day jargon. And I do mean every day.

After 35 years of marriage, the accountant has softened and I have become another person. Hubby tends to let go of his money a little easier. I tend to shop more for bargains and deals – or I might even DIY…on the cheap. We have crossed over the divide…in some ways.

Cut flowers for Valentine? Nah. I’ll take a living plant to place in my yard or house to enjoy over and over. Chocolates ? Nope. Just learned I am diabetic. Beautiful jewelry? I’d rather have my windows washed and let them sparkle. I have become the practical one when receiving presents.

If you are married to an accountant you know what I am talking about:

They might not be romantic gifts like candle-lit dinners, but you can expect gifts that should yield income.

You don’t have to worry about the budgets, income, and expenses of your family. They will take care of it.

They are pretty good at forecasting.

They know the importance of money and won’t overspend and prevent you from wasting it.

You will be lucky if your spouse let’s you use a credit card. I have one but we pay it off every month. Not going to give away hard-earned money in “interest”.

They like the term “cash inflows” or any kind of income generating term and they love to invest.

Accountants know how compound interest works and have invested at a very early age.
You don’t have to hire a person to do your taxes.

They are ethical and abide standards throughout their career. They don’t break rules in real life, too.

They are trustworthy. Without any fear you can tell your secrets.

So, this is my love note to you, Hubby. Although I sometimes am really cranky about how tight you are with money, thank you for having taken care of me and our family the way you do.

And I’ll just take some of those candy hearts this year. Oh, they don’t make them any longer? Brach’s continues to sell THE. EXACT. SAME. THING.

xoxoxo

from: http://fayette-news.net/if-men-wrote-...