David Vienna's Blog, page 149

The lady being accosted by two loving kids in this photo is...

The lady being accosted by two loving kids in this photo is Larissa and it’s her birthday today. So, Larissa, happy birthday! And watch out for that one smiling kid. He seems dangerous.

"Who. The Fuck. Made birthday party goodie bags a mandatory thing? When I was a kid, the only gift..."

“Who. The Fuck. Made birthday party goodie bags a mandatory thing? When I was a kid, the only gift given to guests at a party was a smattering of injuries from whatever life-threatening game we played. Ever heard of lawn darts, kids? No, because people in my generation died playing lawn darts.”

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D.U.I.: A Fake Memoir of a Real Asshole
(via davidvienna)

Another quote from my novel. And this one’s actually kinda parenting-related. A twofer!

Nothing but the truth...

I’m going to bed, but if you send me a question about anything, I’ll answer tomorrow. Anon, as always, is on.

We’ve had this fire pit for three years. Tonight we used...

We’ve had this fire pit for three years. Tonight we used it for the first time.

About that Tagged 20 thing...

People don’t seem to notice I added a topic (favorite dead celebrity) because the preceding question was so stupid.

They keep calling it the 20… but it’s really 21.

"I switched to whiskey with a beer back. He switched to champagne and a couple of lines of coke,..."

“I switched to whiskey with a beer back. He switched to champagne and a couple of lines of coke, though I’m not sure why. Everyone knows the region may have great pinot noir but it has drop-dead shitty blow.”

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D.U.I.: A Fake Memoir of a Real Asshole
(via davidvienna)

Another teaser from my novel.

Regarding Beyoncé’s twins:We parents of multiples are too tired to care about her twins;We...

Regarding Beyoncé’s twins:

We parents of multiples are too tired to care about her twins;

We wish she’d stop copying us already.

5 Things

Okay, @tacosaysroar tagged me in one of those 5 Things tagging thingies. I’m supposed to list 5 things that make me happy (in a sec), tag the person who sent this (check), and put this in the Ask box of the last 10 users in your Activity (nope, I’ll just tag folks - I got shit to do). And I did one of these before so forgive me if some of the answers sound familiar. Here goes…

Sleeping in on a day when there’s nothing to do. It’s better than ice cream. 
‘60s and ‘70s Exploitation films. An under appreciated genre that used French- and documentary-style film techniques to overcome low budgets and tell important raw stories of the voiceless.
Swimming. I’ll swim in pretty much any body of water—lake, river, ocean, pond, sewage run-off. My best memories from my youth in Virginia all include swimming in the James River in Richmond or the reservoir in Woodbridge.
Day drinking. No explanation necessary.
My family. Also, no explanation necessary.

Tagging the last 10 folks in my Activity (that Tumblr will let me tag): @asimpledad, @neuroticdad, @themostinterestingbeard, @imagooseberry, @mamamusement, @mommyakajenna, @babyoblog, @theramblingark, @andimthedad, @electradaddy, and though not in my Activity, @taylorswift.

"I don’t remember attempting to walk the straight line with arms outstretched, a common first stage..."

“I don’t remember attempting to walk the straight line with arms outstretched, a common first stage of field sobriety tests. However, I do remember [Officer] Timmons asking me to take a Breathalyzer test as he pulled me from the hedge I’d apparently fallen into.”

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Grant Shoemaker, the lead character and narrator in my novel-in-progress D.U.I.: A Fake Memoir of a Real Asshole
(via davidvienna)

I’m writing a novel and—because it’s not women’s lit or genre fiction—the industry feels there’s no market for it. So I’ve decided to post occasional excerpts on Facebook and my non-parenting Tumblr and see what happens. Enjoy.

Tagged 20

I was tagged by @trans-parenting. And away we go!

Rules: answer the 20 questions and tag 20 followers

Name: The Artist Formerly Known As David

Nickname: David

Zodiac sign: Cancer

Height: 5′9″


Orientation: West

Nationality + ethnicity: Oompa Loompa

Favorite fruit: Pineapple


Favorite season: Summer

Favorite book: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Favorite flower: I dunno… daisy, I guess? 

Favorite scent: Jasmine

Favorite color: Green

Favorite animal: The drummer from Dr. Teeth and the The Electric Mayhem

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: Irish coffee

Average hours of sleep: 6-ish?

Cats or dogs: Thanks to my ex-wife, who was a cat person, dogs

Number of blankets you sleep with: Hey… I remember this questionnaire now. What a boring thing to ask. Who gives a shit? I’m changing it up. REPLACEMENT TOPIC COMING UP!…

Favorite dead celebrity: Madeline Kahn

Dream trip: Someplace where a waiter will give me a cocktail served in a coconut while blue waves lap at my feet

Blog created: July 2009

Number of followers: A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells… but I did get a book deal out of this so you do the math

Tagging: @tacosaysroar, @improvisingfatherhood, @electradaddy, @salesses, @farrahbraniff, @bringingupbaby, @herblondness, @happinessiseva, @havekidslaughmore, @neuroticdad, @westernmom-easternworld-blog, @jessisanfilippo, @kidsraisingkids, @allofthegorydetails-blog, @alexieileen, @alm-wifeandmother, @craniodad, @lickystickypickyzzz, @dadarocks, and @taylorswift