Lee St. John's Blog, page 4
January 11, 2021
Math Word Problems
Math Word Problems
Fayette News
When both my boys were in pre-school, they were given a good foundation for future academics. I remember our three-year-old church pre-school introducing age appropriate math and other curriculum. At the end of the year, the average three year was to collect and count out loud using three teddy bear shaped pieces. What the teacher was expecting was each child would see several bears on the table and collect them one by one and hand them to the teacher while counting as they did so. “One bear. Two, Three.” They were counting their own age.
When it was my eldest’s turn at this instruction to see if he was capable of showing what three meant, he collected three at one time and handed them over to his teacher. When it was my baby’s turn, eight years later, he grabbed five and subtracted two. Our pre-school teacher, having taught both of my boys, told me that she always thought our first child was smart with his adding the bears before giving her the answer, but when the youngest had his turn she was astonished that at three he was subtracting.
It was then I knew their aptitude for math should make it easy for them. Our eldest did well throughout his years in school. Our youngest performed the same until the NEW MATH was introduced in his 9th grade year. That year, the Common Core standards offered a new approach to math that emphasized more conceptual forms of understanding and “…if states and districts implemented the reform well, the instruction will give students deeper math skills. Common Core math also has the potential to better prepare students for a career.”
I get this lofty idea. But the state didn’t start this new math just in elementary school but as soon as possible, which meant, those who had learned one way of deciphering math problems were jerked into something totally new, without preparation, to begin how to understand math. My youngest was in 9th grade and it was one of the worst times of his life. Not only him, but about 75% had to take even another math class at the same time to repair and supplement whatever they were behind on with the new regular, but foreign, math class. It was like being thrown into the deep end with hopes you will just survive.
These supplemental classes also took away from a time slot for learning something else besides math. His father, an accountant, couldn’t help. He was schooled in old math. I was just a math dummy.
This is how word-problems in math looked to me:
1. If you purchase two of the books, MATH FOR DUMMIES, each costing $16.99, when the clerk adds the total and it comes to $50.00, is he incorrect?
2. If the teacher says, “You have ten chocolate cakes and someone asks for two, how many do you have left?” And if the student answers, “Ten” and the teacher continues, “Okay, well what if somebody forcibly takes two of the cakes, how many would you have left?” and the student answers, “Ten AND a dead body”, is the student incorrect?
3. Is this restaurant sign correct? “Today’s special – Buy one Fish & Chips for the price of two and receive a second Fish & Chips absolutely free!”
4. If the teacher loudly comments, “Don’t worry, I’m not actually saying anything important up here, in the front of the room, about your lesson” what percentage of the class of students will answer with, “So, if I just do my homework, my grade will improve?”
5. On the first day of face to face instruction at school, students are required to bring 30 pencils, 64 crayons, 20 pens, 12 rulers, and 10 notebooks. How many of these items will be left after a month of instruction? Answer: ONE pencil found on the ground, or classroom, or hallway.
And it will probably be missing an eraser and
no lead at the point.
Hope 2021 improves for teachers and parents!
Fayette News
When both my boys were in pre-school, they were given a good foundation for future academics. I remember our three-year-old church pre-school introducing age appropriate math and other curriculum. At the end of the year, the average three year was to collect and count out loud using three teddy bear shaped pieces. What the teacher was expecting was each child would see several bears on the table and collect them one by one and hand them to the teacher while counting as they did so. “One bear. Two, Three.” They were counting their own age.
When it was my eldest’s turn at this instruction to see if he was capable of showing what three meant, he collected three at one time and handed them over to his teacher. When it was my baby’s turn, eight years later, he grabbed five and subtracted two. Our pre-school teacher, having taught both of my boys, told me that she always thought our first child was smart with his adding the bears before giving her the answer, but when the youngest had his turn she was astonished that at three he was subtracting.
It was then I knew their aptitude for math should make it easy for them. Our eldest did well throughout his years in school. Our youngest performed the same until the NEW MATH was introduced in his 9th grade year. That year, the Common Core standards offered a new approach to math that emphasized more conceptual forms of understanding and “…if states and districts implemented the reform well, the instruction will give students deeper math skills. Common Core math also has the potential to better prepare students for a career.”
I get this lofty idea. But the state didn’t start this new math just in elementary school but as soon as possible, which meant, those who had learned one way of deciphering math problems were jerked into something totally new, without preparation, to begin how to understand math. My youngest was in 9th grade and it was one of the worst times of his life. Not only him, but about 75% had to take even another math class at the same time to repair and supplement whatever they were behind on with the new regular, but foreign, math class. It was like being thrown into the deep end with hopes you will just survive.
These supplemental classes also took away from a time slot for learning something else besides math. His father, an accountant, couldn’t help. He was schooled in old math. I was just a math dummy.
This is how word-problems in math looked to me:
1. If you purchase two of the books, MATH FOR DUMMIES, each costing $16.99, when the clerk adds the total and it comes to $50.00, is he incorrect?
2. If the teacher says, “You have ten chocolate cakes and someone asks for two, how many do you have left?” And if the student answers, “Ten” and the teacher continues, “Okay, well what if somebody forcibly takes two of the cakes, how many would you have left?” and the student answers, “Ten AND a dead body”, is the student incorrect?
3. Is this restaurant sign correct? “Today’s special – Buy one Fish & Chips for the price of two and receive a second Fish & Chips absolutely free!”
4. If the teacher loudly comments, “Don’t worry, I’m not actually saying anything important up here, in the front of the room, about your lesson” what percentage of the class of students will answer with, “So, if I just do my homework, my grade will improve?”
5. On the first day of face to face instruction at school, students are required to bring 30 pencils, 64 crayons, 20 pens, 12 rulers, and 10 notebooks. How many of these items will be left after a month of instruction? Answer: ONE pencil found on the ground, or classroom, or hallway.
And it will probably be missing an eraser and
no lead at the point.
Hope 2021 improves for teachers and parents!
January 3, 2021
Glue Sticks Last Christmas?
Glue Sticks Last Christmas?
Fayette News 12/11/20
Having started watching Hallmark Christmas Movies to chase off the blues from COVID and the chaos from the recent Presidential election, I found that reviewing these movies has helped my mental health tremendously. Maybe you should consider escaping into pretend-land with a few movies, too.
I recently became absorbed with Hallmark’s latest – “Glue Sticks Last Christmas”. Yes, it’s about a horse farm in Sheffield, Kentucky. Don’t give up on the title yet…you know Hallmark likes to pull the strings of your heart and then have a happy ending. This one does not disappoint.
If you have been thinking the repairman in the Maytag commercials is a hunk, you’ll be happy to know he is our protagonist. Boy, he does clean up well when he isn’t in his Maytag uniform. Youza! Clark Redmond possesses a horse farm and rents stables to the horses’ owners. He also grows and sells Christmas trees to neighbors and their friends.
Christmas is around the corner and Clark is hosting an Open House on his property and selling his trees. His home’s porch is decorated with one of his trees he cut from his tree farm and stands about twelve feet tall. Since Clark lives alone, I don’t know who in the hell helped him decorate that tree to perfection since it stands high with large silver balls, real red cranberry garlands, a multitude of white lights, and fake snowflake ornaments adorning the tree to match the fake snow on the ground.
A crowd starts to gather in line to enjoy his homemade apple Wassail for the adults, hot cocoa for the children, and gingerbread cookies for all, when it is time to cut to a commercial.
This commercial is for Nestle’s Hot Chocolate. What an appropriate moment to break away from this winter movie with a nice hot cup of cocoa. Personally, I’d rather have a commercial on how to make homemade Wassail using Kentucky’s Jim Beam whiskey.
The story continues with Clark allowing a pony ride for the children on Glue Sticks, a really old mild-mannered horse who has seen better days and is going out for his last round of pony rides. Clark has been taking care of the horse since the horse’s owner moved to a large city in another state. Poor thing! The horse loves the children and the children love him and know he is on his last legs (idiom intended). It just costs too much to keep up an old horse. But the children come up with a plan.
Commercial for Elmer’s Glue Sticks. Was this really necessary? I had to leave during this commercial. I was starting to cry.
When I return, the children know they have to do something to save the day. They decide to hold an ugly horse contest and have the county folks in the area (in Kentucky, everyone loves horses) pay to vote on the ugliest horse at Clark’s stables. The children’s parents, who by now started drinking the Wassail with Jim Beam (one of the dads clandestinely brought along enough whiskey to pour in their beverages) start to think the children’s idea is GENUIS!
Commercial: You’ve guessed it. It’s a Maytag commercial with our leading man from the Hallmark story.
Next week at the stables, the children dress up the animals and take pictures, put the horses’ pictures on flyers, and staple the flyers to wood light poles in town. But no matter how ugly they try to make the horses look, not one is uglier than the horse they are trying to save. Sponsors' and patrons’ money start to flow in.
And they save the day. Enough money has been collected to take care of Glue Sticks in his old age. The whole town of Sheffield celebrates at Clark Redmond’s with more Wassail, cocoa, and gingerbread cookies.
Cast of characters:
Clark Redmond – the Maytag Repairman
Various Children – they all look like the children from the OUR GANG television series.
I give it a 7/10 review because a horse is saved, there is cocoa, and there is Jim Beam whiskey, but there is no dog.
Fayette News 12/11/20
Having started watching Hallmark Christmas Movies to chase off the blues from COVID and the chaos from the recent Presidential election, I found that reviewing these movies has helped my mental health tremendously. Maybe you should consider escaping into pretend-land with a few movies, too.
I recently became absorbed with Hallmark’s latest – “Glue Sticks Last Christmas”. Yes, it’s about a horse farm in Sheffield, Kentucky. Don’t give up on the title yet…you know Hallmark likes to pull the strings of your heart and then have a happy ending. This one does not disappoint.
If you have been thinking the repairman in the Maytag commercials is a hunk, you’ll be happy to know he is our protagonist. Boy, he does clean up well when he isn’t in his Maytag uniform. Youza! Clark Redmond possesses a horse farm and rents stables to the horses’ owners. He also grows and sells Christmas trees to neighbors and their friends.
Christmas is around the corner and Clark is hosting an Open House on his property and selling his trees. His home’s porch is decorated with one of his trees he cut from his tree farm and stands about twelve feet tall. Since Clark lives alone, I don’t know who in the hell helped him decorate that tree to perfection since it stands high with large silver balls, real red cranberry garlands, a multitude of white lights, and fake snowflake ornaments adorning the tree to match the fake snow on the ground.
A crowd starts to gather in line to enjoy his homemade apple Wassail for the adults, hot cocoa for the children, and gingerbread cookies for all, when it is time to cut to a commercial.
This commercial is for Nestle’s Hot Chocolate. What an appropriate moment to break away from this winter movie with a nice hot cup of cocoa. Personally, I’d rather have a commercial on how to make homemade Wassail using Kentucky’s Jim Beam whiskey.
The story continues with Clark allowing a pony ride for the children on Glue Sticks, a really old mild-mannered horse who has seen better days and is going out for his last round of pony rides. Clark has been taking care of the horse since the horse’s owner moved to a large city in another state. Poor thing! The horse loves the children and the children love him and know he is on his last legs (idiom intended). It just costs too much to keep up an old horse. But the children come up with a plan.
Commercial for Elmer’s Glue Sticks. Was this really necessary? I had to leave during this commercial. I was starting to cry.
When I return, the children know they have to do something to save the day. They decide to hold an ugly horse contest and have the county folks in the area (in Kentucky, everyone loves horses) pay to vote on the ugliest horse at Clark’s stables. The children’s parents, who by now started drinking the Wassail with Jim Beam (one of the dads clandestinely brought along enough whiskey to pour in their beverages) start to think the children’s idea is GENUIS!
Commercial: You’ve guessed it. It’s a Maytag commercial with our leading man from the Hallmark story.
Next week at the stables, the children dress up the animals and take pictures, put the horses’ pictures on flyers, and staple the flyers to wood light poles in town. But no matter how ugly they try to make the horses look, not one is uglier than the horse they are trying to save. Sponsors' and patrons’ money start to flow in.
And they save the day. Enough money has been collected to take care of Glue Sticks in his old age. The whole town of Sheffield celebrates at Clark Redmond’s with more Wassail, cocoa, and gingerbread cookies.
Cast of characters:
Clark Redmond – the Maytag Repairman
Various Children – they all look like the children from the OUR GANG television series.
I give it a 7/10 review because a horse is saved, there is cocoa, and there is Jim Beam whiskey, but there is no dog.
December 2, 2020
Show Off!
Fayette News
I remember one day in the 1990s my middle school principal mentioned in a faculty meeting about the reciprocity of Florida allowing one of our Georgia teachers to be able to teach there without having to jump through their state requirements to do so.
I had never used that word before. I knew it must have the root word reciprocal so why not just say reciprocal agreement? Show-off.
Let’s look at that word. Here are some synonyms: cooperation, exchange, mutuality, reciprocality, reciprocation, partnership, relationship. I bet there are some synonyms in that group you would use on a daily basis and then there are some that are a little overbearing, uppity, high and mighty, cavalier, or audacious.
What is a word for someone with a large vocabulary? It’s sesquipedalian. In reality, even the word sesquipedalian is in fact sesquipedalian. It can also be used to describe someone or something that overuses big words, like a philosophy professor or a chemistry textbook. Do you know any one like that?
Does knowing big words make you smart? Intelligent people tend to be more well-read. It's important to note that a large vocabulary is more than just knowing a few big words. ... The more you improve your vocabulary, the more your intelligence will increase.
Have you heard of the Bell Curve? This graph shows the spread of values of anything affected by the cumulative effects of randomness. Founded in the 19th century, there’s no shortage of those: from stock market jitters to human heights and IQ. Many phenomena follow at least a rough approximation of the Bell Curve, with the most common value in the center, and rarer, more extreme values to either side. An intelligence quotient (IQ) is a total score derived from a set of standardized tests or subtests designed to assess human intelligence.
The curve peaks at the top with a score of an average 100. Sixty-eight percent of us fall in between the scores of 85 and 115. Ninety-six percent of us fall in between 70 and 130. You can see the pattern. The bottom of the bell graph has the fewest percentages of either IQ extreme. Special education classes in school for both slower and gifted students are designed for both ends of the graph curve.
The book, The Bell Curve, published 1994, states "Inequality of endowments, including intelligence, is a reality. Trying to pretend that inequality does not really exist has led to disaster. Trying to eradicate inequality with artificially manufactured outcomes has led to disaster. It is time for America once again to try living with inequality, as life is lived: understanding that each human being has strengths and weaknesses, qualities we admire and qualities we do not admire, competencies and incompetencies, assets and debits; that the success of each human life is not measured externally but internally; that all of the rewards we can confer on each other, the most precious is a place as a valued fellow citizen."
The following order will be my guess of using the reciprocity synonyms and ranking them to intelligence from low to high by how likely we use the chosen word:
1. Would you use the word exchange more likely when talking about doing something in return?
2. Or would you use cooperation?
3. Partnership?
4. How about mutuality?
5. I had never heard of reciprocality until today.
How would you have ranked these synonyms?
Want to try another? Do you use overbearing, high and mighty, uppity, cavalier, or audacious words? Or do you have hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - the fear of long words?
Personally, I think if you use reciprocality, as seen above, in your everyday conversation when discussing return agreements you might be a:
1. Know-it-all
2. Big mouth
3. Bragger
4. Egomaniac
5. Braggadocio
Or in others words, a SHOW OFF!
I remember one day in the 1990s my middle school principal mentioned in a faculty meeting about the reciprocity of Florida allowing one of our Georgia teachers to be able to teach there without having to jump through their state requirements to do so.
I had never used that word before. I knew it must have the root word reciprocal so why not just say reciprocal agreement? Show-off.
Let’s look at that word. Here are some synonyms: cooperation, exchange, mutuality, reciprocality, reciprocation, partnership, relationship. I bet there are some synonyms in that group you would use on a daily basis and then there are some that are a little overbearing, uppity, high and mighty, cavalier, or audacious.
What is a word for someone with a large vocabulary? It’s sesquipedalian. In reality, even the word sesquipedalian is in fact sesquipedalian. It can also be used to describe someone or something that overuses big words, like a philosophy professor or a chemistry textbook. Do you know any one like that?
Does knowing big words make you smart? Intelligent people tend to be more well-read. It's important to note that a large vocabulary is more than just knowing a few big words. ... The more you improve your vocabulary, the more your intelligence will increase.
Have you heard of the Bell Curve? This graph shows the spread of values of anything affected by the cumulative effects of randomness. Founded in the 19th century, there’s no shortage of those: from stock market jitters to human heights and IQ. Many phenomena follow at least a rough approximation of the Bell Curve, with the most common value in the center, and rarer, more extreme values to either side. An intelligence quotient (IQ) is a total score derived from a set of standardized tests or subtests designed to assess human intelligence.
The curve peaks at the top with a score of an average 100. Sixty-eight percent of us fall in between the scores of 85 and 115. Ninety-six percent of us fall in between 70 and 130. You can see the pattern. The bottom of the bell graph has the fewest percentages of either IQ extreme. Special education classes in school for both slower and gifted students are designed for both ends of the graph curve.
The book, The Bell Curve, published 1994, states "Inequality of endowments, including intelligence, is a reality. Trying to pretend that inequality does not really exist has led to disaster. Trying to eradicate inequality with artificially manufactured outcomes has led to disaster. It is time for America once again to try living with inequality, as life is lived: understanding that each human being has strengths and weaknesses, qualities we admire and qualities we do not admire, competencies and incompetencies, assets and debits; that the success of each human life is not measured externally but internally; that all of the rewards we can confer on each other, the most precious is a place as a valued fellow citizen."
The following order will be my guess of using the reciprocity synonyms and ranking them to intelligence from low to high by how likely we use the chosen word:
1. Would you use the word exchange more likely when talking about doing something in return?
2. Or would you use cooperation?
3. Partnership?
4. How about mutuality?
5. I had never heard of reciprocality until today.
How would you have ranked these synonyms?
Want to try another? Do you use overbearing, high and mighty, uppity, cavalier, or audacious words? Or do you have hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - the fear of long words?
Personally, I think if you use reciprocality, as seen above, in your everyday conversation when discussing return agreements you might be a:
1. Know-it-all
2. Big mouth
3. Bragger
4. Egomaniac
5. Braggadocio
Or in others words, a SHOW OFF!
October 8, 2020
Part 2 - Stupid Is As Stupid Does Georgia Version
Stupid Is As Stupid Does
Or so says Forrest Gump
Fayette News
There is a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. It is offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it.
Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”
Last time, previously I wrote about New York and Georgia’s idiotic laws still in the books. Thought you might be interested in a few more that Georgians are to abide by. People have been living in Georgia since it was founded as an English Colony in 1773 and that means there are these laws that potentially date back that far. Even though we may not know the origins of some of these laws, here are a few where you might either get a giggle or realize you are breaking a few without knowing it.
1. It is illegal to keep a donkey in a bathtub. This one breaks my heart. Think of all the donkey lovers out there that might even use these animals as service animals. If they live with them in the house, how else are they going to keep them clean? If they cleaned them outside, they’d get dirty again in no time just walking across the yard toward the house.
2. In Athens-Clarke County, Adult bookstores may not sell alcohol. Wait a minute. Adult bookstores? Where are these adult bookstores? No, really, tell me. But in the meantime, what are the stores worried about with alcohol sales? Like teenagers, these so called “adults”, having a few sips of inhibitors, might hide in the back section of the store and…
3. Also in Athens-Clarke, If you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, do it before 2:45 AM. Ok, so if you were thrown out of the adult bookstore because your brought your own “inhibitor” you could still buy a book before you leave. However, big brother is watching if you are reading that purchase after 2:45 a.m. anywhere in public with your “friend” who left with you.
4. Athens-Clarke County -- Goldfish may not be given away to entice someone to enter a game of bingo. They didn’t say Goldfish crackers, did they? Who doesn’t love those cheesy crackers? Every time I play bridge or bunco, there are bowls of goodies to munch on including goldfish crackers. They need to make this law more clear.
5. Persons under the age of 16 may not play pinball after 11:00 PM in Athens-Clarke County. And yet the pre-teens are the fastest pinball wizards! They aren’t going to bed at 11:00 p.m. anyway. Now they are going to have to go out and find something else keep their adrenaline up after a game of pinball and we were all told nothing good happens after 11:00 p.m. Just let them play! At least we know where they are.
6. If you're going out of business in Athens-Clarke County, you will need a business license to hold a going-out-of-business sign. How stupid is this? How else will people know you are going out of business? And this county houses students attending the University of Georgia where there are supposedly lots of smart people living there.
7. In Athens-Clarke County it is illegal to sell two beers for the price of one. I doubt anyone in Clarke County is enforcing this one.
8. Owners of mules may not allow their animal to roam around Athens unsupervised. What if they were given a bath outside like the donkeys and got loose? Mules can run as fast as forty miles an hour under certain conditions. These poor mule owners…fined for keeping them in your house or fined for having them outside to break away. Maybe one shouldn’t be a mule owner.
Or maybe one shouldn’t live in Athens.
Or so says Forrest Gump
Fayette News
There is a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. It is offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it.
Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”
Last time, previously I wrote about New York and Georgia’s idiotic laws still in the books. Thought you might be interested in a few more that Georgians are to abide by. People have been living in Georgia since it was founded as an English Colony in 1773 and that means there are these laws that potentially date back that far. Even though we may not know the origins of some of these laws, here are a few where you might either get a giggle or realize you are breaking a few without knowing it.
1. It is illegal to keep a donkey in a bathtub. This one breaks my heart. Think of all the donkey lovers out there that might even use these animals as service animals. If they live with them in the house, how else are they going to keep them clean? If they cleaned them outside, they’d get dirty again in no time just walking across the yard toward the house.
2. In Athens-Clarke County, Adult bookstores may not sell alcohol. Wait a minute. Adult bookstores? Where are these adult bookstores? No, really, tell me. But in the meantime, what are the stores worried about with alcohol sales? Like teenagers, these so called “adults”, having a few sips of inhibitors, might hide in the back section of the store and…
3. Also in Athens-Clarke, If you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, do it before 2:45 AM. Ok, so if you were thrown out of the adult bookstore because your brought your own “inhibitor” you could still buy a book before you leave. However, big brother is watching if you are reading that purchase after 2:45 a.m. anywhere in public with your “friend” who left with you.
4. Athens-Clarke County -- Goldfish may not be given away to entice someone to enter a game of bingo. They didn’t say Goldfish crackers, did they? Who doesn’t love those cheesy crackers? Every time I play bridge or bunco, there are bowls of goodies to munch on including goldfish crackers. They need to make this law more clear.
5. Persons under the age of 16 may not play pinball after 11:00 PM in Athens-Clarke County. And yet the pre-teens are the fastest pinball wizards! They aren’t going to bed at 11:00 p.m. anyway. Now they are going to have to go out and find something else keep their adrenaline up after a game of pinball and we were all told nothing good happens after 11:00 p.m. Just let them play! At least we know where they are.
6. If you're going out of business in Athens-Clarke County, you will need a business license to hold a going-out-of-business sign. How stupid is this? How else will people know you are going out of business? And this county houses students attending the University of Georgia where there are supposedly lots of smart people living there.
7. In Athens-Clarke County it is illegal to sell two beers for the price of one. I doubt anyone in Clarke County is enforcing this one.
8. Owners of mules may not allow their animal to roam around Athens unsupervised. What if they were given a bath outside like the donkeys and got loose? Mules can run as fast as forty miles an hour under certain conditions. These poor mule owners…fined for keeping them in your house or fined for having them outside to break away. Maybe one shouldn’t be a mule owner.
Or maybe one shouldn’t live in Athens.
Part 2 - Stupid Is As Stupid Does Georgia Version
Stupid Is As Stupid Does
Or so says Forrest Gump
Fayette News
There is a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. It is offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it.
Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”
Last time, previously I wrote about New York and Georgia’s idiotic laws still in the books. Thought you might be interested in a few more that Georgians are to abide by. People have been living in Georgia since it was founded as an English Colony in 1773 and that means there are these laws that potentially date back that far. Even though we may not know the origins of some of these laws, here are a few where you might either get a giggle or realize you are breaking a few without knowing it.
1. It is illegal to keep a donkey in a bathtub. This one breaks my heart. Think of all the donkey lovers out there that might even use these animals as service animals. If they live with them in the house, how else are they going to keep them clean? If they cleaned them outside, they’d get dirty again in no time just walking across the yard toward the house.
2. In Athens-Clarke County, Adult bookstores may not sell alcohol. Wait a minute. Adult bookstores? Where are these adult bookstores? No, really, tell me. But in the meantime, what are the stores worried about with alcohol sales? Like teenagers, these so called “adults”, having a few sips of inhibitors, might hide in the back section of the store and…
3. Also in Athens-Clarke, If you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, do it before 2:45 AM. Ok, so if you were thrown out of the adult bookstore because your brought your own “inhibitor” you could still buy a book before you leave. However, big brother is watching if you are reading that purchase after 2:45 a.m. anywhere in public with your “friend” who left with you.
4. Athens-Clarke County -- Goldfish may not be given away to entice someone to enter a game of bingo. They didn’t say Goldfish crackers, did they? Who doesn’t love those cheesy crackers? Every time I play bridge or bunco, there are bowls of goodies to munch on including goldfish crackers. They need to make this law more clear.
5. Persons under the age of 16 may not play pinball after 11:00 PM in Athens-Clarke County. And yet the pre-teens are the fastest pinball wizards! They aren’t going to bed at 11:00 p.m. anyway. Now they are going to have to go out and find something else keep their adrenaline up after a game of pinball and we were all told nothing good happens after 11:00 p.m. Just let them play! At least we know where they are.
6. If you're going out of business in Athens-Clarke County, you will need a business license to hold a going-out-of-business sign. How stupid is this? How else will people know you are going out of business? And this county houses students attending the University of Georgia where there are supposedly lots of smart people living there.
7. In Athens-Clarke County it is illegal to sell two beers for the price of one. I doubt anyone in Clarke County is enforcing this one.
8. Owners of mules may not allow their animal to roam around Athens unsupervised. What if they were given a bath outside like the donkeys and got loose? Mules can run as fast as forty miles an hour under certain conditions. These poor mule owners…fined for keeping them in your house or fined for having them outside to break away. Maybe one shouldn’t be a mule owner.
Or maybe one shouldn’t live in Athens.
Or so says Forrest Gump
Fayette News
There is a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. It is offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it.
Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”
Last time, previously I wrote about New York and Georgia’s idiotic laws still in the books. Thought you might be interested in a few more that Georgians are to abide by. People have been living in Georgia since it was founded as an English Colony in 1773 and that means there are these laws that potentially date back that far. Even though we may not know the origins of some of these laws, here are a few where you might either get a giggle or realize you are breaking a few without knowing it.
1. It is illegal to keep a donkey in a bathtub. This one breaks my heart. Think of all the donkey lovers out there that might even use these animals as service animals. If they live with them in the house, how else are they going to keep them clean? If they cleaned them outside, they’d get dirty again in no time just walking across the yard toward the house.
2. In Athens-Clarke County, Adult bookstores may not sell alcohol. Wait a minute. Adult bookstores? Where are these adult bookstores? No, really, tell me. But in the meantime, what are the stores worried about with alcohol sales? Like teenagers, these so called “adults”, having a few sips of inhibitors, might hide in the back section of the store and…
3. Also in Athens-Clarke, If you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, do it before 2:45 AM. Ok, so if you were thrown out of the adult bookstore because your brought your own “inhibitor” you could still buy a book before you leave. However, big brother is watching if you are reading that purchase after 2:45 a.m. anywhere in public with your “friend” who left with you.
4. Athens-Clarke County -- Goldfish may not be given away to entice someone to enter a game of bingo. They didn’t say Goldfish crackers, did they? Who doesn’t love those cheesy crackers? Every time I play bridge or bunco, there are bowls of goodies to munch on including goldfish crackers. They need to make this law more clear.
5. Persons under the age of 16 may not play pinball after 11:00 PM in Athens-Clarke County. And yet the pre-teens are the fastest pinball wizards! They aren’t going to bed at 11:00 p.m. anyway. Now they are going to have to go out and find something else keep their adrenaline up after a game of pinball and we were all told nothing good happens after 11:00 p.m. Just let them play! At least we know where they are.
6. If you're going out of business in Athens-Clarke County, you will need a business license to hold a going-out-of-business sign. How stupid is this? How else will people know you are going out of business? And this county houses students attending the University of Georgia where there are supposedly lots of smart people living there.
7. In Athens-Clarke County it is illegal to sell two beers for the price of one. I doubt anyone in Clarke County is enforcing this one.
8. Owners of mules may not allow their animal to roam around Athens unsupervised. What if they were given a bath outside like the donkeys and got loose? Mules can run as fast as forty miles an hour under certain conditions. These poor mule owners…fined for keeping them in your house or fined for having them outside to break away. Maybe one shouldn’t be a mule owner.
Or maybe one shouldn’t live in Athens.
September 28, 2020
Stupid is As Stupid Does - Georgia Version
Stupid is as Stupid Does – Georgia version
Fayette News
…or so says Forrest Gump.
There is a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. It is offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it. Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”
Last time, I wrote about New York’s idiotic laws still in the books. Today is Georgia’s turn. People have been living in Georgia since it was founded as an English Colony in 1773 and that means there are Georgia laws that potentially date back that far. Even though we may not know the origins of some of these laws, here are a few where you might either get a giggle or realize you are breaking a few without knowing it.
1. Gainesville, Georgia has an ordinance that requires you to eat fried chicken with your hands. Passed in 1961, it was a publicity stunt to promote Gainesville’s poultry industry. How could anyone enforce that today, you say? Well, in 2009 a 91-year-old woman visiting from Louisiana was arrested and charged with violating the ordinance. However, as luck would have it, Gainesville’s mayor was on hand to pardon her. The whole event was a practical joke organized by a friend of hers for her 91st birthday. Were you way ahead of me and thinking that was going to happen?
2. Acworth, Georgia’s residents are legally required to own a rake. Of course, the law doesn’t add that it is needed to be used once in a while in their yards. Would a rake be considered a weapon?
3. In Athens – Clarke County, it’s illegal to make a disturbing sound at a fair. What kind of disturbing sound? My all-boy family makes disturbing sounds all the time. Does that mean we will have to circumvent Clarke County when we are traveling Northeast to the Georgia mountains? If we don’t and we travel through the county, may I make a citizen’s arrest should I hear that sound from one of them?
4. It’s also a misdemeanor to keep a disorderly house. I guess I better not try to enforce #3 as they may turn the tables on me with this one.
5. Quitman, Georgia has made it illegal for chickens to cross the road. I guess those chicken will never fulfill their destiny or prophecy in the joke about them. Maybe the town was tired of seeing poultry owners’ chickens not in their own yards and visitors making comments about that singular joke.
6. Atlanta prohibits vaudeville performers from rendering “coarse jokes”. Well, first of all, who will define COARSE? And secondly, vaudeville? How old is this law?
7. In Marietta, it’s illegal to spit in a public building. Never knew Marietta had such a problem. Are visitors to the buildings still chewing tabbackie? Are there not spittoons?
Are these laws something we should be wary and worried about today? Are these considered first-world problems? You know what first world problems are, right? They are relatively trivial or minor problems or frustrations (implying a contrast with serious problems such as those that may be experienced in the developing world). But as we’ve heard, it’s easier to make a law than it is to retrieve it from existence.
Think of all the pork barrel legislation that goes on. Pork barrel is a metaphor for the appropriation of government spending for localized projects secured solely or primarily to bring money to a representative's district. The usage originated in American English. Scholars use it as a technical term regarding legislative control of local appropriations.
Do we know what is in those pork barrel projects being accepted under our noses? They might just be crazy like any one of the above or in the doozies next week. Stay tuned.
Fayette News
…or so says Forrest Gump.
There is a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. It is offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it. Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”
Last time, I wrote about New York’s idiotic laws still in the books. Today is Georgia’s turn. People have been living in Georgia since it was founded as an English Colony in 1773 and that means there are Georgia laws that potentially date back that far. Even though we may not know the origins of some of these laws, here are a few where you might either get a giggle or realize you are breaking a few without knowing it.
1. Gainesville, Georgia has an ordinance that requires you to eat fried chicken with your hands. Passed in 1961, it was a publicity stunt to promote Gainesville’s poultry industry. How could anyone enforce that today, you say? Well, in 2009 a 91-year-old woman visiting from Louisiana was arrested and charged with violating the ordinance. However, as luck would have it, Gainesville’s mayor was on hand to pardon her. The whole event was a practical joke organized by a friend of hers for her 91st birthday. Were you way ahead of me and thinking that was going to happen?
2. Acworth, Georgia’s residents are legally required to own a rake. Of course, the law doesn’t add that it is needed to be used once in a while in their yards. Would a rake be considered a weapon?
3. In Athens – Clarke County, it’s illegal to make a disturbing sound at a fair. What kind of disturbing sound? My all-boy family makes disturbing sounds all the time. Does that mean we will have to circumvent Clarke County when we are traveling Northeast to the Georgia mountains? If we don’t and we travel through the county, may I make a citizen’s arrest should I hear that sound from one of them?
4. It’s also a misdemeanor to keep a disorderly house. I guess I better not try to enforce #3 as they may turn the tables on me with this one.
5. Quitman, Georgia has made it illegal for chickens to cross the road. I guess those chicken will never fulfill their destiny or prophecy in the joke about them. Maybe the town was tired of seeing poultry owners’ chickens not in their own yards and visitors making comments about that singular joke.
6. Atlanta prohibits vaudeville performers from rendering “coarse jokes”. Well, first of all, who will define COARSE? And secondly, vaudeville? How old is this law?
7. In Marietta, it’s illegal to spit in a public building. Never knew Marietta had such a problem. Are visitors to the buildings still chewing tabbackie? Are there not spittoons?
Are these laws something we should be wary and worried about today? Are these considered first-world problems? You know what first world problems are, right? They are relatively trivial or minor problems or frustrations (implying a contrast with serious problems such as those that may be experienced in the developing world). But as we’ve heard, it’s easier to make a law than it is to retrieve it from existence.
Think of all the pork barrel legislation that goes on. Pork barrel is a metaphor for the appropriation of government spending for localized projects secured solely or primarily to bring money to a representative's district. The usage originated in American English. Scholars use it as a technical term regarding legislative control of local appropriations.
Do we know what is in those pork barrel projects being accepted under our noses? They might just be crazy like any one of the above or in the doozies next week. Stay tuned.
August 15, 2020
Stupid Is As Stupid Does - New York Version
…or so says Forrest Gump.
Fayette News
There is even a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. Offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it. Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”
Even worse, there are still blue laws on the books that show up which appear stupid today. But first …why are they called Blue Laws? Many reference books say that the laws were called “blue” because they were first printed on blue paper. However, historians have said that the term is more likely to be derived from the use of the word “blue” to mean “rigidly moral” and date back to first prohibiting activities on Sundays under the reign of Roman Emperor, Constantine in the year 321.
New Yorkers are still saddled with dozens of anachronistic laws that today seem staggeringly stupid. It’s easy to pass laws regulating people’s behavior but is very difficult to repeal those laws. Among the city and state’s lamest laws:
1. It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s face. A person is guilty of “offensive exhibition” if they operate a public event where a person is “voluntarily submitting to indignities such as the throwing of balls …at one’s head or body.” The law’s origins appears to protect carnies from abusive bosses. Other sections outlaw “propelling” knives at a person, or making them ride a bike or dance “without respite for more than 8 hours.”
2. It is illegal to sell cat or dog hair. A statute that’s part of the state’s anti-cruelty provisions makes it a crime to “import, sell, offer for sale … transport or otherwise market” dog or cat fur. But guess what you can traffic? Coyote, fox, lynx, or bobcat fur.
3. Flirting can result in a $25 fine. Flutter your eye lashes with flirtatious intent and be prepared to cough up a 25 bucks. This is why this statute can only be from the north. This behavior has Southern DNA written all over it. This mannerism would have the jails below the Mason-Dixon line so overcrowded with flirtatious females because we’ve been trained at an early age to flirt.
4. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. If cops ever cracked down on this law, half of Brooklyn would be in jail. However, luckily many states are revoking this band because this once sight for sore eyes is now considered to be eco-friendly. Lucky you, Alabama.
5. No taking selfies with tigers. Say what? Well, since 2014 this law has been on the books with a $500 fine to prevent maulings since there were two in the last ten years when the public was allowed to cozy up to big cats because of county fairs or when traveling circuses came to town.
6. It’s against the law to run a puppet show in a window. I know you’d want to, but don’t even think about it. $25 fine and 30 days in jail.
7. You may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in your pocket. Theoretically, sweet-toothed outlaws would pocket their vanilla cones to hide them from passing policemen. This idea is so uncomfortable I can’t mock it any more than what it already is.
And this is why I started this essay:
8. It’s illegal for two or more mask-wearing people to congregate in public. This law has been in existence since 1845 “when tenant farmers, in response to a lowering of wheat prices, dressed up” as Native Americans and “covered their faces with masks in order to attack the police anonymously.”
I don’t think they are enforcing this penal code in New York.
Fayette News
There is even a course for college credit entitled, STUPIDITY. Description: What better topic to rail against at college than stupidity? This course examines it at depth from literary, social, and philosophical perspectives. Offered at Occidental College, a nationally renowned liberal arts college integrating the cultural and intellectual resources of Los Angeles. Oh, that explains it. Even with a course like this, “You can’t fix stupid.”
Even worse, there are still blue laws on the books that show up which appear stupid today. But first …why are they called Blue Laws? Many reference books say that the laws were called “blue” because they were first printed on blue paper. However, historians have said that the term is more likely to be derived from the use of the word “blue” to mean “rigidly moral” and date back to first prohibiting activities on Sundays under the reign of Roman Emperor, Constantine in the year 321.
New Yorkers are still saddled with dozens of anachronistic laws that today seem staggeringly stupid. It’s easy to pass laws regulating people’s behavior but is very difficult to repeal those laws. Among the city and state’s lamest laws:
1. It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s face. A person is guilty of “offensive exhibition” if they operate a public event where a person is “voluntarily submitting to indignities such as the throwing of balls …at one’s head or body.” The law’s origins appears to protect carnies from abusive bosses. Other sections outlaw “propelling” knives at a person, or making them ride a bike or dance “without respite for more than 8 hours.”
2. It is illegal to sell cat or dog hair. A statute that’s part of the state’s anti-cruelty provisions makes it a crime to “import, sell, offer for sale … transport or otherwise market” dog or cat fur. But guess what you can traffic? Coyote, fox, lynx, or bobcat fur.
3. Flirting can result in a $25 fine. Flutter your eye lashes with flirtatious intent and be prepared to cough up a 25 bucks. This is why this statute can only be from the north. This behavior has Southern DNA written all over it. This mannerism would have the jails below the Mason-Dixon line so overcrowded with flirtatious females because we’ve been trained at an early age to flirt.
4. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. If cops ever cracked down on this law, half of Brooklyn would be in jail. However, luckily many states are revoking this band because this once sight for sore eyes is now considered to be eco-friendly. Lucky you, Alabama.
5. No taking selfies with tigers. Say what? Well, since 2014 this law has been on the books with a $500 fine to prevent maulings since there were two in the last ten years when the public was allowed to cozy up to big cats because of county fairs or when traveling circuses came to town.
6. It’s against the law to run a puppet show in a window. I know you’d want to, but don’t even think about it. $25 fine and 30 days in jail.
7. You may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in your pocket. Theoretically, sweet-toothed outlaws would pocket their vanilla cones to hide them from passing policemen. This idea is so uncomfortable I can’t mock it any more than what it already is.
And this is why I started this essay:
8. It’s illegal for two or more mask-wearing people to congregate in public. This law has been in existence since 1845 “when tenant farmers, in response to a lowering of wheat prices, dressed up” as Native Americans and “covered their faces with masks in order to attack the police anonymously.”
I don’t think they are enforcing this penal code in New York.
June 24, 2020
Dear Class of 2020
From the Fayette News, Fayetteville, Georgia
Dear Class of 2020,
Congratulations to all high school graduates! Fifty years ago, I, too, was a Senior in high school, although not graduating until 1971. Nonetheless, in 1970, I was in my last academic year of high school. Now that I have the perspective of fifty years and especially as a retired educator, please let me take a moment to offer a few thoughts.
Even under these extreme circumstances, I know you all are proud to receive your diplomas. You have not left school behind, really, because you are now entering “Life School.” You are about to enter the largest school of all. And I am not speaking of Georgia’s oldest institution of higher learning, the University of Georgia (38,920 enrollment), Georgia State University (53,000+ enrollment) , Georgia Tech (36,489 enrollment), or one of the youngest and yet third largest school in the state, Kennesaw State University (almost 38,000 enrollment).
You are entering the school of life. Instead of classrooms, you’ll have offices, factories, and other professions. Instead of teachers, faculty, and administrators, you’ll have superiors, supervisors, business, and religious leaders of the community. Exams and grades will not be held at regular schedules like what you are accustomed to, but there will be exams and your “grades” will be posted for everyone to see.
You will find all of school in life. It will take doing your homework to be successful. You’ll find surprise quizzes when sudden problems arise and require mature judgment. The school spirit you once had for your hometown school will now be for America itself. The extracurricular activities which you enjoyed so much will now be based around your future families and social get-togethers.
Our school board cannot provide you with a routine graduation ceremony during this pandemic. You are the Seniors born the year of the September 11, 2001 terror attacks – the morning when there were four coordinated attacks by the Islamic terrorist group al-Qaeda against the United States. Those of us who remember 9/11 had our world changed forever as your world was just beginning. Now this virus has affected us, and you, again. You can still be genuinely proud of your accomplishments and know with all your reserve, the commodity not needed for immediate use but available if required, will go with you for any future contest, conflict, or dispute. Your graduating class is made of strong stuff.
Don’t forget that the next “school bell” that rings will find you “in class” for the “required course” in ADULTHOOD, where the tests you are given will determine your future forever! So be glad that you’ve passed high school but remember not to flunk your future.
With Regards,
Lee St. John #1 Amazon Humor Writer
Dear Class of 2020,
Congratulations to all high school graduates! Fifty years ago, I, too, was a Senior in high school, although not graduating until 1971. Nonetheless, in 1970, I was in my last academic year of high school. Now that I have the perspective of fifty years and especially as a retired educator, please let me take a moment to offer a few thoughts.
Even under these extreme circumstances, I know you all are proud to receive your diplomas. You have not left school behind, really, because you are now entering “Life School.” You are about to enter the largest school of all. And I am not speaking of Georgia’s oldest institution of higher learning, the University of Georgia (38,920 enrollment), Georgia State University (53,000+ enrollment) , Georgia Tech (36,489 enrollment), or one of the youngest and yet third largest school in the state, Kennesaw State University (almost 38,000 enrollment).
You are entering the school of life. Instead of classrooms, you’ll have offices, factories, and other professions. Instead of teachers, faculty, and administrators, you’ll have superiors, supervisors, business, and religious leaders of the community. Exams and grades will not be held at regular schedules like what you are accustomed to, but there will be exams and your “grades” will be posted for everyone to see.
You will find all of school in life. It will take doing your homework to be successful. You’ll find surprise quizzes when sudden problems arise and require mature judgment. The school spirit you once had for your hometown school will now be for America itself. The extracurricular activities which you enjoyed so much will now be based around your future families and social get-togethers.
Our school board cannot provide you with a routine graduation ceremony during this pandemic. You are the Seniors born the year of the September 11, 2001 terror attacks – the morning when there were four coordinated attacks by the Islamic terrorist group al-Qaeda against the United States. Those of us who remember 9/11 had our world changed forever as your world was just beginning. Now this virus has affected us, and you, again. You can still be genuinely proud of your accomplishments and know with all your reserve, the commodity not needed for immediate use but available if required, will go with you for any future contest, conflict, or dispute. Your graduating class is made of strong stuff.
Don’t forget that the next “school bell” that rings will find you “in class” for the “required course” in ADULTHOOD, where the tests you are given will determine your future forever! So be glad that you’ve passed high school but remember not to flunk your future.
With Regards,
Lee St. John #1 Amazon Humor Writer
April 3, 2020
Back to the Future
Fayette News
Back to the Future
On February 19, 2020, more than a dozen people set out on a twenty-five day adventure rafting the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. When they left, the Democratic debate in Las Vegas was to be held that evening with Bernie Sanders having a double-digit lead. In mainland China, cases of coronavirus were showing signs of decline.
Their enterprise came to an end on March 21 with a disturbing reality. As they paddled to shore for the last time, the first other human being they’d encountered in nearly a month asked this question, “Have you had any contact with the outside world?”
The group shrugged and said no. Then the man sighed and continued while rolling his eyes, “The world is going crazy. You’ve got a lot to hear. The stock market crashed, toilet paper is out everywhere, Italy closed its border, and the NBA isn’t doing games anymore.”
Imagine hearing all that after twenty-five days of being off the grid. I found some other headlines that these rafters also missed and might catch their interest. All are true but one. Can you guess which one is not real?
Planters made an announcement in late January on Twitter: Mr. Peanut died. You know the one…that cartoon peanut with a top hat and monocle. Mr. Peanut, according to the ad they released, sacrificed himself after a car crash to save his friends. The announcement was shocking but the reaction to it was more shocking because of the reactions to it: people loved that Mr. Peanut died. They hoped he roasted in hell. His death was celebrated all over the internet. There was cheering in the streets. Who would have thought people cared about Mr. Peanut that much. That would have a big shock coming back to reality with that news, too.
Here’s another surprise for the group. People all over the world stepped up to donate to Australia’s cause of dealing with devastating wildfires. Kaylen Ward, one enterprising woman, went above and beyond by sending nude photos to anyone who donated at least $10 to the organizations working to put out the fires. All she asked was to send proof that you donated. And guess what? She raised over $1 million and she gave herself a new nickname: the “Naked Philanthropist”.
Hey, Rafters – would you believe this? There have been mysterious sightings of swarms of drones in the sky over Colorado and Nebraska. Those reporting this development claim they are “as big as cars, flying in groups in grid patterns at night.” Authorities expressed that there is nothing weird about the flying objects. Of course, conspiracy theories proliferated with some believing in aliens while others are convinced it’s the military and they are not admitting to any of it. So, mysterious UFO sightings start this decade and while you were rafting, you failed to hear about it.
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met up backstage at the 2020 SAG awards where they were both winners in the respective categories and where the paparazzi went crazy trying to tie them back together after fifteen years apart. Rumors started flying as they were photographed together being rather cozy as many body language experts noticed. This will make great fodder for the remaining year.
And finally, how surprised will these adventurists be once they face reality and find their own toilet paper shortage. But never fear. If they are traumatized, all they have to do is call Stanley Morgan of Morgan & Morgan Attorney at Law to see if they may be entitled to compensation!
Back to the Future
On February 19, 2020, more than a dozen people set out on a twenty-five day adventure rafting the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. When they left, the Democratic debate in Las Vegas was to be held that evening with Bernie Sanders having a double-digit lead. In mainland China, cases of coronavirus were showing signs of decline.
Their enterprise came to an end on March 21 with a disturbing reality. As they paddled to shore for the last time, the first other human being they’d encountered in nearly a month asked this question, “Have you had any contact with the outside world?”
The group shrugged and said no. Then the man sighed and continued while rolling his eyes, “The world is going crazy. You’ve got a lot to hear. The stock market crashed, toilet paper is out everywhere, Italy closed its border, and the NBA isn’t doing games anymore.”
Imagine hearing all that after twenty-five days of being off the grid. I found some other headlines that these rafters also missed and might catch their interest. All are true but one. Can you guess which one is not real?
Planters made an announcement in late January on Twitter: Mr. Peanut died. You know the one…that cartoon peanut with a top hat and monocle. Mr. Peanut, according to the ad they released, sacrificed himself after a car crash to save his friends. The announcement was shocking but the reaction to it was more shocking because of the reactions to it: people loved that Mr. Peanut died. They hoped he roasted in hell. His death was celebrated all over the internet. There was cheering in the streets. Who would have thought people cared about Mr. Peanut that much. That would have a big shock coming back to reality with that news, too.
Here’s another surprise for the group. People all over the world stepped up to donate to Australia’s cause of dealing with devastating wildfires. Kaylen Ward, one enterprising woman, went above and beyond by sending nude photos to anyone who donated at least $10 to the organizations working to put out the fires. All she asked was to send proof that you donated. And guess what? She raised over $1 million and she gave herself a new nickname: the “Naked Philanthropist”.
Hey, Rafters – would you believe this? There have been mysterious sightings of swarms of drones in the sky over Colorado and Nebraska. Those reporting this development claim they are “as big as cars, flying in groups in grid patterns at night.” Authorities expressed that there is nothing weird about the flying objects. Of course, conspiracy theories proliferated with some believing in aliens while others are convinced it’s the military and they are not admitting to any of it. So, mysterious UFO sightings start this decade and while you were rafting, you failed to hear about it.
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met up backstage at the 2020 SAG awards where they were both winners in the respective categories and where the paparazzi went crazy trying to tie them back together after fifteen years apart. Rumors started flying as they were photographed together being rather cozy as many body language experts noticed. This will make great fodder for the remaining year.
And finally, how surprised will these adventurists be once they face reality and find their own toilet paper shortage. But never fear. If they are traumatized, all they have to do is call Stanley Morgan of Morgan & Morgan Attorney at Law to see if they may be entitled to compensation!
March 4, 2020
Give You a Minute to Mullet It Over
Hey, y’all.
Do you remember the 1980s and the mullet haircut? You may have worn one yourself. Don’t feel embarrassed. Well, maybe you should if someone pulls out some old-timey picture of you with one. Don’t feel bad. You were in good company - George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Paul McCartney, Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Bolton, and many more had that same hairdo. Today Billy Ray Cyrus and Rod Stewart still keep theirs.
What say? Some of you do not know what the mullet is? There is even a book, THE MULLET: Hairstyle of the Gods by Mark Larson for you to read and reminisce about your previous haircut…or educate some of you if you have not been exposed to that ‘do’ of the 1980s. If you are not aware what a mullet hairstyle is, the mullet-cut is a style in which the hair is short at the front coupled with a long mane in the back. Let’s be real – it’s really just a neck beard! The mullet has been making people ugly since the dawn of time. Think of the Geico Caveman commercial. I’ll give you a minute to mullet it over.
Also think about Samson and his story from the Bible. Samson’s long hair served a purpose and if it was ever cut, he would lose his strength. Many of the Biblical movies from the 20th century had the men of the Bible wear the mullets.
There are some celebrities who continue to own one: Billy Ray Cyrus and Rod Stewart come to mind. And do you wonder why they keep the same haircut? My guess is they know the secret of never looking old in pictures. Can anyone say with certainty, “Is that picture of Billy Ray from the 1980s or 2000s?” or “That Rod Stewart never seems to age.” Well, that’s because he has always looked old. You really can’t tell. And that’s the point. Keep the same do and you never grow old in pictures.
The celebrities that moved on did so sooner than later but then there was Michael Bolton! He kept his style a little too long. Man his was ugly as homemade sin. I don’t know why there is the saying, “Business up front. Party in the back.” But I do believe that it’s true to say the mullet blocks the sun, therefore you can’t get a red neck.
Did President Trump have a partial-mullet in the 1980s? I know his was long in front but it was longer in back. But weren’t most everyone you knew in that decade carrying this cut? He was no different trying to be stylish, but whoever told him that hairdo looked good, lied. Not even Chuck Norris or Joe Dirt can pull this ‘do’ off.
Women were just as bad: Ellen Degeneres, had one. Florence Henderson just about beats all of the women who ever had a mullet. You know her…the mom from the 1970s Brady Bunch TV show? Bless their hearts.
I think if you keep the same style cut you never look old. Think back on Doris Day, Princess Grace, and Audrey Hepburn. Today those still looking young with the same cut are: Halle Berry, Julianne Moore, Sandra Bullock, and Jennifer Aniston.
And maybe Donald Trump.
Do you remember the 1980s and the mullet haircut? You may have worn one yourself. Don’t feel embarrassed. Well, maybe you should if someone pulls out some old-timey picture of you with one. Don’t feel bad. You were in good company - George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Paul McCartney, Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Bolton, and many more had that same hairdo. Today Billy Ray Cyrus and Rod Stewart still keep theirs.
What say? Some of you do not know what the mullet is? There is even a book, THE MULLET: Hairstyle of the Gods by Mark Larson for you to read and reminisce about your previous haircut…or educate some of you if you have not been exposed to that ‘do’ of the 1980s. If you are not aware what a mullet hairstyle is, the mullet-cut is a style in which the hair is short at the front coupled with a long mane in the back. Let’s be real – it’s really just a neck beard! The mullet has been making people ugly since the dawn of time. Think of the Geico Caveman commercial. I’ll give you a minute to mullet it over.
Also think about Samson and his story from the Bible. Samson’s long hair served a purpose and if it was ever cut, he would lose his strength. Many of the Biblical movies from the 20th century had the men of the Bible wear the mullets.
There are some celebrities who continue to own one: Billy Ray Cyrus and Rod Stewart come to mind. And do you wonder why they keep the same haircut? My guess is they know the secret of never looking old in pictures. Can anyone say with certainty, “Is that picture of Billy Ray from the 1980s or 2000s?” or “That Rod Stewart never seems to age.” Well, that’s because he has always looked old. You really can’t tell. And that’s the point. Keep the same do and you never grow old in pictures.
The celebrities that moved on did so sooner than later but then there was Michael Bolton! He kept his style a little too long. Man his was ugly as homemade sin. I don’t know why there is the saying, “Business up front. Party in the back.” But I do believe that it’s true to say the mullet blocks the sun, therefore you can’t get a red neck.
Did President Trump have a partial-mullet in the 1980s? I know his was long in front but it was longer in back. But weren’t most everyone you knew in that decade carrying this cut? He was no different trying to be stylish, but whoever told him that hairdo looked good, lied. Not even Chuck Norris or Joe Dirt can pull this ‘do’ off.
Women were just as bad: Ellen Degeneres, had one. Florence Henderson just about beats all of the women who ever had a mullet. You know her…the mom from the 1970s Brady Bunch TV show? Bless their hearts.
I think if you keep the same style cut you never look old. Think back on Doris Day, Princess Grace, and Audrey Hepburn. Today those still looking young with the same cut are: Halle Berry, Julianne Moore, Sandra Bullock, and Jennifer Aniston.
And maybe Donald Trump.
