Lee St. John's Blog, page 2

I Am Here If You Need Me, Hallmark

I was browsing through my Spectrum guide for a good movie to watch recently. When I came across a movie on the Hallmark Channel, I was taken aback. The title was The Nine Kittens at Christmas. Why didn't I think of a title like that? It seemed just as absurd as the ones I made up for my book, STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. I didn't choose to watch that movie because I felt it would be as asinine as the titles and the plots I concocted.



Bear with me.



Glue Stick's Last Christmas - a town comes together over hot chocolate at a Christmas tree farm to save Glue Stick from the glue factory. (Spoiler - they do.)



No Hope for Christmas - while practicing for their upcoming Christmas concert, their soloist, Hope, goes missing. (Spoiler -She is found.) Concert takes place. Hot chocolate is served to celebrate.



A Snow Cone Christmas - A father son duo are having trouble staying financially afloat with their snow cone business (they have been selling them in their town during the Christmas holidays in northern Michigan). Townsfolk rally with hot chocolate (this time laced with bourbon) and treats to discuss how to help. I mean, really? A snow cone business in the winter - IN A NORTHERN STATE? (Spoiler - They survive. Oh, and -double spoiler - there is a dog that saves the day, of course.)



Now, do my titles and parodies of possible Hallmark movies sound so insane when you read The Nine Kittens at Christmas?



Call me, Hallmark. I can help you in your future line-up of silly stories. I'll bring the hot chocolate.


Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition Judge
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
Georgia Writers Museum
Finally Home – Bienvenue Press Anthology
Heartstrings from Heaven Anthology
Goodreads author

CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
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Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and the Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Georgia)
Television: Guest panelist for Atlanta and Company
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR0a...
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: Fairytale Storyteller
Storyteller for Newnan Book Company
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Judge
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Featured in National, Regional, and local publications
Can be found on Amazon.com

Do Not Try This At Home

One night in my 20s, I was enjoying my time in a refined (ha!) establishment that served liquid refreshments in long-neck amber bottles for a good price. As I started to partake of what was in my bottle and as it almost reached my lips, a dude walked up behind me, bumped into my elbow holding my drink, pushed my arm up toward my lips faster than I expected, and with that movement, the long-neck bottle hit my front right tooth and made a chip.


I looked down at the beverage on my shirt and skirt and then ran my tongue along the bottom of that front right tooth and felt a concave shape in my normally straight-edged tooth. Oh! What happened? What did it look like? How big was it? I had to get home!


When I arrived home and looked in my bathroom mirror, I saw the problem. I was in trouble. There was a half moon space at the bottom edge of my tooth. Not terribly big, but noticeable.


I decided to take matters in my own hands.
I pulled out my angel nail file and started filing down that tooth. I was already anesthetized, so I wasn't worried about pain (yet) but soon realized I better stop. I did enough filing to whittle away the cranny and make it look straight again, even if my right tooth was/is a little shorter than my left.


YOU can hardly tell, but I know.


Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition Judge
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
Georgia Writers Museum
Finally Home – Bienvenue Press Anthology
Heartstrings from Heaven Anthology
Goodreads author

CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and the Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Georgia)
Television: Guest panelist for Atlanta and Company
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR0a...
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: Fairytale Storyteller
Storyteller for Newnan Book Company
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Judge
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Featured in National, Regional, and local publications
Can be found on Amazon.com

French by Any Other Name?

One summer, I was the front receptionist for the Omni International Catering Department. One day, I received a phone call from an outside line. I answered, "Hello? Omni International Catering."


A female voice said, "Hello. I was wondering what entree choices are being served in the main restaurant tonight?"


What? She wanted me to read the entire menu? Like I had time for that? I've got to type up this letter for the catering department...I didn't work for the restaurant.


"Um, hold on a minute, please. I'll have to get a menu." I searched for one.


I had a deadline for typing my memo but eager to please. I was in a real hurry as I was reading off the entrees. The main dining restaurant specialized in French cuisine. I took French in high school and college and felt I was pretty good at articulating the accent, but I was in a hurry to finish my work.


I started with the hors d'ouerves and moved on to the soups and salads. Before I hit the desserts, I read the items under entrees. Reading fast and still using my best French accent, I came to one entree that read "Trout Meuniere." Unfortunately, I had premature articulation and said, "Trout Manure."


There was silence on the receiving end. Then we both started howling and she said, "You have made my day!"

Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition Judge
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
Georgia Writers Museum
Finally Home – Bienvenue Press Anthology
Heartstrings from Heaven Anthology
Goodreads author

CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and the Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Georgia)
Television: Guest panelist for Atlanta and Company
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR0a...
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: Fairytale Storyteller
Storyteller for Newnan Book Company
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Judge
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Featured in National, Regional, and local publications
Can be found on Amazon.com

Barbie Got Married

Barbie, Barbie, Barbie. Everyone is so into Barbie with her movie out in theaters. I had several in the 1960s…one of every hair color. Not only did I have Barbie, but I had Ken (a blonde AND brunette version), and her cousin, Skipper.

I had the Barbie casual dresses, the Barbie formal dresses, the Barbie shoes, the Barbie hats, the Barbie slacks, the Barbie swimsuits, the Barbie CAR, the Barbie board game (I was the unusual one liking Poindexter, too), and the Barbie HOUSE! I was a Barbie groupie! No knock-offs. No hand made designer clothes. All original Barbie (made by Mattel) paraphernalia.

This only child had a lot to work with to keep her busy and out of mischief.

I loved playing Barbie so much that I wanted her to marry Ken with a real wedding. So, naturally, I had the Barbie WEDDING dress. They called it “Wedding Day Barbie” and it came out in 1961 when I was eight years old. It was a silk-like full white dress with a large poof skirt. She had a flower designed taffeta overlay over the skirt and on her long sleeves. Barbie wore a pearl hallo-like veil made of taffeta looming large behind her hair, which did not cover her face, and she wore a pearl necklace, pearl stud earrings, white shoes, and carried a pink bouquet.

For her wedding, I invited all my friends who played with their Barbie and Ken dolls. My almost-big-sister, Jane Still #janeramsey, came as many of my neighborhood girlfriends. One friend’s mother made the Barbie and Ken wedding cake – a three tier white cake with pink icing. She also made a larger one for all the living and breathing guests.

Skipper was the Maid of Honor but I can’t remember what she wore. The groom, blonde Ken, looked dapper in his white-coat tuxedo. His best man, a brunette Ken, did too, looking like MAD MEN’s Don Draper or Rock Hudson.

The wedding guests looked beautiful, too, in their chosen cocktail dresses. Besides facially looking alike, I don’t think one of them wore the same dress. All the male guests wore tuxes.
At the reception, the bride and groom cut the little cake and drank pink punch while the large wedding cake was served to their owners. I took pictures with my 960 Kodak Brownie Cresta 3 Camera which used 120 film and produced 6 X 6 images. Barbie and Ken left in her pink convertible. I developed the pictures and made Barbie and Ken (don’t know their married last name – Mattel?) a wedding album.

When they returned after the honeymoon (they did not tell where they went but I suspect my closet), they lived in Barbie’s pink cardboard-papered house and still drove her convertible all over my living room rug.

Poor Ken being seen in that pink car.

P.S. Are they still married?

Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition Judge
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
Georgia Writers Museum
Finally Home – Bienvenue Press Anthology
Heartstrings from Heaven Anthology
Goodreads author

CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and the Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Georgia)
Television: Guest panelist for Atlanta and Company
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR0a...
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: Fairytale Storyteller
Storyteller for Newnan Book Company
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Judge
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Featured in National, Regional, and local publications
Can be found on Amazon.com

To The One I Love - 1944

Thank you to all U.S. military personnel who died in service. We remember you today.
Here is a SHORT story about a portion of my father's time in the Navy during WWII.

To The One I Love
1944

Mother once told me about her being worried for my daddy while he was on a destroyer outside the coast of Italy during World War II.


“I worried sick about him while he was gone on his Navy missions,” she said. “We exchanged letters as much as possible, however, because it was such a tempestuous time, your father couldn’t relay information about his naval activities or his locations. I was scared for him. The war office would make sure the letters sent from the young men to their loved ones at home did not carry any information in them so that they could not be used against us in the war should they be intercepted. There was a saying at that time, ‘Lose lips sink ships’ and we believed it.”


She continued, “One time, I received a letter from your father that began, ‘Dear Darling’ but the entire middle part of the letter was totally cut out. Then it was signed, ‘Love, Your Husband’ at the bottom of the stationary. I thought, ‘What did he say? Did he write secrets that should not have been revealed? Will he get into trouble?’”


My eyes widened. What did daddy share that he wasn’t allowed to?


“Of course, I wrote back to my Dear Darling but stayed nervous the entire time, weeks on end, until I heard from him again. In his defense, he let it be known that the previous cut-out letter happened because he didn’t have time to write a letter that he owed me, so he cut out the middle because he just wanted to let me know he was alive.”


Yes, my daddy was a prankster, too. Can you inherit that?


P.S. On a serious note, Daddy’s ship was hit by a torpedo and sunk. I don’t remember if he said there were any casualties.


Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
Georgia Writers Museum
Finally Home – Bienvenue Press Anthology
Heartstrings from Heaven Anthology
Goodreads author

CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and the Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Georgia)
Television: Guest panelist for Atlanta and Company
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR0a...
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: Fairytale Storyteller
Storyteller for Newnan Book Company
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Judge
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Featured in National, Regional, and local publications
Can be found on Amazon.com

Caesar - One High School Student's Timed Essay

Remember those annoying TIMED ESSAYS? Last week was the IDES of MARCH. See if you remember what happened to Caesar.

Julius Caesar Timed Essay

Prompt: This timed test will have you identifying the themes, ambition, and conflict, found in Shakespeare’s play, Julius Caesar. Give examples in dialogue and action of these characteristics found in all three men: Caesar, Brutus, and Cassius. You have seventy minutes.

Hey, Jealousy!
by
Anne Teak

A few of Caesar’s friends start to find him annoying, but really it boils down to being jealous of him. The play, Julius Caesar by Edward Shakespeare, takes place a very long time ago in Rome, Italy, where you see all those partially crushed columns, sculptures with their heads, arms, or hands broken off, and stadiums that are crumbling more each day like in those gladiator movies where the young men wear a loincloth to cover their private parts, but show their muscular, no-haired (thank goodness, because hairy chests are gross!) bare chests, and six-pack abs, yet the older men wear robes that they call togas which I first learned about in the movie Animal House during their toga party scene. Both young and old alike wear sandals with straps going up their legs that help to hold the sandal in place because they really didn’t measure your foot back then and just sold or made you sandals that were close in size for you to wear. That’s why there was a need for leather straps to hold the open toe sandal in place on your foot so it wouldn’t come loose and cause you stub your toe, because that would really hurt.

But Caesar is going to get hurt anyway.

He didn’t get hurt during the war. He came home unharmed from that. It’s when he returns home a hero that his friends turned on him. But he was also so full of himself about his triumphs at war that he did not heed the warning signs. Well, there were really no visual signs. He should have paid attention to a stranger in Rome who told him to “Beware the Ides of March.” The Ides of March is March 15th. Ides means a day falling roughly in the middle of each month. Sometimes the middle of a month might be the thirteenth, so it is not always on the fifteenth of every month like in March.

I always associated that date bringing bad luck, and then one turns right around and on March 17th it’s a good luck day because of it being St. Patrick’s Day, which is a happy time with happy leprechauns dancing in the streets at a St. Patrick’s Day Parade like in Dublin, Georgia or Savannah. Everyone is wearing Kelly green – and not the green of envy, either – and most people at the parades are happy because they are smashed from green beer and wearing strings of beads and sparkly top hats and carrying four-leaf clovers for good luck, so maybe that is the reason there is even a St. Patrick’s Day at all: something to finally have people feel good about something around that time of month especially after the downer of Caesar being stabbed by his own friends.

Our teacher told us we have twenty minutes left.

I really know St. Patrick’s Day is about the saint, Patrick, who ministered Christianity in Ireland during the fifth century, but why did they choose March 17th?

Caesar was caught up in his own hype and his friends, Cassius and Brutus become concerned and jealous. Really, it was Cassius more than Brutus. But Brutus hangs around to see how the revenge they plan will play out. Caesar is so full of himself, he doesn’t even listen to his wife, Calpurnia, when she tells him about a dream, well I’d say nightmare, she had about his being murdered in town and begs him not to go. So, arrogant Caesar has had two warnings about the Ides of March, but he goes anyway and is a dead man walking.

Ambition and conflict blind all three men, so…

Teacher says ten minutes left…

I have to hurry and tell the best parts where Brutus ends up stabbing Caesar as the last of all the conspirators and it becomes the final blow that kills him but before he dies, Caesar says, “Et tu, Brute” which is Latin. They all spoke Latin back then. And I don’t see how that is even a language given it doesn’t even have all the letters of our alphabet in their Greek Alphabet. Our alphabet has twenty-six letters and Greek/Latin has Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon, Zeta, Eta, Theta, Iota, Kappa, Lambda, Mu, Nu, Xi, Omicron, Pi, Rho, Sigma, Tau, Upsilon, Phi, Chi, Psi, Omega. Which is only twenty-four letters. I know this because my older sister just pledged Tri-Delt at the University of Georgia. She taught me all the Greek letters and the song that goes with it.

And then there’s the quote, “Great Caesar’s Ghost!”, which…

TIME!

https://youtu.be/RmXRQ3vfzcA

If Men Wrote Candy Hearts - a Valentine repeat request

Necco’s candy hearts will not be sold in 2019 but according to Fortune Magazine, the company that took over the rights confirmed they’d return in 2020. Maybe they are looking for a few good men to expand the conversation starters. For instance:

You’ll Do.
You Can Die 1st
Adore Me
Rub My Swollen Feet
Let’s Talk Never
Football Is On.
Wink, Wink
Lover Boy
U Sound Like UR Mother
XPLTIV DLETED
Or maybe they are searching for some creative women to answer back. Women always have a comeback, you know.

Too Hot (Crank The A.C.)
R Those Your Toenails?
Not Tonight
R U Listening?
Pick Up UR Socks
U Snore
Oh, And Another Thing
Girl Power
BFF
You’ve Got The 2AM Feeding
Am I right?

My hubby and I are opposites. And you know what they say: opposites attract. I married him because he knows math. He’s an accountant. I only went as high as Algebra. I never took Trig. I don’t think I even took a math course in college. And I needed someone to balance my checkbook for me.

For our first Valentine’s Day, the divide was tremendous. Usually a new bride likes girlie objects of devotion – perfume, flowers, candy, showers of affection, etc. An accountant isn’t accustomed to thinking like that. “Let’s be practical,” he’d say. He also uses words like “disposable income”, “expenses” (whether it’s fixed, variable, accrued, or operation), “net income”, “spreadsheet”, “return on investment”, “1031 Tax Free Exchange”, and such in every day jargon. And I do mean every day.



But after almost forty years of marriage, the accountant has softened and I have become another person. Hubby tends to let go of his money a little easier. I tend to shop more for bargains and deals – or I might even DIY…on the cheap. We have crossed over the divide…in some ways.



Cut flowers for Valentine? Nah. I’ll take a living plant to place in my yard or house to enjoy over and over. Chocolates ? Nope. Just learned I am diabetic. Beautiful jewelry? I’d rather have my windows washed and let them sparkle. I have become the practical one when receiving presents.



If you are married to an accountant you know what I am talking about:

They might not be romantic gifts like candle-lit dinners, but you can expect gifts that should yield income.
You don’t have to worry about the budgets, income, and expenses of your family. They will take care of it.
They are pretty good at forecasting.
They know the importance of money and won’t overspend and prevent you from wasting it.
You will be lucky if your spouse let’s you use a credit card. I have one but we pay it off every month. Not going to give away hard-earned money in “interest”.
They like the term “cash inflows” or any kind of income generating term and they love to invest.
Accountants know how compound interest works and have invested at a very early age.
You don’t have to hire a person to do your taxes.
They are ethical and abide standards throughout their career. They don’t break rules in real life, too.
They are trustworthy. Without any fear you can tell your secrets.


So, this is my love note to you, Hubby. Although I sometimes am really cranky about how tight you are with money, thank you for having taken care of me and our family the way you do.



And I’ll just take some of those candy hearts this year. Oh, they don’t make them any longer? Brach’s continues to sell THE. EXACT. SAME. THING.



xoxoxo

#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
Georgia Writers Museum
Finally Home – Bienvenue Press Anthology
Heartstrings from Heaven Anthology
Goodreads author

CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and the Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Georgia)
Television: Guest panelist for Atlanta and Company
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR0a...
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: voice for OB, the Storytelling Dog
Storyteller for Newnan Book Company
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Judge
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Featured in National, Regional, and local publications
Can be found on Amazon.com

Sentimental Journey

As one who likes to entertain in a humorous way, let me take a sentimental moment to write about a Christmas memory. You may find your thoughts reverting back to the late 1950s yourself. This is about a mother-daughter excursion to Rich’s Department Store in Atlanta. It was a day of many thrills: eating breakfast with Santa, having pictures taken with St. Nick, flying high in the Pink Pig monorail, independently shopping in Santa’s Secret Shop, and being mesmerized by the lighting of The Great Tree.

Founded in 1867, Rich’s came to symbolize Atlanta’s retail shopping experience during the twentieth century and was inextricably linked with our capitol’s history. By the 1950s, Rich’s Magnolia Tea Room Restaurant was known for its fashion shows and light luncheon fare, including their delicious chicken salad, cheese straws, and fabulous coconut cake. Our Breakfast with Santa was also held here and children squealed with delight as Santa meandered around and spoke to each of us while we enjoyed our Rice Krispies mixed with vanilla ice cream.

And I didn’t spill a drop on my green velvet dress. With ruffled ankle socks and black patent leather shoes, I carried a white faux fur muff with matching hat for my picture after breakfast with St. Nick. Although lines were long, I was never frightened because he looked just like the picturesque Coca-Cola Santa. Photographs were taken while children sat on his knee and whispered their secret Christmas desires. Santa’s helpers gave green Christmas tree-shaped candy to partakers. The black-and-white five-by-seven photo was mailed to your home shortly after your visit.

Another thrill was riding Priscilla, The Pink Pig. In 1956, the bright pink monorail debuted with a piggy snout and curly tail. This magical journey around the toy department with all the toys, decorations, and sparkling lights was only three and a half minutes long, costing a quarter. Later moving to the rooftop, the car traveled onto the Crystal Bridge, a four-story all-glass bridge that stretched across Forsyth Street, connecting Rich’s two buildings. It then carried you around the base of the tree, giving an enormous view of all the glistening ornaments as large as basketballs and a view overlooking the city streets. I still have a white, satin sticker with Priscilla’s smiling face declaring, I Rode the Pink Pig.

I remember shopping at Santa’s Secret Shop on the fifth floor. The emporium allowed me to privately pick out inexpensive gifts for my parents because adults were not allowed in. Santa’s elves assisted me while Mother shopped elsewhere in the store. Rich’s set up accounts where parents paid for their children’s acquisitions using what was called the charge plate. All purchases were secretly wrapped.

As the day stretched into dusk, Mother and I, along with tens of thousands from all over the South, attended the lighting of The Great Tree. Generating more anticipation for the ceremony, city lights were turned off for about thirty minutes after a complete sunset. Then the freshly-cut seventy-five-foot-tall Georgia White pine came to life with its miles of sparkle and seven-foot-tall star. Standing atop the Crystal Bridge, each of the bridge’s four levels provided Christmas carols from heralding choruses. Rich’s Great Tree was featured on the cover of Time magazine on December 15, 1961.

Everything about Rich’s was ours. It was home, and not just at Christmas. It was as much a part of the Atlanta landscape as the statue of the Phoenix—purchased by Rich’s—once featured downtown and known as “Atlanta from the Ashes,” a symbol of Atlanta’s revival. This Christmas memory’s afterglow warms me since this tradition at this location no longer exists. But once there was a time that was magical and Southerners came near and far to spend a part of their holiday at “The Store of the South.”

~from Cockamamie Memoirs from a Hot Southern Mess
found on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/mryj5efe

Still Crazy After All These Years https://tinyurl.com/346ra8dh

Teacher Tattletales - https://tinyurl.com/3k6b2wm8

Heartstrings from Heaven - https://tinyurl.com/mujcbnxw

Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final
Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
Georgia Writers Museum
Finally Home – Bienvenue Press Anthology
Heartstrings from Heaven Anthology
Goodreads author

CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and the Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Georgia)
Television: Guest panelist for Atlanta and Company
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR0a...
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: voice for OB, the Storytelling Dog
Storyteller for Newnan Book Company
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Judge
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Featured in National, Regional, and local publications
Can be found on Amazon.com

You REALLY Don't Want To Know What Is On The List

I entertain many Daughters of the American Revolution chapters. So much so, that I have a few special essays in my book, TEACHER TATTLETALES and Other Southern Shenanigans, just for them. https://tinyurl.com/3k6b2wm8 The tattletales are non-fiction, but this story belongs in the shenanigans section of the book. It is an essay application for the DAR's college scholarship and grants, which is very real. This essay, however, is not...but almost! Read at your own risk.

Dear Daughters of the American Revolution Scholarship/Grant Committee,

Thank you so much for sponsoring scholarships or grants for high school students. My great aunt, that is my step-mama's aunt who is a DAR member, encouraged me to inform you of my hopes and dreams after high school.

Because of my unique skills as a hair boiler down at the town plant, I thought maybe you might be looking for someone needing a scholarship other than your typical doctor, lawyer, or teacher wannabes. Being a hair boiler pays really good money, I am told. More than teachers, I hear.

What is a hair boiler you ask? It is someone who boils animal hair until it curls and then is used in a variety of products, which I signed a contract saying I could not talk about in detail. Besides, you wouldn't want to know. Promise. I will say you'd be grossed out if you knew all the animal hair that was boiled and used in your home.

The pay that I mentioned is fantastic. I know managers down at the plant making $150,000. I just need to have a college education to become a manager someday. I am hoping you can help me achieve my dream.

Please consider me as you now see how different, yet necessary, this job is. We need hair boilers in this world.

Thank you,
Baxter Nature

Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
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What Were You Expecting?

What Were You Expecting?
For The Fayette News

Dear Teachers,

Welcome back to school. Some of you are teaching for the first time. It’s overwhelming to be a new teacher and being held responsible. There is soooooo much you have to be accountable for these days. What’s the saying? “Being a teacher is like having 1,234 tabs open on your computer.” Ain’t it the truth? You are all things to everybody.

I remember I was anxious those first few days of the new school year. I adorned my room with all kinds of posters pertaining to the authors that I was about to teach. There were grammar rules on signs on the walls as reminders, too. It LOOKED like I knew what I was doing my first year teaching high school English. Well, I really did know my curriculum, but the students knew I was raw. This was 1979 and they planned an attack on their unfamiliar teacher who was only about 6 years older than they were. Let’s call it THE INCIDENT.

I had been teaching a little over a month and all seemed fine. The students and I got along well. They were well behaved. I was happy. But, the day before THE INCIDENT, I left school without deleting my notes from the chalk board. I wrote a lot of information from my lesson but had to leave fast to catch my carpool ride home with another single female teacher. In 1979 our rooms consisted of a grey or green slate board, with white chalk, and dusty grey chalk erasers made of felt. Today there are dry erase boards, with dry erase markers (in wonderful colors, too), and dry erasers. No chalk dust anywhere.

Since I left in a hurry the day before, I arrived in homeroom to find my notes still visible. And since I was presenting new information to the students for first period the board had to be erased, so as I wiped the eraser across the board, there was a WHISH! A streak of fire lit up in front of my face. It was just as quick and bright as lightening! These absolutely clever, funny, creative, but would-they-get-in-big-trouble-10th-grade-pupils pulled this prank by placing long matches in the creases of the eraser. When I brushed it across the board, the slate and matches connected and it lit up for a few seconds like sparklers in front of my face.

Then there was silence.

I turned around. Eyeball to eyeball I looked at every student who was in my homeroom that morning. Some were sitting in their desks. Others were standing up watching and waiting for my reaction. I was in disbelief. They were quietly anticipating some kind of penalty to be handed out at any moment. And after this pause and with them looking like deer in headlights, I said, “That was great!”

That was NOT the response they were expecting from me. And I didn’t send one student to be reprimanded.

Sincerely,

Lee (We All Got Away With It in 1979) St. John

Cockamamie Memoirs - https://tinyurl.com/mryj5efe

Still Crazy After All These Years https://tinyurl.com/346ra8dh

Teacher Tattletales - https://tinyurl.com/3k6b2wm8

Lee St. John
#1 Amazon Best Selling Author
Georgia Author of the Year - Essays - Final
Four
Erma Bombeck Humor Writer
Chicken Soup for the Soul Writer
Finally Home – Bienvenue Press Anthology

CONNECT WITH ME!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leestjohnauthor
Instagram: https://instagram.com/leestjohnauthor/
Website and Blog: http://www.leestjohnauthor.com/
Twitter: @LeeStJohnauthor
Newspaper: former columnist for The Rockdale Citizen, The Newnan
Times-Herald, and the Fayette-News (Fayetteville, Georgia)
Television: Guest panelist for Atlanta and Company
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR0a...
Pinterest: LeeStJohnAuthor
Pinterest: voice for OB the talking dog. Over 205K views
Peachtree City Library: voice for OB, the Storytelling Dog
Storyteller for Newnan Book Company
Guest Speaker: popular Southern humorist of observational humor
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Judge
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
Georgia Writers Association
Humorous Writers of America
Panel Member of Southern Living Magazine's THE FRONT PORCH
Featured in National, Regional, and local publications
Can be found on Amazon.com