David Vienna's Blog, page 159
January 10, 2017
Is it still okay to call almond milk, "milk?" Follow up question - what if almonds had udders?
It’s almond juice, really. But it looks like milk…
This is a tough one…
To make it, you soak ‘em, mash ‘em, then stain out the fluid…
Maybe we should call it almond blood.
And if almonds had udders you could then have almond steaks, almond burgers, almond tartare. Mad Almond Disease would be a looming threat. It would be a disaster.
January 9, 2017
Fill My Ask Hole
Have any burning questions? Or burning… statements?
Send ‘em my way. I’ll post answers tomorrow and treat each submission with the same care and thoughtfulness I always offer, which is not much really.
Wyatt The Crime-Stopper & Boone The Smartass
We were at the store the other day, just me and the boys, to get a new toilet brush. While we were at the self checkout area, Wyatt was playing around one of the candy displays and said, “There’s a purse back there.”
I said, “No there isn’t,” because… I don’t know why. I just didn’t believe him.
He reached behind the display and pulled out a purse. It still had the paper stuffing inside, but all the tags were removed.
I’ve worked enough retail jobs in my life to know the purse was probably stashed there by a shoplifter who either ditched it and/or planned to come back later and get it. We handed it to a staffer and told him where we found it.
As we walked to the car, I told Wyatt, “Buddy, you probably just thwarted a shoplifter.”
“What?” he asked.
“I’m pretty sure someone was going to come back and try to steal that purse,” I said. “You just stopped a crime.”
His eyes went wide. “I stopped a crime?” His lifelong dream of being a hero—whether Batman or a cop or a spy—had suddenly come true. “I stopped a crime! I STOPPED A CRIME!”
Right then, Boone smacked Wyatt on the ass with our newly purchased toilet brush and said, “You didn’t stop that crime.”
January 8, 2017
“That’s a Misfits sticker, right? Can I get it for...
“That’s a Misfits sticker, right? Can I get it for my guitar?”
January 7, 2017
It was just one chord repeated and a pretty simple beat, but I...
It was just one chord repeated and a pretty simple beat, but I believe this counts as their first band practice.
January 4, 2017
Since I’m doing more and more non-parenting writing, I decided to create an official FB author page...
Since I’m doing more and more non-parenting writing, I decided to create an official FB author page as a kind of catch-all for everything. So if you’re inclined, feel free to pop by and check it out.
Or don’t. I’m not your mother.
Etch-a-Sketch at the local diner… Hey, at least...
Etch-a-Sketch at the local diner… Hey, at least it’s not their Nintendo 3DS things.
January 1, 2017
You can stay quiet about what we’re going to face in 2017 or you can rise up and face the challenge. And here’s the thing: No one ever won by staying quiet.
It’s going to be a good year. We can do this.
