Lee St. John's Blog, page 3
August 6, 2022
WART Are You Talking About?
from STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS ~ Newspaper Columns from a Sassy Southern Storyteller
Found on Amazon.
https://tinyurl.com/346ra8dh
Sometime around 1961 when I was about eight years old, my mother noticed a wart between two of my fingers on my left hand. It might have been unsightly, but to me it was uncomfortable. Warts are caused by a virus. It is said that most will go away, after a time, by themselves. But who knows when?
One summer day, she drove down a country road in my Georgia hometown taking me to what I now know is called a ‘traiteur’. Traiteurs, or "treaters" in English, are the traditional folk medicine healers of south Louisiana. Cajuns, Creoles, and Native Americans all participate in this Catholic healing ritual.
There are many types of traiteurs; some use herbal remedies (remèdes), gestures such as the sign of the Cross or the laying on of hands, or material objects such as knotted string, a cordon, which is tied around the affected area, in their treatments, but all of them use prayer. Faith in God's power to heal is the heart of this practice.
Traiteurs can treat a wide variety of ailments, including but by no means limited to warts, such as sunstroke, bleeding, arthritis, and asthma, however their services are not for sale. Patients tend to reciprocate by offering a gift of appreciation, but not even the empty-handed will ever be refused treatment. The gift of treating is usually passed from an older traiteur to a younger person, often in the same family.
This woman rubbed on my wart and talked what seemed like mumbo-jumbo directly to it. I do not remember what my mother gave to thank her. I’ve read that when rubbed by another person or if the ‘traiteur’ licks their own fingers and then rubs it on the other person’s wart, the chemical reaction from their DNA sometimes speeds up the process of having a wart fall off. And this is exactly what happened. Although there was no licking involved, within two weeks, it was gone.
Sometimes it is a little more involved. Not only touching the wart but sometimes the person commencing the wart ceremony will do some kind of speaking, as in my case, and the wart disappears. But, other ‘traiteurs’ have their own remedies for warts. Some involve potatoes. It seems if you cut a potato in half and rub it on the wart, and then bury that tater, it would remove your wart. I’ve also heard of using a fat piece of meat and burying it afterwards.
Of course, there’s muriatic acid if you don’t want to take these routes. But that sure ain’t fun.
Or as a couple of others expressed, “My brother, just a year older, and I used to fight all the time. He ‘conjured’ a wart off my nose – with a right hook one day. Never came back!”
But my personal favorite is, “I had an uncle who would bite them off. Of course, he was from the old country and would eat anything.”
Found on Amazon.
https://tinyurl.com/346ra8dh
Sometime around 1961 when I was about eight years old, my mother noticed a wart between two of my fingers on my left hand. It might have been unsightly, but to me it was uncomfortable. Warts are caused by a virus. It is said that most will go away, after a time, by themselves. But who knows when?
One summer day, she drove down a country road in my Georgia hometown taking me to what I now know is called a ‘traiteur’. Traiteurs, or "treaters" in English, are the traditional folk medicine healers of south Louisiana. Cajuns, Creoles, and Native Americans all participate in this Catholic healing ritual.
There are many types of traiteurs; some use herbal remedies (remèdes), gestures such as the sign of the Cross or the laying on of hands, or material objects such as knotted string, a cordon, which is tied around the affected area, in their treatments, but all of them use prayer. Faith in God's power to heal is the heart of this practice.
Traiteurs can treat a wide variety of ailments, including but by no means limited to warts, such as sunstroke, bleeding, arthritis, and asthma, however their services are not for sale. Patients tend to reciprocate by offering a gift of appreciation, but not even the empty-handed will ever be refused treatment. The gift of treating is usually passed from an older traiteur to a younger person, often in the same family.
This woman rubbed on my wart and talked what seemed like mumbo-jumbo directly to it. I do not remember what my mother gave to thank her. I’ve read that when rubbed by another person or if the ‘traiteur’ licks their own fingers and then rubs it on the other person’s wart, the chemical reaction from their DNA sometimes speeds up the process of having a wart fall off. And this is exactly what happened. Although there was no licking involved, within two weeks, it was gone.
Sometimes it is a little more involved. Not only touching the wart but sometimes the person commencing the wart ceremony will do some kind of speaking, as in my case, and the wart disappears. But, other ‘traiteurs’ have their own remedies for warts. Some involve potatoes. It seems if you cut a potato in half and rub it on the wart, and then bury that tater, it would remove your wart. I’ve also heard of using a fat piece of meat and burying it afterwards.
Of course, there’s muriatic acid if you don’t want to take these routes. But that sure ain’t fun.
Or as a couple of others expressed, “My brother, just a year older, and I used to fight all the time. He ‘conjured’ a wart off my nose – with a right hook one day. Never came back!”
But my personal favorite is, “I had an uncle who would bite them off. Of course, he was from the old country and would eat anything.”
July 12, 2022
Been There. Done That.
How savvy are you?
Do not peek at the answers at the bottom of the page. The following sentences describe 25 out of the 1,000 new words added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary back in 2017. The batch features plenty of internet-bred slang terms. Even if you’ve never heard of the words, I bet you’ve acted on them.
Understanding this new jargon will freak our children and grand-children out knowing we are keeping up-to-date with their latest trends. Try using these new words in your everyday conversation with them and see their reaction:
What is it called?
1. Throwing something into the trash or trying to make a basketball shot you completely miss the basket.
2. Finding a TV show I am crazy about, I’ve recorded and watched every episode in rapid succession.
3. How much are you finding the increased popularity of the elderberry flower on the labels in the making of wines, liqueurs, and teas?
4. If you tell me the elderberry flower has always been popular in wines and such then I’ll need to cover my face with my hand in embarrassment.
5. With maturity I do not take the quick and cheap approach to wanting to wear the latest fashion trends.
6. Some people of affluence or privilege like to think their minor or trivial problems or annoyances, like their phone not working, supersede people in poor and underdeveloped parts of the world.
7. There are those who are unable to consistently access or afford adequate food.
8. Abruptly cancelling contact with a long-time friend by no longer accepting or responding to that person’s phone calls or any other lines of communication is what?
9. Prince Harry refers to himself as this because of his red hair.
10. Do politicians running for office make seemingly modest, self-critical, or casual statements or reference that are meant to draw attention to their admirable or impressive qualities or achievements?
11. After finding a new recipe, I will take the magazine article with me to the grocery which contains a series of items presented as a list.
12. One friend I know will subtly and often make a comment, unintentionally, expressing a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group.
13. I don’t like to think about the community of microorganisms that live in or on my body.
14. Young Adult stories in film are popular and tend to focus primarily on the intimate lives of the young characters with ample dialogue and minimal action.
15. Does your workplace tell you some websites, email attachments, etc. are not suitable for viewing?
16. Have you ever moved into the frame of a photograph as a joke or prank as it is being taken?
17. Detectives are now able to find the guilty from signals sent from one computer to another across a network for usually diagnostic purposes.
18. It’s a real problem when people are not able to recognize faces of people they know.
19. Who didn’t love Dr. Suess’ books?
20. We parents have seen those sidelong glances expressing scorn, suspicion, disapproval, or veiled curiosity from our children.
21. I know I am an utter disaster or mess and source of trouble.
22. Thinking our large news organizations are a part of a powerful conspiracy concealing important subjects or events is called what?
23. I tend to use the back of my SUV a lot.
24. What would you call something outlandishly mystical, supernatural, or unscientific.
25. And then how would you surprisingly express it?
1. Airball (v.)
2. Binge-watch (v.)
3. Elderflower (n.)
4. Face-palm (v.)
5. Fast fashion (n.)
6. First world problem (n.)
7. Food insecure (adj.)
8. Ghost (v.)
9. Ginger
10. Humblebrag (v.)
11. Listicle (n.)
12. Microaggression (n.)
13. Microbiome (n.)
14. Mumblecore (n.)
15. NSFW (abbr.)
16. Photobomb (v.)
17. Ping (n.)
18. Prosopagnosia (n.)
19. Seussian (adj.)
20. Side-eye (n.)
21. Train wreck (n.)
22. Truther (n.)
23. Way back (n.)
24. Woo-Woo (adj.)
25. Yowza (interj.)
How did you do?
Do not peek at the answers at the bottom of the page. The following sentences describe 25 out of the 1,000 new words added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary back in 2017. The batch features plenty of internet-bred slang terms. Even if you’ve never heard of the words, I bet you’ve acted on them.
Understanding this new jargon will freak our children and grand-children out knowing we are keeping up-to-date with their latest trends. Try using these new words in your everyday conversation with them and see their reaction:
What is it called?
1. Throwing something into the trash or trying to make a basketball shot you completely miss the basket.
2. Finding a TV show I am crazy about, I’ve recorded and watched every episode in rapid succession.
3. How much are you finding the increased popularity of the elderberry flower on the labels in the making of wines, liqueurs, and teas?
4. If you tell me the elderberry flower has always been popular in wines and such then I’ll need to cover my face with my hand in embarrassment.
5. With maturity I do not take the quick and cheap approach to wanting to wear the latest fashion trends.
6. Some people of affluence or privilege like to think their minor or trivial problems or annoyances, like their phone not working, supersede people in poor and underdeveloped parts of the world.
7. There are those who are unable to consistently access or afford adequate food.
8. Abruptly cancelling contact with a long-time friend by no longer accepting or responding to that person’s phone calls or any other lines of communication is what?
9. Prince Harry refers to himself as this because of his red hair.
10. Do politicians running for office make seemingly modest, self-critical, or casual statements or reference that are meant to draw attention to their admirable or impressive qualities or achievements?
11. After finding a new recipe, I will take the magazine article with me to the grocery which contains a series of items presented as a list.
12. One friend I know will subtly and often make a comment, unintentionally, expressing a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group.
13. I don’t like to think about the community of microorganisms that live in or on my body.
14. Young Adult stories in film are popular and tend to focus primarily on the intimate lives of the young characters with ample dialogue and minimal action.
15. Does your workplace tell you some websites, email attachments, etc. are not suitable for viewing?
16. Have you ever moved into the frame of a photograph as a joke or prank as it is being taken?
17. Detectives are now able to find the guilty from signals sent from one computer to another across a network for usually diagnostic purposes.
18. It’s a real problem when people are not able to recognize faces of people they know.
19. Who didn’t love Dr. Suess’ books?
20. We parents have seen those sidelong glances expressing scorn, suspicion, disapproval, or veiled curiosity from our children.
21. I know I am an utter disaster or mess and source of trouble.
22. Thinking our large news organizations are a part of a powerful conspiracy concealing important subjects or events is called what?
23. I tend to use the back of my SUV a lot.
24. What would you call something outlandishly mystical, supernatural, or unscientific.
25. And then how would you surprisingly express it?
1. Airball (v.)
2. Binge-watch (v.)
3. Elderflower (n.)
4. Face-palm (v.)
5. Fast fashion (n.)
6. First world problem (n.)
7. Food insecure (adj.)
8. Ghost (v.)
9. Ginger
10. Humblebrag (v.)
11. Listicle (n.)
12. Microaggression (n.)
13. Microbiome (n.)
14. Mumblecore (n.)
15. NSFW (abbr.)
16. Photobomb (v.)
17. Ping (n.)
18. Prosopagnosia (n.)
19. Seussian (adj.)
20. Side-eye (n.)
21. Train wreck (n.)
22. Truther (n.)
23. Way back (n.)
24. Woo-Woo (adj.)
25. Yowza (interj.)
How did you do?
April 26, 2022
Where Do Babies Come From?
Lee helps with answering (or deflecting) this age old question.
www.facebook.com/watch/?v=35375465014...
Cockamamie Memoirs from a Hot Southern Mess – https://tinyurl.com/a4j6nkhh
Teacher Tattletales and Other Southern Shenanigans - https://tinyurl.com/sgyrtyg
Still Crazy After All These Years ~ Newspaper Columns from a Sassy Southern Storyteller https://tinyurl.com/4553ccu3
Finally Home anthology - https://tinyurl.com/vxphzy2
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Believe in Miracles https://tinyurl.com/w82p326
Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show...
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and The Fayette News
Television: Atlanta and Company guest panelist
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: voice for OB, the Storytelling Dog
Judge of humor writing for Erma Bombeck’s Humor Writing Contests
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Found on Amazon.com
www.facebook.com/watch/?v=35375465014...
Cockamamie Memoirs from a Hot Southern Mess – https://tinyurl.com/a4j6nkhh
Teacher Tattletales and Other Southern Shenanigans - https://tinyurl.com/sgyrtyg
Still Crazy After All These Years ~ Newspaper Columns from a Sassy Southern Storyteller https://tinyurl.com/4553ccu3
Finally Home anthology - https://tinyurl.com/vxphzy2
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Believe in Miracles https://tinyurl.com/w82p326
Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show...
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and The Fayette News
Television: Atlanta and Company guest panelist
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: voice for OB, the Storytelling Dog
Judge of humor writing for Erma Bombeck’s Humor Writing Contests
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Found on Amazon.com
April 5, 2022
You Were a Good Boy, Jager
Surrounded by Idiots
~from STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS Newspaper Columns from a Sassy Southern Storyteller
Told by OB and dedicated to the memory of Jager Webster.
Are humans the only ones surrounded by idiots? I know a few…
Wait a minute. Mama is calling me. What are you saying Mama? That’s funny, mama. I’ll tell them: Mama wants me to tell you this joke: Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? That’s how dogs spend their lives.
Good one, Mama!
Back to the idiots I know about. While at the dog park I hung out with the owners of the dogs sitting at the picnic table. I overheard a lot! I don’t know all these dogs and I may not want to! One mother said her yellow lab dug up the buried hamster in their backyard, then promptly came inside and puked it all up. What an idiot!
One of the dads at the table said while he was browsing the running section in Nike with his dog, Georgia, who took a liking to the AstroTurf grass that was part of the central display. That’s when she decided that it would be an appropriate time to take a poop in the middle of the store! He even told the dog’s name – which all I have to do is ask the other dogs where Georgia is and keep my distance after hearing this story. I’d never – I am a gentleman.
Another lady said her dog ate an entire rack of cooked pork ribs and had to visit the vet. After three different medicines, her dog never puked. For twenty minutes, the staff resorted to playing helicopter – spinning around to make him spin around- so he would give up the contents of his stomach, which he finally did. However, I also heard his mom say that one of the staff members puked before he did. These guys are idiots!
The conversation went on and on: a pit bull ate half a box of paintballs (around 500) and for the next week he had fluorescent orange poops. An Irish terrier would frequently sneak into a neighbor’s garage and steal a can of their dog food stash and come back with it in his mouth hoping his family would open it up. Another canine ate her Petco Frisbee in 30 seconds and of course it came out in small red pieces with one still having the Petco name intact.
Mama? You said something? Oh, of course mama – can’t forget this one. Mama’s friend has two Australian dogs, JJ and Benny, who love to trick each other. JJ is able to fool his brother into getting up and following him so that JJ can then turn around and take Benny’s favorite spot on the dog bed. Now that’s a SMART dog.
I’ve got to try that one with my nephew, Jager, sometime.
~from STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS Newspaper Columns from a Sassy Southern Storyteller
Told by OB and dedicated to the memory of Jager Webster.
Are humans the only ones surrounded by idiots? I know a few…
Wait a minute. Mama is calling me. What are you saying Mama? That’s funny, mama. I’ll tell them: Mama wants me to tell you this joke: Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? That’s how dogs spend their lives.
Good one, Mama!
Back to the idiots I know about. While at the dog park I hung out with the owners of the dogs sitting at the picnic table. I overheard a lot! I don’t know all these dogs and I may not want to! One mother said her yellow lab dug up the buried hamster in their backyard, then promptly came inside and puked it all up. What an idiot!
One of the dads at the table said while he was browsing the running section in Nike with his dog, Georgia, who took a liking to the AstroTurf grass that was part of the central display. That’s when she decided that it would be an appropriate time to take a poop in the middle of the store! He even told the dog’s name – which all I have to do is ask the other dogs where Georgia is and keep my distance after hearing this story. I’d never – I am a gentleman.
Another lady said her dog ate an entire rack of cooked pork ribs and had to visit the vet. After three different medicines, her dog never puked. For twenty minutes, the staff resorted to playing helicopter – spinning around to make him spin around- so he would give up the contents of his stomach, which he finally did. However, I also heard his mom say that one of the staff members puked before he did. These guys are idiots!
The conversation went on and on: a pit bull ate half a box of paintballs (around 500) and for the next week he had fluorescent orange poops. An Irish terrier would frequently sneak into a neighbor’s garage and steal a can of their dog food stash and come back with it in his mouth hoping his family would open it up. Another canine ate her Petco Frisbee in 30 seconds and of course it came out in small red pieces with one still having the Petco name intact.
Mama? You said something? Oh, of course mama – can’t forget this one. Mama’s friend has two Australian dogs, JJ and Benny, who love to trick each other. JJ is able to fool his brother into getting up and following him so that JJ can then turn around and take Benny’s favorite spot on the dog bed. Now that’s a SMART dog.
I’ve got to try that one with my nephew, Jager, sometime.
March 11, 2022
Calling Dick Tracy
In my formative years, as a product of the 1950s, I pretended I was Dale Evans. My down-the-street neighbor was Roy Rogers. He was just a year older than me when we played Dale and Roy and we were both around the age of four and five. I ran down to his house, rang the front doorbell, his mother would answer, and I asked, “Can Roy come out to play?”
I had the entire cowgirl outfit. I was dressed in Dale’s solid red shirt with a plaid kerchief and a faux suede jacket with fringe. There was a round skirt and I kept a holster around my waist for my toy gun. I wore white majorette boots. My cowgirl hat was tan and I wore tan gloves so I wouldn’t chap my hands while pretending to ride my horse, Buttermilk. My childhood friend dressed similar to Roy, well, as best he could. I am sure he didn’t put as much effort into it as I.
Having my own children and catering to their imaginations, when the oldest was around four, his pretend play consisted of Popeye, Robin Hood, Superman, or Dick Tracy. I even let him wear his costumes to the grocery store or other public places. People greeted him and said something like, “Hi there, Superman!” or whoever he was that day.
One rainy day while dressed as Dick Tracy with his yellow hat, yellow overcoat, and two-way wrist radio watch, I tried to figure out what would interest him, so I took him to the city’s police station. When we walked inside, I looked directly into the eyes of the lady at the front desk, all the while shaking my head in the negative when I asked her, “Is Dick Tracy here today?”
I had to ask twice because, at first, she didn’t understand my questioning and where I was going with it, but seeing mini-Dick Tracy, she put two and two together while I continued shaking my head for her realize I wanted her to say no.
She did.
“Why, uh, no, he isn’t,” she said.
“But he does have a desk here, right? I mean, his desk is in his office even though he is not available?”
This time she got my drift as I nodded in the affirmative behind my son’s back.
“Why, yes, he has an office here. I can show you where he works,” she commented as she pointed to a closed door.
And when she opened the door, there sat an empty desk with papers scattered all over it as though someone was busy at work and had been called away in a rush. I turned to our oldest and said, “See, honey? Dick Tracy is out catching criminals and isn’t at his desk. He’s very busy. We tried.”
If you are looking for something to do, maybe on a rainy day to make it fun but doesn’t cost money…just entertain your child or grandchild by taking them someplace that doesn’t really exist, make up a story that one day you can retell or write about to embarrass your children…or yourself.
~from Cockamamie Memoirs from a Hot Southern Mess by #Leestjohn #Leestjohnauthor
I had the entire cowgirl outfit. I was dressed in Dale’s solid red shirt with a plaid kerchief and a faux suede jacket with fringe. There was a round skirt and I kept a holster around my waist for my toy gun. I wore white majorette boots. My cowgirl hat was tan and I wore tan gloves so I wouldn’t chap my hands while pretending to ride my horse, Buttermilk. My childhood friend dressed similar to Roy, well, as best he could. I am sure he didn’t put as much effort into it as I.
Having my own children and catering to their imaginations, when the oldest was around four, his pretend play consisted of Popeye, Robin Hood, Superman, or Dick Tracy. I even let him wear his costumes to the grocery store or other public places. People greeted him and said something like, “Hi there, Superman!” or whoever he was that day.
One rainy day while dressed as Dick Tracy with his yellow hat, yellow overcoat, and two-way wrist radio watch, I tried to figure out what would interest him, so I took him to the city’s police station. When we walked inside, I looked directly into the eyes of the lady at the front desk, all the while shaking my head in the negative when I asked her, “Is Dick Tracy here today?”
I had to ask twice because, at first, she didn’t understand my questioning and where I was going with it, but seeing mini-Dick Tracy, she put two and two together while I continued shaking my head for her realize I wanted her to say no.
She did.
“Why, uh, no, he isn’t,” she said.
“But he does have a desk here, right? I mean, his desk is in his office even though he is not available?”
This time she got my drift as I nodded in the affirmative behind my son’s back.
“Why, yes, he has an office here. I can show you where he works,” she commented as she pointed to a closed door.
And when she opened the door, there sat an empty desk with papers scattered all over it as though someone was busy at work and had been called away in a rush. I turned to our oldest and said, “See, honey? Dick Tracy is out catching criminals and isn’t at his desk. He’s very busy. We tried.”
If you are looking for something to do, maybe on a rainy day to make it fun but doesn’t cost money…just entertain your child or grandchild by taking them someplace that doesn’t really exist, make up a story that one day you can retell or write about to embarrass your children…or yourself.
~from Cockamamie Memoirs from a Hot Southern Mess by #Leestjohn #Leestjohnauthor
January 1, 2022
OB's New Year Resolutions
How good are you at keeping your New Year's Resolutions, or do you make them anymore? Here are my dog, OB's, resolutions.
https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnaut...
Found also in:
http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Still Crazy After All These Years ~ Newspaper Columns from a Sassy Southern Storyteller https://tinyurl.com/4553ccu3
https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnaut...
Found also in:
http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Still Crazy After All These Years ~ Newspaper Columns from a Sassy Southern Storyteller https://tinyurl.com/4553ccu3
December 12, 2021
No Hope at Christmas
Fayette News
from 2020
I started watching Hallmark Christmas Movies to chase off the blues from COVID and the chaos from the recent Presidential election, I found that reviewing these movies has helped my mental health tremendously. How are you doing?
After seven grandsons, Mel Odious, is tickled pink (idiom intended) learning he now has a granddaughter, Hope. Ira Pent Church in Arkansas was proud to watch Mel’s progeny grow up to be a hometown darling.
Like Mel, she has a beautiful singing voice. Hope sang in concerts across the state and although not a beauty, she did win the talent portion in the Miss Arkansas contest. Her claim to fame was winning the State Fair’s Hog Calling Contest. No one can “suey” like Hope.
This year’s church concert is drawing closer. With so much talent, Mel’s granddaughter, Hope Ferdebest, continues being asked to perform with her hometown church choir even though she now lives two hours away. This gifted young lady is the main attraction as she will perform all the solos.
A commercial interrupts this story. I suppose with all the choir members in this movie having pretty white teeth (which we can see during their rehearsals), it would be a natural for Crest to have a commercial.
Returning to our program, we see our soloist clutching at her throat a bit. Have you ever noticed actors asking other actors throughout a program, “Are you OK?” Well, I have and it is so irritating that I started counting. In this show alone, with everyone worried about our soloist, I counted eleven times. (My second most irritating question asked in movies is, “What are YOU doing here?”)
Anyway, she is NOT alright and runs off stage to find a lozenge.
Commercial for? You guessed it. It’s Hall’s Breezes throat lozenges. These throat drops come in many flavors like strawberry, cherry, raspberry, and grape. I stayed to watch this ad. My throat was beginning to hurt, too.
When we return, there is no sight of our gal! Where could she be? The whole church choir starts looking for her…in the chorus room, in the ladies restrooms, in the dining hall, in the kitchen pantry, in the court yard, in the church library, in the pastor’s office, and in the Sunday
School classes. I mean everywhere. She is nowhere to be found, although everyone is wishing and HOPE FERTEBEST.
Then Hallmark holds us in suspense with another commercial; I chose not to watch this one. I changed the channel to watch something to bide my time until the Hallmark movie comes back on. This station’s commercial is almost over, so I watch it until the storyline continues.
When it does, there is some man who is sitting in a fast food restaurant. He eyes a pretty girl sitting in the next booth drinking hot cocoa and rubbing her throat as though she is in pain. She knows this is J.L. Breaker, a convict recently released from jail for stealing chickens from a local farm. The girl becomes nervous and wonders…wait a minute. This is the IDTV channel I changed to during the Hallmark commercial. Let me go back to my movie.
I have now missed how the choir found our soloist, but after they do, the concert practice session can continue (the lozenges she found helped) and now instead of NO HOPE AT CHRISTMAS, there will be HOPE AT CHRISTMAS. After the concert there will be punch, popcorn balls, and everyone will gather to build a fake snowman with fake snow.
Cast: Hope Ferdebest – Katy Perry
Mel Odious– Ted Danson
Choir Director – some winner from America’s Got Talent – don’t know his name
J.L. Breaker – Jack Nicholson
I am giving this movie three out of ten. The church wasn’t decorated all that much, no Hallmark cocoa, and especially no dog! They asked “Are you OK?” eleven times. I loved the popcorn balls and there was Christmas music sung by a choir, and a frosty snowman, although built with fake snow.
I’ve been asking myself, “What are you doing here?” so this will be the last Hallmark Christmas movie in 2020 I will watch.
Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas!
from 2020
I started watching Hallmark Christmas Movies to chase off the blues from COVID and the chaos from the recent Presidential election, I found that reviewing these movies has helped my mental health tremendously. How are you doing?
After seven grandsons, Mel Odious, is tickled pink (idiom intended) learning he now has a granddaughter, Hope. Ira Pent Church in Arkansas was proud to watch Mel’s progeny grow up to be a hometown darling.
Like Mel, she has a beautiful singing voice. Hope sang in concerts across the state and although not a beauty, she did win the talent portion in the Miss Arkansas contest. Her claim to fame was winning the State Fair’s Hog Calling Contest. No one can “suey” like Hope.
This year’s church concert is drawing closer. With so much talent, Mel’s granddaughter, Hope Ferdebest, continues being asked to perform with her hometown church choir even though she now lives two hours away. This gifted young lady is the main attraction as she will perform all the solos.
A commercial interrupts this story. I suppose with all the choir members in this movie having pretty white teeth (which we can see during their rehearsals), it would be a natural for Crest to have a commercial.
Returning to our program, we see our soloist clutching at her throat a bit. Have you ever noticed actors asking other actors throughout a program, “Are you OK?” Well, I have and it is so irritating that I started counting. In this show alone, with everyone worried about our soloist, I counted eleven times. (My second most irritating question asked in movies is, “What are YOU doing here?”)
Anyway, she is NOT alright and runs off stage to find a lozenge.
Commercial for? You guessed it. It’s Hall’s Breezes throat lozenges. These throat drops come in many flavors like strawberry, cherry, raspberry, and grape. I stayed to watch this ad. My throat was beginning to hurt, too.
When we return, there is no sight of our gal! Where could she be? The whole church choir starts looking for her…in the chorus room, in the ladies restrooms, in the dining hall, in the kitchen pantry, in the court yard, in the church library, in the pastor’s office, and in the Sunday
School classes. I mean everywhere. She is nowhere to be found, although everyone is wishing and HOPE FERTEBEST.
Then Hallmark holds us in suspense with another commercial; I chose not to watch this one. I changed the channel to watch something to bide my time until the Hallmark movie comes back on. This station’s commercial is almost over, so I watch it until the storyline continues.
When it does, there is some man who is sitting in a fast food restaurant. He eyes a pretty girl sitting in the next booth drinking hot cocoa and rubbing her throat as though she is in pain. She knows this is J.L. Breaker, a convict recently released from jail for stealing chickens from a local farm. The girl becomes nervous and wonders…wait a minute. This is the IDTV channel I changed to during the Hallmark commercial. Let me go back to my movie.
I have now missed how the choir found our soloist, but after they do, the concert practice session can continue (the lozenges she found helped) and now instead of NO HOPE AT CHRISTMAS, there will be HOPE AT CHRISTMAS. After the concert there will be punch, popcorn balls, and everyone will gather to build a fake snowman with fake snow.
Cast: Hope Ferdebest – Katy Perry
Mel Odious– Ted Danson
Choir Director – some winner from America’s Got Talent – don’t know his name
J.L. Breaker – Jack Nicholson
I am giving this movie three out of ten. The church wasn’t decorated all that much, no Hallmark cocoa, and especially no dog! They asked “Are you OK?” eleven times. I loved the popcorn balls and there was Christmas music sung by a choir, and a frosty snowman, although built with fake snow.
I’ve been asking myself, “What are you doing here?” so this will be the last Hallmark Christmas movie in 2020 I will watch.
Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas!
October 21, 2021
What Will Your Epitaph Say?
What Will Your Epitaph Say?
Fayette News
and
STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS - Newspaper Columns from a Sassy Southern Storyteller
It's getting close to Halloween so...let's visit cemeteries.
I have a favorite Presbyterian minister from all my years in church. I grew up in the Conyers Presbyterian Church but when I moved to Atlanta after college and before I married, I was a member of Peachtree Presbyterian Church on Roswell Road in Buckhead. It still is a megachurch and today averages about 3,200 in weekly worship. When I attended it was (and still is) one of the largest Presbyterian congregations in the United States of America. My pastor was Dr. Frank W. Harrington.
Perhaps you have heard of him? Dr. Harrington was the senior minister during the time when it was the largest Presbyterian (U.S.A.) church in North America. During his tenure, the church had fewer than 3,000 members when he arrived in 1971. When he died in 1999, there were more than 11,000.
He described Peachtree Presbyterian as “a big church that feels more like a small town” and he worked to keep that atmosphere. He cared about people and always knew his parishioners by name, understanding their circumstances, and tended to them in their time of need.
This man had a message! But he often peppered it with humor. I think that’s why I felt so deeply about him. His humor helped me and I am sure others in his congregation to remember his messages. He performed my wedding ceremony in 1983. There was even a hic-cup in our ceremony that people talked about for a long time after (this comical blame goes to my hubby!).
I always asked the church office for a copy of each of his sermons because they inspired me when I needed his guidance again (still do) and one was entitled, WHAT WILL YOUR EPITAPH SAY? (February 11, 1990). We know that the word ‘epitaph’ is an inscription on or at a tomb or grave in memory of one buried there. The second definition, though, is more to the point: “a brief statement epitomizing a deceased person.”
I truly think Dr. Harrington wouldn’t mind if I took the liberty to have a little levity with this idea.
I have enjoyed my book with tombstone humor, FAMOUS LAST WORDS & TOMBSTONE HUMOR by Gyles Brandreth. Some of the following epitaphs come from this book and some I researched on the internet. The ones I have found are mostly witty and I hope, as you read, you’ll enjoy a bit of humor in these hesitant times we now find ourselves.
They may not all be true, but even so, I hope they provide a short chuckle to your day. Here are some engraved in stone.
J.R. Webb
“Stick and stones will break my bones
But words can never harm me.”
Just my luck…they had plenty of sticks and stones.
No name
Reincarnating: I’ll be right back.
(So, don’t touch my stuff!)
No name
The shell is here
But the nut is gone.
Claire Voyance
She should have seen it coming.
Herman Harband
My wife Eleanor Arthur of Queens, N.Y.
Lived like a princess for 20 years traveling the
World with the best of everything.
When I went blind, she tried to poison me, took
All my money, all my medication, and left me alone
In the dark. Alone and sick, it’s a miracle I escaped.
I won’t see her in heaven because she’s surely going to hell.
Kay’s Fudge (no last name)
2 sq. chocolate, 2 TBS. butter, melt on low heat.
Stir in 1 cup milk and bring to a boil.
Add 3 cups sugar, 1 TBS. vanilla, and pinch of salt.
Cook to soft ball stage. Pour on marble slab. Cool & beat* & eat.
*(I don’t make fudge so I don’t know what it means to beat on a marble slab before eating.)
Henry W. Neu, Jr.
The black sheep of the family.
But I’ve had fun on this earth.
What would you like for your epitaph to say? Mine may say, “In my defense, I was left unsupervised.”
Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: columnist Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Ga.)
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen and The Newnan
Times-Herald
Television: Atlanta and Company Guest Panelist
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: voice for OB, the Storytelling Dog
Magazine: OB featured as a contestant for Atlanta Magazine's Pet Fest's Top Dog
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Can be found on Amazon.com
Fayette News
and
STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS - Newspaper Columns from a Sassy Southern Storyteller
It's getting close to Halloween so...let's visit cemeteries.
I have a favorite Presbyterian minister from all my years in church. I grew up in the Conyers Presbyterian Church but when I moved to Atlanta after college and before I married, I was a member of Peachtree Presbyterian Church on Roswell Road in Buckhead. It still is a megachurch and today averages about 3,200 in weekly worship. When I attended it was (and still is) one of the largest Presbyterian congregations in the United States of America. My pastor was Dr. Frank W. Harrington.
Perhaps you have heard of him? Dr. Harrington was the senior minister during the time when it was the largest Presbyterian (U.S.A.) church in North America. During his tenure, the church had fewer than 3,000 members when he arrived in 1971. When he died in 1999, there were more than 11,000.
He described Peachtree Presbyterian as “a big church that feels more like a small town” and he worked to keep that atmosphere. He cared about people and always knew his parishioners by name, understanding their circumstances, and tended to them in their time of need.
This man had a message! But he often peppered it with humor. I think that’s why I felt so deeply about him. His humor helped me and I am sure others in his congregation to remember his messages. He performed my wedding ceremony in 1983. There was even a hic-cup in our ceremony that people talked about for a long time after (this comical blame goes to my hubby!).
I always asked the church office for a copy of each of his sermons because they inspired me when I needed his guidance again (still do) and one was entitled, WHAT WILL YOUR EPITAPH SAY? (February 11, 1990). We know that the word ‘epitaph’ is an inscription on or at a tomb or grave in memory of one buried there. The second definition, though, is more to the point: “a brief statement epitomizing a deceased person.”
I truly think Dr. Harrington wouldn’t mind if I took the liberty to have a little levity with this idea.
I have enjoyed my book with tombstone humor, FAMOUS LAST WORDS & TOMBSTONE HUMOR by Gyles Brandreth. Some of the following epitaphs come from this book and some I researched on the internet. The ones I have found are mostly witty and I hope, as you read, you’ll enjoy a bit of humor in these hesitant times we now find ourselves.
They may not all be true, but even so, I hope they provide a short chuckle to your day. Here are some engraved in stone.
J.R. Webb
“Stick and stones will break my bones
But words can never harm me.”
Just my luck…they had plenty of sticks and stones.
No name
Reincarnating: I’ll be right back.
(So, don’t touch my stuff!)
No name
The shell is here
But the nut is gone.
Claire Voyance
She should have seen it coming.
Herman Harband
My wife Eleanor Arthur of Queens, N.Y.
Lived like a princess for 20 years traveling the
World with the best of everything.
When I went blind, she tried to poison me, took
All my money, all my medication, and left me alone
In the dark. Alone and sick, it’s a miracle I escaped.
I won’t see her in heaven because she’s surely going to hell.
Kay’s Fudge (no last name)
2 sq. chocolate, 2 TBS. butter, melt on low heat.
Stir in 1 cup milk and bring to a boil.
Add 3 cups sugar, 1 TBS. vanilla, and pinch of salt.
Cook to soft ball stage. Pour on marble slab. Cool & beat* & eat.
*(I don’t make fudge so I don’t know what it means to beat on a marble slab before eating.)
Henry W. Neu, Jr.
The black sheep of the family.
But I’ve had fun on this earth.
What would you like for your epitaph to say? Mine may say, “In my defense, I was left unsupervised.”
Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: columnist Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Ga.)
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen and The Newnan
Times-Herald
Television: Atlanta and Company Guest Panelist
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: voice for OB, the Storytelling Dog
Magazine: OB featured as a contestant for Atlanta Magazine's Pet Fest's Top Dog
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Can be found on Amazon.com
May 8, 2021
Let Them Eat Cake!
From The Fayette News
James R. Fitzgerald, acting unit chief in the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit-1, had been with the agency for almost twenty years when one of his biggest cases came to an end all because of semantics. All the cunning in the world for entrapment came down to the way a killer formed his words in his writing.
Know who I am talking about? Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber.
Fitzgerald recalled how a transposition of verbs in Kaczynski’s manifesto led to a closer identification in April 1996. He used the phrase “You can’t eat your cake and have it, too,” instead of the usual phrase, “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.” Fitzgerald, like most people, thought he had made a mistake. But examinations of other letters by Kaczynski contained a similar feature, which, Mr. Fitzgerald said, “is actually a traditionally middle English way of using the term. He technically had it right and the rest of us had it wrong. It was one of the big clues that allowed us to make the rest of the comparison and submit a report to the judge who signed off on a search warrant.”
I mean, think about it. The phrase should be the way the Unabomber wrote it. It just doesn’t make sense the other way around. Why, of course, one can have their cake and eat it. Isn’t that how it’s done? (Unless someone is stopping you, of course.) But one can’t eat their cake and still make it available. See?
What other phrases are we saying incorrectly? Here are some of the most commonly misused phrases that might have slipped under your radar.
Let’s begin with the #1 most irritating one in my mind.
I Could Care Less. I wish I could say that I couldn’t care less when you say this phrase, but golly! Saying it this way drives me crazy. If you could care less, then you could care less.
Hunger pains. That growling is your stomach telling you that it’s bored, not hungry and it is pronounced hunger pangs.
Escape goat. You’ve got to be kidding Only use this when your goat has escaped your yard. All other times it refers to someone who’s being blamed for another’s wrongdoings and is called a scapegoat. Remember, it’s not the mistake you make that’s important. It’s how you shift the blame.
Ex-patriot. Tina Turner temporarily used to be one when she first moved to Switzerland to save money on her taxes. Now she is an expatriate because she has been there for decades and no longer has any ties to the U.S.
Pass Mustard. Need some for your burger or hot dog? I relish the idea to clear this up for you. If something passes muster, it means that something is satisfactory.
Biting my time. What are you biting to pass the time? Your nails? You should be biding your time by doing something more constructive, maybe. Remember it this way: What was the current President of the United States doing before his inauguration? He was BIDEN his time.
Piece of Mind. I have a friend who deals with his peace of mind this way. “One day I was born. Then everything bothered me. And that brings us up to date.” He’s at peace with this explanation about how he handles life.
First-Come, First-Serve. The last thing you’d ever want to hear is “first-come, first-serve.” Trust me. Written this way implies that the first person who arrives at a restaurant or party is also the one who has to serve all the other guests. To avoid this, say “first-come, first-served.”
Make Due. The only person who can make due is the person who has given an assignment or deadline for a project. The rest of the time is making do. I am making do with this: “All due respect” is a wonderful expression because it doesn’t actually specify how much respect is actually due. Could be none.
Be sure and practice this week with the correct phrases.
Until next time…Lee
James R. Fitzgerald, acting unit chief in the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit-1, had been with the agency for almost twenty years when one of his biggest cases came to an end all because of semantics. All the cunning in the world for entrapment came down to the way a killer formed his words in his writing.
Know who I am talking about? Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber.
Fitzgerald recalled how a transposition of verbs in Kaczynski’s manifesto led to a closer identification in April 1996. He used the phrase “You can’t eat your cake and have it, too,” instead of the usual phrase, “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.” Fitzgerald, like most people, thought he had made a mistake. But examinations of other letters by Kaczynski contained a similar feature, which, Mr. Fitzgerald said, “is actually a traditionally middle English way of using the term. He technically had it right and the rest of us had it wrong. It was one of the big clues that allowed us to make the rest of the comparison and submit a report to the judge who signed off on a search warrant.”
I mean, think about it. The phrase should be the way the Unabomber wrote it. It just doesn’t make sense the other way around. Why, of course, one can have their cake and eat it. Isn’t that how it’s done? (Unless someone is stopping you, of course.) But one can’t eat their cake and still make it available. See?
What other phrases are we saying incorrectly? Here are some of the most commonly misused phrases that might have slipped under your radar.
Let’s begin with the #1 most irritating one in my mind.
I Could Care Less. I wish I could say that I couldn’t care less when you say this phrase, but golly! Saying it this way drives me crazy. If you could care less, then you could care less.
Hunger pains. That growling is your stomach telling you that it’s bored, not hungry and it is pronounced hunger pangs.
Escape goat. You’ve got to be kidding Only use this when your goat has escaped your yard. All other times it refers to someone who’s being blamed for another’s wrongdoings and is called a scapegoat. Remember, it’s not the mistake you make that’s important. It’s how you shift the blame.
Ex-patriot. Tina Turner temporarily used to be one when she first moved to Switzerland to save money on her taxes. Now she is an expatriate because she has been there for decades and no longer has any ties to the U.S.
Pass Mustard. Need some for your burger or hot dog? I relish the idea to clear this up for you. If something passes muster, it means that something is satisfactory.
Biting my time. What are you biting to pass the time? Your nails? You should be biding your time by doing something more constructive, maybe. Remember it this way: What was the current President of the United States doing before his inauguration? He was BIDEN his time.
Piece of Mind. I have a friend who deals with his peace of mind this way. “One day I was born. Then everything bothered me. And that brings us up to date.” He’s at peace with this explanation about how he handles life.
First-Come, First-Serve. The last thing you’d ever want to hear is “first-come, first-serve.” Trust me. Written this way implies that the first person who arrives at a restaurant or party is also the one who has to serve all the other guests. To avoid this, say “first-come, first-served.”
Make Due. The only person who can make due is the person who has given an assignment or deadline for a project. The rest of the time is making do. I am making do with this: “All due respect” is a wonderful expression because it doesn’t actually specify how much respect is actually due. Could be none.
Be sure and practice this week with the correct phrases.
Until next time…Lee
March 6, 2021
Traditionally Speaking
Fayette News
I subscribe to Southern Living Magazine and am a member of their board, THE FRONT PORCH. I have purchased this magazine my entire adult life. I never knew my mother not to have a subscription, either. I mostly duplicated mama’s shopping habits, too, except to purchase Hellman’s mayonnaise whereas she bought Kraft. Oh, and she washed her clothes in Tide but I use Arm and Hammer.
But I am getting off topic.
I do not think I was chosen because of my faithfulness to Southern Living but maybe it didn’t hurt as they periodically ask my opinion about: proposed topics, advertising, and my advice on which direction the magazine should take for the future. I do not get free copies of the magazine for this service. I am just a representative from a certain age group, I guess. (They do reward their board members for answering their survey questions with $25 or $100 quarterly drawings.) They haven’t picked my name although I have been on the board about five years.
This article appeared on-line and certainly brought back memories: “Southern Traditions We Want to Bring Back – And You Will Too!” There were twenty-three traditions. Let’s see if we have continued any of these customs.
1. Saying Please and Thank You. This may not be just Southern speak but television anchor and a former Georgia Junior Miss from Dalton, Deborah Norville, wrote a book entitled, Thank You Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You. Please investigate and thank you for your time if you do.
2. Saying Sir or M’am. This is definitely a Southern expression. My younger son, age twenty-seven, habitually does this. But some may take offense because they might connect it with being old. They shouldn’t worry. Old is always fifteen years from now.
3. Proper Table Manners. I sent both my boys to Cotillion classes so that they didn’t think they were the only ones having to practice table etiquette at home. They still remember the phone goes left of the entrée fork.
4. Cursive Writing. Oops. Second son’s is such hen scratch. Does this mean that his destiny is to become a doctor?
5. Hand Written Thank You Notes. My boys have their own monogrammed note cards. I even considered what my children’s name would be by how the initials looked in a monogram.
6. Recipe Cards. I lovingly have kept my mother’s original recipe box with her handwritten recipes. Her chicken recipes are even better than the New York Times Bestseller, Fifty Shades of Chicken by FL Fowler, a parody which claims “Fifty chicken recipes, each more seductive than the last, in a book that makes every dinner a turn-on.”
7. Sunday Suppers. My family is a small one but those with a large family, do you sometimes think, “Are these people really my relatives?”
8. Holding the Door Open for Others. I’ve done this and said either “Thank you” to other females or “What a gentleman” for the males who do this kindness for me. But sometimes today you can’t tell the difference. Guess I’ll just have to say “thank you” to all. See #1.
9. Welcoming New Neighbors. Did you know that Amazon sells a Bathroom Guest Book? Under this title it says, “Please sign in while sitting down.” It’s only $12.80 with FREE one-day shipping and FREE returns. You save $5.18. Thought you would want to know. Wouldn’t think this would make a neighborly good first impression gift, though.
10. A Good Handshake. In 2020, 2021 – what is a handshake?
11. Phone Calls. What are those? Think they mean text messages?
12. Punctuality. For dinner parties stick with “Five minutes early is on-time. On-time is late. Being late is unacceptable.” I am bad about punctuality for cocktail parties, though, because I know what it feels like to have guests come too early. There are always hiccups before guests arrive. I will hide behind the old adage. “Better to arrive late than ugly.”
Next time, I’ll add the last behaviors that Southern Living thinks we should never forget.
I subscribe to Southern Living Magazine and am a member of their board, THE FRONT PORCH. I have purchased this magazine my entire adult life. I never knew my mother not to have a subscription, either. I mostly duplicated mama’s shopping habits, too, except to purchase Hellman’s mayonnaise whereas she bought Kraft. Oh, and she washed her clothes in Tide but I use Arm and Hammer.
But I am getting off topic.
I do not think I was chosen because of my faithfulness to Southern Living but maybe it didn’t hurt as they periodically ask my opinion about: proposed topics, advertising, and my advice on which direction the magazine should take for the future. I do not get free copies of the magazine for this service. I am just a representative from a certain age group, I guess. (They do reward their board members for answering their survey questions with $25 or $100 quarterly drawings.) They haven’t picked my name although I have been on the board about five years.
This article appeared on-line and certainly brought back memories: “Southern Traditions We Want to Bring Back – And You Will Too!” There were twenty-three traditions. Let’s see if we have continued any of these customs.
1. Saying Please and Thank You. This may not be just Southern speak but television anchor and a former Georgia Junior Miss from Dalton, Deborah Norville, wrote a book entitled, Thank You Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You. Please investigate and thank you for your time if you do.
2. Saying Sir or M’am. This is definitely a Southern expression. My younger son, age twenty-seven, habitually does this. But some may take offense because they might connect it with being old. They shouldn’t worry. Old is always fifteen years from now.
3. Proper Table Manners. I sent both my boys to Cotillion classes so that they didn’t think they were the only ones having to practice table etiquette at home. They still remember the phone goes left of the entrée fork.
4. Cursive Writing. Oops. Second son’s is such hen scratch. Does this mean that his destiny is to become a doctor?
5. Hand Written Thank You Notes. My boys have their own monogrammed note cards. I even considered what my children’s name would be by how the initials looked in a monogram.
6. Recipe Cards. I lovingly have kept my mother’s original recipe box with her handwritten recipes. Her chicken recipes are even better than the New York Times Bestseller, Fifty Shades of Chicken by FL Fowler, a parody which claims “Fifty chicken recipes, each more seductive than the last, in a book that makes every dinner a turn-on.”
7. Sunday Suppers. My family is a small one but those with a large family, do you sometimes think, “Are these people really my relatives?”
8. Holding the Door Open for Others. I’ve done this and said either “Thank you” to other females or “What a gentleman” for the males who do this kindness for me. But sometimes today you can’t tell the difference. Guess I’ll just have to say “thank you” to all. See #1.
9. Welcoming New Neighbors. Did you know that Amazon sells a Bathroom Guest Book? Under this title it says, “Please sign in while sitting down.” It’s only $12.80 with FREE one-day shipping and FREE returns. You save $5.18. Thought you would want to know. Wouldn’t think this would make a neighborly good first impression gift, though.
10. A Good Handshake. In 2020, 2021 – what is a handshake?
11. Phone Calls. What are those? Think they mean text messages?
12. Punctuality. For dinner parties stick with “Five minutes early is on-time. On-time is late. Being late is unacceptable.” I am bad about punctuality for cocktail parties, though, because I know what it feels like to have guests come too early. There are always hiccups before guests arrive. I will hide behind the old adage. “Better to arrive late than ugly.”
Next time, I’ll add the last behaviors that Southern Living thinks we should never forget.
