David Vienna's Blog, page 146
October 14, 2017
Working on Wyatt’s Winter Soldier costume. Metal arm and...
Working on Wyatt’s Winter Soldier costume. Metal arm and commando suit, check.
October 12, 2017
PEACH APOCALYPSE UPDATE:
If anyone’s curious about what we did...
PEACH APOCALYPSE UPDATE:
If anyone’s curious about what we did with the peach apocalypse our neighbor gave us, we brought two huge bagfuls to my wife’s work. With the remaining peaches, we made cobbler and white sangria.
October 4, 2017
My Wife & I Do Not Know How To Adult
A few nights ago, our neighbors came by and said they’d just returned from Bakersfield and had some fruit they’d like to give us. Now, we don’t know these neighbors well. We wave and say hi while taking out the trash, but we don’t even know their names.
Last night, the elderly matriarch (I’m guessing) of the family came by with a huge box of peaches and grapes. My wife and I were in the process of enjoying some wine, so that may explain how the interaction with our neighbor went down. We said thank you a few times, smiled, took the box, said goodnight, and shut the door.
About 10 minutes later we had a horrible realization:
She probably expected us to take one or a few items from the box, which she would then take to the other neighbors making the same offer because there was no way in Hell she intended to give us this ENTIRE MASSIVE BOX OF FRUIT.
Seriously, look at this box…
And this is after I’d already taken a bunch out. Plus, there are more peaches under the bag of grapes.
Guys, this is like a fucking apocalypse of peaches!
And we’d essentially just robbed our geriatric neighbor of her Bakersfield fruit haul.
And to make matters worse, we’re not even big fans of peaches. We needed to fix this. All night we went over our options:
Sneak the fruit out to the car in the morning and let my wife’s coworkers eat the evidenceBury all of it in the backyard and never mention it again
Cobbler party
Explore the joys of canning
Return the box and apologize for the misunderstanding
That last one was a no-go for both of us, but by morning we accepted that it was the right thing to do. So we walked over, box in hand, and rang the doorbell. A young man answered and we apologized for mistakenly taking the whole box.
He looked at it and said, “No, it’s all for you. Better get eating.”
Guys…
THEY WANTED TO GIVE US THE PEACH APOCALYPSE! WHO THE FUCK GIVES THEIR NEIGHBOR THIS MUCH DAMN FRUIT?!
My wife thinks the family was just as embarrassed at the mix-up as we were and they just doubled-down on it. Either way, we have a goddamn metric ton of peaches and no fucking idea what to do with them.
October 3, 2017
What could possibly be happening here?
What could possibly be happening here?
October 2, 2017
Early reports said Tom Petty was dead, updated reports say he’s...
Early reports said Tom Petty was dead, updated reports say he’s not dead yet, but he won’t make it through the night. We’ve got Tom Petty playing on our Amazon Echo while the boys finish their homework. This is the only way I could think to salvage this epically shitty day.
September 28, 2017
Don’t Call Me Stupid
We were at the market and the boys were screwing around, shoving each other and various other forms of horseplay. They thought it was all hysterical. Larissa and I did not, however, and told them multiple times to stop. So when Boone shoved Wyatt into a potato chip display, nearly knocking it over, I blew up.
I said, “You heard us tell you to stop! You know what that means! So please stop being such stupid…”
At the mention of the word “stupid” both of their faces immediately turned to expressions of genuine hurt. Getting yelled at is one thing I guess, but getting insulted by their own father was a different level of emotional pain for them. I saw this in an instant and tried to figure a way out of it while I was already deep into reprimanding them.
I continued, “…stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…”
I wasn’t sure how to land this particular plane.
“…stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…”
Then, I just brought it home the only way I could see.
“…stupid, stupid, stupid-movers.”
They laughed and agreed to try to calm down. I turned to Larissa and she said, “I wasn’t sure where you were going with that.”
“Neither was I,” I confessed. Emotionally, I felt like I’d just saved my family from falling off a cliff. Like, I was actually winded.
The good news is I can now call the boys stupid-movers and they think it’s funny.
September 20, 2017
itsthatingallsgirl:
this-is-life-actually:
Amy Schumer...
Amy Schumer absolutely nailed what’s wrong with women’s health in America by literally putting Congressmen in charge of her body. But more than that she exposed the hypocrisy in how they treat her.
Follow @ this-is-life-actually
oh god, this country
I see a familiar face. Ahem… @dougmoe.
September 14, 2017
To be clear, they're 8...
Wyatt: You just met her two days ago.
Boone: What can I say? It's love.
September 8, 2017
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
Do you remember that game you played as a kid in which you’d make up a rhyme explaining different ways you had or learned you had diarrhea?
No? Here’s a classic as a refresher:
When you’re sliding into first and you feel something burst — diarrhea, diarrhea.
All of them follow that pattern:
When you’re talking to you mom and drop a runny bomb — diarrhea, diarrhea.
Now that we’re old(er), let’s come up with new ones that reflect our more experienced world view. Sound good? Good. I’ll start. Ahem…
When you eat some week-old Dannon and your ass feels like Steve Bannon — diarrhea, diarrhea.
September 7, 2017
Ask me why I sometimes curse around my kids and I’ll show you...
Ask me why I sometimes curse around my kids and I’ll show you the video of that little girl calling the Info Wars guy a “fucking idiot.” (The gesture at the end is nice, too.) This girl is seriously my hero.
